Reading Reviews for Choices That We Make
  
49 Reviews Found

Review #26, by -BookDinosaur- A Hollow Victory

20th May 2013:
Hi, it's -BookDinosaur- here again. :)

I really enjoyed this chapter. First off, I liked the way you portrayed Harry's death-it wasn't overly dramatic or terribly tragic. It was simple, and that made it all the more effective.

I felt that Hermione's reaction was believable, crying and suchlike, but Ron' reaction was rather tame-the only sign of his sadness was his voice cracking. Maybe you could just add a sentence, about how he felt devastated, or that he sniffed hard and tried to stop the tears because he was trying to stay strong for Hermione, who was crying on his shoulder. Something small like that would be effective, but it's just a suggestion. ;)

Also, one small error I spotted: You wrote "He doubted his thoughts towards Dung would never be too charitable." I think that's meant to be 'would ever be too charitable.'

I hope you don't feel I'm being too harsh, I really do enjoy reading this story.

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

It was hard writing his death. Yes, he knows he can do magic in this situation, but he's also not terribly sure that he should. Add in knowing that nothing he does will help his relatives...

I've added a little more for Ron's reaction to Harry's death and for his disbelief at it. I've also corrected the sentence to include "ever" instead of "never".

I do appreciate the corrections. Thank you for taking the time to read through each chapter.

Thank you very much!


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Review #27, by -BookDinosaur- An Unwelcome Visit

19th May 2013:
-BookDinosaur- back again!

I liked this chapter as well, it had more dialogue and character interaction in it, something I was grateful for. I think that there was a good balance between the dialogue and the description, so well done on that.

The story flowed well between the scenes and chapters, so that was fine.

Just one thing I noticed was:
'She gave him another glare before storming from the room.'
I think that in that scene her mood swung rather quickly, questioning to angry to worried to really angry? And also, she never glared at Harry before that. You mentioned her frowning, but not glaring, so she can't give him another glare, if you know what I mean...?

Anyway, all, in all, a chapter I enjoyed reading. ;D

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

Thank you for pointing out the arbitrary glare from Hermione. I've changed it to an exasperated look which should fit the scene better.

Thank you very much!


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Review #28, by -BookDinosaur- Deep Thoughts and Shadows

18th May 2013:
Hi, -BookDinosaur- here with your much-too-late review! I'm sorry!

I liked your characterisation of Harry-he and his actions were all very canon, and the brief descriptions of what Ron and Hermione were up to were also very believable, so well done on that.

I appreciated all the detail you put into this chapter-'Not from his fly-away hair to the ratty trainers he wore.' I felt like I could really see him in my mind.

Your area of concern was whether there was enough setting/description to offset the dialogue. I feel like you did fine with that, if anything, I think it is the other way round-there was a lot of description and not a lot of dialogue. Right now it's fine, but just be careful not too put in too much description-people do get bored of it.

Also, I would just like to say that your grammar and spelling was flawless, so congratulations on that.

Onto the next chapter (soon)!

-BookDinosaur-

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

This chapter did focus a little more on description and Harry reviewing what had happened so far. The dialogue picks up in the next chapter. I do want to make sure I have a good balance between dialogue and description.

I have been trying to keep the characters themselves as canon as possible.

Thank you very much!


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Review #29, by RavenclawGirl11 Shocking the Ministry

11th May 2013:
This chapter is slightly better, however it is brief and short in detail. I wonder what happened to Harry's body, but, for me personally, I would have left it on a cliff hanger,

That aside, I like the progression of the story and feel you are pacing it out well.

~ Macy

Author's Response: Thank you for the review!

I've added a note in my chapter to include more details. Rereading the chapter, descriptions of Gawain and his office as well as the Under-aged magic office could all be added. I also will add Gawain calling in everyone, perhaps in a way that could be a cliff hanger.

Thank you again!


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Review #30, by RavenclawGirl11 Tidings of Sorrow

11th May 2013:
I like the ending - sort of a cliff hanger but not. I think your paragraphs are too short, combining them will make an easier read. Also, you could reword some paragraphs such as:

"While she wept, sparkles appeared around her. They flittered here and there as she cried. Only when she began trying to catch her wobbly breath, did she relax. The small sparkles faded away as if they had never existed."

You could change that too: "Ginny wept, her heart aching to see those emerald green eyes that so many times she thought looked into her soul. Small, red sparkles surrounded her as her cries became irregular. Catching her breath, the sparkles faded and died as if they never existed - just like Harry." for example (sorry that was really quick and I made it up on the spot)

Again, if you take the time and flesh over things making them longer, more flowy and readable, it will be better and more people will be attracted to the story. I hope you take my criticism aboard as it will help you greatly

~ Macy

Author's Response: Thank you for the review!

I've made notes to fix the paragraph lengths and include more details.

I appreciate the time you have taken to read through and critique my chapters. I do want to improve my writing and I really enjoy writing.

Thank you very much!


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Review #31, by RavenclawGirl11 A Hollow Victory

11th May 2013:
I like this chapter, because although it is Third Person its as if Petunia is telling it. The story flows well, however the length of sentences are really snappy and harsh when if you adapted them and made them merge it would be easier to read.

~ Macy

Author's Response: Thank you for the review!

I have started working on the sentence structure and lengths to make it easier to read. I saw what you were talking about with using many shorter sentences making reading a bit choppy.

Thank you!


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Review #32, by RavenclawGirl11 An Unwelcome Visit

11th May 2013:
Hi again! This chapter is smaller and I think is sort of a filler chapter into the real action (sorry if you don't agree)

I am not being purposely mean, however I feel this chapter lacks detail. If you go back over it and flesh out this chapter, it'll be better.

Sorry for such a negative review, but this story has potential.

~ Macy x

Author's Response: Thank you for this review.

I agree that this chapter ended up being a filler chapter.

When I first started posting the story, I was posting smaller chapters. Looking at the chapter lengths now, I really should have combined both this chapter and the next one. There is also another couple chapters that really ought to have been combined also.

However, I have taken another look at this chapter and feel as if I can add more interaction with Petunia and Dudley so that Harry's reactions will make more sense in the next chapter.

I've added notes into the chapter so I won't forget to create the additional portion of the chapter.

Thank you very much!


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Review #33, by RavenclawGirl11 Deep Thoughts and Shadows

11th May 2013:
Hi! You asked for me to review this chapter, so I am. First of all, I think that you are amazing at writing Third Person - it was almost like JK Rowling wrote it herself. Personally, I do not think that Harry would "feel pity" for Draco. I think he'd be furious with Draco; he lured Dumbledore to his death and almost killed Ron and Katie Bell! Just my personal thoughts but on to the chapter...

I think you could change the length and flow of your sentences and paragraphs. For example...

"He sneered. He was finally free of his once-Potions Master. He finally convinced that rat to let him go."

You could do, "He sneered; he was finally free of his once-Potion Master - he finally convinced that rat to let him go."

Nevertheless, its a good start!
~ Macy x

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the compliment!

I took another look at the HBP and reconsidered Harry's reaction. To only have a 2 or 3 weeks pass, pity might be a little much for Harry to have for Draco. Perhaps concern would be a better word.

I will go back through the chapters (and the story) and work on varying the sentence lengths.

Thank you very much!


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Review #34, by MissMdsty Deep Thoughts and Shadows

27th April 2013:
Hello! I'm here with your review for the exchange.

I liked the beginning of this story. It gave me the same feeling I had when I read the first chapters of DH all those years ago and for a moment I was at the start of the journey yet again, no Horcrux in hand and eager to see what's going on.

I liked how you captured Harry in this story. Being the main character he is very difficult to write, because we have 7 books that are basically guidelines: this is Harry and this is how he is. But you did that great!

I bet the Dursleys were thrilled to have Ron and Hermione over for the summer! Maybe we could see a showdown between Ron and Vernon? That would be fun!

I liked the mysterious note on which you ended this chapter and the grammar and spelling were very good! Good job!

Ral

Author's Response: Thank you very much! :)

I hadn't thought about a confrontation between Ron and Vernon, but I will see if it will work in this story or the sequel (which right now is in rough draft timeline form).

I try very hard to keep the characters acting canonically even if the circumstances are different.


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Review #35, by hptrump Saying Good-Bye

16th March 2007:
When is the story going to move beyond Harry and Ginny's funerals?

Author's Response: Soon. Something rather important happens at the funeral. Something that's rather integral to the story.

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Review #36, by _fan_1 One Last Farewell

16th March 2007:
Wo Keep it goin grul
( really good chapter Ithink that you captured Neville just right)

Author's Response: Thank you! I've started updating the story starting at the beginning. My document had just way too many green and red and blue lines all over. :)

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Review #37, by Anony_Mouse One Last Farewell

1st March 2007:
Beautiful chapter. I really love how you did this.

That it was in Neville PoV.oh gosh, I really do feel for the guy. He has had so much happen to in and this too? Harry and Ginny. Dead. You've got his voice down very well-simpler than the other chapters, but that's how Neville would think, right? ;-)

I also love the description. You've done a great job with that, to be sure, but my favorite part of all would probably have to be the last part:
He turned his attention to Professor Dumbledore’s tomb. It was nearby. Ron told him it was on purpose because both Professor Dumbledore and Harry would have liked it. He had to agree with that.
You're so right-Dumbledore and Harry together is the way things should be. :-)

Author's Response: Thanks, I'm really trying to ge tthe next part just right. More viewpoints from their friends and an interesting happening.

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Review #38, by saberwolf My Dear Readers

8th February 2007:
So confirm this for me: are harry and ginny both dead? simple yes or no please.

Author's Response: This is a difficult question. But perhaps I can answer this way - when I picked up this story once more, neither Harry nor Ginny were pleased with their roles and insisted another storyline be used. I suspect there are more plans set in motion from Dumbledore to safeguard Harry.

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Review #39, by Anony_Mouse My Dear Readers

7th February 2007:
You are one heck of a quick updater! But I love you for it, I really do love you for it!

So Rita Skeeter strikes again, does she? Grrr, that woman! It annoys me especially because the Weasley's and Hermione are mourning enough without Rita raising everyone's hopes that he is indeed alive! They've got enough on their plate and what's so wrong with Bill and Fleur having the wedding? Harry would want them to along with it-I really hope Bill and Fleur don't delay their plans because of it. Ahhh, the press, the sometimes terrible, gossiping press!

On a technical note (and this didn't take anything away from the story at all), I noticed you frequently put periods at the end of dialogue instead of commas. It's nothing serious at all, it's just something to keep in mind while you're reading. :-)

Author's Response: Don't forget that she's also insinuating that Ginny is alive... ;I

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Review #40, by Anony_Mouse Bitter Hopes

4th February 2007:
The Ginny thing was just heartbreaking! You've done a wonderful job painting the sadness of Ginny' dying and I really feel heartbroken for all the Weasley's are having to deal with. You're updating really quickly-it's wonderful! *crosses fingers that this comment doesn't force you to break the curse*

Author's Response: Thank you. Life happened, but I rediscovered my stories and they practically begged me to finish them. :)

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Review #41, by Anony_Mouse Case Closed

1st February 2007:
Oh! Poor Ginny!!! And poor Harry...well, I guess it had to be this way, for the story to work out, but it's still sad. I hope you update soon.

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #42, by Anony_Mouse Grim Discoveries

23rd January 2007:
Another good chapter. I really am looking forward to what will happen next. ;-)

Author's Response: Thank you.

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Review #43, by potter Shocking the Ministry

29th December 2006:
like the chapter update soon 10/10

Author's Response: Thank you. I recently found my stories hiding in an old computer and when I opened them, there were so many red and blue and green lines that I've started fixing the story from the beginning!

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Review #44, by Anony_Mouse Shocking the Ministry

24th December 2006:
Aw! I feel so bad for everyone about Harry. Judging by your synopsis, I think he's dead, but we'll see. Can't wait for the next update!

Author's Response: Thank you. :) When I picked this story back up, neither Harry nor Ginny were pleased and wanted a different storyline.

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Review #45, by Anony_Mouse Tidings of Sorrow

16th December 2006:
Oooh, I love the plot! It's wonderful. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Author's Response: Thank you. I'm trying hard to make it intriguing.

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Review #46, by screaming_madman Deep Thoughts and Shadows

10th December 2006:
A very interesting chapter and an excellent read. I look forward to seeing where this will go.

Author's Response: Thank you.

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Review #47, by jedielfsorcerer An Unwelcome Visit

26th November 2006:
pretty good. keep adding to this.

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #48, by ILoveLost1888 An Unwelcome Visit

26th November 2006:
ok

Author's Response: Thank you!

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Review #49, by lolhee Deep Thoughts and Shadows

19th November 2006:
I love this chapter it is very good, and it has very good detail. keep writing.

Author's Response: Thank you.

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