Keep an eye out for homophones - they're words that sound the same but have a different spelling and meaning. For example:
There = direction 'over there'
Their = possession 'their story'
They're = they are.
Diana’s smile faded and she turned around and hugged him “By dad” she announced with a small sigh. The wrong word here, you wanted 'bye', you used 'by' as in this was written by an author.
Draco smiled “Buy sweetheart, I’ll see you soon” that should have been 'bye' (as in 'bye bye'; the buy refers to purchase).
Unfortunately, spellcheck doesn't pick up on this, the words are spelled correctly - they just don't happen to be right in the context.
There are a lot of other typos too - again, a fine-toothed comb would help. Try going through the fic, a sentence at a time but backwards (ie. start with the last sentence and end at the first). This is the method I use in my beta work, I'm more likely to spot an error if I haven't already read the next sentence. I also use this in my University assignments, but much more strictly.
Don't give up! The plot was very good! I now know that the reason Draco hasn't been able to see Diana is because he works at Azkaban; I know that Matt has great hatred/jealousy aimed at her; and I know Diana is obviously a briliant example of a witch because she has gained head girl status.
One point - how did she know of her books list if her Hogwarts letter arrived after she came home from shopping? In the books, the letter for prefects arrives with their book list. Perhaps an explination of that?
Another explination Id like to see is why Draco is working? He doesn't need the money, so why choose one of the worst jobs in the magical world? Is it self punishment?Author's Response: wow there is alot to remember in this one! I've edited the chapter keeping in mind you're suggestions, so hopefully it makes a bit more sense now!
thanks so much for these really helpful reviews hun!
Also i'll describe why draco is a guard in the next one, chapter 5 proberbly...
cheers :) Report Review
great chapter!!! they are fianlly together! yay!! though i bet jasmine will spoil it somehow! and what happened to malfoy? he walked out on them all in the previous chapter... this one didnt exactly follow on from it! anyway, brilliant writing! update soon!!!
rose :)Author's Response: thanks rosai *hugs* i'm so glad you are liking this fic hun, it means the world! :) and yes it didn't follow one....sorry about that but this chapter needed to be in! Report Review
Your punctuation is a bit irratic, and you could do with punctuating more,it would improve your sentence structure and writing style. Little things, such as placing a comma in place of 'and' makes the writing more mature; children tend to write "and so-and-so did this and so-and-so did that and..." place commas in and it sounds better:
She was nervous they didn’t get to see each other often, what with Draco and Hermione refusing to speak to each other and his work and her school commitments. replace this 'and' with either a comma or semi colon and you get a much more 'mature' writing style and a sentence that flows better without being repetitive. There are a couple more such sentences in here too - perhaps change them also?
Mothers should be Mother's, and similarly with Father's - you write it correctly in some places, but miss it in most. Mother, Father and their variations should also have a capital letter - it is their title (in the same way that Mr. and Mrs. are capitalised).
Sometimes you place each new speaker on a new line, with others you dont. Keeping your formatting constant will increase the quaility of the fic and make it easier to read.
I know nobody likes someone to pick at their fiction, but (unfortunately) once I pick up on one error, I'll pick up on any more - I am a real grammar nit-pick and errors (metaphorically) smack me in the face. I am in no way flaming your writing, just pointing you in the direction of improvement. I don't lie in my reviews, I won't tell someone it is wonderful if it isnt; but you could MAKE it wonderful by sorting out your errors! The plot is one I haven't seen before, I LOVE a unique plot among so many steriotypes! Go through with a fine-toothed comb and untangle the mistakes and you will be left with a wonderful piece of fiction! (I'd offer to beta, but I have my hands full with another fandom already).
Utopia.Author's Response: first of all i just want to say thanks! ( i know you proberbly don't expect that!) but it's true, i've been working on this fic since i came here, and is the only one of mine that i actually wan't people to like! you have been a great help picking out these things i need to improve and i thank you for that!
i just hope that you continue to read it! Report Review
Be careful of 'to' and 'too', you're using the former in place of the latter in most cases.
I personally thought that these paragraphs were too long, could you possibly split them up a little bit to give the reader a break in such huge chunks of text? It would make it easier to read and take in.
Author's Response: THANKS! i looked for them and hopefully i found them all! *fingers crossed*
thanks for the review hun *hugs* Report Review
Can you put each different speaker on a new line so its easier to follow the dialogue please? the paragraphs are well split, but bunching the text into them makes it rather complicated to read the spoken phrases.
Keep a sharp eye out for typos and little errors, they slightly spoil the fic.
The plot is good, such a shame it has to start with the end of a marriage - but every fic has a beginning, and your's has me hooked.Author's Response: thankyou for all these wonderful reviews! i will try my hardest in finding all the typos and working on your suggestions to improve the fic!
so thankyou, and i'm glad you're liking it so far! Report Review
that was so cute...
i could strangle her...
please update soon...
11/10Author's Response: thankyou hun, i'll try but i'm not making any promises! Report Review
Great job it did clear up questions. Pleas eupdate soon!Author's Response: i just update the next chappie! hope you like it :) Report Review
amazing chapter!! :) i loved it! i hope that draco and hermione get back together again, it is so obvious that they both want to!! im glad he's ok after his ordeal! but isnt he a bit stupid going out alone without telling anyone? specically as they all cared for him when he was injured...
anyway, great writing! i really enjoy reading this story! cant wait to see what happens next! update soon!!! :)Author's Response: Ha oh thanks so much hun! you'll just have to wait and see i'm affraid! not saying a thing!
i'll try and update soon, tryly but i'm having a bit of writers block at the moment. so i'm not quiet sure :(
i'm glad you liked it, and thanks so much for the review! *hugs* Report Review
Great Story! Keep it up!!Author's Response: thankyou *hugs* Report Review
i love it, update soon!!!Author's Response: thanks hun! Report Review
jesus, got a little scared there for a moment. I just hope nothing is bad is gonna happen to them :O that would be awful.
Really great chapter (as the others before) ;) Author's Response: *evil grin* great!
nah, i'm sorry you got a bit scared there, it wasn't my intention! (honest ;p)
i'm so glad you like it hun, the next chapter will hopefully be out soon, i just wan't to finish writing another chapter first! Report Review
omg! i cant wait to see what happens next! post soon!! please!! i cant stand the suspense!!! Author's Response: hehehehe...i'll try and update soon, but i can't make any promises, i wan't to finish a few more chapters first and i have alot of homework *sulks* Report Review
omg!! will dracos dad come??? omg!!! STUPID DRACO!! update soon!!!Author's Response: ha! indeed, but what do you expect! Report Review
UH-OH! NICE FORESHADOWING! BUT WHAT'S NEXT?!Author's Response: no idea! ;p ( just kidding!) Report Review
keep up the good work and update soonAuthor's Response: thanks hun, i'll try! Report Review
making someone like you is just spelling trouble.
10/10Author's Response: that would be true, if the character was me. Report Review
lol it was really short and well... a little fluffy at the end. but its all good, a little more fluff around would make the world a better place. I want more to happen with Matt and Diana. Author's Response: yes a little fluffy, but fluffy is good in my opinion! don't worry, more will happen soon *wink*
thanks for the review hun! Report Review
Aw. Where is the love? I expect great thing to happen to them you know ;) And u better make them! Or else.. (kidding).
But really, it would be sweet if they got together :)
This story is going great so far, and if u keep updating I will continue to read it.
About those reviews.. you only got 4, and I'm sorry about that. Well, I dont usually review.. sometimes yes, but not so often. But when you put it like that, I just had to, to make you understand that I really like this story (even though i dont review it), so now you know. And if I dont like some stuff that's happening or have and opinion on something I will review it. Dont worry :)Author's Response: oh don't worry! i have plans for them....;p
oh thankyou hun. i'm so glad you're liking this story. i'm having so much fun writing it! yeah, i only got 4 for the last one but i've already got 10 for this one! i'm absolutly blown away at that!
so thank you! *hugs* Report Review
i love it, please update soon!!!Author's Response: thankyou! i'll try and update some time next week. see how much i can get written by then ;p Report Review
hey i ve been wondering how to make a banner
could you show me
email me at email@example.comAuthor's Response: thanks for the review!
i emailed you ;p Report Review
oh i love it i have been looking through the storys on the website for nearly an hour until yours caught my eye and i must say i was pleassntly suprised this story is fantastic so well done on the first i am off to read more!Author's Response: oh awsome! i love snagging people into reading my stories ;p oh i'm so glad you liked it hun. *hugs* Report Review
I likey!Author's Response: crikey, you likey, awsomey!
sorry..... ;p Report Review
Looking good!! I am really liking the re-work you have done! Great job.Author's Response: thankyou! i totally agree, i was rushing the last one a bit, this version is definetly better! Report Review
keep up the good work and update soonAuthor's Response: i'll try and update next week but i can't make any promises! Report Review
OMG!Please put up the next chapter soon!Author's Response: i'll try! i'm so glad you like it! Report Review
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