Reading Reviews for Crossing Delicate Boundaries
  
87 Reviews Found

Review #26, by Meleessuhh Bad Timing

24th June 2014:
You know what, I really like the pace of your story. It's not rushed and I despise rushed stories because there is no development of character or plot and everyone just wants romance. I like how Draco is subtle about checking out Hermione and is being more observant than lustful and I like how Hermione is taking her time with her relationship with Ron. It's also nice seeing a lot of Malfoy's point of view showing that he really isn't that bad of a person. Oh and is Astoria lying?? I have a feeling she wants to trap him in a relationship haha. Great chapter can't wait for the next update :)

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks for stopping by and reading this story of mine ;) I'm glad you like the pacing- I am working really hard on it because I didn't do so well in the past. I hope you keep reading on!! And you will find out about Astoria soon enough! :)

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Review #27, by thetrainridein Bad Timing

24th June 2014:
loving it so far, keep it up x

Author's Response: Hey! Thanks very much! So glad you like it! :D

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Review #28, by Veritaserum27 Nightmares

18th June 2014:
Hi Lindsey, here for the review swap!

So, we finally get to see what was going on with Draco! I thought he was acting really suspicious when he and Hermione visited that woman. I actually feel really bad for him. That whole scene was written really well.

At the end of this chapter Draco comments to himself that he thinks Azkaban changed him, but I think he had a conscience all along. He may not want to admit it, but he has a good heart.

I need to comment on your pacing of this story. It is excellent. Too many authors try to just jump right into getting Hermione and Draco together. Either that or they try to make Draco into someone who is totally different from the books. You have given him believable qualities and, at the same time, not taken away the pure blood in him.

Astoria. Ugh. She is nasty, selfish and mean. I think Draco realizes this already but isn't sure what to do, because he is expected to marry her.

I also like the way you interjected little hints of Draco caring about Hermione. It is really subtle and again, paced really well.

In addition, I wanted to comment on your use of descriptions. For example, you started the chapter with a freezing night and ended it with a hot shower. Both events were the extremes and both were painful for Draco. Excellent use of literary elements. This chapter was about Draco's pain and you did a great job with it!

Thanks for doing a review swap!

Beth

Author's Response: Hey Beth,
Eeek, thank you so much for the nice review!
I am so glad that you enjoyed reading this and that you think I am doing a good job so far. That makes me happy!!! I think my writing has def improved since my past stories. I hope you continue to read on eventually. Thank you!
-Lindsey


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Review #29, by TidalDragon Questions and Concerns

18th June 2014:
Howdy howdy! Back to fill your review request as I procrastinate badly on my own story :/

So I do want to underscore at the start that I think you are definitely making strides with the story. The dialogue and characterizations have become a lot more fitting from what I can tell so far and slowing things down to develop this new plotline with the murder(s?) should help you stay patient while injecting something that can maintain interest while the romantic side is a bit cooler.

A few general things stood out this time. First, there were a number of times toward the beginning where you used phrases like "of course" or "as usual". In some instances, the latter will be warranted, for example if you're announcing a routine that will be important to know about the character's day. However, most of the places where I noticed it in the chapter, it felt unnecessary to me. On some of those occasions as well, for example, the listing of the ingredients of French toast, it also underscored the idea that perhaps what you were including along with that phrase was itself unnecessary. If you find yourself interjecting those types of phrases, I would ask yourself the question - do I need this? It may be a subconscious clue that you don't.

The other two minor points were these: Teddy's speech and the investigation bit. With Teddy's speech, I think you mentioned he was three. His sentences seem awfully well-structured and his ability to enunciate complex names like "Andromeda" is surprising. If we're going to learn he's something of a wunderkind, alright...if not, I'd think about it. Andromeda's name especially stuck out since he can't manage Hermione's just a line earlier.

With the investigation, if you're going to really work that plotline like is seems you are from your A/N, I think you're going to want to bulk up this investigative portion. Even if they obtained literally nothing of note, it would be nice for the reader to see how a magical investigation works (in your mind) in more detail. We don't get this from canon so I think the nitty-gritty might be something that readers would yearn for.

Overall, I think the arc of the chapter itself was sound though. It was coherent from beginning to end, had specific and distinct scenes that all served a legitimate purpose and you flowed fairly seamlessly from scene to scene. Just as an experiment, at a key moment in the next chapter, maybe try to heavily analyze your word choice. See if you can make the big moment really pop with stronger adjectives in descriptions and words that are laden with emotion or a certain connotation. That can take what you're doing well and raise it to the next level!

It's been a fun journey so far! I can tell you are working hard to trying to make this story as strong as possible and really polish your skills as a writer. Believe me it is showing! You have made great strides since your first request alone and that's something I think you should be really proud of!

As always, I hope I've proved useful, and don't be shy about re-requesting. As long as my queue isn't full, there's no official turnaround time limit for re-requests in my thread. You're not guilty of this, but all I ask is that you kindly respond to my last before requesting again. It may sound silly, but I appreciate the dialogue so I can leap in next time with a better understanding and hopefully be more helpful.

Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hi there,
Wow, what a nice review! I am very happy that you are taking the time to keep reading my story and I get excited every-time I see one of your great reviews! I like all the points that you include and the advise as well. I will def re-request! And thanks again!


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Review #30, by ReeBee Positive or Negative

18th June 2014:
Hi there Lindsey! Here for our review swap! Thank you for offering! :D This is just so good because I've been meaning to read a Dramione (Im pretty sure this is one…?) for a long time! :D so thank you!

Characterisation: i loved Hermione in this! A lot of other fics portray her as really clingy and Ron as the one who breaks it off and just clingy and emotional. But i love that she's feeling the distance and sort of growing apart and her feelings are dying down too. And wow, your description makes me hate ron, or just feel something weird :P And Ginny seems super sweet! Such a good friend! I really hope whatever's going to happen doesn't affect their friendship! And also, I love hermione's thoughts on Draco and his parents :'( that part was super sad.

Description: of events was really good! I quite liked that you did it without making it sound like you were just regurgitating a list or anything like that so that was great! The only CC I have is maybe a bit more description on Hermione's actual feelings/emotions? There was some but I would love more! But since this is only the first chapter, its really only just a base, so whatever's fine :)

Plot: Im interested! The last line made my blood boil :P Thats a good thing ;) And like i mentioned in the first part, i love that Hermione's feelings are starting to cool down for Ron, it is really realistic because you know, it could have just been like a passion of the moment kind of thing! So Im really interested! :D

I think you have such a great start here and i cant wait to read more! :D

-Curie :)

Author's Response: Hi Curie!
Well I hope that my Dramione will be the one that you read. I am so glad that you liked it and that you for the most part don't see any errors poking out! Yay! Thanks so much!!!
-Lindsey


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Review #31, by Jusdelime Questions and Concerns

16th June 2014:
Hi !
Just wanted to tell you that so far i enjoy your story very much and i think it has a lot of potential. :)

Author's Response: Hey there! Thank you so much!! I'm glad you like it so far and that you think it has alot of potential. :) I hope you read on!!!

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Review #32, by x,peverell Questions and Concerns

16th June 2014:
love the story! keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Hi! thanks so much!

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Review #33, by jin1 Questions and Concerns

16th June 2014:
Wow, I think your story is going quite awesomely and I can't wait to read more into what is going to happen. I like the mystery type stories and it seems like your's will be like that update soon

Author's Response: hey jin
thanks so much for coming by and reviewing my story again I am happy that you are still enjoying it and keep on reading! yay!


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Review #34, by Meleessuhh Questions and Concerns

16th June 2014:
Don't discourage yourself! I think you're doing a great job! I've actually been refreshing all day to see if there was finally an update haha. I like the setting of your story a lot because it's not overwhelmingly dark or too fabricated. Keep up the great work :)

Author's Response: Well hi there!
Thanks so much for the surprise review and I am so flattered that you have been waiting for an update! :D I am glad you like the way it is coming together so far and I promise there's more to come. :)
Please keep reading!
-Lindsey


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Review #35, by marauderfan Nightmares

12th June 2014:
Tag!

Wow, great job with the tense, scary mood for the first section of the chapter. I think it really shows how Draco might believe some of the same things about Mudbloods that the rest of the Desth Eaters think, but he isn't willing to commit the same crimes they are. He's all talk, for as much as he says Mudbloods are scum, he doesn't want to kill them, and even doesn't want them to die. I imagine that memory of that screaming woman and her daughter really changed him. What a horrible thing to have on his conscience, and definitely something Astoria wouldn't understand as she wasn't a Death Eater.

Astoria doesn't seem very nice, despite Draco saying she's funny. I suppose all we've really seen of her is kind of like the side of Draco that he left behind in Azkaban. It looks like Astoria hasn't changed since the war, but Draco has. She seems, if anything, darker, what with her wanting Hermione dead, as if she's bitter her side i.e. Voldemorts side lost in the war. I guess this will begin to make their relationship difficult, though I'm surprised it hasn't already. But I guess if most of their relationship has been just corresponding through letters while he was in prison, there are things that they didnt realise about each other until now. Time will tell I suppose!

great chapter!

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks so much for coming back and reviewing again! :D I'm glad you liked it and the detail I put in it. I especially like that you think it's a good chapter. Thanks again :D

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Review #36, by lumos_knox Positive or Negative

11th June 2014:
Hello, I'm here for the review swap!

I'm really it took me so long to get here...

Anyway, you've got a brilliant story beginning here. You've got the right amounts of everything- descriptions, adjectives, etc. I'm loving the plot line, and how you introduced Malfoy early, and Hermione's very small view of him. I felt sorry for Malfoy at the line "you should have seen his face" because it means he was probably seriously distraught.

Dun, dun dun to Lavender Brown! I never liked her much AT ALL. Now, she's back, and something's going to happen and she's going to be in the thick of it. I just KNOW IT. To Won Won? This has got to mean serious trouble. As for Hermione losing Ron's spark... it makes me really sad to see that relationship coming to an end.

Ron, you idiot, can't you see what's happening to Hermione? Stop owling Lavender! :) Ron's always been naive like that, it's just him, but he's got to know that he's hurting Hermione... :(

As for CC... there isn't much. I'd just do a few grammar checks, but otherwise, everything else was great! Keep up the fantastic work.

- lumos_knox

Author's Response: Hey lumos,
Wow, thank you so much for the sweet review! And that's okay about the wait I didn't mind! :D
I am so glad you liked it. I hope you eventually come back for more and read to see what happens to Ron and Hermione because they aren't breaking up just yet ;)


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Review #37, by Hats For House Elves Pansy's Fate

11th June 2014:
OK second review. For the second half. It's long. You might want to get comfortable.

Some things that jumped out at me. Dialogue, using a double barrel name and time.

Dialogue. Have you read it aloud? There are some conversations that seem a little unnatural. You tend to use longer sentences than people who know each other so well would say to each other. Some seem a bit formal.

Ron and Hermione have had a history, in the books, of not really saying what they mean. Both have been oblivious to the way they feel and I doubt that they have grown up so much as to cool down from such a big argument in a few hours. Unless of course they are in their early 30's and have had many resolved arguments. In that case their relationship would be solid as a rock. My guess, because your aim is that they separate is that they are not emotionally mature enough in their relationship to be so in tune with how they feel. Ron coming back after just one day seems a little far-fetched. Unless Harry/Ginny/A Weasley such as Bill kicked him back with the express instruction to say what he did. Even in that case I doubt Ron is at a stage would be that straight forward about how he feels and would deviate from any script in desperation. Miscommunication is the key to this break up. Ron thinks Hermione knows how he feels about her and maybe took it for granted when talking to Lavender. Hermione thinks Ron knows what she wants.

I think it's great that you have Ron trying to solve their problems with food. That is Ron through and through. If someone is crying make a cup of tea. If you want to say sorry, cook breakfast. Perfect.

Hermione will be conflicted. She lets him back into the house. There will be part of her, particularly at this stage of the story, which wants her relationship to fix itself. There is going to be an element of safety in what is familiar. When Ron comes back and puts all his attention on Hermione I would be convinced that she would at least end up kissing him. Maybe that's the part of me screaming for an element of canon in the story, but part of the reason she lost her temper, had the argument and split with him was because he was paying more attention to Lavender than Hermione. That's the way I read it.

One little thing that really bugged me, was that you went and wrote Narcissa Black-Malfoy. This whole double barrelling of names is a trend I see in a lot of HPFF, not just yours. It frustrates me every single time. It's ridiculously clear in the books that double barrel names are uncommon. Wives take their husband's name. Narcissa Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange Alice Longbottom. Ginny becomes Ginny Potter, see Pottermore, Hermione becomes Hermione Weasley. It's a personal peeve
My advice to avoid it would be, if you want to highlight the links to the Black family write it into your story mention the cousins and the sisters etc. If the form needs her maiden name say Narcissa Malfoy nee Black. If it's not vital don't mention it.

Time. I have no idea how long your story is taking place over. The first few chapters were 24 hours. But these last three seem more like months? If so, more everyday stuff needs to happen.
Azkaban.

Really describe the feel of the place. I doubt they would be taken to Malfoy's cell. More likely that Malfoy be brought to them in an interview room, with guard. Draco would be nervous, but as other reviewers have said he has spent years hiding his emotions. Maybe it gets too much and he runs but letting his emotions get the better of him in front of Potter is a humiliation. The last time that happened he attempted an unforgivable curse and ended up in the hospital wing. Are dementors still at Azkaban or have they abandoned the place? Your description of the cell and Narcissa is good. I think you can give more. More description. Is this the first time Hermione has visited or not? Has she been working with Narcissa before?

The vast majority of your word count is dialogue and I'm having trouble seeing the setting.
Your plot as ever is good with interesting and exciting elements. It's a turbulent cauldron of struggle and I can't wait to see the reaction when it all gets going.

Oh I almost finished and then remembered the whole Astoria bombshell and Pansy.

So the Astoria bombshell. You're really painting her as a right... unpleasant person. I love that plot line I think I said some unpleasant things at the screen when I read that. If her aim is to tie Draco down with a baby I don't think she would tell him. She will spring the opportunity on him in the hope that she falls pregnant but by not telling him it's worse. Time scale is again a bit of a problem here. If they only got together after Draco got out of Azkaban how much time has passed for Astoria to be thinking about children.

There has to be a reason these two are together but there are no scenes where I really see it. Clearly they are in a physical relationship and they moved in together.

Pansy. While good I think your Pansy plot line is a real opportunity missed though maybe you've saved all this for the aftermath but I think it can be introduced before they find her. It is an opportunity to show that these characters are only human. That their emotional needs are the same as everyone else. When they're worried, they need support, when they are upset they need comfort. It's an opportunity for us to see the other side of Slytherins. For the good bits of the Astoria/Draco relationship to step forward. Comforting each other is what I believe to be the foundation of their relationship. Draco must care. Let us see it.

Reading through my review must seem like it's nothing but suggestions for improvement and negative comments. Again a very harsh review. I'm sorry. I will end on a positive. With a bit more expansion of the scenery there is potential in this plot to have me liking a Draco/Hermione story. First time for everything I suppose.

I'm running out of space.

Hats

Author's Response: Hats,
WOW WOW WOW. Lol. That was alot of information to take in at once but all so wonderful information.
I have a problem fixing sometimes the things you mentioned and I have tried editing it a few times already. I actually edited a lot last night and tried to fix some things that reviewers have pointed out at me, so maybe it got a little bit better? I added alot of detail and tried to fix and tweak some things, maybe come back in a few days and check it out again?
I enjoy your reviews and I don't by any means take them personally, I think you give awesome reviews actually! I also think you would be an amazing beta!
Speaking of a beta, since I have one now she might be able to help me clear up some of the mistakes that I have too.
And I am honored that I almost have you liking a Dramione story! Wow! Haha.
Anyways, thanks so much again for the review and I hope you enjoyed it for the most part.
-Lindsey


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Review #38, by marauderfan Neighbors

11th June 2014:
Wow. So.. hangover and then finding out that Malfoy is your neighbour - that's got to rank up there on the list of terrible mornings. Poor Hermione! I do not envy her.

I like the way you've written both Draco and Hermione. Hermione is very assertive and businesslike, exactly how I'd imagine her at a Ministry job. I like how you've described her job too. It seems like an important and necessary job. And Draco is really well portrayed too. Rather than being civil to her like he was at the pub the previous night, he's a lot more bitter and defensive here which is fitting because Hermione is his superior in this job, which he's obviously furious about. So great job writing that dynamic.

That scene where the woman recognised Draco as one of the men who was there when her husband was killed - that was so intense and a really good scene. He must be going through a lot. I wonder if he will ever talk to Hermione about it - she did try to cover for him there, even if it was just to save face for the Ministry.

wonderful chapter! Thanks for the swap!

Author's Response: Hey there!
I am so glad you enjoyed reading this chapter! :) I hope I can get another review from you soon!!! :D
Thanks sooo much!


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Review #39, by toomanycurls Neighbors

11th June 2014:
Ick - hangovers. I like to pretend wizards have a potion for that. :D

hahaha, it is Hermione's luck that she'd get Draco as a neighbor. :-o I hope she doesn't end up breaking him and Astoria up - then she'd be just as bad as Lav. I'm dying over here. This has to be a horrible day for Hermione. :D And I'm kind of loving her mysery.

Dude, I'm kind of surprised (well, maybe not) that Draco would be so venemous to Hermione at work. Not when he's an ex-con, well, death eather. Though, it is fitting for him. I can't beleive he'd pick a fight with her like that over the case. I wonder if he'd do that if Harry were there.

Hermione has a great official/police voice going on. She sounds very official. I guess having Draco along could cause that kind of issue. I bet poor Draco has to face that quite a lot though. :-/ (I only kind of feel sorry for him.) I imagine that if he were involved in her husband's death, he was doing it against his will. A lot of what Draco did during the last bit of the war was just to keep alive.

You're digging them quite a hole to get out of. I'll be interested to see how they build up from here!

-Rose

Author's Response: Hey Rose! :)
Thanks for the review. I am glad that you seem interested in the story and I am happy that I am doing pretty well with characterization because as you know, I struggled with that before.
I like digging holes in my stories :P it makes it a little more interesting I think. I hope you can come back and read on.


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Review #40, by lo Positive or Negative

11th June 2014:
love your story, curious to see how it goes!

Author's Response: hey thank you! :)

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Review #41, by jin1 Pansy's Fate

11th June 2014:
Poor Pansy... I always didn't like her but I feel bad for Blaise. He didn't deserve to lose the girl he loves. Good job

Author's Response: Thanks so much jin, that means alot!!!

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Review #42, by jin1 These Cell Walls

11th June 2014:
Well Malfoy is the same, rude guy as usual isn't he?
I love the story so far and I can't wait to read the next chapter to see what Narcissa's stay in Azkaban is like.

Author's Response: Yep, good ol Malfoy, rude as usual.

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Review #43, by Veritaserum27 Neighbors

10th June 2014:
Hi Lindsey, here for the review swap!

My, my, my. Hermione has had a rough couple of days, has she not? First, Ron is a total jerk to her - and basically runs out on her to be with Lavender. Then, she had a hard time at the Leaky Cauldron and wakes up with a hangover. Then she finds out that Malfoy, her worst enemy, is her neighbor AND her coworker. Aarrgh! I think she deserves SOMETHING good to happen to her!

I love the banter you have going between Hermione and Draco. You've stayed true to character. The two absolutely detest each other, and that is obvious. I really liked your dialogue, when they were going back and forth. Hermione is not about to let Draco win and he is far to proud to admit that she is is superior.

I also really liked the way you described Hermione's job. It is entirely possible that there would be someone at the ministry who needs to sort through all of the cases and decide which ones are severe enough to hand off to the auror department and which ones are minor and can be handled more quickly.

Draco obviously has some sort of a secret. Did he help kill innocents during the war? I wonder if Astoria knows, or if it is too dark for him to share with her. Hmmm... I am intrigued.

Good job developing the mystery here! I can't wait to read more!

Beth

Author's Response: Hey Beth! Yay! Another awesome review from you!!! :)
I am very happy that you feel I am doing good with the dramione pacing... because I have been working hard to make this story a bit believable. I am also glad that you enjoyed Hermione's job description because I too think it would make sense for there to be a department where they have to sort out cases. :) and I also can see that Hermione maybe doesn't want to be an Auror like everyone else, maybe she wants to do something a little different than her best friend and boyfriend because Ron and Hermione already live together, so I would probably not want to work with my husband (in her case bf) either. Thanks again for a lovely review Beth, you are awesome! I will go and re-request whenever I can.
-Lindsey


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Review #44, by TidalDragon Pansy's Fate

7th June 2014:
Okay!

So what I think is actually one of the best things you can do for a Draco/Hermione story is what you apologized for in your Author's Note. It's completely fine that there is no interaction between Draco and Hermione in chapters. I think it's very important because if you're going to make the development of that eventual endgame believable that each need time to confront issues of their own and grow to the point where a relationship between them could possibly become believable. Do NOT apologize for this, even implicitly, and I'd recommend thinking about how you could intersperse it MORE.

We got more of Astoria here. I found her rather immature honestly, but perhaps that's how she is. She's younger than the rest of the canon characters so it's certainly conceivable. My real beef with her is she's rather hot-cold. You portray her initially as unrepentant about what happened in the war, but then the sudden death of Pansy suddenly gives her perspective on the war? This seems very surprising.

As far as the...passionate scene goes, I think you need to be more detailed and patient or perhaps just treat it obliquely. I'm not going to pretend that I've written loads of these scenes (I've written one), but I think if you're going to address it, it needs to be a big deal and be handled incredibly realistically or it needs to be a situation where you have them start snogging, then line break, and it's later and they're having the conversation in bed. You seemed to be in two minds in writing the scene - tentative about the subject area and afraid of crossing the line, but still wanting to have the scene. This is just my opinion, but I think with scenes like that there's just no middle ground to be found, so that's something to think about.

Kingsley's casual appearance and demeanor in the chapter seemed a bit surprising to me as well, but that was a minor point.

Keep on keeping on, and PM me if you have any questions. While I won't pretend I'm some wizard with passionate scenes, I'd be happy to let you know where you can find the scene I wrote on the archives and at least see what you think. Maybe it would be helpful, maybe not.

Author's Response: Thanks for another awesome review!! :)

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Review #45, by TidalDragon These Cell Walls

7th June 2014:
Howdy howdy!

As far as this chapter went, I think you definitely had the right idea in terms of plot and I like what you did with the descriptions of Harry's office and Azkaban. Those things were necessary to develop their respective scenes, and in the case of Azkaban, to set the proper mood. Supplementing them with Hermione's internal thoughts about some of them in more detail might be a nice touch, but I thought it was good you included those parts.

I did think Hermione and Harry's sympathy for Draco was a bit excessive. While I can certainly see them appreciating the difficulty of the situation, such outward expressions seem less likely. I felt the same about Draco's outpourings of emotion facing his mother. Naturally he would be emotional, but he has spent much of his life controlling displays of weakness, especially in front of people he views as enemies. Would he really cry in front of Harry and Hermione or would he find a way to suppress it? My guess is the latter. Narcissa, I thought was handled largely well, though I don't know how I feel about her apology for Sirius's death. I can't decide whether I think it's actually OOC, but it definitely seems a case of too-little-too-late and for that reason I doubt it would come up.

The biggest thing again for me though was word choice. To provide a few examples, I'd look at these things:

"Draco's bad attitude didn't keep Harry from talking to Hermione questionably..."

I think you're trying to say he questioned her privately or individually, but as written you are saying the fact that he was talking to Hermione is somehow questionable or that the content of what they were discussing was questionable in some way.

"...I would have been questioned if I was loyal or not..."

A clearer, more succinct way of putting this would be "my loyalty would have been questioned".

A couple more minor things that stood out were that as phrased, the reference to Bellatrix at the beginning is open enough to interpretation by an uninformed or forgetful reader that Bellatrix is still alive. Think about making it clearer that you are trying to draw a comparison between Narcissa and Bellatrix's faces because they're sisters.

Second, Hermione being jealous of Harry's office. Throughout canon, I can't think of an instance where Hermione has EVER been jealous of Harry. It seems unlikely she'd start now, and certainly not with an office. If you really want to try and inject some jealousy into that relationship for purposes of your plot, given what you've written already it would seem more likely to arise when she sees all the pictures of he and Ginny - her relationship is falling apart, while Harry's is going on splendidly. But I'd still temper that with some self-reproach because I think Hermione's position would be that the good things in Harry's life are very much deserved after all he's been through.

Just some thoughts, but I think you're definitely getting stronger and stronger as you go on!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for another awesome review! I am so glad that you think i am getting stronger with my writing. I hope that I continue to do so because that is my goal of course. Sorry for the delay in response.. i have been sick. Anyways.. i appreciate the detailed review and will make some edits. :)

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Review #46, by TidalDragon A Tough Investigation

7th June 2014:
Hello again! Dropping by to fill this before I get caught up in the House Cup! I wouldn't want you to be my first broken deadline promise...

Jumping right in, I'm not sure whether or not you've done any editing of earlier chapters to make it mesh at all, but I think your decision to walk back some of the Draco/Hermione feelings is a wise one. You didn't accomplish it completely with Draco now checking out Hermione, but that rang more believable than previous instances of possible attraction between them.

The one thing that rang the most off to me in terms of characterization was Hermione sharing details of she and Ron's issues with Draco. Even in an emotionally-fragile state, this seems incredibly unlikely. I think it's made even more unlikely by the context in which it happens. Draco and Ron were just sniping at each other again, and whatever Hermione's anger toward Ron, I find it doubtful she would give a person who she recognizes is going to be a lifelong enemy potentially damaging information about him. The sniping was nice though - I definitely see that part happening between Ron and Draco.

Going forward, I think the biggest thing to continue to look at is dialogue. I think Ron's was relatively sound because he does tend to speak more plainly and certainly (among these three anyway) is the least mature. While you did a good job of making Hermione speak a bit more formally, I would look for ways to better convey the tone and mood in her speech itself. When she is hesitant for example ellipses (...) are a good choice to intersperse or end on, with Ron perhaps picking up on a sentence ended that way to resume arguing his case. When she is sarcastic or firm, don't be afraid of using italics to emphasize that. Generally speaking, I'd also look to match the word choice to the depth of the situation being addressed. Despite Ron's immaturity and plain manner, I think he's likely to be much more considered with what he says and does while trying to get back in Hermione's good graces and I think she's going to be incredibly measured with her speech around him. With Draco, I'd resist the urge to have him always be snarky. Though it's often his default in canon, if you're going to really portray him as changed or reformed, you might begin introducing non-verbal resistance on occasion. This is something you can increase as the story progresses until you decide the time is ripe to then have him actually "thaw" (if that's what you have in mind for his character) and it will read as a consistent progression over the course of the story.

On to the next chapter!

Author's Response: Hi again Kevin,
Thanks so much once again for an amazing review. I love your reviews!!
Thank you for the CC and advice as well I will def make some changes.
-Lindsey


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Review #47, by magicalmayhem Pansy's Fate

7th June 2014:
You have a good writing style and I'm interested to see where you're going with the story line.

Author's Response: Hello,
Thank you so much. I'm glad you are interested with this so far! I hope that you keep reading on ;) Thank you so much for reviewing!


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Review #48, by Infinityx Neighbors

6th June 2014:
Hello, I'm back! Here for the review tag.

I like what you've going on here. There are a lot of elements that come together and help expand the plot.

I really like the way you've written Hermione. You've given her a formal, assertive tone when she's working, which is keeping with her character. She's also civil to Malfoy since it's her job to mentor him, no matter how much she might not want to. I like how you've kept her character true to canon as well as adapt her to fit your story. Good job there!

I found it a little stretched that Malfoy just happened to move into the house next to hers. I realize that it's probably necessary for the plot to have them in close proximity and interact more, as well as to be privy to each other's personal lives, but make sure you keep a conscious watch on what seems realistic and what doesn't. Since you've made them neighbours, I expect some interesting interactions between them!

It's really sad how Draco's always shadowed by his past deeds. I'm sure he didn't really want to do anything but was made to for the sake of his family. I hope he comes to terms with them soon. I'm quite happy with the way you characterized him as well. You haven't made him become an angel, but kept him true to his nature.

Great chapter! Like I said before, make sure you keep your tenses consistent and check your spellings. :)

~Erin

Author's Response: Hey Erin,
Thanks so much for swinging by and giving me another awesome review!
:)


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Review #49, by marauderfan Letters from Lav

5th June 2014:
Hello! I'm here with your requested review!

Oh no! Lavender is nothing but trouble. And Ron, oh he doesn't know when to shut up, does he? I laughed so hard when Ginny hit Ron in the face with a fish. Best scene in the chapter. :D

Honestly, I'm kind of annoyed at both Ron and Hermione! Mostly Ron for not knowing how to tell Lavender to cut it out (...again.. repeat of 6th year. ugh Ron) but also with Hermione for overreacting and dropping an ultimatum on him, she seemed very controlling over Ron being friends with an ex. But yeah, I do feel more sympathy for Hermione because her career is important to her, and because of the way Ron was trying to defend himself. Saying Lavender is 'just' a crush? *facepalm* Derp. What a mess.

Your characterisation of Ginny is good, I can easily believe that she'd be on Hermione's side in all this and blame Ron for being stupid. And apart from one bit in which Harry sneers angrily at Ron, I think he was pretty well written too, trying not to say anything too strong that will get either of his best friends angry at him.

Here's the thing, though. I feel like the reasons for Ron and Hermione's breakup could have been elaborated a bit more. I mean, I get that it was because of Lavender, but you have these two paragraphs of Hermione's thoughts while she's filling the bathtub, which add a whole new layer to it. I think you could expand a lot more on that, how Ron didn't mind writing to an old girlfriend because his current girlfriend was always at work with these long hours, etc, it could have been built up more perhaps prior to their argument. As is, it kind of seems like an afterthought when I think it is some of the strongest material in there and reminds the reader that it's not only because of Lavender that this relationship is failing. Does that make sense? :-/ I think those are two really wonderful paragraphs that were glossed over, and expanding on it would make the story more believable.

And Malfoy appears! Honestly this scene was so well written. It was uncomfortable and awkward, exactly how a first meeting with post-prison Malfoy and heartbroken Hermione would be. He's not nice or instantly reformed, and she doesn't want to see him. Its great because Dramione is a romance that I think has to be built slowly, and this is starting from square one: no romance or even hints of it yet. So that felt quite realistic.

I spotted a small continuity error.. Tom says to Malfoy that he won't tolerate Malfoy stumbling out drunk again, but then later Malfoy says he just got out of Azkaban that day. So either Tom has a really excellent memory recalling Malfoy leaving drunk a good number of years ago, or Malfoy has been in the pub all day and just left and came back or something. :p I would revise one of those sections to clear it up ;)

All in all this was a good chapter! Nice work on it :D

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks so much for the review and I hope you come back for more! I will revise some things;) please come back and read on ;)

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Review #50, by Infinityx Letters from Lav

4th June 2014:
Hello Lindsey! I'm back for the review you requested. I was going to review this again anyway, then realized that you'd requested, and got right to it. I'll be back to review the rest later. :)

So, this chapter was really intense. Ron is such an idiot. Your characterizations are pretty great. It's just like him to blabber on and then realize that he said something wrong. He seems really selfish as well, but I'll just attribute it to his tiny emotional range.

You've written their fight really well, too. It's like Hermione to not stand for something like that. Maybe Ron's telling the truth and doesn't want to be with Lavender, but he needs to learn when to draw the line.

Ginny's hotheadedness was a nice touch to complete the picture, as well as Harry's brotherly nature toward Hermione. So characterizations are good here. :)

So, Draco makes an appearance. I'm glad that you haven't made him out to be a completely sweet person like a lot of fics do when they have a reformed Draco in them. A relationship takes a lot of time, especially when there's such bad history between the people. I suggest you take things slow on that account as the story progresses. You've done a good job so far. Make sure their two worlds coincide slowly, not collide and just become an unbelievable happy ending.

I do hope Ron and Hermione works things out, and Ron grows up and cuts ties with Lavender. She's just bad news there, and I'm sure he really loves Hermione.

There are quite a few spelling errors and tense changes. At times you used 'is', and at times 'was'. I know I already suggested getting a beta to go over it, but I also know how difficult it is to have one person stick through the entire fic. What I suggest is PMing the Quick Betas to go over single chapters and seeing if they'd be willing to continue later.

Also, if you're editing a bit by yourself while waiting for a beta, here's what I suggest. Read through the fic backwards. It won't make sense, but that way you can check for spelling errors. I do that when I proofread and it really helps. Then you can check for tense discontinuities. See which tense you started with, and scan through to make sure it's the same one throughout. Reading the fic aloud also helps to figure out where there are awkward phrasings or run-ons.

Your plot is great though, and can head in so many wonderful directions! Good luck, and I'll be back to review some more! I hope this review was helpful, and not too harsh. *hug*

~Erin

Author's Response: Hey Erin,
I didn't think it was harsh at all it was very helpful.
I'm so glad you came by again to read it:) I'm excited for you to read more and in the mean time I'll make some changes. Thank you sooo much!
-Lindsey


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