Hello, dear. I'm here with your requested review!
I am going to start by saying, that right now, I'm crying. Tears are, quite literally, streaming down my face. This is beautiful. The first set-off section gave me serious chills. My entire back was chilled. Your writing is rhythmic, the flow is fantastic, the pace is perfect. I've gone back to pick out certain phrases that caught my eye:
"memory drops away into black trenches"
the way you describe Ginny's tears
"wand slipping through the slots of dark space between his fingers"
"knife-streaks of spells"
I'll stop there, but your imagery is impeccable. I'm so impressed. You have a real knack for metaphor. I LIKE the first person POV. I think the only thing about the story I was even the slightest bit iffy about was the way George wants to rip his mother away from Fred's body by her hair and take his hand away from Ginny and Ron. George is such a happy-go-lucky, fun-loving sort of character, and then he's sort of catatonic throughout, but that one paragraph stuck out as very rageful and violent. I'm not saying it isn't realistic under the circumstances, but maybe a bit of a softer transition would help, like more explanation as to why? But I'm really reaching to find something to critique, here. Honestly, I think the whole chapter is superb and if you didn't change a thing I'd still believe that.
Sorry I don't have more to offer.
cypressAuthor's Response: Hello there, cypress! First, my goodness...FREEBIE reviews :D I only requested one chapter and you gave me THREE reviews? *sobs* You're too lovely! I must have done something extremely good in my past life!
Oh, I didn't mean to make anyone cry :( But then again I did want people to feel for George. Really get a glimpse of the shock and trauma and things like that...I just keep reading and re-reading your reviews. Goodness, you've given me so much praise, and such SERIOUS PRAISE as well. Gah, I'm speechless. And beyond honoured that you like the writing.
As for that bit where "George wants to rip his mother awa from Fred's body", yeah, I kind of see what you mean by that. It's very striking, possibly quite unconvincing and uncharacteristic of George. It is a little over-the-top, I guess. I'll see how I can modify that part! Thanks for that!
And thanks again for your review! Oh your tears have induced tears in me! Although I must admit my tears are of a happy sort...xD
-teh Report Review
Hi there! Thank you for making my heart turn into a little pile of broken feels ;(.
I'm going to try and explain well what I'm talking about during this because I doubt I'll be able to go in chronological order.
The funeral. It makes so much sense but is so terrible... no one but him knows he's 'fred'... he's turned himself into himself basically but he hasn't and it's so terrible but he's so broken and so messed up that he doesn't see it. Or he does and just doesn't let himself feel it. It's a terrible, terrible joke but inside his head it's perfect and I think you made such an amazing decision by using that, and am very impressed with the creativity of it all. Even if it's heart crushing.
Molly cleaning, fixing, handling... just like she does best. I think her sense of stability was very necessary for the erratic emotions of George through this.
George lost so much of himself, just destroyed and taken away forever, and I think the style you wrote it in, with the fragments and the parts that feel like they go fast then slow then fast... it all just worked in an amazing way to bring George's feelings so up close and painful intimate that they were some of the most painful I've ever read.
This was such a wonderful short story, incredibly painful, but gorgeously written.Author's Response: Hi again Jami :D
Congrats, you've sat through every chapter of this story so far; that's quite an achievement xD
No, really, thank you so so so much for your wonderful comments on my story so far. Your reviews are just too lovely!
I'm so glad that I've managed to make you feel for George; I'm glad that the fragments and the style didn't put you off - and that you actually thought they worked!
This isn't actually a short story bahaha; I've got to change that part. I think it's more of a novella - have sketched a few chapters in my mind - and will get down to writing them soon! ...once I take care of all the other oneshot plunnies assaulting me...
So thank you so much once again! Always love your reviews :D
-teh Report Review
Ugh, the feels.
I loved this. Not just because it's Fred (well, maybe a lot because it's Fred XD) but because of the way you wrote it. So heartbreaking, so painfully real. It's not often we write from the perspective of the already-dead, and you did a brilliant job of it - mingling his own pain with Fred's constant sense of humor and giving it a dry, bitter edge that both made me laugh and saddened me at the same time.
The final couple of lines of your story are brilliant. Really strong and powerful - the end and the beginning are the two parts that really make a story, in my opinion, and those two were the most touching parts of this chapter for me, so really well done there.
Loved it. I do hope you continue.
xx MollyAuthor's Response: Hello again Molly :D
Thank you so so much for your lovely review! And for reading TWO chapters as well! Writing a dead person's voice has always fascinated me somewhat and I just had to give it a shot; I'm so so glad that you thought it was good. This hasn't been the easiest of stories to write for me (bahaha if you know me...I keep whinging about how difficult writing is!).
I definitely will continue this story! I have a few more chapters roughly sketched out. I need to get down to writing soon :) And I do hope you'll come back to read more, too!
-teh Report Review
Ho, ho, ho! This is your Holiday Review Swap review.
I'm really, really glad I got a chance to read this. I thought you did a fantastic job of capturing the devastation that George must have felt after losing his twin brother and you put it into words with uncommon finesse. Even the story title was a really good choice. People who have just suffered a terrible loss have a tendency to focus on certain small details. It's a defense mechanism, I think. Something that the mind can occupy itself with rather than being overwhelmed by the enormity of what's happened. The recurring appearance of dust and smoke in the story was perfectly consistent with the surreal quality that events must have taken on to George after finding out that Fred had been killed.
The description of Fred's death was, I think, mostly consistent with canon. I'm not aware of Rookwood using the killing curse on him, but I suppose there's no way we can be sure that it didn't happen. Regardless, the scene was beautifully done in a horrible sort of way. You gave the events an almost liquid quality, which was a good way to reinforce the slow-motion perception of events that George seems to have.
Something about the idea of George needing to push his mother and the rest of his family away from Fred's body, his need to have his brother all to himself, really hit a nerve. I'm not quite sure what it was about it, but it was a powerful image.
From that point on, George seems very disconnected from the events that follow. It's something of a miracle that he survived the final battle, to be honest. I thought the idea of him "assuming" Fred's body was really clever. It seemed very real to George, even though it's just something that the two of them have done for as long as they could probably remember. Pretending to be somebody else, but because you're identical to them, it's real. The whole scene was heart-breaking.
Seeing Bill, Charlie and Percy try -- and fail -- to separate George from Fred's body after the battle ended just continued to ratchet up the difficult feelings for me. He's obviously so devastated. He knows he needs to let go, to start to accept his brother's death, but he can't. I thought you made an interesting choice to have Ginny be the one who finally -- slowly -- figures out how to start to get him to let go. It's her tears, her sadness, that seem to make him realize that he's not suffering alone.
You manage to get one more good yank at the old heart strings on the way out. For George Weasley to hear laughter and find the sound unfamiliar was perhaps the most awful commentary on his state of mind that you possibly could have concocted.
I thought your writing was brilliant in this. Everything flowed beautifully. It was compact and rather spartan, which meshed really well with the subject matter. I didn't see any typos or grammatical problems to interrupt me.
Great job!Author's Response: Aaahh I keep reading and re-reading this wonderful detailed review of yours! And find myself grinning moronically each time.
But first I have to apologise for taking such an awfully long time to respond. Gah, procrastination and all that.
You've pretty much got everything about this chapter. I was trying to portray the sense of shock and grief and isolation that George felt upon witnessing the death of Fred. And I was trying not to be too melodramatic, and hopefully I was at least marginally successful with this :)
I'm glad you noticed the details of certain things, and yet the overall sparseness of description of the rest of the battle. I wouldn't think George would be able to focus on the whole scene once That Thing happened xD. Giving a complete and full account of the battle would have strayed much too far from George's POV.
It doesn't actually mention that the killing curse was used in the books. You're right about that. And it was only implied that Rookwood was involved, rather than confirmed. So I took a bit of liberty with canon :D Also, I like the idea of Fred getting Avada Kedavra-ed...wait that's not what I mean...What I mean is, in the next chapter, I needed to have Fred have a very distinct experience of death (next chapter is in Fred's POV) which would probably have not been possible if a simple loose rock had come along and knocked his head in.
So anyway I'm so glad you liked this! Thank you so so much for this review, for the detail of it it! I'm still rather blown away :DD It was great doing the swap with you!
-teh Report Review
Okay, ack, this was really really interesting and tragic and heartbreaking all at the same time.
I think this was my favourite line "At first I couldn't place whose voice it was, only knew it wasn't Fred's" . I think there was just something so poignant about the fact that it didn't really matter whose voice it was, purely because it wasn't Fred. The death of Fred is one of the most tragic aspects of the whole book - because they were twins and that's one of the closest bonds you can have with a person. They shared the say womb, for goodness sake. And I won't ever forgive JK for doing such a thing to my poor heart.
But this was a really really interesting start. And I can imagine George, in the moments afterwards, letting himself being mistaken for Fred for a few moments so he didn't have to deal with it.
The imagery about the dust was really lovely too as was the idea of the rain and what not. Loved it :)
Ack, this was heartbreaking and lovely. Also, sorry this swap took such a long time! I got really busy all of a sudden, but thank you very very much for a lovely review! :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Oh thank you so much for this lovely review!
Yeah, Fred's death just...killed me a little as well. I know JKR broke all our hearts with that one fell swoop...but then there are lots of annoying writers like me who keep killing Fred over and over again in their fics :P
I'm glad you enjoyed this piece; it means a lot to me! Thanks again :)
-teh Report Review
Hi! Holiday Review Swap!
You need to write more! xD I'm really loving this.
It makes me so sad how devastated George is, he's just unravelling. I hope his family manage to actually try and support him rather than dismiss him. Poor Georgie :(
I wonder what's going on in the outside world while this is all happening. Obviously the world is saved, but George's world is destroyed.
I liked Ron's speech, he seemed very in character, as did Mrs Weasley and Percy :)
As always, wonderful job! Please update!Author's Response: Everyone in the Weasley family is unravelling a little from Fred's death, and perhaps they're grieving in their own private ways :) George is more closed off than the others; he's really isolated in his grief - at least that's what I've been trying to write in this scene.
I do have a shift in POV in a later chapter (chapter 5) where the state of the outside world will be revealed in a little more detail...and I really hope this shift won't be too sudden or disruptive...I'm getting really nervous about writing it :( But right now you won't see much of the external world because Fred is not in it and George is just so...isolated. Poor twins :P
And I'm so glad you think the characterisations are OK :) They can be tricky to get right sometimes!
Thanks for your lovely review!
PS: I'm going to have to check out your story soon! Report Review
Hi! Holiday Review Swap!
I'm continuing this because I want to xD
Ooh, a change of perspective. I think Fred is very angry about dying. I mean, anyone would be in those circumstances. I think he's the most angry about leaving George behind though, sad that they won't have any more experiences together.
I liked the memory you showed us, they're like two halves of the same person. I like how you always put "we," like "we will die together," like there was no question about it. Now they're seperate for the first time.
I want to know more about where Fred is, is he anywhere? Can he look down now upon his family? I expect these questions will be answered ;)
And I'm looking forward to getting back into George's perspective aswell :) Great job, again!Author's Response: Hello there! Gah, sorry for taking an age to respond to this :( I'm glad you liked this story enough to continue with a second swap :D
I'm a little unhappy with this chapter; I think it needs some serious rewriting/editing.
Yeah, Fred isn't the happiest with dying :P As for the question "is Fred anywhere?", well he is...and right now he is separated from George and neither can see each other :) Don't want to make things too easy for either of them!
Thanks for the lovely review! Report Review
Hey there - here to return your review! Sorry about the long wait - things were absolutely hectic at uni the last few days and now it's holidays so I've finally got some time to myself for reviewing.
First off, for your first (on this site at least...) story, this is incredible. I love how you've used the whole idea of George and Fred looking identical to each other and made George kinda feel like Fred, like he could be Fred - like he could be both of them somehow. Almost like the idea of living for someone, you know, but so much literal than that. It's kinda heartbreaking.
Also, I loved the way you used all those stories that go around about twins being able to sense things to do with each other, like pain and injuries and things. It was a little odd - I didn't really understand whether or not George knew Fred was dead before he was told by Percy or if he was just imagining it after the battle was all over or what, but it didn't really matter because it's a pretty minor thing in terms of the whole story and it worked so well - the imagery was wonderful.
I do have to question, though, why Lee was so convinced George was Fred. Given that, as George mentioned, George only has one ear and Fred has two, not to mention that even though they're identical there will be differences between them in appearance that Lee, being their best mate, would know, it seems a little odd for him to make such a mistake for such a while, even when considering that it's during a battle. I know it's part of the sense of it, but maybe add in some description, maybe an injury or something, which would explain that? Otherwise, it's just a little weird...
Percy and Ginny and Bill... I love how you included the other Weasleys, and how carefully you seemed to have chosen them. It didn't seem just like you picked them at random or whatever bit, more like you chose them deliberately because of their characters and all the rest of it and it really developed their characters so well (particularly Bill - I got the feeling he was trying to be brave and strong because he's the oldest and it's his job to look after the others and he wants to help George but doesn't really know how) Gah, they were just all so perfectly characterised. Honestly.
So, yeah, I really, really love this - the last lines are just fabulous as well and so haunting when you think that they're coming from such a mischievous character as George.
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Hello there Aph!
Aww, thanks so much for your lovely review :D And apologies for taking five hundred years to respond to it :(
George was pretty much in a state of denial in the earlier part of the chapter :) I guess it can get quite hazy and confusing; maybe I should straighten parts of it out a little. I just wanted to reflect the chaotic state of George's thoughts :) And for the Lee Jordan bit, I sort of assumed that it would be dark and confusing in Hogwarts during the battle, and I thought there might be a possibility that even someone close to the twins might mistake them in all the chaos...might be difficult to see the missing year? I dunno, maybe :P
Thanks for pointing that out, though! I will definitely go through the chapter again :D
Thanks for your review again! Really made my day :D
OH YOU AWFUL PERSON. I started this chapter and then I realised exactly what you were doing! How could you! This is worse than I imagined! I can't even so much with this that I've not bothered with any italics at all this is what you've stripped away from me! My ITALICS!!!
Oh god no. Fred. :(
This was beautifully done. Of course JKR didn't put in any swearing in the books (even though she really did want to, for Ron in particular) but all of them seemed relevant, because really it would be unrealistic to expect otherwise. When I read the first bits of speech it seemed almost alien until it sunk in properly and everything seemed to flow so much better.
Just...everything with Fred and George was absolutely perfect. The fast run-on speech, the need to make life go that little bit faster, that little bit more humorous. Everything to go as planned, because that's what they were in the end: they were our rock. They were there and stable and rigid in them being 'the twins'. They had it all, they worked their angle as the jokesters and they kept it up because what else did they know? They were young and looking out for the lighter side in life, no matter the danger of it.
And then the story ends when the plan crumbles apart and the bludgers catch up on you, when the light hits you in just the right way. Everything catches up and the dark side of life finally grabs you from everything you know - when it takes the person who was the other part to your rock. No longer a package, no longer an 'and', no longer a pair. Almost as if you're nothing.
jasfagfsauifasdsij this was just as good as the last chapter - I'm just a lot more sober to write a proper review now, ahaha.
fantastico ♥Author's Response: YES YOU REALLY ARE AN ANGST JUNKIE :D
the first chapter spoiled your mood for the day...and you /still/ came back to read more? I'm so flattered and amused and aaah...thanks so much!
Yeah, I guess it was a bit mean of me to put Fred's death from the perspectives of both twins back to back...I should probably take this chapter out and move it further along the story...where it can ruin the readers' moods over there :DD
But ah, I'm so happy you like my portrayal of the twins! They're not the easiest of characters to tie down in writing. As for the swearing...well, yeah I don't want to go overboard with that (do feel free to point out whenever the swearing gets a bit ridiculous).
And oh, the latter part of your review was so poetic! That was beautiful. And sad.
OK, well, thanks so much once again for coming back to read further! Aahh I'm flattered :D And hope to see you around soon :D
Hey there! It's Whiskey, back through Holiday Rewview Swap :D
I've been meaning to get back and read that third chapter for a while now, and finally I made it :D
This was a very intense chapter, as I am sure you know. In the author's note you said how you deleted bits and went over it many may times...which is noticable. It's very condenced, every word carries very much emotional weight. I might even dare say... too much. Although everything that happenes in this chapter (and I mean everything!) was perfectly placed and I could see why chose to have ever episode happen the way it did, I still wish the chapter was shorter. At some point I was just exhausted from all the pressure and seriousness. If you had broken up the chapter and started a new one at, say, the ceremony, it would have given the reader a chance to breath before continuing, put things in perspective. The way it is now is a flood of emotional triggers that desensitize the reader with their sheer quantity. At least I had that impression...I think others might disagree, but I'm a less is more kind of person :P
But now to the avalanche of compliments I got in store for you:
I loved every single episode in this chapter. Molly cleaning up was a good, familiar and symbolical start.
And then this happened:"But it doesn’t make a difference. I don’t stop seeing Fred. It's hard because I've got his face and he has my stare and our eyes are going all over the place tracking the hint of each other. We try to avoid glass a lot. It's where he skims along like a glance, like a glint - pure light and no human shape but I know it's him, it's us." This was a wonderful bit of writing. Period.
And then, George getting high as a space ship and going for the Polyjuice potion, that was simply brilliant. You have convinced me that this is the only way George would act in this situation. The scene just brought George to life. Not the pg13 George of the books, but the real-life one, you know? The kind of guy that, magic fantay world with wands and goblins or not, could be real.
It just made so much sense: the Sentimentality Serum (?? something like that) reminded us of his past with Fred, amplified the twins' known tendency towards escapism into their own careless world of magic AND gave the reader a chance to feel the surreal and oddly fleshy nature of death.
I was also quite fond of the scene with Percy at the funeral and the last bit with the gravestone. Although, now that I mentioned it, the end was a tad melodramatic. It fit Fred and George well, tore their habit of picking on one another out of context in a very poignant way, but...as a follow-up to George crashing Fred's funeral and needing to be detoxed by half the family...It didn't quite work as a follow-up. I imagined something calmer or more numb would come afterwards, something with a different emotional callibre. Maybe you could keep the scene for a later part of the story? I think it could work well as a way of showing him come to terms with Fred's death...
Actually, I wasn't going to go into that...What I WANTED to say was I really liked the scene with Harry. I liked how Harry was so drawn into his own grief that he didn't even try to give George special treatment. He seemed to just be working on auto-pilot. It was a great scene that set the mood more than anything else. It's more scenes like this that I think could freshen up the chapter and break up the push of George's distress in order to give his suffering more poignancy.
In my last reviewes I made sure to point out some sentences that just didn't sound Fred and George-y, because he IS the narrator, and a kind of difficult and unusual one at that. So here we go:
First off: "clogging up space and obstructing her" struck me as odd because I just can't picture George useing the word "obstructing", nor does it fit with the concrete, detail-heavy descriptions in the rest of the chapter.
"I walked until my feet broke through the ground..." was just a strange description, and if it's intended to be metaphorical, a bit sentimental for George...
"Mum cleaned it out when we left and all the sharp lines and edges of the room are visible. The furniture in their conspicuousness look like stiff bones of themselves." This is kind of cliche and I think the idea of the room looking lifeless and naked can be conveyed easily with some other imagery, I'm sure you'll think of something ^^ Maybe go back to an image you used earlier for a more tied-together feeling.
"Every eye on me – they sparkle like wet stones, their hard scrutinising angles turning over every inch of my skin." It follows the pattern of George-ness that worked well so far: observations of something physical and whimsical in a way that puts it out of context. But this just doesn't work...seems more like something girl would say, maybe? Too vulnerable and not harsh enough. So far, his comments about people and things have been very merciless in their notice of the ugly/silly side of things. That seems to be missing here.
There were a few more things, but I really can't remember...
Well, I hope this was helpful and not too all over the place and confused ^^
Cheers!Author's Response: Ah another amazingly helpful review from you! I really appreciated all those comments from your past reviews on the accuracy of my portrayal of the twins! And I'm blown away that you've written another such detailed review for me! Thank you so so much! And apologies for taking ten million years to respond to this.
I found this a rather difficult chapter to write and I'm so glad you thought that George's actions were convincing :D The idea of a kite-high George sounded very silly when it first occurred to me...but I wanted to try it anyway. So I did my best to be silly but convincing and I'm SO happy you found this to the scene to be believable!
Yes, I can most certainly reshuffle scenes and chapters when more of the story is written. That would make the flow and transitions between parts smoother.
And thanks so much for all your detailed commentary on my language / diction, based on what George would or wouldn't say! I really need help in that area and on the canon accuracy of my characterisation!
As for that bit about "obstructing" and "clogging up space" being un-George-like, well...that was actually a fragment of Molly's voice and those are Molly's words...which somehow got embedded in George's narration :D Bahaha I meant to have her words echoing about in his head and all but I guess it's rather inconsistent since I haven't really done this elsewhere. Thanks for pointing that out :)
OK, thanks so much once again for the lovely review! Glad you liked this chapter :D And thanks for choosing to do the swap with me :D Happy holidays
-teh Report Review
Ugh, I am so depressed now after reading this. It was that middle section with Lee especially -- so heartbreaking. The way that he thinks he could be Fred, but not only that, his inner monologue was translated really well, with the right amount of desperation and urgency, and it shows how strongly they identify together. We have the same body, the same laugh. We’re as good as the same, interchangeable. So I shut my eyes for a second, and when I opened them again, they weren’t mine anymore. They were Fred’s. I lugged myself up with Fred’s arms and back and shoulders. And the way Lee finds out D:
Oh, and this line from the beginning, too! I might have clapped my palm over his mouth – I might have forced that last breath back in. George's thoughts are written wonderfully in these parts. I can still feel how his body is overtaken by shock. It's not quite overwhelming grief yet, like it is at the end, which is another tearjerker entirely with Ginny helping him hold Fred :c
I think there are some words that jarred me out of the moment slightly, because they didn't mesh with the context as well, mostly with the shorter phrases: My legs got up by themselves and walked me out. Hogwarts was all torn up for example is a bit awkward with the phrasing, and some description is overly brief, as I didn't get the best image of the castle and fighting, though the people and the slower moments were very vivid in my head.
But I really think you hit the emotional pull on the dot, I was ready to get all teary and everything by the end. George! ;_;Author's Response: Aww, thanks for your lovely review :D Hopefully I didn't ruin your mood for the day or anything...
I'm so glad you think George's thoughts are well-written! I've been trying to convey his sense of shock and slight loss of touch with reality and hopefully I've been convincing enough without being too melodramatic :) I will definitely go through the chapter again and examine those parts with awkward sentences; I can get quite obsessive with sentence structures as well as diction :D So thank you so much for pointing those out to me.
As for the areas of overly brief description...I've had several reviewers give me their opinions on the sparseness of description at certain parts of the story. I actually did cut out a fair amount of description (of setting and other action) in my editing, because I wanted to be really tight about my use of language. Also, I do have to be true to George's viewpoint, especially since I'm using first person POV, which can be really limiting. There are things which he focuses on in greater detail (e.g. Fred's body) and I would think that in his state of shock, other less important (to him) details (e.g. other people fighting) would be a blur, or perhaps even be unnoticed. Well, hopefully I've been convincing enough :D First person does have its limitations!
Anyway, thanks so much once again for your review and all your valuable feedback! Happy hols :D
Hey! Perelandra here with your review!
First off, thank you for reviewing my story! It made me happy to take up to see it! Second, so sorry it has taken a while to answer...life, you know...but I'm here!!
To be honest, I wasn't sure I wanted to read this. Don't get me wrong! I wasn't sure I wanted to read it because all Fred and George fics, where George mourns for Fred...they just kill me! They're always so sad and half the time they make me cry! So I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry! Hahaha!
Anyway, on with the review...I have my tissues ready, just in case! And just so you know, I read and review as I go along.
The first part, where George refuses to tell people what had happened...that was heartbreaking. You actually managed to bring that scene to my mind and, thanks to your narrative, it flipped to George's POV and saw everything in slow motion. And once again, I got mad at JKR for killing Fred. :(
George just wanting Fred to himself was just...idk...sad! I can't imagine what it is to lose your other half... so George's feelings and actions feel so realistic that I too wanted everyone else to leave George alone with Fred so he could mourn in peace.
The end though...wow! Him just refusing to let go of his best friend, of the pain he felt...I got teary eyed! Such a powerful chapter. Your choice of words was what made this first chapter very strong. The narrative was great and the lack (and I'm using that word very loosely) of detail made it more powerful. In a way, this chapter felt, to me, the same as George must have felt. He didn't care about anything else. Nothing mattered to him at this point.
You actually made me cry! Haha, this is why I didn't want to read it! However, I always give kudos to authors who make me cry since I believe it it takes very specific wording and detail to do so. So kudos to you on this.
Hopefully I can come back and read what's next!
Until next time
--RosieAuthor's Response: Hello Rosie! Thanks so much for your lovely review :D
Oh, I hope I didn't cause too many tears! Fred's death was one of the saddest most shocking moments in the series for me, and that's what I've been trying to convey in this chapter - shock and grief. And I'm glad you thought my word choice was effective in getting the feel of the story right :D Word choice / diction is something I can get quite obsessive about. As for the lack of detail, I do sometimes tend to be a bit more descriptive, but I'm trying my best to be true to my character's POV i.e. George. Also, I'm using first person POV, which can be quite limiting actually :D And there are definitely things that hold George's focus and other things which he might gloss over...and I'm trying to convey all this. Well, hopefully I'll succeed in the long run!
So thanks very much once again for your wonderful review! I'm sorry for all the tears :( But happy holidays anyway!
-teh Report Review
oh dear god why
why. why did you do this to me teh. i was happy. i was in an almost good mood. oh god george.
i just... i can't with this. oh my life. no. sfhdaadifudshfds
okay I've recovered now - it definitely took a while but anything that's to do with Fred and George is just my absolute weak spot. I can't not read something with Fred and George angst and yet it utterly ruins me continuously - I'm such a angst junkie. (':
Honestly, this was just beautiful. Your writing was fantastically simple and just dripped intense emotion that was almost too much to bare. And that phrase!
Forge George Dead Fred.
It's just so relevant and heartbreaking and makes me want to curl into a ball with George and hug the life out of him.
This is just...perfect. Ugh, why. OK I officially can't handle this again - I'm so sorry I can't write this coherently, because you wrote my review so amazingly and just it's all the intense feels you know?
I'm so sorry, but this is so, so good and I'm coming back to the read the next two chapters because, really, I can't let this brilliance pass me by.
♥Author's Response: Oh, I didn't mean to hurt anyone! Here, have more! *hands more tissues over
I feel a little bad saying this...but your review made me grin like an idiot. Not that I enjoy making readers sad or anything but ah...I didn't know the writing in this chapter could bring about so much emotion! But then again, the fault goes back all the way to JKR! 'Twas her that killed off Fred. Though of course, since then there's been a whole lot of annoying writers like myself who just keep killing him over and over again in our stories...:P
But anyway, thanks so much for your review! I'm quite flattered actually! I do have quite a few chapters planned out but I'm such a terribly slow writer and real life always gets me and all. But I do hope you continue reading and thanks once again! Happy hols :D
-teh Report Review
What a very powerful piece of writing you have here.
I think my favorite part of this whole story is your word choice and the way you've described things. Pardon me for this review being all over the place because I kind of am at a loss for words.
My favorite line was the one about how Fred's voice is lost, how it was congealing, etc. Because the thing about it is, a lot of description or imagery is beautiful but abstract, lots of similes and metaphors. But that line is so beautifully written and hauntingly true. Just another brutal way to remind George that Fred is dead.
Another thing that I really like here is the way George has almost claimed ownership over Fred's body, and he should be the only person to touch him or be close to him, because he was his twin, his other half. I thought that was very well done.
And then, the whole thing with Lee Jordan and mistaking him for Fred, and George feeling as though he could just live as Fred. That was a very powerful scene and really evoked quite a bit of emotion. Especially the way he discusses walking in Fred's legs and carrying on as him.
More than anything though it just seems like this whole chapter is hazy, or dusty, so it's aptly named. It is as though George has no connection to reality or the gravity of the situation, so consumed over the loss of his twin. I really enjoyed this look into his mind immediately following the aftermath of his death and look froward to reading on in your story :)Author's Response: Hello there!
Aww thanks so much for your lovely comments! I'm glad you like parts of the description, because I can get pretty obsessive over word choice / diction, to make sure the prose doesn't get too clunky or the imagery too overwhelming.
The twins are my favourite characters along with Lee, but they are rather difficult to pin down, whether in their pranking moods or in heavier, darker situations like this. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter and found it emotive and realistic; I have been trying to convey George's sense of shock, along with a slight loss of touch with reality. And I hope that's been successful :)
Thank you so very much once again for your wonderful review, and I certainly do hope you keep reading :D Happy hols!
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Hi! Holiday Review Swap!
This is really astounding, actually. Fred and George revolve heavily around my story, and so does grief, and I'm beginning to think about how I'm going to write Fred dying. He's so integral, the nucleus of any group he's in. I don't think George would ever be the same.
Your descriptions are perfect. When someone you love so desperately leaves you behind on Earth you do go a bit delirious, a bit crazy, kind of reduced to nothingness, and I think you described all of that brilliantly, I could feel every lick of pain that George did. I also like how you showed how nobody else really understood his pain, nobody elses grief could compare. It's so realistic.
I really like the moment with Ginny at the end, it makes tons of sense that she would be the one to try and bring George back to himself instead of any other member of the family. The relationship between Ginny and the twins is kind of unexplored so I'm hoping that's continued in this :)
Wonderful job! I really want to continue this :)Author's Response: Hello there! Thanks for your fantastic review :D
I love Fred and George too...they're my favourite characters along with Lee Jordan. But I do find them quite difficult to write! I'm so glad you liked this chapter - I've tried to convey George's sense of shock and grief here and I'm quite relieved that you find it realistic! And yes, I'd like to explore Ginny's relationship with the twins a little more; I think she's the sibling who might've been closest to them. And probably the most similar to them!
Well, thanks so much again for reading! I'm very happy you chose to do the swap with me! Happy Holidays :D
-teh Report Review
Hello! Just to let you know, I probably would have chosen this story even if you had had another one posted because I liked the one's summary a lot, especially the part in italics.
And the beginning of your story definitely lived up to your summary. Wow- just wow. I think that you did an absolutely fabulous job of writing George's feelings immediately after Fred died. The detached manner, the hazy and distant feelings... It worked perfectly to bring his grief alive.
The first section was heart-breaking. It was very interesting to see George deny seeing Fred die in a way that made it seem as though he had been standing right beside him the moment it happened. Its last line was very powerful too, because it speaks of impossibilities and regrets and what-ifs.
I had just one small critique about that section. With "slow-mo", I think that it would fit the flow of the story better if you wrote it out in full as "slow-motion". But that's just personal opinion, of course. :)
The second section was very interesting because I'd never before considered that George might imitate/try to become Fred. The comments in the brackets about his body features being Fred's were a wonderful touch but this- this was heartbreaking all over again because it was such a desparate attempt to convince himself that Fred was not dead. It also showed that Fred being alive was more important than him being alive- a sentiment that I'm sure that Fred shared. It shows just how deep their bond ran- and still runs.
As I mentioned before, I think that you did a fantastic job with your writing style in this chapter. It worked extremely well in the last section, because of course George would not care as much about the war after Fred's death. Of course he would be too detached from the world due to his shock and grief that he wouldn't pay much attention to the fight that determined the war. Of course, of course, of course... It all worked together wonderfully.
All in all, I think that you've done a beautiful job with your first chapter and I'm very eager to return for the second chapter. Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Hello Roots! Thanks so much for your review and all your lovely comments! Sorry it's taken me quite a few days to respond. I'm really glad you enjoyed reading my story...I think I did struggle a bit to write the Weasley twins. They're not the easiest characters! Hopefully I'll be able to go deeper into their heads and explore their characters a little bit more with future chapters. Sigh. Fred's death was not only one of the saddest moments in the series for me...but it was also pretty shocking. It just...happened out of nowhere. I have tried to convey this sense of shock in this chapter through George's POV. I'm glad you think I'm convincing :D
And yes, the "slow-mo" bit might have been a bit too colloquial, I suppose. I'll probably change it to see how it sounds!
Thanks so much once again for you fabulous review! And thanks for choosing to do the swap with me :) Happy holidays!
-teh Report Review
Wow. I can't imagine what it must have been like to have to live through having your twin killed at such a young age, but I thought you captured the bouncing of ideas and grief-filled denial that must have been running through George's head well.
The story starts off so eerily determined, but slowly progressed to being a tortured mess of emotions and confusion as more of the details of the night are revealed. His thoughts and words really sank in as his story got more and more complicated, which hurt to read, but was really powerful.
I was really intrigued by the summary of the story, so I'm interested to see how that plays into this. I think you've edited it really well; I can't see anything I can give cc on, so congratulations!
One of my favorite parts was the rhythm of the sentences. They were just the right mixture of lengths that when I read it in my head, it felt more like poetry than just a story and absolutely came alive. I have the tendency to read things in patterns, but this had a really strong flow to it that I loved and could read over and over again.
AnnieAuthor's Response: Hello there, Annie! Wow, thank you for all those wonderful comments! And yay, I'm glad you think that I've edited this well! I can get quite obsessive with my editing, though sometimes I wonder if it's better to let things be! But if this reads well, then I'm doing something right :) And I'm glad you like the sentence structures - I do go to certain lengths to make sure they vary a little, and aren't all uniform and flat-sounding. Also, it's been quite tricky writing in first person!
So thank you so much once again for your lovely words, and thank you for choosing to do this review swap thing with me! Happy holidays!
-teh Report Review
I don't think fragmented sentences are such a crime. Sure, it's not good when one overuses them (like I sometimes do, unfortunately), but they have a certain purpose in a narration and there are places they fit into. I know I'm not a grammar or flow master, but I didn't have such a problem reading this and following. I kind of got wrapped by the writing in a nice, though heartbreaking way.
You really plunge deeper and deeper into George's grief. The funeral section where he took on Fred's appearance was very unsettling and disturbing, but I understand. There's not many people who can quite imagine the huge aching pain that he must have inside him, and it's still so numbing and fresh. I can see how he struggles, not in the usual way but in a completely frenzy and crazy way.
This story's starting to be very eerie, in a good way so far. I can sort of feel Fred's lingering presence everywhere, just as George describes it. It's painful, that's what it is, and you're invoking these emotions within me very well you evil writer! (I meant that in a very positive way, you're amazing -huggles-)
You give George an amazingly raw touch, to his character and grief. Thank God I've never yet experienced losing someone that close to me, but I can imagine this is what it really feels like. Being in George's crumbling mind just kills me, I miss Fred so much! This is just so wrong, WHY JKR WHY?
Anyway, I think this chapter was great. Terribly sad, but for some reason I'm a sucker for sad things. And your writing is haunting and beautiful in places.
Great job. :)
LizAuthor's Response: Hello Liz, thanks for your lovely review! I'm glad you got through this chapter! I wasn't sure if many people would like it too much, because there's hardly any action, and just, well...a bunch of other ridiculous stuff :D And if you're feeling so very sad, then yes, you should blame JKR! She's the one who killed off Fred! Although after she did that there has been a whole bunch of evil writers like me who keep writing about it and making others sad...bahaha!
Anyways...thanks once again for your review, and thanks for choosing to do the swap with me! Wheee! Happy hols to you!
-teh Report Review
Alright, well here's my review for the review tag thing. I think this is my first time reviewing anything on this site. I decided to review this chapter because it looked like it needed love :P (I read the others too, don't worry)
It must be terrible to be close twins like Fred and George. Pretty much everything you do is going to be a constant reminder. You made that really clear.
I wasn't sure whether or not to laugh at the way George was acting during the funeral because of the Grimbly. In a way, I suppose I was embarrassed and felt sorry for him at the same time; it was just sad . I actually cringed throughout the whole scene after he got up and said, "Actually there is no need for this." You made me feel for the character and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.
That's pretty much all I have to say. Overall I enjoyed it.Author's Response: Hello there! Thank you so much for your review, and wow! Thanks for taking the time to read all THREE chapters! I hope it wasn't too laboured a read for you. Your comments really made my day and I am so happy that you actually cringed! OK, this sounds a little wrong, but I wanted to make the reader uncomfortable with this scene, and I am not the type of writer who insulates my characters, or protects them too much. I'm glad you empathized enough with George to feel this discomfort! And this scene is meant to be sort of ridiculous (grimbly ha!) at the same time, there's all that grief. So I'm very glad to hear all your reactions. It means I did something right, woo!
Thanks so very much once again for reviewing! I know you put a request in my thread; I'll get down to your story within the next few days!
-teh Report Review
Hello, I'm here from Review Tag!
This is such a fascinating exploration into George's attempt to cope with Fred's death, and I like how he's not even coping in this first chapter. In his desperation, he sheds his own skin to put on Fred's instead, almost as if he values Fred's life more than his own and thinks everyone else will as well. I love the style here, how you used the parenthetical thoughts and eerie observations (like Fred laughing at the use of 'dead weight') to move the plot along. I love the ending, too, because it's so haunting. It sets up the notion that George will not be able to properly process Fred's death anytime soon.
I don't know what you cut out or added in, but I really like this as is. It seems very simple and the flow is great. It really makes me want to read on.
Nice work! :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Hello there! Thank you so much for your lovely comments :) I'm glad you found the story fascinating and not too cliched or melodramatic or anything like that! I am being a little liberal with my style here; one of the reasons for the parentheses is to have a kind of a fractured narrative to reflect on George's state of shock and grief etc. I did trim off some excess descriptions here and there, yes; I can get quite meticulous with my editing :D
Alright, thanks so much once again for reading and reviewing this! It really does mean a lot.
-teh Report Review
Hi, Voldy Needs a Hug here with your requested review. Sorry it took me so long to get around to reviewing! Anyway, here it is.
This chapter was amazing - I don't think there are any other words to describe it, to be honest. I really enjoyed the originality of the fanfiction. I haven't read anything quite like this before, and I rather enjoyed it.
I loved how you selected to write from George's point of view, especially his emotions immediately after Fred's death. His thoughts and emotions seemed spot on throughout the entire chapter. It would be nice to see some of George's thoughts toward the end of the chapter when he's clinging to his twin's lifeless body.
I thought it was interesting that you inserted his thoughts into parenthesis (I assume). I typically see them in italics, but that is just author preference.
Excellent job!Author's Response: Aww..thank you so much for your wonderful review, Voldy! :D Your words mean a lot to me, and I'm glad you think my depiction of George's POV is convincing :) And original? Wow, this is some seriously amazing praise! The parentheses weren't so much deliberate thoughts but...well, moments of umm...consciousness (for lack of a better word). Or echoes, or asides, or strange, rather irrelevant observations.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review this! It really does mean a lot to me :D and I'm so glad you liked it!
Hi! I'm here with the review you requested... I hope my suggestions are helpful!!
First of all, the beginning is great. All of the emotions in George's mind are jumbled and confused because he has just lost his twin, and you made his sorrow quite clear. There is, however, a bit of a run-on in the first full paragraph: "When he took a half-step back... Dark space between his fingers." The emotions are good, but I think you could probably break this sentence up a bit. The way I see it, the death of Fred happened so quickly that it needs to be described in terse, choppy bits.
Also, just a style thing: I'm of the mindset that thoughts should be italicized, and if I'm not mistaken, the words you have in parentheses are some of George's sub-thoughts. (He was thinking about something, and then his brain interjected, probably from his subconscious.) Well, that's what I like to call them. The sub-thoughts you have are effective; they're powerful and short, but they would become even more effective if they were italicized. That's just my opinion, though, so don't take it personally if you don't like the idea. :)
I also think that you could have used more "sub-thoughts," especially towards the end. Have you ever read some of Stephen King's novels? He uses those sub-thoughts to really display the character's deepest fears and torments, and I think what you've got here is the perfect sort of opportunity to dig into George's mind.
"I would have forced that last breath back in."--BRILLIANT. This captures perfectly his desperation and longing for his brother. I love it!
There are a few run-ons that could use some trimming. I understand that his thoughts weren't completely coherent when he hit his head, but you could probably cut out a few of the less important words in the sentence "Someone's spell...pinholing my eyeballs."
When George became Fred... Whoa. That whole section was really solid. Change NOTHING!! Because it was perfectly timed and brilliantly executed.
When he held his brother at the end, before Charlie, Bill, and Mr. Weasley tried to pull him away... The imagery there is really nice. I can smell the blood and sweat, and those smells help me visualize the melancholy scene. If you could appeal to the senses (other than sight) perhaps just a bit more throughout the story, it would really tie things together quite well.
The pun was awesome! (Sorry I can't stop saying how awesome this chapter was, but I'm sure you probably don't mind.) For me, though it was intended to be humorous, instead it was ominous. George is cracking under the weight of his sorrow. His defenses are down, he's vulnerable. The pun made that all come up to the surface.
One last suggestion before I wrap this review up: "Laughter. I can hear it still. It is such an odd sound."
To kind of sustain the effect to the end, I suggest leaving "I can hear it still" with the big paragraph and making "Laughter. It is such an odd sound." its own little line at the end. So just a bit of rearranging, but it's also fine the way you wrote it. :)
Thanks for being my first review requester, and I hope that I have not disappointed you!! :)
~~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: Disappointed me? NEVER :D
Thank you so much for this much-needed lengthy and very-detailed review! I'm glad you've left a lot of comments on my sentence structures; they are something which are rather inconsistent throughout the story as I have indeed come up with quite a jumble of sentence fragments and run-ons. The first couple of paragraphs had plenty of sentence fragments...but they were rather long fragments, and I do see your point on how the suddenness of the action should be conveyed in "terse choppy bits". I shall most certainly go through this chapter again with all your recommendations in mind.
I'm glad you like parts of the story; I will definitely keep textures in mind while I'm working on descriptive passages.
And I see what you mean about italicising thoughts. I don't read Stephen King but maybe I should just to see how he styles his prose. The parentheses weren't so much deliberate thoughts but...well, moments of umm...consciousness (for lack of a better word). Or echoes, or asides, or strange, rather irrelevant observations. Anyway, I will definitely look at the structure and style of the narrative again!
Well, thank you so very much once again for the wonderful review. Your feedback's been absolutely valuable, and if you don't mind i would like to re-request in your thread.
-teh Report Review
Hey there- CalypsoJenna from the forums finally here! Thank you for your review on my story- I'm sorry it's taken a while for me to get to yours!
So I really enjoyed reading this- it's such an overwhelming moment for George and you brought across his emotions wonderfully- his reactions seemed so realistic.
I especially how you described Fred's death so physically. There was something rather grotesque about it, and yet something gripping too- as if George was having to break the moment down into the literal sequence of events in order to understand that it had happened.
I also thought his train of thought when he was trying to pretend to be Fred fitted in really well with the way you've characterised him in this. It's strange, because we always see the twins as happy, lighter characters in the books, but here you're really showing George in a darker light which is interesting.
I liked the way you used the fact that they were identical all through this chapter.
And argh the way you can use language! I think that was my favourite part of reading this. You used such beautiful turns of phrase, it was so easy to identify with George's grief. The level of description was perfect- enough for the reader to be able to picture the situation, but not too overdone. Every detail seemed so well thought out, and exactly the kind of thing George would be noticing under the circumstances.
So well done! A really touching piece of writing. Your portrayal of George's emotions is exquisite, and I'd be really interested to see what kind of journey you're going to take him on!
-BethanyAuthor's Response: Hello, Bethany! Thank you so much for your lovely review :D I'm glad you liked it, and your comments were wonderful! I want to explore the identical-ness of the twins in this fic, so there's probably going to be a lot more references to this in future chapters...probably until readers are sick of hearing how identical the twins are :D
I'm glad you think George's character and observations are realistic; I've been having quite a trying time writing him in-character, because yes, you're right, the Weasley twins are always light-hearted and joking in the books and they are hardly ever shown as sad, or in a darker frame of mind. Maybe some anger here and there, but generally they feel quite inaccessible. So that's what I'm trying to explore here and I hope I will be successful :)
Thank you so much once again for your review! I really do appreciate it and hope you keep reading :D
-teh Report Review
This is absolutely wonderful/heartbreaking. This is one of those deaths that I'll never understand. Sirius's half killed me, but I get it. I still don't think he should have died but I understand the necessity of taking every single thing from Harry so when it came to that final moment, he could die without hesitation. But Fred. Fred. . The worst part is is that it's not just Fred it killed, but George too. Because really, how is someone supposed to be okay after losing so much of them?
The entire section of them discussing death, making jokes out of it that weren't really jokes was extremely beautiful but with the bittersweet pain that I'm sure you intended. Because it doesn't happen that way. They don't go out blazing, fireworks and all. Ugh. Too painful ;(.
I really liked your odd structure. I love the break up of sentences and the poetic bits and the fact that it really just was as chaotic as the twins were. I think it fit your story perfectly.
I'll definitely be coming back for the next chapter!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hello Jami,
thank you so much for your lovely review :D
Yes, I've been pretty shredded by Fred's death as well, and how it must have affected George :( So much so that I've been driven to write this story. I don't know how successful or convincing I'll be in writing about the twins (they're such difficult characters to write!), especially post-Hogwarts post-war twins. And one of them being dead and all...
I'm glad you liked the structure of the story; I've just been experimenting around with it (to make the story hopefully less monotonous since not a lot has happened so far) and hopefully it doesn't go overboard or anything like it :)
Thank you so much once again; your review means heaps to me :D And I do hope you keep reading and enjoy the future chapters just as much!
-teh Report Review
You? Incompetent? Never. And I'm not even being sarcastic.
So. Where to begin. I'll try to start at the beginning, but I don't know how successful that'll be.
I don't know if the Burrow's current state and Molly's reaction to it is meant to reflect George, but it does, shattered photo frames and the like. As do the fragmented sentences you're apologising for. I love it. All of it. Just thought I'd remind you of that in case you'd forgotten.
I also love your messing around with pronouns to refer to Gred & Forge. You've turned confusion into an art form. I'm jealous.
Your use of synaesthesia, too. Bloody hell. I'm synaesthetic, but I feel kinda mundane after reading your delirious descriptions.
But mostly - yes, there is a point to this review - dark humour! Yay! I'm the kind of person who laughed near the end of Requiem for a Dream, so I laughed at lines like:
and just high!George throughout the funeral. It was hilarious, and hilariously sad. I don't know how you do it. It's not fair. D:
This would be a more detailed review, but I'm not very good with words. You may have noticed.
I will say that I'm not sure I quite understand the whole headstone thing - I mean, I get that it's significant and stuff - but I just... don't get it. Doesn't click for me. I'm not very bright and you are very subtle. Could you explain that one to me, please?
Anyway - I'm sorry for this crap review and thank you so much for updating.Author's Response: Yay! Thank you so much for this uh, "crap review", you said!? No, it's brilliant and it's made my day :D You're synaesthetic? Wow, that's something. I can't imagine how it's like so I did a lot of guesswork here...also I did remember having a conversation with someone else who has synaesthesia and tried to be ahem, accurate.
I was worried that George being high in Fred's funeral was a little silly...but then I thought, it's silly? Then I'm definitely writing it! I'm glad you thought I pulled it off :D
As for the gravestone thing, it's just one of those moments that don't make sense without the rest of the story in context. Um, I do have sort of an idea (a very very vague one) where this story is going, and I guess you will have to wait (uh, several chapters?) before it sort of starts to make sense. Am so sorry! It's me, not you :(
And stop being jealous of me; you're a fantastic writer yourself! You say more than I could ever manage in such few words :) That's a skill that's hard for others to master.
Thanks so much once again :D Always look forward to your reviews!
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