Was desperately in need of a heart-warmingly gushy story, and seems like I came by the perfect one! Absolutely adored the way you worked through the plot, and made it almost-canon. Epically massive one-shot that I thought was going to be a daunting read but actually was rather pleasurable. Found myself not wanting it to end. Everything wove together beautifully. Especially loved the relationship Teddy has with Neville. Anywho, enough ranting. Great story! Report Review
Absolutely loved this story, definitely one of the best L/J fics around. So many times you see the hate and animosity but it doesn't feel real. This on the other hand feels more like frustration, but it works well and you can really understand why Lily would not like James. Basically, the 'denial' factor isn't very blatant and in your face, which is as it should be.
Celia gets on my nerves. Poor girl I feel bad for admitting it, she's not doing anything wrong, I guess. Her presence however, annoys me. That's probably a testament to your writing skills and how good you're doing with the whole first-person thing. I'm channelling Lily. :))
One thing I would comment on are the dimensions of her friends. Though the three do fit together really nicely, we don't see much of their personalities other than the fact that Scarlet loves Sirius but doesn't admit it and that Anna's a player. I'd like to know more about their other strengths and weaknesses, actually see how these personalities mesh together when they're in a group.
But I do love this story (I added it to my favourites ;)), and seeing how Lily and James finally start to get rid of their ideas of each other and fall in love. Makes my heart all gooey. Very good sign :D
Can't wait to read more xxAuthor's Response: aw than you so much! Building Lily and James's relationship so that it feels very real and understandable was definitely one of the things I was really striving for with this story and I'm glad that's coming across!
As for Celia, the fact that you dislike her but not for doing anything wrong, means I've done my job :P That's exactly how I WANT you to feel about her. Heck, it's even how I feel about her haha, but you'll get to see more of her soon!
And I'm definitely working on bringing more of Scarlet and Anna into the story, I know it's lacking in that area as well as Remus, Peter and Sirius. Now that the big dramatic weekend is over w/ Lily and James they'll all be a bit bigger of a part .
Thank you so much for this review! I'm glad you're enjoying the story and I'll have more up soon for you to read :) Report Review
Without a shadow of a doubt one of the most fast-paced and brilliant fics around. The amount of times I giggled to myself ( - couldn't laugh too loudly because it was 2am)... well I don't know how many times it was. Point is, the whole fic is hilarious, but it's not in-your-face about it, which I love. So far, most memorable moments that have stuck in my head are the kettle the boys made for their gran (so sweet!), the reference to the riots (so clever :)) ), and my oh my that lovely scene where Raj pretends to be the Snapper. Fred is such a fantastic character. In fact all of your characters are very much real to me. None of them seem unrealistic and they all add different dimensions to the story, and I have to rate you for being able to keep up with them all - they pop up everywhere :)) It's weird for me to think of Harry, Ron and Hermione as ageing, but you can really feel the new, fresh, blood coming through and see how the youngsters are now the oldies. I'm not complaining, they had their time. Now it's all about Fred... and the countless other Weasley(Potter) cousins.
Once again, brilliant fic. Love it to pieces. Can't wait to see how you move on.
xx Report Review
Battle of the bands at it's best :)) Oh my Maji, what have you done? :)) "You really razz my berries, baby.” I can't stop laughing. One of THE craziest plot ideas I've ever come accross on this site, and once again you'ved pulled it off with nothing but style. McGonagall's rebellious side brought out by the lures of Tom Riddle's dark music. Ingenious :)) x Report Review
Beautiful writing. I love the way you've structured this, adds to the ambiguity and let's our minds run away with us trying to add up the little clues you've given us to play with. I must admit the numbers confuse me, though they're probably meant to... adding to the "Entangled" feeling of the text. Not in order, not clearly specified, but all clearly linked in some way. Like the three characters you're writing about. There's no start or end, just a situation that seems impossible to sort through.
10/10 again. Loved it. x Report Review
It's been too long since I've been on this site - I've missed the incredible pieces of writing.
You're depiction of Lily is so intense, the first person monologue gets us straight in her head, displaying her selfish and blind personality. The headstrong attitude works perfectly with the situation. I particularly love the line 'The smell of the flowers made me sniffle in rebellion. Awful things they were, those lilies. They had too much smell to them, overpowering everything thing else around them, trying too hard to be noticed.' Ironically, it's like she's talking about herself and her own attitude. She's what's too much, the one who's trying too hard to be noticed and to escape her cousin's shadow. The girl hates herself and everything around her, but has foolishly tied herself to the very life she hates.
Loved it. xAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for the compliments! It's great to see you around again, and it means so much that you've chosen to read my stories. ^_^
Her voice is definitely overpowering - it was physically painful to write her because she's just like those flowers, exuding too much odour and giving one a headache. I'm glad that you caught that parallel between Lily and the lilies - a bit of dramatic irony that I couldn't resist including.
It was quite something to write such a character study as this - very intense, and I don't think I want to do it again. There are so many questions that I was left with, unanswered, like her jealousy for Rose - Lily is the prettier one, yet she's intensely jealous of her cousin, seemingly without reason. She doesn't need to try to be noticed, but she throws herself in everyone's way. She's very troubled - that's the only way I can describe her.
I'm so glad that you liked this story, though. It was an experiment to write such a character, and I'm glad that it turned out to be a success. :D Thank you! Report Review
Hello again, Maji, it's been a while ;)
Incredible as always, I missed your writing. My how your author's page has expanded! I need to catch up!
Imagery got me straight from the start. Loved "the slippery kiss of the mist". The delicacy and detail that you use words with knows no bounds. I'm interested in some of these ideas you're throwing about with Grindelwald and Voldemort, but you've given such a small snippet of what I'm sure is the beginning of a very interesting plot line.
However, this is a one-shot. We shall accept it as it is ;)
I'm sorry, I'm a bit rusty on my writing and reviewing, but honestly you've only gotten better. Can't wait to see what else you've got in store. xAuthor's Response: OMG hunny!! where have you been?? i have missed you!
it has exploded a little yes, lol.
thank you so much - i am really happy you liked this! i always liked to imagine what grindelwald's last moments would have been, what would have been going through his head before Tom came for him, and tom himself...i kind of saw him as being a bit distant about the whole thing. i think he would have looked up to grindelwald but felt betrayed by him at the same time.
thank you so much!! it is so good to hear from you!
Kate xx Report Review
Ever since you told me about your new story I've been itching to read this - I didn't even realise had a chapter up already! Talk about efficiency!
Well, it seems fabulous already. I see slight links to Incandescene, with the whole 'different lives' theme going on, and what I expect will be the clashing of those lives in a not-so-spectacular way. Albus Potter is intriguing, that's for sure. I'm undecided as to whether I actually like him or not. This is probably not so much due to you as to the fact that I'm feelingn quite apathetic today. I'm sure on a normal day I'd ahve actually been quite sympathetic to the boy's plight, but there you go.
Very interesting group of people. For a while I was beginning to think that maybe James was a part of the 'Circle' as well, but now that i think on it he's too old. He'd have left Hogwarts by now, yes?
Mm, I think I'm rambling a lot. There were a few tiny mistakes here and there - for example 'I think I’ve fallen for Sienna' should have probably been in the past tense - but nothing so major that impeded understanding.
Anywho, I assure you that this is a fantastic start to what promises to be an equally fantastic story. I love how you come up with these amazing ideas. I'm truly jealous, m'loff.
This is obviously going to be favourited right now. Can't wait til I read the next chapter!
xAuthor's Response: This chapter's been up for ages, but I haven't really gotten around to re-writing it. There were some pretty bad mistakes here (especially the whole McGonagall being OOC *cringe*), but I'm so lazy when it comes to re-writing, and not having a first chapter sort of prevented me from writing the second one, and so on and so forth *sigh* I suck.
Wow, I didn't even realize I was taking patterns from Incandescence. It happens when you've been writing a story for 7 months, I guess. You get stuck with things.
That's okay, you don't have to like Albus, lol. I'm not keen on making him a likeable character, to be honest. Unlike Sirius, whom I always cast the positive light on no matter what he does (talk about objectivity *rolls eyes*), I'm not particularly fond of anyone in Next Gen.
James isn'y out of Hogwarts, he's a 7th year, and Albus is a 5th (I'm pretty sure there was a 2 year difference between them, but feel free to correct me). But no, James doesn't have anything to do with the Circle...yet. He's popular in his own world - more in a Marauderish sort of way, while the Circle people are more of a Slytherinish popular. Did that make sense? o_O
Thank you for the wonderful reviews - you always manage to make my day. And you leave such amazing ones! I loff you *tackleglomp*
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Very interesting. I love how you introduced Hermione as restless, it's very characteristic of her. Little bits grabbed my attention, like "Too many lonely nights."... they somehow set the tone and make us feel more a part of Hermione's life that she's so fed up of, frustrated with. Obviously, it's the first chapter so I can't say much of the plot but so far it definitely seems promising. Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Thanks so much, joojoo! :D It's great that the first chapter has caught your attention, though it is hard to tell where things will go from here (I'm still deciding >. Report Review
That was a really nice ending. It summarised everything, stayed in the same narrative tone and basically started a new era with James. I love how you continued the ligh/dark, summer/spring theme, and you showed how Lily now appreciates the beauty of other seasons, realises how the other seasons have magic as well. You can really sense that though she's still the same person, that she's grown. (She's so much more bearable now xD)
Interesting, I think, to hear from Sirius, but I don't know how you're going to go about relating that. I don't see Sirius as one to explain his actions, but then again Lily is strong enough to be able to confront that now.
Anyway, I know this wasn't as detailed as the other reviews, but I thought it was fabulous all the same. I can't wait til the next chapter, though also I'm kind of sad that there will be no more updates after that. I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this. It'll be sad for it to end.
Congratulations anyhow on a fabulous fic!
xAuthor's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed ^_^ It wasn't much, I know, just a fluffy, short way to wrap the story up. In fact, I think I emphasized the way Lily changed more than her relationship with James, which was supposed to be the main focus of the chapter, lol. She's grown much more modest, and learned to appreciate the things she has, because she knows what it's like to lose something. I'm glad you find her more bearable. So do I xD
Ah, hearing the story from Sirius. That actually was my problem for a long time. I thought "what the heck, he can't explain it, it'll sound stupid". So I'm kind of cheating and putting everything in flashbacks, haha. I know it's not really fair, but I think it will sound less awkward. I don't see Sirius as explaining his actions either, but I have struggled to write the dialogue between him and Lily in such way that she'd actually convince him. I hope. You can tell me if it was believable or not xD
I'm very very happy that you liked this little piece, I honestly don't know how to thank you for all the wonderful reviews you've left. They mean the world to me ^_^
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Okay, I stopped half way through reading this chapter cos I'm just breathless at this little bit here.
A last, desperate attempt; a fruitless, useless, hopeless attempt.
“Is there any snow left?” she asked weakly, a sparkle of hope flashing in her eyes.
Because it carries on the idea you started here:
Lily had been the winter, the snowflakes and the frosty nights – and now winter was over, making room for a blooming spring. The snowdrop meant the world to Vanessa – it told her everything she needed to know.
Both sections are amazing and so very meaningful. Lily was a phase, and though she had felt so much, for Sirius it had been cold and unfeeling, like winter. The snow's gone and there's no more hope for her. I do feel for her, in my own way, but I think it's right that something like this, this sudden awareness that she wasn't the most important thing came her way. Sirius and Vanessa, you describe them as arrogant. They're similar, together, and they work well because they need the mutual affection to get through, and they understand each other. Lily only wanted to understand him, she treated him like he was something to be solved, something she could help. Am I being vague and unclear again? To anyone else this might be a good thing, but Sirius doesn't need or want someone to solve him. In his own warped, weird way, he was giving her what he wanted, and it sort of worked out (i think, in the long run) in her favour. Sort of.
Hah, people must think I'm so weird to come up with these things.
amazing, once more!
xAuthor's Response: I'm surprised you chose precisely THAT little section, because that's the one I actually re-wrote the most. I didn't really know how to say what I wanted to say, but you managed to explain it all here, it seems. Lol. It's true, there is a reason why I chose winter to match the "happy" section of the story in this whole nature-matching-action concept. That is exactly what Sirius felt towards Lily. He never felt for her what she felt for him, and there's quite a play there. If you've noticed the descriptions, winter is always magical, strange, beautiful - but still winter. Sirius made it magical (in Lily's vision), but it was always cold.
Once again, you're touching a very sensitive spot, so I will refrain from commenting about this part - "I think it's right that something like this, this sudden awareness that she wasn't the most important thing came her way" - because I might just give my entire plot away. Then again, I have a feeling you've already got it all figured out. xD
Sirius and Vanessa seem arrogant to Lily, yes. He seems arrogant because, in Lily's eyes, he played her. He got the trophy and walked away victoriously. As for Vanessa, the same thing pretty much goes for her too. She played Lily and lied to Lily, and got what she wanted in the end. From Lily's point of view, they both toyed with her feelings for lack of a better thing to do, and now they're savoring their victory - that's what she sees when she looks at them.
And the reason for this entire twisted vision is the very fact that Lily doesn't understand either of them, and the world they live in. In fact, she's starting to realize she doesn't really understand much of anything, that she's been living a sheltered life, and the world is different than she thought.
Sirius doesn't want to be solved, that is entirely true. Lily wanted to understand him, when all he was doing was hiding himself from her. She thought she could match the game and figure him out, because she was over confident in herself.
As for Vanessa and Sirius - they work together because Vanessa understands him precisely because she doesn't try to understand him and figure him out like Lily did - again, a paradox, and I've seen it happening in real life. I hope it makes sense. Vanessa takes whatever he gives her, without asking for more. There is a scene in chapter 5, where Lily asks Sirius to be honest and open to her. Sirius doesn't want to be honest and open, and he doesn't want to be understood in the way that Lily wants to understand him. Now I'm totally rambling xD
You're amazing, really. Your reviews made my day, and I couldn't thank you enough for being so awesome. I'm thrilled to know you're enjoying the story, and I hope you'll enjoy the last two chapters just as much (especially the last one ;))
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i KNEW something was coming!!! You know, I think this is a show of my terrible bias against Sirius, just cos I loff him so much, but he's another one I can't seem to be angry at. If it was anyone else in the world, I'd be disgusted, but - it's Sirius, and in a way, LIly always knew that it was all a game. The whole light and dark theme played through really well here... morning is a time for reality, and it's only fitting that Lily wakes up - both literally and metaphorically, the morning after. You're so clever, you.
I really like your little sections of Lily's commentary. It gives nice insight and explains quite a bit without really being "oh yes and this happened and then that". (sorry im not very articulate today)
It really does seem like the beginning of something new now, and I just can't wait to see how you progress with this.
xAuthor's Response: When I first wrote chapter 9, I left out that last paragraph where Sirius walks out of the room, but then I thought I should add it so chapter 10 wouldn't come as a complete shock.
Ah, don't worry, I'm terribly biased when it comes to Sirius as well. When I read stories where he does something absolutely horrible and disgusting, I'm always something like "oh, but there MUST be some kind of explanation...". Lol, yeah, I totally can't hate Sirius. xD But in this case, things really aren't as bad as they look. *wink*
I loved writing the metaphors here - this was the chapter I enjoyed writing the most. It was a lot of fun for me - probably because I was finally back to my comfort area, which is angst. There was too much fluff going on, I just had to put an end to it xD
I'm so happy you liked it, I was really looking forward to hearing your opinion on this chapter. I know the transition from 9 to 10 might not be as swift as it should be, but I wanted it to come as a bit of a blow, considering that's what it was like for Lily as well and, ultimately, it's her point of view I'm writing here. Thanks so much for the amazing review *superhuggletackleglompofextremegratefulnessandlovingness*
Ah, I feel as if we're sitting on the brink of some huge revelation here, and despite the fact that I (like Lily) think that I vaguely understand where everything's going, I'm going to be proven horribly wrong.
I might also add, despite the 50 re-writes, this chapter has come out to be fabulous, as usual. =D
xAuthor's Response: Huge revelation...hmm, not really. Not in this chapter, I mean. The chapter is important not because it throws some big hint - well, it does, but only if you look at the bigger picture - but because it represents the peak of Lily's emotions. This chapter sums her entire relationship with Sirius, cropped in this one little scene where they make love. The anticipation, the fear of the unknown, the game, then that really intense emotion where you really feel like you're a part of the world. That's what Lily feels, and it's the very definition of the foundation her relationship with Sirius is built on. Does that make any sense?
Also, the chapter as a structure is important because, once Lily reaches that tallest emotional peak, there's no way to go but down. So basically, this is where the first half of the story ends and the other half starts.
I doubt you're horribly wrong, since you seem to be right every time :P You really know how to read between the lines, it's astounding.
Thanks so much for the lovely, lovely review, it means the world to me. Really, I loved it. I'm so glad you like the story so much - your opinion is very important to me ^_^
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Oh, oh, deception!
Beautifully written. Wow, I'm actually breathless. It's horrible when you realise a friend has lied to you, but to have done it for so long, and then manipulated the lie to get you to think in a certain way? It's a shame that Sirius and Vanessa seem to be quite close...
But again, I'm liking this girl more and more. Blunt, shrewd. She seems like she'd made of something really tough, like steel... the girl is really impressive, and I love how you've created her. I don't think I've ever read a character like her anywhere.
xAuthor's Response: Yeah, it's absolutely horrible that there are people like Gracie. Of course, in this case, it's a disease, and it's not really her fault entirely. She can't stand herself, so she has to lie and pretend to be someone else. Lily, who's never experienced this because, as I've said before, she thinks really high of herself despite her constant attempts at repressing that feeling, can't understand why Gracie did what she did.
Vanessa is a strong character, yes. There is an entire backstory explanation as to why she turned up that way, but I thought it would be best not to incorporate it here. She's part of a really old story of mine, Haunted House, which I'm currently re-writing. I'm glad you like her though - I enjoy writing her, I often find she contrasts nicely with Lily. ^_^
I can't thank you enough for all the awesome reviews, seriously! Have I told you how much I love you? You're the amazingest. ^_^
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Isn't it strange, how I never disliked Vanessa despite Lily being so hateful of her? I don't know, but I think it's just another continuation of Lily trying to be something more, something different, and putting Vanessa down just so she can be. To be honest, I actually like Vanessa. She seems... I can't think of the word... she's sort of like Sirius in that she's complicated and difficult to read, but also, yes, that's it, she's perceptive, and obviously not intentionally cruel to people she knows can take things. She and Sirius, they measure up people, give them knowledge and experience according to what they think the others can handle. At least, that's how I see them. Please feel free to rip this theory to shreds.
Another lovely chapter!! ^^,
xAuthor's Response: I've heard it from other people before, and I'll openly admit I found it surprising. When I created Vanessa (in the second draft, that is, not when I first wrote her in Haunted House), I never meant for her to be a pleasant character. If anything, I thought of her as one of those obnoxious people who will always throw the truth in your face, and you'll hate them for it. Partly the reason why Lily hates her as well.
Vanessa is the kind of person who would never lie just to spare someone's feelings, which is the polar opposite of Lily, who's always trying to be diplomatic and strike the blow with as little pain as possible. Unlike Lily, who always feels guilty about her feelings, Vanessa is perfectly comfortable with who she is. She doesn't care whether people like her or not, and she doesn't care whether what she's doing is right or wrong, as long as it serves a just purpose in the end. She's a firm believer in the theory that the end justifies the means.
As to your theory...you know, you are totally going to ruin my great plot! Seriously, you are this close to actually figuring it all out, and it's only chapter 6, which is scary. If you discover my plot, I'll cry. xD I'm talking about the bigger plot - yes, there is a big plot incorporating the entire story. So, I wish I could say your entire theory is completely wrong but...I would totally be lying. You're absolutely right in everything. You're an amazingly careful reader, and officially the first person to acknowledge so many little details people just passed by.
I completely love your reviews, have I told you that? Seriously, they make me so very very happy. I loffers you ^_^
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only you can glomp so creatively, dearest CJ ^^,
Another AMAZING chapter. I adore your Lily, mainly because she's so completely convinced of her own self-worth - non-existent self-worth, that is. Strangely, I can really understand her viewpoint. It's... different, but I like it because it's quite honest underneath all the fakeness. Mmm, I'm confusing myself slightly, but I hope you can understand what I'm trying to get at. Point is, we know exactly how she's wrong, thanks to you, of course. Like that scene with her coming in and people looking at her. I think that touch was really quite brilliant.
Also, I really love that James seems to be off Lily right now. It just adds to the whole Sirius/Lily side of things. But also, the way you did it was very well-written. You didn't blow him off just for the sake of it. You did it, and you re-inforced my view of your Lily in the mean time.
Ah, you're really amazing.
xAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked this one, it's one of my favorites. Your reviews really brighten my day in these horrible times. I'm still moping over more than half of my reviews being gone forever *sob*
When you say you like Lily, do you mean the way she's written, or the character itself? Because let me tell you that you're one of the very few people (possibly the only one) who actually caught the trait I emphasized most in this story when it comes to Lily. Despite not acting like it, Lily is, deep inside, very very arrogant, but in an unconscious sort of way. She really believes she's better than the rest, and it scares her because she knows she's not supposed to feel that way, so she represses this feeling, unlike Sirius, who's using it to its full potential. She thinks she's unworthy because she thinks she's better - quite the paradox, actually, but I've seen it in plenty of people.
I loved writing James in this story. I didn't put him off just for the sake of it, but it becomes obvious that until he steps up and stands up for himself, Lily will never consider him. He put his foot in the door and said enough was enough and just like that, Lily realizes he isn't quite as addicted to her as she thought he was. Once again, huge blow to Lily's confidence. I love messing her up xD
I'm really happy you liked it, I loved writing it ^_^ And thank you so much for the astounding review!
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CJ, i am so sorry for not reading more sooner. You know how life is an utter pain in the backside. It was all I could do not to cringe with shame whenever I saw that you'd updated yet another chapter.
What you've built between your two characters is great, and I particularly love that they've had an argument. It shows a conflict between the Sirius that Lily wants him to be and the one that he is. and somehow i think its even more poignant that the argument was centered over Snape.
I'm sorry, I know that this is one of my worthless reviews, but I'm desperate to read on and I have a flu so my train of thought is slightly muddled. *please forgive me!*
xAuthor's Response: Yasi! OMG I missed you! I know what being busy is like, don't worry - I'm busy all the time, lol. Don't feel bad, really - I appreciate the reviews, no matter how late they come. Besides, I'm not the fastest reviewer out there either. x.x
I loved writing their argument, and I'm glad you liked it too. Sirius wants Lily to see reason, Lily wants Sirius to be more understanding, and since these two characters are so utterly unlikely to reach a compromise, this is what happens. Snape was the first topic I could think of, because of the strongly opposing views. It's interesting to indirectly write a character from two different people's POVs (needless to say that none of them was even right in the first place :P).
It's a lovely review, and it made my day. ^_^ Thanks so so much!
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Definitely one of the more original Hogwarts-era stories - at last! =) And you have a great sense of humour.
“You look ravishing, Harry, don’t be so stupid.” Ron couldn’t hide the sarcasm in his voice, “Hermione will drop dead at the sight of you... Stone. Cold. Dead.”
I love it!
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I really do love this story. Lily's just at the end of her tether, isn't she? And there's Sirius, so confusing and yet so gorgeous, a perfect specimen to lose herself in. Now if only he was a little more stupid, so that she could feel like she was in control and everything would be perfect... but no. Sirius is far too confusing and has such a split personality that she begins to forget what she wanted in the first place. Haha. I love how Lily's slowly changing, and how she's so obviously not in her right mind in this chapter. Though, there were two little errors I spotted. First of which, shouldn't the 'this' in 'I love this expression' have been 'that' instead?
And the line 'it doesn't make any sense' should be 'that doesn't make any sense' instead. Anywho, fab chapter. I'm trying my best to think of ways to help this chapter, but it's really good already. Honestly, "And finally, a voice broke through the silence, mercilessly smashing the last remains of her dream and leaving nothing but the dust in the air and the light of the morning sun" is such an amazing quote. I'm adding this to my favourites. :D
xAuthor's Response: I'm so happy to hear you liked it! ^_^ Lily's literally going mad in this chapter. Sirius is still a stranger to her, as she doesn't understand him and yet she's addicted to him and she's in love with who she is when she's with him. It's amazing to hear you liked the characters and their interaction in this chappie. It was a lot of fun to write.
The grammar errors will all be fixed soon enough. I just found a beta who will be helping me with the story. I'm not a genius when it comes to grammar - quite obvious, I suppose :P. That quote toward the end was me throwing a dramatic sentence in the middle of a scene that wasn't THAT dramatic, but I'm glad to hear it worked out okay. I can rarely keep myself away from the drama, heh. I'm honored to have my story among your favorites, it means a lot to hear that people liked it, and especially you. Your opinion means a lot to me, as I know you're honest and I also know you're an amazing writer and someone who's read a lot of amazing stories. You cant believe how much help you've provided here. You're amazing and I can't think of any proper way to thank you. You've literally made my day *bounces happily*
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First off, CJ, my humongous apologies for doing this so late. I only really got your owl today, see, i was off for a week from like the 15th-21st, and then i got back and plunged into schoolwork. I know, it's not a good enough excuse, but I really didn't mean to ignore your request. And I'm really honoured that you asked me to read this. Seeing as you asked me to give cc, I'll do my best to be as helpful as I can :).. even if it sounds like I'm being unncessarily picky.
Okay, so 'In the middle of winter, someone had clearly thought it would be a good idea to open the window.'.. something sounds a bit off. It's the 'clearly' I think. It doesn't seem to fit well with the context... if you'd have put 'some idiot had thought' or something like that, maybe it would have shown Lily as slightly more disgruntled and thus her personality? (after all, I doubt anyone likes being woken up to that at that time of the year).
I love your Sirius, though. He has that forced maturity, that dominance about him that we know and love. Lily still grates on my nerves a bit, though, but that's how you've protrayed her, and really, that's up to you.
I love her tracing his face. It's a really gorgeous, but try and see if you can expand on it a bit more. Thing is, even the simplest of touches can be made to be so much more. I don't know how to try and tell you to do this, I'm sure it doesn't need more than a few words, but try and make this act on Lily's part more than just her rising to the challenge. Because even though she does, she's sort of surprised, isn't she, by what she feels, and the enjoyment she's getting from it. Like you said, she's falling in love with danger (love that line, by the way), so why don't you show that more by having her first real contact with danger be that much more poignant?
Anywho, this is more my view on the story than any proper criticism, isn't it? I'm finding it quite difficult, because it really is quite good already. I'd just try and do a bit more work on refining your descriptions, try and give the appropriate ones more power than others and such. I love your dialogue, though. Really well done. I'm off to read the next chappie :DAuthor's Response: Pfft, what are you apologizing for? This review is just awesome and makes up for any delay that may have occurred. You pointed out everything that needs work and I'm just so grateful for that.
You're right, that phrase does sound odd and needs to be changed. I did have another bit showing Lily's annoyance, but I deleted it for some unknown, illogical reason. I'll put it back there.
I'm glad you liked Sirius, I focused on him the most. You wouldn't believe how many times I deleted, edited, re-wrote and added to those parts where he shows up. I've got used to writing him over all the years, but I'm still very picky about his portrayal. Haha, Lily grates on your nerves? That's interesting to hear. I tried to put her in a positive light (as opposed to writing her as I really see her, which isn't the nicest of portrayals), but I guess the part of me that hates Lily sort of fought that down. I'm really sorry about that though, and I'll work on making her nicer in the future chapters (that's going to be tough).
I kinda loved writing that part where she touches her face, too. The first draft had more detail on this, but then I deleted that too *cough*illogical*cough*. I'll write more there, as it's one of my favorite parts as well.
Thank you so so much for this splendid review! You perfectly pointed out everything that needs improvement and I'll be very very grateful for that. I used to have trouble with dialogue (a LOT of trouble) but at least it seems it's improved now. However, since I've focused so much on making my dialogue sound right, I've forgotten all about the descriptive part of the story. I promise I'll work on the descriptions more. I'm glad you liked the story, and thank you for the amazing help you provided here.
CJ Report Review
Seems promising. Strange that you haven't got more reviews, though I daresay people were pretty miffed that you didn't continue with the old verison. It was really good. Anyway, if you're writing for the sake of writing, don't let few reviews get you down. Go for the next chapter and hopefully more people will get interested. If not, their loss :)
xAuthor's Response: Yeah, I can understand that. I really like the old version, but it just didn't seem to go into as much detail as I wanted it to. I want to put in more about the characters, which is what I'm achieving by putting it in Sirius's perspective.
I haven't gotten to the next chapter yet because I have so many stories to write on. I think I'm going to hold off on this one until I finish a few of my others.
Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Okay, I must sound like a gushing record, but again your simple style - oh, bad pun, joojoo - works so well with your writing... both angst and fluff. Anna's in a box made shivers go down my spine.
xAuthor's Response: Haha, gotta love a gushing record though. Seriously though, thank you.
Maisy Report Review
I love your OC. And again, your writing... I think you're going to be going in my fave author's sometime very soon. I don't normally read Remus/OC's because he's often written as too "good" for my liking, but this is really quite something. I love her Hufflepuff-iness, and how she fell in love with Remus. It all bodes well for a story I'm sure is going to be fabulous!
xAuthor's Response: Hi joojoo! Thanks! I'm so glad you like it so far. And yeah, I have noticed that Remus-is-holier-than-thou trend. Never been a big fan of it as you might pick up later in the story. Anyways thanks for reading!
Maisy! Report Review
Yay! Another chappie! I adore the way you write. It's so simple yet so hilarious and effective. Poor Sirius, and poor Addie. He stuck his foot in his mouth and she got a slap in the face. How that works I have no idea, but it happened, and now Thomas Grant The Opporunist is going to come in and take Addie awayyy.
Tis sad, but also too flipping hilarious for me to do anything but grin. Fab job!
xAuthor's Response: Haha. Addie. Nice!
Thanks for the review and also for that sweet nickname for Adara :) Report Review
That oboe line was hilarious. Hogwarts Symphony Orchestra, indeed... we have one at our school, but I haven't a musical bone in my body so it all goes completely to waste. Oh well. XD
Amazing job on this chapter. Can't wait to see what happens to V.O.L.D.E.M.O.R.T (wow, that kid is so stupid).
xAuthor's Response: Thank you! The oboe line really seems to stick out in people's minds =D. V.O.L.D.E.M.O.R.T. will take center stage in Chs. 12 & 13, and Snorky is very, very stupid. He's not in Ravenclaw like his mum, after all. Report Review
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