There's so much pain in this piece and I could feel it all. I don't even know how to review this, because I think it was really, really well-written. You handled George's angst with a very unique way. Your descriptions and some sentences were beautiful. I loved the imagery, I loved how strange and odd George viewed it all because of his shock.
The scene where Lee mistook George for Fred and he just led it slide was really spooky and so sad, and when Percy came and it felt to George as if he had lost his twin all over again, that just broke my heart. I find all this so hard to describe because Fred's death was terrible and I still don't get why. When his dad and brothers tried to pull George away from Fred, it was a mixture of feelings, because I knew they had to do it, they had to get him away, but at the same time I wanted to yell, Leave him alone! Just leave him with Fred! And then you killed me, because when Ginny came and told him she'll stay with him and slowly managed to peel him away, I just lost it. It was so heart-breaking and gentle and I loved that you chose Ginny. It was mentioned a few times in the books that Ginny spent a lot of time with the twins and...I just don't know what to say! That part almost made me burst into tears.
I might have clapped my palm over his mouth – I might have forced that last breath back in. This is such a fantastic line. I just wanted to point it out because it really grabbed my attention and touched me in a way. Amazing line.
Overall I'd just like to say that this piece of writing really moved me. You conveyed the emotion perfectly, and portrayed the scene very well in a few words. It was great how George's perception of everything was hazy and torn in places, because he felt so out of this world right after Fred died. Then the last part, as he heard his laughter echo, and it sounded very odd, that felt so strangely haunting.
I think this could easily stand as a one-shot and be perfect, but I'm really intrigued as to what comes next because your summary is so mysterious. I also have a thing for fics that takes us into a world after death, they're really exciting! Unfortunately, I have to run to school now, but you can count on me reading the next chapter after I come back. It's mostly because of your writing. There's something to it that really makes me want to read more of your work. So, until the next chapter. :)
LizAuthor's Response: Hello Liz!
Wow, thanks for your fantastic compliments and review :D It's always such an honour and tremendous encouragement whenever someone gives such positive comments. I'm really glad you like it; your review has certainly made my day :D
I was originally thinking of writing a one-shot with this - just giving a portrait of George's grief and sense of loss...but I wasn't satisfied. There are lots of one-shots about Fred's death, and what I want is to really explore how George gets on with his life by himself. Also, I can't stand the thought of having a longer multi-chaptered fic of George by himself so I had to bring Fred back (not from death, but at least give him a voice - the second chapter features (un)dead Fred's POV). I'll be sort of rebuilding the Weasley twins' lives. Or at least trying to! Hopefully this story will go somewhere and not end up being useless stretches of empty prose!!
Thank you so so so much once again for your wonderful review :D I hope you keep reading and enjoy the following chapters as much as this one!
-teh Report Review
This is amazing! This is the kind of fic that I'm always on the lookout for but never seem to find. So thank you for writing this :) I love your poetic experimentation with spacing and parentheses. Your writing is so emotive and atmospheric. You're extremely talented.
I'm so glad to have stumbled upon this. Can't wait for more!Author's Response: Oh, thank YOU for reading and reviewing! I'm so glad you enjoyed it :) And even more glad that you stumbled upon this! Your review has absolutely made my night. Am currently editing the third chapter, should be in the validation queue some time this week! Thank you so very much once again for your lovely review :D Report Review
Hey there,its Whiskey from the forums!
Can I confess something? This almost made me tear up a tiny bit! It really did. Specifically this moment: "C'mon, we need you". Something about how George had to keep fighting a war that had already destroyed everything...very heartbreaking and a really good - GOOD- detail.
The style was very interesting. Your descriptive choices often corresponded to how I imagined the non-sentimental yet honest Twin brain would think (for example when George watches his mother sob over Fred''s body). On the other hand, there were odd bits such as this: "I opened Fred's mouth, peeled his voice out of my parched throat. It was like pulling off adhesive tape from skin." It's a poignant metaphor, but it's in discordance with the rest of the chapter. This is a matter of opinion, of course, but it just sounded too melodramatic for George. Another example was this:"...like knives and bouncing off the walls and the dust and the dust and the dust." Consecutive "and"s are a good tool for first person narrative, but would Geroge ever talk or think this way? It sounds almost typically feminine to me...
Another thing I noticed was this: "It (Lee's face) hung like a pale smear in the dark." I thought Lee was black? :P
I would like to add that it was a great choice to play the twin-connection angle by having the grieving George try to find Fred in himself. The way you described it was well in accordance to how irrational yet symbolical the human mind is when in shock. But the entire time I was reading this, I couldn't stop wondering about the following: Fred and George are not all that similar in character. I would suspect that although they were ALWAYS on eachother's side no matter what, there must have been inner conflicts related to each asserting their own individuality against the odds of the world perceiving them as one and the same. Wouldn't George have to work through some issues of guilt or some memories of their difference in his attempt to ressurect Fred in himself? I am sure that the twins had a bond most can't even imagine, but knowing the paradoxical way the human mind works, I have always pictured their relationship to be secretly more on the hate-love spectrum. Since Fred and George are actually very inaccessible in the books, no one can say for sure, though, so this is not so much a critique as a comment ;)
I'll be of to the next chapter soon! Hope this helped, feel free to PM me if anything is unclear, I tend to get carried away and stop making sense :PAuthor's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for your wonderfully honest review :D Your insight has been absolutely valuable and I'll certainly be taking your comments into account when I rewrite this chapter!
Now when I read that sentence with the repetition and the dust and the dust etc. it does sound a little forced. So I guess I will leave that out. And as for the Lee Jordan bit :D Yes, Lee is black but I left that description there because I sort of imagined him covered with layers of dust. And it was really dark and everything. Which now sounds silly. I'll think of a way to reword that part.
And as for the twins themselves, you're right in saying that they're "very inaccessible in the books". I was thinking about how I'd like to portray their relationship. There are lots of twin portrayals where one twin is dominant and the other's in the shadow and I've decided that this is not what I want. That means I'm pretty much leaning toward the "two-halves-of-a-whole" trope. The Weasley twins are never arguing in the books; there's this sense of equality between both. I know Fred speaks first and initiates jokes and all...but somehow I feel that the main reason why they're so prominent and so well-loved in the series is because of their two-ness. A good example would be to compare the two-ness of the twins to their good mate Lee Jordan, who I feel is equal to them in terms of their sense of mischief and creativity. I'm going to say that I think Lee Jordan is more outgoing than the twins (being quidditch commentator and Potterwatch radio host and all), and yet his character is overshadowed by them. Fans love the twins more.
It always feels (to me, at least) that their uniqueness and individuality is closely tied to their duality, and the sense of ease they have with this duality, which does lend them a certain invulnerability. They do feel like a wall, sometimes. But of course, this is my own perspective, which is an outsider's viewpoint. I will definitely be trying to get into both their heads (fingers crossed) and explore their psychological states and coping mechanisms and their relationship to each other. So, there will hopefully be nuances of difference between Fred and George, and I will be exploring these in future chapters.
So thank you so very much once again for your lovely honest review! You do make complete sense and your feedback's been absolutely valuable!
-teh Report Review
So many Fred feels! So many!!
I loved the way you brought us inside George's head. It wasn't too much.. I think there's a point where this kind of pain can sound unnatural, but this felt perfect.
The imagery.. George feels literally lifeless. Worse than that. Him thoughts about wanting Fred's body all to himself were absolutely amazing. Because Fred is his. I mean, he's part of the whole family, but he's really George's. Those two are closer than anyone could imagine, and you brought that all to the surface with this.
The section about Lee was so creative and highlighted George's desperate need to just never have wanted it to happen. As sad as it was, I love it.
JamiAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review!! I'm so glad you enjoyed the story :)
I'm trying to portray George's grief as best as I can, and to go into detail about the twins' sibling relationship with each other. Your feedback has been really helpful so thanks once again :)
-teh Report Review
Hello there, I'm here with your requested review!
Your introductory paragraph is great. It's poetically grotesque--"astonished hole," for example. At first I was going to suggest that you take out the "slow mo" bit, but it does bring the reader back to George and the way he would tell a story and the language he would use.
I love, "and the dust and the dust and the dust." You can see a tortured person repeating this to themselves at all hours of the night, like it's become his mantra or something. Wonderful.
Oh! And the part about clapping his hand over his mouth and keeping his last breath back in--how heartbreaking!
Poor George, wanting to get to say goodbye to his twin but having to stand aside and wait for the others to say goodbye. But then again it's not their fault is it? And the face being a pale smear in the dark is such a wonderful image. And George imagining himself in Fred's body is just heart-wrenching.
And your ending. Wow. This is an absolutely breathtaking story. It's going on my favorites list for sure; I'm so glad you asked me to review this. 10/10!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful and flattering review my_voice_rising!!
I'm so glad you liked it; thanks for the fantastic rating. It's such a great encouragement...now I have no excuse not to finish it :)
Yeah, I chose to embed colloquialisms in the text because I wanted it to be more "natural-sounding", at least strengthen George's characterisation a little more. I hope I've been convincing enough writing as George. Fred's POV has plenty of these informal phrases (and curses.:)).
I'm so happy and honoured that you've added this to your favourites! This has just made my day. This is an ongoing fanfic, so I'll be updating and writing the next few chapters when I have the time (chapt. 2 is already up!).
Thank you so much once again!
-teh Report Review
Hi, Elphaba back again!
Okay, so you asked in your review request whether I could tell Fred and George apart. So far the answer is "yes."
Fred is obviously a lot more talky and jokey than George was in the last chapter. That makes perfect sense -- Fred didn't have to watch his brother die, he merely experienced death first hand. ;) He's no longer caught in battle, and is able to contemplate death and remember how they used to "blow over death like a breeze." I love that phrase, by the way!
The use of parentheses in the beginning section is interesting to me -- I get the sense that Fred's (soul?) is in shock, and it takes him a while to collect himself in the moments after he's died. Once he does though, he's on a roll. :)
Your use of extra spaces as Fred recounts his moment of death is also interesting. I don't always like this kind of formatting (it can seem too gimmicky) but I think it works well here to depict "the slow detaching of consciousness from flesh, thoughts and memories." It's as if he wound down at his death, and then wound back up again afterward.
I thoroughly enjoyed both chapters, and would definitely like to read more! I'd like to find out more about what the afterlife is like for Fred. Does he watch over George, or are they are truly separated?Author's Response: Hello again Elphaba!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read both chapters and even leave two separate reviews! It's lovely of you!
I'm glad you could differentiate between both POVs; it's quite a relief to hear that! I found it quite hard writing Fred's POV because he is such a quick-witted funny and outgoing fellow...completely the opposite of what I am in real life. So I had to really imagine myself in character - the things I'd do and say - just to make the characterisation and the writing convincing.
As for the formatting, yes - sometimes it can get quite gimmicky and contrived. One of the reasons for writing in such a way is that I'm dealing with the subjects of death and disembodiment, which are quite drastic and shocking (or life-changing) situations. So I thought I could afford to be a little experimental with my prose =) Of course I'll try to have some restraint and not let it go out of hand and become too abstract.
And yes, the twins are separated completely. For now, at least. Don't want to make it too easy for them :)
Thank you once again for your two fabulous reviews!
-teh Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!
First of all, while I have read a few other stories that dealt with Fred's death, I haven't read anything that has dealt with it in such a visceral way before! So far I've been totally captivated. I was especially struck by the section where George lets Lee believe he is Fred, and loses his twin all over again when Percy corrects him.
I think your descriptions of the fighting and chaos are great. I love how you work sight, sound and feel into your writing. This is probably my favorite sentence: "I opened Fred's mouth, peeled his voice out of my parched throat. It was like pulling off adhesive tape from skin."
Have you thought about smell and taste? How would the dust coating George's mouth and lungs taste? What kinds of smells would he experience during the battle?
I wasn't confused by your writing style, or struck by any cliches or gag-inducing melodrama. :) I could definitely see this story continuing on. I am curious to know more about how George deals with Fred's death in the battle's aftermath. I'm also curious to see what Fred is up to, now that he's dead.Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review, Elphaba!
Yes, I'm aware that there are lots of stories revolving around Fred and George and Fred's death =) I've been trying to write a new spin on it...to make the best of unoriginal subject matter. And I hope I've done OK so far.
Thanks for the examples; I will definitely consider adding more textures and sensations to my story. It would heighten the visceral sense even more.
Thanks again! Report Review
Your Fred is fantastic. Your characterisation of him both alive and dead is absolutely perfect, the way you've contrasted both alive!Fred and brackets!Fred is nothing short of masterful, and I'm running out of adjectives.
I'm also quite in love with your use of space and punctuation. It reminds me a bit of House of Leaves, and anything that reminds me of that is a good thing unless it scares the crap out of me. It's actually a style I've always wanted to use, and I'm really glad that someone can pull it off.
And that last line - brilliant.
And now I will stop gushing and let you get on with it... at least, until the next chapter. Hey, at least you got an unexpected review out of it.Author's Response: Caoty!
No, THANKYOUSOMUCH for the completely unexpected but flattering review =) Woke up to this and nearly wept big warm salty tears of joy =)
I found Fred pretty difficult to write because he's such an outgoing, quick-witted, funny character...even more so than George...and the complete opposite of the sort of person I am in real life :) I'm so glad you found his characterisation convincing; it's one of the things I've been worrying about. That, and whether the twins' voices can be differentiated from each other. And if their sibling relationship is adequately and convincingly portrayed.
Anyway, I love parentheses...so i took quite a liberty with them for this chapter. And the space thing just came to my mind when I was re-reading and editing the chapter. Just to break up the monotony a little and be a little experimental, y'know. I mean I'm supposed to be writing death and all. i think you should experiment with these things too in your story! You'd probably pull them off well :)
So anyway, thanks once again for your awesomesauce review!! I'm glad you like it =)
-teh Report Review
*Hi I'm from the review tag thread!
This is a very emotional and sad start. Fred dying is one thing, but George's emotions are heart-wrenching and just so overwhelming. You really captured his personality and his actions well. I particularly like that he would be so willing to tell everybody that he hadn't seen Fred's death, he just saw dust, dust, and more dust. He's clearly in denial about what happened, and I don't blame him. His other half is missing, gone forever, and he can't handle it.
I enjoyed the section with Lee Jordan also. Well, I can't say I enjoyed it because it teared me up, but it was very well written and very believable.
Overall I'd say this was really great and very emotional (which is a good thing!) Great job on this!Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review! I'm very keen to portray George's emotional and psychological postwar state (without too much crying into pillows of course =)) Hope I don't get too silly or corny at some point! Lucky for the reader that Fred is still around. At least his voice is =) Fred's POV is in the second chapter.
Thanks again! Report Review
Another breathtaking chapter! I like the way you experimented with the spacing of the text during Fred's death, and the use of parentheses at the beginning of the chapter. They work very well with getting your point across. My only warning would be not to overuse them (which might be tempting later, though I think you used them in just the right amounts here.)
And I loved your last line.
I'll look forward to the next chapter!Author's Response: Thank you once again for another lovely review!!
And yes! Parentheses! They are currently my obssession...and if I had my way I'd insert one in every sentence...but I don't think it would make easy reading =)
The point of parentheses in this story is to break up the narrative and sort of give a sense of disruption to the text. And to include other voices / asides. I would like the "brokenness" of the writing and the narrative to reflect on the "broken-ness" of the characters...OK, I might be getting a little melodramatic / corny here.
Whenever I find a parenthesised section in anyone's story it always intrigues me.
HOwever I'll take your advice and definitely not overuse them!
Thanks again! Report Review
'course I'm alright with reading the words of newbies, especially when they come out with stuff as good as this.
So there was me thinking that after With All Things and the countless abandoned fics in which George returns to the shop but can't deal with his grief so an angelic OC must save him, et cetera et cetera, there was not a lot you could really do with George in the immediate aftermath of Fred's death. I was proven wrong. I haven't really read much - or any - fic in George's perspective set in the latter half of the battle, so you need not worry about unoriginality.
(And you can tell from ^that paragraph that I am the absolute wrong person to ask about weird sentence structure.)
Your use of language here is gorgeous, especially your descriptions of the physicality (I'm probably not using that word properly but you know what I mean) of Fred's death and his corpse. It's something that many writers, fic or otherwise, don't explore, and you've really shown us how the death would have looked - it wasn't just sad, it was pretty damn violent and sickening. It's lovely, actually, in a way that probably only I could call it so.
The whole thing with George momentarily becoming Fred could have gone wrong in so many different ways, but you've handled it beautifully and it's wonderful and I'm jealous of you now because I've always wanted to write something like that but I've never had the chance. God that was a long sentence. Anyway. This is the line that stood out to me the most:
>(Fred is dead and I am George. George is gone and I am Fred. Forge George. Dead Fred.)
You've taken a joke about the Weasley twins's identicalness way too far and it still works. It's extremely poignant. It's a bit creepy. I love it.
I've got a bit of critique for you, maybe something you won't agree with me on, but maybe consider it anyway - George's voice. Your George's first-person narration is a tad bit more eloquent than George in canon IIRC - and while the descriptive language is lovely and I wouldn't want you to change, maybe change it to third (or even second) person, so you can have your properly-characterised George and your eloquent narration. Maybe. I don't know. You don't have to take me up on that if you don't want to.
Anyway. I hope this review wasn't entirely useless, good luck with writing this, and you might find me popping in to see how this fic turns out, because I'm very much intrigued. :)Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I'm blown away by the length and detail of it, and your very valuable opinion! (Your review was nowhere near useless!) This just made my day. Or night, in this part of the world where I'm at. I'm so glad you like the story =)))
I understand what you mean about George's voice, and how it differs from the canon (not sure what IIRC means...). I thought the Weasley twins were always a witty eloquent pair in the novels?? I mean we don't really see their thoughts and all because they're minor characters. I've always thought that there's a lot missing from the characters of Fred and George in the books. I mean readers only always see their joking, playful selves and not a lot else. Even after Fred's death scene, Rowling goes on to describe Percy and Ron's reactions but not George's. George isn't even mentioned any further in the series (OK, there was a bit about him dueling Yaxley but that's all) and I found this really upsetting because of course he would've been the worst affected.
So I'm adding a lot of detail (some of it descriptive observations) to George's POV with the hope of fleshing his character out more but without being too OOC.hope I can manage that...
And George's POV isn't the only viewpoint in the story. Dead Fred speaks as well. And sometimes I'll be switching to third person...at least I plan to, anyway! I like switching around =) and I'll try not to make it too confusing.
Thanks so so much once again for your wonderful review! It means a lot to me =)
Your descriptions are beautiful. I'll look forward to reading the rest of this. 10/10.Author's Response: Oh, wow, thank you so much! This is such a tremendous encouragement! Thanks for the excellent rating =) Report Review
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