Reading Reviews for The Queen Is Giving In
  
53 Reviews Found

Review #26, by MC_HK A House of Health

1st August 2013:
I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I cannot stress enough how important it is that you make it clear who is speaking. There are moments I find myself very confused because you space each quote, but sometimes the person who says it isn't the name that comes after the quote. For me, at least, this makes it very hard to figure out who is talking, especially in a fast-paced chapter like this. You also have a few words missing in the beginning.

I love love love how you wrote Lily and Remus's point of views. Those were so well written, and I enjoyed those a lot. The who chapter was very good. MC_HK

Author's Response: I don't know why I do that. I think it's because I enjoy reading work that is written like that, even if it is a bit confusing. I don't know why I like to read like that at all, but I do. I'll go over this chapter right now to fix it up!

I'm glad you liked the other characters, by the way. Thanks for your review!


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Review #27, by MC_HK A Conflict of Disinterest

31st July 2013:
I really liked Peeves in this chapter! I thought that was really funny what he said about Dorcas lol. You've also got that great characterization still going on, and that's something you don't often see.

There are a few grammar problems. I didn't notice any spelling problems, but there are a couple sentences that don't make sense. And there's a part where I think you meant "head in my hands" not the other way around, as that sounds like a very unfortunate predicament lol. Anyways! Good job! MC_HK

Author's Response: I really always loved the concept of Peeves, and I just had to put him in! And thank you. I always try and write in the mindset of my characters. I really try and think f what they would do or say.

Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I did that. Now my hands are in my head. I mean-oh well, you get it. Thanks for your review!


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Review #28, by marauderfan Too Perfect

29th July 2013:
Hi, here with your RR!

Oh that Bellatrix, she's awful! (Not your writing of her, just her in general :P ) At first I was wondering what prefect would possibly be threatening a first year, but then when you revealed it was Bellatrix I wasn't surprised by her actions anymore. Though I am surprised she was a prefect at all, surely Dumbledore didn't trust her with that much responsibility?!

I liked the scene with James, taking care of his friend like that, it was sweet. This chapter also explains all of Harley's behaviour in previous chapters, trying to not use magic in order to delay her death. And I think Dorcas's reaction to finding out she's going to die is good. I think it seems quite realistic, in a way, for someone who doesn't want to face the truth, she just pretends she's fine.

As for the discussion with Dumbledore, I think it could use a little work. He seemed a little OOC to me. He seems to be making it harder for Dorcas in what he says, like he drags it on. And the information he had didn't really make a lot of sense to me... For example he says "I love to watch others feel. Do you understand what I mean Dorcas?" but then he tells her something incredibly difficult for her to hear... surely he doesn't love to watch her feel that? Also, is it the perfect-magic thing that's killing her, or is it a disease? I wasn't sure.

Sorry if that seems overly critical. I do know just how hard it is to write Dumbledore! Anyway, you did well on the first half, but might want to revisit that scene with Dumbledore. Good work!! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I just had to use Bellatrix. She is so much fun to write, because I feel she is just pure evil. You don't really get to write in the mindset of someone who is pure evil a lot.

I loved writing Dorcas for this scene, because I think it's exactly how an adolescent Gryffindor would react. She is in big denial.

Dumbledore is so hard to write! It's truly unfair. I think I'll edit when I am at least halfway done with the novel, because there are some other larger things that need fixing first. I think I wrote it like that because Dumbledore didn't want to face it either. He is very invested in his student's, and even for Dumbledore that would be a hard topic to broach.

The perfection of magic is the disease. This will be explained more in depth in two or three chapters, I'm not exactly sure.

Thanks for your review. Your insight was very helpful, and I look forward to hearing more! You're my fifty-fifth review, by the way. Congratulations!


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Review #29, by MC_HK Saturdays

29th July 2013:
I'm beginning to be quite annoyed with Dorcas at this point. It's more in the respect that she seems like a hypocrite. She tells Lily to not pity herself, but all she's been doing throughout the story is pitying herself. If you want that to be her personality, I suggest you add in something that really explains why she's like that. Also, there's a part where someone nods their head no, but heads only nod yes. There's also a very confusing sentence in here as well, I can't find it right now, but I wrote it down as saying that it should say "he never will again." I think it said, "he never would again" but that doesn't make sense.

Looking forward to your re-request, MC_HK

Author's Response: Oh, I was waiting for someone to say so. Dorcas has about three phases in this story. The first part which was rather short, was conceited Dorcas. The Dorcas that thought she was on top of the world and nothing could stop her, all that nonsense. Then there's rebel Dorcas. She doesn't want to hear what anyone has to say, and she only cares about herself. This transfer happens when she finds out about her illness, and continues up until about chapter twenty, when she comes to the third stage. But, back to the point. Between the first and second phases, Dorcas' mood is very temperamental, and she doesn't exactly know what she wants. She gets annoyed when Lily pities herself because of all the things she has to go through. Whoo! Dorcas is a mess, we'll acknowledge that.

I should probably change it to shook, right? Shook their head no? And I will go back and search for that mistake after I do the previous chapter.

Thanks again for your review, and I'm looking forward to the next!


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Review #30, by newgenerationlover One More Time With Humor

29th July 2013:
Ahh! They finally kissed!!! I can't wait for the next chapter. Please update soon! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm happy you've read this far, and it ill be updated soon. Very soon.

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Review #31, by MC_HK We're All Conflicted

28th July 2013:
This was a really amusing chapter. Especially this sentence " Dorcas, you are majorly turning me on right now. Keep nagging me." I was laughing pretty hard at that one lol.

The parentheses at the beginning that you use seem a bit unnecessary to me. those could be used to add more voice to her inner monologue instead of add on to the previous sentence. There is also a spot where it says "really really" and I don't know if t was intentional, but I don't think it worked there.

Overall, nice chapter. Till next time, MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I kind of like this chapter a lot, too. They don't have a lot of one on one time until now.

I'll check that out, and fix it up accordingly! I'm sure I didn't mean to repeat the word so I'll fix that as well.

Thanks for stopping by!


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Review #32, by MC_HK Subjectively Ugly

28th July 2013:
"There was deadness in her eyes,under all her mascara and eyeshadow. I didn't even really like when girls wore makeup. I'll admit so much to James or Lily, but I love how Lily does her makeup. That might sound completely gay, (and this is where Dorcas inserts a derogatory comment), but I love when girls wear no makeup, because then you can see their beauty." In this area, you kind of contradict your writing, and it makes Sirius' personality inconsistent. He either likes makeup, or he doesn't lik makeup. This needs to be clear. And there are a few punctuation inconsistencies where people are asking questions, but there are no question marks. Also, this isn't a big deal but the spacing should be fixed.

I liked the idea of this chapter, what with the ball and all. I liked Dorcas's interactions with everyone, as they were pretty amusing. Overall, good job.

MC_HK

Author's Response: Yeah, that part I was always a little iffy on. I can't remember, but I believe I just wrote it to fill space which is kind of terrible. I'll edit it when I can get to it!

Thank you so much, I look forward to your next review.


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Review #33, by MC_HK Stop Trying, It's Over

25th July 2013:
This chapter gets a good look into Nick and Dorcas' relationship and the dynamics of it all. Dorcas had her high points and she had her low points in the story, and that gave me a good roller coaster ride lol. It was an interesting chapter overall, and I liked the dialogue and inner monologue with Dorcas. One thing I can't stress enough is repetitive words. It's a bit distracting, and your reader will focus on those instead of your story.

Looking forward to reading more, MC_HK

Author's Response: That's why I love this chapter! I think Nick is a very interesting character, because he isn't torn between what he wants and what Dorcas wants. He is very selfish and just wants to have Dorcas.

Dorcas was pretty confused in this chapter, as she was still worried about Sirius, but having to relive all of these memories with Nick, and ugh. Just an emotional rollercoaster.

Thanks for your review, and I'll edit those words ASAP!


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Review #34, by rozen_maiden Love and Other Injuries

23rd July 2013:
I don't really have much to say other than I really liked this chapter. Your writing has improved tenfold since the beginning. Well done!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I like this one too. It shows more of her relationship with the marauders. I hope to hear more from you, and hope you enjoy the rest.

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Review #35, by rozen_maiden Too Perfect

23rd July 2013:
Hey, I'm back! This was a real good chapter to get the plotline of your story out there. I seriously had no idea what was going to happen, and it was honestly a bit of a shock. It's a really interesting concept that she could die if she used magic, and I think it's a really good idea. It says a lot about Dorcas and her family, as in the past you've described Harley as a bit weird and odd, so it makes sense that she's that way: the fact that she couldn't use magic, and they she won't use magic, really labels her as an outsider. I'm interested to see how Dorcas handles the situation herself, as it's a pretty ominous and serious future to be burdened with. You did a real good job describing her emotions when she was told about this event, and it was really quite easy to read. I got slightly confused about who was talking in the conversation with her and Dumbledore, but that could really be fixed with a 'Dumbledore said'. On the topic of Dumbledore as well, I think you handled him really well in this chapter. He is a real difficult character to master, and has so much about him that is displayed through actions, and you can really tell you did it as best you can. I could easily read it as if he were talking.

Same goes for the scene with Bella - I had no idea it was Bella until Sirius said, but once he did it was like a little light switched on in my head saying 'of course!' That was well-written, and Bella stayed true to her character. She's pretty complex behind her cruelty with her relationship with Sirius, but you handled it really well, so good job :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! That's why Harley is a bit forced and hostile.

I had a lot of trouble writing this scene, and I mean a lot. I edited it majorly a while ago. I'm happy you liked my Dumbledore though! He was hard, too.

I kind of like to do that, sorry. I don't know why, but I tend to keep characters hidden until the end. I like to make people think and have their own idea about who it could be before they actually know.

Thanks for reviewing again!


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Review #36, by MC_HK Truth or Death?

22nd July 2013:
This chapter was very interesting indeed! I liked the truth or dare aspect of it, and it was a pleasure to read. It was very funny, if not a bit vulgar. I'm not huge on the vulgarity, but it was minor and I brushed past it.

I'd really like to know whose funeral Sirius and Dumbledore went to, and why Dumbledore needed to be there. Also, what does Dorcas have to do with the Black family? I guess that will be answered later, but it's bothering the hell out of me lol. It would also help if after quotes you could put who is talking. I find myself getting rather confused when you only put the quote or a quote and a reaction from another character and I lose who was originally talking in the first place.

Good chapter, look forward to reading more. MC_HK

Author's Response: Hello again! I'm happy you liked that, and I'm sorry it was a bit too vulgar for you. I felt like that's the way teenagers are/act, so there you go (I did edit out some of the language in the previous chapter, and I think it sounds much better. Thank you for pointing that out.)

About the funeral, in the last chapter, I mentioned that Sirius' uncle had died. Did that not come across into this chapter? I hope it did. The Black family isn't as opaque and two-dimensional in my Harry Potter as it is in J.K. Rowling's. The family is going to come up a lot more in the story nearing the end.

I'm sorry for all the quoting errors. I didn't used to be very descriptive when I wrote who was talking, so I'll go back and edit that as well!

Thank you!


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Review #37, by rozen_maiden Play With Fire

21st July 2013:
So far, this story is fun and light-hearted to read, and I'm really enjoying it. I felt quite bad for Snape in this chapter, but it worked well, as I couldn't imagine Doe treating him any differently if she is truly friends with the marauders.

I enjoy the interactions with Doe and Sirius - their relationship is a lot deeper than it appears to be, and I can never predict what they'll be saying to each other next. Your dialogue works really well at conveying your characters emotions, and you can see it really clearly with Doe - it is like sometimes she says things without thinking.

Hestia confuses me a bit, as I feel like she holds a fair bit of power in the social circle. The same goes with Nick - I'd love to see him more. You've given him a real strong personality, and if Doe does get with Sirius, I can't imagine him taking it well.

Your plotline is flowing really well, and I'm enjoying the read. You've go a real talent for conveying your characters emotions through dialogue.

Author's Response: Thank you! I wasn't sure some people would understand why she's so mean to him, but I'm glad you got it.

Their relationship is very deeply rooted, and I think they would do anything for each other. That's also how Dorcas just is. Anything she wants to say kind of just slips out. I try to exaggerate in the first few chapters, because she really starts to change after the first few.

Hestia really just goes along for the ride. She's very sweet, and somewhat tactless. Dorcas doesn't really understand her ability to be nice all the time. They are more similar than Dorcas would ever admit, though.

You will definitely see more of Nick. It's a bit difficult to put him into scenes, because of his past with Dorcas. He will come into play much later, and he will become very important.

Thank you so much for everything you've said! I'm happy you're enjoying it so much, and thank you.


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Review #38, by marauderfan Play With Fire

21st July 2013:
Hello again :) here with your RR.

You've developed some interesting character relationships in this chapter. I found it really funny that Dorcas and Sirius dated and are still friends - but it explains why she knows so much about his family and about Remus. I had been wondering how she knew so much in the beginning of the chapter when that was first mentioned, but the explanation later of them dating cleared it up.

Also, I can see why Dorcas gets on well with the Marauders, as she comes across as quite confident and vain in this chapter! And quite rude to Snape. But she seems very different from the detached narrator of Chapter 1, which was odd. But I suppose that's because chapter 1 is set a few years previously? (The first chapter didn't give much of a sense of time, so I'm not sure.)

One thing I think I'd like to see more of is description. This chapter is mostly dialogue, which is great, but a little description/scene setting/action is nice once in a while too. What the classroom looks like, what people are doing as they speak, etc.

This is a good chapter though! Well done :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Dorcas is a confusing character. She has a different personality during the summer, I think. She is very close with the Marauders, and they make her more confident. She's quite blunt in the first chapter, because there's not really anything for her to be confident or happy about.

I'll try and add more description into the chapters when I go back and edit these first couple.

Thank you for the review!


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Review #39, by MC_HK All Of the Reasons Why

21st July 2013:
"It's up to you, but Dumbledore and myself strongly recommend never transforming again." I would fix this sentence up a bit. I don't know why, but it kind of doesn't flow well for me.

I've spotted a few minor words missing that mess up the flow for me as well, but it's because I'm a slow reader so I go through sentences very thoroughly. You can choose to fix those if you want. I've seen a lot of repetitive words and there is something about this chapter that seems very inconsistent, like a lot of your ideas don't really mesh up. I think it's because you have everything so separated in to paragraphs that it's hard to tell what idea ends where. The kind of short story that Lily tells in the middle of the chapter is also kind of weird for me, only because it's an odd transition within the story. I think if you had it so she was just telling Dorcas what happened instead of making it a mini-story in italics, it would flow better. There's an awful lot of cursing in this as well, to the point where it makes it kind of unpleasant to read.

I do have something nagging at the back of my head: I don't know if you're going to answer this in later chapters or if I've just forgotten, but how do they know how to do the tests on the blood? Is her condition just distinctive of her family, or is it rare but many other wizards have it? I think this should be elaborated on more.

"Getting angrier as I walked, my steps having a greater chance of cracking the marble beneath me." This is a tense problem, as it should be "my steps had a greater chance of cracking the marble beneath me."

I do like this chapter though. Sorry for a lot of criticisms. I don't mean to be harsh. You've still got a good plot going, I guess I'm just a bit over-eager to know where it's going. Anyways, have a good day :) MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you for everything you've said. This story was started when I was not that great of a writer, and when I didn't understand the concept of planning/plot holes. This was one of my least favorite chapters as well, and I think it's because it took me over a month too write it. I will definitely go back and edit this right now because you feel so strongly about it.

Thank you again!


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Review #40, by marauderfan Roses and Vanilla

19th July 2013:
Hello again - marauderfan here with your requested review.

This is a good second chapter, I enjoyed the anecdote about how Dorcas missed the train (and almost twice, at that!) Your characterisation of Dorcas is good, I'm beginning to get more of an idea of what she's like, and how her mouth isn't always connected to her brain. Characters like that are often a lot of fun :P I like that she's friends with the Marauders too. I kind of wonder what her friends (particularly Lily) think of that.

I still can't quite grasp what's going on with Harley, I'm not sure I understand her as a character yet. It seems like she's brash just like Dorcas, which makes sense, but doesn't really explain her standoffishness in the previous chapter. But since she's not going to Hogwarts, maybe part of it is jealousy of Dorcas?

Also, one thing I'd suggest is when Dorcas tells Lily about meeting Nick on the train, you probably don't have to repeat all the dialogue again, because as the reader I already know what happened. So I think it'd be fine to simply say that she told Lily, and then go into Lily's comments on it.

Lastly, and this isn't a big deal, but I found a couple of Americanisms - you said "mom" instead of "mum", and "chips" should be "crisps". ;)

Good work on this chapter!!

Author's Response: Thank you for that. I don't know if I explained it well enough, but that is just how Harley acts. It's mostly reserved for Dorcas, and I swear everything will be explained later!

Oh thank god! I didn't even think of that and it cuts out a lot of unnecessary talking.

Thank you, again, for the English help. I think my beta actually told me about those and I chose to defiantly ignore him.

Thank you for your review, and hope to hear more!


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Review #41, by MC_HK Step Two On My Way To Destruction

19th July 2013:
I really enjoyed this chapter. There was a lot of action and it kept me interested to the last word. Your description is awesome, an it helps me envision what you are imagining in your head as you write this. I like the slight bits of humor that don't make it 100% serious, and I was entertained all the way through. I really like the writing style you've achieved here, so keep it up :) MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I think this is chapter where I really expanded for some reason. I don't know, it seems I just got a lot better in this one.

Thank you again, and I look forward to hearing from you.


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Review #42, by MC_HK Love and Other Injuries

16th July 2013:
I won't mention the errors that I've pointed out in the other chapters, as they persist in these later ones and I'll just trust that you know what to look for when/if you rewrite these :) This will also make my reviews considerably shorter.

I see a few words that are missing letters and misplaced/misused words that kind of cause the flow to falter, but those can be quickly fixed. The overall flow, though, is very good. It's quick-paced for the most part and goes along smoothly.

"Not being rude, but Hestia's not really the brightest light on the Christmas tree." I like what you are trying to achieve with this sentence, but you don't really explain why Dorcas thinks of Hestia that way. If you could add in just a detail or two about why, then this sentence would make more sense.

You've got some good character interaction in this chapter. I love all the dialogue you have going on. I like the camaraderie you show between Dorcas and the Marauders in this chapter, giving the reader a sense of how close they really are. The imagery is really spot on, and has improved from your earlier chapters.

Always a good read, MC_HK

Author's Response: Thank you for saying that. I know I have an awful lot of mistakes, and I mean a lot, in the earlier chapters. Is it too fast? Because I have been known to write extremely quickly, and it's almost like an entire week is in one chapter sometimes.

I never actually thought of that, and it's interesting you say that. Maybe I will go more into depth with those little things I unfortunately just never think about too much.

Thank you for noticing my (small) improvement, and I hope you continue to. I think Dorcas realizes how much closer she is with the marauders than with Alice and Lily. I can't wait to hear from you again.


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Review #43, by MC_HK Too Perfect

15th July 2013:
Your description is good in this chapter; using different variations of saying things, facial expressions, etc. There are also a few lines in here that I find really compelling like, "Everything is better than a lie" and "I'm so perfect, I could die". Although, I'm still not sure exactly how I feel about Dorcas's character. Don't let that hinder you from requesting my reviews though. I'm always happy to help.

The same errors from my last review are still applicable to this chapter with an emphasis on the dialogue and who is speaking. I've found a few more though. I find that the transitions from one event to the next are very rocky. If you could find a way to smooth those about a little, it would greatly improve the flow of the story.

Your idea that her family dies young because of the perfect magic thing is interesting and I'm very intrigued. I hope this is better explained in later chapters, and if not, should be added in this chapter. It's something I don't really understand. One thing that kind of makes me question the story is, why would her grandmother die at 15? That means she would have been, what, 13 or 14 when she gave birth? I don't know, the thought of it being so young is very unsettling for me and doesn't really make sense. If she were 21, or just older than 15, it would make more sense to me.

Please don't let what I've said discourage you. Like I've said before, you have a good base for your story, and with some tweaking this can be great. You're a good writer :) Looking forward to reading more - MC_HK

Author's Response: Oh my gosh, I didn't even realize that she would have to have given birth that young. I cannot believe I missed that, and thank you for pointing it out. I knew this would be the most brutal chapter, because dumbledore is a menace to write. Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #44, by MC_HK Play With Fire

14th July 2013:
Inner monologue is awesome. I find this character to be really funny. One thing I do find kind of unsettling is her tendency to be vain. The conversations are well executed, and I find myself laughing quietly to myself several times throughout the chapter. The bit about Dorcas and Sirius dating was a bit of a shock, and I didn't see it coming. But, it was a nice bit of shock :)

There are some areas that I'd like it to be more clear who says what. I find myself guessing who is saying what, and a lot of the time when a conversation is going on I'll get lost. I soy some sentences that are missing a lot of words and really interrupt the flow of the story.

Please, don't get discouraged. You still have a lovely chapter, it just needs a little tweaking here and there to be the best chapter it can be! Have a good day, MC_HK :)

Author's Response: Ahh, thank you so much! The next few chapters are what I'm dreading hearing reviews on, because they are so badly done. I need to go over and edit thoroughly, and I'm glad you still enjoyed it. I tried to make it that Dorcas isn't particularly vain, she just knows how other people view her. Her head will shrink considerably, and you will see a big change in the upcoming chapters. Thanks again!

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Review #45, by MC_HK Roses and Vanilla

12th July 2013:
I like being able to clearly see the group dynamic with Alice, Lily, and Dorcas. Also, Dorcas' relationship with the Marauders is also introduced, and that's really important to me and helps me understand how she interacts with them later in the story. The dialogue is entertaining, and you do a good job with description. I'm also interested to see what Nick's part to play in all of this is later on.

There were a few errors that I noticed. I see a lot of very short, fragmented sentences that could have something added to them or run together. There were a few punctuation and grammar issues, but those can be fixed easily and didn't hinder the flow too much. Again, a good read :) MC_HK

Author's Response: Yes, sadly, that group dynamic will fade a bit, and I think that's something I messed up hugely on. I kind of forgot Lily and Alice for a little while. They have come back, and with major parts, but I kind of just let them hang in limbo for a while. I'm happy you're enjoying my writing, and Nick's character really does get immensely interesting (I love him). Thanks for the review!

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Review #46, by Curiosity is not a sin Roses and Vanilla

9th July 2013:
Hi there!

Just dropping by with the review you requested over at the forums :)

First off, your prologue is absolutely fantastic. It really draws the reader in, and the way you ended it is a great way to keep your audience hooked for the first chapter.

Your characterisation through your narrative is brilliant. It's a very difficult skill to have to make any form of text (especially in first person) become something exactly which matches the character's personality. I haven't read your entire fic, but from the narrative, I imagine your main character to be immature, somewhat irresponsible, a tomboy almost, and maybe self-defensive a lot of the time too. If you intend to portray her that way, good work!

It's also lovely seeing Marauder era character names come into canon. Although this brings me to the point of your main character where I think you can make a bit of an improvement :) Personally, I feel we need a bit more description on her. I know it's harder in first-person, but in all honesty, I couldn't tell you I can picture what she looks like. So a bit more description would be ace ^_^

I didn't come across any grammar issues so well done on that!

Good story so far! Keep it up and hope the review helped!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for getting on this! I wasn't so sure about my first chapter, so it's nice to hear some recognition. I do have a beta (guilty as charged) so there's my grammar proficiency. I tried to make her an archetype Gryffindor (immature, rash) so I guess I did that pretty well.This was really helpful, and I hope to be hearing from you again!

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Review #47, by CrimsonCharmRose Confusion Garnished With Lies

18th June 2013:
you must write more! I'm intrigued by your story

Author's Response: Ahh thank you! I will soon enough.

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Review #48, by dracogirll Roses and Vanilla

21st April 2013:
Wow this one is so long. I really liked it :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

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Review #49, by WoodenFences We're All Conflicted

21st March 2013:
Sorry I haven't been reviewing, but this is just so good, I had to get to the next chapter asap! NEVER stop writing this... I'm being sirius...

Author's Response: I'm so happy you're back again. This is so encouraging, it's ridiculous. I'm working on another chapter and I hope to get out two more over spring break. Thank you for your punny joke. :)

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Review #50, by WoodenFences Subjectively Ugly

28th February 2013:
WOW. This chapter seemed endless. And it was amazing!! Every time I thought it was over, there was more story! That made me oh, so happy, and I'm really upset now that it's over. :( Thanks for the update though!

Author's Response: I'm so happy you came back to read it! Thanks again.

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