Reading Reviews for Chains of Bronze
35 Reviews Found

Review #26, by Elphaba and Boyfriends The Beginning

7th February 2013:
Hello, Elphaba here with your requested review!

So far your story is off to an intriguing start. I'm curious about the village, because it seems very isolated, like something out of a fairy tale. I wonder whether her family, especially her father, is responsible for this? He seems like a very evil man.

I noticed a few phrases here and there that I might edit. The first one is: "even if there eyes held malicious otherwise." I might replace "held" with "remained," because held has multiple meanings that make it a bit confusing. "There" should also be "their."

The next one is: "dating as back as to my great great great grandfather..." I would probably remove "as" from both places, because the sentence flows better without it.

Finally: "My introduction to magic had been quiet minimum..." I wonder if "quite minimal" would work better here than "quiet minimum"?

I like Emylina, she has a lot of spunk! :) Your physical description of her sticks out a bit from the rest of the story: I pictured something out of a shampoo commercial as she flips her hair, when in reality she might not look so glamorous after her ordeal. I might describe her earlier in the story, maybe say that the other villagers are unnerved by her uncanny emerald eyes, or that she tossed her dark curls toward the boys who teased her.

The end is a definite surprise, with James offering to marry her! I wonder what his motives are. Does he truly intend to marry her? Or did he just say he would in order to rescue her from her father? What will their relationship be like? They don't know each other at all, and she is hung up on this Richard character -- he sounds like a jerk!

I think this story has a lot of potential, and it will be interesting to see how it develops from here. :)

Author's Response: Hey!

Thank you for reviewing!

I fixed the sentences you mentioned and did edit in a bit more about Emylina's appearance so it would seem more believable!

yay! im glad you see potential!

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Review #27, by Gabriella Hunter The Beginning

6th February 2013:

So, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm so sorry that I'm late. I would have read all of the stories in my thread but I've been annoyingly busy and such. So this is the story that you had mentioned to me on the forums? I see what you've changed here and there if this is the same story and I think that I liked the idea you were going with. I was really horrified while I was reading this to see Emylina being held on display in front of her entire village and being tortured. I wasn't able to figure out what was happening and I really loved the build up of suspense you showed. It was very well-done and I got a sense of her character very well from the first few paragraphs. On some things, she felt a tad passive and I think, given the situation that you might not have needed it. But I think you were going more for disbelief, which worked out better towards the middle when you decided to speak about her relationship with her father. The bits about the village made me think that this is a period piece and I'm not sure if you meant to make it that way but it was really interesting! :D
In the Wizarding world its hard to tell though! But her family being capable of magic and then abusing their power really struck out to me. It seems like it came back to haunt them and Oh! Abandoned after getting pregnant?! More problems and plot grips I see! I was so thankful that the strange man DID come to help her after she'd been tortured by her father but apparently, her father is a wanted man! Now you've got me curious! :D
I wonder what you're going to do next, since Emylina has to marry the man. I hope you give alot of detail and such into that!
As for CC's, I think you should add in a few words ahead of a sentence to make it flow better. Like, "Difference was" could just simply be, "The difference was," and the sentence would flow alot easier. There were some spelling things but a quick read will take care of those!
Otherwise, this is a pretty interesting story, I really like your idea! :D
Thanks for the read!
Much love,

Author's Response: Hey Gabbie! Im glad you got around to reviewing =)

glad you liked the story! its quite a complicated plot and Emylina is really impassive about things since thats just the type of person she is actually :P

You will see more about her father and James as the story moves on =)

I fixed the sentences so it could flow better. thanks for pointing it out !

thanks for reviewing!

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Review #28, by Courtney Dark The Beginning

5th February 2013:
Hello there! Thank you so much for requesting this story-I'm glad you found my last review helpful:)

This is such an interesting concept you have going on here! I don't think I've ever read anything like it. You clearly have a very creative mind and think up extremely unique and interesting ideas, judging by the stories of yours that I have read. This story especially is certainly not cliche or cheesy, like so many next generation, especially James II/OC stories often are.

This was definitely a very dark, frightening way to start of the story. Your imagery and descriptions in this chapter were spot on and the flow was lovely, especially in the beginning. I loved the way you talked about the village, and how your main character desperately tried to fit in, but how this meant that she lost her father's respect. It almost felt like I was reading a story set in the Founder's era-now I'm not saying that is a bad thing. I'm just saying that your use of language was lovely!

The way you wrote the cruciatus curse was very well done. I could really feel you OC's pain, and the language you used to describe it was great. Often in fanfiction, torture scenes are a little...unrealistic if you know what I mean. They are either to overdone or too underdone. You, however, struck the perfect balance.

I must admit, I got a little confused near the end, but I think that was mainly because of the mystery that surrounds this first chapter. I am very interested to find out more about this Richard and learn more of Emylina's backstory.

Overall, this was a great first chapter. Thanks for the read!

Author's Response: Hey Courtney :D

Thanks for stopping by=)

Glad you like the concept! I didn't want a cheesy story so I tried to keep it really different. Glad to know I succeeded !

haha yes that was the plan! you will see later how that fits in =)

thank you! i was trying hard to be more descriptive.

thank you!

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Review #29, by slayground The Beginning

5th February 2013:
Tag! :D

This was a really interesting start to a story. Usually in James II/OFC fics, they tend to border on the line of cliche. And that's usually my number one thing that I say when I review one of them - don't allow it to become cheesy. But I think you've done a really wonderful job of staying away from all that and making this story your own. Every element was unique, and it's very rare that you read about James and the OFC not being at Hogwarts together.

James in this story was also a very different James from the one I'm used to seeing. He wasn't the silly, goofy boy with a penchant for trouble (at least not yet) and it was really quite refreshing to read about. Again with the cliches, I know, but often the next-generation boys, the Potter boys especially, become characters written almost like the first James Potter, or the classic Marauders-era Sirius, and it was interesting to read about him as someone separate from that. Now, we don't know much about him, but that just makes me want to know more, so wonderful job there.

Some of the dialogue scenes seemed a touch choppy to me, so I would watch out with that. It's not that they were bad or anything, but just that they're words and interactions didn't seem to flow together all that much. It's mostly just in the middle-ish area, where her father first begins talking to James, that they grew a little disconnected for me. Nothing major, as you have a lovely writing style and her thoughts in the background countered well against that, but just something that I would take a look at if I were you - it sort of distracts from the cohesiveness of the rest of the story.

Other than that, I thought this was a really unique fic that I can't wait to read more of. You did a lovely job with characterization, especially in the little snippets we saw of James, and it made me intrigued to learn more about them. The character I'm most interested in is Richard, so I hope you'll be doing some flashback scenes or including him somewhere in this story, because the mentions of him really caught my eye. I'm also very intrigued by Emylina - her thoughts were written very well, and she stood out to me as a strong character, but also someone who has had a streak of very bad luck and is getting dangerously close to that breaking point.

Keep up the wonderful work with this story! And keep it as wonderful and unique as it has been this far, because I would hate to see something so intriguing and interesting fall into the dangerous James II/OFC category that seems to all just mash together into one giant cliche. But just based on this first chapter I really can't see that happening any time soon, so I'm very excited to read on.

Great job!
xx Molly

Author's Response: Hey Molly!

I am so glad you liked this! I know there are many James II/OC fics out there so I tired to make my James a lot different than the others mostly since I dont really like reading about him being completely carefree.

There was another side to James I Potter, the side who faced the war and all of the other bad stuff. I just want to show James II in a different POV but still not losing his POtterness :P

I'll try my best to keep from falling into the cliche! Hopefullly I can manage it haha.

Yay you liked Emylina! She is quite impassive really. She cares she really does but she has kinda learned tht showing emotions doesnt really get you anywhere :P

I can't wait to write more about her :D she is a really fun character to write for and im glad you thought I did her justice =)

Thanks for the review! It really helped me alot

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Review #30, by Jchrissy The Beginning

4th February 2013:
Hi mídear!

This is such an interesting story idea. Having James meet someone that isnít his Hogwarts mate, a woman in a really terrible situation, is absolutely compelling.

I think you did a good job giving us an idea of what this town is like. What the OC went through and tried to change. I like that wanted to be accepted. She didnít want to be feared, to be different. That made her very accessible as a reader.

Whatís happening in this chapter is a really dark way to start, and I think you did such a good job giving her realistic feelings. I would suggest taking a look at a few parts, mainly when she thinks back to what her mother said. Of course thatís a really good piece of information, but it isnít something we need right this second. If that makes sense. It sort of just makes an unnecessary distraction from whatís happening in this chapter. And whatís happening is so important that the last think you want to do is distract readers, you know?

I often see the Crucio curse... underwhelming. It seems like the character hurts at the same level you would if a toe was stubbed. So I was really thrilled with the way you described her pain, I think you did an excellent job with that. You created a gut wrenching sort of feeling in me, nice job ♥

The section when the villagers being talking could be smoothed out a bit. Itís jarring, and again your start is so powerful that you want it as smooth as possible. Just something small like this:

Instead of--

When he finally did stop, I stood there as time stayed still. I could see colors flashing around my eyes and fleetingly I wondered what this would do for my future child, for whom I was being tortured so brutally. I heard a buzzing noise around me, but assuming it was the after effect of the spell I disregarded it as I fought with my body to stay awake--

Something along the lines of--

When he finally stopped, I stood there as time stayed still. I could see colors flashing around me eyes and I fleetingly wondered what this would do to the life growing inside me. The reason that I was being subjected to this torture, as well as my strength to try and survive it. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard the voices of the villagers, though whether it was reality for falsehood, I couldnít tell.

--then skip the entire part where they're discussing his looks, because sheís not going to be able to focus on their words after what she just endured, and continue it with connecting it here:

As I came around more and more, the voices became clearer and I recognized them to be those of the people who Iíd called my friends.

--Then, connect James to the situation with something like:

ďWhatís going on here?Ē came the deep tone of a man, and I flinched despite myself. My body fearing it would undergo more torture.

Then bring her around to understanding that itís not Richard.

That was the only part that I felt was choppy, and it only felt that way because the majority of this is so powerful. I think you have such an excellent start, good luck ♥


Author's Response: Hey Jami! Thank you so much for leaving a review!

Im glad you liked this =) I edited the spots you mentioned and hope now they arent as bad lol.

I thought I did really badly w/ the curse so thank you for letting me know it was terrible :P

This was really helpful! Thanks so much for taking time to review!

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Review #31, by AlexFan The Beginning

3rd February 2013:
I'm here for your review and just to let you know, I have this TYPO ALARM thing that I do so I'll be doing that throughout the review.

I really liked the beginning, it had a lot of description but there wasn't too much description so that it turned boring.

TYPO ALARM: "Crucio," he said colding.
I think you mean 'coldly' instead of 'colding.' I'm not even sure if 'colding' is even a word to be honest.

I actually already love the main character because she sounds rebellious and strong even if she is being punished.

I want to point out something. If I hadn't known that this was a James Potter II story I would've assumed that it was set in medieval times or something like that because everything sounds medieval. I would've thought that this was taking place in somewhere like Camelot or something because of how everything was described.

To be perfectly honest, that's what I thought it was at first but then I realised that James was there and I was like "right, okay, I'm back to where I'm supposed to be."

I thought Emylina was about to be burned at the stake to be perfectly honest and I was like "oh my God, they're going to burn her!"

Anyway, moving on.

TYPO ALARM: "I guess my father knew my better than I thought."
The word 'me' would work better there than 'my'.

"It was emotion voidless." That sounds grammatically incorrect. Maybe if you switched emotion and voidless so that the sentence read "voidless of emotion," it would make more sense and sound better. I'm actually not even sure if 'voidless' is a word.

Okay, judging by the fact that I keep getting a red line under the word, I'm assuming it's not a word. Okay, well, basically, I think you need to fix that sentence.

TYPO ALARM: "with the amount of things you down"
I'm pretty sure you meant to type in 'done' instead of 'down.'

TYPO ALARM: You used the wrong your/you're when James said "your pregnant."

TYPO ALARM: you used 'my' instead of 'me' again.

Besides the grammatical errors, I actually thought this was a pretty great first chapter and it was really interesting. You had great flow and the characters were also really great as well. Great job on this chapter!

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for doing this really!

I went back and re read and fixed all of the typos and put it in the validation again so that should be really helpful thanks a lot!

they are rele cut off from the world hence the whole medieval thing!

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Review #32, by patronus_charm The Beginning

3rd February 2013:
Hey it's patronus_charm here with your review!

I thought the start was great, as it was rather unusual so it made you want to read on. I also liked how you jumped straight into the story, and then went back to add some description, and background info, as that was a really good idea, and I've never seen that done before, but I thought it worked really well:)

It had a very unique feel to it, especially by the fact that they were using magic openly, and the setting itself is very different, and makes you wonder where it is in relation to the rest of the magical world.

The flashback itself was interesting as it helped you understand more of her character, and learn about where she's come from, and how that's formed the present her.

The ending itself was rather unexpected, and I'm guessing that this 'Richard' is one of the Potter boys, probably Albus as he seems like more of the nicer one, who would offer to do that. Ooh then if she falls in love with James there'll be a lot of tension and drama - exciting stuff!

I did notice at times that some of the wording was a little awkward and could be improved at times to make it more conversation. Here's an example - Difference was that before my father had made sure no one would show it - just by adding a the in front of the difference, makes it sound so much better!

There were also a few grammar errors, so perhaps a beta will help. I have one myself as I tend to miss those a lot, and she's lovely so it is definitely worth thinking about :)

Aside from the CC's I thought this chapter was great, as it felt very unique, and unusual and it excited me to find out what happens next, so a good job, Kiana :)

Author's Response: Hey Kiana! I edited out a lot of the grammar errors and stuff today actually and just reposted the chp so maybe that will help with alot of the clinks and stuff.

I am glad you liked the flashback and the story line itself!

Thanks for the review!!

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Review #33, by LadyOrobourus The Beginning

3rd February 2013:
First off I would like to say this story is interesting... :)

I noticed a few typo's, just a few misplaced words, and awkward phrasing. A beta could fix it up really quick.

Your flow is really well paced. It was a fun read, I didn't feel the need to skip lines.

The ending had just the right amount of " wait What?!" and I love that in a story.

I personally can't wait for the next chapter. Quite amazing. Until next Tag. Happy Reading~ Lady

Author's Response: hey! thank you!

i edited the wordings and stuff haha I hadn't pre read the story before putting it up :P

im glad you liked it! thank you so much =)

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Review #34, by fauxthefox The Beginning

2nd February 2013:
Hi, this is Faux! Thanks for the review swap! :)

Interesting idea! There's definitely a lot of suspense and tension at the beginning, which really got me into the story! I like the way you've set up the family - the idea of a Wizard family living amongst Muggles is pretty original.

You do have a few spelling/grammar errors here and there. You might want to find a beta - they're lovely people and it's great to have a helping hand to take care of those little things.

This was really interesting and original! I'm curious to see where it goes! :) Thanks again for the swap,

Author's Response: Hey Faux!

Im glad you liked it! Thank you so much for reviewing.

Yah I noticed those and fixed them up and now I am just waiting for revalidation haha.

Thank you! I am glad you liked it =)

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Review #35, by adluvshp The Beginning

2nd February 2013:
Hey! Here for your review swap =)

Ooh I liked this a lot! I think this story is going in a very unique and interesting direction and I cant wait to see how this turns out. Your plot concept seems to be quite complex yet nice. I have a feeling that this "Richard" is Albus (James' brother) but well, cant say anything just yet! I liked the way you set the premise of the story though, and the way you showed your main character. The flashback about the mother was nicely done too. The ending was shocking, and interesting.

As for CC, I'll say that I'd like to see more character development and more description in future chapters as that would certainly improve your narrative. Also, brush up your grammar/sentence phrasing a little bit, so it flows better. You have a couple of grammatical errors here.

Rest, this seems like a great story so keep writing! I think you have a brilliant first chapter here =) You have loads of room for improvement, so good luck!


Author's Response: Hey thanks for doing this =)

I am glad you liked it!

I did fix the CC's you mentioned I just didn't look through the chapter before posting it. Whoopsie :P

Glad you liked it!

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