Okay, I'm here with your review after an entire day of making you wait because I just suck like that.
Usually, I'm not really a big fan of switching point of views (which is a bit hypocritical of me considering I'm doing it for one of my novels) because I'm afraid that the different POVs will all end up sounding the same.
I've seen it happen before and I hate it, it's worse when it's in published works. Anyway, I was happy to find that this wasn't the case.
I really enjoyed the chapter and I love how alike the Malfoy sisters seem to be but at the same time they're different in their own way. I thought Sapphire was funny, especially the part where she found out that her brother was drinking.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter of this because it sounds really interesting and you've got a mighty awesome summary, if I do say so myself.
~GraceAuthor's Response: Heyy Grace!!
haha no prob :P
Im glad you liked it!! I had a hard time trying to make them different but I'm glad I could differentiate lol.
Yay! glad you like the summary! if it hadn't been for someone's help I would have never gotten it to be in the center *wink wink *
I have a soft spot for James Sirius Potter. I write a lot of stories about him, but this James is not my James. It's very interesting to read!
I like the weaving in of flashbacks into the plot. It was like solving a little mystery!
Ms. Amber Ruby is a strong character, but I also feel bad for the wee little Jamesy (perhaps this is a biased), they're both being thrust into matrimony. Sad life, but a wonderful story!
JackAuthor's Response: Hey Jack! Yupp I love JSP too. What can I say? Gotta love a Chaser :D
Im glad you liked the story! thanks for the review! Report Review
Omg, this story is very much like mine but I didn't fix the malfoys up with the potters.
I love Amber and Fred's sexual tension. It was very appealing. And Albus the cutiee.
I would have wanted more about James and Amber though. A little more about Draco as well.
You should keep on writing this. I am enjoying it very much.
EmAuthor's Response: yay! Im glad you enjoyed the story =)
Its Saph though not Amber who was w Fred :P
Will add those later! Promise! Report Review
Finally here with your requested review.
Well, this was interesting enough. The flow was slightly skewed and I had issues following what was going on.
First off, I think the last wo paragraphes of the first flash back should not be italisized because it is in real time. I also think you should specfy that the letter received in the first flashback was from her father to help it tie to what goes on in later flashbacks, It took me awhile to make that connection.
I don't think that the first chapter is the place for too many nicknames because we are just meeting the characters. I mean you call the main character Amber, Ambs, and Ru. It was hard to figure out who you were talking about at times which really messed with the follow because I would have to re-read lines multiply times.
I think a little mystery is good to keep the reader reading your story but at times there was too much and it was confusing. Example was when Amber had showed up and her Mother said let me see my niece. Wait, what?? woah... WTH. That is how I felt. It was later explained partially but with this chpater, there is already so much going on I think it would be easier to leave that part out for now because with the flash backs and switching back and forth it takes a lot to follow the basic storyline and not muddled it with information that is not needed at the moment.
Also, I wish we had more of a reaction out of Harry on his opinion of the marriage and why would he go through with it.
Please continue to write this story because it is an intriguing idea and quite different but the first chapter seems bogged down with information.
Megthechef43 aka MegAuthor's Response: hey! sorry I didn't see this :p whoopsie!
I'll go back and change that. I was a bit confused if I should make it italicized or not so thank you for letting me know.
Ah right... Well I'll go back and look at that too :P yeah I have been told that it's a bit too much so I was thinking of adding a bit more information to make the story flow better.
We will see Harry's response later promise!
Thank you for taking the time to review! Report Review
One thing I didn't mention in the first review is how much I love both the banner and the summary for this story. Though I did stare at the banner for a few minutes trying to place the second girl (the dark haired one). But after I did that, I was very happy!
When writting a story about twins, it's very difficult to underline both their differences and their similarities. Since, of course, they have to be similar but at the same time they need to be their own individuals. I'd say you rose to the challenge pretty well in this chapter. But one thing I did notice is that you developed the character of Violet a bit more than Ruby, so far. The first chapter was a race to the altar (literally) and this one was more focused on the characters. Another thing I wanted to see was how Harry reacted to the news of his son being forced into an Unbreakable Vow by the Grim Reaper.
The chapter was paced nicely, with sufficient descriptions to really be able to tell what is happening around the characters and how they are feeling. I did pick up on two things though.
The first is this. During the next 10 mins. The use of abbreviation here makes the story feel like it was written in a hurry. Like a reviewer once told me, telling a story is a walk not a marathon. There is no need to hurry.
And the second “Sad that the lime light if off of you for the day?" I think you meant "is off".
Other than that, it was a very interesting chapter and I am curious to see how this story will develop. Good luck!Author's Response: yay! im glad you liked the banner! the ppl at TDA are very talented indeed :P
Im glad you could see things that were different between Amber and Violet =) Yah next chapter will have more of Amber being developed as a character promise =)
i'll take a look at those things! thts some rele good advice haha.
thank you! glad you liked it Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your requested review!
In your form you wanted to know if this was boring. Well my dear, this was anything but boring. I can honestly say it's one of the most original ideas I have ever come across.
In regards to the story, I found the beginning a big confusing. I understood that somebody was about to be married, at the Burrow and to a Potter. Then the flashbacks started and it took me a few minutes to finally understand what was really going on. Maybe it would help if you didn't call the OCs by their nicknames, so we would be able to follow the story better (instead of having the character refer to her sister as Vi, call her Violet).
It's going to be interesting to learn how James II took the news and how he willingly offered to marry this girl. I'm also quite curious as to who the triplets' parents are. Maybe Daphne Greengrass?
This first chapter set up the mood perfectly for what you described (very appropriately) as a rollercoaster. You have a lot of OCs that I'm curious how you will develop and how you will incorporate all of these different characters in the story.
One comment I want to make is the use of comas. Sometimes, I found it hard to follow a sentence because the comas were missing. It's nothing very big and a beta or an editor could help with it!Author's Response: Hey! Thank you for doing this =)
I am glad you didn't find it boring. Ohh yah? I will try to fix the confusing part. It is explained in chp 3 which will be up soon so maybe that will help.
haha thats a good guess but I can't give it away :P
Thank you! I'll proofread the story to see where the problems might be haha Report Review
Great story :D Can't wait to read the rest.
~LoVe_SiriusAuthor's Response: Hey! Thank you so much :) the next chapter is already up if u want to read it Report Review
So I came back to review chapter two, because you had a pretty interesting start. And this didn't disappoint!
I actually like Sapphire more than Amber at the moment. She seems to be a more interesting character. Her interactions with Fred are quite obviously hostile, so I'm looking forward to seeing where their relationship will go.
Fred also seems to be pretty cool - I'm liking him more than James, as well (guess which couple I'm rooting for?)!
I was super happy to see the return of my most favourite character, the Grim Reaper himself! Oh, how I adore him! He reminds me of Peeves too much!
Anyways, I'm looking forward to the next chapter!Author's Response: Hey!
Glad you liked it!
haha taking a wild guess here Saph/Fred? :P
lol I had Rumple from OUAT in mind when I wrote Grim Reaper lol :P
glad you liked it! Report Review
Hiya! teh tarik from the forums here with your requested review :) So I'm very glad the spacing and formatting in this chapter is normal :D It makes it so much easier for me to read and concentrate on how your story is developing.
So I think your story is coming on nicely. This chapter is definitely better written than the first, maybe because you've really started getting into the writing. It flows much better, and the POV switch is an excellent choice. Sapphire's narration is very strong and individualistic and I think her character has a lot of potential. I really enjoyed her interactions with Fred II. It's quite a complicated series of interactions, and I understand that these two have a history of this. There's that desire to elicit a reaction from each other, or to have the upper hand over each other; there's resentment and vindictive pleasure; and there is definitely a certain level of sexual tension :P I like the complexity of Sapphire and Fred's relationship and I can't wait to find out why and how this started. However, I do think that the language could be tidied up a little and you could sharpen your prose a bit more; despite that little segment being very interesting, it was a bit too long, and there were a few repetitive bits. I suggest going through your prose thoroughly and weeding out unnecessary repetitions or redundant sentences and descriptions. This will really give an edge to your prose and will enable the narrative to have greater focus.
Also, in the part with Fred, I think your writing could be improved if there was greater proportion between the amount of dialogue and Sapphire's internal monologue. The latter does get a little too heavy in certain places; I would suggest cutting some of it out.
So I'm really thinking about the whole scenario of the Grim Reaper forcing Amber to marry James and bear his kids and the plausibility of the whole thing. Well, this is fanfiction after all, and so there shouldn't be a cap on your imagination. But so far I haven't really bought the whole concept yet. I think that this is a very fascinating and unique idea, but I also think that plenty of work needs to be done to convince the reader that this really is a serious life-changing situation for the characters, and a believable one as well. You can improve by paying greater attention to detail. I would advise you to provide more details on things like setting, history, family backgrounds - and definitely a lot more on this ghost reaper thing. It would be nice to see the emotional and psychological effects this very strange encounter with the reaper ghost has on the characters :) They seem a little too accepting of everything, especially since Sapphire is such a fierce and spirited girl. OK, yeah, so basically more detail and development on the ghost.
Finally, I think you do need to really go through your sentences. Some of them are really ambiguous, others are a little awkwardly put together e.g. "No wait. You can't just leave," I called out, my voice slightly picking up on the internal panicking as I started to lose the one thing I treasured the most, control. Your sentence would be a lot more effective and less clunky if you'd just written, "my voice starting to lose control" or some variation of this. It's already very clear that Sapphire is panicking internally :)
OK, well, whew. I hope I haven't given you too much critique or anything. I just think that this is quite an original story idea you have, and of course there's so much potential for this if you could touch up on the areas I suggested. This is a very solid chapter and I do think you've got a good sense of characterisation, and of the complexities of character interactions. So well done! Keep writing!
-tehAuthor's Response: Hey teh!
Thanks for leaving a review!
glad you liked the story a bit better than the last chp! I fixed the things you mentioned, thanks for pointing it out =)
Thank you for the compliment! it means alot! Report Review
So, hello again. I think I've reviewed one of your other stories before - Pregnancy Jitters, I think? And whilst I enjoyed the other one, I think I like this one more! You've painted quite the mysterious picture here! Triplets sound exciting, and then there's the Grim Reaper. I hope he makes another appearance - I actually really like his character! The beginning was a little confusing, but as I read onl, it started to make a little more sense. I think it's just a matter of getting into the flow of the story! I'm looking forward to the rollercoaster ride - I do enjoy a bit of a rollercoaster if there's the promise of humour and adventure thrown into the mix!
A wonderful start to what sounds to be an interesting story!Author's Response: hey! i am glad you liked this =) haha yah there is a lot going on so i am glad you weren't too confused :D
thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Here for review tag! (And also, Happy Valentines day Review-a-thon)!
This seems like an interesting plot, and I liked the way you narrated it all. However, the fragmented style was a little confusing, and I didn't get it all until the very end (this might also be due to the fact that its almost 2 AM and I should be asleep). Nevertheless, I like your characters, especially Amber. The way she was "narrating" had a humorous edge to it and I liked that.
I love that how your plot seems to be very original, since mostly the "bound marriage" kind of things happen in Pre-Hogwarts or Post-Hogwarts Era, but I never imagined it'd be in Next-Gen, especially not with James II. So I love the whole unique aspect of this, and it has got me very intrigued about where the story is headed.
I LOVE Death/the Grim Reaper and I think the concept of him is awesome. He doesn't particularly come across as scary though, so if you want him to be scary, you'll have to fix the way he "talks". But if you were aiming for a light approach, it definitely worked for me!
All in all, I think you have a very different plot here which is great, and I love your characters so far, and the way you portrayed their relationships, especially Amber and her dad's. If I were you, I'd polish the narrative more though, as it can get a little confusing. Apart from that, great going, and keep writing!
P.S. If this review came off as a little unconnected, please forgive me, I am a tad sleepy :PAuthor's Response: Hey AD,
I am glad you like the plot and think it's unique =)
I wasn't really going for scary when I wrote him but more like Rumpelstiltskin from OUAT if you hav ever seen that haha
I will work on the narrative thanks for pointing it out =)
Sorry for taking forever to respond! Report Review
Hey there, its Gabbie with your requested review and I'm sorry that it took a minute for me to read this, I would have done it yesterday but I was typing and foaming at the mouth. :p
So, we're back with this really unique story! I was happy to get another perspective on that wedding and I really enjoyed going into Sapphire's mind, she's really funny, actually. In a really dry, sarcastic way and I think there's some boldness about her that makes her dialogue really great to read. :D
Now, I liked the little dancing bit between her and Al but I could have done with a bit more detail on their relationship. With all that was happening at the wedding, I would have also liked to have seen it described so I could picture it a little clearer but that's not a major thing. I think her banter with Al was really funny and I thought that you were hinting at some feelings between them before they were rudely interrupted! On that note, I would have liked to have seen some reaction from Al and more detail on who he danced. If they were switching partners, like you said, I didn't really get that because Fred just showe up out of nowhere! >:D
Ooh, and so naughty, isn't he? Hehehe. His conversation with Sapphire was hilarious and speaks of more than one time he's bullied her a little. They've got some sparks between them that I'd like to know more about! Hehehe. I've never seen Fred the Second described in this way before so I thought that was a really interesting change you've made for him. :D
I'm wondering if he and Sapphire are going to have more moments together. But that ghost! OMG, what a jerk! I swear, I wish someone would get rid of him! He's having too much fun with this!! And argh, what is she going to do? Have a baby?! Seriously?! Ugh. I mean, god, what to do? I think you've got some great plot bunnies to work on and I hope you go through with them. :)
That's all that I have to say! I shall see you on the forums my dear and hopefully hear from you soon on Abandon! *Flies away*
Thanks for the read!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hey Gabbie!
I am glad you liked this =) I didn't want Fred to be the same as in every other story so I changed him a bit =) I added who he started dancing with and all of that jazz :P
We will see more Al and Saph later but for right now thats all :P
I will try my best! Thanks so much for reading =) Report Review
Hey! It's Whiskey from the formus with your review! I'm sorry for taking such a monumental amount of time to get to you, but, you know, life.
Well, wow, the idea is...original! And my goodness, that ghost is a real piece of, uh,rotten ectoplasm!
I liked how you revealed the story in bits, flashing back and forth between the past and the present. This form of story -telling is great for those with a short attention-span (guilty! :p) and also creates suspence.
If you don't mind, I'd like to offer some CC that, I think, could really make the story come to life. First, maybe my treacherous attention-span failed at some point and left me with a blind-spot, but I don't recall getting a description of what the ghost looks like. I think a few details about his face or clothing could add alot to the scene. Since ghosts are quite common-place in the HP universe, what makes this one creepy from the very second you see him?
Also, in terms of style, I noticed some run-on sentences. For example right from the start, we get this: "I sighed as I placed my hand into Mike's, defeatedly and closed my eyes as the bottom of my stomach dropped, feeling the world swirl around me as we both apparated to the Burrow where it was going to happen." That is a lot of things happening in one sentence. I think that separating it into several sentences could add more weight to what you are describing. Hand-placing and apparating are very different actions, as well, so it's sort of difficult for orientation if they are in one sentence like this.
Also, I really liked the opening bit, where you were addressing the reader (or, uh, a child, I guess, based on the "young one" part...). I would have liked to see you maintain that style of narration for the sake of consistency (first of all) and also because it's just fun and it worked so well when you did use it.
Well, I hope i could offer you some useful comments:)
Cheers!Author's Response: Hey Whiskey! Sorry I took forever to respond!
I am glad you liked the idea. I will go bk and look at the CC's you offered! thank you so much for doing so =) I hav noticed the grim reaper really needs description so i will add that to him lol
oh i didn't realize that! i will try to add that as well ! thanks for reviewing =) Report Review
Hello again :)
Okay, I thought this was another good chapter to your story. I enjoyed the change in POV, Sapphire certainly is a character! You've made her very different from her sister which is really good to see.
I wasn't quite sure what the thing she had with Fred was? Is it just a bit of a hate match between them? You've certainly taken a different route with Fred - he's usually much more of a joker like his dad and uncle! It was definitely interesting and makes you want to read more.
That grim-reapers a bit nasty! 2 years to have a kid with someone you don't even like. I can't even imagine that.
You have a few sentences that don't quite make sense - it might be worth re-reading and having a look or maybe getting a beta?
Another good chapter, well done.
Lauren :)Author's Response: Hey! thank you for doing this!
I am glad you liked it!
I'll go check up on those right now! Thanks for mentioning those!! the Grim Reaper is just evil what can I say haha
Thank you for commenting! Report Review
I really like the direction of this chapter..
I really like how complex Sapphire's character is.
She's quite sassy, sarcastic but also quite an optimist, which shows that she differs from her sister because Amber's stubborn to the bone. I think you're doing a good job establishing the sisters as differing characters by the way Amber and Sapphire react differently to some situations.
I think you could focus a little more on the description of setting and people as you seem to focus more on the description of events.
Although, it could be said that it's in Sapphire's character to describe what is going on and avoid descriptions of settings.
I also really like the way you tell the story then go back to the events that lead up to what has gone on. I think it's really clever and subverts the traditional way that stories are told.
Can't wait for chapter 3 :DAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for reviewing!
I am glad you liked it =) I was having difficulties trying to separate the sisters but since you are say could see the difference I am glad :D
I will focus more on setting and people soon thank you for pointing that out!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hello again! Thanks so much for re-requesting:)
First of all, I think this is a HUGE improvement from the first chapter. Now I'm not saying the first chapter was bad-in fact, it was really good, and really interesting-but this chapter was just a massive step up from that, so nice work!
I actually really liked the change in POV's. It was great being able to see the story from another persons mind. And Sapphire seems as interesting as Ruby was in the first chapter-in fact, I think your characterization was even better in this second chapter! I liked the fact that there were a lot more descriptions and little details in this chapter that made the flow much smoother than previously and really gave me, as the reader, insight into the character's personalities.
I like the fact that Sapphire seems to have this mutual rivalry with Fred. I also like the fact that you've chosen Fred as Sapphire's current nemesis, as we don't usually see that. Usually the 'bad guy' in next generation is Scorpius or James or Albus, so this was a very nice change! However in saying that, I did get a little confused for a while, as I wasn't sure who Sapphire was talking to. Of course, mystery is always good in writing, but just be careful not to draw in out too much.
Overall, I thought this was a very good chapter which generally had good spelling and grammar. I noticed a few little typos here and there, but nothing too distracting!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hey Courtney!
Thanks for reviewing!
Oh thank god! Im glad you liked it!! Yah I feel like I didn't do justice to Ruby's character so I will be making that much much better next chapter and stuff but at least for now you guys have a good view of one character!
Ya I was trying to do something different and honestly I LOVE Fred. SO I just needed him to be a BIG part of the story so I made Saphy had an actual POV and it will alternate each chapter so we can see both relationships and view things in a much boarder sense.
Thank you! =) Mya Report Review
Hey it's patronus_charm with your review!
I quite enjoyed the change in POV, as it was nice to see the story from another perspective, and I'm glad that you stated who was narrating at the beginning of the chapter, otherwise that may have lead to confusion!
I also thought your description has improved a lot since the previous chapter, as you seem to be taking greater care on describing little details, not focusing on the action, which makes a better story.
I did find it a little unrealistic over how close her and Albus were though, as I thought they were supposed to be enemies, and now all of a sudden they're dancing, flirting and comforting one another, so perhaps if you added some detail on her opinion of him, we can understand that a bit more:)
Hmm, so the mystery man was Fred then? I liked the mystery, as I was narrowing down who the person was, unfortunatly I was wrong, but hey it was fun to do at least! Fred does seem rather dark, for a Weasley, especially one who's father's George, but I guess that's the great thing, when someone changes a character which doesn't fit with your usual perception of them, so you can see them in a new light!
I noticed a could of typos in the story, such as misspelling Malfoy when stating the POV, these are easily fixable with a another read through:) I also noticed some puctuation errors, such as places missing apostrophe's and comma's, but they're easy to add, so it's nothing major to worry about!
Overall I thought this chapter was a big improvement on the first, it's just you need to keep an eye on your spelling and grammar really, perhaps getting a beta might help? Kiana :DAuthor's Response: Hey Kiana!
Thanks for doing this again!
Okay so Saph doesn't hate Al. She doesn't hate the Potters. Amber just hates James because of personal reasons. So maybe that could help you understand?
Yes it was Freddie my main man! :P Yah I hav alot of things planned for Fred, which is nothing like he is normally described :P
Though Jamsie will kinda be like what he is described... What can I say? I just love James as a replica James Sr. haha
Oh! Thank you for pointing that out! I'll try my best to keep those down.
Thanks alot for doing this=) It was really helpful! Report Review
Hey, here for review swap!
I have to say, I think you've improved on characterization a lot in this chapter. I got a much better feel for Sapphire's character in this than I did for Amber's character in your first chapter. I think I'll like her. She seems very sharp and serious, especially in the first section with Fred. I'll be interested to see how that situation unfolds.
Fred seems very different from how I would have imagined him, which is cool. He's very suave and cool, and clearly a ladies’ man. I usually see James characterized that way, so you've got an interesting twist on next gen traditions.
I couldn't help feeling confused when Sapphire first started talking to Fred, though, because you didn't give us his name until the very end of their exchange. Mystery is great up to a point, but you want to be careful not to let intrigue turn to frustration for your readers.
Also, I was so confused about names in this. Sapphire goes by Vi in chapter 1; which one is it? And does Amber go by Amber or Ruby? If it were me, I would pick one and stick with it when it comes to names.
Overall, though, I think this chapter is an improvement on the first, and I'm excited to see this story keep getting better! Thanks again for the swap!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Heyy Maggie!
First, I'll be getting to your review tomorrow! Promise! haha I like to go through with my swaps :P If I forget plz feel free to message me on the forums and yell LOL.
I am glad you liked this! I had a hard time writing about Saph cuz I needed her to be different than Amber and now I am glad you realize that she is different.
In the next chapter the whole name thing will be explained in intricate details no worries!!
Thank you=) Im really glad you liked it!! Report Review
Ok. I'm going to be honest.
I didn't totally get it until the very end.
That may be because it's Monday. After college. And I'm tired. But I also think it may be due to the fragmented story telling.
At first, it was quite disconcerting because you weren't really giving anything away in either snippet of narration but towards the, when you reveal a lot more, it all starts to fit together and is actually really, really interesting.
I don't really come across many next-gen marriage bound fics so it's definitely original.
I think if you add more description about what is going to happen or allude/foreshadow the end of the chapter, in the italics and normal writing, then it will be explicitly clear what is going to happen.
I really like the way you wrote the relationship between Amber and her father. He appears quite helpless and she's quite strong-willed and willing to do anything for her family.
That being said, I don't LOVE Amber. I like the way she interacts with her family but I think she's a bit sassy in places where she doesn't need to be and she acts first then thinks.
That being said, it is the first chapter and I'm sure she'll grow on me in chapters to come. Also, this is just personal. She's a really well written and established character with a distinctive voice, which is really hard to do in just the first chapter alone so kudos for that.
I can't wait to see how their tricky predicament pans out so update sooon :D
You story so far is amazing.
peanuts11Author's Response: Hi! Im glad you liked it~
haha sorry bout the confusions. I am trying to make Amber different than Sapphire but it's turning out to be quiet hard so I might have gotten a bit carried away. I hope you still like Amber anyway :P
Thanks so much for the review! It made my day =) Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review! Sorry again for being late, and thanks for your patience. :)
First of all, I think the marriage-arranged-by-Death premise is great, and I love that the story gets off to a humorous start!
I did notice some recurring punctuation issues. Basically, I found a lot of places where I would insert a comma to create a brief pause, and a few places where I would break a long sentence into two. Here are a couple of examples:
--"What was going to happen you dare ask?"
I would place a comma between 'happen' and 'you.'
--"Here let's go we don't have too much time,"
I would place a comma after 'Here' and a period after 'go.'
A good tip is to read your writing aloud, and then place a comma or period wherever you pause naturally to take a breath.
While I like that you inject a little mystery into this chapter by not revealing the identify of Amber's father, and by not naming her husband-to-be until the end, I would like some more information about some of the other characters. Who is Stefan, for instance? I would just like a little more context about their relationship.
Also, while I do like the mystery, I hope that eventually Amber's real father will be revealed.
I really like that you show that the Malfoys view the Potters as annoying. That's definitely in-character for them. :)
One other question I had is: why do the Potters go along with the arranged marriage? Are they just trying to help the Malfoys to be nice, or is there some other reason for them to cooperate?
I'm interested to see where the next chapter goes! :)Author's Response: hey! thanks for doing this!
all of the mysteries will be shown really soon. things will make sense very soon as the story starts going on.
haha theres always reason to everything so the Potters have a reason too.
thank you! Report Review
Hi, i'm here for your requested review!
So, to start off with I think the idea behind this is really great. I've never thought about Draco's debt and it's really interesting to have the Grim Reaper come in to collect his dues. It reminded me a lot of The Tale of the Three Brothers in DH and how Death felt cheated when he didn't get all three brothers.
Your premise is great but i feel like there are a few things you should look at and it should increase readers and interest to the story. This may seem small but spacing is a huge deal. If i hadn't been requested I would have clicked off the story because it's strangely a huge turn off for me to see massive spaces between paragraphs.
Although i liked that you tried to keep things mysterious and kept the readers guessing i felt like things were confusing and not in that i want to keep reading kind of way. Things just seemed a little convoluted. This may be because you had a lot of flashbacks and things were happening quite fast. You need to be very intentional with what you tell your audience and when you tell them. It comes with practice. I think what might also help here is that you introduce characters without really saying who they are to the main character. Since this is a pretty big cast of characters, especially for a first chapter, i'd suggest just trying to clarify where they all belong and how they're all connected.
Some of your wording too makes it hard to understand exactly what you mean. For example 'get at me bro'. There are also some grammar issues that a proof read would probably help just so that it won't disrupt the flow.
Another thing you may want to look at is dialogue. It can really do a lot with characterization your people. For instance, Ru seems like a sassy, spunky young witch who always has something to say. I get that just from what she says. The Reaper however seems a little diluted. I'm not sure what you're going for with him but his dialogue seemed funny and almost like you were trying to make him sadistic but the humour is his dialogue made that impossible. I've always imagined it to be darker and more ominous. However, I suppose it depends on how you see it and what you were trying to go for.
A final point is description and this is a short one because generally you do a nice job with it. However there are times i'm begging to know what the other characters are doing. Harry is there the whole time? If he is, let us know what he's doing. Why is he silent? Is he angry? Is he sad? Shifting his feet? This all will help your readers connect to the story better and be able to visualize it. I always imagine my stories and scenes like movies and try to explain to my readers what i see, smell, or feel there. Is James there too? What does he do? Why is he going through with it? Some of those questions don't need to be answered right away, however, it's important to keep them in mind for later.
I don't want you to feel disheartened by this because I don't think this is boring as you asked. I think this could be really good and you have a great idea. You could expand this into a longer story. Just be sure that if you do to know generally where you are going and to clean up some of your wording and i think you'll have a good story here.
Thank you so much for requesting me and i hope I answered your questions satisfactory. If you ever need more help feel free to request again or PM. -zayneAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for you reviews.
For the 'get at me bro' thing. That's just a type of slang. Its not really supposed to mean something meaning full besides give the readers an idea of what kinda of a person the character is since the slang does speak for itself.
i'll try to act more dialogue off course! i usually do dialogues so its great.
im glad you could read! thank you so much for taking the time =) Report Review
Hey there. cypress here with your requested review. Terribly sorry it took so long to get around to it. Things got rather busy in my off-line life. But anyway, I finally made it!
Now, as to your story - I think it's definitely a very creative premise. If you go back and edit, I highly recommend fixing the spacing so that there is only one space between each paragraph. I also found some typos, but I'm not going to point them all out. Just a tip for proofreading, I find that I catch pretty much all of my own mistakes by reading my story aloud to myself. It was a trick I learned years ago that has been super helpful for me.
As far as the content - I see what you were trying to do breaking up the story the way you did, passing back and forth between the present and the past. I think, though, that because your sections were so short and passed back and forth so quickly, it sometimes made the story difficult to follow. We don't get very many details, like who amber's father is or who the other players are right at the beginning, so when you switch quickly to a brand new section and introduce a whole new set of questions and mysteries, that can make things a bit convoluted.
I like that you wanted to keep the reader guessing, and I don't think you should change that, but I recommend being very selective about what you keep us guessing about. If you throw too much unexplained stuff at us at once, it has the potential to get a bit overwhelming. Maybe keeping the reason she's getting married to James, and the fact that the grim reaper is involved, would be a good thing to keep hidden and then reveal at the end, or you could choose something else, but the rest, more explanation would help keep the story going and interesting throughout.
I think you could definitely expand the story if you wanted to, but if you do, keep in mind what you want the resolution to be - is it a question of striking a new deal with Death? Might it look like she's going to fail to produce an heir and do they have to try and trick Death? Is Death not really that important and is this more a love story that ends up with some resolution one way or the other? Not that you have to know how your story will definitely end, but have a trajectory in mind, and that will help you moving forward. You have a lot of different things you could do, so I recommend that you think about it and pick one ultimate direction, even if you include other plot points along the way.
Finally, you asked about characterization. One thing I think you can use to improve your characterization is your dialogue. Death/the Grim Reaper doesn't feel very creepy to me. He seems almost comical. If that's what you were going for, I think a bit more situational humour or some funny descriptions would help lighten the mood, but if you were going for a more serious ominous tone, I think you could stand to darken up the dialogue. He also seemed like a pretty chatty-Cathy for someone so "grim". I wonder why it was him that explained everything directly to the girls while Harry said absolutely nothing and Draco sort of stood by? Why wouldn't it be Draco explaining it to the girls? Would he have tried insisting? And why was Harry doing nothing at all? Was he in on it, or was he as unhappy as the rest of them? Even if he stays silent, I was wondering what his reaction to all of it was.
Also, describing grim reaper as a ghost sort of gave me the impression that he -was- a ghost, which confused me at first. Have you thought about trying to describe him more generally - "A dark presence," "a hooded figure," "something sinister lurking in the shadows." I don't know - stuff like that?
As far as the others, I think it's important when writing dialogue to think about who is saying the words. If they're pureblood, have they been brought up to speak properly? Have they been trained to think they're better than other people? If so, does that come across in the dialogue? -How- a character says something is just as important as what they say when you're trying to give the reader an idea of who they are as a person.
Finally, I think did a good job starting to characterize Violet and give her a sort of different personality from Amber when you told us that she takes charge, but I would like you to do that more with your other characters and also do that more with Violet. Give us a flavour of who these people are and what makes them different from one another. That'll help us get to know them and distinguish them in our heads.
Anyway, that's all the ideas I have for you right now. I do hope this has been helpful. Like I said, I think your plot is really different and imaginative, and you're clearly very creative, so don't let my suggestions discourage you! You're doing really well. Just keep on writing. Everything else is just details. :)
cypressAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review!!
I am trying to get up all of the characters and in their skins but at the very moment it's hard since it was only the 1st chapter.
Hope I didn't overload you w characters.
Im glad you liked the suspense!
Your suggestions really helped me and I tried to incorporate it in the next chapter :P
Thank you soo much! Report Review
Hello! I'm here for our review swap!
And...wow. You've got a very interesting idea here! So much happens in this chapter - a wedding, a ghost who turns out to be the Grim Reaper, the revelation that Draco's kids are not Draco's kids...it all makes for a very unusual and entertaining read!
I love the continuous switching between past and present - it's something I always like when reading stories. It also gave your fic an element of suspense...I kept trying to guess what was happening throughout :)
Hopefully you get the spacing issue fixed - I see other reviewers have already commented on it!
Well, anyway, this is a good start to your story :) Good luck with writing the rest of it! And thanks for agreeing to do a swap with me :D
-tehAuthor's Response: thank you so much for reviewing =)
im glad you liked tht! i tried to fix the spacing :P Report Review
Hi aquablue! I'm here for our review swap! :)
This was such a roller coaster! I had fun keeping up with all the twists you pack into this first chapter. At first I had a lot of questions (Why is she getting married if she doesn't want to? Are the Malfoy children non-canon?), but you answered them all by the end. And speaking of the end, I love the way you conclude this chapter. It has a really ominous tone, and it's going to do a great job of pulling your readers in. Awesome job there!
There were some spelling errors that distracted me. The one that struck me most was when I'd see "Ya" instead of "Yeah." I think writing out the full word would make this look much more polished, and you won't lose any of the spunk that Amber has in her dialogue :)
I loved the way you went back and forth between the past and the present. It was so much fun! Like I said, it felt like a roller-coaster. I hope I can get to know your characters better in future chapters; there was so much going on in this one that characterization had to take a back seat to the action-packed plot. But I like what I've seen of Amber and Draco so far, and I look forward to seeing more :)
Thanks again for swapping with me! I think you've got a good start here...keep it up!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hey Maggie!
Thank you so much for the review! Im glad you liked the chp!
Alright I'll keep the spelling errors in mind :P
Im glad you like the characters! You will really get to meet them in chp 3 =) Report Review
Oh my goodness! What a crazy ride this was! I was going back and forth between the past and present times just in anticipation over who she was going to have to marry and why they needed to marry the Potter kids.
I LOVED that I wasn't sure who she was going to marry until the end right before she walks down the asile.
This was very jumpy, but it flowed well between memory and current times. You did a fabulous job.
Keep up the great writing!
-SR17 :)Author's Response: Thank you dear! Im glad you liked it so much =)
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection