Reading Reviews for What If?
  
51 Reviews Found

Review #26, by soapman333 Mixed Memories

24th February 2013:
What a fun short story! Actually, it isn't fun, it all sorts of sad, but I enjoyed reading it anyways.

I write next gen stories all the time. I don't really know why, perhaps because it has so much you can work with?

This is a very interesting take on the Scorpius/Rose pairing! Very different from the usual stuff, so it was very intriguing.

Thanks for the fun read, 10/10
soapman333 (Jack)

Author's Response: Hi Jack!

Yes it is rather sad, but I'm glad that you had fun reading it anyway!

This is acutally my first nex gen story, as I'm more of a Marauders fan myself, but I do agree, it's fun that you can basically write whatever you want.

I'm glad that you thought it was an unusual take, as that's what I was aiming to do!

Thanks for the great review,

-Kiana :D


 Report Review

Review #27, by solana Mixed Memories

20th February 2013:
Thought I'd add my review here. I'm really liking this one, and I had some extra time, so ...

Yes, I agree with the others that you really have Rose down pat. As a character she's multi-dimensional and like everyone is flawed. I like how you're allowing us to get into her thoughts both when she interacts with others and when she's thinking.

I do feel strongly that she got together with Xander very much on the rebound. So we'll just have to see how you choose to handle it. I feel she's still very much in love with Scorpius and maybe he's really the one for her. We'll have to see in which direction you choose to take them.

I also agreed about some of the sentence structure. Nothing serious, just some commas where sentences just needed to be broken up some.

And we'll know more about Al and Dom as the story unfolds. Of course, as a diehard Scorose fan, I'm absolutely dreading this wedding. Are you really, really going to have them get marrried?

Author's Response: Hi thanks for stopping by and leaving a review!

I'm glad that you're liking Rose, as I find it hard to give characters flaws as I feel mean, but I'm glad that you feel that she has some:)

Yes her and Xander did get together on the rebound, but she does genuinely have feelings for him. Her and Scorpius are very complex, and I do think there is a part of her that still loves him, but I can't say more, as it would ruin the story ;)

I'll look over the sentences and add some commas.

Al and Dom do feature more in the latter part of the story, so don't worry about that:D The wedding is exciting, I hope I won't disappoint you, but I can't really say anymore about it;)

-Kiana


 Report Review

Review #28, by Arithmancy_Wiz Mixed Memories

16th February 2013:
Hello again, p_c. I'm here with one of your staff reviews for the Review-A-Thon challenge.

I'm really enjoying the way you're continuing to develop Rose's character here. We get to see her interact with her friends, her parents and Scorpius -- each adding a little bit to our understanding of who she is. It's nice to see she has some dimension. On the one hand, she's clearly very close to Dom and Albus, and yet she's got a bit of an independent streak too, when she talks about not being free anymore to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. And just as a funny coincidence, I have Albus marrying a girl named Amelia in one of my stories too!

Meeting the parents: yikes! That can be scary, though things seemed to go pretty well, all things considered. It's cute how you have Ron actually preferring Scorpius to Xander. It seems like he cares more about Rose being happy than an old childhood grudge. Obviously you hinted at the end that things weren't always perfect for Rose and Scorpius, but since everyone around her seems to think he's such a great guy, I can't help but wonder what finally drove them apart. Was it just the thing with Penny, or is there more to it...

It would be great to see some more of the present action, in addition to the flashbacks -- more of Rose getting ready for the wedding, more of her thoughts on Xander, etc. I'm actually rather curious about him. Clearly she's still hung up a bit on Scorpius, seeing as she's thinking a lot about him on her wedding day, so I can't help but wonder what kind of man Xander is in comparison.

If you're up for a little CC, I'd suggest focusing in on your use of run-on sentences. Throughout the chapter, there are a lot of long sentences held together by commas, but the comma isn't a strong enough form of punctuation to hold two or more complete sentences together. Of course, the comma is one of the hardest forms of punctuation to get right (I mess them up all the time), but if you focus on breaking up your long sentences into several smaller ones, they will not only be more grammatically correct, they will also make your story a lot more reader-friendly. I've pulled a few examples out to highlight what I mean:

-- I hated that fact, it wasn't my fault who my parents are, I didn't ask to receive their fame.

-- After all we all were pretty close, my parents and Uncle Harry used to call us the next generation of the Golden Trio, obviously without all the battling dark wizards and defeating Voldemort.

-- "You may have a good thing going on actually Dom, it's a lot less hassle, I mean remember the first time Scorpius met my parents, to say that was awkward would be an understatement," I said, and my thoughts drifted back to that eventful first meeting.

In the first sentence, each section before the comma is a complete sentence. That means you need more than a comma to string them together. You could use a semi-colon or a dash, or add in a conjunction, but as a general rule, if the sentence fragment can stand on its own as a sentence, a simple comma isn't enough. You could do something like:

-- I hated that fact; it wasn't my fault who my parents are, and I didn't ask to receive their fame. --OR-- I hated that fact. It wasn't my fault who my parents are. I didn't ask to receive their fame. --OR-- I hated that fact - it wasn't my fault who my parents are; I didn't ask to receive their fame.

The combinations are pretty endless, and the same is true for the other lines as well.

-- After all, we all were pretty close; my parents and Uncle Harry used to call us the next generation of the Golden Trio, but obviously without all the battling dark wizards and defeating Voldemort.

-- "You may have a good thing going on actually, Dom. It's a lot less hassle - I mean remember the first time Scorpius met my parents? To say that was awkward would be an understatement..."

Just remember that (most of the time) commas are not enough to hold together two complete sentences.

Thanks for selecting me as one of your staff reviewers, and thanks for participating in the Review-A-Thon. Best of luck with your story. It's already off to a great start!

Author's Response: Hi, thank you for leaving such a detailed review!

I'm glad that you're liking Rose's character, as I feel she's such a complex one given what her parents are like! I'm glad that you picked up on the fact that they are in fact two sides to her, and she can be close, yet private at the same time.

That is a concidence! I didn't really think much about the name, it was the first which popped into my head, and it seemed approriate so I just went with it!

I'm glad that you liked that Ron and Scorpius got along. As I do think that Ron would be mature enough now, to put behind a school day enemy, and try and please his daughter. Yes everyone did seem to like Scorpius, and I can't really say what happened, as that will be revealed in the next chapter!

I do agree that in this chapter there isn't that much in the present tense, or that much related to the wedding. I'll go back and see what I can add in:)

Yes comma's are very tricky, and I never seem to get them right! Thank you for your suggestions on where to include some, or add some periods. It really helps, as it makes me realise where I should include them, so hopefully I can learn from it!

Thank you for such a great and helpful review! I really enjoyed the review-a-thon, and hopefully they'll be another one!

-Kiana :D


 Report Review

Review #29, by hplover987 The Trigger

12th February 2013:
Hplover987 here with your review! In the first part it was nice seeing Rose flustered and reading the obvious expectations expected of her. And learning about some of her past e.g. Scorpius and Xander. But I still don't know how old she is? It was just something I was wondering. Maybe you could add some bits in. Just a suggestion.

I really liked the first flashback, or whatever you want to call it. Perhaps seeing Rose more nervous would be nice, but I liked that she was shocked about being sorted into Ravenclaw and confused about what to do afterwards. And Scorpius's sorting made me think of Harry's. I don't know if you were going for that, but that's what I got. I did notice some grammar stuffs - like to instead of too, nothing major.

The next part was good, Rose with her bridemaids. Having the shock of Scorpius moving back deserved her reaction. Maybe one of her bridesmaid's could have reacted back though? And his job in Switzerland could have been phrased differently to make it more believable - e.g. "Everyone knows auror work has gone down there, especially after the peace agreement,". It's up to you though! Also you wrote "Can" when it should have been "Can't". Probably just a typing error. I really liked Rose being with her girls though! It felt believable and there was a closeness between them that you would expect between cousins.

and the last flashback was really good. You had the info first that clued you up. It's nice to see Rose not hating him first. And finding out about their personalities as well. The only think I'd say is twenty minutes is a long time. They've never kissed before and they're both sixteen at the oldest. Maybe tone it down a little? I'm just talking from personal experience. With them fancying one another for so long you don't want it to turn Hollywood cliche. I enjoyed it, but some people are picky.

I like how in this chapter you get to see both her present and past, and how she reached the present kind of. I hope you'll be keeping this up throughout the whole story. I really enjoyed it! Bare in mind my CC and please give me feedback!

Author's Response: Hi! Sorry I took a while to respond life came by :(

Ooh I didn't think about including her age, as I wrote all of the story in one go, I included it later on and didn't mention it at the beginning, I think I'll go back and add it in.

I'm glad that you liked the sorting, as I thought it was rather sweet myself, yes I was thinking about Harry's and all of the pressure on him, but then I thought I would add even more with him being a Ravenclaw.

I'm glad that you liked the bridesmaid scene, and I would include the reaction thing, but she's just with Dom at that point, so it might be alittle tricky, as the whole scene may have to be altered, it's a great idea though. Wah probably a typo I always seem to miss those, I'll go back and sort it out.

I'm glad that you liked her relationship with her cousins as I find it hard to write, and deciding how close they should be hard was hard as well.

Yes I've read so many storie where Rose hated him, so I thought I would change it, and make them friends, as I don't think love can blossom from hate. Yes now I think about it that kiss may have been a bit extreme, I'll probably go back and change it, and the thing about them liking one another, I'll try and change it a bit to make it less cliche.

Thank you for you review, I found it was really useful :)


 Report Review

Review #30, by 800 words of heaven The Trigger

8th February 2013:
REVIEW TAG!

I think I've read at least one chapter of almost everything you've written by now... and it's because I really enjoy reading your stuff!

Okay, so the last thing I read by you was the ghoul story, and this obviously, is nothing like the ghoul story, which is actually my comfort zone, reading wise, in the sense that I tend to read things with humour in them. Also, I'm a pretty hardcore ScoRose shipper, so this first chapter is breaking my heart - but in a good way!

I can get where Rose is coming from, what with the whole pressure thing and getting married, and just not being sure about what she wants from life. It's something that I think everyone faces at some point in their lives, where they're second-guessing every decision, and picking apart where things could have been so different, so it's really nice to read something like that!

I actually really like Scorpius so far as well, which is weird because we have little to no idea what he's like in the present. But I liked that he's different. The way you described him at the Sorting I think was really telling of his character overall, and I hope you develop those traits later on!

Anyways, I had fun reading the chapter, and I look forward to reading more!

Author's Response: Hello!

Aw I'm glad that you've read nearly everything I've written, it's made my day!

Ha this is actually more my comfort zone than the ghoul story, which is odd as I'm suppose to be writing out of my comfort zone, oh well!

I'm glad that you could get where Rose is coming from, because despite being part of the golden trio, probably a lot of people have been through a time in their lives where they're not sure they're making the best decision or not!

Yay you like Scorpius, yes he does change a little when he gets older, but I guess most people tend to change:) And his Ravenclaw traits do pop up now and then!

I'm glad that you had fun reading this chapter, and thank you again for the lovely review!


 Report Review

Review #31, by AriesGirl40 Mixed Memories

8th February 2013:
amazing boyfriend and Rose is going to through it away because of lack of sleep and stress. Maybe they shouldn't have moved in with each other while going through the beginnings of school?
Good update :)

Author's Response: Thank you for taking your time to review! Yeah I guess Rose being very stressed was not going to help the situation. Yeah I guess the reason for them moving in together, was to show that it was a bad decision and to look at the consequences of it all! I'm glad that you liked it, and the next chapter will be up soon:)

 Report Review

Review #32, by Arithmancy_Wiz The Trigger

7th February 2013:
Hi, pc. Thanks for the post on my status update. One shiny new review headed your way...

I was really excited to see that this was a Next-Gen story. That's absolutely my favorite era to read. And what a great point in time to kick off your story, the last few minutes before Rose's wedding! I love the idea of starting a ScoRose story just before Rose is about to marry someone who ISN'T Scorpius. You've already got me wondering how these two will find their way back to each other and what drove them so far apart.

You've made a lot of interesting character choices here too. Rose clearly feels a lot of pressure to be perfect, and Scorpius isn't at all the carbon-copy of Draco he's often portrayed as. It's great that you're adding your own twist to a common pairing. And I loved the mention of the "hat stall." What a cute term!

It was great to see you working to weave in some backstory without just providing a list of everything Rose has gone through in the past. I would say that it isn't really necessary to italicize the moments since it's really clear all on its own that these are Rose's reflections, due mostly to the switch to past-tense. There were also a few instances where you were missing some commas, and also had some where they weren't needed, but otherwise the chapter read pretty cleanly.

Thanks again for replying to my post. Good luck with the rest of your story!

Author's Response: Hello AW thank you for the much appreciated shiny review ;D

I'm glad that you liked the idea of the story starting on Rose's wedding, I thought it would be a fun twist especially as the person she's about to marry isn't Scorpius! I was wondering whether that would annoy people, so I'm glad that you liked it!

I'm glad that you liked the character choices, I tried to alter them from the usual ones we tend to see in the next gen era, so I'm glad that you liked it.

Unfortunatly I can't claim credit to the 'hat stall', that came off of Pottermore as Hermione and Neville suffered from one. I thought it would be a fun addition to include, and I'm glad that you noticed it, as no one else had!

Yes someone commented on the italics, now that I think about it, I'll probably remove them, as you don't really need them. It's just I've read stories where you suddenly jump to the past without realising and I didn't want that to be the case in this one:)

Commas! The bane of my life! Every time I think I finally sorted them out, they appear again! I'll have another read through and attempt to place them more approriatly, but knowing me it sill won't work!

Thank you for the lovely review, it was really helpful!


 Report Review

Review #33, by cypress The Trigger

7th February 2013:
Hi there! cypress here with your requested review. I'm terribly behind on online things, so I apologize for taking so long to get to you. Anyway, thanks for the request, and I hope you find this helpful. :)

First, I'll start with just a few of the things you did well. You clearly have a knack for narration. Your narrator's voice is very strong and that can be a very important part of telling a good story and keeping the story moving. I can also see what you were trying to do with separating the present and the past, and I think that your pacing is really good as far as how quickly you reveal information. Also, I liked the phrase "silenced him with a kiss". It was a nice way to end it.

As far as things that could be improved, one thing I noticed is that your tense seems to go back and forth between present and past. I think uniformity in verb tense is really important when you're telling a story - are you telling us about this all having happened in the past? Or are we experiencing this all along with you?

Also, while I get that the italics were intended to indicate that the story is being told in the past, I don't know that it's necessary, especially since your protagonist is the one telling the story. Because your story is first-person perspective, I think that you could accomplish the same thing, and keep the story flowing a bit more smoothly, by perhaps using transitional sentences like, "This made me think of the time when." and then explain what you were thinking about. If you are consistent with your verb tenses, you can simply change your tense during those parts of the story. For example, if your main story is in present tense (I am), then your background information would be past tense (I was). If your main story is past tense (I was), then you'd change to past perfect (I had been). That will help keep your story moving and the reader with the narrator in the 'present', even when the narrator explains things that happened in the past.

Finally, one other area that I think you could work on to enhance your story a bit is with your description of actions. You have very detailed dialogue (which is great!) but I'd love to know more about what's going on other than what's being said and how the person is saying it. What are they doing with their hands? What does their face look like? A detail or two like that will help give your characters personality.

Anyway, those are just a few suggestions I thought of while reading. I do hope you find that helpful. Thanks again for the review request, and let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks!
cypress

Author's Response: Hello can I just thank you for taking your time to leave such a detailed review!

I'm glad that you liked my narration, as I didn't think it was particularly good, and no one ever really said anything about it, so I assumed it was!

Oh yes tenses, it is harder switching from them, hence the mishaps! I'll make sure I'll read it back over, and that there's uniformity!

Yes someone else commented that they felt that they didn't need italics, so perhaps I'll get rid of them, I just don't want some readers getting confused!

Yes I have noticed that the actions aren't described in a lot of detail, so I'll read that over, and add some in!

Thanks for the review, it was really helpful!


 Report Review

Review #34, by AlexFan Mixed Memories

6th February 2013:
You switched verb tenses at one point and there were very few grammatical errors but I enjoyed the chapter otherwise.

Rose seems very stubborn and headstrong. I didn't really understand why she was mad at Scorpius for not doing anything wrong and helping a drunk person home.

She does seem to have the Weasley pride in her and I didn't expect Ron to immediately get along with Scorpius. You said that he held a grudge against the Malfoy's so I assumed that he'd be at least a little bit hard on Scorpius.

Anyway, good chapter!

Author's Response: Hi thanks for taking your time to review! Yeah this grammar issues keep on appearing, I found a cool grammar checking site though which should help;) I think the reason why Rose was mad, is more the moment of anger, and like I said in the summary, when Rose does lose her logical side of her, she doesn't always merge well with reality. I also think if anyone sees their boyfriend with another woman even if they're helping them, they still probably would be angry!

Yeah I guess with Ron it's more that usually they portray him to be angry and hating Scorpius which is a bit unrealistic. I wanted to show that Rose thought he would hate him, but in fact even she can be wrong at times!


 Report Review

Review #35, by adluvshp Mixed Memories

6th February 2013:
Here for your requested review, and happy valentines review-a-thon by the way =)

I liked this chapter too, though I think that the previous one was a little better. I understand that when writing such a story, balancing the story between past and present can be a little difficult, so I have to appreciate your effort =)

However, you managed to maintain the balance quite well in the first chapter, but your concern was right since I felt that the balance was not maintained very well in this one as your flashbacks were a little too extended and sort of dominating. I'd suggest to cut down on the flashbacks a little. I especially think that the "first meeting" one has a few unnecessary things like Rose explaining how she wouldn't have the whole meet the parents thing, or explaining why they were meeting at the paper shop. I think that when writing flashbacks, the focus should simply be on the main element and not other minor details.

Like you said in your concern, Rose is not very reflective/deep in the present indeed, so my suggestion would be to add more of her to the present, and reduce some extra details in the flashbacks, to make the story flow better.

Since you said that the error free version of the chapter is in the queue, I wont comment on the grammar. However, I'd definitely say to polish the tenses in your narrative - ensure that you maintain one tense in the present narration, and one in the flashback, since you switched in some places a few times. Also, to work on your sentence phrasing =)

Addressing your final concern, I'd say that the first fight is not too early, since these are flashbacks anyway, so you need not worry about that. The fight itself was not brief, but I feel that if you touch more on Rose's feelings/emotions during it, it would be nicer. The first fight should have more impact on her than you portrayed, so I'd suggest to focus more on her feelings besides the "action" of the scene.

Over all, I like your plot though, and Rose seems to be well written. I like the relationships you have built around her, and the minor/supporting characters too like Dom and Al. I look forward to how you develop them further, as I have a positive feeling about the story that it is headed in a good direction. The pace seems to be good, as you're not rushing into the story and not taking it too slow either, which is nice.

So, I'd say that you have lots of room for improvement so keep writing. I hope I addressed all your concerns and that I didn't come across as too harsh.

Feel free to re-request!

Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Hi Aditi thank you so much for taking your time to leave such a detailed review!

I have to agree to, that I much preferred the first chapter, I think it just worked more effectively than this one!

I did realise that the balance went a lot in this chapter, which I somehow managed to maintain in the first! You'll be pleased to know that I've already noted your suggestions and gone back and edited it again (I hope the validators don't get annoyed my editing spree:/), as they were all really helpful.

I have added more stuff to the second present scene, as that seemed to lack Rose's feeling, so I added in some deeper thoughts in there, and more feeling in the fight scene, as when I read it back, I noticed that was something it really lacked!

I'm glad that you liked her relationship with Dom and Al, and I hope it will feature more in the next couple of chapters, but it's just hard to fit them in the flashbacks as they're more focused on Scorpius!

You didn't come across harsh! I love your reviews, as you don't skirt round the edges like other people do, so I don't know how to improve which is the main purpose of requesting a review!

Thanks again for a great review, it was so helpful! Kiana :D


 Report Review

Review #36, by bri_5_stars The Trigger

5th February 2013:
Hi! Review swapping!
This is the kind of plot that I look for when reading a ScoRose. The fact that it was a ScoRose just made me want to read it more. It is well detailed, as well as with a good introductory back story to help the reader figure out what is going on. If there were anything I would change, is maybe develop the characters a bit more, and it being a ScoRose try to avoid the cliches unless that is what you are going for. Anywho, great start of a story and I look forward to reading the rest. :D

Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad that this is the plot you look for, as I think it hopefully brings a new perspective to their relationship! I'm glad that you found it detailed enough, and it had enough of a backstory. I will develop the characters more, it's just harder to do when you switch time periods:( Thanks for the great review, and I hope you enjoy chapter 2!

 Report Review

Review #37, by GrangerDanger76 Mixed Memories

5th February 2013:
Hey! I really liked this chapter and am now very excited to see what happens at the wedding. I love the way you've set up the flashbacks to sorta allude to the whole sco/rose part. I also really like how you showed the relationship between Dom, Albus, and Rose because it brings some light to the story to see her interacting with her family.

Great Job! :)

Camille

Author's Response: Hi! I'm so glad that you liked this chapter, but I hate to say, the wedding scene is still a couple of chapters away so you'll have to wait for that! Yeah I thought the best way to be do a lot of flashbacks as you get an idea of their relationship, and I could choose the most poignant moments of it! I'm glad that you liked Dom and Albus as I feel as if I'm neglecting them:( They will feature more in the next chapter though!

Thanks for the review, Kiana:)


 Report Review

Review #38, by Courtney Dark Mixed Memories

5th February 2013:
Hey again! And I'm so happy you re-requested:)

I have to admit, I certainly do have a soft spot for ScoRose and this one is very different from any others I've read-in a typical ScoRose Rose is pining for/loathes Scorpius and they eventually get together but in this one they've already been together and now, for some strange reason, have broken up. And I only say it's strange because it is clear to me that Rose still has intense feelings for Scorpius. So why is she marrying this Xander guy? Does she actually have any real feelings for him, too? I'm very curious to find out.

I really liked the reference to Rose, Dom and Albus being the golden trio, and then how you compared this trio to Harry, Ron and Hermione. I would love to learn more about the personalities of all three of these characters, and I really hope to see you developing them even more in the next chapters, because characterizations, of course, are key to great writing. Well, in my opinion anyway.

You do a really good job easing into the flashbacks without making it feel awkward or unnatural, and I love the background information that the flashbacks give us. Scorpius and Rose's back story is really, really interesting and I think you have written their past extremely well-and very originally, too. For future reference, however, I'd make sure to have a good balance between both flashbacks and the present times-and also be careful with your dialogue. I couldn't help but notice that some sentences were a little long and had commas rather that full stops or no punctuation at all. But that's honestly only a minor thing in a very good chapter.

I really liked the first meeting between Scorpius and Rose's family. The idea of Scorpius playing chess with Ron was great, and I love how you kept your characterization of Ron very true to the books.

Overall, I think this was a great chapter, and I'm very interested to find out what happens next.

Courtney:)

Author's Response: Hey Courtney thanks for another lovely review!

I'm glad that you found this story different to other Scorose's as that's my aim for this story. I guess with the whole Rose/Scorpius/Xander love triangle, it will probably become clearer in the next chapter, as it does have quite a few reasons. And I guess I can say this, Rose does like Xander she's just very confused, as she only got together with him straight after breaking up with Scorpius so it too her a long time for her to get used to that, so she's still kind of doubting it.

Yeah I realised that this is next gen, so why not make a joke about their being a next generation of the golden trio. Yeah I do feel bad about kind of ignoring Dom and Al considering their her best friends, so I'll make sure they feature more in the next chapter :D

And with this chapter I leant more towards the flashbacks than the present, so I'll make it more in the present, and you can learn more about Dom and Al that way ;D

I've just edited this chapter, so hopefully those grammar issues have gone!

I'm glad that you liked the first meeting, as I wasn't sure whether to include that scene or not, so yay! And I'm glad that you found Ron was true to his original version as I like to try and stick to the way JK portrayed them.

Thanks for the great review, as it was really helpful, and I'll keep in mind the suggestions! The next chapter should be up next week, so you'll see me back then! Kiana


 Report Review

Review #39, by Siriusly89 Mixed Memories

5th February 2013:
Chapter Two!

I am loving these flashbacks! The first meeting between Ron, Hermione and Scorpius was really refreshing! Usually they just hate him and tell Rose 'you ever see him again and your dead!' and Rose would be all like 'but I love him' thus starting this secret romance thing! Whereas is this one, they actually liked him! So hats off to you!

Their first fight was interesting too! Scorpius being a 'serial flirt' is quite a common trait, but the way you did it put a whole new spin on the whole shebang!

I wait in anticipation for an update :P

Author's Response: Ah your back! Thanks you for leaving another review!

I'm so glad that you loved the flasbacks as I really like them as well, as they reveal so much more to the story.

I've read that secret romance thing so many times, I just wanted to make a change. I think Hermione would like him anyway, as she doesn't tend to stereotype. With Ron he is accepting, I mean look at him and Luna. He just needed some time to get around to the fact:)

I'm glad that you found the first fight interesting, and yeah I was worried about Scorpius being a serial flirt, so it's good that you found it different.

Thanks again for the awesome review, and there should be another chapter up in under week!


 Report Review

Review #40, by Siriusly89 The Trigger

5th February 2013:
Hi there!

I love Scorose! And this one has a twist!

Rose is still obviously in love with Scorpius, so why on earth is she marrying this Xander guy? Kick him to the curb and get on with the Scorpius loving! Right now!

Victoires line about bridesmaids looking 'virginal' was very funny! It was a sneaky bit of humor, which is my favourite kind :P

The part about Scorpius moving back from Switzerland because they were too 'peace-loving' also made me laugh! This story has a kind of dry wit about it, sort of snarky and sharp, which I love! I trawl through the archives looking for snarkiness:P Hee!

The memories were also very cute, especially Rose and Scorpius' first kiss! It was one of those 'awh!' moments :)

Really good story so far! I am intrigued :P

Author's Response: Hey!

Yeah I love Scorose to, and I'm glad that you noticed the twist, as I wanted to put a spin on the usual story!

Haha yeah I guess Rose's love for Scorpius is very complicated and her for love for Xander is also complicated, and you find out more as the story goes on, so perhaps you'll be wanting to kick Scorpius to the curb;)

Yay! Your the first person to pick out Victoire's line, and I wanted to include it, as I can imagine she quite likes her image, being the daughter of Fleur, so of course she'll care if she doesn't look virginal!

And yay for Switzerland, it is a lovely place, but I agree with Dom, I doubt you would find dark wizards there, so no wonder Scorpius is coming back!

I'm glad that you liked their first kiss, as it was hard work to write!

Thanks you for the review, it made me laugh!


 Report Review

Review #41, by teh tarik The Trigger

5th February 2013:
Hello there! teh tarik from the forums here with your requested review :)

So congrats on writing your first next gen fic! This is quite a lovely piece, actually, and a really strong first chapter to your story. I'm so glad you chose to use first person POV, because you do this very well. Rose's voice is really clear and strong and I'm glad that the melodrama is at a minimum :) Angsty first person POV fics can sometimes be excessively sentimental (baha I'm guilty of this sometimes :P ) and a bit difficult to wade through the narrator's internal monologues, but I think you did a wonderful job here. As a character, Rose is sensible, straightforward but also sensitive and vulnerable at times, and I think this is a lovely combination of characteristics. The language is simple but effective, and your opening sentences were really strong and captivating.

I also love your depiction of Scorpius :) I'm just so glad he isn't an imitation of Draco; in fact he's completely his own character. He's a little awkward, which I really like - especially towards the end of the chapter where he sort of kisses Rose and then instantly apologises and when he discovers that his feelings for her are reciprocated, apologises for apologising :P This is a lovely moment and it is a lovely detailed scene - on the Astronomy Tower, the two of them being typical Ravenclaws and doing their homework and all... It's these sorts of details that really make a relationship memorable and intimate and convincing. I would love to see more of such moments in your story.They would really give a stronger sense of the characters, and show the development of the relationship between Rose and Scorpius.

In your Areas of Concern you mentioned being worried about the time shifts and whether this is confusing. Nope, not at all. After all, you make it very clear by italicising the flashbacks. Before the flashbacks begin, you also have sentences, which signal to the reader that there is going to be a time shift, e.g. these sentences: I guess the best place to start would be my first encounter with Scorpius Malfoy. and when the flashback ends: I'm pulled back to the present by the arrival of my three bridesmaids... To be honest, I think this is a bit too much, and I would suggest you either leave out those sentences or you incorporate the italicised flashbacks into the present unitalicised narrative. For example, if you want to keep the italics and flashbacks and take the reader out of the present moment to show a segment of Rose's past - when the flashback ends, instead of telling us that the flashback has ended, you could just begin the sentence with "My three bridesmaids arrived..." OK, this might sound a little confusing; I don't know if I've explained this clearly so if you have any questions, do please PM me or something. At any rate, whatever I'm saying here are all suggestions, and as this is your story it's completely up to you whether you choose to take up my words or not :)

Another thing about this chapter is that it begins at a very significant moment in Rose's life - her wedding, whether she's entirely happy to be married to this Xander Zabini or not. I think you need to provide more context to the present moment, about the impending ceremony, her family and everything. And you might need to develop a little bit more about this Zabini person. I know this is the first chapter and all, but so far your flashbacks and moments of the past are much stronger and more well-developed than the moments in present. I know that Rose is probably happier with the past, but still, there would be a greater sense of balance in your story if both timelines are developed equally.

OK, finally, there are grammatical and punctuation errors here and there but I'm not going to pick them out. Perhaps you or your beta might sit down and go through this chapter carefully to correct them :)

Well, all in all, this is a really great start to your story! It's quite a complex story so far, with its time shifts and sensitive characterisation and I'm really interested to see how this turns out! I hope this review is of some use to you (and hopefully not too critical)! Thanks for requesting :)

-teh

Author's Response: Hi, thanks so much for leaving such a detailed review, I can tell you put a lot of time into it:)

I'm glad that you liked the first chapter, as I have no experience at all in next gen so I was a little worried about writing it!

I'm so glad that you liked Rose, as she's one of my favourite characters so it was so important for me to get her personality right!

I hate it when people make Scorpius identical to Draco, so I wanted to put a spin on the usual him! Haha as I much as I love Ravenclaws I've always imagined them more socially awkward than the other houses. Hence Scorpius being awkward over the first kiss, and of course it would only happen after they've done their homework! I'm glad that you found it realistic, as I was wondering whether that scene was a little too cliche or not:)

Woo the time shifts worked! That is a good point about removing or alterting the shift back to the present sentence, as it does disrupt the flow a little. It's just sometimes it's confusing I wanted to make it as obvious as possible:)

Also including more details about the wedding is a great idea as well, as given that it's so important I should devote my chapter time to it.

Yeah I have tendency to prefer writing the flashbacks than the present scenes, as they're more fun to do! I'll have to make sure I include more detail about the present as someone else mentioned that as well.

I just edited the chapter so hopefully the grammar/punctuation errors have gone, but I'll make sure that I have another read through as well, to be 100% sure:D

This review was really helpful, as it helped me identify where there are some gaps in my story, so hopefully I can pad that out! I didn't find it too critical it was really useful actually! Thanks for the great review, Kiana :)


 Report Review

Review #42, by AlexFan The Trigger

4th February 2013:
RAVENCLAW REVIEW!

Anyway, I really liked this for a first try for Next Generation. There were some very minor grammar errors that unless you were looking for them you wouldn't notice and it didn't at all interrupt the flow of the writing.

Usually, when authors switch between the past and the present, it gets a little bit awkward and hard to read and it just doesn't flow well but you pulled it off really well.

Rose also seems very believable so great job on that and yeah, I thought this was really well done!

Author's Response: Woo for the Ravenclaw review ta!

I'm glad that you liked my first attempt, as I wasn't too sure about it myself. I will look over those errors.eventually, it's just so tedious!

I'm glad that the flashbacks worked as I have seen some truly awful ones before, so I really didn't want mine to be like that!

Thanks for the great review!


 Report Review

Review #43, by aquabluez17 Mixed Memories

4th February 2013:
Hey Kiana! Here from the review tag =)

I really loved this update for this story!

The flashbacks were not too long and they did help us understand what happened. One thing I noticed was that Rose's voice sounded very different in the flashbacks compared to the present. She was explaining every little thought she had which she kind of doesn't do in the present.

Besides that I think this was great =) Update soon!

Great banner btw

Author's Response: Hey Mya nice to see you again!

I'm glad that the flashbacks weren't too long as I they were longer in this chapter, so I was worried about that! Yeah I guess the reason behind Rose sounding different, is becasue she's had more time to reflect in the flashbacks, and have deeper thougts! Where as in the present she's just thinking of the moment and not much more! I'll try and make her more in depth in the present though, so it matches up more!

I've written most of the chapters already for once ;) So this story should have quick updates! Yeah I love my banner to, I never thought it would be this awesome, those people at TDA really are talented!


 Report Review

Review #44, by slayground The Trigger

3rd February 2013:
Molly here from team bronze!

First of all, loved this. Rose's doubt was portrayed very realistically and not over-the-top, which is something I really enjoy. I'm never one for an over-emphasis on things; I think that portraying things more subtly instead of all in-your-face is a lot more impactful when it comes to writing, and you did a good job of that, so kudos.

I'm not such a Scorose shipper, but I did find their relationship believable how you portrayed it. My only warning would be to make sure it doesn't become too cheesy or overdone - Scorose is one of those ships, like Jily or Dramione, that has a tendency to become cliche rather quickly, so that's just something I can keep an eye out for ;) remember, out-of-the-box thinking is ALWAYS your friend, especially when it's for a ship like this one.

Really well done, all in all. I'm excited to read more :)

xx Molly

Author's Response: Hey! I'm glad that you liked Rose's portrayal as I enjoyed writing her! Yeah I know what you mean about not making Scorose cheesy or overdone, as that's annoying to read, I think that my story isn't go to end up like that, as I think the ending will be quite different to most Scorose stories ;D

Thanks for the lovely review, Kiana x


 Report Review

Review #45, by adluvshp The Trigger

3rd February 2013:
Review tag!

Ah this sounds like a lovely story and I cant wait to see what comes next!

I think you have portrayed Rose and her doubt about Xander well, and I love the little flashbacks as they add so much more to the story. I also liked the glimpse into Scorpius and Rose's relationship, and how they bonded over the sorting =) The whole wedding scenario concept is also well-thought and very interesting, especially with Scorpius moving back to London, so I'd like to see where the story heads from here.

I like your writing style since you managed to give in a lot of information in this first chapter itself without making it boring at all. I am liking your characterisation too, and of course your plot.

You have a few issues with grammar though, especially spelling. For example, it should be "I cant wait to be your bridesmaid" but you wrote it as "I can". And also, you wrote "too" as "to" in one or two places. So I'd suggest getting a beta or giving this a thorough re-read to look through the errors.

Rest, this was quite good, and I am looking forward to the next chapter!

Cheers!
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: You don't have to wait long, as the next chapter's in the queue :D

I'm glad that you liked Rose, as I've always had a soft spot for her, and enjoy writing her. I'm glad that you liked the flashbacks, as I agree they do seem to add that little bit more to a story.

I'm glad that you didn't find it too boring, as I would hate it if you did!

Yeah I need to give it another read through, probably tomorrow as it's about ten to midnight, and I should really be asleep!

Thanks for the review, Kiana :)


 Report Review

Review #46, by aquabluez17 The Trigger

3rd February 2013:
Hey Kiana!

Here for the review swap =)

Wow dear that was a really great start! It had the right amount of "omg whats going to happen" to keep me reading!

I wonder why Rose broke up w Scorp. Hope it wasn't just for him becoming a Auror since that would be sad.

I also wonder how Ron is taking the marriage since Zabini isn't any better than Malfoy really unless I am mistaken. :P

Hopefully she won't end up walking down the aisle but even if she does I bet you will make the story a great read =)


Great work! Can't wait to read more!

-Mya

Author's Response: Hi Mya, I'm glad that you liked the story, and that it had enough omg moments, as I feel it's important to include them. You won't probably find out in the next chapter, but almost definitely in the one after that, as to why they broke up, and a very small part has something to do with him being an auror, but it is among other reasons! Ha yes Zabini is slightly better, but Ron doesn't take it too well, as it's another former enemies son! I can't reveal whether she'll walk down the aisle or not, as that would ruin the ending, but I hope it'll be exciting! There should be some more soon! Thanks for the review, Kiana :)

 Report Review

Review #47, by Sisyphus The Trigger

2nd February 2013:
Wonderful beginning. :)

Author's Response: Aw thank you :')

 Report Review

Review #48, by GrangerDanger76 The Trigger

1st February 2013:
Hey girl! I saw your status on she forums and I thought I'd pop on over! This was just absolutely adorable. I loved the little flash backs and scorose moments. I really liked your creativeness. I can't wait for your later chapters! :)

Camille

Author's Response: Hey Camille it's nice to see you here! I'm glad that you liked, and the flashbacks worked as I was a little worried about them! The next chapter should appear soon!

 Report Review

Review #49, by magnolia_magic The Trigger

1st February 2013:
Kiana! I saw your status on the forums and decided to give your story some love :) And I'm glad I did! I like a good nextgen romance, and I think this is shaping up to be a fun read.

I really like the way you start the chapter, getting right into Rose's tough internal conflict. You just immerse us into the action right away, and that's a fun way to start a story. The only thing I might change about that first section is when you start using "you" in the general sense. For instance, when you say, "No one can understand what you're going through..." if it were me, I would phrase it, "No one can understand what I'm going through." And so on. Does that make sense? These thoughts are very important to Rose; using "I" instead of "you" would give her more ownership of them, and make them even more personal.

The flashbacks are easily my favorite part of this chapter. I love everything about the sorting scene, especially the fact that you place Scorpius in Ravenclaw. It seems like a neutral-ground kind of house, and maybe that signifies a new direction for the Malfoy family. And I love how nervous you made Rose and Scorpius about their house, and what their families will think.

And then in the second flashback, they decide not to care what their families think anymore. I just love that! They're taking control of their own lives. And that kiss scene was so adorable, just the right amount of fluff :)

I might add a little more lead-up to the second flashback, though. I love the scene itself, but it seemed to come very abruptly. Maybe ease into it a little more somehow, by delving deeper into her emotions when she hears Scorpius is moving back to London?

Now I'm wondering what could have happened to Scorpius and Rose, since they seem like they'd be such a good couple. I guess I'll have to read on! Nice job with this opener, Kiana!

--Maggie

Author's Response: Hey Maggie, it's so lovely to receive a review from you, as I haven't seen you around for a while!

Yes Rose is suffering from some internal conflict, with her impending marriage, and being a child of 2/3 of the Golden Trio, is a lot harder than most people make it out, as she's not allowed to fail really! I agree with you about the use of you, as I think it would make it more personal, and allow the reader to feel as if they are perhaps being directly addressed.

I'm glad that you liked the flashbacks, as I was a little worried about them, as they can go bad so easily. I agree with what you mean about Ravenclaw being neutral, as it's a new start for both the Weasley and Malfoy families, and I guess having Rose and Scorpius unites them, and shows they're not in fact very different.

I guess that's also shown in the second flashback, as it's a new era really, where blood and family status is not as important as it was prior to the war. I'm glad that it was too fluff filled, as I thought it was, as kiss scenes are so hard to!

Yes I do agree that it would work better if there is more of a lead up to the second flashback, as it is rather abrupt. I didn't think of adding in her feelings, but that is a good idea, so I'll go back and it in:)

I've written nearly all of the chapters for once, except for the final one, so I'm still deciding in my head what happens to Rose and Scorpius, I'll guess that you'll have to wait and see;) Thanks for the lovely review Maggie!


 Report Review

Review #50, by peanuts11 The Trigger

31st January 2013:
I definitely love where this is going.

Rose's love for Scorpius seems so innocent and sweet but I can't wait to see how she is with Xander.

It opens a whole host of questions about her relationship with Scorpuis and Xander. Personally, I hope that she's just having doubts about marriage and so she's reminiscing about a simpler time when love was easy because sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side.

I really love the way you jump from flashback to present day in a way that takes that reader with you so it's not disconcerting.

I also really like Rose's rational character. You do it in a way that's really clever because she knows she's rational and is supposed to be logical so much to the point that she questions how she knows she's expected to behave.
It makes me really like her and also makes her quite 3D.

You also bring her relationships with her family to real life. Obviously in a family as big as that, there will be some members you know less than others. Other writers tend to clump the clan together as the best of friends so I like that you've taken the time to establish individual relationships.

I think you need to reread some of your sentences and tweak them a little to make them more conversational. E.g "The thing is with what if, is that" I think that it could be easier to read by writing "The thing with what if, is..."

To be honest, you're SUCH a good writer that I'm just nit-picking for the sake of it. If you keep doing what you're doing, this story will be AMAZING.

Author's Response: Yes Rose and Scorpius's love is a very confusing one for her, him being her first love, and I guess the allure of stepping to the dark side by dating a Malfoy! As for Xander and her, I guess more is being revealed through out the chapters, so you learn more about the nature of their relationship!

I'm glad that you found the flashbacks worked, as I was worried about that, as I often find they can be confusing, so I'm glad that you didn't find it so!

And yes, Rose has to be rational, she's a Ravenclaw after all, and yes she does put a lot of expectations onto herself, ones which may be unfounded, so she does have some insecurities in that respect.

The Weasley family is massive, so I agree it is only natural she wouldn't no some members of it as well, as she would naturally be closer to the ones closer in age to her, so I just picked out a few for her to be friends with!

I'll look over the sentences, and make them read easier, as I do agree they are a bit disjointed in places!

Thanks for this lovely review, and compliments, and don't worry about the nit-picking I need it so it makes me look back over my mistakes! Kiana:D


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>