Reading Reviews From Member: SereneChaos
  
491 Reviews Found

Review #1, by SereneChaosThe Time is Ripe: Humphrey Belcher

2nd February 2014:
This is such a great idea! Haha, I think you may be one of the few (or only) people to think to write about the invention of the cheese cauldron! This is brilliant!

In terms of this particular chapter, I think you did a good job providing a background on Humphrey's character with your opening paragraphs. That said, I wonder if some of that information could either be cut down or mixed in with action? In this case, it seems a matter of 'telling' rather than 'showing'. You have a great opening paragraph, but having so much information before your opening scene drags down the chapter. I laughed at quite a few of your lines in those informational paragraphs (my favorite is the one about cheese being like music, lol), but does all of that information contribute to the story?

For example, the paragraphs on Potage's Cauldrons: they are well-written and helped me understand what was going on, but a few quick lines such as "Humphrey glanced out the window toward's Potage's Cauldron with a scowl. He supposed it was the place to go if you wanted cheap, mass produced cauldrons." Readers can infer similar amounts of information in a much quicker way, giving you the chance to cut straight to the story.

I love, love, love the way you wrote the interaction between the Black family and Humphrey. I especially liked this line: "Mrs. Black with a smile was somehow more terrifying than Mrs. Black with a scowl. "

Great work, and I'll look forward to more! :)

Author's Response: I've never seen a story about Humphrey Belcher, either, which is a shame because I think he's such a very interesting character. Why would anyone make a cheese cauldron?

The opening paragraphs were meant to be funny, but perhaps you are right. I might need a little more action in those paragraphs. Maybe I'll add some more. I don't want to cut any of the information out. I'm glad you liked the line about cheese being like music!

I didn't even intend to have the Black family in this, but all of a sudden I felt like they'd be the type of people to buy expensive, hand-crafted cauldrons, whereas Muggleborns more likely to buy mass produced cauldrons. I like having them in there now, because it gives an era to the story. I'm glad you liked that line! It's my favorite, too.

I'm not sure when I'll post the next chapter, as it isn't written yet, but I hope you enjoy it once I get it posted. Thank you!


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Review #2, by SereneChaosWaltz: Waltz

30th January 2014:
Haha, I know this isn't what you had specifically written, but when Arthur ran into Molly wearing gym clothes similar to him, all I could think of was how funny/adorable they are because they match! This was super sweet and even the chapter summary had me chuckling. Great work, especially for a first Arthur/Molly!

Author's Response: Yay! I'm so glad you liked that bit :D
I'm very happy that the story made you laugh, even the chapter summary! I'm blushing a bit right now because of this review. Thanks so much!


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Review #3, by SereneChaosBattle Scars: Prologue

22nd January 2014:
It's been a long time since I've read anything in first person, and it's pretty refreshing hearing Teddy's voice so far in the story! I'm a little unsure as to how I feel about Harry's introduction--in the books he never struck me as the type to tell a long story (especially one as tragic as Tonks/Lupin) with that kind of eloquence, especially to a five year old. I can see how it serves a purpose for your introduction though! Otherwise, you did a good job of setting up a larger story, and good luck with the rest of it! :)

Author's Response: Thanks! And yeah, I understand the whole grown up Harry thing. But he was only seventeen when Teddy's parents died and he had to help raise Teddy. He'd only be 22 now and he's uncertain that he's doing the right things for Teddy. It's hard for Harry because of how close he was with Teddy's parents. So I just picture him thinking about how different things could/should be. And again thank you! :)

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Review #4, by SereneChaosVernon's Story: Caveat Smeltonia

20th January 2014:
Go figure Vernon Dursley would be the inventor of the swirly. Haha, you had some fantastic one-liners in here (I loved the part about Vernon wanting to grow a luxurious moustache someday) and your writing reminded me so much of JKR's when she first introduces the Dursleys. My one issue with this chapter isn't even a writing thing as much as a formatting one--there were a couple of inconsistencies in the spacing between lines. For example:

"The bathroom door opened and let a small, nervous boy in.
They did not particularly recognize his face but he was wearing glasses.
He was floating in the school's orange knickerbockers that were too big for him and wasn't even carrying his cane.
But he was carrying a book under his arm."

That was all condensed together, but there are other times when you have spaces between lines. Story-wise it doesn't matter, but it's distracting while reading, and kind of pulls you away from the story when you notice it. Though, it's nothing a quick preview of the chapter won't fix! :)

Otherwise, I'm going to look forward to reading the rest of this fic!

Author's Response: SereneChaos,

I read and re-read your review but still can't find the right words to thank you properly.
You've robbed me of my gift of blab - you blew my mind and I just keep giggling like an idiot...
Let's see if I can manage to express myself correctly.

Saying my writing reminded you of JKR's during the Dursley's introduction might be the nicest compliment one could give a HarryPotterfanfiction.
So thank you very, very much. :D

I based my younger Vernon on the Dudley grows up to be in the books and the story started writing itself - this proves Rowling's genius, no? ^^

I read & remembered that Dudley once told Harry about Stonewall High's tradition of stuffing people's heads in toilets on their first day and... Tada-aaah! (Again, Rowling's genius^^)

The mustache bit was pure luck - I was flipping through my "Peter Pan" edition to find random drawings to describe and saw that one. I looked at my list of Vernon's traits and thought 'oh, that could work'.
And it did! :D


I'm really sorry about the format - it happens when I copy from my text document and paste in the site's box and I must have forgotten to fix it. Though it could very well have been laziness... Ah-hum. I must have forgotten.
I'll get to it asap, thank you for pointing it out :D


Again, thank you so much for your review! It's awesome!

:)



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Review #5, by SereneChaosPetunia's Song: Once Again

15th January 2014:
I have such a soft spot for Petunia stories. I liked reading her guilt in this and the explanation behind how she felt about Harry and treated him. Something I'm not sure I understood in this chapter was why Harry was there in the first place--was it just to tell her that Snape had died, years after the fact?

I loved that you added that little note from Snape into this chapter. To me, that part in particular was so incredibly in character! And also, Harry's last line in this story being the same as Snape's famous 'Always'. Good job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! It's so lovely to hear a nice review :)
I think Harry was more there just to try to come to terms with his past, and mentioning Snape was just incidental. I read Harry as a very angry character, so I feel that it would take him a while before he could face his Aunt again. He had to grow up a bit.


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Review #6, by SereneChaosThe Making of the Map : The Waffling Matter

15th January 2014:
Haha, the dynamic between Sirius, Remus, Peter, and James is hilarious. And oh no! I wonder what Mallory's up to! All in all, what a fun, lighthearted chapter! :) Also, just as a sidenote, I noticed that there are some pretty big gaps between your paragraphs. It's an easy formatting fix; just make sure that when you paste your story from Word(?), you click on "Paste as plain text" above the textbox. It will remove all your formatting, so you'll have to put back your italics and bold, but it will also remove the big spaces in between paragraphs.

Good luck with the rest of this story!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! And yes I'm really annoyed by the big gaps, so yes, I'm going to have change that but I wanted to get a banner/chapter image before I did. But thank you for the tip! x

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Review #7, by SereneChaosHarry Potter and the Unhallowed King: The Mark of Destiny

14th January 2014:
This is so cool! It's neat to think that the Founders have the power to bring Harry back to life if they want to! These first two chapters have been awesome to read, though since I haven't read your previous stories, I'm not too sure I know what's going on, haha. I wonder if the AN at the end of this chapter would be better suited for the end of the first chapter. Whatever the case, you're off to a fantastic start, and good luck with the rest of your story!

Author's Response: Yes, it is better to start at the very beginning, Harry Potter and the Twilight Dragon. Thank you for your support, and don't forget to spread the word!

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Review #8, by SereneChaosBoys Over Flowers: Shake, Rattle and Roll

14th January 2014:
Hahaha--

(Admittedly, there was the close shave when I almost joined the Ottery St. Catchpole Knitting Society. But after attending two meetings, I realised that Knitting Society was just a placeholder name for the My Grandchildren are More Successful Than Yours Debating (while we hold on to our knitting needles) Society. But, understandably, we try not to talk about that mishap.)

I loved that! You have so many great funny lines sprinkled around this chapter, lol, and the play between Raffi, Scorpius and James should be interesting! I'm looking forward to the rest of this story!

Author's Response: I'm glad that you found that particular part funny, that part has actually survived about twenty rewrites and redrafts.

Thank you!! ♥


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Review #9, by SereneChaosThe Second Act: Act One

14th January 2014:
Aw, that was sweet! I liked your choice in moments here--it was nice to see how Teddy and Victoire's relationship changed over a long period of time. I also love that the current time in this fic sets Victoire as a much older witch. Those kind of stories are some of my favorites, haha! I'll be interested to see how Victoire meets and falls in love with Dennis, and to find out what happened to Teddy!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review! It means so much to me!

I'm so glad that you liked which moments I chose! I decided to skip some of the obvious ones (like the wedding... or the proposal...), so I was worried people wouldn't like it. I'm also really happy that you saw a change over time.

We'll see what happens to Teddy in Chapter 2, and Victoire and Dennis' relationship will blossom in Chapter 3.

Thanks again for reviewing!


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Review #10, by SereneChaosPatronus: Molly Weasley

14th January 2014:
It's so nice that Molly's happiest memory is bringing Bill home! I thought it was so funny how Arthur said that he wanted a bunch more children, and Molly's first reply was 'not anytime soon', haha. For the purposes of this chapter, I do think that it might have been interesting to focus on one particular part of the time period between Bill's birth and bringing him home. While it's nice to read the whole section of what happened during that time, since this is Molly's memory for a Patronus, I wonder if zeroing in on a particular moment (perhaps when Bill first opened his eyes and looked at her?) would make the chapter even more poignant. Maybe.

Whatever the case, nice chapter and good job!

Author's Response: Oh yes, I forgot to actually point out the particular moment! Thank you for mentioning that. I think it was the moment she first held him, but I moved on very quickly at the end because I had other stories I was itching to write. I will go back and look at that again when I have a moment.

Thanks for reviewing!

Leonore


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Review #11, by SereneChaosThrough the Half-Moon Spectacles: Preparing for What is to Come

14th January 2014:
Hi there! I have to admit, when I read your summary, I thought this would be about Dumbledore watching Harry grow up, so I was pleasantly surprised when it was focused on Snape! I really like the idea of telling a story through the point of view of a portrait. It was especially nice reading how Dumbledore's portrait had a 'memory' of the respect he had for Snape when he was alive--I love how that fits into the canon of how we know the enchanted portraits work.

Something that I think could be improved in this story though, is some of the grammar. There were a couple of times you slipped into present tense (towards the beginning, for example: "alas, his journey has come to an end") but it's nothing a quick edit wouldn't fix!

Good work, and good luck with the rest of the story!

Author's Response: Oh! Hahaha yeah! Well it pertains to both Severus and Harry, but I started off with Professor Snape.

Thank you! I'm glad you like the idea of Dumbledore's 'memory.' I've gotten the idea from another story. not sure if it was part of canon, but I thought it was fitting. ^_^

Oh... *cringes.* Sorry about that, M Word did not pick up that up... and eh... -_- I'll fix it when I can! :D Thanks for pointing that out. :^)


Thanks you dear for reading and reviewing! :D


- Asphodel


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Review #12, by SereneChaosKill Your Darlings: Slug Club

13th January 2014:
Possibly my favorite part of this chapter was when Andromeda was explaining to Ted why she felt the way she did about muggleborns. I feel like it's rare to find an Andromeda story that has her as entrenched in those awful beliefs and that's part of why I love your story so much! Also, the part where Ted disappeared?! I can't wait to find out how he did it--my guess is he's a secret animagus.

Author's Response: Yes! I could never find a Ted and Andromeda story in which Andromeda was so versed and bred into blood supremacy, which I always imagined she would be. That was part of my inspiration to write my own! And I like your guess. Is it right?! WE SHALL SEE. Muaha. Thank you as always for the review!

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Review #13, by SereneChaosMistletoe Mishap: Mistletoe Mishap

13th January 2014:
OH MY GOSH! That BANTER! It was brilliant. All of it was so well written and funny to read. I'll admit, there are a lot of Dramione stories that focus on how beautiful Hermione is, and during your descriptions of the way her hair and eyes weren't just brown, I was getting a little nervous this might be another one of them. But then Draco and Hermione talked, and it was like MAGIC! Oh my gosh. One thing that I do think would make this story a little better is to have a really quick explanation closer to the beginning about how Draco is stuck to the floor. I had been confused about it earlier, and while I like that Draco explained it to Hermione, it seemed a little late in the chapter for readers to figure it out. Otherwise, this was brilliant. Thanks for writing it!

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Review #14, by SereneChaosPatronus: Luna Lovegood

13th January 2014:
Gorgeous. I love, love, love the idea of Luna thinking of her mother as the bird painted in gold. And the mention of Luna switching from orange to gold paint like her mother. This was absolutely beautiful!

Author's Response: I got the gold paint idea from when she paints the pictures on her ceiling. So glad you like it - a change from my usual genre, and a successful one apparently! Chapter 3 is in the queue now. Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #15, by SereneChaosPatronus: Dolores Umbridge

13th January 2014:
Aw! I'm totally going to secretly ship Dolores/Cornelius from now on, haha. I loved how he called her Dolly--I never would have thought of that for a nickname! This was so sweet, and I'm glad that even a terribly mean character like Umbridge at least had one happy memory. Good work!

Author's Response: Thank you! It's funny, I was just adding the next chapter and the review count started going up. I just couldn't imagine anyone being completely one-dimensional. Delighted my first romance was enough to convince you of the ship!

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Review #16, by SereneChaosKill Your Darlings: Damage Control

11th January 2014:
Two chapters in one day? The queue must be looking beautiful right now, haha. Again, I love your story so far. I especially liked the mention of Sirius in this chapter, because after all, Andromeda was his favorite cousin growing up. :) Something that still doesn't make sense to me though, is why Narcissa is a 6th year (so studying NEWT level classes) if she has no desire to take the NEWT exams. Other than the logistics of that though, I like how close to canon you've stayed with the information we know.

Author's Response: Haha. Seriously, though. I didn't expect for two validations in 24 hours. Wonder upon wonders! I didn't realize until I did my research what a significant age gap there was between Sirius and Andromeda, but I rather like that he gets to be a little twelve-year-old troublemaker in this story. Given that he did consider Dromeda his favorite cousin, I thought that the feeling would probably be mutual.

That's a good concern, though! The way I look at it, since Narcissa and Lucius have been in a relationship for several years, she's been hanging on academically only for the sake of landing Lucius for good. I picture Narcissa as rather intelligent but unwilling to indulge an earnest work ethic like Andromeda. She's smart enough to have scored well on her O.W.L.s and attend sixth year classes, but the moment she gets a ring on her finger, she doesn't see the point of continuing her education. The N.E.W.T.s were never her goal; Lucius was. Since every Black ancestor before her has never had to be in the workforce, Narcissa doesn't see the point in sticking around if she can marry Lucius (a seventh year) in a few months and start a family life immediately. I had a relative who stuck around college only because her boyfriend was there, and then dropped out the moment she got engaged, without finishing her degree; perhaps that was subconsciously affecting the way I characterized Narcissa. :)


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Review #17, by SereneChaosKill Your Darlings: Impressions

10th January 2014:
Another great chapter! It was so exciting to read a full scene with Ted and Andromeda in it, and I loved especially Ted's reactions "Do you even hear yourself?" Super believable. Great work, as always!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! Your continuing reading means a bunch to me. :) It was high time Ted and Andromeda got some significant time to duke it out, right? And it's only just begun...

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Review #18, by SereneChaosLittle Organ: Little Organ

10th January 2014:
Oh gosh. Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh. Your imagery is gorgeous. Flat out beautiful. The idea that Albus' death was caused just by playing a kid-game makes this story all the more haunting. Wonderful work!

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Review #19, by SereneChaosC'est La Mort: C'est La Mort

9th January 2014:
Spooky! I think you did an especially good job writing the scene of the night of Frank and Alice's torturing. So well, that I think that the previous scene with Bellatrix joining the Death Eaters probably isn't all too necessary, and the story might even be stronger without it. I'm not sure how plausible it would be for Alice and Frank to have no wards up, or to sleep as soundly as they did because they were both seasoned aurors and members of the Order. I loved though, Bellatrix's mantras that she repeated over and over; they made the story chilling to read. Good work!

Author's Response: Hi there!

I agree with you actually, when I started writing I just started writing without a solid plot - I wanted to see where I would go with it and then when I was done with the first part, I started to turn it into a Frank/Alice story even though I know I was vague to my primes with that haha

I may even go over this and edit because this was my first ever try at a one shot and it was literally a random experiment!

Thank you for the lovely review :)


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Review #20, by SereneChaosStay...: 18 September, 1976

9th January 2014:
Agh, that's so sweet! I like that you don't have Remus and Emmy together as a couple just yet--it's more fun to see them with other people and watch the relationship build up, and haha, I like Kerry. :P Good job with this story!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed it. :) I'm hoping to update within the next couple of weeks if my muse allows it, lol.

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Review #21, by SereneChaosTold You So: Told You So

9th January 2014:
Ah! That last line! It was a great idea writing a Dramione from Narcissa's point of view! I loved reading all her little private thoughts about her son going off with a mudblood and how (I suppose any mother would feel) she was stealing her son away. Plot-wise, I was sort of hoping that this would be a missing moments story where Hermione and Draco try something, but truly don't work out, but this was still lovely to read! And haha, I'm glad Narcissa didn't outright say 'I told you so!' Great job!

Author's Response: Thanks! I wondered how I was going to present it, and I thought about how I will never think any girl is good enough for my sons. This sort of spilled out, but I guess I liked it enough to submit it. I did consider letting their relationship fall through the cracks, but I really think that out of all the characters, Hermione and Draco could really fit each other. As much as I love Ron, I think that he's too stable. Hermione is stable enough on her own, and that's part of the reason she and Ron are so good for Harry.
I'm glad she didn't too. I hate it when my mother says that. ;)
Thanks so much!


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Review #22, by SereneChaosKill Your Darlings: Dark Arts & Doubts

9th January 2014:
Ahhh, I love, love, love this! I really liked the conversation Andromeda, Narcissa, and Lilith--the reaction of each girl to talking about boys was just so funny! I'll admit, I'm a little confused as to what year Andromeda is in--from the first chapter I thought she'd be a 7th year, but if this is her first time taking NEWT defense, then that would make her a sixth year, right? And is she sharing a room with Narcissa because there are no other 6/7th year Slytherin girls?

Author's Response: Thank you, thank you! I'm glad you liked the girl talk. Oh goodness. You bring up a very good point. Andromeda is a seventh year, but the way I wrote the beginning paragraphs made it sound like it was her first rather than second year of N.E.W.T.-level DADA. That's entirely due to my bad wording. Sorry! I'll need to go back in and edit that... In my universe, Andromeda is a year older than Narcissa, and Bellatrix is three years older than Dromeda. So yes, that makes Dromeda a seventh and Narcissa a sixth year.

As for the roommate situation, I don't mention it until several more chapters in, but Cygnus and Druella pulled some strings to get their girls a room together. I've never seen a precedent for that in the books, but I always figured that a lot of the inner-house workings of Slytherin would have everything to do with who you knew and what strings you could pull. And the Blacks would totally be the sort of family to pull strings. >:] Hope that clears things up! Thank you for reading!


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Review #23, by SereneChaosThe Potter Files ( Part 6), Mermaids: Bastards

8th January 2014:
Another great chapter! I'm not sure I'm convinced that Abby and Bill's conversation makes sense for an adult and 6 year old conversing with one another, but I thought it was interesting that he could always tell the twins apart. I appreciate that even though I haven't read the other stories in your series, I can still keep up with what's going on here. I had been nervous that there might be some part of this case that I wouldn't understand because I hadn't read the other ones (things like how Maddie is connected to Luddy), but you did a good job of quickly explaining it and keeping me in the loop.

As a stylistic thing, at first I wasn't sure I liked the italicized exclamations sprinkled in your chapters, but now I've gotten used to them and it sort of reminds me of reading Nancy Drew/Hardy boy books, haha.

Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: I have to admit, I wasn't sure how to handle people's thoughts or conversations to themselves. The italicized was my short hand way of doing it, so I left that when it seemed to work in my drafts. I did not remember that was the way the Drew/Hardy books did it, but I read a lot of those in my distant youth. So it must have stuck in my memory.

I tried not to have too much of the back story complicating the characters. So people could try to read the story as a stand-alone book. This book is set a decade and a half after when HP and friends were kids, so they're bound to meet other people. I did my best to make them believeable, in as limited amount of space as possible.

Thanks for reading.


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Review #24, by SereneChaosThe Potter Files ( Part 6), Mermaids: Murder

8th January 2014:
Wow! What a chapter! I'll admit, when I saw the word count on some of your chapters, I was a little skeptical, but after reading this, it didn't feel at all too long! I love, love, love your OCs! Jeffers especially is quite the character and the entire time I was reading the parts with him in it, I was reading it with a growly voice in my mind, haha. Once again, I do feel that the original characters from the HP books feel a little out of character (after her house elf rights things, and the kind way she tried to treat Grawp, I doubt she would say dragons were only good for their meat). Though, I'm willing to treat the original characters as OCs for the sake of your story because it's so neat! Good work!

Author's Response: I thought the conversation a bit grown-up as well, as I wrote it and reread. But I had done it with older children in mind and realized afterward that I had goofed the ages.

That being said, my own daughter is fairly brilliant (if I say so myself) and I think Bill and a six-yr old like her could have had a discussion like that. Had she been a young witch talking to a scary uncle.


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Review #25, by SereneChaosThe Potter Files ( Part 6), Mermaids: The Thin White Man

8th January 2014:
Hi there! I haven't read your earlier stories, so forgive me if some of my comments seem weird because I haven't read the previous novels.

Whatever the case, I loved the husband-wife dynamic between Harry and Ginny. I thought it was so funny hearing their banter back and forth, though I wonder if it wasn't a little out of character for Ginny to prefer spending time at home (especially when in the books she was incredibly active and refused to stay away when the Battle of Hogwarts was going on, even when asked). Possibly also a little out of character would be Harry not knowing how to use a band-aid, because he spent the first eleven years of his life as a muggle.

Even so, this is so interesting! You really have a set 'detective' tone in this story. I liked the combination of different scenes in this chapter. Just from this chapter, it seems as if dialogue is a huge strength for you, because each character was good at keeping his own voice, even when it wasn't outright said which character said what. I do think you could have done without the quotations around 'Blonde' when you described him, just because readers will probably get the point after seeing it once, but still. Awesome story so far!

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