Reading Reviews for The Queen Is Giving In
  
65 Reviews Found

Review #26, by MC_HK Just Wake Up

3rd August 2013:
I really like this emotional chapter. I like to see how everyone is affected by Dorcas because it really gives a great insight into the group dynamic. I think the most CC I could give is to take what I've said about previous chapters and apply it to your later ones. It's kind of always some missing words or a bit of grammar issues. It doesn't upset me, but I feel like I can't give you a great review if I'm just saying the sam things over and over again.

But really, I really liked this chapter and I hope you re-request soon. MC_HK

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! I've always had trouble with showing the proper emotion, but I think this was one of my better chapters as well.

I love all of your reviews! They really are helpful, and repetition is still helpful. I will request soon, don't you worry.


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Review #27, by MC_HK Confusion Garnished With Lies

3rd August 2013:
You've got a good chapter. I like being able to have a peek at Sirius' thoughts and even Nick's thoughts at times. The end with Dorcas in the clouds is a really interesting bit, and I kind of wish you extended it more. Again, well done with your chapter.

Don't take this the wrong way, but beside usual missing words and punctuation, I do have one comment about some of your writing. I feel like there are areas that you kind of use filler words. I can see that some of it kind of doesn't fit in with what was before it or it seems a little disjointed. I'm not saying this is a totally bad thing, but if you found a way to make those ideas flow it would be great. Like I feel like there are areas that you do it a lot with Sirius and Nick when you try to explain their thoughts and feelings. Like when Nick talks about things being Gryffindor-like, I don't think being mental and crazy count as being a Gryffindor.

Like I said, please don't take that the wrong way. I really do like your story, and it truly does interest me. Just giving my CC where I think it needs to be. MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you for that. I think it would be kind of hard not to have their thoughts, because they are so integral at this part of the story.

I think I do that because people have told me I'm not descriptive enough, and then I just come back to it, and it ends up being very awkward. Thank you for mentioning that. And I think the only reason Nick thinks like that is because, in my mind, he's always been a very close-minded person.

Thank you for reviewing again, and really, I'm glad you said something!


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Review #28, by AlexFan Prologue

2nd August 2013:
I knew that I would like your main character when I got to the end of the first paragraph. I couldn't help laugh when I read the part about how she found Hestia smiling so much a little bit weird. It sounded like something that I would think.

I can totally relate to your character's personality, if she were a real person I don't think we would've gotten along because we would be too alike but I can definitely relate to her. She's very realistic and maybe because she sounds so realistic it'll make it easier for me to understand her thoughts and actions later on in the story.

I feel so bad for your MC though, she's got almost no one in her life to care about her except for Lily and Alice (they just seemed like the ones she was closest to).

The only thing that I can point out is that Lily didn't live in Spinner's End. Snape lived in Spinners End and Petunia made fun of Snape for living in such a horrible neighborhood. I can't remember exactly where Lily lived but I know it's not Spinner's End.

Besides that I like the Prologue, I got to know the main character and about her family life. You managed to tell me a lot of information without having it shoved in my face like it usually is. Well done on that!

Author's Response: I really do like her a lot, too. Sorry for my incessant self-love, but I do. I think she's just very blunt, which I've always appreciated in characters, because there is usually a lot of mystery, and she just doesn't have that. Well, not yet anyway (hee hee hee)

She has an absolutely horrible life. I think she copes very well because of the people she's grown up along with. It's great!

Really? Oh gosh, I'd always been under the impression they both lived in Spinners End, and that's the reason they became friends. Sorry about that, I'll change it when everything else is validated.

I'm so glad you liked it, and I can't wait to hear more of your reviews!


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Review #29, by MC_HK A House of Health

1st August 2013:
I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I cannot stress enough how important it is that you make it clear who is speaking. There are moments I find myself very confused because you space each quote, but sometimes the person who says it isn't the name that comes after the quote. For me, at least, this makes it very hard to figure out who is talking, especially in a fast-paced chapter like this. You also have a few words missing in the beginning.

I love love love how you wrote Lily and Remus's point of views. Those were so well written, and I enjoyed those a lot. The who chapter was very good. MC_HK

Author's Response: I don't know why I do that. I think it's because I enjoy reading work that is written like that, even if it is a bit confusing. I don't know why I like to read like that at all, but I do. I'll go over this chapter right now to fix it up!

I'm glad you liked the other characters, by the way. Thanks for your review!


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Review #30, by MC_HK A Conflict of Disinterest

31st July 2013:
I really liked Peeves in this chapter! I thought that was really funny what he said about Dorcas lol. You've also got that great characterization still going on, and that's something you don't often see.

There are a few grammar problems. I didn't notice any spelling problems, but there are a couple sentences that don't make sense. And there's a part where I think you meant "head in my hands" not the other way around, as that sounds like a very unfortunate predicament lol. Anyways! Good job! MC_HK

Author's Response: I really always loved the concept of Peeves, and I just had to put him in! And thank you. I always try and write in the mindset of my characters. I really try and think f what they would do or say.

Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I did that. Now my hands are in my head. I mean-oh well, you get it. Thanks for your review!


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Review #31, by marauderfan Too Perfect

29th July 2013:
Hi, here with your RR!

Oh that Bellatrix, she's awful! (Not your writing of her, just her in general :P ) At first I was wondering what prefect would possibly be threatening a first year, but then when you revealed it was Bellatrix I wasn't surprised by her actions anymore. Though I am surprised she was a prefect at all, surely Dumbledore didn't trust her with that much responsibility?!

I liked the scene with James, taking care of his friend like that, it was sweet. This chapter also explains all of Harley's behaviour in previous chapters, trying to not use magic in order to delay her death. And I think Dorcas's reaction to finding out she's going to die is good. I think it seems quite realistic, in a way, for someone who doesn't want to face the truth, she just pretends she's fine.

As for the discussion with Dumbledore, I think it could use a little work. He seemed a little OOC to me. He seems to be making it harder for Dorcas in what he says, like he drags it on. And the information he had didn't really make a lot of sense to me... For example he says "I love to watch others feel. Do you understand what I mean Dorcas?" but then he tells her something incredibly difficult for her to hear... surely he doesn't love to watch her feel that? Also, is it the perfect-magic thing that's killing her, or is it a disease? I wasn't sure.

Sorry if that seems overly critical. I do know just how hard it is to write Dumbledore! Anyway, you did well on the first half, but might want to revisit that scene with Dumbledore. Good work!! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I just had to use Bellatrix. She is so much fun to write, because I feel she is just pure evil. You don't really get to write in the mindset of someone who is pure evil a lot.

I loved writing Dorcas for this scene, because I think it's exactly how an adolescent Gryffindor would react. She is in big denial.

Dumbledore is so hard to write! It's truly unfair. I think I'll edit when I am at least halfway done with the novel, because there are some other larger things that need fixing first. I think I wrote it like that because Dumbledore didn't want to face it either. He is very invested in his student's, and even for Dumbledore that would be a hard topic to broach.

The perfection of magic is the disease. This will be explained more in depth in two or three chapters, I'm not exactly sure.

Thanks for your review. Your insight was very helpful, and I look forward to hearing more! You're my fifty-fifth review, by the way. Congratulations!


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Review #32, by MC_HK Saturdays

29th July 2013:
I'm beginning to be quite annoyed with Dorcas at this point. It's more in the respect that she seems like a hypocrite. She tells Lily to not pity herself, but all she's been doing throughout the story is pitying herself. If you want that to be her personality, I suggest you add in something that really explains why she's like that. Also, there's a part where someone nods their head no, but heads only nod yes. There's also a very confusing sentence in here as well, I can't find it right now, but I wrote it down as saying that it should say "he never will again." I think it said, "he never would again" but that doesn't make sense.

Looking forward to your re-request, MC_HK

Author's Response: Oh, I was waiting for someone to say so. Dorcas has about three phases in this story. The first part which was rather short, was conceited Dorcas. The Dorcas that thought she was on top of the world and nothing could stop her, all that nonsense. Then there's rebel Dorcas. She doesn't want to hear what anyone has to say, and she only cares about herself. This transfer happens when she finds out about her illness, and continues up until about chapter twenty, when she comes to the third stage. But, back to the point. Between the first and second phases, Dorcas' mood is very temperamental, and she doesn't exactly know what she wants. She gets annoyed when Lily pities herself because of all the things she has to go through. Whoo! Dorcas is a mess, we'll acknowledge that.

I should probably change it to shook, right? Shook their head no? And I will go back and search for that mistake after I do the previous chapter.

Thanks again for your review, and I'm looking forward to the next!


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Review #33, by newgenerationlover One More Time With Humor

29th July 2013:
Ahh! They finally kissed!!! I can't wait for the next chapter. Please update soon! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm happy you've read this far, and it ill be updated soon. Very soon.

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Review #34, by MC_HK We're All Conflicted

28th July 2013:
This was a really amusing chapter. Especially this sentence " Dorcas, you are majorly turning me on right now. Keep nagging me." I was laughing pretty hard at that one lol.

The parentheses at the beginning that you use seem a bit unnecessary to me. those could be used to add more voice to her inner monologue instead of add on to the previous sentence. There is also a spot where it says "really really" and I don't know if t was intentional, but I don't think it worked there.

Overall, nice chapter. Till next time, MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I kind of like this chapter a lot, too. They don't have a lot of one on one time until now.

I'll check that out, and fix it up accordingly! I'm sure I didn't mean to repeat the word so I'll fix that as well.

Thanks for stopping by!


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Review #35, by MC_HK Subjectively Ugly

28th July 2013:
"There was deadness in her eyes,under all her mascara and eyeshadow. I didn't even really like when girls wore makeup. I'll admit so much to James or Lily, but I love how Lily does her makeup. That might sound completely gay, (and this is where Dorcas inserts a derogatory comment), but I love when girls wear no makeup, because then you can see their beauty." In this area, you kind of contradict your writing, and it makes Sirius' personality inconsistent. He either likes makeup, or he doesn't lik makeup. This needs to be clear. And there are a few punctuation inconsistencies where people are asking questions, but there are no question marks. Also, this isn't a big deal but the spacing should be fixed.

I liked the idea of this chapter, what with the ball and all. I liked Dorcas's interactions with everyone, as they were pretty amusing. Overall, good job.

MC_HK

Author's Response: Yeah, that part I was always a little iffy on. I can't remember, but I believe I just wrote it to fill space which is kind of terrible. I'll edit it when I can get to it!

Thank you so much, I look forward to your next review.


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Review #36, by ReillyJade Prologue

26th July 2013:
Hello! Reilly here with your requested review. :)

While short, this chapter does exactly what a prologue is supposed to do. It gives the reader a little insight to the world of the main character, but does so with just enough mystery to make us want to click that arrow button to read the next chapter. I'm really happy you didn't give a lot of information away here - very, very good job with showing us very little about your OC yet making us care about her already. :) You also did a magnificent job setting the overall tone for the story.

The very last line was, in my opinion, a perfect ending to this. "My whole family was already dying." It hits you like a punch to the chest. It evokes the sympathy necessary to keep a reader interested while keeping things intriguing enough to make us want to turn the page. I'm also very interested in the sort of work Harley is involved in to make your OC think she'll lose her. Is she an Auror? An Unspeakable? A Curse-breaker? I'm quite curious. :D

My lone constructive criticism is to keep an eye out for grammar. There were a couple of oddly placed commas here and there and I think maybe one run-on sentence. None of it was distracting enough to make me dislike the chapter, but I figured it was worth mentioning.

This has nothing to do with the chapter itself, but I really like the title of the story. Again, it's mysterious. I'm a sucker for good titles. :)

Great job with this!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I have gotten my fair amount of criticism on the length, and I'm happy you enjoyed that aspect.

Harley is such a deep character, that I can't even begin to describe why she is so important in the first two chapters. She's probably my favorite character!

Thank you, for mentioning that. I'll have my beta run it over again to see if he missed any mistakes.

Thank you so much, I have had much trouble with titles in the past. Thank you for your review!


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Review #37, by MC_HK Stop Trying, It's Over

25th July 2013:
This chapter gets a good look into Nick and Dorcas' relationship and the dynamics of it all. Dorcas had her high points and she had her low points in the story, and that gave me a good roller coaster ride lol. It was an interesting chapter overall, and I liked the dialogue and inner monologue with Dorcas. One thing I can't stress enough is repetitive words. It's a bit distracting, and your reader will focus on those instead of your story.

Looking forward to reading more, MC_HK

Author's Response: That's why I love this chapter! I think Nick is a very interesting character, because he isn't torn between what he wants and what Dorcas wants. He is very selfish and just wants to have Dorcas.

Dorcas was pretty confused in this chapter, as she was still worried about Sirius, but having to relive all of these memories with Nick, and ugh. Just an emotional rollercoaster.

Thanks for your review, and I'll edit those words ASAP!


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Review #38, by rozen_maiden Love and Other Injuries

23rd July 2013:
I don't really have much to say other than I really liked this chapter. Your writing has improved tenfold since the beginning. Well done!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I like this one too. It shows more of her relationship with the marauders. I hope to hear more from you, and hope you enjoy the rest.

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Review #39, by rozen_maiden Too Perfect

23rd July 2013:
Hey, I'm back! This was a real good chapter to get the plotline of your story out there. I seriously had no idea what was going to happen, and it was honestly a bit of a shock. It's a really interesting concept that she could die if she used magic, and I think it's a really good idea. It says a lot about Dorcas and her family, as in the past you've described Harley as a bit weird and odd, so it makes sense that she's that way: the fact that she couldn't use magic, and they she won't use magic, really labels her as an outsider. I'm interested to see how Dorcas handles the situation herself, as it's a pretty ominous and serious future to be burdened with. You did a real good job describing her emotions when she was told about this event, and it was really quite easy to read. I got slightly confused about who was talking in the conversation with her and Dumbledore, but that could really be fixed with a 'Dumbledore said'. On the topic of Dumbledore as well, I think you handled him really well in this chapter. He is a real difficult character to master, and has so much about him that is displayed through actions, and you can really tell you did it as best you can. I could easily read it as if he were talking.

Same goes for the scene with Bella - I had no idea it was Bella until Sirius said, but once he did it was like a little light switched on in my head saying 'of course!' That was well-written, and Bella stayed true to her character. She's pretty complex behind her cruelty with her relationship with Sirius, but you handled it really well, so good job :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! That's why Harley is a bit forced and hostile.

I had a lot of trouble writing this scene, and I mean a lot. I edited it majorly a while ago. I'm happy you liked my Dumbledore though! He was hard, too.

I kind of like to do that, sorry. I don't know why, but I tend to keep characters hidden until the end. I like to make people think and have their own idea about who it could be before they actually know.

Thanks for reviewing again!


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Review #40, by MC_HK Truth or Death?

22nd July 2013:
This chapter was very interesting indeed! I liked the truth or dare aspect of it, and it was a pleasure to read. It was very funny, if not a bit vulgar. I'm not huge on the vulgarity, but it was minor and I brushed past it.

I'd really like to know whose funeral Sirius and Dumbledore went to, and why Dumbledore needed to be there. Also, what does Dorcas have to do with the Black family? I guess that will be answered later, but it's bothering the hell out of me lol. It would also help if after quotes you could put who is talking. I find myself getting rather confused when you only put the quote or a quote and a reaction from another character and I lose who was originally talking in the first place.

Good chapter, look forward to reading more. MC_HK

Author's Response: Hello again! I'm happy you liked that, and I'm sorry it was a bit too vulgar for you. I felt like that's the way teenagers are/act, so there you go (I did edit out some of the language in the previous chapter, and I think it sounds much better. Thank you for pointing that out.)

About the funeral, in the last chapter, I mentioned that Sirius' uncle had died. Did that not come across into this chapter? I hope it did. The Black family isn't as opaque and two-dimensional in my Harry Potter as it is in J.K. Rowling's. The family is going to come up a lot more in the story nearing the end.

I'm sorry for all the quoting errors. I didn't used to be very descriptive when I wrote who was talking, so I'll go back and edit that as well!

Thank you!


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Review #41, by MadiMalfoy Prologue

22nd July 2013:
Hey! MadiMalfoy with your requested review. :)

If you wanted me to read and review the entire piece, I'm sorry! I don't have quite enough time for that, and I only review one chapter at a time. But please feel free to come back for future chapters. :)

So, plot flow. I think that because it's a prologue, it does a very good job of setting the story and the plot up. You have a very dark undertone that comes through easily, which is sometimes a hard thing to do--get your tone across. Obviously, there isn't a whole lot of plot in this because it's so short and the first chapter, but that's okay because of the background you give.

One thing about your OC is that we don't learn her name in this chapter--but that might be for a good reason, I don't know yet--so you could mention her first name somewhere within dialogue between her and her friends, maybe? That might help with the reader connecting to her better since she's your original character. Otherwise, I think that you've got a great start on the other characters that we already know: Lily, Alice, Marlene, and Hestia.

Great job so far, re-request if you'd like! :)
~MadiMalfoy xx

Author's Response: thank you! And oh god no, that's way too much to ask.

I'm happy you say that. I didn't try to make the chapter overtly dark. It was mostly setting up my main character and her personality.

Multiple people have mentioned the name thing, so I think I better get on it. I think I was concentrating more on her personality getting across than her actual name.

Thank you again for reviewing!


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Review #42, by rozen_maiden Play With Fire

21st July 2013:
So far, this story is fun and light-hearted to read, and I'm really enjoying it. I felt quite bad for Snape in this chapter, but it worked well, as I couldn't imagine Doe treating him any differently if she is truly friends with the marauders.

I enjoy the interactions with Doe and Sirius - their relationship is a lot deeper than it appears to be, and I can never predict what they'll be saying to each other next. Your dialogue works really well at conveying your characters emotions, and you can see it really clearly with Doe - it is like sometimes she says things without thinking.

Hestia confuses me a bit, as I feel like she holds a fair bit of power in the social circle. The same goes with Nick - I'd love to see him more. You've given him a real strong personality, and if Doe does get with Sirius, I can't imagine him taking it well.

Your plotline is flowing really well, and I'm enjoying the read. You've go a real talent for conveying your characters emotions through dialogue.

Author's Response: Thank you! I wasn't sure some people would understand why she's so mean to him, but I'm glad you got it.

Their relationship is very deeply rooted, and I think they would do anything for each other. That's also how Dorcas just is. Anything she wants to say kind of just slips out. I try to exaggerate in the first few chapters, because she really starts to change after the first few.

Hestia really just goes along for the ride. She's very sweet, and somewhat tactless. Dorcas doesn't really understand her ability to be nice all the time. They are more similar than Dorcas would ever admit, though.

You will definitely see more of Nick. It's a bit difficult to put him into scenes, because of his past with Dorcas. He will come into play much later, and he will become very important.

Thank you so much for everything you've said! I'm happy you're enjoying it so much, and thank you.


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Review #43, by rozen_maiden Prologue

21st July 2013:
Hey, it's Mahalia (finally, and I'm real sorry about the wait).
I think it was a great prologue. You've opened really well, and shown us who your main character is, and it gives readers a good view on how to handle the rest of your story. I wasn't quite sure about her at first, as I found her honesty quite confronting - but I think that this was in a good way. One thing that really struck me: 'abrasive, rude, far too honest, judgmental, and moody' - you have used those adjectives perfectly to describe her, and I'm real interested to see how you write with somebody of such a strong character. Along with this, I found the flashback really well placed and quite emotional.
My only negative comment to this chapter is that I feel it could have been a bit longer. You could perhaps continue the flashback into the conversation she had with Harley, if you were looking on ways to expand. This would also be handy, I think, as Harley seems like a pretty interesting character, from what little you have written, and it would be a good way to have her tied in immediately.

All in all, this was a great beginning chapter. Well done!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really love the main character! With everything that happens, she progresses a lot from her original description of herself.

I probably should lengthen it, and I never really could figure out how. Thank you for that idea!

I'm glad you liked it, and I hope to be hearing more from you.


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Review #44, by marauderfan Play With Fire

21st July 2013:
Hello again :) here with your RR.

You've developed some interesting character relationships in this chapter. I found it really funny that Dorcas and Sirius dated and are still friends - but it explains why she knows so much about his family and about Remus. I had been wondering how she knew so much in the beginning of the chapter when that was first mentioned, but the explanation later of them dating cleared it up.

Also, I can see why Dorcas gets on well with the Marauders, as she comes across as quite confident and vain in this chapter! And quite rude to Snape. But she seems very different from the detached narrator of Chapter 1, which was odd. But I suppose that's because chapter 1 is set a few years previously? (The first chapter didn't give much of a sense of time, so I'm not sure.)

One thing I think I'd like to see more of is description. This chapter is mostly dialogue, which is great, but a little description/scene setting/action is nice once in a while too. What the classroom looks like, what people are doing as they speak, etc.

This is a good chapter though! Well done :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Dorcas is a confusing character. She has a different personality during the summer, I think. She is very close with the Marauders, and they make her more confident. She's quite blunt in the first chapter, because there's not really anything for her to be confident or happy about.

I'll try and add more description into the chapters when I go back and edit these first couple.

Thank you for the review!


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Review #45, by MC_HK All Of the Reasons Why

21st July 2013:
"It's up to you, but Dumbledore and myself strongly recommend never transforming again." I would fix this sentence up a bit. I don't know why, but it kind of doesn't flow well for me.

I've spotted a few minor words missing that mess up the flow for me as well, but it's because I'm a slow reader so I go through sentences very thoroughly. You can choose to fix those if you want. I've seen a lot of repetitive words and there is something about this chapter that seems very inconsistent, like a lot of your ideas don't really mesh up. I think it's because you have everything so separated in to paragraphs that it's hard to tell what idea ends where. The kind of short story that Lily tells in the middle of the chapter is also kind of weird for me, only because it's an odd transition within the story. I think if you had it so she was just telling Dorcas what happened instead of making it a mini-story in italics, it would flow better. There's an awful lot of cursing in this as well, to the point where it makes it kind of unpleasant to read.

I do have something nagging at the back of my head: I don't know if you're going to answer this in later chapters or if I've just forgotten, but how do they know how to do the tests on the blood? Is her condition just distinctive of her family, or is it rare but many other wizards have it? I think this should be elaborated on more.

"Getting angrier as I walked, my steps having a greater chance of cracking the marble beneath me." This is a tense problem, as it should be "my steps had a greater chance of cracking the marble beneath me."

I do like this chapter though. Sorry for a lot of criticisms. I don't mean to be harsh. You've still got a good plot going, I guess I'm just a bit over-eager to know where it's going. Anyways, have a good day :) MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you for everything you've said. This story was started when I was not that great of a writer, and when I didn't understand the concept of planning/plot holes. This was one of my least favorite chapters as well, and I think it's because it took me over a month too write it. I will definitely go back and edit this right now because you feel so strongly about it.

Thank you again!


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Review #46, by marauderfan Roses and Vanilla

19th July 2013:
Hello again - marauderfan here with your requested review.

This is a good second chapter, I enjoyed the anecdote about how Dorcas missed the train (and almost twice, at that!) Your characterisation of Dorcas is good, I'm beginning to get more of an idea of what she's like, and how her mouth isn't always connected to her brain. Characters like that are often a lot of fun :P I like that she's friends with the Marauders too. I kind of wonder what her friends (particularly Lily) think of that.

I still can't quite grasp what's going on with Harley, I'm not sure I understand her as a character yet. It seems like she's brash just like Dorcas, which makes sense, but doesn't really explain her standoffishness in the previous chapter. But since she's not going to Hogwarts, maybe part of it is jealousy of Dorcas?

Also, one thing I'd suggest is when Dorcas tells Lily about meeting Nick on the train, you probably don't have to repeat all the dialogue again, because as the reader I already know what happened. So I think it'd be fine to simply say that she told Lily, and then go into Lily's comments on it.

Lastly, and this isn't a big deal, but I found a couple of Americanisms - you said "mom" instead of "mum", and "chips" should be "crisps". ;)

Good work on this chapter!!

Author's Response: Thank you for that. I don't know if I explained it well enough, but that is just how Harley acts. It's mostly reserved for Dorcas, and I swear everything will be explained later!

Oh thank god! I didn't even think of that and it cuts out a lot of unnecessary talking.

Thank you, again, for the English help. I think my beta actually told me about those and I chose to defiantly ignore him.

Thank you for your review, and hope to hear more!


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Review #47, by MC_HK Step Two On My Way To Destruction

19th July 2013:
I really enjoyed this chapter. There was a lot of action and it kept me interested to the last word. Your description is awesome, an it helps me envision what you are imagining in your head as you write this. I like the slight bits of humor that don't make it 100% serious, and I was entertained all the way through. I really like the writing style you've achieved here, so keep it up :) MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I think this is chapter where I really expanded for some reason. I don't know, it seems I just got a lot better in this one.

Thank you again, and I look forward to hearing from you.


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Review #48, by KiwiOliver Prologue

18th July 2013:
Hello there, KiwiOliver here for your requested review:
(Quick note: I'm on a tablet not a comp so forgive any spelling or grammar nistakes)
I enjoyed this chapter quite a lot, it did a good job of setting up your story, it told me all I needed to know but left a nice air of mystery about our character :) Overall a great chapter with some good characterisation and descriptions. I really enjoyed reading it and I look forward to the rest :)
Here's some CC for you to take a look at, nothing major just acouple of points to help the flow.
We don't really find out who Harley is, we need to know as soon as the name is mentioned, or at least the second time.
Since Hogwarts is based in England/UK, I would use the word 'year' instead of 'grade' since grade is an Americanisation :) Not a big issue since we still know what you mean ect.
There's nothing else I can really comment on, You've written a very good chapter and I really liked reading it.
KO

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I will probably go back and edit that. My beta is English as well, so I'm surprised he didn't catch that! (He's very on top of me about my Amercianization) I have had this chapter reviewed a fair few times because I wasn't confident, and I'm glad to know all my editing helped!

Thank you for your review!


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Review #49, by marauderfan Prologue

17th July 2013:
Hello - marauderfan here with your requested review from the forums.

Oh this is so sad :( That's a lot for one person to go through, especially at so young an age.

I think the flow of this is very unique, but very good! It seems kind of stream-of-consciousness - like the events mentioned in the chapter happened at different points in time, but the time isn't relevant, its the feeling conveyed that matters. And you've illustrated the feelings of detachment and tragedy very well so far.

As for characterization, the main character seems pretty good, though with little to go off except her monologue, she's not quite a three-dimensional character for me yet. (Which is fine - after all, this is only the first chapter and no action/dialogue has happened yet which would show rather than tell what she's like.) But I can get an idea of how she thinks, based on this chapter.

The other characters only have brief mentions, but I'm really curious about Harley. She's the MC's sister, but isn't affected by the death in the family? (Or maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself and this will be answered in later chapters! This is just my thoughts at the moment ;-) ) And I know Hestia has only had about two sentences of an introduction, but so far I like how you've described her. I always imagined her as a super cheerful person as well!

Good start, nice work on this!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I have BIG plans for Harley in the future, and I'm happy you noticed her small parts. I write mostly in the first person, so we see what one person is thinking for about one chapter at a time. I think the fifth chapter is when someone other than the MC speaks in the first person.

Thank you so much for your review!


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Review #50, by MC_HK Love and Other Injuries

16th July 2013:
I won't mention the errors that I've pointed out in the other chapters, as they persist in these later ones and I'll just trust that you know what to look for when/if you rewrite these :) This will also make my reviews considerably shorter.

I see a few words that are missing letters and misplaced/misused words that kind of cause the flow to falter, but those can be quickly fixed. The overall flow, though, is very good. It's quick-paced for the most part and goes along smoothly.

"Not being rude, but Hestia's not really the brightest light on the Christmas tree." I like what you are trying to achieve with this sentence, but you don't really explain why Dorcas thinks of Hestia that way. If you could add in just a detail or two about why, then this sentence would make more sense.

You've got some good character interaction in this chapter. I love all the dialogue you have going on. I like the camaraderie you show between Dorcas and the Marauders in this chapter, giving the reader a sense of how close they really are. The imagery is really spot on, and has improved from your earlier chapters.

Always a good read, MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you for saying that. I know I have an awful lot of mistakes, and I mean a lot, in the earlier chapters. Is it too fast? Because I have been known to write extremely quickly, and it's almost like an entire week is in one chapter sometimes.

I never actually thought of that, and it's interesting you say that. Maybe I will go more into depth with those little things I unfortunately just never think about too much.

Thank you for noticing my (small) improvement, and I hope you continue to. I think Dorcas realizes how much closer she is with the marauders than with Alice and Lily. I can't wait to hear from you again.


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