Reading Reviews for Other Side of Glass
  
71 Reviews Found

Review #51, by KCKibbles to grieve

5th December 2012:
Alright, well here's my review for the review tag thing. I think this is my first time reviewing anything on this site. I decided to review this chapter because it looked like it needed love :P (I read the others too, don't worry)
It must be terrible to be close twins like Fred and George. Pretty much everything you do is going to be a constant reminder. You made that really clear.
I wasn't sure whether or not to laugh at the way George was acting during the funeral because of the Grimbly. In a way, I suppose I was embarrassed and felt sorry for him at the same time; it was just sad . I actually cringed throughout the whole scene after he got up and said, "Actually there is no need for this." You made me feel for the character and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.
That's pretty much all I have to say. Overall I enjoyed it.

Author's Response: Hello there! Thank you so much for your review, and wow! Thanks for taking the time to read all THREE chapters! I hope it wasn't too laboured a read for you. Your comments really made my day and I am so happy that you actually cringed! OK, this sounds a little wrong, but I wanted to make the reader uncomfortable with this scene, and I am not the type of writer who insulates my characters, or protects them too much. I'm glad you empathized enough with George to feel this discomfort! And this scene is meant to be sort of ridiculous (grimbly ha!) at the same time, there's all that grief. So I'm very glad to hear all your reactions. It means I did something right, woo!

Thanks so very much once again for reviewing! I know you put a request in my thread; I'll get down to your story within the next few days!

-teh


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Review #52, by academica dust

2nd December 2012:
Hello, I'm here from Review Tag!

This is such a fascinating exploration into George's attempt to cope with Fred's death, and I like how he's not even coping in this first chapter. In his desperation, he sheds his own skin to put on Fred's instead, almost as if he values Fred's life more than his own and thinks everyone else will as well. I love the style here, how you used the parenthetical thoughts and eerie observations (like Fred laughing at the use of 'dead weight') to move the plot along. I love the ending, too, because it's so haunting. It sets up the notion that George will not be able to properly process Fred's death anytime soon.

I don't know what you cut out or added in, but I really like this as is. It seems very simple and the flow is great. It really makes me want to read on.

Nice work! :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hello there! Thank you so much for your lovely comments :) I'm glad you found the story fascinating and not too cliched or melodramatic or anything like that! I am being a little liberal with my style here; one of the reasons for the parentheses is to have a kind of a fractured narrative to reflect on George's state of shock and grief etc. I did trim off some excess descriptions here and there, yes; I can get quite meticulous with my editing :D

Alright, thanks so much once again for reading and reviewing this! It really does mean a lot.

-teh


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Review #53, by Voldy Needs a Hug dust

1st December 2012:
Hi, Voldy Needs a Hug here with your requested review. Sorry it took me so long to get around to reviewing! Anyway, here it is.

This chapter was amazing - I don't think there are any other words to describe it, to be honest. I really enjoyed the originality of the fanfiction. I haven't read anything quite like this before, and I rather enjoyed it.

I loved how you selected to write from George's point of view, especially his emotions immediately after Fred's death. His thoughts and emotions seemed spot on throughout the entire chapter. It would be nice to see some of George's thoughts toward the end of the chapter when he's clinging to his twin's lifeless body.

I thought it was interesting that you inserted his thoughts into parenthesis (I assume). I typically see them in italics, but that is just author preference.

Excellent job!

Author's Response: Aww..thank you so much for your wonderful review, Voldy! :D Your words mean a lot to me, and I'm glad you think my depiction of George's POV is convincing :) And original? Wow, this is some seriously amazing praise! The parentheses weren't so much deliberate thoughts but...well, moments of umm...consciousness (for lack of a better word). Or echoes, or asides, or strange, rather irrelevant observations.

Thanks for taking the time to read and review this! It really does mean a lot to me :D and I'm so glad you liked it!

-teh



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Review #54, by UnluckyStar57 dust

27th November 2012:
Hi! I'm here with the review you requested... I hope my suggestions are helpful!!

First of all, the beginning is great. All of the emotions in George's mind are jumbled and confused because he has just lost his twin, and you made his sorrow quite clear. There is, however, a bit of a run-on in the first full paragraph: "When he took a half-step back... Dark space between his fingers." The emotions are good, but I think you could probably break this sentence up a bit. The way I see it, the death of Fred happened so quickly that it needs to be described in terse, choppy bits.

Also, just a style thing: I'm of the mindset that thoughts should be italicized, and if I'm not mistaken, the words you have in parentheses are some of George's sub-thoughts. (He was thinking about something, and then his brain interjected, probably from his subconscious.) Well, that's what I like to call them. The sub-thoughts you have are effective; they're powerful and short, but they would become even more effective if they were italicized. That's just my opinion, though, so don't take it personally if you don't like the idea. :)
I also think that you could have used more "sub-thoughts," especially towards the end. Have you ever read some of Stephen King's novels? He uses those sub-thoughts to really display the character's deepest fears and torments, and I think what you've got here is the perfect sort of opportunity to dig into George's mind.

"I would have forced that last breath back in."--BRILLIANT. This captures perfectly his desperation and longing for his brother. I love it!

There are a few run-ons that could use some trimming. I understand that his thoughts weren't completely coherent when he hit his head, but you could probably cut out a few of the less important words in the sentence "Someone's spell...pinholing my eyeballs."

When George became Fred... Whoa. That whole section was really solid. Change NOTHING!! Because it was perfectly timed and brilliantly executed.


When he held his brother at the end, before Charlie, Bill, and Mr. Weasley tried to pull him away... The imagery there is really nice. I can smell the blood and sweat, and those smells help me visualize the melancholy scene. If you could appeal to the senses (other than sight) perhaps just a bit more throughout the story, it would really tie things together quite well.

The pun was awesome! (Sorry I can't stop saying how awesome this chapter was, but I'm sure you probably don't mind.) For me, though it was intended to be humorous, instead it was ominous. George is cracking under the weight of his sorrow. His defenses are down, he's vulnerable. The pun made that all come up to the surface.

One last suggestion before I wrap this review up: "Laughter. I can hear it still. It is such an odd sound."
To kind of sustain the effect to the end, I suggest leaving "I can hear it still" with the big paragraph and making "Laughter. It is such an odd sound." its own little line at the end. So just a bit of rearranging, but it's also fine the way you wrote it. :)

Thanks for being my first review requester, and I hope that I have not disappointed you!! :)

~~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Disappointed me? NEVER :D

Thank you so much for this much-needed lengthy and very-detailed review! I'm glad you've left a lot of comments on my sentence structures; they are something which are rather inconsistent throughout the story as I have indeed come up with quite a jumble of sentence fragments and run-ons. The first couple of paragraphs had plenty of sentence fragments...but they were rather long fragments, and I do see your point on how the suddenness of the action should be conveyed in "terse choppy bits". I shall most certainly go through this chapter again with all your recommendations in mind.

I'm glad you like parts of the story; I will definitely keep textures in mind while I'm working on descriptive passages.

And I see what you mean about italicising thoughts. I don't read Stephen King but maybe I should just to see how he styles his prose. The parentheses weren't so much deliberate thoughts but...well, moments of umm...consciousness (for lack of a better word). Or echoes, or asides, or strange, rather irrelevant observations. Anyway, I will definitely look at the structure and style of the narrative again!

Well, thank you so very much once again for the wonderful review. Your feedback's been absolutely valuable, and if you don't mind i would like to re-request in your thread.

-teh


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Review #55, by Calypso  dust

26th November 2012:
Hey there- CalypsoJenna from the forums finally here! Thank you for your review on my story- I'm sorry it's taken a while for me to get to yours!

So I really enjoyed reading this- it's such an overwhelming moment for George and you brought across his emotions wonderfully- his reactions seemed so realistic.

I especially how you described Fred's death so physically. There was something rather grotesque about it, and yet something gripping too- as if George was having to break the moment down into the literal sequence of events in order to understand that it had happened.

I also thought his train of thought when he was trying to pretend to be Fred fitted in really well with the way you've characterised him in this. It's strange, because we always see the twins as happy, lighter characters in the books, but here you're really showing George in a darker light which is interesting.
I liked the way you used the fact that they were identical all through this chapter.

And argh the way you can use language! I think that was my favourite part of reading this. You used such beautiful turns of phrase, it was so easy to identify with George's grief. The level of description was perfect- enough for the reader to be able to picture the situation, but not too overdone. Every detail seemed so well thought out, and exactly the kind of thing George would be noticing under the circumstances.

So well done! A really touching piece of writing. Your portrayal of George's emotions is exquisite, and I'd be really interested to see what kind of journey you're going to take him on!

-Bethany

Author's Response: Hello, Bethany! Thank you so much for your lovely review :D I'm glad you liked it, and your comments were wonderful! I want to explore the identical-ness of the twins in this fic, so there's probably going to be a lot more references to this in future chapters...probably until readers are sick of hearing how identical the twins are :D

I'm glad you think George's character and observations are realistic; I've been having quite a trying time writing him in-character, because yes, you're right, the Weasley twins are always light-hearted and joking in the books and they are hardly ever shown as sad, or in a darker frame of mind. Maybe some anger here and there, but generally they feel quite inaccessible. So that's what I'm trying to explore here and I hope I will be successful :)

Thank you so much once again for your review! I really do appreciate it and hope you keep reading :D

-teh


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Review #56, by Jchrissy fred

17th November 2012:
This is absolutely wonderful/heartbreaking. This is one of those deaths that I'll never understand. Sirius's half killed me, but I get it. I still don't think he should have died but I understand the necessity of taking every single thing from Harry so when it came to that final moment, he could die without hesitation. But Fred. Fred. . The worst part is is that it's not just Fred it killed, but George too. Because really, how is someone supposed to be okay after losing so much of them?

The entire section of them discussing death, making jokes out of it that weren't really jokes was extremely beautiful but with the bittersweet pain that I'm sure you intended. Because it doesn't happen that way. They don't go out blazing, fireworks and all. Ugh. Too painful ;(.

I really liked your odd structure. I love the break up of sentences and the poetic bits and the fact that it really just was as chaotic as the twins were. I think it fit your story perfectly.

I'll definitely be coming back for the next chapter!

Jami

Author's Response: Hello Jami,

thank you so much for your lovely review :D

Yes, I've been pretty shredded by Fred's death as well, and how it must have affected George :( So much so that I've been driven to write this story. I don't know how successful or convincing I'll be in writing about the twins (they're such difficult characters to write!), especially post-Hogwarts post-war twins. And one of them being dead and all...

I'm glad you liked the structure of the story; I've just been experimenting around with it (to make the story hopefully less monotonous since not a lot has happened so far) and hopefully it doesn't go overboard or anything like it :)

Thank you so much once again; your review means heaps to me :D And I do hope you keep reading and enjoy the future chapters just as much!

-teh


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Review #57, by caoty to grieve

16th November 2012:
You? Incompetent? Never. And I'm not even being sarcastic.

So. Where to begin. I'll try to start at the beginning, but I don't know how successful that'll be.
I don't know if the Burrow's current state and Molly's reaction to it is meant to reflect George, but it does, shattered photo frames and the like. As do the fragmented sentences you're apologising for. I love it. All of it. Just thought I'd remind you of that in case you'd forgotten.

I also love your messing around with pronouns to refer to Gred & Forge. You've turned confusion into an art form. I'm jealous.
Your use of synaesthesia, too. Bloody hell. I'm synaesthetic, but I feel kinda mundane after reading your delirious descriptions.

But mostly - yes, there is a point to this review - dark humour! Yay! I'm the kind of person who laughed near the end of Requiem for a Dream, so I laughed at lines like:
Fred-in-a-box
and just high!George throughout the funeral. It was hilarious, and hilariously sad. I don't know how you do it. It's not fair. D:

This would be a more detailed review, but I'm not very good with words. You may have noticed.

I will say that I'm not sure I quite understand the whole headstone thing - I mean, I get that it's significant and stuff - but I just... don't get it. Doesn't click for me. I'm not very bright and you are very subtle. Could you explain that one to me, please?

Anyway - I'm sorry for this crap review and thank you so much for updating.

Author's Response: Yay! Thank you so much for this uh, "crap review", you said!? No, it's brilliant and it's made my day :D You're synaesthetic? Wow, that's something. I can't imagine how it's like so I did a lot of guesswork here...also I did remember having a conversation with someone else who has synaesthesia and tried to be ahem, accurate.

I was worried that George being high in Fred's funeral was a little silly...but then I thought, it's silly? Then I'm definitely writing it! I'm glad you thought I pulled it off :D

As for the gravestone thing, it's just one of those moments that don't make sense without the rest of the story in context. Um, I do have sort of an idea (a very very vague one) where this story is going, and I guess you will have to wait (uh, several chapters?) before it sort of starts to make sense. Am so sorry! It's me, not you :(

And stop being jealous of me; you're a fantastic writer yourself! You say more than I could ever manage in such few words :) That's a skill that's hard for others to master.

Thanks so much once again :D Always look forward to your reviews!

-teh


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Review #58, by ChaosWednesday fred

16th November 2012:
Hey its Whiskey, back for some more reviewing!

First, some general comments. What makes this story really good so far is your ability to pick a theme and to stick to it, develop the idea and illustrate it with poignant examples. In the last chapter, it was a discussion of the line separating two individuals. Now, the topic has switched to, I suppose, the irony of life. These are very broad ideas, but I really felt that you succeeded in exploring them. I might have overinterpreted, but I hope I'm on the right track! XD

What I described above can add a lot to a piece of writing, and compensate for any other drawbacks. That said, there WERE several drawbacks in this chapter that I would like to point out:

First of all, I don't understand why it needs to be narrated by Fred. If you ask me, hearing his voice takes away from the pain and the tragedy of loosing him in the previous chapter. In fact, I feel like it destroys the entire emotional premise. After all, Fred didn't say anything George could not have said. Having George remember the same incident and wonder what Fred would say, "where" he is and how exactly he died would have been very strong and heartbreaking, in my opinion. The last sentence (which I loved by the way,no matter who narrates it) would have been much more layered had George arrived at that conclusion. Admitting that someone you love died in a useless, pathetic fashion is very real and also a step towards character development. having someone saythat about themselves is just bitter and, well,whiney.

Another issue I had with this chapter was the free-verse poetry bits. They were good on their own, but seemed to come out of the blue. If I were you, I would add more such moments. It would underline the transcendental nature of the chapter. After all, we ARE reading a narration by someone from beyond the grave, it's bound to be distroted and unconventional.

Additionally, I would advise you to go over the dialogues and the narration (in the beginning of the chapter). It's not bad, but some parts feel forced. This, for example: "Mostly, we were jinxing suits of armour into swinging about their swords and axes, hacking at each other's breastplates and lopping off helms. There was quite a lot of clanging; it was as though church bells had taken to the school passageways." Or this: "Outside, the night was quilt-thick. In the sky, a sickle-slice of moon looking as though it had swung off its axis, its two points like staples aimed down toward the Astronomy Tower". Both are wonderful descriptions, but I can't see them coming from the mind of a Weasley Twin.

All in all, this is still a wonderful story and I am glad you requested! I will stop here for now, but feel free to re-request any time,I would be happy to read more!

Author's Response: Hello again, Whiskey!

Awww, thanks for leaving a second review! That was completely unexpected and I'm really grateful that you came back to read more and offer more valuable feedback on the story :D

This story was initially meant to be a very short one...maybe two or three chapters but I scrapped that idea and decided on a longer story :) I guess these first couple of chapters might read a bit like dead ends. The second chapter definitely needs rewriting and your suggestions will be very helpful when I get down to doing that :) I was considering moving Fred's narration of his own death further down the story, so there wouldn't be the same scene by two POVs back-to-back, but as the rest of the story has yet to exist, I think I'll only be able to achieve that once the whole thing is out and I can cut and reshuffle the chapters and pieces (time doesn't matter to Fred).

And yes, I was trying to break the mood and atmosphere of grief in this chapter because Fred isn't really grieving his own death, just in a state of shock and bewilderment...maybe there's a bit of regret, don't know :D As for the 'free-verse' bits, I don't think I can cram too much of that in a single chapter :) They are meant to be disruptive, but I do want to moderate the amount used...and they certainly will be used again in future chapters, just not one clump of them in one go.

I'm glad you picked up on the fact that Fred sounds a bit 'whiney', because he's a bit more self-absorbed in this story than George (who by the way will get pretty self-absorbed as well). Well, death does change people doesn't it :D

And thanks for the advice about the descriptions and dialogue! I will have to work over them and cut out all the clunky bits :) So hopefully everything will read a bit smoother the second time round!

OK, thanks once again for your thoughtful review and your opinions! I really appreciate them and I'll probably drop round your review thread to re-request soon :D

-teh


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Review #59, by shadowycorner fred

15th November 2012:
So I've read this chapter a few hours ago, but it was hard to find the right words because it's all so effin' heartbreaking. You've set it all up perfectly. I liked the parentheses touch, and the breaking up of text in the end. It really felt just like Fred's life being broken up.

From beginning to end, Fred's narrative was to die for. I was drinking in every word and once again, you just kill me with some of your sentences and expressions and you're weaving the words here with such magic! Reading this was really a treat.

Their plan to die together makes sense and that's how it should've been, not like this. The moment of Fred's almost death was very well-executed. They got so close to losing one another they for the first time came to dwell on the subject. And the way they talked to each other, and finished off each other's sentences...that was so amazing, I can't even begin to tell you how much that made me smile and then just crumble inside.

Oh and the last line was brilliant and also totally devastating, but mainly brilliant. I'm glad there was another chapter to this story, and oh my dear lord you truly need to write more, because you can really do it! I'm really intrigued about how this continues. Can't wait for the next chapter. :)

Liz

Author's Response: Hello again Liz :D

Thanks! I'm a little teary to have received two such wonderful reviews from you. Also, I have a terrible cold :D Your lovely words made me feel much better. I'm glad you like this chapter as well; it does need a bit of editing and rewriting.


I have finished writing Chapter 3, though it might be harder to get through it (it's heavier and with even less dialogue) than these two first chapters; but I'm hoping you'll like it just as much. It's been in the validation queue for a couple of days now so it should be accessible pretty soon...if it is validated (hopefully nothing I've written is too unpublishable for the archives).

Thank you once again, I can't thank you enough! Always a pleasure when someone enjoys your writing :D

-teh


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Review #60, by shadowycorner dust

14th November 2012:
There's so much pain in this piece and I could feel it all. I don't even know how to review this, because I think it was really, really well-written. You handled George's angst with a very unique way. Your descriptions and some sentences were beautiful. I loved the imagery, I loved how strange and odd George viewed it all because of his shock.

The scene where Lee mistook George for Fred and he just led it slide was really spooky and so sad, and when Percy came and it felt to George as if he had lost his twin all over again, that just broke my heart. I find all this so hard to describe because Fred's death was terrible and I still don't get why. When his dad and brothers tried to pull George away from Fred, it was a mixture of feelings, because I knew they had to do it, they had to get him away, but at the same time I wanted to yell, Leave him alone! Just leave him with Fred! And then you killed me, because when Ginny came and told him she'll stay with him and slowly managed to peel him away, I just lost it. It was so heart-breaking and gentle and I loved that you chose Ginny. It was mentioned a few times in the books that Ginny spent a lot of time with the twins and...I just don't know what to say! That part almost made me burst into tears.

I might have clapped my palm over his mouth I might have forced that last breath back in. This is such a fantastic line. I just wanted to point it out because it really grabbed my attention and touched me in a way. Amazing line.

Overall I'd just like to say that this piece of writing really moved me. You conveyed the emotion perfectly, and portrayed the scene very well in a few words. It was great how George's perception of everything was hazy and torn in places, because he felt so out of this world right after Fred died. Then the last part, as he heard his laughter echo, and it sounded very odd, that felt so strangely haunting.

I think this could easily stand as a one-shot and be perfect, but I'm really intrigued as to what comes next because your summary is so mysterious. I also have a thing for fics that takes us into a world after death, they're really exciting! Unfortunately, I have to run to school now, but you can count on me reading the next chapter after I come back. It's mostly because of your writing. There's something to it that really makes me want to read more of your work. So, until the next chapter. :)

Liz

Author's Response: Hello Liz!

Wow, thanks for your fantastic compliments and review :D It's always such an honour and tremendous encouragement whenever someone gives such positive comments. I'm really glad you like it; your review has certainly made my day :D

I was originally thinking of writing a one-shot with this - just giving a portrait of George's grief and sense of loss...but I wasn't satisfied. There are lots of one-shots about Fred's death, and what I want is to really explore how George gets on with his life by himself. Also, I can't stand the thought of having a longer multi-chaptered fic of George by himself so I had to bring Fred back (not from death, but at least give him a voice - the second chapter features (un)dead Fred's POV). I'll be sort of rebuilding the Weasley twins' lives. Or at least trying to! Hopefully this story will go somewhere and not end up being useless stretches of empty prose!!

Thank you so so so much once again for your wonderful review :D I hope you keep reading and enjoy the following chapters as much as this one!

-teh


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Review #61, by moondrifter fred

11th November 2012:
WOWOWOWOW!
This is amazing! This is the kind of fic that I'm always on the lookout for but never seem to find. So thank you for writing this :) I love your poetic experimentation with spacing and parentheses. Your writing is so emotive and atmospheric. You're extremely talented.
I'm so glad to have stumbled upon this. Can't wait for more!

Author's Response: Oh, thank YOU for reading and reviewing! I'm so glad you enjoyed it :) And even more glad that you stumbled upon this! Your review has absolutely made my night. Am currently editing the third chapter, should be in the validation queue some time this week! Thank you so very much once again for your lovely review :D

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Review #62, by ChaosWednesday dust

5th November 2012:
Hey there,its Whiskey from the forums!

Can I confess something? This almost made me tear up a tiny bit! It really did. Specifically this moment: "C'mon, we need you". Something about how George had to keep fighting a war that had already destroyed everything...very heartbreaking and a really good - GOOD- detail.

The style was very interesting. Your descriptive choices often corresponded to how I imagined the non-sentimental yet honest Twin brain would think (for example when George watches his mother sob over Fred''s body). On the other hand, there were odd bits such as this: "I opened Fred's mouth, peeled his voice out of my parched throat. It was like pulling off adhesive tape from skin." It's a poignant metaphor, but it's in discordance with the rest of the chapter. This is a matter of opinion, of course, but it just sounded too melodramatic for George. Another example was this:"...like knives and bouncing off the walls and the dust and the dust and the dust." Consecutive "and"s are a good tool for first person narrative, but would Geroge ever talk or think this way? It sounds almost typically feminine to me...

Another thing I noticed was this: "It (Lee's face) hung like a pale smear in the dark." I thought Lee was black? :P

I would like to add that it was a great choice to play the twin-connection angle by having the grieving George try to find Fred in himself. The way you described it was well in accordance to how irrational yet symbolical the human mind is when in shock. But the entire time I was reading this, I couldn't stop wondering about the following: Fred and George are not all that similar in character. I would suspect that although they were ALWAYS on eachother's side no matter what, there must have been inner conflicts related to each asserting their own individuality against the odds of the world perceiving them as one and the same. Wouldn't George have to work through some issues of guilt or some memories of their difference in his attempt to ressurect Fred in himself? I am sure that the twins had a bond most can't even imagine, but knowing the paradoxical way the human mind works, I have always pictured their relationship to be secretly more on the hate-love spectrum. Since Fred and George are actually very inaccessible in the books, no one can say for sure, though, so this is not so much a critique as a comment ;)

I'll be of to the next chapter soon! Hope this helped, feel free to PM me if anything is unclear, I tend to get carried away and stop making sense :P

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for your wonderfully honest review :D Your insight has been absolutely valuable and I'll certainly be taking your comments into account when I rewrite this chapter!

Now when I read that sentence with the repetition and the dust and the dust etc. it does sound a little forced. So I guess I will leave that out. And as for the Lee Jordan bit :D Yes, Lee is black but I left that description there because I sort of imagined him covered with layers of dust. And it was really dark and everything. Which now sounds silly. I'll think of a way to reword that part.

And as for the twins themselves, you're right in saying that they're "very inaccessible in the books". I was thinking about how I'd like to portray their relationship. There are lots of twin portrayals where one twin is dominant and the other's in the shadow and I've decided that this is not what I want. That means I'm pretty much leaning toward the "two-halves-of-a-whole" trope. The Weasley twins are never arguing in the books; there's this sense of equality between both. I know Fred speaks first and initiates jokes and all...but somehow I feel that the main reason why they're so prominent and so well-loved in the series is because of their two-ness. A good example would be to compare the two-ness of the twins to their good mate Lee Jordan, who I feel is equal to them in terms of their sense of mischief and creativity. I'm going to say that I think Lee Jordan is more outgoing than the twins (being quidditch commentator and Potterwatch radio host and all), and yet his character is overshadowed by them. Fans love the twins more.

It always feels (to me, at least) that their uniqueness and individuality is closely tied to their duality, and the sense of ease they have with this duality, which does lend them a certain invulnerability. They do feel like a wall, sometimes. But of course, this is my own perspective, which is an outsider's viewpoint. I will definitely be trying to get into both their heads (fingers crossed) and explore their psychological states and coping mechanisms and their relationship to each other. So, there will hopefully be nuances of difference between Fred and George, and I will be exploring these in future chapters.

So thank you so very much once again for your lovely honest review! You do make complete sense and your feedback's been absolutely valuable!

-teh


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Review #63, by Jchrissy dust

29th October 2012:
So many Fred feels! So many!!

I loved the way you brought us inside George's head. It wasn't too much.. I think there's a point where this kind of pain can sound unnatural, but this felt perfect.

The imagery.. George feels literally lifeless. Worse than that. Him thoughts about wanting Fred's body all to himself were absolutely amazing. Because Fred is his. I mean, he's part of the whole family, but he's really George's. Those two are closer than anyone could imagine, and you brought that all to the surface with this.

The section about Lee was so creative and highlighted George's desperate need to just never have wanted it to happen. As sad as it was, I love it.

Awesome start!

Jami

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review!! I'm so glad you enjoyed the story :)

I'm trying to portray George's grief as best as I can, and to go into detail about the twins' sibling relationship with each other. Your feedback has been really helpful so thanks once again :)


-teh


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Review #64, by my_voice_rising dust

25th October 2012:
Hello there, I'm here with your requested review!

Your introductory paragraph is great. It's poetically grotesque--"astonished hole," for example. At first I was going to suggest that you take out the "slow mo" bit, but it does bring the reader back to George and the way he would tell a story and the language he would use.

I love, "and the dust and the dust and the dust." You can see a tortured person repeating this to themselves at all hours of the night, like it's become his mantra or something. Wonderful.

Oh! And the part about clapping his hand over his mouth and keeping his last breath back in--how heartbreaking!

Poor George, wanting to get to say goodbye to his twin but having to stand aside and wait for the others to say goodbye. But then again it's not their fault is it? And the face being a pale smear in the dark is such a wonderful image. And George imagining himself in Fred's body is just heart-wrenching.

And your ending. Wow. This is an absolutely breathtaking story. It's going on my favorites list for sure; I'm so glad you asked me to review this. 10/10!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful and flattering review my_voice_rising!!

I'm so glad you liked it; thanks for the fantastic rating. It's such a great encouragement...now I have no excuse not to finish it :)

Yeah, I chose to embed colloquialisms in the text because I wanted it to be more "natural-sounding", at least strengthen George's characterisation a little more. I hope I've been convincing enough writing as George. Fred's POV has plenty of these informal phrases (and curses.:)).

I'm so happy and honoured that you've added this to your favourites! This has just made my day. This is an ongoing fanfic, so I'll be updating and writing the next few chapters when I have the time (chapt. 2 is already up!).

Thank you so much once again!

-teh


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Review #65, by Elphaba and Boyfriends fred

24th October 2012:
Hi, Elphaba back again!

Okay, so you asked in your review request whether I could tell Fred and George apart. So far the answer is "yes."

Fred is obviously a lot more talky and jokey than George was in the last chapter. That makes perfect sense -- Fred didn't have to watch his brother die, he merely experienced death first hand. ;) He's no longer caught in battle, and is able to contemplate death and remember how they used to "blow over death like a breeze." I love that phrase, by the way!

The use of parentheses in the beginning section is interesting to me -- I get the sense that Fred's (soul?) is in shock, and it takes him a while to collect himself in the moments after he's died. Once he does though, he's on a roll. :)

Your use of extra spaces as Fred recounts his moment of death is also interesting. I don't always like this kind of formatting (it can seem too gimmicky) but I think it works well here to depict "the slow detaching of consciousness from flesh, thoughts and memories." It's as if he wound down at his death, and then wound back up again afterward.

I thoroughly enjoyed both chapters, and would definitely like to read more! I'd like to find out more about what the afterlife is like for Fred. Does he watch over George, or are they are truly separated?

Author's Response: Hello again Elphaba!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read both chapters and even leave two separate reviews! It's lovely of you!

I'm glad you could differentiate between both POVs; it's quite a relief to hear that! I found it quite hard writing Fred's POV because he is such a quick-witted funny and outgoing fellow...completely the opposite of what I am in real life. So I had to really imagine myself in character - the things I'd do and say - just to make the characterisation and the writing convincing.

As for the formatting, yes - sometimes it can get quite gimmicky and contrived. One of the reasons for writing in such a way is that I'm dealing with the subjects of death and disembodiment, which are quite drastic and shocking (or life-changing) situations. So I thought I could afford to be a little experimental with my prose =) Of course I'll try to have some restraint and not let it go out of hand and become too abstract.

And yes, the twins are separated completely. For now, at least. Don't want to make it too easy for them :)

Thank you once again for your two fabulous reviews!

-teh


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Review #66, by Elphaba and Boyfriends dust

24th October 2012:
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!

First of all, while I have read a few other stories that dealt with Fred's death, I haven't read anything that has dealt with it in such a visceral way before! So far I've been totally captivated. I was especially struck by the section where George lets Lee believe he is Fred, and loses his twin all over again when Percy corrects him.

I think your descriptions of the fighting and chaos are great. I love how you work sight, sound and feel into your writing. This is probably my favorite sentence: "I opened Fred's mouth, peeled his voice out of my parched throat. It was like pulling off adhesive tape from skin."

Have you thought about smell and taste? How would the dust coating George's mouth and lungs taste? What kinds of smells would he experience during the battle?

I wasn't confused by your writing style, or struck by any cliches or gag-inducing melodrama. :) I could definitely see this story continuing on. I am curious to know more about how George deals with Fred's death in the battle's aftermath. I'm also curious to see what Fred is up to, now that he's dead.

Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review, Elphaba!

Yes, I'm aware that there are lots of stories revolving around Fred and George and Fred's death =) I've been trying to write a new spin on it...to make the best of unoriginal subject matter. And I hope I've done OK so far.

Thanks for the examples; I will definitely consider adding more textures and sensations to my story. It would heighten the visceral sense even more.

Thanks again!


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Review #67, by caoty fred

24th October 2012:
OHMYGODTHANKYOUSOMUCHFORUPDATING

Ahem. Anyway.

Your Fred is fantastic. Your characterisation of him both alive and dead is absolutely perfect, the way you've contrasted both alive!Fred and brackets!Fred is nothing short of masterful, and I'm running out of adjectives.

I'm also quite in love with your use of space and punctuation. It reminds me a bit of House of Leaves, and anything that reminds me of that is a good thing unless it scares the crap out of me. It's actually a style I've always wanted to use, and I'm really glad that someone can pull it off.

And that last line - brilliant.

And now I will stop gushing and let you get on with it... at least, until the next chapter. Hey, at least you got an unexpected review out of it.

Author's Response: Caoty!

No, THANKYOUSOMUCH for the completely unexpected but flattering review =) Woke up to this and nearly wept big warm salty tears of joy =)

I found Fred pretty difficult to write because he's such an outgoing, quick-witted, funny character...even more so than George...and the complete opposite of the sort of person I am in real life :) I'm so glad you found his characterisation convincing; it's one of the things I've been worrying about. That, and whether the twins' voices can be differentiated from each other. And if their sibling relationship is adequately and convincingly portrayed.

Anyway, I love parentheses...so i took quite a liberty with them for this chapter. And the space thing just came to my mind when I was re-reading and editing the chapter. Just to break up the monotony a little and be a little experimental, y'know. I mean I'm supposed to be writing death and all. i think you should experiment with these things too in your story! You'd probably pull them off well :)

So anyway, thanks once again for your awesomesauce review!! I'm glad you like it =)

-teh


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Review #68, by darkkid dust

23rd October 2012:
*Hi I'm from the review tag thread!

This is a very emotional and sad start. Fred dying is one thing, but George's emotions are heart-wrenching and just so overwhelming. You really captured his personality and his actions well. I particularly like that he would be so willing to tell everybody that he hadn't seen Fred's death, he just saw dust, dust, and more dust. He's clearly in denial about what happened, and I don't blame him. His other half is missing, gone forever, and he can't handle it.

I enjoyed the section with Lee Jordan also. Well, I can't say I enjoyed it because it teared me up, but it was very well written and very believable.

Overall I'd say this was really great and very emotional (which is a good thing!) Great job on this!

Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review! I'm very keen to portray George's emotional and psychological postwar state (without too much crying into pillows of course =)) Hope I don't get too silly or corny at some point! Lucky for the reader that Fred is still around. At least his voice is =) Fred's POV is in the second chapter.

Thanks again!


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Review #69, by SereneChaos fred

22nd October 2012:
Another breathtaking chapter! I like the way you experimented with the spacing of the text during Fred's death, and the use of parentheses at the beginning of the chapter. They work very well with getting your point across. My only warning would be not to overuse them (which might be tempting later, though I think you used them in just the right amounts here.)

And I loved your last line.

I'll look forward to the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you once again for another lovely review!!

And yes! Parentheses! They are currently my obssession...and if I had my way I'd insert one in every sentence...but I don't think it would make easy reading =)

The point of parentheses in this story is to break up the narrative and sort of give a sense of disruption to the text. And to include other voices / asides. I would like the "brokenness" of the writing and the narrative to reflect on the "broken-ness" of the characters...OK, I might be getting a little melodramatic / corny here.

Whenever I find a parenthesised section in anyone's story it always intrigues me.

HOwever I'll take your advice and definitely not overuse them!

Thanks again!


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Review #70, by caoty dust

21st October 2012:
'course I'm alright with reading the words of newbies, especially when they come out with stuff as good as this.

So there was me thinking that after With All Things and the countless abandoned fics in which George returns to the shop but can't deal with his grief so an angelic OC must save him, et cetera et cetera, there was not a lot you could really do with George in the immediate aftermath of Fred's death. I was proven wrong. I haven't really read much - or any - fic in George's perspective set in the latter half of the battle, so you need not worry about unoriginality.

(And you can tell from ^that paragraph that I am the absolute wrong person to ask about weird sentence structure.)

Your use of language here is gorgeous, especially your descriptions of the physicality (I'm probably not using that word properly but you know what I mean) of Fred's death and his corpse. It's something that many writers, fic or otherwise, don't explore, and you've really shown us how the death would have looked - it wasn't just sad, it was pretty damn violent and sickening. It's lovely, actually, in a way that probably only I could call it so.

The whole thing with George momentarily becoming Fred could have gone wrong in so many different ways, but you've handled it beautifully and it's wonderful and I'm jealous of you now because I've always wanted to write something like that but I've never had the chance. God that was a long sentence. Anyway. This is the line that stood out to me the most:
>(Fred is dead and I am George. George is gone and I am Fred. Forge George. Dead Fred.)

You've taken a joke about the Weasley twins's identicalness way too far and it still works. It's extremely poignant. It's a bit creepy. I love it.

I've got a bit of critique for you, maybe something you won't agree with me on, but maybe consider it anyway - George's voice. Your George's first-person narration is a tad bit more eloquent than George in canon IIRC - and while the descriptive language is lovely and I wouldn't want you to change, maybe change it to third (or even second) person, so you can have your properly-characterised George and your eloquent narration. Maybe. I don't know. You don't have to take me up on that if you don't want to.

Anyway. I hope this review wasn't entirely useless, good luck with writing this, and you might find me popping in to see how this fic turns out, because I'm very much intrigued. :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I'm blown away by the length and detail of it, and your very valuable opinion! (Your review was nowhere near useless!) This just made my day. Or night, in this part of the world where I'm at. I'm so glad you like the story =)))

I understand what you mean about George's voice, and how it differs from the canon (not sure what IIRC means...). I thought the Weasley twins were always a witty eloquent pair in the novels?? I mean we don't really see their thoughts and all because they're minor characters. I've always thought that there's a lot missing from the characters of Fred and George in the books. I mean readers only always see their joking, playful selves and not a lot else. Even after Fred's death scene, Rowling goes on to describe Percy and Ron's reactions but not George's. George isn't even mentioned any further in the series (OK, there was a bit about him dueling Yaxley but that's all) and I found this really upsetting because of course he would've been the worst affected.

So I'm adding a lot of detail (some of it descriptive observations) to George's POV with the hope of fleshing his character out more but without being too OOC.hope I can manage that...

And George's POV isn't the only viewpoint in the story. Dead Fred speaks as well. And sometimes I'll be switching to third person...at least I plan to, anyway! I like switching around =) and I'll try not to make it too confusing.

Thanks so so much once again for your wonderful review! It means a lot to me =)



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Review #71, by SereneChaos dust

16th October 2012:
Your descriptions are beautiful. I'll look forward to reading the rest of this. 10/10.

Author's Response: Oh, wow, thank you so much! This is such a tremendous encouragement! Thanks for the excellent rating =)

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