Reading Reviews for After We Fall
55 Reviews Found

Review #26, by pennyardelle Chapter Two

19th September 2012:
Hi A_Wiz! So, I decided to review chapter two, since you mentioned that the first chapter has more feedback than the rest. I thought it might be useful to you to get some comments on this chapter. :)

Up front, I should say that I don't have many criticisms to make. Your writing is, as I expected, wonderful. It's rich in description--I loved the part where Scorpius recognizes Lily, and you describe her hood falling back and her red hair tumbling out into the wind. The only things I have to suggest are kind of nitpicky, so this review may not be all that useful to you!

First, I noticed two (yes, just two) small errors, which are probably typos. When you said "the face reflecting back at him", I think it would sound better to say "the face reflected back at him". Also, at one point, you wrote "month" instead of "months".

(I know--ground-breaking feedback so far. :P)

There were also some sentence constructions that I thought could be improved. Near the beginning, you described "the Manor to have a coldness", and it sounded a bit awkward to my ears. Something like, "Scorpius found that the Manor had a coldness..." would sound more natural to me. There was also a sentence that read "a blast of sea air that was surprisingly chilly despite the fact that it was the middle of summer." That reads as a bit redundant to me--a breeze would be surprisingly chilly not despite the fact that it was summer, but because it was summer. If that makes sense.

That's really the extent of criticism/suggestions I have on this chapter. It was just that great! I especially liked the way you planted some intrigue at different points--Scorpius talking about how something was off about his grandmother's death, and the oblique references to Scorpius and Lily's past relationship. One thing that occurs to me as I'm sitting here writing this is that maybe you could have pulled back the curtain a little more, if only just on Scorpius and Lily's past. The prologue has already injected a lot of mystery, and while you definitely don't want to give away too much too soon, I think you can run the risk of withholding too much. It's hard to say without reading further chapters, though, and overall, I thought you managed to strike a pretty good balance.

By the way, thank you for writing a realistic confrontation. I don't know why, but well-written arguments between characters seem to be very elusive. Yours came off as completely natural and not at all just arguing-for-arguing's-sake.

All right--if you were looking for harsh criticism, I suppose this review wasn't all that helpful. :P In my defense, there really isn't much to criticize! Really well-written (both this chapter and the prologue), and I'm captivated by the story.

Author's Response: Yea, penny! Thank you so much for this lovely review. It's awfully hard to be disappointed in a lack of harsh comments when you say it's because you liked the chapter. You're such a gifted writer, so that really means a lot.

First off, I will definitely hunt down those typos and fix them. I don't have anyone beta-reading this so I appreciate you pointing them out. As for the oddly-worded sentences, I see exactly what you mean. I have a hard time not writing in an overly formal tone when I'm doing narration. I've been playing around with first-person to try and get a feel for a more conversational sentence structure but I'll keep an eye out for that -- and the use of the word "that." There were a lot of "thats" in the second sentence you pointed out. Yikes!

I can see your point with there being a little too much vaugness about Scorpius and Lily's past relationship. My very unprofessional defense is that I didn't really know what their past was when I started this story. I knew they had one and that it ended badly but it took me a long time to figure out what two people so young could have realistically gone through in order to cause such a rift. Maybe now that I know, I should go back and add a bit more into the earlier chapters.

And you are very welcome :P I'm glad you found the argument to ring true to life. I didn't want them to be overly mature in the way they handle themselves, keeping in mind their ages, but I didn't want it to be a teenage angst-fest either. I'm glad you liked it!

Thank you so much for taking a look at my story. I always feel a *little* less guilty about asking other staffers for reviews (even though I should feel more guilty knowing how busy you all are). At least I know you all won't be nice just so I don't delete all your stories. I hope you don't mind if I hit your review thread up again sometime (if you decide to keep it open). Thanks again for all your comments!

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Review #27, by onestop_hpfan18 Chapter Two

17th September 2012:
I really liked this chapter, too. You write Scorpius so well and it's clear that there is plenty we're kept in the dark by what's going on inside of his mind. I'm curious what Scorpius is hiding, or shutting up inside of himself by refusing to acknowledge is feelings.

The description in this chapter was so rich that it went really well with the narration. It seemed to hold a classic feel to it, like a Jane Austen or Charlotte Bronte novel. It was refreshing, quite different from the majority of Next Generation stories on the site. I'm definitely intrigued how the characters all are related to the plot together that has so far been introduced (Lorcan, Lily, Scorpius...). I didn't read the summary (I usually don't... I just start reading without any thought because I like to be surprised) so I'm completely in the dark as I watch a little bit of light being shed yet still keep things relatively unknown. There's an almost eerie feel to the writing, like something is lurking in the shadows that might necessarily not have a form but is still there, waiting, in each of your descriptions (the edge of the cliff, the window, the old house, etc.). Anyway, excellent chapter, I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter now.

Author's Response: Hurray! I'm so glad you liked this chapter. It used to be two chapters but I cut a whole bunch out and squashed them together. You might be the first person to read it in its edited form :)

I'm so pleased you found the chapter to be eerie. I wouldn't say creating atmosphere is my greatest strength as a writer but that feeling that something more is lurking is exactly what I was going for. Same with Scorpius; something unseen is lurking in him too. I'm also glad you are finding this to a different sort of next-gen. It's may favorite era to write because you get so much freedom with the characters.

Thank you for another lovely review. I hope that if you keep reading, you continue to enjoy!

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Review #28, by onestop_hpfan18 Chapter One: Prologue

16th September 2012:
Oh. My. Merlin. This was just a gripping prologue... it had me enthralled from the beginning and Lorcan being pulled by the man he had been watching for so suddenly that it had caught him completely off guard, frightening him, really was unexpected and had me sitting at the edge of my seat the whole time.

I thought you wrote from the mind of a ten-year-old boy quite well and I can remember spying on my own neighbors with my cousins and sister when we were younger, too. You really did Lorcan's character justice by really showing what was going on inside his mind as well as what he was seeing and experiencing at the same time; this prologue was very well paced and gripping throughout the whole thing. I'm definitely glad we were paired up for the review exchange because I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the chapters that are posted for this story. 10/10

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed the first chapter. This was my first attempt at writing from a child's POV. I'm so glad his voice rung true to you (and I totally used to play spy as a kid too!). I'm glad you found the pacing to be okay too. The story has a bit of a slow set-up so I really wanted a fast-moving, action-y opening. I hope I hit close to the mark.

I'm glad we got paired up too! I'm planning on getting to your reviews this weekend. I love next-gen so I'm super excited to start reading your story!

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Review #29, by ravenclawriot Chapter Nine

26th August 2012:
I'm so glad you updated this story! It's still really gripping, so I hope you keep writing it. I'll certainly be reading.

Author's Response: Thank you! Now that I've got going on it again, I'm excited to keep at it. I'll try and update again soon.

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Review #30, by KM Chapter Nine

23rd August 2012:
OHHH...Lovely story so far. I really do hope this update means you won't abandon this!

Author's Response: Thanks, KM. Nope, no plans to abandon the story. I hope to post another chapter in the next few weeks.

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Review #31, by Littlebittprettyone Chapter Nine

20th August 2012:
OMG this is so thrilling!! I just read it for the first time and I COULD NOT leave my computer for a minute. I'm a huge fan of Scorpius and Lily and I love the adventure and mystery involved in this story! Please, please, please keep updating!!!

Author's Response: Wow, thank you. It's always great to meet other Scorpius/Lily fans. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. I'll try and update again soon!

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Review #32, by forsakenphoenix Chapter One: Prologue

18th March 2012:
This is an excellent prologue. The description is fantastic and everything flows so wonderfully, it's hard not to get caught up and lose track of time as one is reading. You've certainly opened up a lot of questions with this prologue and it only makes me want to continue to read, to find out what happens next.

Lorcan is perfect here, every bit an eager 10-year-old boy desperate for adventure. The little bit about the Tooth Fairy and wanting to make his brother jealous really reiterated how young he is. But despite him reconfirming his age to Snape, this prologue really reads from that of a 10 year old's POV. So well done.

I love how Lorcan hides behind the shrubbery, for five galleons, which seems like a lot for someone his age. So caught up in his excitement, I felt nothing but dread and anticipation with the line about how he didn't notice the window open. And I definitely NEVER saw it being, what a surprise!

This is just so good, and I hope I can continue reading soon. I'm desperate to find out what happens next, why Lily wanted to know if Snape was alive and how Snape is alive!

I wish I could have written you a longer review, but I'm not qute sure what else to say. Just...well done. :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much. All reviews are good reviews no matter the length in my opinion :) I'm glad you liked the characterization of Lorcan. I was afraid I depicted him as too young. I wanted to find just the right age - old enough to venture out on his own but young enough not to realize what kind of trouble he might find himself in. Hopefully I wasn't too far off the mark. And I'm go glad Snape was a surprise. A few people said they guessed ahead of time, but I'm hoping that's partly because he's on the banner! Thanks again for the review.

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Review #33, by Cassius Alcinder Chapter One: Prologue

10th March 2012:
This was a very interesting opening. Lorcan's characterization was particualrly strong and very fitting for a 10 year old boy and the perspective he would have. Specifically the way he though of everything as an adventure and had an inflated view of his own skills as a spy.

The descriptions were very well done, and we could get a sense of the nervous tension of waiting by the window and then being intruded upon.

And of course, the last line was a huge revelation and a great cliffhanger. Great start so far!

Author's Response: Thank you. Not sure what it says about me that I seem to write well from the perspective of a ten year old, but I certainly appreciate the feedback :)

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Review #34, by LilyFire Chapter One: Prologue

25th February 2012:
Snape? But...he's dead...but...

I think that is an interesting concept. Why did Lily want to know if that was Snape? So many questions are running through my head right now. I don't know whay to say, other than this is a great first chapter to what is probably a great story!

Author's Response: Thank you! It's my first time writing a true mystery and I'm glad the first chapter worked well in setting up lots of "questions." Thanks for the review.

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Review #35, by Houlestar Chapter Eight

17th January 2012:
Okay, I've read it, and I love it, and I want you to update it ASAP.

Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it. I'm just trying to figure out how to end chapter nine and then it will be good to go. Thanks for taking a second look at the story.

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Review #36, by Houlestar Chapter One: Prologue

15th January 2012:
I decided it was about time to check out the revised version of the story.

Author's Response: Great! I hope you find it much improved :)

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Review #37, by sophie_hatter Chapter Eight

22nd December 2011:
Ah! I do love a party! Luna's party for Lily was a treat. Very Luna, and a lot of fun. Not sure I like her being 'Aunt' Luna though:-). I thought there was some very nice touches: Ron and Hermione's very in-character interchange on the subject of Barnaby, and James's dreadful girlfriend were fab. The twins were really cute. I loved their relationship, and their big plans.

I thought you dropped two really good bombshells in the chapter, in Scorpius's arrest and Lily's location of Snape. I really like the explanation of the watch as a compass, although I hope you explain how this works further down the line!

If I had one small criticism to offer, I did feel that perhaps Ginny came across as a tiny bit harsh during the confrontation with her daughter. But only a tiny bit!

One small typo that I spotted: 'The reaming adults had moved into the back garden' should be 'the *remaining* adults'

Author's Response: Well, I finally finished cleaning up the chapters (I hope) and once again, thank you for your reviews along the way. The were very helpful. I took your note about the "aunt luna" bit and removed the reference. There are actually plenty of real aunts and uncles in the chapter now that I take another look at it. There is a lot more information down the road about the watch and why it does what it does, but I'm glad you liked its inclusion thus far. As to Ginny's attitude, I agree she was out of line. Though like the watch, I do have bigger plans for her, which will explain her attitude. Hopefully, in the mean time, she comes off as more of an overbearing mother than actually out of character.

Thanks again for all your reviews. I haven't forgotten about your story either and will be returning the favor and hopefully updating this story soon!

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Review #38, by sophie_hatter Chapter Seven

22nd December 2011:
Well! After the bombshell on which we closed the last chapter, I loved the way you started this one. The description of the watch was lovely, so vivid I could see it - and the idea of the ticking just creepy enough:-)

The description of Lily's increasing anger when Scorpius stands her up is lovely. You showed us her changing emotion very nicely, and you continued this through to Lily's growing confusion regarding the events that are taking over her life.

The section with Scorpius and Lily at the Potter house is intriguing. You are spinning out little hints and clues at just the right rate. I'm glad that Lily told him to get stuffed when he suggested that she spy on her father - her reaction to this was just right, and explained my one issue with the chapter - why Scorpius would even go there when Harry is stalking his family.

Your closing section with Albus and Lily was also brilliant. I thought that you write the half-heard conversion very cleverly. And I loved the closing line!

Some picky things to finish - we would say 'quarter to twelve' rather than 'quarter-till twelve'

'They weren't even Hogwarts age yet, where they' should be '*were* they'

'I was on by way back from the bathroom' should be '...on *my* way back...'

And a super-picky one for you. The story is set in London, in summer. You described the final conversation happening just after 4 am as being hours before the sun would come up. But we have really long days here in high summer - sunrise is about 4:30. Sorry! I'm such a geek!:-)

Author's Response: Starting off with the mistakes, I think I got them all fixed. That was a good note about the sun. Of course it would rise early in the summer. A big DUH! on me. As to the rest, it's funny you always seem to pick up on things I've either cut or added later. The watch was a late add, and the point about why Scorpius would come to the house is a keen one. Him coming to her for help at night was a scene stolen from my old story when Harry wasn't following the family. If he hadn't wanted her to spy for him, you're right, that would have been a big hole in the scene.

I'm extra excited that you liked the last scene of the chapter. I'm inclined to think that was the best I've written thus far. Not *great* of course, just my best showing.

Thanks again for the R & R. You always have such helpful comments!

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Review #39, by sophie_hatter Chapter Six

22nd December 2011:
Great start to this chapter - the decision to write about Lily's telling off from her parents in abstract was a good one. It carried the story forward without dwelling. And I thought it was brilliant to have Albus neglect to change his shirt - very 'teenage boy!'

The incident with the potions was nicely realised. I like the feeling that Grimmauld Place is fighting back. And I loved Lily's revenge on Al with her smelly clothes.

I *think* you might have edited the section with the pumpkin juice prank since I first read this chapter, and it does work much better for your edits. If you haven't, I have no idea what story I'm thinking about!

The section with Lily in the locked room was fascinating - I love how the mystery is unravelling. I do hope we find out why the room revealed itself to Lily at this time, though.

I saw from your note you were worried about the length of this chapter. I don't think you should be at all! I felt it read well from start to finish, and there was plenty of content to engage the reader. But then, my chapters always seem to come out this long, so maybe I'm biased:-)

And finally, one tiny bit of Britpicking - Trash bin should be rubbish bin.

Author's Response: I'm so glad you mentioned that the opening worked well. I did actually write out the whole argument but decided to cut it in the end. I thought it was important to keep pushing the time line forward as the story doesn't move particularly fast chapter to chapter. And I did edit the bit with the juice, though I've edited each chapter so much now I can't remember how many versions I actually posted. If you did read an older version, I'm certainly glad this one is better! As to the room, I have in my head that *everything* ties together in the end...assuming I can actually get to writing again!

Thanks again for the review. I've gone ahead and fixed the trash/rubbish bit.

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Review #40, by sophie_hatter Chapter Five

22nd December 2011:
Hello! I'm back as promised, sorry for the break in transmission.

This is another great chapter. The interaction between Lily and Al that opens the chapter plays out very well., and I absolutely loved the description of Scorpius's letter, including the magic that guided Lily to him. It was beautifully described.

I also enjoyed Scorpius and Lily in this chapter. The layers of complexity you've given their relationship are slowly being peeled back, and the spikiness between them that can't quite hide their affection is excellent. Lily's uncertainty about him, and about her own feelings also comes through well.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this. I just picked up one little typo: 'which was a lot more complicated than Lily would of thought' should be '...than Lily would *have* thought.'

Author's Response: First off, sorry for taking so long to reply. I've been neglecting my account page a bit over the past few weeks. Second, thanks for pointing out the typo. I've gone ahead and fixed it. That all said, thank you for another thoughtful review. I'm so glad you liked the bit with the letter. I went back and forth on it for a long time. I'm also glad to hear their relationship is unfolding well. It's meant to be layered (with their checkered past) but also at the same time, it's just two teenagers who really like each other.

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Review #41, by blackangelwings Chapter Eight

8th December 2011:
Question: Has Narcissa Malfoy been killed by Sectumsempra? Because, due to Scorpius talking about the blood, and the whole thing with Snape, it makes sense.

Obviously, I know you won't tell me if my theory is true, but I just wanted to ask, as I've been sitting on it for a while now.

But anyway, I love this! It's so well written, and it has a great plot!

I don't normally read Next Gen. ones, but this, I love!

Can't wait for the next chapter!


Author's Response: Thanks, blackangelwings! I am really glad you are enjoying the story. I'm already working hard on the next chapter. As to Sectumsempra, it's a great guess, but I honestly haven't fully worked out how she died yet. Why and at whose hands I've got all worked out...but the manner of death is still a bit of a work in progress :)

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Review #42, by ravenclawriot Chapter Six

7th December 2011:
...and that Rose/Scorp thing was totally a typo on my part. There is sooo much of that on this site and so little Lily/Scorp that I went on autopilot and slipped. Oops!

Author's Response: LOL, okay, Lily/Scop I can do! They will have at least one "romantic" scene...I'm thinking within the next three chapters or so.

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Review #43, by sophie_hatter Chapter Four

7th December 2011:
I get happier and happier with each chapter, as you seem to introduce yet another of my favourite characters - and here in chapter 4 we have Ginny, who is my #1 favourite female character. I like the way you've written her here as an adult. She gets a lot more to do than usual in next gen fics, which is good to see.

Overall, I particularly liked this chapter, because of the interplay between Albus and Lily - as I said before, they really do read like siblings from a close knit family should, and also the mystery elements coming back in with the locked door. Curiouser and curiouser!

If I can offer a bit of constructive criticism about this chapter, though, the structure in the opening section is a bit off. We have a conversation between Albus, Ginny and Lily that should be a few days after Lily has visited Scorpius, then some time passing as Lily roams the neighbourhood, then the kids packed off to Grimmauld Place, specified as three days after Lily as met Scorpius. It felt a little muddled up to me. I think a few minor edits and possible a section break in there somewhere would fix it easily enough, though.

That said, I love the idea of packing them off to Grimmauld Place - I think it's a great location, and you describe it very well.

This chapter's britpick items are: 'trousers' rather than 'slacks', 'terraces' rather than 'row homes' and 'bath' not 'bathtub'

Also, I spotted a few of typos - it should be 'unliveable', not 'unlivable' 'a while' instead of 'awhile' and 'tear' rather than 'tare'

Author's Response: Firstly, can I just say, thank you for all your reviews? It was so nice to wake up this morning and see my review count nearly doubled. Even if you don't get the chance to read anymore of the story, I really appreciate the comments. I think you may have even posted recently in my review thread and I promise this week to return the favor.

That out of the way, I will definitely take another look at the opening of the chapter. I reworked this one, removing a scene, and I guess I didn't stitch the remaining bits together as well as I hoped. Thanks for mentioning it. I'll fix that, the typos and the 'britpicks' asap. Thank you again for all the R&R!!

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Review #44, by sophie_hatter Chapter Three

7th December 2011:
Ah! I really do love this story, you know?

I'm particularly happy that you've given a central role to Lily. I think she's really underwritten, everyone always seems to go for Rose instead. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that, it's just that it's nice to see poor, neglected Lily getting some attention:-)

I also like what you've done with Albus - it's good to see him as something other than a bookworm. And you have the brother/sister dynamic working very well too. The 'you drive me mad, but I really do care' aspect is done nicely, and is very familiar!

Some more britpicking (again, not sure if you mind, let me know via reply if you don't want this stuff, no offence taken:-)) - 'bad shoulder' not 'bum shoulder', 'what's going on', not 'what gives', 'post' not 'mail', 'Grandma a bit' instead of 'Grand some',

Author's Response: I'm so glad you are continuing to like the story. I must say, I rather like your reviews! It's surprising to me more people don't write Lily. The only Potter girl - you would think people would love it. Ah, well. I am glad you like the Lily/Albus dynamic. I worry it's a bit much, as I don't have any brothers, but I would assume siblings that close in age are apt to bicker.

As to the word/phrase corrections, I'm fixing them as you post them. I really appreciate you making note of them. Thanks again!

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Review #45, by sophie_hatter Chapter Two

7th December 2011:
Ah, Scorpius! I love Scorpius! And I loved him here as much as ever. Your descriptive work of his childhood in retrospect was clever and very evocative. The section regarding his mother's death was beautifully done - understated, but all the more touching for that.

I think the middle section, scattering the ashes, was my favourite. Again, the descriptive imagery was very strong. You had some lovely phrases, and I could almost feel the wind in my own cheeks as they neared the summit.

And finally, we have Lilly's arrival - a very interesting place to end, leaving me wanting to move straight to the next chapter. Exactly as it should be:-)

Author's Response: Thanks again, sophie. I've gone back and forth on whether or not to cut out all the back story in this chapter and just combine it with chapter two. The whole climbing up the cliff/releasing the ashes was all an add on when I started re-writing. I'm glad it reads well, even if I fear this chapter is a little short on action. Thanks again for the comments. I've really grown to love Scorpius as well.

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Review #46, by sophie_hatter Chapter One: Prologue

7th December 2011:
I didn't see this story before you picked it up again for NaNo - but I'm so glad that you did, and that you've made a project of it, because I think it's great.

I saw that you were hoping for some reviews, so I thought the least I could do was help out - everyone likes a bit of encouragement, right?

I really enjoyed the prologue - Lorcan felt real, and very much in character for an earnest ten year old. I particularly liked the early description of him crouching in the shrubbery. It put me right in the think of the story from the outset. I also thought the anecdote about his teeth was very well judged to set the age and character.

And finally, I thought the last line was genius - I hadn't guessed at all who it was:-)

I did spot one tiny typo: When the attacker realises he has only a small child in front of him, his voice should have the hint of 'disappointment', not 'disappoint'.

Author's Response: First, thanks for pointing out the typo. I've fixed it up already. I never can seem to spot them all. Second, thank you so much for taking the time to look at the story. It's true, even staffers get sad to see too many zeros next to their review counts :P I'm really glad you thought Lorcan came off well. I was afraid of writing him too young. I'm also glad you liked the teeth line. It was a last minute add before posting. Thank you again for the R&R. Every review is greatly appreciated!

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Review #47, by ColiePhoenix Chapter Seven

5th December 2011:
You're doing a really good job of building up the mystery and suspense- I can't wait to see everything come together! Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you!!

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Review #48, by ravenclawriot Chapter Seven

5th December 2011:
This has to be some of the best writing, and plotting, I've seen on HPFF. Who done it? My money isn't on Draco or Lucius, but maybe someone else going after death-eaters-gone-good. And they're going after Snape, too. Or maybe I'm entirely wrong. That said, the mark of a great mystery is the urge to guess!

Can't wait for the next chapter! I'm a terrible romantic though, so I'm hoping for a cute Rose/Scorp moment soon. I know, that has nothing to do with literary integrity. ha ha

Author's Response: Thank you so much for another review. It really means a lot to get such nice feedback. I won't say you're wrong on your guesses, but there are still some big surprises to come! Rose/Scorp, huh? I actually just cut a scene with Rose in it. I'll see if I can't get them both in at least the same room at some point. Thanks again!!

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Review #49, by June Knight Chapter One: Prologue

4th December 2011:
I don't know why, but I found this very cute and well written. I love th way that you hav portrayed Lorcan and I really feel that you didn't need to put his age in there as there was such imaginative description.

This is well thought out an I commend you for doing NaNoWriMo because I wrote around 10, 000 words and gave up hope.

I loved how Severus was in this story and Lily madeLorcan go and visit him in secret.

A charming chapter and a grea read so far. Keep it up

Author's Response: Thanks, June. You're the second person who mentioned not needing the age. Maybe I should take it out. And hey, there is always next year for trying NaNo again. 10k is still a lot. This is the first time in a long time I actually finished. Thanks for the review!

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Review #50, by Jakumo1 Chapter Four

28th November 2011:
What happens next? I wanna know! :-3

Author's Response: I hope to have the next chapter up in a day or two...and Scorpius will make his return. Thanks for the R&R :)

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