oh my goodness.
that was beautiful and well written at the same time
there aren't many of those around here, by the way...
but you really captured reg's feelings toward sirius.
i always knew he envied him!
after reading it, and then your author's note, i have decided that it isn't really a relationship story. well, brotherhood if you count that. but it had no real central relationship going on. just liking someone from afar doesn't count. so i don't really think you should be worried about the relationship status.
it was a good way to end reglus's relationship with sirius. a heart felt, warm, gutt-spilling letter :)
hope this helpsAuthor's Response: Thank you! Hehe, deep down, I think that Regulus and Sirius were brothers. Alrighty, thanks for the reassurance about the relationship status. It was helpful, thansk for the review! Report Review
Hey, jadelynn here. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you! Given the time that you posted in my new thread AND in the old one. XD
Hmm. Personally, I've always been enchanted by Regulus and his reformation. I think you've provided a wonderful and very potent insight on the changes he experienced. I like your characterisation of him, and I really like that part about that girl. Nicely done.
As for your dilemma, I don't really see how the Sirius/OC fits in the story. I remember the minor reference to Sirius and the graduation ball, but somehow it doesn't serve as a strong basis for the start of a ship. I could definitely see the Regulus/OC working though, but I'm not sure how you can do it. You sort of already gave the conflict of your main plot in this chapter, unless the OC in the Regulus/OC fic is different from the girl you mentioned in this chapter...
To cut to the chase, my real suggestion is to leave it as a one-shot. It's great the way it is, but, of course, I don't know what other stuff you have planned, so I say go with what you want! :D This chapter is already great. Feel free to re-request if ever you update!Author's Response: No worries, RL always takes the front seat. ;)
No, it's the same girl, but yep, I think the story will definitely remain Regulus/OC. The only dilema left is whether to leave it as is, or to expand it a little to a two-shot. (I was thinking of the scene where he's dragged under the water by the Inferi, unconsciousness - drowning - seeing her smile again kind of concept.) But we'll see how it goes. ;) This story took on a life of its own and got away from me. But as for the time being, I think I'll leave it.
Thanks so much for the great feedback! Report Review
darker but you give it a whole twist on Regulus who I haven't seen many fics about. We never saw much of him in the books but you are definitely taking a risk with a minor character's POV and it is absolutely beautiful so far. I advise you to stick with Regulus's POV since you started with that to begin with but I'm not the author, you are. Here's what I'd suggest, in your next chapter (just a suggestion, don't need to take it) give your OC female character some depth because obviously she's mentioned for a reason. Talk about her in the next chapter. Give some flashbacks from Regulus's POV. If you are switching to Sirius/OC, then I strongly advise you to be careful. When switching POVs, you need to make sure the character doesn't sound the same as the last. You don't want your story to sound the same...
Another suggestion, use Regulus's pov as he sees Sirius and your OC together. What are his thoughts? What's he thinking about Sirius going out with her?
Just suggestions. Nothing you need to take if you don't want to.
lovely fic. Going on my faves. ;)
*thanks for reviewing my fic by the way :)Author's Response: Yes, I'm thinking that I'm probably going to stick with Regulus's POV, if I continue the story at all. The Sirius-thing just doesn't seem to work so well anymore; the story took on a life of its own and got away from me ;)
They're great suggestions! Unfortunately it might not apply anymore because I'm currently thinking of just leaving it, but the questions themselves might come in useful in the future.
Thanks for the feedback! and no problem, your story was lovely. :) Report Review
momoe from the forums, wiping tears from her eyes...
that was so sad! I can't believe they just killed her. I couldn't even imagine ending a life for the heck of it. Someone being so ignorant thinking that one life matters that much more than another.
You have some brilliant writing skills. I love the detail you wrote. You didn't choke us with little minute things, just gave us what we needed to know to get what was going on. You write with such emotion, such depth...it's something all writers should strive for.
-momoeAuthor's Response: *hands you a virtual tissue*
Totally. Every life matters.
Thank you so much for all the amazing praise ... I think you've just expanded my ego a little. Best of luck with the review fest! Report Review
Hi! Here from the forums as requested!
I'll do the problems that I found first:
'She stood up us, five Death Eaters in training.' - do you mean she stood UP to us?
'You dance three times with that one masked girl' - you need a d on the end of dance
'The next think I remember was a voice resounding loudly in my years' - I think this should be 'The next THING I remember was a voice resounding loudly in my EARS'
I really like this. We of course know Regulus betrayed Voldemort, but I love your idea that it was because of something as simple as a girl smiling. It shows how the simplest of actions can change everything.
I'm not sure if you're planning on working further on this, but for the record, I think it actually works wonderfully as a one-shot. Though, if you do continue on, you would obviously need to explain why this never made it to Sirius... that is of course you plan on AU and having it in fact reach Sirius's hands.
Either way, this is well written and I'm glad you asked me to review.
Pegasus1979Author's Response: Gahh, I can't believe there's so many typos! Oops... in my defense though, I recently got a new laptop and I'm still trying to get used to the keyboard. It's so shallow compared to regular desktop computer ones! But I'll get those ironed out soon.
I guess right now I'm pretty much ruling out the Sirius/OC path, because that might be a bit tricky. So it's either a one-shot or a two-shot of Regulus/OC, probably.
Thanks so much for the awesome feedback! Report Review
oh wow, this story is amazing!
it isn't cliched, and its a really good storyline.
keep up the good work,
x josie.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
This was a really nice piece. Putting what Regulus wanted to say in a letter to Sirius was a clever idea. Also, I liked how you didn't make the OC super beautiful that he was taken in with her beauty. Great job!Author's Response: Yep, didn't want to go down the cliched path of perfection for the OC. I'm glad you enjoyed the story, thanks for the review! Report Review
Hello frostedteardrops! This is LadyBookworm from the HPFF Forums. You have requested a review from me so here I am. :)
First of all, I would like to tell you that the title of this story is amazing. Very cachy ;). When I first read the title, I thought that this would be a Romance story. 'When She Smiled' sounded like a forbidden love story, the Romeo and Juliet 'star-crossed lovers' thing. Imagine me being pleasantely surprised when I realized that it wasn't, in fact, a love story. I would have loved it either way because I'm a sucker for Romance stories but this, this was something unusual, unique, a beautifully written letter, a confession. I loved every single word, every sentance, every paragraph. :) You've done an amazing job and I can't help but want to thank you for posting this amazing story in my review request thread over at HPFF.
Regulus Black - Where can I begin? He is my favorite character. Don't ask me why because I don't have an answer. I just do. From the very first time us readers played with the possibility of Regulus being R.A.B I fell in love with his character. I decided that he would be the perfect character to write a story about and DH only heightened my resolve to write a story about him. I still haven't gotten to it, though. :)
The idea of the letter is very creative and unique. We don't know all that much about Regulus so I can't exactly say if he was in character or out-of-character. I can, however, say that the letter sounded very realistic. I believe that everyone that has or will read this story will be able to relate to Regulus, feel his pain, sorrow, guilt and resentment. The reader will understand the true message of the letter, will understand that, while Regulus and Sirius didn't have the whole 'brotherly affection' thing going, they still cared for one another.
I didn't notice any grammer/spelling mistakes but maybe that's because I was much too absorbed in the story to pay attention to that. :D
All in all, I loved it. I'll favorite it and I'll definately keep an eye out for your other stories.
-LadyBookwormAuthor's Response: Unfortunately I can't take any credit for neither the title nor the banner. This was written for a banner/title challenge issued by xdaanana over at the forums, so both are of her creation. It's an awesome title, isn't it?
Really happy to hear that you enjoyed the story very mcuh; and of course it's great to hear that it was unique.
Regulus is indeed a very interesting character, isn't he? Even though he didn't figure prominantly into the books, there's so much to his character, so much depth that could be delved into. He's a mysterious guy, but a great one at heart. He did something very brave and courageous, destroying a Horcrux like that - and it must have been some really important factor that made him commit such an about-face regarding his loyalties. You should totally write a R.A.B. story sometime; best of luck with that!
Phew - it was believable! :) Even though sirius and regulus may not have seemed close, I agree that they were probably more similar than ever explicitly stated. I mean, eventually they ended up fighting on the same side, didn't they? And both paid the ultimate price.
Thank you so much for the FANTASTIC feedback! Report Review
This was such a beautiful and heart wrenching story. I absolutely loved that Regulus was inspired to change by the courage and goodness of a girl, whom he never even knew her name. I loved that you gave us some information about her, but it was all information that we got from Regulus' distant observations. He barely knew her and so did the reader. I thought she was such a brave and beautiful character and it was so sad that he didn't even know her name, but I loved that you kept it like that. I thought the use of the letter style was really nice touch. I also really loved that there were realistic reasons for why he had joined the Death Eaters and that he really regretted it. I really loved that he admired Sirius.
As for what you should do next, you could use both Sirius and Regulus' POV. Maybe Sirius gets the letter, but doesn't open it until after Regulus is killed. You could have parallel journeys of Regulus playing the double agent and Sirius realizing that his brother is not such a bad guy.
Now for the critique. I did find some mistakes and they are here:
1.) "I know you probably don't want waste any time reading anything assosciated with me..." I think you meant to write "...you probably don't want to waste any time...". Also "assosciated" should be spelled "associated".
2.) "Much as I destest myself, and I'm sure you detest me..." I think you meant to write "detest" instead of "destest".
3.) "She stood up us, five Death Eaters in training." You're missing the word "to" between "up" and "us".
4.) "Want to know why the lying bastard claimed he had killed, later on?" I think you meant to write "...claimed he had killed her..."
5.) "I can't tell you about it completely -- trust me, you'll be safter not knowing." I think you meant to write "safer" instead of "safter".
Besides these few mistakes, this chapter was really moving. I loved this unknown girl because she had everything against her (in a Death Eater's eyes): she was a Hufflepuff, she stood up to bullies, she was Muggle-born and she was poor. And yet she still stood up for what is right and was killed for it. I am going to add this story to my favorites and can't wait to see what you come up with!
eternalangelAuthor's Response: Wow, very detailed feedback (those are the best, aren't they? ;) I'm not completely sure, but I'm thinking of just letting the girl remain nameless. It seems more symbolic that way, doesn't it?
Phew - really good to know that the story was credible. I'd been a bit worried that it might seem illogical for him to feel so strongly about someone he didn't really know, but I'm glad it came across well. And of course it's awesome that my fan-explanation for Regulus's about-face in terms of loyalty made sense.
Thanks for the suggestion as to what'll happen next - originally I'd thought of maybe having it so that Sirius met her after falling through the veil; it's mentioned that they'd danced at the ball. But then I thought... wouldn't it be more dramatic and fitting if as Regulus was dragged into the water by the Inferi that he started having those drowning hallucinations and eventually saw her again? I don't know... decisions, decisions.
Oops! Thanks so much for pointing out all the spelling errors; I recently got a new laptop and the keyboard feels really different; keep missing letters and such.
Thanks for the AMAZING review! Report Review
Amazing! The writing was so flawless and the details were great. At first I thought it was going to be one of those stories where Regulus is all wimpy and is "bullied" into being a death eater. But yours was better than that, it showed how it was his fault, and it told of the bad things he did.
I love how you incorporated the girl- a nameless girl- into the story and let is change all of Reguluses's life. He loved her, and he tried to block out the memory of her death but that memory is what lead him to his death and his betraying of Voldemort. It was very powerful and moving.
I noted that you seemed pretty conscious about this story being really dark and at parts it is- they talk about beating a girl and attacking her. But it's also a light happy story because of her attitude towards it. They even each other out and it balances the whole story- a great combination of love and darkness, and of course it has a mixed ending of sadness over the death of Regulus and happiness that he has finally chosen his path.
Amazing again- 10/10
P.S I think this didn't show up the first time I reviewed- if it did sorry for putting it twice.Author's Response: As it turns out, it showed up twice. No worries though :)
I guess I just wanted to show the reasoning behind Regulus's actions - or well, a fan-imagined version - because it must have been something serious to make him change so much and go from being a Death Eater to destryoing a piece of Voldemort's soul.
Yeah, from the very beginning the girl never really had a character. It feels more open to interpretation this way, doesn't it?
I didn't go into too much explicit detail about the violence, and I'm really glad to hear that it all balanced out. Thanks so much for the great feedback! Report Review
Amazing! The writing was so flawlesss and the details were great. At first I thought it was going to be one of thoses stories where Regulus is all wimpy and is "bullied" into being a death eater. But yours, was better than that, it showed how it was his fault, and it told of the bad things he did.
I love how you incorperated the girl- a nameless girl- into the story and let is chane all of Reguluses's life. He loved her, and he tried to block out the memory of her death but that memory is what lead him to his death and his betraying of Voldemrt. It was very powerful and moving.
I noted that you seemed pretty consicious about this story being really dark and at parts it is- they talk about beating a girl and attacking her. But it's also a light happy story because of her attitude towards it. They even each other out and it balences the whole story- a great combination of love and darkness, and of course it has a mixed ending of saddness over the death of Regulus and happiness that he has finally choosen his path.
Amzing again- 10/10Author's Response: I guess I just wanted to show the reasoning behind Regulus's actions - or well, a fan-imagined version - because it must have been something serious to make him change so much and go from being a Death Eater to destryoing a piece of Voldemort's soul.
Yeah, from the very beginning the girl never really had a character. It feels more open to interpretation this way, doesn't it?
I didn't go into too much explicit detail about the violence, and I'm really glad to hear that it all balanced out. Thanks so much for the great feedback!
this is the most beautiful story ever!
you are such a talented writer - i am about to go see what else you've written.
i nearly cried - its pathetic, i know but you showed everything so . well bloody fantastically.
thanxAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you! That's mighty high praise and I don't know if [the story] manages to live up to it, but it's a great ego-booster ;)
Don't worry, crying's not pathetic. I've cried a couple times during really sad movies or books. Thanks for the awesome review! Report Review
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