Reading Reviews for Inside Death
43 Reviews Found

Review #26, by onestop_hpfan18 02: My Little Ana

31st May 2011:
Aw, poor Illyana. I feel her sadness as I could not imagine my mother leaving. It's terrible. Over all, though, I thought you did a great job building up to the point when Illyana found the note her mother wrote to her, explaining she had to leave, and then releasing the pain Illyana felt. Great job. (:

Author's Response: Hey Leslie!

Thanks for the reviews :) I'm glad you felt her sadness. What happened to her is terrible and I hope that I can continue to show (and for my readers to continue to feel) Illyana's loss and pain as the story progresses.


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Review #27, by BlondegoingonBrown 02: My Little Ana

13th May 2011:
Ooooh I just found this story and I'm loving it. I love how conflicted Ilyana us, rooting for future Ily/June! Hope you update soon!

Author's Response: Yay for loving it! Yes, Illyana is rather conflicted here and it will probably only get worse...maybe haha. I hope you continue to enjoy the series! I will update by the end of July I hope ;)

And I'm not really sure what you mean by Illy/June :/ Sorry.

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Review #28, by Reuben Prologue: June 1980

7th May 2011:

So first off, I was drawn here by your sig on The Golden Snitches - I was fascinated by the quote about how 'The enemy is anyone who's going to get you killed... no matter which side he's on.' I clicked, came to the story page, and was similarly drawn in by your summary. Awesome. I love brilliant manipulative characters.

I don't know about you, but personally the most difficult characters for me to write and to read in fanfiction are OCs. Writing them is difficult because they must be realistic and fit in the universe, and reading them is difficult because beside the canon characters, they often don't feel as fleshed-out or interesting. On the other hand, a well-written OC can be a wonderfully novel character, somebody who lends new depth to a story and brings out new sides of the world or the established characters. Julienne Macnair is one such OC. In under two thousand words, you convinced me that she was interesting and that I wanted to know more about her, her situation, and her life in general. Lines such as

'...marriage to her once-loved Walden...'

are very good, hinting at a past which we may never get to see, yet add depth to both the characters and the story. I felt a connection to Julienne, and the description of her despair was creepy in the best possible way.

I was, as you may have noticed thus far, very impressed by the fact that you really made me care about Julienne's life and situation. The faltering nursery rhyme was a very clever way to weave in her uncertainty about the world she lived in, being as it was apparently rather exclusive to the Pureblooded culture. I was wondering at first why you changed the words, but it was well done.

Your writing style is excellent. It draws the reader in, provides a good balance of description and emotion, and really made me able to envision the scene in my head. I felt it got a tad wordy at times, but it was nothing too serious. Technically the writing is very well done; I didn't spot any mistakes, though I was quite caught up in the emotion of the chapter, and thus wasn't looking as closely as I might normally (I can be a bit of a grammar nazi, you see).

I'd like to mention that I think the image for this chapter was perfect. The woman in the picture looks much like I was imagining Julienne; beautiful, but distant and with a smile that doesn't touch her eyes. Good call.

In summary, this is a great introductory chapter, introducing a believable and sympathetic character who (if my assumption is correct) isn't even the protagonist, and using some extremely well-written third-person prose - I've read published books whose writing wasn't near as polished as this. I'm definitely giving this chapter 10/10, and I'm off to read the other two.

Author's Response: I totally thought that I responded to this a million years ago. I fail at life, please forgive me XD Anywho, this is one of the most FANTASTICLICIOUS reviews I have ever gotten on HPFF. I'm printing it and plan to hug it lol.

So...where to begin officially! Uhm, your review leaves me aghast! It is the sweetest review ever and you praised everything! My summary, image selection, prose, characterization, OC, writing, on and on everything! I'm so floored by your response to my work that I can only hope (and potentially beg) that my next chapters can live up to the standard I seemed to create for myself with this prologue. Please, let me know -I love CC btw.

But in all seriousness, thank you so much for this review! It makes me feel so fantastic and mughy (I don't feel this often about my writing) and I just don't know what else to write in response to you.

Thank you so much, Reuben! I'm glad you enjoyed the prologue :)


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Review #29, by onestop_hpfan18 01: Whispers in June

4th May 2011:
It's nice having another character's perspective of what they experienced during HBP/DH, gives more insight to the surroundings rather than just what Harry is aware of. Also, you've really built up strong characters in not only Julienne, but also Illyana now. It's clear that she doesn't know what to think of Dumbledore's death having not really known him, only what her mother has told her. And her inner struggle with figuring out how she feels about all of this that has happened in the span of one night seems very evident and you've done a great job emphasizing her turmoil for readers to see.

As far as the plot and flow go, I think it's shaping up nicely so far as you're doing a good job sticking with the timeline as well as adding in how other characters view these events that are happening around them. Great chapter. I'll review ch. 3 sometime tomorrow.

Author's Response: Hey Leslie! Thanks for the review; sorry this response is SO extraordinarily delayed. Thank you for your kind words too. I'm glad you get all that I wanted my readers to sense :) And that you felt like Illyana and Julienne are strong characters! I hope to keep this pretty canon compliant, so I'm glad there wasn't anything too wonky with the timeline now haha.

Thanks again! Hope you enjoyed the rest of what you read ;)


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Review #30, by onestop_hpfan18 Prologue: June 1980

4th May 2011:
I really like this so far, it's different and you've really captured Julienne's character well, as well with how she's coping with motherhood in the starting gates. There is much to comment on since not much happened yet, but so far the writing is flowing nicely together and I think I only crossed over one or two typos that I can't even remember where they were because they were small typos. Over all, great prologue to what looks like an intriguing story.

Author's Response: Hey Leslie!

I'm glad you enjoyed this and find it to be "different" haha. You are correct that much isn't going on yet, but this was a prologue for that very reason, so I'm happy you think it was great in that sense! I went back and tried to catch the typos I could find ;)


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Review #31, by puiwaihin 02: My Little Ana

20th April 2011:
I really liked how you built up suspense in this chapter. Simply having everything remain silent as she went through her home was a very good tactic. It reminded me of times when I would come home to an empty house.

I particularly liked the scene with the painting of Abraxas Malfoy. It was what put me most in mind of the Black residence at Grimauld Place. Nice detail.

If there's any criticism of the overall story thus far, it's that there is not much interaction. Almost all the action has been an internal monologue. There's nothing wrong with that, perhaps if Illyana had been in a discussion with a classmate before apparating home it might have added another dimension to the chapter.

Good writing and I look forward to reading more.

Author's Response: 'Ello again!

I'm glad you felt the suspense from this chapter. I always undermine myself as a writer (worst critic right here!) and feel that I can't make my readers' feel certain things -so this makes me happy! Coming home to an empty house, when you don't expect it, always freaks me out. I find myself looking through the whole thing...just in case haha.

See, there is some magic here ;)

Your criticism at the end really sums up what has been going on! Aka, the distinction you make between internal and external events is really eye-opening. Unfortunately, the next chapter was already semi-written and planned, but after that there will be more interaction than I can probably handle. I really appreciate this bit a feedback and hope to change the pace of the story because of it. Thank you so much :)


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Review #32, by puiwaihin 01: Whispers in June

20th April 2011:
Interesting place to begin the body of the story. I can look forward to Illyana having to deal with Snape and the Carrows reign at Hogwarts. This is definitely a time when she'll need to make some tough decisions.

The writing was mostly high quality, but there were a few errors that caused some discomfort. In a few places the meaning was a little unclear, but that was the exception. Generally the story was nicely detailed.

I would have liked the funeral scene to have been expanded a bit more. It seemed a bit rushed. You also didn't let the readers know that the song that was heard was Fawke's song. Fine for those who are familiar with the story, but confusing for people who are not. I understand Illyana would not have known what the song was at that time, but the narrator may have or she could have heard later.

Again, I'd like a little more magic. It is one of the charms of the world of Harry Potter.

Despite these criticisms, the chapter was rather well written and you get a good sense of the upcoming problems and choices that will be facing our protagonist. You did a good job showing rather than telling about her. Keep up the good work.

Author's Response: Months later and I am finally responding to your reviews *is ashamed* Sorry about that.

First of all, thanks for you reviews in general :) Your perspective has been great! Yes, she will definitely be facing a LOT of challenging times and Snape/the Carrows won't be seen for a while...dun, dun, dun lol.

I'm glad you felt that this chapter was pretty well done. I probably won't ever add in that it was Fawkes' song, but I understand your reasoning for stating that I should. As I said in my last response, more magic will occur! I have not stripped magic away in this series I assure you ;)

Yay for showing and not telling haha! Always important. Thanks again for your reviews!


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Review #33, by puiwaihin Prologue: June 1980

20th April 2011:
This was a very well written chapter. There were a few noticeable punctuation mistakes, but they were only noticeable because of the crispness of the rest of the writing.

I particularly liked the little parenting details that makes Julienne's motherhood more believable-- holding the hair away from the baby's grasp and the changing of the eye color.

Considering that this is a Harry Potter fanfic, it might have been appropriate to include a little wand waving, just to help the reader get into the setting. HPFF readers take it for granted, but if there were a reader not as familiar with HP they might not even realize they were dealing with a witch and a witch's child.

All in all, though, an excellent chapter and a good start to a larger story.

Author's Response: puiwaihin, thank you so much for your quick review! I have finally edited the chapter a bit, taking into consideration this review and your PM comments about punctuation. I'm glad you believed in Julienne's motherhood -she really didn't do such a bad job in the end I think haha. I understand what you mean in terms of magical elements, but the rest of the story will have plenty of magic from the HP world to go around ;)

Thanks again!


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Review #34, by NeverGotHerLetter 02: My Little Ana

4th April 2011:
Wow that was absolutely amazing! It was chilling and scary and also gave a really realistic account of what happened. It wasn't too over the top and it didn't give us the pretence of Illyana being cool and collected about it, because honestly that wouldn't happen :)
I really liked the secret room being added in but the 'four white pillars' just reminded me to much of Malfoy Manor. I think you should change the description because the Malfoys were the RICH death eaters... was McNair really that rich? Or is this AU McNair. Anyhow it still reminded me of the Malfoys' place.
One more little bit of CC, the ending was too abrubt for my liking. It would have worked if you had put something more descriptive and gives us a clear view of what Illyana is feeling, like the sentences before and indeed the whole story so far. I think that just "Illyana cried." isn't a sufficient ending for a story which has shown a much higher calibre of writing before.
But still a fantastic story in which I hope there'll be another chapter soon :D Another 9/10 :)
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x x

Author's Response: Hi again! Sorry my responses have been delayed!

Haha, oh no, I don't think many people could remain cool and calm in a situation like this at all. Yay for chilling, realistic, and scary! I'm so happy you felt those things while reading this.

As far as the Manor concerns, it isn't as big as Lucius' Manor that's for sure. However, remember, Illyana is a Malfoy too ;) As the next chapters come out, more will be revealed in terms of Walden MacNair's connections.

Hmm, while I already know I'm not going to drastically change the ending, I appreciate your feedback on this section. I'm glad that you got the sense of a degradation in description and language, because that was my intention. As Illyana breaks down, so does the language, in my opinion. But maybe that parallel wasn't executed as well as I thought it was...and I will read that part over too. Either way, I'm glad that you find that I have a high calibre (awesome word!) of writing haha.

Thanks again, I'm glad you enjoyed most aspects of the story this far! =)


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Review #35, by NeverGotHerLetter 01: Whispers in June

4th April 2011:
Hey :D
Another amazing chapter! I'm finding it hard to give you constructive criticism so I'm going to be really picky, ok? :)
So why was Daphne so emotional? Was it just the effect of seeing Dumbledore's body? Or is she a 'nice' Slytherin who liked Dumbledore and is genuinely sad about his death. Also, her emotions change quickly; first she's crying hysterically then she's angry and defiant and then sad again. I think you should check that up :)
Otherwise a great chapter! A really good perspective of an OC witnessing Dumbledore's death and a really good base for characters to know who she is, i.e. her being Draco's cousin and being close to him as you said he wasn't talking to her much lately which insinuates they were close before his task. 9/10 for this one, and still an amazing story! :D
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x x

Author's Response: Hi hi! Thanks for reviewing hun!

Haha, I love nit-picky, no worries ;) Daphne is emotional because, well, she just is emotional :P She hasn't quite mastered control over her emotions, but the shock and horror of death and fear for her future played a big role in making her even more emo. However, I definitely see what you mean -she did get rather angry out of seemingly nowhere and I will see if there is some way to spruce that transition up a bit, thanks!

Yay! I'm glad you enjoyed Illyana's first perspective and got a sense of how she fit in to everything canon (if I'm not reading your review incorrectly). I'm glad you find the story to be amazing haha, thanks so much for reviewing this for me!


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Review #36, by NeverGotHerLetter Prologue: June 1980

4th April 2011:
Hi :) This review is like a month late I know, but I've been SO busy so sorry! I'm skipping a history essay for this haha :D
So this is an AMAZING start!! It's really intriguing and Julienne is very believable. Also it gives an insight in to what it was like at for some wizarding families at the time of the first war. I really like it! Spelling and grammar is fine, as is the general plot line and it's definitely unique, I've never seen anything like it before... really looking forward to reading on! 10/10 :)
Sorry again for the late review and I'll try to be more helpful to you for improving it in the next chapter :)
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x x x

Author's Response: Hey NeverGotHerLetter! Haha, don't worry about being late, to be completely honest I didn't realize how long ago I posted in your thread (I had to double-check) lol and ooof! don't miss a history essay over reviews, especially on my account, I'm sorry hun :/

Thank you! I didn't tihnk it was that fantastic, but thanks so much for your kind words and for saying it's unique. I'm going through a rut right now and I think your review has made me feel better about the story as it is thus far. Thanks so much! I'm glad you felt like this opening gave you some insight and that Julienne was believable, that's very important!

Quit apologizing haha ;) Thanks again!


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Review #37, by electricfeel 02: My Little Ana

3rd March 2011:
Hi, electricfeel again :)

Aw, poor Illyana! This was a really great chapter; it delves further into Illyana's relationship with her mother and father as well as giving the reader little snippets about her life thus far. The mentioning of the muggle books that she hadn't touched since being sorted into Slytherin was a nice touch. In such a small sentence you give us a lot of information. She was a Slytherin, her mother obviously had no real issue with blood purity, yet, being sorted into Slytherin must have had an effect on Illyana with regards to her feelings on it all. Cleverly done.

You've also begun developing your plot nicely, it's certainly full of mystery and many open ends. This has the potential to really capture your readers imagination.

I really do believe your strength lies in description. The whole opening paragraph was done brilliantly and the last few short, sharp sentences matched the change of mood in the story well.

Overall, a really good chapter. I'm sorry I can't offer more CC but I don't think you need to change anything really!

Author's Response: Hello dear!

I know, right? Poor girl :( Living during War is never easy...can't say if it will get better of worse for the darling Illyana. I'm glad you're getting a sense of character from the detail, that's what I wanted! I hope the plot continues to keep people in, the next chapter will certainly add more depth to an already growing plot haha.

Yay! I have a strong point haha. I'll keep this in mind ;) Thanks for the review! Yours always made me happy!


Oh, and there is still much more to Julienne than what meets the eye ;)

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Review #38, by Liberator600 Prologue: June 1980

2nd March 2011:
Hi! Liberate60 from the forums here.
I like your story and how you illustrated the suffering of Jullienne. Very nice.

Author's Response: Thanks, Liberate!


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Review #39, by gingersnape 01: Whispers in June

27th February 2011:
The writing in this was amazing. It really drew me in, and I liked how you did all of the characterizations especially! The last line was.. it left me speechless! Oh goodness, well, I really like how the chapter came together. I don't think I've read a story that starts at this time before, so it was an interesting and really refreshing read for me! Oooh, I wasn't expecting Draco's cousin! :D

Author's Response: Hello ginger!

I'm glad you liked my writing :D That makes me so happy! Along with the fact that the characterizations worked for you too, yay! Haha, I'm glad a few things were new too ;) Thanks so much for the review! I really appreciate it! & happy 10 years HPFF!


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Review #40, by _Leo_ Prologue: June 1980

25th February 2011:
Hey there!

This was so beautifully written! I loved your description, it was so easy to imagine the whole scene and connect with Julienne. And she's staying for her daughter's sake.
An interesting set-up, makes you want to read on and find out what's going to happen to mother and daughter. And you mentioned Malfoys?! Could Draco be Ana's cousin?

The only small things I noticed were these:
... she thought about all the times she had been kept her awake since her daughter's birth ... - I think the her can be omitted.
... and the wailing would be begin the second she breathed the wrong way. ...
... fall as easy prey ...

So, grasping at straws here, trying to be helpful :)

I really enjoyed reading! xxx Leo

Author's Response: Hey Leo! Thanks for stopping by, yeah 10th Anniversary :)

You have to read on to find out about these alleged Malofys haha. ;) I glad you enjoyed the piece and saw everything so clearly. And I especially liked that you pointed out my mistakes - I always make them and am such a perfectionist -so thank you so much! You were very helpful indeed, thank again :)


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Review #41, by electricfeel 01: Whispers in June

1st February 2011:
Another great chapter. The opening line was just so straight to the point that it seemed to shock me to life and set the whole tone for the rest of the story. Yet as it went on, the harsh beginnings diffused into confusion, anger and finally sorrow. It matches the realities of loss perfectly.

I really like Illyana, although at this point I feel a real strong affection for her mother, which is why the line "and the single whisper of good-bye from a lost mother to her naive daughter" is really worrying me! That whole last paragraph by the way, was written so beautifully. Oh, as was the paragraph with the Pheonix song. Just lovely.

It's a very interesting time to start your story, at the end of the school year. I really like that actually, it's different and probably one of the real turning points in the series of the books (along with Voldemort's reincarnation) so it feels like anything is possible here.

And Draco's cousin? There's something I wasn't expecting.

Anyway, there's nothing else for me to comment on. I'm so glad you requested this in the first place and I really can't wait for the next chapter, I hope you'll request again :)

Author's Response: Hello again, electricfeel! Thanks for the review :)

Eep! Thank you again for all the lovely comments. I'm glad you got a sense of the stages of loss. I can't say I was intentionally considering that, but I'm glad that's what it shaped up to be with this chapter. The opening line was certainly meant to shock and stun.

Haha, I'm glad you enjoy Illyana. She's certainly one of my fav OCs right now. Ah yes, Julienne, she's such an important character. You can bond with Illyana since you both are strongly attached to Julienne :)

I'm glad you felt that this was beautifully written, the compliment makes me so happy!

Yes, his cousin. this will be explored more...I guess I didn't make their connection as obvious as I thought I did in the Prologue. Hmm, oh well haha

Thank again for the great review, I will request again no worries :) Next chapter should be out before the end of the month!


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Review #42, by electricfeel Prologue: June 1980

1st February 2011:
Hi electricfeel from the forums here with your requested review.

Firstly, your summary really drew me in. It's the perfect example of a well written summary. I don't see how anyone could read it and not be instantly intrigued!

The chapter itself was fantastic. You really have a way with bringing your story to life. I can feel her emotions, can see the crying child, it creates an instant understanding for the mother. You also opened up all these layers that completely fascinated me; why she's locked herself up in the nursery, her own mother, the role the Dark Lord plays in her life.

"She would not stand any sort of chance of a free life with the wolves of the Dark Lord's still circling around her family, and her brother's family."

I especially liked this line, you captured the danger and again roused that curiousity!

Please, feel free to request again. Actually I implore you to because I really want to know what happens next. I've favourited this to keep an eye on it :)

Author's Response: Hello electricfeel! (Nice username, reminds me of MGMT :P)

Haha thanks about the summary, I'm glad you found it intriguing and I hope it brings people in too.

*blushes* Fantastic? Favourited? Wow. Thank you for the praise, I'm glad this Prologue piqued your interest and I hope the story continues to make you curious and then, one day, satisfy your curiosity. I'm glad you felt for Julienne and that her character (I assume) seemed believable/realistic as a young mother. The Dark Lord impacted everyone in very different ways and I can't wait to explore this more, especially with my made-up Macnair family.

Thanks for your time and this lovely review, I've already re-requested haha.


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Review #43, by maskedmuggle Prologue: June 1980

23rd January 2011:
Hello :)
A nice chapter! I thought the writing was really good, really descriptive. I am very curious about the plot and the characters. Very unusual. I'm intrigued, and would gladly read any following chapters to find out what's going to happen, so I hope you update soon!

Other than that, a very interesting chapter :)

Author's Response: Hi again! Thanks for reviewing this story too, like I wrote in the other response, I really enjoy seeing your reviews :) Haha unusual? Not sure what that means exactly, but I'm reading it in a good way. So, hope I'm right :P

Either way, glad you found the opening to Illyana's story to be interesting and that your curiosity will be satiated soon becauseee the second chapter of this story is actually currently chillin' in the queue so look for it within 8-10 days, yay!


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