hahaha siruis' floaty head!...yea sorry i am going to go read the story now. Report Review
Hehehe, I found that funny: Which boyfriend? All of them.
I think there is a mistake there when you say Charity’s a seventh year Ravenclaw and then you say she’s in the year below Lily.
Well, yeah, the makeover thing is exceptionally cliché. I won’t fault you on it tooo much because I think it’s likely Lily would try and look a bit prettier at some stage while she is a teenager.
This wasn’t a bad chapter and I think Charity seems like she’ll be an interesting character. Though I would advise that you don’t overload this story with characters: there are already so many and none of them have been fully developed or explored, so don’t try and go overboard with the ‘cast’.
Keep writing and good luck with this fic! ^^
Well, again I think that the structure of this chapter is very messy. Suddenly throwing in a ‘thoughts’ chapter doesn’t really work to me; it just breaks up the story.
There were some things I found a bit unrealistic in this chapter: Remus having grey hair already was a bit much. Betting a hundred galleons seemed over the top as well – I know neither Sirius nor James come from particularly poor families, but as far as I can remember Sirius should already have run away from home at this stage so I don’t think he’d be able to throw money about. Plus it seems a little excessive anyway.
The characterizations that you achieved here were good. You did manage to get inside the minds of the characters so that was something good that came of this style of chapter. You’ve provided an array of characters to enrich the story which is great.
Well, I found this chapter a bit messy. It just felt a bit…all over the place to me. You introduced a dozen characters in one go but then you didn’t really explain anything about them…you did it in the author’s note. Now, I have to say I found that very annoying. What’s the point in writing a story if you’re not going to fill it out with description and let the readers know everything important IN the actual story? It just seemed a bit odd to me. I also found it weird that you have Alice Longbottom and Luna’s mother all in the same year – since the Potters were very young when they had Harry, I find it a bit unconvincing that all these mothers happened to be in the same year and had kids at the same times as Lily. It was just a bit too far for my taste.
Having said that, this wasn’t a bad chapter or anything. The style remains energetic and your dialogue is good. You just need to work on description and character development through the story and not structured notes.
I’m going to review this as I read, hopefully this won’t be too annoying, hehe:
Okay, the first line seemed very messy to me. There was a comma in the wrong place and it just needs a bit of tweaking, although it’s actually a good intro to a story, just needs grammar work.
You say ‘bestest friend’ at one stage, which just doesn’t really work to me. It just seems a bit amateurish.
I really quite like the style you’ve written the beginning part in. It’s conversational. Maybe a little bit TOO conversational, but overall it works. The whole way it’s very personal to Lily and all and how it’s like we’re going to hear what ‘really’ happened, not just the glorified version. I liked that.
But then when you go into the second part, I think it somehow doesn’t fit with the first part. I am not a big fan of ‘omniscient third person’ style narratives, although I’ll admit they can be amazing if worked in the right way. It’s not exactly that you don’t work the whole switching POVs thing well, it’s actually not too bad, but it just doesn’t fit with the intro. It felt like we were going to get Lily’s story but suddenly we’re reading her friends thoughts and that makes me feel a bit like ‘if this is Lily’s story, how come she’s recounting her friends’ thoughts?’ I don’t know, it just didn’t feel right to me. To be compliant with the intro, this should really all be Lily POV, in my opinion.
Hmm, this appears to be a pretty AU fic, which also doesn’t really fit with the beginning. It seemed like it was still going to fit around canon, especially when Lily mentioned the things we know about her and James from canon, but then it becomes AU (since James doesn’t even know Lily’s name and they’re in sixth year – Snape’s worst memory happened in fifth year).
You say ‘gonna’ instead of ‘going to’ at one point, which, again, sounds a bit silly. The ending was really great though – ‘She slapped her’ – that made me giggle. Well deserved, as well.
Okay so overall this seemed … hmm, it wasn’t horribly clichéd for the most part, as the majority of L/J stories are, so well done on that. The main reason it wasn’t was because of how you portrayed Lily, which I must say is a bit AU, since we are always led to believe that she was very popular at Hogwarts and we certainly never see her wearing glasses. But it’s interesting and I like how it kind of shows that maybe all that was misconstrued because she became ‘cooler’ later on and because of the rose-tinted glasses people see the dead through. So kudos for that cause it’s quite refreshing. James was pretty well characterized in his brief appearance and though she doesn’t seem extremely deep or well developed as of yet, I liked Marcie and think she seems a realistic character. She certainly has potential and I think it’s good that a girl like her would be friends with someone like Lily, sort of to make herself look/feel even better about herself. I see a lot of people like that so that was cool to see that you wrote about that kind of friendship.
Anyway, sorry for such a sprawling, random review…hehe, and sorry this took so long to post (I’ve been on holiday for the past week). I will review the rest of the chapters asap. Keep writing! ^^
x Katie x
This story is pretty amusing... If it can hold my attention, it's definitley entertaining. :-) One thing though, I'm pretty sure that a hundred galleons *is* a lot of money... Report Review
Great chapter! One thing I saw- you said Charity was a seventh year, and right after that you said she was a year younger than Lily. Anyway...UPDATE SOON! Report Review
Love it! Report Review
I love the plot! You have a great story here! keep writing! Report Review
Great story so far! I absolutely love it! Report Review
Uhm, I've never been fond of stories with makeovers because such instances are so cliche, but I guess I'll let this pass. But I don't know if it really was necessary for the plot to continue.
Anyway, let me take this time to comment on your OCs. They're fabulous. I mean it. You really gave them life and character and they're all so different from each other. I love them; I think you've written them beautifully enough for your readers to be also interested in them (and not just in Lily).
:) Thanks for asking me to review! This was a fantastic read. :) Report Review
Fantastic idea to do this! I first didn't know what to expect, but I was pleasantly surprised. You did a terrific job of going inside everyone (well, almost everyone's) head, narrating the story as you went along. Again, amazing characterisation. :) You have a flair for writing. :) Report Review
Hi there. :) I like how this story has flowed so far; I thought the transition from one event to another was very well done. I also like your characters... the way they act and speak and feel sound realistic enough to me. I'm not too concerned about descriptions in this story because I think this is more of plot-oriented than character-oriented, although I think it might add zest to include imagery for a more vivid scene. Also, look over the punctuation marks again; some quotation marks and commas were misplaced, but I'm sure you would catch them. Er, I also don't know why you included two chapters in one? Haha. Anyway, it's fine.
By the way, I thought the whole setting or arrangement (Lily was in love with James first instead of vice versa) was very interesting. ;) Report Review
Hmmm.I'm not really sure about what I think of this story. I keep going from disliking it to liking it. I just don't know. It's written well, but the concept is a little boring. Good luck with the rest of your story though. I'm sure it'll turn out great! Report Review
Ok so one thing. No Peter kind of bugs me. He's not an idiot, so people should stop thinking that. He's his own person and he was a Marauder which means he was a good person at one time.
K, so with that said.I liked this chapter and then I didn't at the same time. It was clear when you switched POVs and things but it broke up the flow and I didn't really see the point of mushing it all together. You could've just done two sections: one with the scene in the library, one with the talk about the bet. But that's just my opinion. Report Review
K, so I liked this chapter a lot more. Actually I loved it. You've already changed my mind. Well, almost the whole way. Just as long as there's no more ranting from Lily on how she's not pretty then we'll be good. I love how there's a bet, although I still think James would know who Lily was. And I love that it goes from Marcie saying yes to James to Lily on top of Remus. Can't wait to see how this turns out. Report Review
Hmmm.I don't know. This sounds really cliche. No offense. The fact that Lily thinks she's totatlly ugly and everything is weird and the fact that James didn't even remember her name. I don't know. Maybe it's just me with my strong opinions on what happened but I don't think it would happen this way. Maybe in the next few chapters I'll change my mind. =) The writing itself is really good though. =) Report Review
Well, I am a bit bored with this. It's just so... un cannon. It's not really oyur story but... Maurder Era is't my favorite and such. Well, it's an intresting start but I just can't read it any more. Godd luck with this though:) Report Review
This chapter is about the same as the last. The end seemed to revolve around finding Charity a bit too much and could've just been a shorter thing with her meeting up with James afterwards. Otherwise its pretty good and I really think that this story would be an awesome one with some changes. 8/10
Magical Me13 Report Review
This was an o.k. chapter. How you showed the various povs wasn't the best way to do so. It would've made it much more interesting if you just showed the event from various povs but had the story keep going and their thoughts could be interwoven into the events. Otherwise its a pretty good chapter. 7/10
Magical Me13 Report Review
Another good chapter, I don't see any obvious problems. Although at points the dialogue was slightly confusing unless you were really paying close attention and thought it through. I agree with padfootblack's review on the last chapter about working the dialogue into the plot. The dialgoue doesn't help the story if it doesn't work with the plot. The two work against each other and cut up the story flow. Most of the story mechanics are fine so I'll give 8/10.
Magical Me13 Report Review
I'm going to review each chapter but I hope its alright if I don't have very long reviews. So I'll start with this is a really great story and all the mechanics are flawless. The description and character development is really enjoyable and nicely canon-like. Also a rule of thumb (in my opinion) is be cautious of bringing in ocs unless they are the main character. They should be brought in only when they serve a purpose and not to just be there and do absolutely nothing, but you really hit the purpose of a oc on the head. Marcie really helps the story to move and she really improves the story overall instead of having some random character go out with James. Great job 10/10
Magical Me13 Report Review
Okay, first of all, one thing that REALLY annoyed me, was how you described the characters in an author's note. Describing stuff is what fics are for! Do it IN the fic! That way you can flower up your writing and give your characters more depth. Characters who are described in large outside their story seem like actors, not real people, which completely defies the point of writing. I wouldn't add the descriptions intot he story in the same format as they're in now however, unless you were going to describe them in extreme detail, Little Women style. I'd add bits about them here and there within the story.
I thought that chapter with the characters' thoughts was really interesting and funny, and a great idea. I'd love to do something like that as a one-shot actually. However it just shows how you havn't added in much of the characters thoughts throughout the fic apart from that chapter. You should concentrate on Lily's thoughts the most of course, since she's the main character, and then what she thinks the others are thinking or whatever. It gives the characters alot more depth when you know how they feel and what they're thinking.
Also, you could do with a few more desciptive passages, a few flowery words here and there, just to fancy-up the fic.
I really liked your dialogue, it's very natural and believable and often-times funny, so good job on that.
The concept of the fic, I think, is a good idea. It's different. At the moment I really want to see what happens with Lily and James... but don't spoil it in the A/N! =P
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this, despite my criticism! Good jobAuthor's Response: thanks for reveiwing and i really appreciated your advice:) Report Review
OK, this is gonna be a tough one, but please remember its all just CC, trying to help you make this as good as Im sure it could be.
The plot behind the story is ok, but for one simple fact: Lily was not unpopular. As stated many times by Jo, she was a very popular and beautiful girl. And, quite frankly, I hate it when people show her otherwise. I know its just people trying to be "un-cliched" but it dosnt work: making Lily popular is just making the story canoon. So could I suggest you change it to where one of the other girls is the geeky one? Or where Lily is popular, but James just dosnt notice her (which is also quite uncanoon, since it is stated many times that James loved Lily from very early on, and we see in a flashback that as early as fith years the feelings are over there). Im sorry, I just really did not enjoy that.
Your descriptions are also lacking. When you write dialogue, try to make it blend into the writting. Tell us about the way the person talks, what that they sound like, the way they look as the words leave there mouth, what they feel as they speak and what the recepients feelings are. Try playing more with emotions and this would grow.
Also, I caught a few errors (Im not the best at grammar or spelling. so these could be wrong):
-Let’s get this straight. I’m not pretty and I most definitely, am not popular. In fact, I am what most people would call geeky, dorky, nerdy, okay so you get the point. I have no doubt that is wrong. Im not sure how you should write it, but there is something wrong there.
-She’s tall (5’7) and is perfect in everything that she does This really isnt an error, but we dont need her exact height.
-Marcie, unlike me, is popular with everyone and I still can’t believe how she happened to be my bestest friend ever. "Bestest" is not a word. Just say "...she happened to be my best friend...". It gets the point about.
So, I would just advice a beta and working on your descriptions. This could grow, and Im sure you have it in you to do just that.
padAuthor's Response: thanks for the review! my story's slightly AU so i guess i need to put that into my summary. and lily's wasn't...unpopular she has friend: marcie, kaleen, alice and madeline(later on, charity) but i guess i need to make that clear! and i know i have a lot of mistakes but am too lazy to go back and edit...the later chapters(i've finished the story already) will be much better! again, thanks! Report Review
OoooOooO... I’m so looking forward to the next chapter! :D You better update soon! This is such a great story, and I want to know what happens! Oh well. Anways, pretty please update??Author's Response: thanks for the lovely review! i'll post the 5th chapter as soon as i can, but i'm waiting for my other story to be validated first.
guess what though? i already finished this story and posted on another site! ;0 Report Review
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