Reading Reviews for All That Glitters
  
45 Reviews Found

Review #26, by Jchrissy Beginning of the End

13th September 2012:
Hi there :)! So happy to get the chance to pay you back for all your wonderful reviews. On a side note, if my slots are ever full and you need an opinion immediately, you can always PM me the story and the link!

Anyway! I LOVE being thrown into stories. It's easily one of my favorite techniques. It gets things moving and I don't have to read pages of back story which, I'm confident at some point, will come out in better ways than if you were to just start off why she was here what she was doing and all that.

The mood was phenomenal, as wells as your characters thought process. Everyone experiences true terror in different ways, she clearly is trying to avoid her own situation by letting her mind wander, and I really loved that because it kept me more entertained than 2,000 words on how scared she was.

I always imagined there had to be a very serious test to become a death eater, so I liked that this plays into my head canon. My one CC is her killing the man. I feel like we've had it drilled into our brains from lovely Bellatrix and I think at one section Voldy himself that you have to mean the curse. And her whispering an apology makes me really think she wouldn't have meant it enough for it to kill him. Maybe a brief though on why she was there, the smile of her mother and the knowledge that she'd be murdered, just whatever it is that has driven her to this.. can be in the back of her mind to get her that necessary motivation to end this mans life, to mean it enough to cast the curse.

And I'm guessing we are going to be backpedaling in this, right? If so I'm excited, that's another style choice I really enjoy.

I think this first chapter did everything one should and more. I'm intrigued, I'm emotional for this girl who so obviously didn't want to be there, and I want to know what's happening.

I hope this was helpful, thanks for requesting!

Jami

Author's Response: bah, Jami, you amazing, you know that right? I actually forgot completely that i requested this from you and was shocked to see a new review for this story! It made my day safe to say :D

I'm so pleased that this wasn't jolting or disorientating because there really is no backstory in the chapter. Or, very little and i'm never a fan when the author just vomits all the info in the first chapter. I'd rather let the info come to me in small bits and pieces. I'm glad that i've done it well enough in the chapter. Also, the way this story is structured, there is going to be a lot of times that things don't exactly make perfect sense because yes, this story is going backwards from this moment on and things won't be lead up to like they are in normal stories. Sometimes, things happen and there is no reason as of yet why they've occurred because it happened in their past.

That leads me to you critique and I do get where you coming from. The idea that you have to mean the curse is something i've thought of and the fact that it worked can only mean one thing. She does mean it even if she's sad that she has to do it. I think that because it works it points to the idea that there is some serious motivation for her to be here because it's clear she doesn't, it clear she's terrified, and even with that we see, in the end that she does have the power to kill someone point blank. I think it's possible for someone to feel sorrow for their actions but can still go and do terrible things and mean what they do because there is little other choice. There were plenty of people in the war who were blackmailed into joining the cause or if you think of RL in WWII were some Germans or SSers didn't believe in the cause but were forced to do horrible things. That didn't stop them from committing terrible acts on humanity. If it means life or death i think it could. I personally like that we don't know the exact reasons why she means it but as a reader i can understand how that may be annoying so i think i'll try to make a but more explicit that she's here trying to save her family or make it clearer that she does mean it. (that will become 100% clearer however in the next chapter :D)

Thank you so much for reviewing this piece Jami, you are the best :D


 Report Review

Review #27, by Sapphire_Skies Beginning of the End

17th April 2012:
This was interesting, but it sort of divided me. On the one hand, you did really well establishing such a dark mood and at times, I loved your description, for example the line ‘the dark, dank feeling that cloaked the room like mildew, grew like death’ is wonderful and so emotive. Lines like this really set the scene for me. However, I felt that often, the dark mood was spoiled by what your character was thinking, like thinking about the pumpkin pasties when she’s in that sort of situation, or about her friend asking for an autograph just before she’s going to kill someone. It felt immature and frivolous at such an important time, and didn’t felt too light hearted to be realistic. Sure, people would think about their friends and families at such times, and later on, when the character was about to kill the man, you did it very realistically, but those examples I’ve given really felt out of place.

I was also wondering how the character came to be in the situation in the first place. I think there ought to have been some background to what was happening rather than throwing the reader into the middle of the action because I found it confusing, and also I was sceptical. Sceptical about the chances of those sorts of things actually happening to your character because there’s nothing there to tell me why someone would be in that situation. Along the same vein, a little more detail about who your character is would have been good as well, just so I had something to go on; her age, her situation, whether she was still at school or not. Perhaps things like this come up in later chapters, but it would have been nice to have a couple of hints here.

Overall, I thought this was interesting, and you certainly have a gift for description, but I think you need to work how your character’s thoughts and actions impact on your writing and the mood you’ve created.

Author's Response: Hi, first off, thank you for coming by and giving me your honest opinion. I really appreciate your concerns and thoughts.

I understand some of your concerns about disrupting the flow and it had been something I thought about after it had been written and worried that people might be annoyed at it. But the more i thought about it the more i felt like it fit with my character and how she relates to life. I don't know if you've ever been in a really serious situation and had the most inappropriate thought cross your mind? That's sort of what's happening here. I haven't gotten much flak for it so I've left it all in.

Anyway, I also find that it's easy to write a scene that's super dark and super intense emotionally but it just seems really typical. I didn't start it out with this in mind but it sort of came that i wanted to try and balance out a few different feelings at once.

Anyway, about the confusion, it's hard doing it the way i'm doing it since it's in reverse chronologic order. So we start the story knowing the answer but not the question. Which isn't what our minds are used to, we want to know what leads to this moment first, we want that background info, but back to one of your other points at the beginning of the review, in this moment, will she actually be thinking about her age? Or thinking about going to school? That seems, to me, extraneous thoughts for something like this. I started writing this to see if I could explore in those moments when your life is about to change what things will flash before you mind in that moment. We'll be finding out a lot of the things you asked as she starts remembering back onto her life in later chapters. I actually like the ambiguity here. I don't necessarily think that a whole bunch of background information is needed in the first chapter. It really annoys me sometime when the author just shoots out a lot of info at you in the first chapter and forgets to put in the plot because i'm not going to keep reading if there is just a bunch of stuff about the character that isn't important to the immanent moment. I may be wrong with that thought though.

Again though, i do really appreciate your comments and opinion and you have given me something to think about. :D I hope you haven't taken my comments back harshly or anything i'm just trying to explain where i'm coming from with this as well. Thanks for stopping by! ;D


 Report Review

Review #28, by The Empty Frame Beginning of the End

20th March 2012:
Very interesting first chapter! I really like your scenery descriptions and the imagery you use. And the whole chapter just gives off this feeling of despair and resignation... gives me the chills!

Green With Envy 2012!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much! I'm so pleased that you feel the emotion here and that you can imagine this. I feel like with first person, although i love writing 1st person, it has to be very present and descriptive for it to be a good piece. It's always a challenge, for me anyway, and i'm glad that you liked the starting of this. :D Thanks for your thoughts!

 Report Review

Review #29, by academica Beginning of the End

18th March 2012:
Hello! I'm here from the TGS Review Exchange :) Also, this marks my 600th review. You've helped me meet a personal goal!

I really loved the way you set the scene here. Your vivid descriptions really made my skin crawl, and I could feel the fear and hatred that your main character felt as the events unfolded. It was interesting to see the other characters through her eyes, as she's obviously got a bias against many of them. This was a really mysterious beginning, and I think you've done a good job of balancing the fact that your reader has questions (How did she get to this point? Why is she becoming a Death Eater, since it does seem like that is what is happening?) with the need to draw the reader in and make him or her want to proceed onward to the next chapter.

I think the flow of this chapter is very nice, and I didn't spot any major errors with regard to spelling, grammar or punctuation. There was one tiny thing I wanted to point out; where you say "now that... I looked into his metal face - I could agree with", it should probably be two dashes on either side of 'I looked into his metal face', not an ellipsis and a dash. That makes more sense and it would be symmetrical.

Very nice work! I'm glad I got to exchange with you :)

Amanda
green with envy 2012

Author's Response: oh yahh 600!! I'm so honoured ;D

Thank you, i'm glad i was able to read your story as well, i don't read a lot of Teddy/Victoire and you wrote them so well!

Anyway, thank you for your comments, i really wanted to explore what it might have been like for a character sort of coerced into joining them and how that would have affected them. You know how Hargrid? Or Dumbleodore? I'm not sure who said it, but someone was talking about how back in those days there was more dark than light and may people being blackmailed into joining. I don't see this a lot in fanfiction and i really wanted to explore it. It's so great to hear that the emotions and the description were here! Thanks you so much for your comments!

-zayne


 Report Review

Review #30, by Snoopyy Beginning of the End

18th March 2012:
This was wonderfully written and an amazing gem of a chapter. I was dragged in right away from the choise of words and such deep emotion. However the thing about the train confused me so I did look back through the reviews and noticed other people have asked and that was just a memory. Perhaps you should just check back and re word that a little as I just got generally confused.

The depth of emotion crammed into under 2,000 words stuns me, but you pulled it off really well. I never thought it imaginable to put that much emotion into a few words, but now I think about that in another light.

There were no grammatical errors and the wording was perfect. (except for the train bit) You described Elenor perfetly so I could feel like I was really connecting with her and I could feel and see the same as she did.

An amazingly written story, one which I will definatly be continueing with to read through all the chapters. Amazing job, i'm impressed.

Snoopy x
Hufflepuff

Author's Response: Hi Snoopy!

Thank you for stopping by and giving me your thoughts! And THANK YOU for mentioning the train thing again. That was just a memory that was flashing through her mind and i meant to fix it ages ago but i forgot! Thanks for pointing that out.

I'm so glad you liked this chapter and felt i got the emotion spot on. I really didn't want to muck it up! Getting initiated is a tough thing and i wanted to portray what might it have been for someone who wasn't for their cause and who didn't even want to be part of the war. Thank you so much for your kind words!



 Report Review

Review #31, by Voldy Needs a Hug Beginning of the End

26th February 2012:
I really enjoyed this chapter. It really drew me in, and I wanted to keep reading, just from skimming this chapter. You have a really strong main character. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hi! thank you so much for stopping by with a review!! Ah! I love unsolicited reviews so so much and i've been grinning like a little school girl when i saw that i received 4 from you! I'm glad you like the main girl so far, she's been a gag to write! thank you so much for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #32, by LilyFire Beginning of the End

15th February 2012:
You're character seems very strong. She seems almost as if she's being forced into this, but also like she's choosing it at the same time. (I'm not sure how to else to explain it. I'm not saying it's a bad thing either-just a general observation I'm sure will be explained in a later chapter).

I really like her though. And I like that we're seeing someone on the other side of the war (besides Regulas, Snape, and Peter, that is, since we know the basics of their story). I like the fact that she's a female Death Eater. I know some people say Bella was the only female, but I can't see that being true.

The flow is great, it really is. Like I said, I can't really tell if she's chosen to be there or if it's been forced upon her, but that doesn't ruin any of the story. It just adds a bit of mystery. Like this line, "I wanted to vomit, preferably on them," makes you think she doesn't want to be their, but then she chooses to kill this innocent (or not so innocent) person. I think this story is going to be great!
~Lily

Author's Response: Hi LilyFire,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and i really appreciate you liking my chracter so well. It is indeed explained later on about her feelings towards the war and the situation she found herself in.

I thought it would be interesting to see the DE's from a different persepective as well and it is definitely lacking in a female voice but if you remember that one conversation where... (was it Sirius or Hagrid that said this) that was saying that at one point it seemed like there was more people turning dark than there was light. I sort of wanted to explore that kind of idea and I don't think they could have ever said that if females weren't involved as well.

Thank you again for your comments and thoughts!


 Report Review

Review #33, by VioletBlade Beginning of the End

3rd February 2012:
Hi there! VioletBlade here with your requested review! Wow, was this ever different. But it was good! (Originality is ALWAYS good)

Since most of your areas of concern I usually address anyway, I will make sure to cover them as extensively as I can!

Plot: I think you've created a plot line which is very believable. It's hard for me to imagine a girl who thinks the Death Eaters are pure filfth would kill for them, but then again, I don't know what led her to this moment. And I think that is the thing that most intrigues me. I want to know what was so important that she would sacrifice a human being's life for acceptance into a group she could barely be in without vomiting. It was definitely an original idea, and I think your story does indeed have the potential to go somewhere. It was eerie and dark so I haven't seen much humor, except when she's bragging about herself becoming a famous poet from one line :) I find myself actually attracted to stories that have a darker beginning, one with mystery. It keeps me wanting to read on.

Characterization: I will assume your main character's name is Eleanor (great name choice, by the way! It's my little niece's name =]) and so far, I don't know too much about her, except that she's been inducted into the Death Eater's gang. She seems like a well-balanced character, not crazily cruel (like Bellatrix), human enough to know that killing that man will change her entire life and that she will never be able to forget him for as long as she lives. She is a believable character so far, and one I would definitely like to get to know better!

Grammar: I didn't see anything that stood out to me here!

Overall, I think this definitely has the potential to go somewhere. I'm interested to know everything that's happen to your character, which is a good thing, as it definitely means I'm intrigued! I hope I helped some with my review!Thanks for requesting from me! :)

-VioletBlade

Author's Response: Hey! You review has been great. It is hard to see why anyone would do that, but that does come into in the next chapter to explain a bit of her motivation. Humour isn't a huge deal of this story at the moment, there are just images of it and she has a very wry sense of humour so sometiems it doesn't seem like she's being funny. But again, it's not really a moment for humour.

I love that you like her name, it just seemed to suit her for some reason. I'm glad that she seems good so far, she is an interesting character, and i'm not just saying this because i created her, but she's fun to explore.

Thank you so much for your review :D


 Report Review

Review #34, by HoneyDukesKid Beginning of the End

19th January 2012:
Woah! So trippy! I like it. I get the feeling the Eleanor is a bit of a goody-two-shoes which makes all of these goings-on really interesting. I want to know more about why she's doing this and what she thinks about You-Know-Who and exactly what Sirius did and how the story's going to play out. Which means you've got me hooked. I usually don't like not knowing what's going on, but you've written this so well (and it was short so it's not like I'm tired out after a long attempt at trying to get my bearings) that I'll be reading more.

Really, wonderful job! Keep up the good work.

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much! I don't usually get non-requested reviews, especially from people i don't know well so waking up this morning and seeing this here really made my day!

I suppose I can see how she might be interpreted as a goody-two-shoes type girl. It's interesting for me to see how people view my character and see things that I didn't even see myself, or i may not have thought to think of her as such but there are definite parts of her that are like that. Characters have a weird way of fleshing themselves out.

I'm so pleased that you've enjoyed this first chapter and i do hope you continue on reading on. I've had a couple readers mention that it was just too ambiguous to really like so i'm glad that it does make sense, or least, pulls you into it ;D Thanks for the review :D


 Report Review

Review #35, by javct Beginning of the End

13th January 2012:
Javct45 here with your review!

Wow, what a start to a story; I really liked it :D I think this is the first non-cliche'd (well, so far) Sirus/OC that i've read :)

The style of the story is good so far. I loved the imagery that you used, I could really imagine everything that was happening and you also portrayed Eleanor's confusion and emotions really well.

There was one thing that confused me a little (it may just be really obvious and i'm missing it cause I'm so tired haha) but at the start of the chapter you say that she is boarding the Hogwarts Express and then the next thing we know she is killing someone. Is it a memory? Or is she killing him on the Express? (I highly doubt that haha).

However, I like this is going. Can't wait to read chapter two!
*Jaz, 9/10

Author's Response: Hi, thank you so much for your comments! I almost died a little inside when i read your comment about the Sirius/OC non-cliche. I'm so pleased because that is exactly what i'm trying to go for is to explore a relationship between them that isn't cliche. I'm so pleased you feel like it isn't so far, it's only the first chapter though, but it is something i'm working really hard on. I feel like if Sirius was to fall in love at all, it would have been accidently or maybe he wouldn't even have realized he was. I'm hoping it stays far from being cliche because there is way too many out there that are :D

About the train, gosh, you're the second person to mention confusion on that part. I'm going to have to go back and reword that a bit. It's just a memory not her actually killing on the train. It's like when you're about to change your life you look back and see how you've come to this point. This is a theme of this whole story, the idea of how we become who we are.

Thanks again for all your lovely comments and thanks for taking the time to review ;D


 Report Review

Review #36, by DracoFerret11 Beginning of the End

13th January 2012:
Hello there, it's DarkRose from the forums, here with your review! :]

One word: wow. I literally am just...very impressed. This was an incredibly powerful first chapter. I'll touch on the things you wanted my opinions on, and then I'll see if I have anything else to say. So, here we go.

Style: I thought your style was beautiful. Structure is really a part of this and I couldn't find flaw in how you wrote this. I thought the style was beautiful and immensely powerful for a character that we currently know nothing about. I really could FEEL the emotions here and that impressed me a lot.

Flow: definitely on par. Not too much to go on yet, but this chapter went along nicely. No complaints here. :]

Plot: well, you obviously have something interesting here! I definitely think you've hooked readers with this opening chapter. It makes them want to know how this girl got to this point and what happened to make her this way. And how Sirius works into it all! I'm interested, for sure. :]

Characterization: this was pretty great. There were a couple of places where it slipped (at the beginning where she was thinking how much she hated the other Death Eaters), but mostly it was good. I didn't quite understand how she mustered enough hate to kill the man though. The Avada Kedavra requires that you really have to MEAN it, but maybe we'll learn about that later. The dark humor was appreciated, but I'm interested to see how you'll work it through the rest of the story. Good luck! :]

Overall, I think you did very well. I was surprised how dramatic the whole thing was. I really felt connected to the character and felt a lot of sympathy for her situation. I can't wait to see where she came from. I'll read chapter two ASAP!

Great job, keep up the good work!

--Emily

Author's Response: Hi Emily, all i have to say is WOW, thank you for this lovely review! You've made me squee so much reading all your comments and i'm so pleased that you think i have a nice story here.

As for the characterization comment, i'm not sure exactly what you mean when it slipped with the Death Eaters, but i'll take a look. I hope that more understanding with how she's come to be able to mean it will come as the chapters go on. I think, for her, the fact that she COULD kill someone sort of shocked her as well. I think that each one of us has the ability to do what she's done, given the right circumstances. It wasn't exactly hate, i think for Avada Kedavra to work, you just have to mean it, and really mean it and want the person dead. This is how i interpret it anyway.

Thans again for your lovely review and kind words and am so pleased that you think this is a good story. :D

-zayne


 Report Review

Review #37, by ashling586 Beginning of the End

12th January 2012:
I am not sure what I think of this chapter. I have no real clue who the character is that is speaking, and it was a bit hard at first to even figure out what was going on. By the end I had figured out that the speaker was being initiated into the death eaters, but I really don't anything about the speaker to make any real comments on them.
You did a great job keeping it in first person, and the details were nice. I just wish I knew more about who this speaker is. I felt the flow was nice and the pace was good. I didn't notice any major grammar problems.

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the review :D It was supposed to be a bit ambiguous and it is hard to comment on character in the first chapter anyway. Thanks for taking the time to review :D

 Report Review

Review #38, by AC_rules Beginning of the End

4th January 2012:
Hello there :) Acrules from the forums here with your requested review.

I really like that you've gone for a completely orginal take on this - you have a Death Eater as the main girl, I like that, and I think you also mentioned somewhere that she's a hufflepuff - which is wonderful unique. I love a good hufflepuff, me, and I'm really intrigued to see where this story goes next - so you've got me on your side so far :)

When I first read it I was really confused. I think thats just because its late and I'm a bit stupid when I'm tired, but at first it just didn't make sense to me at all. Of course when I read it back it was fine and I was like 'oh you idiot AC' but I think what got me so mixed up was the section where she's talking about things from the past (mentioning boarding the Hogwarts express for the first time). Maybe you should humour all the tired readers like me and just change it so that it's undeniably obvious what she's talking about. Just mentioning the word memories at some point would work :)

A couple of the tangents were a little confusing too. I liked the humour of the one about cake (although I want cake now - you meanie :( ) but that one about Sirius threw me for a second (but like I said - sooo tirreddd). Then again, I liked how you mentioned Sirius in a way that makes it obvious he was significance - and now I really want to know how they knew each other and how she wound up here.

There were a couple of grammar-y sense-y things that I saw dotted about, but most of the time it was pretty good. Flow wise. it was reallly good through the whole thing, except thoes moments I mentioned above. I liked the pace too.

Believability? I haven't read anything that isn't believable yet, although I'd have to really find out about all her background and HOW she arrived he to be able to really make a judgement on it. So far though, I'm completely with you.

I really enjoyed it all so far and some bits of it were just fantastic (particuarlly the last line and the cohesion there - I love a cyclic ending me, and that one was no exception). Lovely start to what looks to be a really intersting story :)

-AC

Author's Response: Hi AC! Thank so much for stopping by!

I'm glad you think it's unique so far, i'm trying to explore something that i haven't read in ff much which is someone from a house other than Slytherin and how they turned bad. I mean doesn't Sirius or perhaps Hagrid... someone anyway said that there seemed to be more bad than good back then. I just thought it be interesting to look at.

I will go back through it to make sure everything is crystal clear just for the tired of mind. :D Thanks for those pointers and i will keep them in mind when i edit (which is usually ... always, i seem to be always constantly dissatisfied with everything i write and i enjoy the delete button way too much ;D)

Thanks again for stopping by and giving me your thoughts, they are very much appreciated.


 Report Review

Review #39, by daliha Beginning of the End

29th December 2011:
With such a dark start you managed to incorporate humor heck I smiled when she spoke about the caludron cakes. (I too am denied sweets XD) But it's a great start, I especially like the title of the story.

Also the ending paragraph it's gotten me curious so I'll go on to chap two.

Author's Response: hehehe, i'm glad you found the humour. She's such a fun character to play around with. She's so laid back hardly takes things seriously, unless its sweets and come on, if i was denied sweets i'd probably be thinking the same thing as her :D

I'm estatic that you like the title, i have huge ISSUES with picking titles but this one just came to me and it fits perfectly i think.

I'm glad your interested in going to chapter two and i hope you let me know what you think with that as well :D (hint hint nudge nudge ;D) Thanks for stopping by to review


 Report Review

Review #40, by Arithmancy_Wiz Beginning of the End

27th November 2011:
Hi, SilentConfession. I'm here filling your review request. I'm going to review both chapters and give my general comment about plot and characters and such at the end, but I wanted to pause here and make a few specific notes on this chapter. As promised, I'm going to be critical but I mean it only to be helpful and hopefully it is taken as such...and, of course, it's only my opinion in the end and can be ignored as you see fit :)

I like that you've basically started off with a prologue of sorts here. I assume from the way this chapter ended, much of the story that follows will show what brought your character to this point in her life. I think it's great to give readers a sense of what is to come/the path the story will take, without, of course, giving it all away up front.

I'm not going to "beta" the chapter but I did want to point out that there are few sentences that are not particularly clear. I think some may be typos/missing words, but others you may want to think about tweaking a bit so your meaning is clearer. Below are a few that stood out to me:

The dark, dank feeling cloaked the room like mildew that grew like death. It was suffocating. I think they fed on it like cockroaches, the filth.

I like the imagery and atmosphere you are building here, but if you really break this down, it doesn't completely make sense. How does mildew grow like death? Or are you referring to the dank feeling growing like death, in which case you need to restructure the sentence so your simile is more clear. Also, did "they" feed on the darkness or the filth? Or are you calling "them" filth? If it's the latter, I would make "the filth" its own little sentence, or maybe even capitalize filth as you are using it almost like a name.

I hadn't know him, his face had been covered, as they had covered mine with their cold metal, I tried to tell myself he had no other choice.

This is just a run-on sentence. Make the "I tried..." its own sentence. A comma alone isn't sufficient to attach it.

Finally they raised my wand into the candlelight; they were stripping it or something, making sure there was no tracing charm and whatnot. I heard once from someone that once they did that, the wand would never be the same.

This one makes sense but it's clunky, which is a shame because I love the idea that what they are doing to her wand damages it. That is such a great detail (and rather clever) that is so very death eater-y. The "something" and "whatnot" weaken the point. If she knows the result of their actions on her wand, then why is she so unsure what to call the action? Also, you use "once" twice, within three words of each other. Keep an eye out for word repetition like that.

I bet if he said that if they jumped on one foot for one whole day then next they'd meet their true that they'd believe him.

I think this may be the case of a simple word missing. Maybe true LOVE?

Now that...I looked into his metal face that I could agree with.

Technically, as written, this sentence suggests that (1) the man has more than one metal face and (2) she is looking into the one face she could agree with. I'm pretty sure you mean: Now that – I looked into his metal face – I could agree with.

He was whimpering and I noticed his eyes never left the floor but remained bowed his deep submission as he was threw him at my feet.

I think this may be another case of typos, as it doesn't make sense as written. Perhaps: He was whimpering, and I noticed his eyes never left the floor but remained bowed in submission as they threw him at my feet.

Overall, I like what you are working to do with this chapter. It sets the scene, it introduces the character at a moment that presents the reader with lots of questions and makes them want to read on. It has atmosphere and glimpses of humor. It just needs polished up a bit. Make sure each sentence actually says what you mean it to say. If a reader has to go back and read something again, it pulls you out of the story.

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to point out these errors, i really appreciate the critique and you have some wonderful pointers. I have such an issue with missing words because when i read it, i read it as if the word is there. I've recently picked up a beta who will hopefully help with these so that it get's a second pair of eyes.

I understand about the grow like death comment- i've been thinking about it and i suppose the only reason it's there is that i really liked the sound of it. When i wrote it myself and didn't strip it down to what it meant, or didn't mean. I'm not entirely sure if i will change it as it still evokes the feeling i want from it but i will try and figure out if i can rephrase it or find better words to express it

I'm glad there are at least glimpses of humour, i'm not a humour writer and this challenge has definitely been difficult for me as a writer. I find that humour is the hardest thing to translate on screen. I've tried constructing a character though that it's built into so that i don't have to try to be funny but let her do the talking.

Thank you again for all these comments and taking the time to point them out!


 Report Review

Review #41, by ginerva_molly_weasley Beginning of the End

26th November 2011:
Here's your review from review tag!

I really like this story. The amount of detail that's within it building up the atmosphere and the tension is just completely sensational.

Throwing the reader straight into the action sets the intrigue working to make us think well how did she get into that situation, which makes us want to read on

Well done
10/10

GinevraMollyPotter

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for chosing this story to review and all your kind words! I'm glad you felt like it was a sensation ;D that's a huge compliment :D Thank you again for your lovely words, i'm pleased you enjoyed it :D

 Report Review

Review #42, by Beeezie Beginning of the End

14th November 2011:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!

Before I even started reading this, I was really excited and intrigued, because you're moving backwards. I love that.

I was not disappointed.

It can be difficult to jump straight into a scene like this without setting the stage and introducing the characters at least to some extent first - it often comes off (to me, at least) as awkward and disjointed. However, that was definitely not the case here. There were a few points that were a bit confusing and that I felt could have been tightened up (which I'll get to in a bit), but on the whole, this worked really well. You've given enough context with the story summary for me to immediately understand that the "them" in the first paragraph are "death eaters." That meant that everything she's thinking about how wrong this was and her flashbacks to the rest of her life made sense. They make me wonder how she got to this point, but I'm wondering in a good way - I want to keep reading to find out.

Sorry, I'm having trouble getting over this and talking about everything else. It's just so hard to start in such a charged situation and introduce a lot of questions without having it come across as confusing and too ambiguous, and you've managed to do that without giving us much more information about your OC than that she was a Hufflepuff, is becoming a death eater, and knew Sirius and someone named Amelia. It's something a lot of authors (including myself) have trouble with, and you've really done an excellent job.

I find your OC to be especially well-done, at least so far. You asked if she was believable. Absolutely! I don't know much about her yet, but her feelings throughout the chapter felt very realistic to me, and I'm interested to see how she came to this point. Her thoughts aren't just realistic, however - they're distinctive. I'm already starting to get a sense of who she is as a person, which is especially commendable considering how little I know about her. I especially liked her thoughts about the "bumbling sweaty pig" and how she tried to tell herself that he had no other choice. Even her killing the person felt like it fit in with the rest of the piece - the way that she was almost expecting him to move, and her realizing that he wouldn't, and that she did mean it, worked really, really well.

Okay. So clearly I loved this, but as I mentioned above, there were a few places that felt a bit too ambiguous, and I'm going to point them out. When she talks about not knowing the bumbling, sweaty pig and "them" covering her face with their cold metal, I was a bit confused. I think that you were talking about the death eater masks, but I would have liked to see a tiny bit more clarity there. I was also a bit confused about what they were doing to her wand. Finally, I wasn't really sure why the room was getting hotter - was she just feeling hotter, or was the heat actually rising? Why?

On the whole, though, this was really terrific. Great job! Just as a reminder, I only review one chapter at a time, but if this was helpful, please feel free to rerequest. :)

Author's Response: Ah! Thank you for your loong and lovely review! I love them! So helpful, i'm glad you thought the first chapter was good, i too was worried if people would get aggrivated by the ambiguity of it all. Thank you again for taking the time to review this!

 Report Review

Review #43, by CloakAuror9 Beginning of the End

12th November 2011:
Ooo...mysteries!!

Your description is a wow! It's so...powerful and amazing! Yes, the story and the start is very very believable.

I like the way you kept the story a half-mystery thing to the readers, and it keeps me frustrated because I am now left to wonder...

The flow is really good. You made all the bits and pieces work together as a whole.

This story has potential,
CloakAuror9

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by! Your review is very encouraging! Thank you so much!

 Report Review

Review #44, by slytherinchica08 Beginning of the End

8th November 2011:
Wow your description in this chapter is amazing! I absolutely loved how you opened up this story! It all flowed so well together and was a great opening. It gave us an idea of where your going to take this story but still so much more that we dont know to keep us interested! I love this chapter and I'm interested to learn more about your character Eleanor. You have a great beginning here and I can't wait to see where this story goes. Great Job!

~Slytherinchica08~

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your lovely words i'm pleased you felt like it flowed well together. I'm super excited about this project and wish i had the time to write the next chapter, which is going to bring a completely new and lovely flaire to it. Thank you again for taking the time to review :D

 Report Review

Review #45, by ginnypotter242 Beginning of the End

6th November 2011:
Hello there :)

Ooh this was good. It had a fair amount of mystery, and suspense. I wanted to know what would happen next! The descriptions were great too, I could feel the whole atmosphere of where she was. I really liked this :) Great job :D

~Sara (puppyluv242)

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for reviewing me :D I'm so pleased that you liked it and that you felt the atmosphere and the emotion!

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>