Reading Reviews for Everto Trucido
146 Reviews Found

Review #26, by GingeredTea Amends and Negligence

18th January 2014:
This was a cool chapter. I really appreciated the way you show Grace becoming more... erm graceful.

Your flow and characterizations were really well done here and I liked the way you wrote Severus.

Remus seems to be warming up to her again, yeah? I'm interested in where this will be going. :)

Author's Response: Hey there!

Ah, thanks! I'm trying to be careful with Severus' characterization, he's a tough one sometimes.

Yeah! Going several places -_-...several places.

Thanks so much!


 Report Review

Review #27, by Lululuna Defining Right and Wrong; Butterflies

17th January 2014:
Hello! :)

Wow, that escalated quickly! I love all the relationship and teenage soul-mate confusion and angst going around here between all of the characters. I actually really like Remus and Grace together: they're in that honeymoon-stage where they just can't keep their hands off each other and it's very cute and endearing. You write romance really well as well as all the intense action scenes and wacky Grace moments! :D

Haha, it makes me laugh/cringe to think of the marauders watching Grace and Remus' dots on the map and plotting their intervention. The map is rather creepy when you think about it. If I was a parent I'd keep it for myself and keep tabs on what my kid was up to at school- though admittedly sometimes it's better not to know! I'm sure James might be feeling that way a little now.

It's a little sad how reluctant Severus is to get to know Grace, and how infatuated he is with Lily instead. Even that in order to hang out with Grace, he needs to be bribed with getting to see Lily. It just makes all the unrequited love and soul mates so confusing! Though to be fair, considering the fact that Severus did change his whole life for the sake of Lily's memory it makes sense that he would still be very much smitten here.

"I'm not in love with Severus. We're soul mates." Yes, Grace, that makes a lot of sense. But it's not her fault, I blame the Trucido tradition and Death. Hey, is Grace ever going to bring back all the old Trucidos from the grave and rant at them for leaving her without any aid or other descendants to face the perils of decapitating vampires and facing off smouldering teenage boys on her own? Because she should. :P

This was a really entertaining and sweet chapter! I wish I could be more interesting with this review but I've mostly just been rambling and giggling - I'm sorry. :( It's your fault for writing such engaging characters and putting them in these crazy situations! :)

Ah, only one more chapter until I'm caught up with this story! I'm excited to start on your other stories as well! :)

Author's Response: Hello!

I'm doing something ;). Somewhere along the line, tension built between Remus and Grace. So, get it out, get it over with! They need some conflict anyway, because I need to work on some other character building elements and Remus is getting in the way ;). And, of course, teenage hormones :D...-_- writing the teenage years is killing me. I can't wait until they are over.

Hahah... I'm sure James was averse to watching Remus and Grace dots on the map. Speaking of the map, nobody (Fred and George) didn't notice that Peter Pettigrew was in Ron's bed every night? Just saying. :p.

Lily...the bane of my Snape/Oc writing :D. Lily's good people, so I can't hate on her just for that, and neither can Grace (because I said so). It definitely causes their relationship to be tough to develop at all, but I've got some mad tricks up my sleeve. (Mad tricks...Rumpel's clearly overtired.)

If given the opportunity, I'm sure Grace would love to do that. Poor confused teenage Grace.

Sorry for putting my characters in situations :), but your review was lovely! Thank you!

Rumpel needs to update, this next chapter is fighting with me a little (well, one scene anyway). ;)


 Report Review

Review #28, by Lululuna Argumentative

16th January 2014:
Hello! :)

I'm actually so excited for Grace to go home and meet her parents. It's so surreal that she shares them with James, even if he's the one who was raised by them, and I really hope that she'll get the chance to speak with them and for both parties to get answers from each other. It's quite sad how uninvolved they were in one another's lives. I was also wondering, since Grace can see the future and the Potter parents (I think) die sometime before James and Lily do, wouldn't she want to meet them before their inevitable fate? Or maybe she doesn't know their fates, I'm not sure.

I actually quite like Peter, and I'm glad you're including him and making him an important and entertaining character. I like how sassy he and Grace are, and how she just really doesn't trust him. It's nice to see Peter as a fully participating prankster.

I don't really know what to think about Remus and Grace at the moment. I'm actually quite on Remus' side when he gets angry, because Grace is giving him mixed signals and being rather unfair. It's like she doesn't realize that touching and having intimate moments can mean as much as a kiss. They're clearly very physically comfortable and drawn to one another, but it's hard to see where the relationship is going for Remus and I can see how that's frustrating. I really liked when he was raging about her following what her book says to do about love: the line about the book telling her to snog Snape especially made me laugh.

So did the foreshadowing about Tonks! I loved how she kept bringing it up and Remus was just SO confused. "I don't know anybody with pink hair..." Well don't worry Remus, you will! The whole destiny and soulmate thing is just too complicated, I would probably want to rebel against it if I were involved. Sometimes it's just better to not know. But I'm quite glad Remus reamed Grace out: as much as I adore her, she did deserve it.

Lily as a klepto is quite funny. She really is quite quirky! I laughed when James didn't know who Grace was talking about when she mentioned Lily: I guess he can be a little slow sometimes. :P

Great chapter! I'm really looking forward to the holiday visit, I hope it all happens! :D

Author's Response: Okay, I think I've caught up with responding to your reviews!!

Grace needs to meet her parents, with the majority of her existence being kept away from them. I'm looking forward to writing that, very much. Grace doesn't know her parents fates, yet, as they haven't fit into her timeline of knowledge. I'm pretty sure that they die before Lily and James, as well.

I'm glad that you like Peter. He's quite fun during one-on-one conversations with Grace.

Oh the little bit of drama. Over the next few chapters, I've given a go at trying to write in-character to teenagers. -_- I hate writing teenagers, as it turns out, but there's a reason to my madness, so bear with me.

Grace is given mixed signals, Remus is confused, Grace is confused, madness ensues. I agree with Remus having justification for his frustrations, poor guy. This is where I begin to do something, so that something else can happen, for the benefit of something else. That's very vague, but I can't exactly come out and say it without giving everything away :D. Remus is blaming the book for her mixed signals, mostly. I'm glad it made you laugh.

She absolutely did deserve it, and you're totally allowed to be on Remus' side through the next several chapters, though I hope you see Grace's side. Tonks! I love Tonks, and it's hard to keep her out of the story, even when she won't be around for quite some time!

As I read reviews, I sometimes look back through the chapter to reread certain scenes. I have to apologize for the grammar upfront, *cough* apparently rereading it before I submitted it did absolutely nothing for the grammar situation. I'll have to edit, so sorry for having to read through all of that. "Grace felt regrettable" -- oh boy.

I've been trying to bring depth to Lily's character. How she became a repeat book-theif, well, that just happened, and I'm not entirely sure why, but it is entertaining. James can be a little slow sometimes :D!

Thanks so much, sorry again about the grammar issues ;).


 Report Review

Review #29, by kenpo A Rat in the Kitchens

16th January 2014:
You're probably getting sick of my random reviews, but I like writing them and this story lends itself so well to them. SO HERE GOES.

Albus is falling? Albus is dying, right?
It'd be so horrible to know how everyone is gonna die... and when.

Fried tomatoes sound fantastic right now. A Full English sounds so good right now... ugh sausage and bacon and baked beans... by the end of this review I might take a break to make some eggs.

James is eating eggs. Would he mind if I eat them instead? I don't even care if they're from the 70s (80s?). Grace can revive them or something.

I bet Grace is going to rock potions. Or be terrible. One or the other. No middle ground.

Grace and Severus. I'm really curious to see what happens with that. Really really curious.

I just texted my dad to tell him that he should make me a full English. If he responds by the end of the review I'll let you know.

"You know..." Grace began,
need a comma?

I love that she doesn't know what a Chaser is. I can't even imagine Peter on a broom. Poor fellow.

My dad responded "sausage beans mushrooms bacon eggs fried bread blood pudding - let's do it."

Remus! Let her help!

"Promise me you wont try to come and see me then
won't won't won't!!!

James has his back, that's nice. Even though it's totally in Remus' best interest (as far as I can tell) to let Grace help him.


Oh hey I forgot that she's James' sister.

A heart-to-heart with Peter! I love that you treat him like an actual character and don't just pretend that he doesn't exist.

Normalcy is not something you can teach somebody. Those of us in fandoms know that.

The simple scratching sound that was borne from a quill meeting a piece of parchment was one of Grace's new favorite things.

What a great line.

Wait actually that entire paragraph.

You're marvelous.

I like the conversation between Lily and Grace and... whoa I already forgot the third girl's name. It started with an A. I clearly have a very low level of reading comprehension.

Yes. Okay. I can move on now.

Cruor Terra... Earth... Blood.

Vampires were barbarous creatures whose blackened souls were cursed to remain within their bodies; keeping them living, unable to leave the world in death while every being they had ever cared about would grow old and wither away.

You're such a good writer.

How did you come up with these ideas about the Vampires? You're amazing.

Oh! Yay! Translations!

Okay. This is so good. It's so weird and confusing but I love it. I'm just along for the ride. Other readers might be really frustrated at this point, but I'm not. I'll just fangirl over you for a minute and then go make eggs.

How do you come up with this stuff?? Raaah I wish I could be that creative. This is so ridiculously AU and I love it. So much. This is fantastic.

I thought the foreign language was woven in very well. I'm so curious to see what happens next!!

This is seriously so good. I'm so happy that this exists.

Author's Response: :D Randomness is fun, and it entertains me!

Yeah, Albus is doing his death fall, over and over again. Grace's got a lot on her plate.

Even if Grace resurrected the breakfast, I'm sure it just wouldn't taste the same ;). Eggs and tomatoes do sound delicious, though.

She can't be adequate at making potions? ;p

Grace and's complicated -_-.

I do need a comma! Thank you.

She's not Quiddich-savvy that's for sure. Peter on a broom...I'm sure the poor guy can fly (sort of).

Whoo! Breakfast!

Remus is stubborn, and a bit skeptical of the strange girl. Won't! -_- I'll get that right eventually.

James loves Remus! And his sister's a bit eccentric...I can't say that I blame him.

:D I love how awkward she is, too!

Peter! Guy needs a bit of recognition, before he betrays Harry's parents, anyway.

That's it, I'm making a pin that says "You're Marvelous". ;)

Alice, Neville's mom :D.

Roughly translated to Land of Blood, roughly (you'll have to excuse my rough Latin to English translations, I use them to my benefit).

Er...the vampires are a mix of folklore in combination with some original ideas that coincided with the blood magic (whoo! blood magic, that's fun, we'll get more into that later).

Weird and confusing is how I roll :D. The foreign language is actually more of a code (because I'm not taking the time to come up with an entire language, rules and all, otherwise). Apparently, that "language" was created by my great-gran and her best friend, and then passed down to the rest of us. It's easy to learn, when spoken, but I think I'm the first to actually write it.

Whoo! I'm glad you like it :D!

Thanks so much! Won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't...


 Report Review

Review #30, by Lululuna Illuminating the Night

15th January 2014:
Hello! :)

The beginning section really had me on the edge of my seat. Honestly, I would have been convinced that Grace was a goner from that vampire were it not for 75% of the chapter still remaining and at least three more chapters. :P I was actually completely surprised when it turned out to be a simulation, so you really got me there!

I love how you wrote the (well, now I know it's fake) action scene, it was absolutely riveting. You wrote Grace's thought process in really well with the fast paced combat all the creepy things which she feels in the dark are so delectable. It was just an awful yet awesome moment when she licks the blood to find out what it is- that's so gross, but a reasonable first reaction in an odd sort of way. I'm also a big fan of severed heads popping up in stories - at least two of my stories feature them somehow - so her seeing Agmund's head in the simulation was a wonderfully horrific detail.

The blood ribbons thing was so creepy - it reminded me a little of a public waterfountain for vampires! I'm glad that wasn't real as it really scared me and the fact that the vampires have magical powers as well and what they use human blood for makes them very formidable enemies.

I was a little frustrated with the Cruors with how judgemental and hard they are on Grace: after all, isn't she sort of doing them a favour by helping out? It seems like a big burden for a 16-year old to take on alone and they really don't seem very grateful. Her musings when she was about to "die" on why she was there in another realm were so true.

Aw, poor Snape! He's awful here, but the marauders giving him a bath was a bit of a low blow. I'm really looking forward to finding out how he comes around to Grace because I have no idea how you're going to do it, so I'm excited to see it! :D

The conversations about the giant squid truly being a kraken were so funny! It's a very good point.

Remus and Grace's Servator/friend/warm-and-squishy relationship just gets more and more intruiging with each chapter. I thought it was pretty adorable when she crawled into his lap and really can't blame her after the day she's had.

It was nice to get to know Lily a bit more- she reminds me of Hermione in a way, with how eager she is to learn. She seems a little nosy as well, but in a caring way. I feel like Grace has been neglecting the girls in favour of the boys a little so I'm looking forward to getting to know them better, especially considering the explosion of children and baby mamas mentioned in the prologue! :)

Amazing chapter, as always! :) I'm so close to catching up to the latest chapter now! :D

Author's Response: I'm realizing now how many of your reviews I haven't responded to, sorry about that!

This was fun, and my first fan fiction action scene! I'm happy that it was able to capture some anticipation and worry! As it turns out, I love writing action scenes (which also means that I get to listen to a ton of action-y music while I write)! Grace tasting the blood was gross, but it was the best way to go about discovering what the substance was without sight. Though, I do highly recommend not licking strange wet substances you find in the darkness o.O. Severed heads provide awesome horror-factors into stories, don't they?

The vampires of Cruor are a force to be reckoned with, I'd have to say. I suppose that's why the war has been going on for so very long.

Grace is young, and doing them a great favor. Later, you'll see how they constantly compare her to Elizabeth, and how Grace's capabilities fall short in that comparison. We'll get into that later on though. Grace's best moments of clarity will come around the times she's facing her mortality, or has faced her mortality. So, if you ever want to make a point to her, do it while she's dying ;).

Severus' mood is directly effected by the bath the Marauders forced upon him. Grace being James' sister doesn't exactly help the situation. I have things up my sleeve! And I'm exceedingly happy that I've figured their relationship development out beforehand because this one is a doozy. :D

:p Grace's method for quickly avoiding a form of confrontation: speculate about the species of the creature that dwells within the lake.

Remus and Grace, no comment :D.

I'm still working on Lily, as I haven't had to focus on her all that much so far. Grace will get the opportunity to know the girls soon ;). Babies! No comments.

Thanks so much!


 Report Review

Review #31, by LightLeviosa5443 Merlin Was a Slytherin

14th January 2014:

The conversation was not too long at all. The conversation was perfect. I feel like after this chapter there are some things about Grace that I understand a little bit better. Parts that I got before, but now I can fully grasp. I think this was a fantastic chapter purely for that reason alone.

I also really liked how this chapter highlighted James and Grace's relationship. I loved how you showed a brotherly/sisterly relationship between the two. It was really sweet to read about, and it was certainly an interesting chapter. I can't wait to see how they interact in the future after having their heart to heart of sorts.

I'm also really interested in what Lily has to say to Grace, as Grace still managed to avoid her! I'm sure it'll be really different and just all sorts of fabulous, because every chapter seems to end up that way.

Thanks for writing such a brilliant piece of work, because it's keeping me extremely and thoroughly entertained.

I tried really hard not to gush this time. I think I did an okay job.

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hi!

Oh good. With all of the new information introduced in the chapter, I was afraid it would become a bit monotonous, so I'm glad you didn't think it was too long. I used James to answer some long-overdue questions ;) (luckily, it also helped me work on James' characterization).

Given events that you don't know about yet, James will be somebody that Grace comes to rely on (sort of). As soon as I began playing around with James' characterization, their personalities kind of clicked together for brother-sister interactions, so I'm glad that you enjoyed them :D.

I'm still working on Lily's characterization. We're fighting as character-writer (I don't know why she hates me). You'll have to let me know what you think of her in the future ;).

Gah, thanks for leaving such love-filled reviews, because that is keeping ME entertained ;).

Thanks so much!! (!!!...)


 Report Review

Review #32, by LightLeviosa5443 Hostage

14th January 2014:
So, the more I read, the more I want to gush.

So then I re-read, because I think, well, if I gush I have to say something constructive, right? Well I get so excited about re-reading that I forget I'm looking for something constructive to say.

So then I re-re-read. Yeah. This cycle isn't working. So I'm going to cut to the chase. I love this story, it's amazing. Your characterization is brilliant, and Sirius cracks me up with his incessant hunger! I love how Grace was in shock at how Peter could possibly become evil. And I can't wait to read about what James and Lily could possibly want to talk to Grace about! Those will be two very interesting conversations!

I love your characterization of Remus. It's so interesting, and that connection the two of them have is so powerful I just love reading about it. I can't wait to see how Grace and Severus develop as well. Brilliant, capturing Regulus. I can't wait to see how that backfires. This whole thing was just brilliant.

I give up, I'm not constructive tonight. I love your story. Keep writing so that you won't break my heart and I'll have something to read and gush over. Kay? Kay.

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hello again!

That's quite a lot of reading (and rereading and re-rereading) ;).

Wow, I'm definitely feeling the love. I'm glad you like Sirius and the concept of Marauder-Peter vs Evil-Peter. I'm more so ecstatic that you're enjoying Remus. Sometimes the character I need him to be and the character that his cannon implies are two completely different beings. While I have a bit of room to work with the wolf as a justification, I still have to hinder some of the progress because Remus is being difficult :p. Regulus! Keep an eye on him for me, yeah? He'll be important at some point in the story, so I must keep him around.

Uhm, kay! :D I can do that.


 Report Review

Review #33, by LightLeviosa5443 Amends and Negligence

14th January 2014:

WHY IS THIS STORY SO GOOD?! lksmdlm;weilfv. I'm extremely jealous of your writing skills. This story is captivating and incredible and descriptive and the characters make sense, and flow, and they just fit perfectly. You do such a wondeful job and everytime I read this story I fall a little more in love with it, and hate myself a little more for not being able to write like this. Bravo! Bravo!

I want to keep reading on forever, honestly. This story is just so interesting. There's so many layers and so many different directions that you could take that really the story has endless possibilities. It's impossible for me to predict what is going to happen in this story because you're just brilliant. You mind has worked magic once more. I'm pretty sure I just babbled that whole thing. I don't even remember what I said.

What I'm trying to say is, I love this story, I loved this chapter. Your characterization is spot on, the story flows flawlessly and the writing style is so addictive and effortless I just want to read it for days!

xoxo Sarah

Author's Response: Hai!

I'm sorry! Did you seriously just read three chapters in one go? Woah...that's a lot of Everto. Gah! Don't hate yourself :(, I am certain that you write fabulously (and I'm not that good ;p).

Heheh, well, thanks so much :D! I'm glad you like it! It's fun to write, so my only hope would be that it is equally fun to read!
Though, my madness is only contagious for some people ;).


 Report Review

Review #34, by Lululuna Breaking

14th January 2014:
Hello! :)

Ah, the beginning was so intense! I thought the repetition of "She was only eight" and "She was only a child" were very powerful reminders of how much Grace has had to go through in her short life. It's really quite terrible how a little girl has been given such responsibility, even if she does accept and even love being a Trucido. I was really intrigued to see how she thinks it's very difficult to be around her new friends since she knows their fates- I can't even handle how troublesome that would be.

The deal with death has been such a mystery since the first chapter and I like how more is slowly starting to be revealed. It's also quite ominous how Death told her not to interfere. We know from the Tale of the Three Brothers that Death is quite tricky and seems to understand human nature quite well- what I'm thinking now is that Death will expect Grace to interfere and then he'll reap the benefits for his own deathly self. Of course, I might be falling way off the deep end of conspiracies here. :P

I liked the moment with Severus and the toilet paper a lot. I think it showed a lot about their characters: how Severus is quite insecure and prone to public embarrassment and awkwardness how matter how hard he tries to be intimidating. And then how caring Grace is and how she really wants to make him comfortable. It was a very simple moment but touching, in an odd sort of way. :)

Grace fought the urge to kill. It seems a little frightening and sad to me how Grace, since she was that little girl at the beginning, has been taught to kill. Sure, it's for a good reason, but it still seems really heavy for somebody so young. I feel like Dumbledore saying all this, haha, but I really do feel sorry for her at times despite all her cool talents and awesomeness.

The marauders declared war that day. This was great! I love how protective they are, and at the same time how eager they probably were to declare war on the Slytherins. All the Remus and Grace tension moments make me laugh as well, I especially liked when she tried to keep her hair from stimulating something between them, hehe. :)

A great chapter, as usual! :D

Author's Response: Hello!

Grace has probably too much to deal with, but it does explain her seemingly random outbursts at times. Seeing the fates of her friends, well, it's just something that Grace has known from the beginning, but becomes more difficult as she grows to care about them. It's quite sad, so we are (Grace and I) handling that one chapter at a time ;).

Information dump has got to be one of my major downfalls. I simply overload certain places with information, like the beginning. I thought that maybe revealing information over the course of time would help everybody ease into my madness. I love that you're predicting what may happen with Grace's dealing with Death...though I'm not saying a word.

Oh Severus...don't you just want to hug him? Grace does. That was one of my favorite scenes, so I'm glad it caught your attention. I love all Grace/Severus moment, though they've had a history of ending poorly.

A peak at Grace's emotional and mental instability at the moment! Well, the killing and the staircase. She's dealing with a lot, and is using the only outlet she knows, which is to kill.

The Marauders, in my head, would be pretty awesome to have as friends. Although they may torment the Slytherins, I'm sure they'd be protective of their own. Grace and Remus...I'm just going to refrain from saying anything about them for the time being.

Thanks so much!! You're awesome!


 Report Review

Review #35, by LightLeviosa5443 A Rat in the Kitchens

12th January 2014:
Hi! Here with your requested review!! I'm so sorry it's so late!

You were totally right, this chapter is FULL of your madness... AND I LOVED IT! I honestly sometimes wish there was a bunch of spelling mistakes so I could feel better about myself when I review your chapters because they're so freaking incredible!!

You mentioned Peter's characterization, and honestly, I kind of really liked him. He was perfect, a follower, James and Sirius left him behind to watch Grace. His solution was eating, he wouldn't show her how to be normal. I think you did a fantastic job of writing him. I'd be interested in seeing more of him in the group dynamic.

Oooh, is Grace going to require Snape's help brewing the potion? Are we going to get a relationship going there? I want to see how Grace develops a relationship with the girls, and with the marauders. Poor thing, she wants her Servator and he wants nothing to do with her.

The language you introduced was very interesting, especially how all of the words seem to be very similar. I was glad you put translations at the bottom of the page because I was like "Man.. I wish I knew what exactly they were saying." But reading the translations at the end of the chapter was definitely more powerful than them being in there, I think.

I really really just loved this chapter. I can't wait to see where you go from here, if you'll introduce more people. How exactly her being taken by Vampires is going to work. Is she going to take the Morticaine and then when the Vampires try to bathe in her blood it'll kill them? Won't being put on a pike kill her?

Very interesting, there are so many different ways you could go with this story and I love it, because I can't predict what you're going to do!

Fantastic job!!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hello!! (I don't mind waiting...ever :) )

Oh my madness...I have to be careful to avoid confusion when it happens ;). There might have been some spelling mistakes, if not for spellcheck (thank you spellcheck)!

Yay! Peter's difficult... I wanted him to fit in with the Marauders (somewhat), because he is one. Then, I wanted to make him a little different from the group because he's Peter Pettigrew. I'm really happy that you thought he ended up decent!

Grace and Severus...well, there's plans. And there's plans for the others, though, it's a bit difficult sometimes. Grace is an odd duck... -_- (Rumpel had to go and make a weird character). Hopefully, I did a decent job with what relationship developments I have begun (and toyed with). Remus is just confused...and a bit paranoid about the girl who just appeared in his life ;).

The language is really just a code. Apparently, my great-gran and her best friend "invented" it when they were young, and it's been passed down :). It's fun to use and easy to learn (speech-wise). It's fantastic for talking about Christmas present ideas around people who don't know what you're saying. I think that this is the first time it has ever been written down though.

Ideally, yes, the Morticaine is supposed to infect the vampires that way. Because of Grace's regenerative properties, it shouldn't kill her as long as matters are taken care of quickly...but there will be more of that later.

Thanks so much!! I'm glad that you found it interesting! Everto's very fun to write...throwing a little bit of OF in for entertainment and all :D.


 Report Review

Review #36, by marauderfan A Sirius Chat

11th January 2014:
Rumpel! I see you've got a new chapter up, so I'm here for some reviewing fun - today is 1/11 and this is your 111th review on this story (unless someone else gets here first) AND if that weren't cool enough, this is my 500th review! :D So here goes!

First... heh. love the Sirius pun. It siriusly is funny every time. (See what I did there?)

I liked Grace's talk with Sirius. it's funny because both of them seem to be really bad at discussing feelings. I can relate. But it's sweet, because Sirius is only trying to look out for his friend, and Grace is (understandably) quite confused.

“And now Lily and I are dating,” Grace sang nonchalantly, -- bahaha. I bet that got Snape's attention. I just really love the mental image of this scene, her seeing how much she can get away with since Snape isn't listening to her :D

Such drama with the Gryffindor girls! Poor Grace getting labelled as a boyfriend-thief. And other unpleasant things. At least she has Marlene on her side.

That's quite honourable of Snape to hold up his end of the bargain even though he didn't get what he wanted. I feel he may want to go back on his word though, after this unintended adventure. Aaah! What an evil place to end the chapter :p I am really excited that Grace is back in Cruor Terra as that place just sounds so mysterious and intriguing, and I'm eager to see more of it. But aah Snape got dragged along and it's not going to be good and something happened to him eek. I can't wait to see what happens next and how Grace will manage to get them both out of their situation!

Your chapter image made me giggle, btw. :D

Author's Response: Gah! Hello!!

Whoo! To continue the number game, my two one-shots, which are (obviously) 1 chapter long, each have 11 reviews :D! If this had only been the 11th chapter, instead of the 12th, it would have been that much more awesome!

I'm still waiting for the day when Sirius puns will stop entertaining me (I see what you did there ;P)!

I needed to work things out with Sirius and Grace, as they're not entirely getting on well. Though, this might not have really solved too much of that.

Aha, yeah, Grace may have hit a nerve with that :D.

Oh the drama...I will be relieved when the Hogwarts/teenage years are over. Marlene is good people :D. I got a bit caught up with the argument, and made Grace leave the room, instead. It's my natural defense-mechanism in dealing with drama: leave the room.

;P I'm sorry! The chapter was too long as it was (before editing, it was only 3500 words, roughly -_-) and I couldn't resist a cliffhanger! I've decided that they're quite fun. Cruor is a fun place, it almost always means ACTION (yay, action)!

Thank so much!! You're awesome!


 Report Review

Review #37, by Lululuna Merlin Was a Slytherin

10th January 2014:
Hi! I'm glad to get the chance to come back so quickly!

I liked this chapter a lot and I don't think the conversation dragged on too much at all. I feel like it was really necessary and James worked as a good reader surrogate in answering some questions I had, so that was great. I'm excited for them to bond more and be real siblings: the bickering and moment of laughing on the floor was really great and I can't wait to see more of that! It's sort of sweet how James is warning Grace off Severus and how he seemed quite curious and a little upset about why their childhoods were so separate. It's quite sad, in a way, how they never got to know one another as kids.

Oh James, putting his foot in his mouth and admitting that Sirius isn't a great fan of Grace! I love James here, really. You write him really well and I love how his crush on Lily is sweet, and how he's so excited at any sort of praise coming from her, but then she's still quite sassy in rejecting him. You really write the canon characters so well and I really enjoy your portrayals of all of them. But I can't believe James didn't immediately figure out that the soulmate was Severus after they'd just been arguing about it! Silly boy. Maybe he's in denial? Also, I think you wrote James' hatred for Snivellus really well here. :)

I really like the history of the Trucidos as well, and how Merlin was one! That's awesome, it makes sense that since he had so many special powers and this augmented status in history that he would be one. But then I almost enjoyed the blundering and less intelligent Trucidos and Grace's disdain for them even more.

Grace is so funny, I laughed when she was teasing James about their parents having relations. That and one of James' urgent questions being about Remedial questions were my favourite bits of the chapter.

Ooh, I'm so curious to find out what the prank was?! And if Grace and Remus really do have chemistry and if she's in denial about it. And if Grace is ever going to go to her newly discovered brother and say: "by the way, you're going to die in a few years leaving your infant son, so make sure to not make Peter your secret keeper and keep your wand on your person at all times." But then she'd probably get into all sorts of trouble for that, like giant dinosaur aliens swooping in and trying to get into a church (sorry, I've been watching Doctor Who all day. :P Hopefully you know the episode I'm talking about or this is just awkward).

This was another fantastic chapter, and I'm really looking forward to reading on!

Author's Response: Hello again! :D

There was a ton of text and explanations, so I was afraid it might become daunting! I'm glad you liked it, though. This chapter was used as a helper chapter for me. James asked some overdue questions, and Grace answered them, I worked on James and Grace's relationship a bit, and I got the chance to fight with James' characterization (he was my mortal enemy as a character for a little while).

Hooray! I'm ecstatic that you liked James because, like I said, he was giving me a difficult time for a bit. Heheh, he may be in a bit of denial in combination with a bit of denseness.

Merlin was my go-to guy for some Trucido history and I'm glad that you enjoyed that.

It sounds so nonchalant and off-handed to put it like that. As for giant dinosaur aliens and churches, well, maybe it's better that she doesn't mess with fate, then :D. I've never watched Doctor Who, but I'll take your word for it ;).

Thanks so much...I'm glad you're enjoying it!


 Report Review

Review #38, by Lululuna Hostage

10th January 2014:
Tag! :)

Ah, you've done it again. Grace really grows on me more and more with each chapter, I feel like if she was real we'd be friends and I'd convince her to magically apparate me about the castle and to take me demon hunting. :P

Ooh, having some moments with Remus, are we? I love how Grace is so certain about her not supposed to be with Remus, but even destiny has a little adversity when confronting hormones.

Like the delicate flower she was, she grabbed hold of Regulus upon reaching them just beyond the threshold of the door. This just made me laugh so much, the narrator's cheekiness really shines through. Grace is so drastic in her responses, I was really amused and a little embarrassed when the truth was revealed after she kidnapped Regulus. The fact that he and Sev weren't really friends fit quite well too, and just made the situation even funnier. Regulus seems like a rather nasty piece of work, and I wonder if he's going to go for his revenge on Grace.

Lily is wonderful here, I'm excited to see more of her. She fits so well with the idea of Lily I have from canon in being very rule-abiding and fair, and not letting Slytherin prejudices sway her. Uh oh, Lily said the conversation is not over... I love how Lily is a little motherly and even wants to have a stern talking to with Grace over her actions, it's quite funny.

I like how Grace is wondering about Peter and his betrayal, and how she knows that Lily and James will die... that would be very haunting and troublesome, and I'm almost surprised that she isn't more upset about the burden of that knowledge. Then again, she has grown up with these special powers and perhaps she's used to understanding not to mess with fate and the future. Still, it's very sad to think about!

I just really love how Alice calls Grace pumpkin. It's so cute! ♥

Wonderful chapter, I really enjoyed it and it made me laugh, as usual! :) Hopefully I'll be back for the next one soon!

Author's Response: Hello!

I think that Grace would enjoy somebody who would want to go demon hunting with her ;).

Only a little moment! Ah, the teenage years (I cannot wait until I'm past them in this story)! Queue complicated emotions and feelings fueled by hormones.

This chapter was extremely fun to write, because I was able to show the worst and best of Grace's social ineptitude. As far as character relationship development goes, Severus and Regulus' with Grace took a few giant leaps in the wrong (but right) direction.

I'm still working on Lily, so I'm glad that you like her. She's definitely interesting to write with.

Grace goes through her share of ups and downs with Peter (she's trying to be decent). Things become harder, though, as time progresses for many reasons. :(

I'm really happy that you liked it! Thanks so much!


 Report Review

Review #39, by ReeBee Amends and Negligence

10th January 2014:
Hi Rumpel! Here for the review tag and your requested review!

So, this was good! It's getting g interesting! :D ooh ! Okay, so here we go!

Characterisation: really good! It seemed like u had a really clear idea of your characters and knew where u were going to go with them! Eep! Lupin's become nice! :D yay! And the teacher is fine! She isn't likeable! I was gritting my teeth! :D so, that's good! The characterisation of the girls was perfect! I honestly loved it! And u included Marlene! Yay! I live her! Woot! On that note, the interactions were completely believable! :D

Description: quite good! You've included really good description to smoothen flow in most places! The one CC I have is after the 6:29 pm, where Grace realises that she's missing her journal thing, could use a bit more description :) that was a bit abrupt to me :)

Flow/Plot: good! The flow was super well controlled! The only bit that was a bit off was the scene mentioned above :) ploy development is coming along well! :D I live this pace! It was so interesting and I couldn't look away from the screen! I wonder what will happen with Snape?!?!?!

Grammar/Syntax: found no typos or major grammatical errors :) great job!

Go Rumpel! Awesome chapter! Feel free to rerequest :)


Author's Response: Curry!

Hooray for character development! I'm glad you approve of the characterization so far! I love Marlene too! There will be a bunch of Marlene for a while (especially in the halfway parts).

Okay, I'll see what I can do about the description in that scene!

Yay! Oh good, plot development is there is a confusing plot and many subplots. Eheheh, it's a secret.

Hooray for spell check and editing (my best friends)!

Thanks so much for the assistance!


 Report Review

Review #40, by Hogwarts27 Defining Right and Wrong; Butterflies

9th January 2014:
Hi, I liked this chapter quite a lot. A badly behaved rabbit - LOL. I really liked Remus and Grace together in this one. Remus had common sense in at least parts of this chapter. He felt like his canon character again. He was even perceptive, sensing Grace's jealousy. I liked the way Remus challenges Grace and kisses her. It got me wondering whether canon Remus would ever have been confident enough to be so bold with a girl at that age. First I thought no, but then I imagined a wolfish glint in his eye and thought, well maybe I could believe it of adult Remus. When I had that thought, I didn't know there would be a second kiss in the chapter, so I ended up laughing. Oh, drama for drama's sake as you put it in your last review response, I would have to agree, and it's been obvious since the dorm room. But since you're trying to make a point with these scenes in the story, I will just let you do it. This is, after all, a story about teenagers so putting some teenage issues in is appropriate. And the whole chapter was very well-written, as all your chapters have been. I liked the part at the end very much where they talk about the future and Remus points out that if Grace can see his future, then she must not be in it. That was a nice way to go out.

Author's Response: Hey there!

I may have to work his character out a bit in some of the chapters. While I don't think he would necessarily believe that he would be so bold either, but I've been trying to play with their connection and the wolf. It's how I've been justifying it to myself, at any rate.

Drama for drama's's honestly more aggravating to write than anything else. I absolutely cannot wait until the teenage years are over and the character relationship development is on a roll...cannot wait!

Thanks so much for sticking through this long!


 Report Review

Review #41, by Hogwarts27 Argumentative

7th January 2014:
I thought the first part of this chapter was terrific, but I do have some constructive comments about the latter half.

Okay, after the intensity and info stream of the last couple chapters, it was nice to just ease back into the more relaxed part of the story.

Grace going to the Potter home - well, that sets up the possibility for all sorts of things to happen, danger, personal conflict, touching reunions, and who knows what else. A lot of interesting story elements could come out of it.

Gentle majestic ripples in the water - Hmm not sure if gentle and majestic really fit so well together. In my mind Majestic is usually something bold and grand, not gentle, so not sure what you're going for here. A different word combo might work better. And the rest of the sentence is just lovely, by the way.

Okay, the part where Remus' touch becomes intimate - you warned me there was something you put in that didn't sit well with you, and I'm guessing this is it, because it doesn't sit well with me either. So here's what I think.

First of all, this didn't strike me as being very much in character for a friendship, even the deepest friendship. Nor was it appropriate behavior. Friends who truly want to remain just friends, and cherish their friendship, simply don't touch each other in that intimate sort of way. Any sort of body stroking is always a clear sexual signal. And should it accidentally happen between friends, both parties are usually keenly aware of it, and one of them will usually put a stop to it very quickly, unless they both just give in and let the friendship dissolve into romance. So Remus can't simply be unconscious that he's sending such an obvious signal. And Grace does nothing to set any boundaries with him. She doesn't push him away, tell him to stop or anything.

And then just as suddenly as it starts, it stops, without either of them saying a word about it. By the time it ends, the inappropriate touch has already gone on much too long to keep silent about. It already went on much too long to not do something about much earlier. For me, this no longer paints the picture of a close touching relationship - this is an overt sexual invitation that almost felt a little perverse, quite frankly, because he's mildly enticing her and she's encouraging it by her obvious enjoyment of it and her silence. That just didn't strike the right note with me. To have a scene like that between two characters who are falling in love would be lovely. But between close friends, no no. I think it only tarnishes the intimacy of the friendship you've worked so hard to build. But I have to say, it was brilliantly written. Between two lovers, this would have been the perfect scene to describe the emerging feelings. Just marvelous.

Okay, but THESE characters - the scene that follows just depicts more inappropriate teasing with more conflicting signals exchanged. Coming on the heels of the last chapter where Grace takes liberties by sneaking into Remus' dorm, this starts to feel like one purposeful sexual/romantic innuendo on top of another, and I start to have trouble taking their relationship seriously anymore if they can't handle a simple gender difference. Now they're acting like immature teenagers who are struggling with trivial teenage romance problems. This causes the relationship angle of the story to lose its maturity and become trivial and cliche. And yes, they're 16, but they can't act like immature teenagers one day and then claim to be anything radically more mature the next. That's just not believable.

So that's my two cents, coming from an older, more mature reader, and I hope it's of some help to you. I'd be willing to bet though, that my opinion will be in the minority, because there are a LOT of younger readers and romance lovers on this site who just adore every possible twist and tryst of any age romance. So I'm sure other readers will just adore this and be all over it.

Author's Response: *I* needed a break from the heaviness of the past few chapters.

Grace needs to meet her parents. I couldn't find any logical reason for her not to.

You're absolutely right. Majestic would fit much better to describe the large, powerful waves of the ocean. Elegant is probably a much better term.

Much to do about Grace and Remus:

Where to begin?

One of the things I'm struggling with the most is writing from the perspective of a teenage girl. While I have a bit of leeway room with Grace, given her past and what she is, I still have to work through the thoughts, feelings, and responses. Attempting to remember how I would have responded when I was that age continues to fail me.

That being said, I'm attempting to dishevel their relationship a bit. With their connection, which is the source of some confusing emotions, and their age, I'm attempting to create grounds for a short-lived pseudo romance. While this is sure to ruin a great deal of what they've already established, I want to rebuild some of their already existing friendship. While it will be a rough rebuild, it will ultimately help establish boundaries as well as create a stronger friendship. There's a reason behind what I'm doing, I just hope it comes across clearly in the next few chapters (perhaps not in the very next, as it has much to do with the beginning of a very short relationship). By determining some very strong, obvious lines concerning the friendship between the two, I'm hoping that this will result in an actual ability to have a relationship with one another that doesn't involve romantic interest.

If that all falls to pieces on me, then I've taken the wrong route. Ideally, this will all work out as I've outlined.

Thanks so much for your opinions on this, and you're right in saying that these two characters, given what their relationship is supposed to be, shouldn't be acting in such a way. While events will transpire, it SHOULD ultimately work out for their benefit (hopefully).

 Report Review

Review #42, by Hogwarts27 Illuminating the Night

7th January 2014:
I have both good and some constructive comments to offer on this chapter. We'll call them comments and not crit, which is really what they are.

First let me say it's obvious that you worked really hard on this chapter, and went to a lot of effort to put forth some really quality writing. I enjoyed a lot of the way this was written, and it was wonderfully vivid, even visceral, in some ways. Just wow.

Your first paragraph, I liked it a lot. It set the mood extremely well and it did a great job of easing the reader into the scene.

As the attack gets nearer though, I would have appreciated some more description of the surroundings because I had a hard time picturing what this place was supposed to look like. Even though it's dark, and you're trying to create the feeling of Grace not being able to see well, I needed a little something more to go on. I wasn't even sure if this was indoors or outdoors, only that there was a building in rubble, and there's a wall somewhere. Are we inside this destroyed building or outside of it?

As for the attack scene itself, it was a great read, and the tone of the writing was marvelously strong. That's what I enjoyed most. But I wasn't really sure what you were going for - did you want the reader to be able to clearly see two combatants fighting? Or did you just want to give the impression of blows being exchanged from out of nowhere? Mostly for me, it did the latter.

In either case, I think it would have helped to be more specific with your details in the attack scene - like when the attack happens is it from the front, back, or the side? Your next sentence says she twists her body into the offender - again it would help to know in which direction that is. In fact, during the entire fight, I often had a hard time imagining how the combatants were positioned against each other, or how close they were to one another. As I said earlier, the blows often just seem to come out of nowhere, and I can't tell if you meant it that way. I just found it generally hard to get a clear mental picture of the action, and there was almost no mention of the surroundings during the fight so I had no backdrop to impose it on either. So a bit more detail would be nice.

You were also purposely vague about the vampire, so I didn't know how to picture them either. The story hasn't mentioned whether these are modern vampires like Twilight, old-fashioned vampires like Dracula, or some invention of your own. It would be good to at least tell us if it's in street clothes, a robe, a shadowy figure, anything to help us draw some mental picture, though you did describe it's skin quite well. Oh, and just in case you didn't mean to do it, you did reveal the sex by the phrase "the vampire brought his leg between them".

The shining gem of the fight scene was the strength of the writing itself. It just powered through, and I really enjoyed that.

As for the rest of the story, I liked what was revealed in the translation. I could really sympathize with Grace when she got back to her friends who were completely oblivious of what she had gone through. The scene with Snape was also great. I love him being so surly. It just makes it all the more intriguing to wonder how those two will ever get together. And Grace and Remus are so touching in their scenes. You've made their connection feel like a platonic romance.

I have to say, I wasn't so keen about Grace sneaking into Remus' dorm room though, especially since she knows she's taking liberties that might be crossing the lines of friendship. There need to be boundaries for friendships that are truly cherished. If they really care, they ought not be putting their friendship so foolishly in jeopardy. So I'll say that I think you're getting into some risky territory here. I'd be careful with suggestive innuendos like this, unless you purposely plan to unravel what you've so nicely created thus far between these two characters.

Author's Response: I always love constructive comments (whether they are criticisms or not), so they are more than welcome. Anything that challenges the way I think or perceive something is excellent in my book.

I had entirely too much fun writing an action scene. In my attempt to use Grace's blindness during the scene, however, it seems that I've let go of some elements that may have been helpful to the reader. I hadn't realized it before, so thank you for pointing that out. If it helps any, the scene was meant to be set outdoors.

Since it was dark, I didn't necessarily want the reader to be aware of exactly Grace and the other vampires were, or where blows were coming from. However, I should probably add a bit of direction, to help bring a more clearly defined image to the scene.

I attempted to explain the nature of the vampires in chapter four, but that was several chapters away from this one. I'll be sure to add a bit more information about them here. If it is of any assistance, I modeled the vampires after monstrous creatures rather than humanistic souls. While some vampires are depicted with some slightly twisted romantic tendencies (seduction for the sake of killing, for example) like Dracula or Lord Ruthven in Polidori's "The Vampyre", I wanted to depict them in a more clear, barbarous light. I also didn't realized that "his" slipped through. While in my head, I determined what the sex of the vampire was, I found it irrelevant and somewhat indeterminable given the state of darkness and the state of decay the vampire was in. Thanks for pointing that out. It was an error.

While I was testing boundaries with the final scene, it was mostly unnecessary. The conversation could have been held in a different manner, in a different place. While I've created a situation that tests boundaries in the future, I've done so to clearly define some boundaries and create a stronger friendship once what I begin to tear apart becomes right again. That explanation will probably make more sense (and become more relevant) when I post the next several un-posted chapters. Things become a bit complicated to the point where it feels like I'm creating drama for drama's sake, but I have a reason behind the madness.

 Report Review

Review #43, by Hogwarts27 Breaking

6th January 2014:
This chapter starts with terrific descriptive writing, nice suspense and then - she was only eight! What a beginning! I love your ominous description of the world we're in. And then the mention of the scythe - such a classic icon that we know what sort of entity this is even before you tell us. Brilliant. And then after the encounter Grace says - I want to go home. Marvelous scene.

Much of this chapter was written in a passive past tense, telling us events from the past, so I appreciated the occasional snippets of dialogue that brought the reader into the scene to experience first-hand a bit of the past event.

The Maruaders declared war - I loved that phrase.

And I absolutely loved the end scene where Grace tried to help Remus with his pain. I love how she tells him "I'll figure it out." And I already have the utmost faith that she will. YAY Grace! I'm rooting for her, you see :) Because I actually believe she will really save the day. Maybe the world. Just excellent.

Lastly, if I understood the meaning of this sentence right, there's a minor grammar error - Only tragedy will become those who attempt to change one's fate. 'Those' is multiple, 'one's' is singular. Might read better as one of the following:
1} Only tragedy will become one who attempts to change one's fate/or their fate (possessive)
2) Only tragedy will become those who attempt to change their fate.
3) Only tragedy will become those who attempt to change another's fate - if that's the connotation you want.
4) You could also consider using the verb form 'becomes' instead of 'will become' for any of the above if you think the sentence flow would need it i.e.: Only tragedy becomes those who attempt to change their fate.
Evil laugh Mwah Ha Ha Ha! Choices choices. Don't they drive you mad sometimes?

Author's Response: I'm really happy that you enjoyed the scene with death. That was my favorite section to write in this chapter. For once, I think I did a decent job concerning setting descriptions (as I tend to struggle in that area).

I was playing around with the transgression of time in this chapter. While I still wanted to include certain events that transpired, I didn't feel the need to write out long scenes to reveal some relevant pieces of information. As to its effectiveness, I'm not entirely sure, but it worked to my benefit.

I'm happy that you're rooting for Grace, she may need it eventually.

Yikes. Thanks for all of the choices, I'll pick one t hat best suites the sentence!

 Report Review

Review #44, by patronus_charm Hostage

6th January 2014:
Hey, here with your review!

I really liked her encounter with Severus and I thought it worked out really well. They have this odd sort of tension as if one could help the other for some reason, and that they could get along really well except they don’t and instead, fight with one another. There was even a dash of humour in there which worked really well and I just can’t wait to see how these two work out.

She and Remus were really sweet together too, and they’ve progressed really nicely into the realm of friendship. I have a feeling that they might just not end up together because it was the scene when he was saying she was mad and accusing her of making him her accomplice and they seemed too different to ever really work out. You had some really nice development on the whole with them though.

Small note on the French here ‘Greta Catchlove a la mode!’ it should have an accent on the a which should be a grave accent. It’s a slanting one if you’re not sure. :)

The third section with the Marauders was really good on the whole with all of them playing the perfect part of teasing Remus. The only thing I can really suggest there is perhaps tone down the use of their nicknames, because while it was effective, they were used in several lines of speech when no name would have been better for the flow.

Now that we’ve tackled dialogue grammar and all of its other horrors, it thought a good focus for this review would be your description. While the small levels of description such as people’s faces and books, are at a really good level, the room as a whole and the general surrounding seems to lack it from time to time. The issue I see here is that you launch straight into the small level description and sometimes forget the big level, which leaves the reader a little confused from time to time. Obviously, in certain scenes it will just jar with the flow, but it might be a nice idea to incorporate in a little more to make a good setting.

Other than that, it was a really great chapter!


Author's Response: Hello!

I'm glad that you thought that Severus and Grace's personalities work together. I'm trying to be careful with for now, they fight. I'm just assuming here that if James Potter did have a sister, then Severus Snape would not get on with her (at least not right away).

She and Remus are very different...I'm glad you think the progression is coming along, though! I have plans...;).

Oh, yeah, thanks for pointing that out. I was still getting used to this odd word processor that I have and had no idea how to make accents or symbols. I'll have to go back and change that.

Ah, yeah. I'll give this another reread and see where I can eliminate some of the nicknames!

That's fantastic advice! I'll work on adding some descriptions. I suppose that I envision the settings and whathaveyou in my head while I'm writing, but generally neglect to add it into the actual story. I didn't realize that I was doing it, so thanks!

Thanks so much for all the help!!


 Report Review

Review #45, by Hogwarts27 Merlin Was a Slytherin

5th January 2014:
OK, this chapter gave the reader a lot of information we're not familiar with. Having more exposure to Grace's world was great, and you've got some really creative ideas here - quite imaginative - but you've thrown a lot at us. So I trust you'll give us reminders where needed to help jog our memories when this stuff comes up in the story. It was good that you broke up the info sections with some entertaining scenes, because there really was a lot to take in. I especially liked the scene where Grace won't ride a broom and I liked all the general banter between the characters. I love dialogue when it's well done, in character, and witty like this. I will gladly read mounds and mounds of it even it has nothing to do with the plot and goes off on a tangent. I will also happily read about characters going through an ordinary school day if it's well done - no plot required. So there. Those were the parts I liked best.

And I'll just put this out as well since I've just read your responses to my last couple reviews - if there's going to be heaps more heavy information, you might consider presenting it through character dialogue whenever possible rather than just through long blocks of infodump - because that would probably make it lighter on the reader to absorb and could make for some wonderfully intriguing scenes. Just a thought.

This was by no means a dull chapter to read, but parts of it were quite dense, making it a heavy read, but I think you're already aware of that judging by your author note. But one thing I'm sure of after reading this is that we are certainly in for a thrilling ride. I love adventure! And it ain't gonna be like nothin' we've seen before.

Oh, and while I was on your story, I also started thinking back to chapter 2, and if you wouldn't mind my throwing out an idea, I will, but you certainly don't have to use it.

Chapter 2 was where I struggled most with liking Grace because that's where all her socially inept behavior was demonstrated and I didn't know what to make of it. I would have embraced her much more easily had I known before I started reading that chapter what you shared with me in your review responses, that she's socially inept and why. Had I known that before reading the chapter, I also would NOT have thought McGonagall was too mild with Grace when she lifted that first year. I would've thought she was just being kind to a student who had special problems. So I wondered if it might be helpful to give the reader that information in the story somehow before the reader gets to see a demonstration of Grace's odd behavior. I don't know if you had a reason for keeping it out of the story - or did I just miss it somewhere? One way you might do it could be to have a very short scene of Dumbledore telling Minerva that Grace will be coming to Hogwarts. And in that scene he could warn Minerva about Grace's social ineptitude. He might even say that he's sure she'll quickly improve once she gets to Hogwarts - to assure the reader that the character will not be weird in their eyes forever. I got to thinking Grace was even a little bit like Ariana who was isolated because of her bizarre behavior. Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there for whatever it's worth (maybe zero) and leave it up to you. You've got excellent writer instincts and can decide what's best for the story.

I love reading your review responses by the way! And you don't have to rush to answer. We all know what it's like when the reviews pile up.

Author's Response: Hello!

There is definitely a ton of information in this chapter, which was one of the elements I was uncertain about. I didn't want the readers to become overwhelmed by so much new information, and I didn't want to obscure the writing with too much of it. I will be sure to give reminders throughout.

That's not a bad suggestion, and I will definitely take it into consideration. Since dialogue is action, it tends to flow a bit faster and easier than chunks of information presented in text. Thanks for that.

I also love adventure, which is why I'm probably struggling with some of the character relationship developments at the moment. I'm attempting to smooth them over.

While I have attempted to hint around Grace's social ineptitude with actions, I seem to be answering the same question over and again, "Why does Grace act like that?" I should probably more clearly indicate her issues. A scene between Albus and Minverva is a fantastic suggestion.

Thanks so much!

 Report Review

Review #46, by kenpo Words, Words, Words

4th January 2014:
First Scene:
Okay. I'm a freak. But it'll bother me if I don't say anything...
On that day, in Scotland, the sun rose at 6:17am, not 6:40am. (Oh god... I'm seriously such a freak.)

Remus(,) who had been making inquiries,(nocomma) since they had started, continued.

I love that you used "frantically" to describe how Grace speaks.

I'm luckily I had a functioning patronous charm.
Should just say: I'm lucky I had, or Luckily, I had
Is Patronus Charm a proper noun? Honestly not sure about that.

Okay, I liked this first scene. I didn't see whatever sentence you mentioned. When Remus is speaking it seems a bit awkward, but I like that. It would be an awkward situation, and I'm sure he wouldn't have much eloquence.

Second Scene:
The battle with the staircase made me chuckle. Grace is quite the character.

As a door softly clicked close above her, she was pulled from her thoughts.

To me, the structure of this implies two things happening at the same time rather than a cause and effect relationship (which I believe this is). Although the fact that it's in the passive voice could very well be a stylistic choice that you made.
A door clicked softly above her, pulling her from her thoughts.

Author's Response: I could hug you!

I've been trying to edit the earlier chapters, on my own and with some notes, and I really just want to cry! For some reason, while looking over my own work, I skim over typos (maybe it's because of the number of times I've rewritten some of them). Maybe I'll upload the chapters into Google docs and send them to myself ;). Then I can leave myself mean notes on proper grammar and dialogue.

Much to do about the messed up dates and such:

When I first wrote this, something happened that made the children arrive at Hogwarts before September 1st, 1976. Ultimately, I decided on not using that, because it really was not working. Although I was using a 1976 calendar to keep the dates/days of the week to real-life (for readers like you and my own sanity), I had changed the dates (although, I'm still unsure why the first couple chapters begin before the first of September... Anyway, there was some mild confusion while I was doing that so I still have to go back through and alter everything! :( Sorry about all of that. I've also noted that the full moon is on the 8th...and I will fix that. Also, bear with the dates until I get that mess sorted :(. Bad Rumpel.

;) I was unaware that the sun rose at 6:17 that day. I can easily fix that.

Oh commas... I will get better at commas! I do just fine, as long as I have the comma grammar rules open in front of me while I'm writing/editing. I'll have to do that more often.

Yeah, I need to capitalize Patronus Charm (not to mention, spell it correctly).

I think it bothers me that "and when and when" repeats. Although it makes sense, it sets of alarms in my head.

Yes, "A door clicked softly above her, pulling her from her thoughts" works much better than what I had. It was meant to be cause and effect. *Cough* Would you believe me if I told you that I wrote all of these chapters while I was asleep? No? Well, it was worth a shot.

Grace has some issues. It's not her fault...well, perhaps erasing memories should be known to be looked down upon...

I'm still playing around with Lily... you'll have to know what you let me think of her in the future.

The scars...will be explain eventually.

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure what I would think about a person like Grace coming into my life. I would probably hide from her.

Swearing at the Headmaster. I've fixed his reaction a bit, so that he doesn't act quite as calmly to the stimuli. I also made Grace apologize :).

I will put a he in there, then.

I'm not sure if Greyback is ever meant to be liked :p.

Albus is extremely difficult to characterize. I'll continue fighting with him until I can get him right.

I hadn't considered writing the scene as a memory, instead. It might assist in cutting down the word count in this gigantic chapter. Also, there's so much dialogue in this part! much dialogue... I think that's a fantastic idea.

Everything isn't supposed to be revealed quite yet (dear Rowling, the chapter would be so very long...), so I suppose it's good that you were a bit confused. I wanted to ease the readers into this. There's so much happening, and so much that needs to happen, that I'm afraid people are going to go into information overload.

*Cough* Yes, early September. I really, really, really need to fix the dates.

Memory erasing was intercepted. Grace tends to overstep some boundaries.

On the lack of Peter: I have been especially careful to include him, and make him a likeable (though mildly flamboyant) character. He doesn't play much of a role in this chapter, but I should go back to include him. He gets the spotlight for a moment in the next chapter, though. I haven't forgotten about poor Peter; he was a Marauder, after all.

The Snivellus thing was my excuse for non-twisted humor. I made myself laugh, though I'm not sure how many others reacted the same way.


 Report Review

Review #47, by Hogwarts27 Hostage

3rd January 2014:
Oh, I'm glad I went on to one more chapter tonight. This was hilarious. The dialogue was perfect. The mayhem was brilliant. And Grace's social ineptness feels like such a NEEDED part of the story here, because were it not for that, this whole incident would never have started.

I loved the line - like the delicate flower that she was she grabbed hold of Regulus. Just wonderful subtle humor that I hope no one missed.

And then there was such a touching part at the end where Grace contemplates Peter as the future killer of Lily and James. And I agree with her because I even like Peter in this fic, so thank you for writing that way, because he ought to be as likeable as any of the marauders during his Hogwarts years.

This chapter was another one of your best. I loved it to pieces.

Author's Response: This chapter was fun to write, so I'm happy that you enjoyed it. Since I have to focus some chapters on character development, character relationship development, and character introduction, I've been attempting to make them at least entertaining.

Aw, thanks! It doesn't exactly flow with some of the other narration, but I slipped it in anyway. This chapter was definitely the result of an odd mood.

Since Peter was a Marauder, I can only assume that he would have to be somewhat likeable. He's been fun to play around with, for the time being.

Thanks (again) so very much!


 Report Review

Review #48, by Hogwarts27 Amends and Negligence

3rd January 2014:
Hi. This chapter was a fun read. I'm growing accustomed to how you write Grace and starting to understand her better from what you've told me in your review responses, because her quirky behavior just doesn't seem very odd anymore. All the student banter back and forth was a fun read, your character dialogue was entertaining and in character, and I'm glad things got smoothed over with Remus.

The dueling scene was good. I enjoyed seeing what Grace's abilities were like. And now I can't wait to see her in action against a real demon of some sort.

Now don't take this as any sort of crit - it's just a funny thought. While she was racing back to the infirmary after her book, the thought suddenly struck me - Are you a witch or what? Use Accio! Oh lord, I just laughed. And then when Remus took out the marauder's map - I'd completely forgotten he'd have that. Yeah! The Marauder's map! This was such a great mix of the old and the new.

Fun read. And your usual fine writing. I'm glad I found this story. I'm having a great time reading it.

Author's Response: Hey there!

I'm very happy that you're beginning to become accustom to Grace's uncouth nature. She's my little project, so to speak. I enjoy playing with dialogue, so I'm glad that you found it entertaining.

The demon action doesn't happen for a few chapters, but there's some background/historical information. That could either prove boring or entertaining. I'll hope for entertaining.

:D She does that at times. Because she wasn't originally a witch when I wrote her, sometimes "she" forgets to use magic to make her life easier ;). The Marauder's map, where shenanigans are formulated!

Thanks so much for all of your comments; they are extremely fun to read.

 Report Review

Review #49, by Hogwarts27 A Rat in the Kitchens

3rd January 2014:
After the intensity of the last chapter, I think you did a nice transisiton into this one with Grace's visions of Albus falling. I also think you're making Grace fit in nicely with the Marauders. I like how you wove the Veil into all that vampire info. Now I see the logic of how characters could get resurrected from the 'dead'. This ends my reading session for the night, but I'll definitely be returning to this story.

Author's Response: I'm glad that you took a pause because I didn't think I was going to ever catch up with your reviews ;).

I feel obligated to tell you to be wary of the last two posted chapters, if you make it that far. Something happened that doesn't quite sit with me well. I'm planning on fighting with them while doing my editing sweep. However, if you do get to them, I would love to hear your opinions on them. Perhaps then I will be able to make some discernible changes.

Thanks so much for reading! I hope that you are able to continue to enjoy the story!


 Report Review

Review #50, by Hogwarts27 Words, Words, Words

3rd January 2014:
WOW, I'm sitting here speechless at how good this was. Incredibly well-written. I loved the whole chapter, my favorite so far. Don't change a word. Yes, do change some words - there are a lot of typos in the early part of this chapter, enough to make me have to reread sentences several times to get their meaning. You'll spot them easily enough on your own.

I loved the tension in the Snape scene. When Snape showed up, I'd actually forgotten Grace was supposed to have had a child with him. So when the swearword came, I had to laugh. Grace is so normal in this chapter (compared to the last chapter) that I really liked her in this one without any reservations. For the first time in the story, I actually care what happens to her. All the canon characters were in character as well. I give you a standing ovation for this chapter. It was absolutely brilliant from start to finish.

Author's Response: Hey!

I'm pretty speechless on how lovely this review is! Yes, I need to give my chapters another editing sweep and clean up some of those pesky errors :). I apologize for having to read through them.

Grace is beginning to have some more structure in this chapter, as far as her character development is concerned. I'm glad she's making some kind of impact on you as a reader.

Thanks so much!! This was so sweet!


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>