Hi there! VioletBlade here with your requested review! Wow, was this ever different. But it was good! (Originality is ALWAYS good)
Since most of your areas of concern I usually address anyway, I will make sure to cover them as extensively as I can!
Plot: I think you've created a plot line which is very believable. It's hard for me to imagine a girl who thinks the Death Eaters are pure filfth would kill for them, but then again, I don't know what led her to this moment. And I think that is the thing that most intrigues me. I want to know what was so important that she would sacrifice a human being's life for acceptance into a group she could barely be in without vomiting. It was definitely an original idea, and I think your story does indeed have the potential to go somewhere. It was eerie and dark so I haven't seen much humor, except when she's bragging about herself becoming a famous poet from one line :) I find myself actually attracted to stories that have a darker beginning, one with mystery. It keeps me wanting to read on.
Characterization: I will assume your main character's name is Eleanor (great name choice, by the way! It's my little niece's name =]) and so far, I don't know too much about her, except that she's been inducted into the Death Eater's gang. She seems like a well-balanced character, not crazily cruel (like Bellatrix), human enough to know that killing that man will change her entire life and that she will never be able to forget him for as long as she lives. She is a believable character so far, and one I would definitely like to get to know better!
Grammar: I didn't see anything that stood out to me here!
Overall, I think this definitely has the potential to go somewhere. I'm interested to know everything that's happen to your character, which is a good thing, as it definitely means I'm intrigued! I hope I helped some with my review!Thanks for requesting from me! :)
-VioletBladeAuthor's Response: Hey! You review has been great. It is hard to see why anyone would do that, but that does come into in the next chapter to explain a bit of her motivation. Humour isn't a huge deal of this story at the moment, there are just images of it and she has a very wry sense of humour so sometiems it doesn't seem like she's being funny. But again, it's not really a moment for humour.
I love that you like her name, it just seemed to suit her for some reason. I'm glad that she seems good so far, she is an interesting character, and i'm not just saying this because i created her, but she's fun to explore.
Thank you so much for your review :D Report Review
Woah! So trippy! I like it. I get the feeling the Eleanor is a bit of a goody-two-shoes which makes all of these goings-on really interesting. I want to know more about why she's doing this and what she thinks about You-Know-Who and exactly what Sirius did and how the story's going to play out. Which means you've got me hooked. I usually don't like not knowing what's going on, but you've written this so well (and it was short so it's not like I'm tired out after a long attempt at trying to get my bearings) that I'll be reading more.
Really, wonderful job! Keep up the good work.Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much! I don't usually get non-requested reviews, especially from people i don't know well so waking up this morning and seeing this here really made my day!
I suppose I can see how she might be interpreted as a goody-two-shoes type girl. It's interesting for me to see how people view my character and see things that I didn't even see myself, or i may not have thought to think of her as such but there are definite parts of her that are like that. Characters have a weird way of fleshing themselves out.
I'm so pleased that you've enjoyed this first chapter and i do hope you continue on reading on. I've had a couple readers mention that it was just too ambiguous to really like so i'm glad that it does make sense, or least, pulls you into it ;D Thanks for the review :D
Javct45 here with your review!
Wow, what a start to a story; I really liked it :D I think this is the first non-cliche'd (well, so far) Sirus/OC that i've read :)
The style of the story is good so far. I loved the imagery that you used, I could really imagine everything that was happening and you also portrayed Eleanor's confusion and emotions really well.
There was one thing that confused me a little (it may just be really obvious and i'm missing it cause I'm so tired haha) but at the start of the chapter you say that she is boarding the Hogwarts Express and then the next thing we know she is killing someone. Is it a memory? Or is she killing him on the Express? (I highly doubt that haha).
However, I like this is going. Can't wait to read chapter two!
*Jaz, 9/10Author's Response: Hi, thank you so much for your comments! I almost died a little inside when i read your comment about the Sirius/OC non-cliche. I'm so pleased because that is exactly what i'm trying to go for is to explore a relationship between them that isn't cliche. I'm so pleased you feel like it isn't so far, it's only the first chapter though, but it is something i'm working really hard on. I feel like if Sirius was to fall in love at all, it would have been accidently or maybe he wouldn't even have realized he was. I'm hoping it stays far from being cliche because there is way too many out there that are :D
About the train, gosh, you're the second person to mention confusion on that part. I'm going to have to go back and reword that a bit. It's just a memory not her actually killing on the train. It's like when you're about to change your life you look back and see how you've come to this point. This is a theme of this whole story, the idea of how we become who we are.
Thanks again for all your lovely comments and thanks for taking the time to review ;D Report Review
Hello there, it's DarkRose from the forums, here with your review! :]
One word: wow. I literally am just...very impressed. This was an incredibly powerful first chapter. I'll touch on the things you wanted my opinions on, and then I'll see if I have anything else to say. So, here we go.
Style: I thought your style was beautiful. Structure is really a part of this and I couldn't find flaw in how you wrote this. I thought the style was beautiful and immensely powerful for a character that we currently know nothing about. I really could FEEL the emotions here and that impressed me a lot.
Flow: definitely on par. Not too much to go on yet, but this chapter went along nicely. No complaints here. :]
Plot: well, you obviously have something interesting here! I definitely think you've hooked readers with this opening chapter. It makes them want to know how this girl got to this point and what happened to make her this way. And how Sirius works into it all! I'm interested, for sure. :]
Characterization: this was pretty great. There were a couple of places where it slipped (at the beginning where she was thinking how much she hated the other Death Eaters), but mostly it was good. I didn't quite understand how she mustered enough hate to kill the man though. The Avada Kedavra requires that you really have to MEAN it, but maybe we'll learn about that later. The dark humor was appreciated, but I'm interested to see how you'll work it through the rest of the story. Good luck! :]
Overall, I think you did very well. I was surprised how dramatic the whole thing was. I really felt connected to the character and felt a lot of sympathy for her situation. I can't wait to see where she came from. I'll read chapter two ASAP!
Great job, keep up the good work!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hi Emily, all i have to say is WOW, thank you for this lovely review! You've made me squee so much reading all your comments and i'm so pleased that you think i have a nice story here.
As for the characterization comment, i'm not sure exactly what you mean when it slipped with the Death Eaters, but i'll take a look. I hope that more understanding with how she's come to be able to mean it will come as the chapters go on. I think, for her, the fact that she COULD kill someone sort of shocked her as well. I think that each one of us has the ability to do what she's done, given the right circumstances. It wasn't exactly hate, i think for Avada Kedavra to work, you just have to mean it, and really mean it and want the person dead. This is how i interpret it anyway.
Thans again for your lovely review and kind words and am so pleased that you think this is a good story. :D
-zayne Report Review
I am not sure what I think of this chapter. I have no real clue who the character is that is speaking, and it was a bit hard at first to even figure out what was going on. By the end I had figured out that the speaker was being initiated into the death eaters, but I really don't anything about the speaker to make any real comments on them.
You did a great job keeping it in first person, and the details were nice. I just wish I knew more about who this speaker is. I felt the flow was nice and the pace was good. I didn't notice any major grammar problems.Author's Response: Hi, thanks for the review :D It was supposed to be a bit ambiguous and it is hard to comment on character in the first chapter anyway. Thanks for taking the time to review :D Report Review
Hello there :) Acrules from the forums here with your requested review.
I really like that you've gone for a completely orginal take on this - you have a Death Eater as the main girl, I like that, and I think you also mentioned somewhere that she's a hufflepuff - which is wonderful unique. I love a good hufflepuff, me, and I'm really intrigued to see where this story goes next - so you've got me on your side so far :)
When I first read it I was really confused. I think thats just because its late and I'm a bit stupid when I'm tired, but at first it just didn't make sense to me at all. Of course when I read it back it was fine and I was like 'oh you idiot AC' but I think what got me so mixed up was the section where she's talking about things from the past (mentioning boarding the Hogwarts express for the first time). Maybe you should humour all the tired readers like me and just change it so that it's undeniably obvious what she's talking about. Just mentioning the word memories at some point would work :)
A couple of the tangents were a little confusing too. I liked the humour of the one about cake (although I want cake now - you meanie :( ) but that one about Sirius threw me for a second (but like I said - sooo tirreddd). Then again, I liked how you mentioned Sirius in a way that makes it obvious he was significance - and now I really want to know how they knew each other and how she wound up here.
There were a couple of grammar-y sense-y things that I saw dotted about, but most of the time it was pretty good. Flow wise. it was reallly good through the whole thing, except thoes moments I mentioned above. I liked the pace too.
Believability? I haven't read anything that isn't believable yet, although I'd have to really find out about all her background and HOW she arrived he to be able to really make a judgement on it. So far though, I'm completely with you.
I really enjoyed it all so far and some bits of it were just fantastic (particuarlly the last line and the cohesion there - I love a cyclic ending me, and that one was no exception). Lovely start to what looks to be a really intersting story :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Hi AC! Thank so much for stopping by!
I'm glad you think it's unique so far, i'm trying to explore something that i haven't read in ff much which is someone from a house other than Slytherin and how they turned bad. I mean doesn't Sirius or perhaps Hagrid... someone anyway said that there seemed to be more bad than good back then. I just thought it be interesting to look at.
I will go back through it to make sure everything is crystal clear just for the tired of mind. :D Thanks for those pointers and i will keep them in mind when i edit (which is usually ... always, i seem to be always constantly dissatisfied with everything i write and i enjoy the delete button way too much ;D)
Thanks again for stopping by and giving me your thoughts, they are very much appreciated. Report Review
With such a dark start you managed to incorporate humor heck I smiled when she spoke about the caludron cakes. (I too am denied sweets XD) But it's a great start, I especially like the title of the story.
Also the ending paragraph it's gotten me curious so I'll go on to chap two.Author's Response: hehehe, i'm glad you found the humour. She's such a fun character to play around with. She's so laid back hardly takes things seriously, unless its sweets and come on, if i was denied sweets i'd probably be thinking the same thing as her :D
I'm estatic that you like the title, i have huge ISSUES with picking titles but this one just came to me and it fits perfectly i think.
I'm glad your interested in going to chapter two and i hope you let me know what you think with that as well :D (hint hint nudge nudge ;D) Thanks for stopping by to review Report Review
Hi, SilentConfession. I'm here filling your review request. I'm going to review both chapters and give my general comment about plot and characters and such at the end, but I wanted to pause here and make a few specific notes on this chapter. As promised, I'm going to be critical but I mean it only to be helpful and hopefully it is taken as such...and, of course, it's only my opinion in the end and can be ignored as you see fit :)
I like that you've basically started off with a prologue of sorts here. I assume from the way this chapter ended, much of the story that follows will show what brought your character to this point in her life. I think it's great to give readers a sense of what is to come/the path the story will take, without, of course, giving it all away up front.
I'm not going to "beta" the chapter but I did want to point out that there are few sentences that are not particularly clear. I think some may be typos/missing words, but others you may want to think about tweaking a bit so your meaning is clearer. Below are a few that stood out to me:
The dark, dank feeling cloaked the room like mildew that grew like death. It was suffocating. I think they fed on it like cockroaches, the filth.
I like the imagery and atmosphere you are building here, but if you really break this down, it doesn't completely make sense. How does mildew grow like death? Or are you referring to the dank feeling growing like death, in which case you need to restructure the sentence so your simile is more clear. Also, did "they" feed on the darkness or the filth? Or are you calling "them" filth? If it's the latter, I would make "the filth" its own little sentence, or maybe even capitalize filth as you are using it almost like a name.
I hadn't know him, his face had been covered, as they had covered mine with their cold metal, I tried to tell myself he had no other choice.
This is just a run-on sentence. Make the "I tried..." its own sentence. A comma alone isn't sufficient to attach it.
Finally they raised my wand into the candlelight; they were stripping it or something, making sure there was no tracing charm and whatnot. I heard once from someone that once they did that, the wand would never be the same.
This one makes sense but it's clunky, which is a shame because I love the idea that what they are doing to her wand damages it. That is such a great detail (and rather clever) that is so very death eater-y. The "something" and "whatnot" weaken the point. If she knows the result of their actions on her wand, then why is she so unsure what to call the action? Also, you use "once" twice, within three words of each other. Keep an eye out for word repetition like that.
I bet if he said that if they jumped on one foot for one whole day then next they'd meet their true that they'd believe him.
I think this may be the case of a simple word missing. Maybe true LOVE?
Now that...I looked into his metal face that I could agree with.
Technically, as written, this sentence suggests that (1) the man has more than one metal face and (2) she is looking into the one face she could agree with. I'm pretty sure you mean: Now that – I looked into his metal face – I could agree with.
He was whimpering and I noticed his eyes never left the floor but remained bowed his deep submission as he was threw him at my feet.
I think this may be another case of typos, as it doesn't make sense as written. Perhaps: He was whimpering, and I noticed his eyes never left the floor but remained bowed in submission as they threw him at my feet.
Overall, I like what you are working to do with this chapter. It sets the scene, it introduces the character at a moment that presents the reader with lots of questions and makes them want to read on. It has atmosphere and glimpses of humor. It just needs polished up a bit. Make sure each sentence actually says what you mean it to say. If a reader has to go back and read something again, it pulls you out of the story.Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to point out these errors, i really appreciate the critique and you have some wonderful pointers. I have such an issue with missing words because when i read it, i read it as if the word is there. I've recently picked up a beta who will hopefully help with these so that it get's a second pair of eyes.
I understand about the grow like death comment- i've been thinking about it and i suppose the only reason it's there is that i really liked the sound of it. When i wrote it myself and didn't strip it down to what it meant, or didn't mean. I'm not entirely sure if i will change it as it still evokes the feeling i want from it but i will try and figure out if i can rephrase it or find better words to express it
I'm glad there are at least glimpses of humour, i'm not a humour writer and this challenge has definitely been difficult for me as a writer. I find that humour is the hardest thing to translate on screen. I've tried constructing a character though that it's built into so that i don't have to try to be funny but let her do the talking.
Thank you again for all these comments and taking the time to point them out! Report Review
Here's your review from review tag!
I really like this story. The amount of detail that's within it building up the atmosphere and the tension is just completely sensational.
Throwing the reader straight into the action sets the intrigue working to make us think well how did she get into that situation, which makes us want to read on
GinevraMollyPotterAuthor's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for chosing this story to review and all your kind words! I'm glad you felt like it was a sensation ;D that's a huge compliment :D Thank you again for your lovely words, i'm pleased you enjoyed it :D Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
Before I even started reading this, I was really excited and intrigued, because you're moving backwards. I love that.
I was not disappointed.
It can be difficult to jump straight into a scene like this without setting the stage and introducing the characters at least to some extent first - it often comes off (to me, at least) as awkward and disjointed. However, that was definitely not the case here. There were a few points that were a bit confusing and that I felt could have been tightened up (which I'll get to in a bit), but on the whole, this worked really well. You've given enough context with the story summary for me to immediately understand that the "them" in the first paragraph are "death eaters." That meant that everything she's thinking about how wrong this was and her flashbacks to the rest of her life made sense. They make me wonder how she got to this point, but I'm wondering in a good way - I want to keep reading to find out.
Sorry, I'm having trouble getting over this and talking about everything else. It's just so hard to start in such a charged situation and introduce a lot of questions without having it come across as confusing and too ambiguous, and you've managed to do that without giving us much more information about your OC than that she was a Hufflepuff, is becoming a death eater, and knew Sirius and someone named Amelia. It's something a lot of authors (including myself) have trouble with, and you've really done an excellent job.
I find your OC to be especially well-done, at least so far. You asked if she was believable. Absolutely! I don't know much about her yet, but her feelings throughout the chapter felt very realistic to me, and I'm interested to see how she came to this point. Her thoughts aren't just realistic, however - they're distinctive. I'm already starting to get a sense of who she is as a person, which is especially commendable considering how little I know about her. I especially liked her thoughts about the "bumbling sweaty pig" and how she tried to tell herself that he had no other choice. Even her killing the person felt like it fit in with the rest of the piece - the way that she was almost expecting him to move, and her realizing that he wouldn't, and that she did mean it, worked really, really well.
Okay. So clearly I loved this, but as I mentioned above, there were a few places that felt a bit too ambiguous, and I'm going to point them out. When she talks about not knowing the bumbling, sweaty pig and "them" covering her face with their cold metal, I was a bit confused. I think that you were talking about the death eater masks, but I would have liked to see a tiny bit more clarity there. I was also a bit confused about what they were doing to her wand. Finally, I wasn't really sure why the room was getting hotter - was she just feeling hotter, or was the heat actually rising? Why?
On the whole, though, this was really terrific. Great job! Just as a reminder, I only review one chapter at a time, but if this was helpful, please feel free to rerequest. :)Author's Response: Ah! Thank you for your loong and lovely review! I love them! So helpful, i'm glad you thought the first chapter was good, i too was worried if people would get aggrivated by the ambiguity of it all. Thank you again for taking the time to review this! Report Review
Your description is a wow! It's so...powerful and amazing! Yes, the story and the start is very very believable.
I like the way you kept the story a half-mystery thing to the readers, and it keeps me frustrated because I am now left to wonder...
The flow is really good. You made all the bits and pieces work together as a whole.
This story has potential,
CloakAuror9Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by! Your review is very encouraging! Thank you so much! Report Review
Wow your description in this chapter is amazing! I absolutely loved how you opened up this story! It all flowed so well together and was a great opening. It gave us an idea of where your going to take this story but still so much more that we dont know to keep us interested! I love this chapter and I'm interested to learn more about your character Eleanor. You have a great beginning here and I can't wait to see where this story goes. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you so much for your lovely words i'm pleased you felt like it flowed well together. I'm super excited about this project and wish i had the time to write the next chapter, which is going to bring a completely new and lovely flaire to it. Thank you again for taking the time to review :D Report Review
Hello there :)
Ooh this was good. It had a fair amount of mystery, and suspense. I wanted to know what would happen next! The descriptions were great too, I could feel the whole atmosphere of where she was. I really liked this :) Great job :D
~Sara (puppyluv242)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for reviewing me :D I'm so pleased that you liked it and that you felt the atmosphere and the emotion! Report Review
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