Hi! This is Faux from the forums with your requested review. I have a few comments for you:
Format: Okay, the spacing is kind of getting me down. It's not an enormously important thing, but it definitely looks nice to have even spacing.
Writing style/grammar: Your OC has a strong voice that's overshadowed a bit by some of the spelling and grammar errors. You might want to consider finding a beta to help you get those guys out of there. Your style is very informal, which isn't a bad thing, but I think that this kind of style makes it all to easy for some authors to fall into the trap of Mary Sue-ism.
Characterization/Plot: I don't have a clear idea of your OC's personality - or at least, I haven't seen anything that sets her apart from the average hpff OC. I think it would be great if you could give her some more depth, quirks, flaws, etc, to make her resemble a real human being. The whole arranged marriage thing is also a bit cliche, so I think it would be great if you could add some more unique twists and turns to make the story your own.
Not a bad start!
FauxAuthor's Response: hi! thank you for doing this!
ya I tried to fix the format it doesn't rele work at the moment lol
o!! thank you! i will keep tht in mind! dont want a mary sue... though I never did really introduce the characters so I guess that's why it seems so off at the moment.
yes sirey! i have those all planned i just never really got around to putting them in. they will be in the next chp!
thank you! this was rele helpful! Report Review
Fantastic story, and love that the first chapter is so long.
And that was great idé to put in flshbacks in the prensen. Update soon pleaz;)Author's Response: thank you! im glad you liked it =) it really means a lot :D Report Review
Hello! Laurenzo7321 here with your requested review!
I thought this was a really interesting idea for a story, with Draco owing Harry. Then adding in the Grim Reaper was really original too!
The way you started the story had me instantly hooked and I loved the way you included the flashbacks to feed us the back story gradually, it worked really well!
Your characterisation of Amber was great, you really gave her some fight, standing up to the Grim Reaper like that! The triplets worked well together, I wasn't sure about them, especially Vi but she turned out quite nice in the end. I was a bit disappointed Harry didn't say a word throughout the chapter though, and James was a but quiet too - to say this wedding included Harry's children and James himself, I just thought they would have reacted a lot stronger.
I look forward to finding out more though, you've left a big mystery around the whole Draco father or uncle and the arranged marriage surely can't go smoothly.
One other thing is to watch the spaces between paragraphs - I know it's a pain and it happened to me the first time I posted but if you get chance to sort it out it makes it loads easier to read!
LaurenAuthor's Response: Hi Lauren! Thank you for doing this =)
Im glad you liked the idea and Amber!~
Ya the flashback isn't really done so we will get to see more of Harry and James in the background no worries =)
Ya it really is... I tried to fix it haha. didnt really work out.. oh well!
Thanks! Im glad you could review =) Report Review
I'm here to leave you that review you requested! . . . Two days ago . . . wow, I fail at being fast with my reviews.
At the end of the first part, before the flashback, "let me backtrack here. No need to get ahead of myself" I think a semicolon would've done the job instead of two different sentences.
I was actually thinking throughout this entire chapter that Amber's sister was really horrible but then I got to like her little by little. I think it was just her screaming in the morning that put me off.
"Get at me bro," do you mean "come at me bro?" Because if you do mean "get at me bro" then . . . well . . . this just got a little awkward didn't it.
Great job on the description, there was lots of it so the reader wasn't left wondering about things and some stories don't have enough description so yeah, great job on that.
You were doing the mystery in the chapter really well, it made me want to keep reading.
There was one part where it said "making us all shut up instantaneously," I think the word "instantly" would've done the same job as "instantaneously."
Your idea for the story is really unique ad I really like that so that's one of the reasons why I added this to my favourites.
I like how you switch between the present and the past. You're showing everyone what's happening but you're also showing us WHY it's happening.
I would just like to say that that was intense and I really liked this chapter and if I may be allowed to fangirl here for a minute: please update soon!
10/10! ~AlexfanAuthor's Response: thank you for doing this! im really glad you liked the story!
i did mean get at me bro mostly cuz thts just how i always say it lol :P
HA! Was she? well Vi is a VERY interesting character as you will see later :P
thakn u so much for your review! Report Review
Hey there! It's Courtney, here for your requested review:)
What an interesting concept you have here! I don't think I have ever read anything quite like it and I am fascinated to know more. You have already set up a good deal of mystery in this chapter and I find myself asking questions about what is to come, which is excellent!
You are already doing a great job developing your characters-Amber Ruby Malfoy in particular. I like that she has a bit of sass, and I can definitely see the Malfoy in her already! Some of her lines are great. One of my favourites was: '"What part you imbecile?!" I bit out, anger taking over.' Simple, yer effective. I already like the dynamics between the triplets. In the next chapter, however, I hope to see more interaction between James and Amber as I did not get a very good sense of what their relationship is like in this chapter.
I liked the way you started this chapter. It was very mysterious and left me wondering what was going to happen next-in other words, it was a great hook. I have to admit though, at first the flashes from the present to the past were a little confusing and made this chapter feel a bit disjointed. In saying that, the flow of this chapter definitely improved as the story went on-especially as everything began to make more sense. I really liked the last line of the first flashback: 'If only I had known... Would have never opened that damn thing if I had known...' It left me with so many questions and made me eager to read on.
I love the concept that Draco is in Harry's debt and now that debt must be paid. I can't wait to see how everything pans out. You have done a great job with this chapter, and the interest is very high. However I would like to suggest a few things which I think will improve readership, as I really feel like this story NEEDS to be read.
Watch out for spacing issues. The paragraphs in this story a very spread out which makes it more difficult to read-but a simple edit can fix that. Also, have you considered getting a banner from TDA? One that will hook in the reader? They say don't judge a book by it's cover, but I swear banners up the reads a lot! Finally, remember this: imagery. This is one of the hardest things to do, but when you do it correctly, it really makes a story.
Thank you for the read!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hi Courtney! Thanks so much for the review! It means a lot =)
Im glad you liked Amber! Yes I will be including more on Amber/James relationship from now on forward haha.
Ohh I'll try to make it less disjointed if that helps :P
I don't know any good artists or how to get a banner at TDA so no I hadn't thought of tht. Thanks for the suggestion! I'll try to look into that haha.
Ooo! Imagery! Yes I will totally try that! I am usually known to be a very descriptive writer so I guess I'll just have to start doing that again :P
Thanks once again for doing this! Report Review
Hey it's patronus_charm with your review!
I thought it was cool that you started with the present then went into a flashback, as it gives you a sense of where the stories come from and what it will lead to later on.
One thing that slightly confused me was this - "Move move! I have to see my niece," I heard my Mum say, if it was her mum, wouldn't she want to see her daughter? It's an easier thing to clear up though :)
I think Amber and her siblings sound really interesting, and I think it's really cool you've made them triplets, as they'll have a different dynamic between them all, compared to the bond shared between normal siblings.
I thought it was good that you made Roxy her best friend, as people tend to desginate that job to Rose, so it was nice to see her have more prominence, as I haven't really read much about how, so I'm intriguid to see how she turns out!
Ooh, the grim reaper, what an original idea! I don't think I've ever seen a story where Draco is in Harry's debt, so this was a good plot twist. Also Draco not being their father, I wonder who that actually is, and who's their mother, I'm guessing Astoria, as Scorpius is in the story.
One or two I would like to suggest are, that you shorten the spaces between the paragraphs as it means you lose the flow a bit due to the constant scrolling down, the other being could we perhaps see a bit of Scorpius in the next chapter? As I was rather unsure for most of the chapter if he featured in the story or not.
Other than than I thought it was a rather good start, so keep it up! Kiana :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
Ooops! haha ya tht was a mistake on my part :P
Im glad you like the siblings and Roxy :P There will be ALOT more of her I assure you =)
No Astoria isn't the mother she is there aunt. They are Daphne's children.
Ya I will fix tht ASAP.
OHH! Good idea! Will do =) Thanks for that! Some Scorpy on the way! Report Review
Its Gabbie here with your requested review and nice to meet you and all that jazz. SO, this is a pretty unique little story, I really like the idea you have going for this. I'd never really thought much about the fact that Harry had saved Draco and that it would actually have consequences. And apparently, it does!
I like the Grim Reaper aspect of this, since its something I've never read before. I think Amber and her family should be given a bit more detail and that you should have slowed down a bit and set up the beginning scene more. It would have made everything much more smoother and I would have liked more details later on with their Dad/Uncle (?) and what had happened to him. From that Howler, it made it sound as if he were really sick but later on, I don't really get much on that. More description on the Potters would have been nice too, I wanted to mentally ogle your James. There's a dark twist to this story underneath Amber's attitude that I like too, you can sense that things are not going to go in a good direction and I thought she was pretty brave for wanting to marry James. It won't be easy.
What sort of relationship do they have other than a bad one? What caused it? I'd like to know a bit more about that but her horror over the situation was brilliant. The poor thing. D':
Interested in where you'll be going with this and just as another CC, you might want to shorten the spaces in your paragraphs. It'd be easier for this old lady to read but other than that and the other things that I mentioned, keep it up with your idea! I really love it and hope that you'll keep going, this has potential to be a really good story down the line.
Thanks for the read!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hey Gabbie! Thanks for the review =)
Draco is there father but not biologically. He is there Uncle since the kids are Daphne's children.
I was going to introduce everyone else in detail in the next chp or so but i'll do tht soon so the story makes loads more sense!
thank you im glad you liked the story =) Report Review
Hello! Siriusly89 here with your requested review :D
I am very much a next-gen kinda person, so this is most definitely my thing! :)
This is a very good foundation for what could very well be a very popular story!
I shall give you my helpful tips first, and then onto the fan-girling!
One thing I noticed is that your story is very spaced out! This happened to me many a time, and the way to avoid this is to hit 'paste as plain text' Its on the top bar next to paste from Microsoft Word when your updating your chapter! This makes things a little easier to read, and it also means I dont have to scroll very far to get to the next line (I am very lazy, as you can tell :P)
Point number two: I was slightly confused by this line: "Move move! I have to see my niece," I heard my Mum say : this confused me a little, because if it was her Mum, wouldn't she say daughter? I'm not sure, maybe its me :)
W-O-W1 A lot happening in this chapter! I am a little confused on the finer points of things, but Draco isn't the triplets dad, and the grim reaper wants to kill him and his children, but seeing as they aren't his children, why are they dying? Or is it because he thinks of them as his children? And why were Harry and James there? Did they strike this deal with the grim reaper? So many unanswered questions! Aah! Hopefully you will reveal all in later chapters to come :)
Overall a good first chappie, although I would recommend getting a beta to read over it all and fine-tune it :) Beta's really are a god send!
If you ever need any more reviews, you know where I be at :PAuthor's Response: Hey ! Thanks for the review!
Oh thank you so much! Tht's really helpful =)
Right I didn't see tht when I was editing, maybe I'll look into a Beta and all :P
No see Draco is there uncle cuz the kids are Daphne's so they are related and since Draco/Astoria pretty much raised them (which will be talked about later) they are Malfoys. Potters were called since Draco owes Harry. Report Review
Aa! Amzing! . I'm seechlees! U got to update!Author's Response: thank you so much =) Report Review
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