Cypress! What a lovely first fic! I hope there's many more. :)
As usual, you do a very good job focusing in on a character's thoughts and emotions. I think Remus' train of thought was right on the money, and I can't help but feel that this particular story is really letting you use your RP skills well.
I have some mixed feelings about the ending. I know it was for a challenge, and in keeping with the terms of the challenge, I think you did a very good job. Even so, I can't help but feel that there's something MORE wanting. As if, you build up this beautiful scene where Sirius walks into the room...only to drop to the end very quickly. As a reader, it's not very satisfying, though I can see how for the sake of the story, it makes a lot of sense (as not everything can be dramatized, can it?). So, like I said, mixed feelings.
You're off to a great start! I'll look forward to reading more of your stories (and maybe even seeing you branch away from RP-like fics)!Author's Response: Serene, my dear! What a lovely first review. ^_^ Thank you for it! As far as the ending, I can see what you mean. I'll need to really think about that and how I'd want it to go. I almost feel like this could be a much longer story, and have considered expanding it (though of course I was sort of limited by a deadline). And as far as RP-like fics, we never do forget our roots, do we? :P I agree. I'm pretty pleased with it for a first piece, but I'm hoping to move towards developing other aspects of my writing. We'll just have to see how it goes. ;) Thanks again for your review, and for all your wonderful encouragement.
x cypress Report Review
Aw, I love Founders romance! This was such a sweet story and I loved that very last line about the blue sky meeting the red sunrise. Great work!Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review and I'm glad you liked it! :) Report Review
Thank you so much for writing this!!! I really liked it, and have a strange feeling I'm going to need to read the novella that goes with it, lol. You did an awesome job keeping both Salazar and Helga in character and I really liked the pacing of the scene. I do think that it reads a little bit like it should be a chapter in a larger fic, but I understand that it's also a companion piece to your other story.
That said, great job! I think it's a fantastic coincidence that not only did you take one of my favorite pairings, but you added in one of my favorite songs as well! I'm going to have Rhiannon in my head all day now, hahaha! Merry Christmas, and thanks again for the lovely present! :)Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! I love this pairing, and I'm so happy I got to write this little snapshot for you :) I get what you mean about it feeling a little incomplete by itself though; maybe if inspiration strikes I'll expand on it later. And yeah, if you get a chance to check out my novella I would love to hear what you think.
Merry Christmas! Thanks for stopping by to review :)
--Maggie Report Review
" They all look to be a few years older than I and have clearly been drinking. I can tell by picking up on their subtle hints, such as the way that one bloke immediately raises his arms over his head and lets out a war-cry that silences the bar."
^^ Awesome line. Great chapter!Author's Response: Thanks so much! :) Report Review
Ooh, this was interesting, especially because I RP a generally disliked character who was also very smart and is now a healer. :P I like the overall tone of the story--it feels very different from Keep Calm--and think your descriptions are well done ("blackened caverns of lungs" was my favorite.)
I think my criticism is mostly for Helene. I feel almost as if there is too much background info and not enough story bits. For example, you mention that Helene is cruel, but we don't actually see any examples of it. Flitwick asks Helene why she wants to be a healer, and we're not actually given a reason (which I can understand if you're keeping it secret for a later point). Another issue is why she is like that. I don't think you have to reveal everything in this first chapter, but by showing us examples of Helene's traits, it serves a dual purpose of grounding those traits (ie, we can see to what extent she is cruel) and it is easier to digest as opposed to just being given information.
As another note, I think the transition from Helene standing on the tower (There were only minutes before Helene needed to be in the hospital wing for her apprenticeship.) to the flashback of how she got to Dumbledore's office (Any other student would have been nervous as they climbed the spiraling stairs to his office.) was just a little confusing because the paragraph in between those two lines (at least for me) wasn't enough. I actually assumed that Helene was making her way to DD's office after being on the tower smoking, and it may be because of your ending/opening lines on those two paragraphs.
Otherwise though, your writing is really fluid and its easy to start reading your work and not even realize you're at the end! I'm also impressed with how flexible you are at writing two stories with drastically different tones of voice. Good work!Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for popping by to read another of my stories :)
I'll admit that this chapter was written in one sitting, with a giant pot of coffee, and I wanted to go ahead and upload it before I lost steam. So I will certainly take your advice to heart when I go back to edit; also she is standing on the ground, behind one of the west towers. Originally I had her standing in the Owlery but liked the idea of her being grounded in a corner. So obviously I need to clarify that bit too! ;)
This story is going to be tricky, because I want to explain why she's the way she is bu that's a big part of the plot that I want to keep secret. It will be easier to show that it's partially because of her mother, but I think it's going to be tricky. We'll see!
And yes, this is the tone in which I normally prefer to write. KC&CO is so much fun to write and I love writing with my OC and her friends, but I just needed a fix! :) Report Review
Another breathtaking chapter! I like the way you experimented with the spacing of the text during Fred's death, and the use of parentheses at the beginning of the chapter. They work very well with getting your point across. My only warning would be not to overuse them (which might be tempting later, though I think you used them in just the right amounts here.)
And I loved your last line.
I'll look forward to the next chapter!Author's Response: Thank you once again for another lovely review!!
And yes! Parentheses! They are currently my obssession...and if I had my way I'd insert one in every sentence...but I don't think it would make easy reading =)
The point of parentheses in this story is to break up the narrative and sort of give a sense of disruption to the text. And to include other voices / asides. I would like the "brokenness" of the writing and the narrative to reflect on the "broken-ness" of the characters...OK, I might be getting a little melodramatic / corny here.
Whenever I find a parenthesised section in anyone's story it always intrigues me.
HOwever I'll take your advice and definitely not overuse them!
Thanks again! Report Review
Aww, that was so sweet. You did a good job keeping the narrative true to what a six year old boy would think. To contrast that even better with how grown-up Teddy thinks, I might elaborate a little bit more on the ending, that way it's clearer for readers to see that the writing reflects the age of the character.
Otherwise, good work! Report Review
Omg. Omg omg omg. I saw the title of this chapter and thought I knew what was going to happen--and when Ernie kissed Hannah instead, my eyes legit popped. Again, I love how Hermione is counseling Neville through all this. Another great chapter!Author's Response: I love your reviews! Yes, I try to trick people with titles. But yes, eventually it will happen, just not the way people expect and certainly not in a chapter entitled 'First Kiss'! Glad you liked it and I will update soon :D Report Review
Well done! I like how smooth Helena's thoughts are from one to the other. I never thought about why Helena might have stolen her mother's diadem, or what her relationship with the Baron must have been, so this was interesting to read. Great work!Author's Response: Thank you for this impromptu review, it made my day! :) Report Review
I'm impressed with how well you were able to combine three challenges into one short story. In under 1000 words you managed to write something that's both descriptive and complete-feeling.
I actually don't hate Audrey--I consider myself a nice person, but have also been pushed into meanness by jealousy (maybe not jealous of prettiness, but other things). If anything, I think she's a realistic character, and I like how you left your ending a little ambiguous with whether or not Audrey begins to tell Rita nasty things or not (which I read as, she does). Would I want to be friends with Audrey? Probably not, but she's great to read about here!Author's Response: I was actually a bit worried about the low word count considering how many prompts I had, so I'm really glad you don't think it's too little or anything.
I suppose you do have a point, actually. She does seem to be more sad and alienated than anything else, looking back - apparently I have no idea while I'm writing while I'm writing it. Hmm. Anyway.
Thank you so much for your lovely review! I really do appreciate it. :) Report Review
You're amazing at keeping the action flowing. I'll admit, I saw the word count and was a little nervous about starting a new story 4 chapters in, but once I started I couldn't help but keep clicking to the next chapter! Great work, and I'll look forward to reading what happens next! Report Review
Interesting story so far! As a side note, make sure to preview your chapters before posting, because there was a massive blank space at the end of this chapter, which may have been caused by accidentally having your cursor far down the bottom of your text box when entering the chapter in.
Great work otherwise! Report Review
Ah! This is so clever! I wonder where they all went!
Just make sure to watch out for typos, but I think you're off to a great start! :)Author's Response: Why thank you! :D and the 2nd chapter is being submited right now Report Review
Your descriptions are beautiful. I'll look forward to reading the rest of this. 10/10.Author's Response: Oh, wow, thank you so much! This is such a tremendous encouragement! Thanks for the excellent rating =) Report Review
*squee* This was an awesome chapter! I especially liked Neville getting the chance to talk to some of the other characters, especially when Neville was telling Hermione he didn't like Luna, and Hermione already knew the truth. You do a great job writing Hermione. I'll look forward to the next chapter!Author's Response: Thank you very much SereneChaos. I always intended for Hermione to know all along and she will be his source of advice for a while I think :) The next chapter will be up soon Report Review
Ah, so it is after DH! I like how you put that information in there without having to say it outright. I do think that Luna's character sounds a little...off. I almost expect her to be a little more dreamy the way she is in the books, and since you mentioned the passing of her father in the first chapter, I might like to see how that affects her now. I think you do a good job writing Dean though (especially when he's talking to Seamus!).
One little thing to look out for is the punctuation that goes in your quotes. Make sure to include it! :) Otherwise, good job and good luck with the rest of your writing!Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback! I will take into account all you said and I will develop their characters more as I get into the story. It's nice to know someone appreciates my work, so thanks again! Report Review
You know, I've always wanted to read a Dean/Luna (in my head, they're totally Duna, haha) and am so glad to have found my first one! :) I really like the dialogue here--everyone speaks so naturally!
I do think this could be improved a bit by having Dean's sudden interest in Luna not be from her newfound appearances. It serves a dual purpose: giving you a chance to get in deep and explore their personalities more, and to give your readers a chance to really see and believe why Luna and Dean would be such a great couple. I also would like to know where in the HP timeline this takes place--is it after DH?
Otherwise, I noticed you have quite a rich vocabulary, in terms of knowing other ways to say the word 'said'. I think they were all really well placed.
You're off to a good start! Report Review
This was well done. You have such good imagery and it really helps carry everything along until the end. Great work!
9/10Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you think so ^__^ Report Review
Ah! That last line--I loved it! :) My favorite part in this chapter was Jonas' POV--especially the line:
"I watched Julliette as she watched Simon, as he watched Macie, as she watched Teddy , as he watched Joy, and as Joy watched me."
It seems as if you've managed to find yourself a copy of word to use. To avoid these massive spaces between paragraphs for next time (which happens because the advanced editor on HPFF reads Word's 'invisible' codes on paragraph spacing) use the simple editor when copy/pasting your text. The simple editor will remove all the coding from Word, which means that your spacing will be perfect, but you'll have to go back and manually insert the code for italics (which I prefer, since I use fewer italics than paragraphs, lol). If you stick with the advanced editor, I think you would have to preview your chapter, and then try manually removing the excess spaces between paragraphs. I know I sound like a big instruction manual, but the forums and the 'get help' page are both excellent resources for learning about little things like that.
Otherwise though, great chapter! And good luck with your writing!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the reveiw! I'll remember about the spacing and what not. Thanks for the advice and for reading the chapter! I hope you stick around for the next! Report Review
Hi! So, I think writing about Mr. Ollivander's family is a great idea! I'm interested to see what you do with this. Your story summary was fantastic, btw.
I think this could be improved by incorporating more background info, ie, how big the Ollivander family is, and why Ette does not like Jonas. Since Jonas Weasley isn't a canon next-gen character, I'd like to know how far in the future this takes place. It's a little hard for me to imagine Ollivander magically beating up some boys (even if they were whistling at his granddaughter) only because I *think* him hurting students to that extent might get him into trouble.
In terms of your questions, I definitely don't suggest writing your story straight into the website. I save my chapters on word, but if you don't have that, any word processor will do. If you don't have access to any of that, try opening up a gmail account. I used to use google docs (I think they call it google drive now) to write basic things for school. You don't have to download anything for it (the download button, to my knowledge, is if you want to upload files from your computer to the drive) and you can create documents from there. I would suggest doing this a) so you can backup your stories in case the archive crashes and b) so you can have the time to read back what you're writing and proofread before submitting.
Two quick tips:
1) Try not to use the asterisks actions in chapters. Ie, *facepalm* It sort of reads like netspeak and can be a little distracting while reading prose.
2) Try not to apologize for anything you've posted, ie, the chapter title. As a general rule of thumb, don't post anything YOU think is horrible. I personally wouldn't have noticed (and actually don't think it's a horrible title, even now) if you hadn't pointed it out. It's always okay to say you're uncertain about the quality of something, to invite constructive criticism, but to outright say it's horrible kind of closes it off.
Lastly, (phew! what a long review!) here are things I think you were really good at. Your intro with Ollivander was well done and helped open up the story. You're also very good at dialogue--it's easy to read what the characters are feeling from it. And again, the idea! Mr. Ollivander is so old, and I love the idea of writing about his family, especially writing about someone that is shy and sweet and seeing them transform!Author's Response: thanks so much for the advice! Sorry for responding a little late, but if you're interested in reading more I've put up a few more chapters :) Report Review
Stunning. 10/10, hands down.Author's Response: Wow. Thank you SO much for that! It made me blush :$ Report Review
Ah, I love Hannah/Neville! I think you did a good job giving us an overview of their relationship throughout the series. I especially liked that you gave Hannah and Neville plenty of time to develop feelings for one another.
Something I would have liked to have seen is more scene moments--things with dialogue and stuff--instead of having Hannah tell us what happened. Seven years is a long time to cover, and the fact that you got it all into a one shot is incredible. I do think though, that by including scenes and spacing the story out into chapters (maybe a chapter a year?) you could give us just as much info and help make your story even better!
Good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much. And I completely agree with you. I had it read over by a beta to get some tips and am going to fix it up a bit. I may not make it into anything longer than a one-shot (at least not soon) but I definitely think it needs to be refined more. Report Review
This is beautiful. There is just too much to like about this story: the fact that Victoire and Teddy are older characters, the bittersweet ending, the way they interact with each other, the way their surrender is their choice. It's all just perfectly done.
10/10Author's Response: Thanks very much for your lovely review! I'm so glad that you liked it. :) Report Review
Great chapter! I like how well your OCs mix with the minor canon characters--you do a good job making the office sound real! This chapter reminds me a lot of Bridget Jones, especially with mean old Mildred in the mix!
Just a small thing to watch out for are some of the things Edie says though--for instance, I think Social Security might just be an American thing (though I'm not a Brit, so I have no idea).Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for sticking around for Chapter Two.
I sadly have not seen Bridget Jones, though from what I could glean I was kind of afraid of this chapter being a rip-off.
Actually I did some (very, very, very) minimal research on Social Security because I had the same concern, but I thought that it was a British thing as well... I will look into it again to make sure, though.
Thanks so much! Report Review
How sweet! I liked the way you started--telling us George's doubts about marrying Angelina really helped cement him as a real character. I think you did a really good job telling us plausible information--such as a wave of relatives trying to get close to the Weasleys we know, haha.
For critique, I think I would have liked to have seen how George proposed. With the way you started the story, I was sort of expecting to see it in the chapter and was surprised that it wasn't shown. Since this is a short story collection, I think it would have been nice to get the short scene of how George proposed and then have you continue on with the introductory things you mentioned later in the chapter, as opposed to you telling us that it happened.
That said, I think you're off to a wonderful start! Good luck with the rest! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the suggestion! I'll go back and see if I can fit the proposal in. Report Review
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