Reading Reviews for Crossing the Borderline
  
59 Reviews Found

Review #26, by Sun Lovegood Albus: The Confrontations

7th January 2014:
Please finish this, its very good. Different but good. Very Nice to not read the same overly happy story. I have only one wish and that is that you dont turn this into a love triangle! Keep it original

Author's Response: I am planning to finish this so don't you worry. But you did motivate me to finish this story even more so thanks! And overly happy stories aren't really my style. I don't think I could pull one off even if I tried, haha. :P

I wasn't planning on making it into a love triangle. There may be a few parts where there is a slight hint of a love triangle but it isn't too major.

And I will try to keep it original.

Thanks for taking the time to review. And I will try my best to update before the end of the month.

~Sama :)


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Review #27, by Leannadrobisforever Albus: The Confrontations

6th January 2014:
Amazing. But please update soon.
P.S. Thanks for one of the best birthday presents I could of asked for
P.P.S. I hope you take that in I have a very devoted fan way and not I have a fan who is currently living a very sad life way
P.P.P.S I don't even think that last bit made sense
P.P.P.P.S. But you get what I mean anyway
P.P.P.P.P.S. Do you?

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it. And I will try to update asap! Chapter 5 will most likely be out before the end of the month.

~Sama :D
P.S. Happy Late Birthday!!!
P.P.S. thanks for so many P.S.'s


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Review #28, by DumbledoresArmyRocks Aaliyah: The Reaction

5th January 2014:
Loving this so far! Aliyah's POV is great and I honestly love her personality. Can't wait to read more about the drama between them, and to see if you bring Seth into Aliyah and Albus' relationship. Great story!

Author's Response: Aww, thank you! I wasn't sure if readers would like Aaliyah or not so I'm happy to hear that you like her. Like trouble finds Harry, drama finds Aaliyah so more drama is on the way.

Who said anything about Seth? ;)
Just kidding! :P He does like her but he won't interfere with their relationship. Don't worry, he will still pop up in at some parts of the story.

Thank you for being so kind. :)
~Sama


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Review #29, by DumbledoresArmyRocks Albus: The Decision

5th January 2014:
Hi, this is the 2nd review so far for your prize.
Overall, this is a great chapter. I like the way you write Albus' point of view and how you write his thought process. I also like the friendship between Scorpius and Albus and how Albus teases Scorpius about liking Rose. In a lot of fanfictions people write it as Albus doesn't know that Scorpius likes Rose, and it's cool to see the change. Looking forward to reading the next chapter! :)

Author's Response: Albus and Scorpius's friendship is fun to write so I am definitely ecstatic that you liked their bond. Albus likes teasing people... it is his nature. And I wrote Albus as a mostly observant person so he couldn't have missed that his best mate like his cousin.

Thanks for taking the times to review. I loved reading your feedback. :))

~Sama


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Review #30, by xTimexTurnerx Albus: The Decision

24th December 2013:
Howdy!

Thank you for re-requesting! I am enjoying your story.

I love to see the story from different POVs. As for Albus, I find him a bit less of a reliable narrator than Aaliyah. He seems to be caught up more in himself and how everyone's actions affect himself, rather than I found Aaliyah was interested in observing to learn more about people.

There was one piece of description that confused me: "She isnít brooding nor does she disappear. She lets herself be out in the open, yet she feels untouchable like even if you feel her skin, she isnít really there. You can see her. You can smell her. You can touch her. But you canít get the taste of her." It was weird because you say she's untouchable, but then you can touch her? I like that you are incorporating the five senses but this confused me.

I really like Scorpius's character. He's a believable teenage boy. And I'm excited to see how he finally confronts his Rose problem.

I also feel like Albus does actually like Aaliyah, although I don't think it's mutual. I also want the back story between Aaliyah and Fred! Can't wait for that.

One last thing, I'm not sure if the 'two days later' or the 'next night' headlines are necessary. I feel like you could convey that information in the story and using it as a title might be a bit of a crutch. Unless you were using that to show the difference in narration between Al and Aaliyah, then I can see it.

Overall, liking the plot progression!!

xx Lizzie

Author's Response: Hi!

I didn't originally plan on it being told from different point of views but I thought seeing how Aaliyah acts from an outsider at times is necessary so that is how it became split between Aaliyah and Al.

I made Al a little less reliable since teenage boys in real life aren't as caught up with details as girls. When I was writing this chapter, I got stuck and then got opinions on how guys think so I sort of based it on that. Albus does have an observant, calculating quality though which will come in handy later on. And he will become less arrogant haha. :)

Scorpius is my favorite. I did want him to come off as likable so I am glad you liked him. He reminds me of James in a way. And Rose... well, that is going to take some time to deal with but he will... eventually. ;)

I've got some feedback from others saying they thought Albus likes Aaliyah too. He actually doesn't like her in that way. He is just curious and finds her a mystery. And he doesn't like leaving mysteries unsolved. Also her connection to Fred sparks an interest in him. So.. she is a fascination. Granted, not a healthy one but not a crush... yet. ;)

I took your advice and got rid of the headings. Instead, I put that info into the story. I also edited the confusing 'untouchable' part so it is more understandable. And what he means when he says, " like even if you feel her skin, she isn't really there" is that she was there in person but her mind seemed to be somewhere else, if that makes any sense.

Thanks for the review! I had a great time reading it and you gave lovely advice.

~Sama :D


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Review #31, by FredWeasleyIsMyKing Aaliyah: The Meeting

22nd December 2013:
Hello!

Here for the review swap! Wow this was a jam packed chapter!

First of all, you leave me with a lot of questions. This Charlotte Ronan... I feel like we need to learn more about her. She seems to have an awful lot of influence over these people. I get that she spreads gossip but they seem more scared of her than I would have thought...

Albus is a character! I like that he was in Slytherin but gosh, he was manipulative and a little scary! I've never really seen him written like this so it makes a change.

James, I really liked. He just seemed really lovely. I'm not sure if that was the impression I was supposed to get but I did!

There really is so much going on in this story... why did James and Gabby feel the need to fake a relationship for 6 months to stop gossip about the other families... what have they got to hide? I get the feeling James and Gabby might like each other just a little bit though!

Hmm, I'm not sure what to make of your main character Aaliyah, and this relationship that Albus is proposing. She's strong willed and I liked that but I still go back to the point about her having secrets... I still need to learn more about her I think, my curiosity is most definitely piqued though! There is more to this than relationship deal than meets the eye.

As far as CC goes I thought the bit about McGonagall at the beginning was a tad out of place... the next gen lot wouldn't know how she was before or much about Dumbledore except what they got told but they talk like they knew her at the time if that makes sense?

Also, tiny little thing but I wasn't sure why you'd included the line breaks? The story would have flowed just as nicely without them.

Glad we review swapped, this was a really interesting read! Great job on an excellent first chapter :)

Lauren :)

Author's Response: Hello!

First off, I loved reading this review. You gave an insight on all the characters introduced and that helps tremendously.

You are quite right. We do need to learn more about Charlotte Ronan. And they are afraid of her because she knows too much... things people want to keep hidden. ;) More of her will be coming, though it may take some time haha.

I like Albus as a Slytherin too! I'm probably like one of the only people who didn't want him put in Gryffindor, lol. Writing him like that is such fun. Manipulative? Indeed, he is. Scary? Nah, okay maybe he is a little but he has a sweet, soft side too- I will bring that side out, though it may take a handful of chapters to do so.

James was supposed to be likable. I am so, so, so glad that you liked him. Out of all the characters, he is, I think, one of the only happy-no-matter-what-happens type and has less secrets.

Yes, they do have something to hide even though it isn't technically James and Gabby's fault; they didn't have to feel responsible or try to create a distraction. And James and Gabby are just friends. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

Aaliyah... is kind of an open book sometimes so you learn a lot about her quickly in the coming chapters.

I never thought of the McGonagall thing like that but you are correct. I went back and fixed it so it seems more in character and fitting. Thanks for pointing that out. :D

Review swaps are always fun... I am happy that we did do one. Reading your story was great and your opinions and feedback were lovely to read.

THANK YOU.

~Sama


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Review #32, by xTimexTurnerx Aaliyah: The Meeting

22nd December 2013:
Howdy!
Ms. Lizzie from the forums here!

First off, I'm very intrigued! I like that the narrator sometimes breaks the fourth wall like when she says, "That story Iím saving for later though." It's interesting because that means I know she's telling the story retro-spectively so I know these moments have impacted her future. It makes me more excited to see what's happening next.

I know we're only getting bits of story at a time, but the only thing I'm having a hard time grasping is why they are so afraid of a reporter. Like this whole paragraph: "You owe your sister. James and Gabby faked being a couple for half a year to keep Ronan from digging into peopleís lives. The Weasleys, Potters, Scamanders, Woods, and all the other groups were protected. They were given more of a chance to live without reserve. That wasnít the main reason though. It was to shield you and donít act like you donít know it because you do." Why do they care so much what she reports? What information does she have access to? What have each of these groups done, and our narrator have done, that they need to be covered up?

Also, did James/Gabby develop real feelings during their fake romance? I think yes.

I like that the narrator is an observer and pays such close attention to body language and reading people, a trait that I would kind of expect from a Ravenclaw.

Overall, very well done! I'm glad you requested a review and please re-request for other chapters!!

xx Lizzie

Author's Response: I honestly am not sure how to respond to this review but I'll give a go at it.

Reading this actually made my day. I literally couldn't stop smiling. :) And all I could think about while reading this was, "Does this person actually think that?" and "How is she so NICE?" and "OMG I don't deserve this much kindness!"

I never heard anyone call that a "fourth wall" but I like how you put it. I guess I didn't want to reveal too much... well not yet anyways haha.

Charlotte... is different from everyone. She looks at things differently, and she is actually very cunning and manipulative and oh-so clever about how to go at things. Wow... I just noticed how much she sounds like a Slytherin, haha. And the groups have done a few things, really not good things which I will tell later on.

James/Gabby is a good ship. Yeah, a good ship. I would ship them if I was a reader. Maybe they could be 'Jabby' or 'Games' or something like that. But did their fake romance turn out into something more? Hmm... maybe, maybe not. ;)

Overall, thank you so, so, so much. This review is a 100/10! :D And I will probably end up reading this one over and over again.

Thanks again.
~Sama


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Review #33, by UnluckyStar57 Aaliyah: The Meeting

19th December 2013:
Hello! I'm here with the review you requested! :)

This is a really great beginning! I love the characterization of Aaliyah (did I spell that right?) and Albus, and Gabby and James are pretty interesting, too. The fact that it all began with this very public announcement of a break up is very intriguing, especially since we later find out that it was a fake relationship to begin with! So, why are they ending it? Is it just too much to handle, or do they actually have feelings for each other that they don't want to jeopardize by displaying them in the public eye? And what's this about Gabby "confessing something to a certain someone?" VERY curious, indeed!

Albus is quite the conniving little Slytherin, isn't he? I love that he made the proposition in part to protect his brother and the other families--who all seem to have parents who were involved in the war (or Quidditch, like the Woods). Is Charlotte Ronan's gossip rag really THAT ferocious?! I'm very curious! However honorable his intentions were, I can't help thinking that Albus has his own hidden agenda--after all, he's a shifty character! Maybe Aaliyah will get to know him while she's "dating" him, and then she can figure out all of his tricks!

So you requested a bit of a grammar check, so I made sure to pay close attention. I caught several things, but they are not incredibly major and they don't do anything to disrupt the actual story. It would be nice if you went back and looked over them when you found the time, though. :)

1) There were several cases when you ended a line of dialogue incorrectly . Some examples:

here." He says
bad." he finishes
while." James says

The problem lies in the period-quotation mark-next word sequence. It should look more like this: "here," he says. or "bad," he finishes. or "while," James says. In these cases, instead of a period, you should have a comma-quotation mark-lowercased word sort of sequence (except when you have proper nouns--those get capitalized).

2) Some of your sentences were phrased a bit awkwardly, so I'm going to suggest new phrasing. You don't have to use these; they're just my suggestions. :)

"Most people describe it as emotionless or maybe even it can be perceived as heartless."~Perhaps something like: "Most people perceive it as emotionless or heartless."

"My sister would disagree though she said that: 'he just has some trust issues and thinks of things differently.'"~Perhaps: "My sister would disagree, though. She once said that he just has some trust issues and thinks of things differently." ~I don't think you need the quotes when Aaliyah is mentioning what her sister said. It makes things a bit smoother to take them out.

3) Just some spelling things.

"How's it going Jamsie?"~Jamsie should be "Jamesie."

"wrecking havoc"~It should be "wreaking havoc."

"tap dancing on the Great Halls"~Might be better as "tap dancing in the Great Hall."

"He is one of those people that just didn't cr@ck."~Here, you want "doesn't" instead of "didn't." (Also, sorry about the "@" symbol--the site won't let me write the proper word...)

5) And everybody's favorite: commas!

"Sadly the Potter sitting next to me"~Comma should go between "Sadly" and "the."

"who is currently looking at us calmly, with a side of perhaps amusement?"~If you really want to, you can put a comma before and after "perhaps;" however, it would probably be smoother to take "perhaps" out of the sentence entirely.

"Reaching closer he takes a strand of my hair, looks at it questioningly, and then lets it go quickly."~Comma goes after "closer." Also, I was incredibly intrigued by this motion from Albus--Why did he touch her hair?!

6) These are just things that I thought could be spiced up a bit.

"I call those people the emotionless ones."~I thought it would be cool if "The Emotionless Ones" could be a capitalized, official-looking title, for dramatic effect. :)

"My eyes widen as I recognise what the emotion is, pity. Quickly my eyes narrow, 'pity', I think with disgust."~This is just a case of more dynamic phrasing. Maybe something like: "My eyes widen as I recognise what the emotion is: Pity. Quickly, my eyes narrow. Pity, I think with disgust."~~And because she's thinking the word, the second "Pity" should be italicized.

"From then Charlotte Ronan was known as 'the hurricane'."~Another case of me thinking that "The Hurricane" should be capitalized for dramatic effect.

"I can't help myself, but think: no sh*t, Sherlock."~She's thinking again, so I would suggest: "No sh*t, Sherlock, I think before I can stop myself."~Here, the "No sh*t, Sherlock" part should be italicized.

Um...Okay...I'm sorry if I slammed you with too many grammatical corrections. I realize that this is A LOT, so feel free to ignore what you don't agree with. I kind of rambled/did lots of random things up there, and I don't know if it's what you really wanted. I hope that some of it is helpful to you!!!

This was a MARVELOUS beginning. I am interested to see what happens next!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Omg, I loved, loved, loved reading your insight. And the corrections help tremendously. Editing and revising are kind of the bane of my existence so this is a lifesaver. Commas are also little buggers sometimes, haha.

Don't worry, you didn't ramble at all.

Charlotte is piece of work. At first she won't be that bad but her personality, her actions will escalate. Albus is my baby. He does kind of have another motive but I won't tell you what that is...yet.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this.
I am forever in you debt.
~Sama

p.s. You did spell Aaliyah right. :)


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Review #34, by Nerdy Birdy Aaliyah: The Reaction

19th December 2013:
Really really really good I am hooked

Author's Response: I am really, really, really glad you like it so far. ;)

~Sama


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Review #35, by mcdash Aaliyah: The Reaction

7th December 2013:
Oooh, I really like how the story is going so far. The whole thing with Albus/Aaliyah/Seth is so entertaining, and I can definitely sense some jealously from Seth. Annie and Ellie honestly seem like the perfect best friends. They both balance each other out in personality without clashing too much. I can't wait to read more of them. Overall, this was a great chapter! :)

Author's Response: Yay! You get a cookie for liking this story.

Haha, Albus/Aaliyah/Seth are interesting but it won't be much of a love triangle. You will see more of Seth later though. He is a bit jealous, yes. He is more shocked though like the rest of her friends.

Annie and Ellie aren't perfect but are really close and have this bond without agreeing with each other on everything.

The fourth chapter is taking some time but it will be up before January. I promise.

~Sama :D


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Review #36, by DumbledoresArmyRocks Aaliyah: The Meeting

2nd November 2013:
Hey, it's DumbledoresArmyRocks from the forums. Since this is my 1st review prize for you, I'd just like to say congratulations. Now on to the review.
I honestly am intrigued by this story. I am a big next gen. fan and I can't wait to read more. I also really like how Albus is in this story. More of his Slytherin traits are shown and it's cool to see a story that portrays him a different way from the norm.
Can't wait to read on. :)

Author's Response: Hello.
I'm glad you are intrigued. I was hoping that this story would bring a spark of interest to readers.

Albus as a Slytherin,for some, is a change but I just really wanted to put him in that house. His character would have so much depth with him being the savior's son and all.

Cool? Probably not. But you are totally cool for taking the time to review.

Thank you. Thank you.
~Sama

p.s.I'm a big next gen fan too!


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Review #37, by xMsFiggx Aaliyah: The Reaction

10th October 2013:
Pretty good so far! Excited to find out where you take this!

Author's Response: Thanks! That means a lot!
...and more drama is coming your way. :P

~Sama


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Review #38, by marauderfan Aaliyah: The Reaction

22nd September 2013:
Hey hey! marauderfan here with your review from the forums.

Wow- Aaliyah and all of her roommates are certainly drama-prone types. I can definitely see how arguments like that one would happen often, and how the girls just don't get on very well (so the division between Naomi and Gemma and the other three makes sense.) Annie seems to be the exception - she's a refreshing character after the drama of the other four, lol. I'm glad Aaliyah told her friends and didn't continue keeping secrets though.

The boys seem normal enough. Based on what we've seen of Seth so far I think he'd be a better boyfriend for Aaliyah than Albus is, but that's just me :p

Albus was kind of a jerk in this :p Of course, it could be Aaliyah's judgmental opinion of him, but even objectively I don't like him much at this point in the story (yes, I know, it's only the beginning though!). So I'm glad Aaliyah -even though she got stuck in this situation with him - is still not a pushover, and sets her boundaries.

I did notice that you switched verb tenses a number of times (occasionally within the same sentence), which kind of interrupts the flow. Since most of your narrative seems to be in present tense, maybe look back at it and change anything that's not a flashback/reflection on the past, into present tense.

Good work on this chapter!

Author's Response: Hi! Sorry for such a late response.

Well what can I saw Ravenclaws may be clever but that doesn't mean they like each other. There is always competition in the air with them. Annie was a character that I wanted to be different than the rest and I wanted her to stick out. So I'm glad that worked.

She did try telling them a partial truth but they still don't see the whole picture yet. ;)

All characters aren't supposed to likable just like all people aren't supposed to be likable. I guess I didn't want all the characters to be sweethearts, you know? And Albus can be a tough character to like at times but he'll pull through... hopefully. :P

I'll probably have to look back at the chapter. Thanks for the wonderful review.

~Sama


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Review #39, by Siriusly89 Aaliyah: The Meeting

27th August 2013:
Hi! Siriusly89 here with the review swap, sorry it took so long, I was asleep :P but now Iím right and ready to review!

HmmÖ..very interesting. Why is this strange person walking around abandoned corridors? I like the mystery element of this, makes it sort of eerie in a way. The mention of fear has me a bit worried as well, what does she have to fear? If I read right, this is a Next-Gen, so Voldies out of the picture, meaning itís something else. Interesting, very interestingÖ.

Yay! Albus is a mysterious Slytherin. Itís just my head canon that heís in that house, I almost get a bit disappointed when heís in Gryffindor. Slytherin all the way for Albie, although sometimes he makes the best Hufflepuff! Sorry, enough ranting.

Is it some sort of underground prank group? Is that what it is? I really hope so, how fun would that me, because Albus could do his mysterious thing, and then yeah. If itís something else Iíll probably be just as excited, but well, you know now that a prank league is my hearts desire!

On a side note, I apologise for this not-review. Iím not exactly sure what it is, so I do apologise!

Whoís this coming down the hall in the heels? I love how Albus is just as cool as a cucumber, I agree, make him squirm! I like making those really Ďconfidentí people uncomfortable, take them down a peg or two, cut them down to size, and all other sayings that go along with that!

Ah! I thought heel-person was a teacher or something, but by the way theyíre talking Ronan is a student, Iím going to guess? Oh! I feel a lot of school divides, almost school politics coming on and that excites me!! Aaah! Sheís a gossip! Oh my god, I donít think itís possible that I could love this any more than I do now.

Itís an interview, I change my mind, I prefer it this way than the whole prank thing, this is much, much better! The mystery is so intriguing, I love it!

James and Aaliyahís sister broke up, and theyíre doing a press release about it? But why? They seem like they still care for each other, why not just let it drop peacefully, though I suppose one Miss Charlotte Ronan would smear I all over the place anyway, well played you lot, good thinking, very good thinking. Ah, Gabbyís her name!

Albus stole her wand, if that isnít his backwards attempt at flirting, I donít know what is, though I suppose itís probably just him being a bit odd or something. Aaah! James and Gabby faked being a couple, this is getting good! This is getting very good, I also know where Albus is going with this, because I am a genius!

Aaah! I loved this so much, I most definitely am favouriting! I loved it, as you can tell from the rambly mess that is this review, sorry about thatÖÖ.

Author's Response:
It's great to see I'm not the only one who likes to see him as a Slytherin. It just makes it a whole lot more interesting when you put him in that house.

No, not an underground prank group. Though that is a good guess. :P

Yeah...Albus is that cool, calm, and collected kid that you are jealous of since you can't pull off the cool, calm, and collected thing he has going on. I will make him squirm later on, I promise. It'll just take some time to break his exterior.

Yes they want to go out there are release it and get it over it. That way it won't get messy later on.

Oh, wow... I started laughing (in a good way) when I read "if that isn't his backwards attempt at flirting, I don't know what is." Yes he is teasing her a bit. That's what Slytherins do: tease and try not to get any feelings get in the way.

Lol, you are a genius. ;) You should definitely be put in Slytherin with that smart and cunning brain of yours.

Thanks so much for the review. I enjoyed reading it. Seeing you slowly, find everything out and piece it together was very interesting and nice. It's like having a virtual tour in a readers brain. Thanks again.

~Sama

p.s. oh and..10/10 on your review. ;)


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Review #40, by silverashes Albus: The Decision

22nd August 2013:
Hello, hello!

I'm going to start off by saying that I LOVE Al's point of view! I always find it so interesting to read something from a boy's point of view (there aren't many on the site!). I think you did a good job of characterizing Al. He's mysterious, but he has this soft side, especially towards Aaliyah, that gives him depth! I also really liked how we got to see Aaliyah from Al's point of view! It gives the reader an 3 dimensional characterization of her because its through the eyes of someone else! Scorpius is a love. I wish I had a friend like him!

This is a very intriguing story line! I can't believe Aaliyah agreed to Al's little plan. Oh man, I hope she knows what she's in for! I think the story is flowing really well. As of right now there is nothing that confused me! Everything is flowing smoothly!

Brilliant job! I really like where this story is going! I can't wait to see what pans out between Al and Aaliyah!

xx Rachel

Author's Response:
Hey Rachel!
Al's point of view was quite fun to write and it makes me want to scream in happiness that you liked it. I agree that reading from a boy's point of view is interesting. You'll see more from Al's pov soon. ;)

Scorpius...*sigh*..I wish I had a friend like him too. :P He is one of those characters that are very loyal and honest but he also over-thinks when making a decision sometimes.

Yeah...Aaliyah doesn't know what she is up for...well, not yet.

Thanks so much for the sweet review. This really made my day and right now I am smiling like crazy. :D

~Sama


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Review #41, by academica Aaliyah: The Meeting

19th August 2013:
Hi Sama, here for the TGS Review Exchange!

Wow, this is an action-packed first chapter! You've definitely got a unique story idea here, with the catalyst for the main pairing being sort of a necessity based on the social climate. I don't know your characters all that well yet, but it strikes me as very altruistic that Aaliyah and Gabby would be willing to feign relationships in order to keep Charlotte's eye for drama away from everyone else. I have to wonder what kind of suffering Aaliyah will have to endure as Albus's "girlfriend!"

I would caution you to keep a careful rein on this story in order to avoid manufacturing drama. That is, build up some more background about why Charlotte gets to wield such a reign of terror over the school and why she would be intrigued by this pairing, and give us some realistic examples of things that could cause a relationship to be rocky. For example, Aaliyah and Albus might fight in class, or their first kiss might be kind of a big deal, or maybe Aaliyah doesn't get along with all the Potter-Weasleys and relations. (By the way, I do like that your whole ensemble cast isn't composed of Wotters at this point. That's kind of refreshing!) I sense there's something deeper going on with Aaliyah's anxiety from that first section, and hopefully more will be said about that later on.

I liked your description a lot in this chapter; it was like I was watching a teen comedy film. For example, the change in atmosphere depicted when attention shifted to the approaching Charlotte was really well executed and very suspenseful. I did run across a couple places where it seemed like flow was interrupted because you chose to tell us about a particular feeling instead of demonstrating it with dialogue or--even better--behavior. For example, at one point Aaliyah expressed being annoyed with Albus, and I would have preferred to figure that out with a description of her facial expression or stance. There were also points where her thoughts seemed to linger on a bit too long, to the point where it would look like she wasn't part of the conversation anymore if this were a real life event. I tend to work on my dialogue and thought structuring by observing how people do it in real life, and that seems to help, at least for me :)

I didn't see too many technical errors, except for a few places in which you used improper dialogue tags--there's a great tutorial on the forums that can help you master those. They used to be the bane of my existence when I first started writing, which is probably why I notice them quickly now. Once the action got going, the flow of the chapter picked up to a nice pace, and I think you chose an appropriate stopping point for the chapter's end.

All in all, a very nice start!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda!
Sorry for taking so long with your response.
I'll try not to make Aaliyah suffer too much though I'll be tempted to. :P

You are right about the caution though. Charlotte's story will come out. As will Aaliyah's and Albus's. You hit it spot on that Albus and Aaliyah's realtionship will be kind of rocky. I have already planned that Aaliyah doesn't get along with one of his cousins though I won't reveal which one yet.

I'm very glad that you liked the descriptions. Watching teen comedies are fun so it is great that you think that is how came out as.

Thank you for pointing out those things. I'll definitely check out that tutorial. :) And I'll take your advice into mind when I edit this chapter again. All in all, thanks so much for this. This helped me a lot. And getting feedback from someone I admire so much is lovely.

~Sama


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Review #42, by ginerva_molly_weasley Aaliyah: The Meeting

11th August 2013:
Hi there,

Here I am with your requested review. I tend to review as I'm going so please forgive me if it does seem a little bit incoherent but I'll do my best to be as clear as possible.

Your description to start off with draws the reader in and I think you've used it really well, being descriptive about the paintings whilst not being too overpowering. You give descriptions about your character too such as her liking the silence which is nice to start off with as I find myself wanting to know more and more about her.

The conversations between the paintings is interwoven well with the dialogue however it does seem to be a little bit short. The little snippets showed the gossiping but did not really have any coherence together. It still works but my attention was drawn to it a little.

The sentence "After a good two minutes, I took a sharp left turn. Seeking my destination, I started counting off the vacant classrooms to the right side of the hallway in my head." seems a bit listy in my opinion as there is no need to list all of those actions or be so descriptive. Also the whole sentence just seems to be a little bit odd. The whole counting off classrooms confused me when I first read it.

The idea of fear consuming her is interesting and helps keep the reader hooked as it works without it being too much of an overused phrase. Also the 'blink's stood out to me as really bold. It broke up the page and I felt myself very draw to it so that definitely had the desired effect.

I felt that the "Nice job, door! Couldn't you at least be a little quieter? " didn't fit well there with the seriousness of the description and it didn't fit with the fear that you had to have the humour afterwards.

The guy with hazel eyes intrigues me as I want to believe it is James Potter but think you would have made it more obvious that it was him. I also like the mock-stern as it is obvious he is going to be a jokey character but also one who brings them all back down to earth when they go too far so I'm glad you included that in at the beginning before we get to know him.

Albus as a Slytherin is again very interesting. This will work well in the plot further on especially if you are going to include many Weasleys and Potter's through the story.

Oh so it was James! Ignore what I said above as you describe him very perfectly here. I want to know why Albus has trust issues and different perceptions and again this would be good to explore further on in the story. I didn't like the fact you tied up all the loose ends in one sentence though. It seemed too final and too forced in that way. You could just have left it at that.

The laying low seems pretty ominous as though it is foretelling a very large prank to come in the future so that is interesting. The prank was also awesome!

Albus seems like a very troubled character here with his cynicism. Please make sure you keep this up in further chapters to help with continuity.

One thing that really stuck out here was " Everyone, sans Albus, froze ". British people don't use the word 'sans'.

Why is she so interested in Albus' emotionless side all of a sudden when she hasn't been at all interested whilst she was James' childhood friend?

What mission are they aborting? I feel like I have missed something here.

You showed the thickness of the atmosphere well here with the description. Albus gave her the look of pity? Interesting.

Who is her? Thats a very good place to have a line break!

Ranon is a very unique name and I like that you gave her quite a unique character description with something to stand out and make her memorable right from day one.

You change between 'Ronan' and 'Ranon' in the few paragraphs afterwards. I would be inclined to say you meant Ronan so it might be worth changing that.

She is very interesting with the gossiping she does and I can't wait until we see more of her. She has a lot of character traits similar to Rita Skeeter so you could build upon her really well.

Further on I can see that you have designed her to be very much like Rita Skeeter. Be careful as it may seem like history is repeating itself and her character at the moment is becoming very vilanous already. Pushing for details on Gabby and James' breakup is as well something which reminds me very much of her. The digging and the hunger is something many journalists show so I can just picture her in my mind. Gossip is awesome and I can just imagine James, still caring about Gabby and trying to protect her.

Albus is a real character isn't he, taking her bag. He is one to watch for sure throughout all of this. She has not spoken to him before so now he just has all of this presumptiveness about his ability to play act with her. He took her wand too which is not playing fairly!

Oooh Albus does have a brain! He is absolutely fabulous with him wanting to give Ms Ronan a story to protect everyone from digging into their lives and whats all this about 'to shield you'? I'm completely intrigued by this.

Albus is brilliant 'Free snogging' how dare he be so presumptive as he is just wants all the fun without the commitment. She will change her mind I do wonder why.

This was an excellent chapter! I would like to see where you go with this.

Please feel free to rerequest!
GinevraMollyPotter

Author's Response:
Hello! This wasn't that incoherent but very detailed. So thanks for this!!

I am glad that the first few paragraphs come out that way. I was hoping the descriptions would make sense and not overpower.

They were short since I didn't want it take away too much attention, I guess. I never thought of making those snippets longer but now I am thinking about it.

I do see what you mean. I didn't realize it became to descriptive when I was writing this but I do see it now. :)

You are probably the first person to notice the 'blink's. I was worried that those parts came out weird but your input on it has made me feel relieved. :D

I was concerned that some parts have come out too formal so that is why that part is in there. I'll probably edit it out since I do agree that it does stick out and doesn't fit in with the mood I had created.

You will see a couple more Weasleys and the last Potter. Though, I won't reveal which ones will be prominent since I am that sneaky. :P

Aww, I am glad you thought the prank was good. And I think you are the only one who has caught the foreshadowing.

I never knew that British people don't use, 'sans.' That is interesting and will help me write chapters in the future. I will most likely replace that word.

I will try my best keep Albus like that. He is troubled but he has a lot of different sides.

Hmm...Aaliyah has changed as a person like we all do. As a child she was a little oblivious to some things. However, she is more calculating now. The only reason she has taken an interest is because he acknowledged her, which he usually doesn't do. He doesn't always open up to people so him taking interest in her made her wonder about what changed and why.

The look of pity...something no one wants. It was a small detail that leads on to more. I just can't say what the 'more' is. ;)

I did mean Ronan. I think while typing sometimes it came out 'Ranon' for some reason, haha. Definitely on my to do list to fix those. She has become more like Rita than I intended. When I first came up with her character, I hadn't thought of Rita at all. She will be her own. I'll just need some time to make her a bit more unique. Thank you for reminding me of that though.

James and Gabby are both protectors. James is more obvious that he is protective while Gabby is more the type to watch out for someone behind curtains so they don't notice.

Albus is one of my favorite characters to write. He is one to watch. Albus is the wise and cunning one while Aaliyah is more of the clever one. They both actually use their brains unlike some people, lol. Albus likes to tease. He was hoping that the 'free snogging' will make her not questions his motives. Sadly, she caught on.

All in all, thank you so much for the wonderful review. It was very thoughtful and very helpful. Not only did you point out what parts can tweaked but what things I should consider for the rest of story. Thank you again. :D

~Sama


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Review #43, by Haronione Aaliyah: The Meeting

11th August 2013:
This was an interesting and enjoyable first chapter :) I really liked your characterisation of Albus in this, very different from the few next-gen fics I have read. He definitely seems to have some very Slytherin traits in this chapter, and seems far from the golden boy he is usually portrayed as. I also liked Charlotte (although you have sometimes put her surname as Ronan and sometimes as Ranon) reading this made me think of how Rita Skeeter would have been at school.

Ok, so i have a bit of CC for you - There were a couple of times when there was a mix up with tenses. For example 'I only saw her use this voice a few times in her life' this should say 'I had only seen her use this voice a few times in her life'. Also, this line didn't read right to me 'A shudder passed through my body as I slowly realised that someone in fact was watching me.' I feel it would read better as '...someone was in fact watching me.' These are just small things that stood out to me and otherwise I felt it was well written and easy to read.

So, this chapter has left me wanting to read more. It has left me wondering what Aaliyah has needed to be shielded from and why, and whether she does eventually give in to Albus. I'm also intrigued to see how the relationship between Gabby and James progresses.

A great first chapter and I look forward to reading more :)

Haronione ♥

Author's Response:
Hi!

It is both interesting and enjoyable? I doubt it but I'm glad you thought it was. Haha, I never could see Albus as the golden boy. I don't why I just can't.

I didn't even notice that I mixed up her surname up. I'll be sure to fix that. She is a little like Rita Skeeter but not entirely. I think Rita would have been placed in Ravenclaw or Slytherin if she ever went to Hogwarts. While Charlotte is a Hufflepuff for a reason. ;)

Thank you for pointing those parts out. Sometimes if you have read the chapter too many times to count, editing gets difficult.

Aaliyah does have a past. Slowly, it will come out. I have a lot planned for all the characters, James and Gabby included. Thanks for the lovely review. :D

~Sama


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Review #44, by marauderfan Albus: The Decision

10th August 2013:
Hello- marauderfan here with your requested review!

I liked seeing things from Al's point of view in this, and I enjoyed seeing his friendship with Scorpius. The scenes you wrote with the two of them are great. (Btw, I know that given the epilogue of DH it doesn't make much sense for Al to be in Slytherin but honestly I love it when he is! I love the idea of Al and Scorpius being best friends! ;D)

As for the flow, there are a few places where the tense shifts between present and past mid-sentence, but otherwise I think it's good. I don't know if you need the titles above each section (eg. "Two days later") - you could just incorporate that into the narrative if you want. It's not bad the way you have it, either - just a personal preference I guess :)

Aaliyah seemed to be in contrast to the way she was characterised in the previous chapter but I understand that this is because it's Albus's perspective of her - and he's seeing a different, nervous side of her that didn't come out in the last chapter. I was a little confused why she agreed to Albus's idea but maybe that'll be revealed next time we hear from Aaliyah's POV.

For plot: I hope this doesn't sound mean or too analytical, but... based on Albus's constant staring/watching/thinking about Aaliyah, it seems that he likes her. So what I found myself wondering is why he doesn't just ask her on a real date? Maybe I just have little faith in the general idea of fake-dating, lol. But it seemed to me that they're kind of setting themselves up for disaster... what would Aaliyah possibly get out of this "relationship"? So maybe in the next chapter you can elaborate on Aaliyah's feelings and what made her change her mind.

One other thing I thought I'd point out is this sentence: Aaliyah has been in solitude from the frenzy we call the media for about a year now
This seemed a bit formal - I don't know that many people actually talk like that ;)

Anyway, I really hope this review is helpful rather than too critical! I think you're doing very well!

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for taking the time to do this.

For some reasion I have always seen those two as best friends. They have much more potential than just being strangers or classmates. You will see a lot more of Scorpius. And I am glad that those scenes are enjoyable.

I never notice how I change tenses. It may be because I write what I am thinking and my mind may have been in a different tense at the time. I'll be sure to edit this chapter to fix those.

She is percieved differently by Albus for a reason. I'm thinking of revealing it later since I am that evil. :P Aaliyah acts a little different around Albus since Albus is intimidating to her. You will be hearing from Aaliyah why she agreed next chapter. :)

I do get what you mean about him watching her but I assure you that he doesn't like her in that way or have a crush on her. Albus is very observant and he was waiting for the moment that she feels guilt or something of that sort.

You are right about them setting themselves up for disaster. Teenagers...they always think they can pull off the unevitable. I would know that more than anyone, haha. :P

Honestly, I don't know anyone who talks like that. *guilty face* That or I haven't met a person who talks like. I'll be sure to edit that part. :)

This review wasn't too critical, don't you worry. It was immensely helpful. Thanks again for taking the time for this.
~Sama


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Review #45, by AlexFan Albus: The Decision

10th August 2013:
Hey there! So here I am reviewing! I'll get right to it.

Things have gotten interesting and the plot has picked up and gotten interesting. Finally we get to see some action between these two characters!

It's often difficult to tell a story from different points of views and still be able to distinguish your characters but you've done it really well. I can tell that this is Albus because of the way that he thinks and treats people.

I like the fact that Scorpius just came right out and admitted that he liked Rose though. Nothing major or lots of drama just a straight out statement. It's nice from the usual screaming and fighting that I often witness.

The only thing that I can point out is the minor grammatical errors like "preposition" instead of "proposition." Other than that, awesome job!

Author's Response:
Hi again! I was hoping that the plot is coming along. You'll see even more action and reactions among Aaliyah and Albus in chapters to come. ;)

I get what you mean about the different points of views being difficult but I am happy that you could tell it was Albus easily. :)

Scorpius is my baby. :P He may have a drama queen side at times but he has always managed to be calm, collected, and straight forward. I think Rose is the kind that would do the screaming, fighting, and denial thing, lol. I always thought she would get that from her father.

My beta and I probably missed that. Oops. I'll go back and edit this chapter.
Thanks for the great review again.
~Sama


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Review #46, by 800 words of heaven Aaliyah: The Meeting

8th August 2013:
Hello! Here from review tag!

It's been a long while since I read any young adult fanfiction! I think this has quite a promising plot, with enough tension between the characters to keep things interesting!

I do have a few CCs, though. This might just be me, but the flow felt a little off in some places, especially when you changed the tense between past and present. I think your main OC has a lot of potential for growth and development, but at this point, I don't feel like I really know her. I reckon I know more about Albus which is really weird because he's supposed to be dark and mysterious and difficult to read. On that regard, I expected to get a better idea of James, especially because you mention that he's been her best friend for a long time.

I liked the literary devices that you used - the similes added quite a lot to the story, although it did feel like there was a lack of description at times? I have no idea what Charlotte Ronan looks like now, or what the room they were in was like.

All that aside, I really do think that this has so much potential to be a very interesting story. I'd love to see this take a completely different direction, because right now an Albus-centric romance seems inevitable, although I adore a good cliche. Whatever you write though, I look forward to it!

Author's Response:
Hello! Yes, I do realize that the flow is a off and I have been trying to fix that. Your advice on characterization was very helpful. Albus is the dark and mysterious one and though Aaliyah is smart she got his character down wrong. That is why he'll keep being a mystery. I'll try my best to add in more information about James.

I did forget to add in a description of Charlotte. I'll probably edit that chapter and put it in somewhere or weave into one of the later chapters.

I'm ecstatic that you do think this story has potential. It is always good to here that, haha. :) I may throw in a couple cliches here and there but I have a different plan for Aaliyah and Al.

Thanks for the great review. √ʬô¬•√ʬô¬•
~Sama


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Review #47, by AlexFan Aaliyah: The Meeting

6th August 2013:
Congratulations on posting your first story! This is an interesting start to it! I'm looking forward to reading more and finding out more about this fake-relationship.

I'm especially interested to see how Albus tries to convince Aaliyah to fake date him. Speaking of Aaliyah, I really like her. Clearly she doesn't take things lying down and she tells people to back off when they should. I've always MC's who are like that.

I'm also interested in Ronan and what part she has to play in this story as well, clearly she holds a lot of power and I want to see what she does with that.

Awesome start to a story and I'm excited for the next chapter!

Author's Response:
Thank you for such a positive review! Haha, I thought it may have came out a little boring. I'm glad you find it interesting though.

Albus has a different way of convincing people. That's probably where his Slytherin instincts kick in. Aaliyah is independent and strong willed. I was hoping that those things about her came through.

Ronan is actually one of my favorite characters. The thing about giving a character power is to make that character believable in how they use it and why they do the things they do. You'll definitely see her later.

Thanks again for the awesome review!
Next chapter is in the que!
~Sama


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Review #48, by RavenclawGirl11 Aaliyah: The Meeting

6th August 2013:
Okay hi... I'm True_Ravenclaw from over on the forums. Okay first of all, I can tell STRAIGHT away you are American. "Mom" is the American spelling, "Mum" is the British version.

Also, you spelt Mcgonagal wrong somewhere, and some points you need to work on your punctation. Maybe include some description?

But, on to the good stuff.

This is a good opening chapter, and leaves me wanting to read on. I think you have a really good plot and could take this to the next level, but, like I said add some description as I was VERY confused
Sorry for such a negative review,
~ Macy ;P

Author's Response:
Hello! My beta and I probably missed 'Mom' and 'McGonagall.' Sometimes being American fixing my Americanisms can be hard. Thanks for pointing it out. Description will slowly be added in. I'm sorry that it was so confusing.

Thanks for the review.
~Sama


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Review #49, by blackballet Aaliyah: The Meeting

4th August 2013:
This was awesome! It vaguely (but oh so vaguely) reminds me of etc, etc, and life goes on, but that doesn't even matter! I love how you put Albus in Slytherin, that's truly inspired. I think this really has promise, and I'm really intrigued, actually. I never used to read Next-gen, but I have been so into it lately. Can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Lol, same here! I used to love Marauders until I got into Next Gen. :)

Albus in my opinion should have been in Slytherin. I think it wouldn't make sense if all the Potters were in Gryfffindor, you know? I'm glad that you are intrigued and find this promising. Thank you for your thoughtful review!

~Sama


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Review #50, by lovethepotters Aaliyah: The Meeting

30th July 2013:
Here for the review tag!

I think you've got some really nice imagery in this chapter - I feel as though I can perfectly picture all the scenarios in my head!

I like how you've made Albus a Slytherin - it's a nice change from the stereotypical Potter in Gryffindor :) It's also nice to see Aaliyah as a strong-willed main character. I haven't found many stories like this so it'll be interesting to see where it goes!

A word of CC: As I'm sure you've noticed, you have some errors in grammar (e.g. spelling, tenses) which disrupt the flow in the story. If you manage to fix these up, the story will flow better :)

I think that's all I have to say - a solid start, it'll be interesting to see how Aaliyah and Albus' relationship unfolds :)

Author's Response:
Hi! For some reason I always see Albus as a Slytherin. That's why I wrote him as one. :O Aaliyah is a character that I stays true to herself no matter what. So that's why she came out strong-willed.

It's great that you can picture all of it in your head. Imagery was something I wanted to get right but at the same time not overdo it. And I officially have a beta to help me catch those mistakes. The edited chapter is in the que and the CC was helpful.

Thanks for the lovely review.
And Albus and Aaliyah's relationship is going to be veryyy interesting. ;)
~Sama


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