I really liked how you did the Quidditch trials from a spectator's point-of-view. Usually, it's either from a player or not at all, so I like seeing it from this angle as well. Although, there was really much more than just the trials going on. :)
I like how Sirius and Thalia's banter has changed since the first few chapters. It's more friendly and with less enmity. It's kind of a slow evolution that you've started.
Foreshadowing. I love it. For one, Lily's defense of Severus, saying he was "perfectly nice." It's just a reminder of what's to come. Also, Mary's line "haven't been any Gryffindors which have defected to the dark side yet." And all I can do is sit here and think, Peter's literally at the table.
Speaking of Peter, poor guy. Always getting picked on. I mean, he's definitely an easy target, and it makes sense, but I always feel a little bad for him. But then I remember his betrayal, and my sympathy goes *poof*.
Hah, I love Lily's wink, and the confusion it caused. I was just sitting here giggling at how both Thalia and Sirius were just so confused.
I'm really interested to see where this storyline with George goes; he seems like an interesting character. I do like that George isn't a replica of the Quidditch-obsessed Oliver, but Percival is.
I'm starting to like Thalia more. She really seems like a deep character. Another thing I like is the subtle similarities between Sirius and Thalia, like their mutual love of food, which is mentioned at various times. But then again, who doesn't love food? :)
That scene with the eyes, and then James. It was perfect. I really like how you throw in at least one scene like that per chapter, because it really keeps the reader's interest going. Oooh, and the blackmailing thing with James just made me laugh. It seems Thalia's an expert at embarrassing various Marauders.
The literature references: I love them. Especially because you keep using books I've read. Keep them going. :)
Overall, very good chapter. I couldn't really find much to CC.
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Hello again, and thank you for another great review!
I'm glad that you liked the quidditch trials, I've never really read them from a spectator POV either, so I thought it would be fun to do! Yes Thalia and Sirius' banter is more light hearted, and they gradually becoming more friendly with one another.
Got to love foreshadowing you're the first person to pick it out actually, so yay!
I try and not be mean to Peter, but I just can't help it, because I remember what he does. I do make attempts later on for him to be nice!
Yes I thought it would be fun to have George as the nicer quidditch captain!
Thalia is rather deep, and she tends to brood a lot about her Mother in the later chapters, as she begins to affect her more.
I'm glad that you liked the scene with the eyes, and I have to throw one in, otherwise the readers wouldn't be too happy, and they're so much fun to write ;D Haha yes Thalia can blackmail the Marauders very well.
Yes the books I mention are actually the ones I have read so yay!
Thank you for another great review,
-Kiana :D Report Review
Yay, it's a longer chapter! As a result, I'm thinking this will probably be a longer review, based on the notes I've taken... but I don't think that'll be a problem, will it? :)
I LOVE Wuthering Heights. Everyone I know hated it, but I think it's fantastic. Wow, that was completely unrelated to the review... oops.
I like how you've portrayed Remus - as sweet and everyone's friend. I also like how you've shown him as seeing the soft side of the Marauders - I always like that he can be used to point that out to other characters.
I like the mention of the Wood family, but if you're intending it to be Oliver's father, that probably wouldn't fit with canon, since Oliver would probably have been born by then. But naturally, there's usually more than one sibling, so it's probably a brother or something, and makes much more sense. :)
The Quidditch talk you threw in was perfect. It was complicated and went a little over my head, but I think that's how discussion of the sport is supposed to be. After all, if I started talking about American football to one of these characters, they wouldn't understand a word of it. So I like that it left me a little confused - it's perfect.
I do wish you had played up the prank a little bit. It was a hilarious idea, and had you expounded on it a little more, it might have been even better. But that's just my opinion. :)
You do get a little redundant at times. For example: "Being in the Slug Club was quite good as Lily was in it as well due to her wit and intelligence. Because of her wit and intelligence Lily was in the club as well." It's basically the same thing twice.
Also, there are a few sentences where you don't use any commas at all where they are needed, and it kind of turns into a run-on. (e.g. "Despite leaving the Great Hall later than usual this morning we were still the first ones at the dungeons.")
Lily and Mary's banter is quite funny - kind of reminiscent of me and my friends (in case you were wondering, I'm usually the Lily of the situation). It shows their contrast beautifully.
I love the part where she ends up falling into his arms. Some people might call that out as a cliche, but to be honest, I don't care about cliches. If it's well-written, like yours is, it doesn't matter that it's commonly used, because it works quite well. Okay, I need to stop turning your review into a rant.
I love how she starts thinking about how nice it feels before knowing who it was. It gave her quite the shock, and was interesting to read.
I like this side of Sirius, where he's trying to be nicer. He does seem like quite the charmer when he wants to be.
Man... I wasn't kidding about this being longer. :) On to the next chapter!
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Hahah I love Wuthering Heights too, so I had to include it here!
I'm glad that you liked Remus, and you're right his observations do come in use later on in the story, and I always imagined him to be like that.
Initially I wanted George to be Oliver's father, but then I thought about it, even if he was a young dad like James and Lily, he would be a year younger than them, so I figured I would go down the sibling route, as it made more sense;D
I know what you mean about the sport talk, eugh it's horrible! So I'm glad that you found it confusing (I never thought I would say that!), as it was meant to be like that!
I know the prank was a little lacking in description so I may go back and add a little more in! I'll also check the redundant phrases, and run on sentences I have habit of those, and it's a habit I strongly detest!
Yes Lily and Mary polar opposites in academic terms, and I thought it would be fun to include that, and yeah I would be fighting Lily's corner too ;D
Wah I love cliches, and I'm glad you too! I think they have too much of a bad rep, and they work well so that's why they're used a lot! Like you said, I'm turning into rant mode too!
I'm glad that you liked the idea of a nicer Sirius, as I think he's ego loving side to him is just a facade at times! Thalia is also starting to overcome her misconception of him too!
Thanks again for the review, and I have an updated version of the next chapter in the queue, so if it's riddled with errors, you now know why ;D
-Kiana :D Report Review
Yes, it HAS taken me another whole day to review this chapter. Oops.
I like the change in point-of-view. It's interesting to hear from Sirius.
Speaking of Sirius, I still love his characterization in this chapter. I like how he's the light-hearted one, despite what is often referred to as his "dark past." He's quite funny, which is exactly how I picture him.
I like seeing the comparison between James and Lily's and Sirius and Thalia's banter. They sound so similar, that it's almost fun to envision both pairs snapping at each other simultaneously.
Another thing: I do appreciate that the two of them don't hate each other with a passion. Going from hate to love is nearly impossible, something that only happens once in a while. Plus, too many stories pull the whole "worst-enemies" thing.
One thing I wish you would have done was played with the uncomfortableness of the carriage ride. You could have made the tension palpable, by just adding some more description there.
I like how you portrayed McGonagall: it's very canon. She's strict, but still has a bit of a soft spot for the Marauders, and lets them off for their lateness.
I love how you mentioned Sirius's sorting. I've always wondered about how that played out, and I think your description is perfect. I really haven't seen that much in most fanfiction, so congrats for that. I really liked it. :)
Overall, very good chapter. I'm excited for the next one, mainly because I want to see what this Marauder prank is all about!
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Haha it's fine, I'm just so grateful that you're doing this!
Yes their banter is a lot of fun to write, and I'm glad that you're enjoying reading it :D I know I couldn't have them hate one another, I already have that with James and Lily, and having it with those two as well, just wouldn't be realistic!
I didn't think of adding more tension in the carriage ride, but it makes sense, so I'll probably go back and add some more in!
I'm glad that you liked McGonagall, as I find it's important to keep characters canon, so yay for that!
I thought it would be fun to include a little snippet about it, as it just seemed to fit in, and I was always curious so I thought others would be too!
I'm glad that you liked this chapter, and that you're excited for the next!
Thanks again for the review!
-Kiana:D Report Review
ShadowRose again! Wow, that was a long time gap between reviews...
I like how this chapter starts in the same place the last one did: on the platform. It kind of shows how everything has changed, but at the same time, nothing has changed at all.
I can't really comment on Thalia's characterization yet, because I feel like we haven't fully gotten to know her yet. But so far, I like where you're going with it.
The run-in scene is cute. Some people (actually, a lot of reviewers I've encountered) would call that out as cliché, but personally, I really like it. I mean, hey, it's used often for a reason. People run into each other a lot. :)
Their banter is funny too. I can see how their relationship is similar to that of James and Lily (minus the constant asking-out.
Sirius's characterization, in my opinion, is spot-on. He's snarky (I seriously love that word... okay, side-note over) and a bit of a play-boy, which is exactly how I have always pictured him.
Lily's characterization is perfect too. Too many stories try to make her something she isn't, but you really captured her for who she is: a sweet and smart girl who cares about the rules.
The English word nerd in me loves the use of the word "insipid." Just thought I'd throw that out.
I like how you made comments about the ongoing war, but didn't make it the main topic of conversation either. I feel like too many stories lean to one extreme or the other, so I like the balance I see here. :)
Overall, great chapter, and this story looks really promising!
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Hello there again! Don't worry about how long it takes, I'm just grateful that you're taking the time to do them :')
I'm glad that you liked how I started it, it just seemed like the best place, it was only until later that I realised that the prologue started there as well! Who cares about cliches, they're cliches because they work well :P I'm glad that you found it cute!
Yes their relationship is sort of similar to James and Lily's, but they become friends much quicker, and there's a lot less arguing!
Haha snarky is a cool word! I'm glad that you liked his characterisation, as he's such a hard person to write in my opinion!
Yes I get annoyed but some of the depictions of Lily too, so I'm glad that you liked her here! Insipid is a cool word, and don't worry I have a word of the day, so yay for English word nerds!
I'm glad that you liked the comments about the war, as it seemed natural to include them, but they're teenagers so they're not going to care too much about it!
Thanks again for another wonderful review!
-Kiana :D Report Review
Hi there, it's ShadowRose with your requested review!
First of all, I love little prologues like this. I think they set the scene perfectly, and give a lot of background for when we go into the next chapter.
I love the way you describe things here. Your word choice is just perfect, and I can clearly picture the entire scene in my head as I'm reading.
Sometimes, I feel like it jumps from character to character a little too quickly, but at the same time, I think it works out okay. It kind of serves to emphasize the chaos of the platform.
Another thing I liked was the contrast you made between Sirius and Thalia. Even though there's not much characterization to go on, the reader sees the opposite situations with each: Sirius's parents are overbearing, while Thalia's are absent altogether. But they're alike in that they both feel uncomfortable with the whole situation. I like how you tied them together. I also think it's funny that they both selected their future best friends the exact same way; it really shows that they may not be so different after all.
Shallow note: I love the name Thalia. I think it's gorgeous, and completely unique.
Finally, I love how you tie the whole chapter together by incorporating the title name. It works really well.
Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter. Keep up the good work! :)
-ShadowRoseAuthor's Response: Hi ShadowRose, thanks for the review!
I'm glad that you liked the prologue, as I love them too, and it wouldn't feel right not having one!
Yes I get what you mean about it jumping a little quickly, but I was trying to replicate the chaos of the problem, I'll see if I can make it smoother though!
I'm glad that you liked the contrast between the two, as I enjoyed writing it! I'm writing chapters with both their parents in right now, and it's so much fun to do! Yes it seemed only natural to meet their best friends there, and we know from canon that James and Sirius bonded straight away, so I figured Lily might do the same!
Ha don't worry about the shallow note, I loved the name too, and it just felt right, given that it had mythological links to it, and so did many of the other HP names!
I'm glad that you enjoyed the little tie in with the title, I just couldn't resist it :P
Thank you for the great review,
-Kiana :D Report Review
OMG. I love your story. I just read what you have so far and I wish there was more. Please write more!Author's Response: Haha thank you, it means so much for me to hear that from other people! There should be some more up soonish, and I would love to hear what you think of it! Report Review
Hi Elphaba here again at long last!
I've noticed in this chapter that your punctuation and mechanics in general are improving. :)
I did spot some comma splices here and there (something I've often been guilty of), like this one: "To tell you the truth, this was my first proper date, I know most people had been on plenty by fifth year, but I guess I was just always shy when it came to boys." I think it would flow better if you place a period after "date" and start a new sentence with "I." There are a few others, and I'm they're just pointing them out as something to keep an eye out for as you polish your writing.
I also found this typo: "I was pocked in the back..."
I assume you meant "poked."
If Sirius and Thalia have any hope of getting together, they certainly seem to be shrinking in this chapter, don't they? I like that neither George or Anna is made out to be a monster. Thalia is actually enjoying her date, and I like that she may eventually have to choose between the two, rather than having one thrust upon her by fate.
Am I right in thinking that Felicity is Lavender Brown's mother?
Another interesting thing in this chapter is the additional information about Thalia's parents -- especially her mother's old-fashioned ideals. I think her expectations for Thalia are consistent with the time, especially for a stodgy pureblood family who probably wouldn't be paying attention to the women's movement.
The shocking attack at the end of this chapter reminds me of the incident that Lily mentions during the Prince's Tale in DH. So, hopefully Mary will be all right?!? I've seen this incident portrayed in a few stories. Each one has presented a different scenario, so I'm desperate to know what happened, and why.Author's Response: Hey Elphaba! It's fine I know what life can get like!
I'm glad that the mechanics are improving, I still have the tendency to make awful comma mistakes, I now have a beta, who is awesome with them, and she's working through the chapters, so hopefully they'll all be eliminated soonish!
Thank you for pointing out those typos, as much as I look at this chapter, I still seem to have loads, which is really annoying!
I couldn't have them get together straight away, as that would be too easy! I didn't want Anna or George to be monsters, as I don't think that's realistic, and I preferred to do it this way, so I'm glad that you liked it! Haha yeah she will have to choose between the two eventually!
I hadn't thought about Felicity being Lavender's mum, it was just a conicidence! Now I think about it, it is fitting, so I may just weave that in ;D
I wanted to include the pureblood mother, as it seemed fitting, and I agree it does seem to go with the time, and of course she would hate the women's movement!
The attack was based on the incident in the Prince's Tale, as I had to include as I'm such a sticker to canon! I hope I've portrayed it well :D
-Kiana! Report Review
Remember when I was going to review swap with you, but then I lost internet connection?? I do. I'm sorry, bud!
Okay, reviewing this novel because I love me some Sirius.
What an awesome start! I really like the style of writing you have in this chapter, the introduction of your main characters was just brilliant.
Bahaha, Sirius is already my favorite, but Thalia is cool too.
My favorite thing overall about this story is how they seemed to already connect with those people they will be BFF (best friends forever!) with, so that's pretty cool.
I became friendly with my best friend over throwing papers at one of our professors...I wish I could have seen her across the room and "known" that we would be BFFs. I'm disappointed in ourselves.
Woah, way off tangent. I'm going to review your next chapter :D
JackAuthor's Response: It's fine, I've done swaps, where I review a story, and the person doesn't even leave me a review, and that's annoying!
I'm glad that you liked the style, and I how introduced the main characters, as that means so much to me!
Yeah I have a soft spot for Sirius too!
I'm glad that you liked how they became friends, as I wasn't little unsure about it.
Hmm I guess that when you becoming BFFs with someone, you don't really know until later:)
It's fine that you went off tangent, I do that all the time!
Thanks for the review!
Kiana! Report Review
really like it so far!Author's Response: Yay I'm so glad that you do, and I hope that you carry on reading :D Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here again! :)
I really like Sirius's point of view in this chapter. His inner train of thought is both funny and fits his character. I like how he makes himself the hero in his own mind: kindly letting the girl he partnered with do the unicorn project and dutifully visiting Remus on his sick bed. I also like his interaction with Lily. Lily has been written in so many ways (often not well) and I think you do a really good job with her, especially her matter-of-fact way of telling Sirius she already knows about Remus.
I found spelling/grammatical errors here and there, like this one: "...me and James were always wondering school..." I think wondering should be wandering.
I also think that here: "...to run away screaming to all the passer-by's," the plural form is "passersby."
Other moments that I really like in this chapter are Lily's slip where she reveals that she looks after Thalia like the Marauders look after Remus, Professor Kettleburn's cameo, and Sirius's confused efforts to distract himself from Thalia.
Despite the mechanical issues (punctuation and occasional spelling and grammar) this is a really well written story, with great storytelling and characterization. I'm enjoying it a lot! Thanks for asking me to review it. :)Author's Response: Hello there Elphaba!
I'm glad that you liked Sirius's POV, as I have so much fun writing it:D Yeah he does big himself up sometimes, letting people do his homework, and visiting his friends, bless him ;D
Yeah Lily has been written so many ways, and I often don't like how she's portrayed as well, so I'm really glad that you liked her portrayal!
I just edited those spellings errors, as this chapter was long overdue an edit! I actually have a new beta now as my last went AWOL, so I should have less mechanical issues next time.
Woo for Professor Kettleburn, he is such a legend! Lily and the Marauders are such good people to their friends! Sirius is a bit silly with his efforts to distract himself from Thalia, but hey he's a teenage boy, what can you expect?
Thank you so much for the great review, it's really help motivate me for the chapter I'm currently writing!
-Kiana! Report Review
Hiya! Here with your requested review!
Aww! That's really nice of you! Also, I was really excited to learn that the next chapter was from Sirius' point of view, because I really like the way you write him! And it's really nice to review a chapter a bit further on in the story. I know that early chapters end up with heaps of reviews, but for me at least, I get quite worried about the chapters that are later on, partly because they have fewer reviews, so I don't know what worked and what didn't.
Okay, first of all, I've always thought it was really cute and sweet how James and Sirius wanted to help Remus and became illegal Animaguses for that sole purpose. Also, I think it's a credit to their talent that they managed the entire thing by fifth year without any help, save from each other.
Another thing: OMG! OMG! OMG! OF COURSE IT'S SOMETHING MORE BETWEEN YOU THALIA, YOU FOOL! But I guess it's still early days and everything, so I'll try and curb my excitement. BUT SERIOUSLY, SIRIUS - YOU SHOULD HAVE KISSED HER!
I think it's really interesting that Sirius still holds onto certain Black family values. You can definitely understand his views on love and relationships, and see where they were formed, if he only had his parents' loveless marriage as a model. I do think it interesting that he doesn't take into account Mr and Mrs Potter's relationship, because we know that he was practically adopted into their family. I wonder how this view will proceed later in the story…
Even though this story isn't outright funny, I do enjoy the little elements of humour - which are especially prevalent in Sirius point of view. For example, James and Sirius running into Dumbledore every time they tried to get up to mischief during the day put a smile on my face!
I really enjoyed the conversation between Lily and Sirius. They were civil towards each other, but they were still teasing, which I thought was really cute. It's a really nice way of laying the foundations of what we know as being quite a strong friendship in the book series, so kudos for that!
I agree with Sirius on the point of James acting as a three year old. I thought the exact same thing a split second before Sirius thought it. I think it's a sign - we must be soul mates. I thought it a bit weird that Sirius thought that James had no hope against Will, at least the way he was described. We know that James and Sirius were both really popular students, well loved by teachers and students alike, and that they also did really well in school. James was Quidditch captain at some point in time, as well, but even if he isn’t yet, he’s still a really good Quidditch player. The only thing I see that Will has and James doesn't is a Prefect badge. Were you implying that Will Cavendish was a perfectly polite boy who didn't pester Lily constantly for her affections, wasn't an idiot in her presence, and behaved himself at all times? I also thought it was really mature of James to recognise defeat and make a graceful exit. If I was in Lily's place, a move like that would not have been wasted on me!
Peter is such a pushover! I'm not sure if this is the first time we're seeing this, or I've just noticed it, but I can see how Voldemort convinced him so easily to go over to the Dark side - and without bribing him with cookies, either!
Oh, Sirius! Such prejudice against the other Houses. It seems that there's a lot of stereotyping and typecasting going around, which I think is a really clever way of subtly showing why the magical community fell so easily to bow to Voldemort's power. He didn't even have to try to divide and conquer - all the work was done for him through generations of the lack of inter-House tolerance.
MY HEART BREAKS FOR YOU, SIRIUS! (That was concerning his "rejection" from Thalia - he didn’t even ask her yet, the poor boy!)
Just one other thing - have you considered getting a beta for this? I think it's a great story, but I noticed quite a few spelling and grammar issues. Whilst a lot of people don't care, these things can interrupt the flow of the story a bit, as you try and figure out what's going on, and a beta can really help with that! Also, they're great to talk with when you get stuck and stuff!
Anyway, it was another nice chapter. And I'm super glad with some progress in their relationship!Author's Response: Hi and thank you for leaving such a long review, I really appreciate it!
I'm glad that you like how I write Sirius, as I love writing him, as it's so much fun! Yeah I know what you mean about the lack of feedback in the later chapter, it's rather sad, as I see people reading it, they just don't say anything about it :(
Yeah they're all such great friends! I think Sirius also wanted to become one, so he could turn into an animal, he just didn't want to admit it ;)
I know I got excited writing it, and even though I was making Sirius think it wasn't much, I was still yelling at him! The kiss will come soonish, but it may not go so well! I know it's mean, but I enjoy inflicting pain onto my characters!
Yeah Sirius is still Black, even though he doesn't like admitting it, and the Potter's influence on him will increase when he moves in with them, but he's still denying love at the moment!
I like including the little bits of humour, so I'm glad that you like them too!
I know what you mean about Sirius and Lily, I couldn't just have them be enemies, as they're meant to be good friends later on, so it made more sense to do it this way.
I see what you mean about Will, I'll have to look at it again, and make it clearer. It's mainly because he's so perfect, and rule abiding, and loved for being good, and not for doing pranks, is why James won't stand a chance. He's still immature now, and Will isn't as great as he seems, so James will get Lily. Eventually.
Voldy may have had a few cookies, as he's not that much of a pushover, but he did only need a few mind! I do try and give Peter more backbone, it's just so hard to do.
Sirius does seem more prejudiced than the others, that's probably due to his family being in Slytherin though, and him hating them. But yes you can see why Voldy managed to divide the magical community so easily, as the work was done for him a 1000 years ago!
My heart broke for Sirius too! He just needs to move faster next time ;)
I did have a beta but she went AWOL, about 2 months ago, so I waited to see if she would resurface, but she hasn't :( BUT! Someone agreed to be my new beta, yesterday, so this chapter, and the other ones should be sorted out soonish :D
Thanks for the awesome, and I'm glad that there was some progress as well :D Report Review
I thought it was only six people that were allowed to visit person at the same time because I remember Madam Pomfrey yelling that there shouldn't be more than six people visiting Harry when she thought that Hagrid was more than one person. Either that or I'm remembering things wrong.
The narration between Sirius and Thalia is really similiar, in fact, it's practically the same. If it weren't for the fact that they mention different friends and different names and such, I wouldn't be able to tell the narration apart.
I loved the banter between Lily and her friends though! It was so lighthearted and I had fun reading the conversation that they had going on about James liking Lily. I especially found it funny when Lily's dad thought that she had a stalker.
Anyway, good chapter, I really enjoyed reading it!Author's Response: Oops, I should have checked that! I knew that there was a rule, but I kind of had to twist it to fit the situation.
I'll try and change the narration so it's not so similar.
I love wiriting that banter between the friends, it's so light hearted and fun! I thought it would be funny to add in that bit about Lily's dad thinking James was a stalker, as he does come off as one at times!
I'm glad that you enjoyed reading it, and thanks for the review! Report Review
Oh my gosh, poor clueless Sirius, he doesn't know what's happened. He's sure going to be shocked when he finds out what happened to Mary.
This may just be me but for some reason, Sirius's feelings seemed to have come as if from nowhere when it comes to Thalia. From what I understand of the story, in previous years they didn't get on well and it just seems really strange that they all of a sudden like each other. Anyway, that's probably just me.
I also noticed that you liked to use the word "as" a lot in your dialogue. At first I didn't notice because it was such a small thing but the more the word showed up in the dialogue the more I started to notice.
Also, I understand that Sirius was serious (pun not intended) when he found out about Mary but before that he just sounded way too serious -again, no pun intended,- he didn't sound like a fifteen-year-old boy, in fact, he sounded a lot older than he really was.
That being said, this was still a good chapter and I still enjoyed it!Author's Response: Hi!
Yeah I guess Sirius can't really anticipate what's happened, as it just seemed so unlikely that someting like that would happen in Hogwarts! I guess with his feelings for Thalia they're been slowly developing, and became more prominent in chapter 6 :)
Yes I do tend to say as a lot, as it's such a useful word! I'll use a theasaurus and see if I can find a different one.
I guess the reason why he sounded so much more serious, is because the situation itself was so serious, and if he appeared to be jokey, it would seem a little odd!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Tagging you from Review Tag =)
I am glad to have returned to read this chapter. I am liking this story, your plot is interesting, and your narrative well-written.
I like your characterisations too, especially of Sirius and Thalia. This seems to be headed in a good in a good direction, and I like the way things seem to be going so far.
I liked the little details you put in, such as Sirius talking about how Pettigrew, though nowhere near perfect, was a good friend - it just makes you realize the irony that this "pathetic" Pettigrew would betray them in future. I also liked the inclusion of James and Lily and your depiction of their 'relationship' (if it can be called that).
I would suggest getting a beta though, as there are some 'technical' errors in the story. But apart from that, this seems like a good work and keep writing!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi!
I'm glad that you're liking this story, as I know that you're not too keen on the Marauders era ;)
I'm glad that you liked the characterisation of the Sirius and Thalia, as they are the main characters, so it would be bad if you didn't like them ;)
Yes I tried to make Peter a little pathetic, but still a good friend, as it's so hard to make him look like a nice guy, considering what he did. Ahh James and Lily they're such fun to write, and their relationship is always great fun.
I did have a beta, but she seems to have gone AWOL as she hasn't responded to any of my messages for 2 1/2 months, so I think I've waited long enough now, and I'll probably get a new one soon:)
Thanks for the review!
-Kiana :D Report Review
Wearing a skirt in September would be freezing! In any country you'd be cold but I hear that the weather in the UK is particularly bad so it'd be even worse there! At least Thalia can wear tights with her skirt, she won't be as cold.
If I were Thalia's friends, I wouldn't bother going to try on robes, I'd just follow Thalia and Lily around and spy on them. It would probably be a lot more fun in my opinion.
Sheesh, Thalia seems awfully angry for someone who supposedly hates Sirius and thinks he has a giant ego. She even said it herself, she doesn't like him and she doesn't care that he was ignoring her and they'd argued in previous years. Why the sudden caring about Sirius?
Oh my gosh, I completely forgot about Mary getting attacked in fifth year! You just reminded me that that happened, well God damn, I feel bad for Mary! Bad things happen to good people sometimes as they say!
Anyway, good chapter, I didn't notice any big grammar/punctuation mistakes!
~GraceAuthor's Response: Hi again!
Yes it would be freezing, I live in the warmest (apparently) part of it, and it's horrible, as going out in a skirt if sending a death wish to yourself!
I guess they did sort of follow her around in the end, but of course they couldn't say it otherwise, they would be no point of spying!
I completely forgot about Mary being attacked as well, until I was on her wiki page and saw it, so I knew I had to include it in the story, as I want it to be as canon as possible!
Thanks for the review! Report Review
You've got a few punctuation errors but nothing major. In the first part where Sirius is talking about Thalia, I swear to God, he started to sound like a complete girl. I mean, he's talking about her EYES of all things! Plus, he's going through that frustrating things that girls do when they wonder whether a guy likes them or not and they're thinking about it.
Anyway, I'll keep reading.
I love the banter between Lily and Sirius, Sirius especially, he just sounds very Sirisuish (if that makes any sense whatsoever). Plus, I love how Lily's like "well duh, of course I know Remus, what did you expect?"
Ahahaha, Sirius is going to get in trouble with James! Anyway, I had fun reading this chapter and I thought it was really good!Author's Response: Hi :)
I'm currently on school holidays so I'm editing and updating all my chapters and stories so hopefully after that's been done, there won't be any more grammar errors!
Yes Sirius did sound very girly, I thought it would be funny that he would be the one wondering whether the girl liked him or not, as usually the girl would be thinking that about him!
I loved writing that banter as well, as Lily's such a fun character, and of course she would know, it's Lily!
I'm glad that you had fun reading it, as I had fun writing it! Report Review
Hey that was great cant wait for the next chapter!!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, and I'm glad that you liked it! The next chapter should be up in a week or two :D Report Review
It's terrible of me, but I only ever seem to review your stuff (or review anything, really) through review tag. Perhaps I should come up with some other form of greeting? Although I think caps lock never gets old. I'd write whole stories in caps lock if it didn't give my mental voice a sore throat reading it!
Requisite and by now, customary sidetrack aside, onto the review! I don't have much time right now, so I can't give an in-depth review like I want to (I know, it's terrible of me, and I'm sorry!), but can I just say: I LOVE THE PROGRESS ON THE SIRIUS/THALIA RELATIONSHIP! I love progress of any sort in any relationship, but I have a soft spot for Sirius, so his relationships hold a special place in my heart. And over Charles Dickens! In the library! OMG!
Also, I just want to mention again (because I know I have before) how much I adore your bookworm Sirius! It's so cute how he loves to read muggle classics! I have no idea why, because I've only read a couple, and I often miss all that literary depth that critical reading provides, but it elevates my opinion of Sirius a great deal!
Looking forward to seeing how things progress!Author's Response: Hi!
It's fine I rarely read or review anything outside the review tag, or my review thread. I don't mind you getting sidetracked, as its rather fun to read!
I love the progress of their relationship, but then I have to go and ruin it in the next chapter *insert evil laugh*
I'm glad that you like Sirius being a bookworm, I thought it would be fun to give him an intellectual trait! Yes it is rather cute that they're bonding over Dickens!
Thanks for the great review, Kiana :D Report Review
Hey there, lovely, its me with your requested review and I'm sorry that it took a minute longer than usual. I've been busy and typing and eating cake and you know how that is, right? Hahaha.
So I'm really glad that Mary is doing better but I am still pissed that her attacker hasn't been found yet and after Thalia's fight with Snape, I think I'm even madder. On the other end, it seems like Lily and James are getting along better in their own weird way and Maia and Remus? :3
Thalia's relationship with George is getting interesting too, I'm hoping that they get closer but Sirius is really not too happy about it. I mean, he was obviously bothered when they were making out and I expected him to say something about it. But he didn't and I'm wondering if he won't or will just bide his time...
With George though, I'm hoping that things go all right with Thalia and that her mother doesn't ruin everything. T-T
Christmas is going to be rather unpleasant for her! And Sirius as well, I really like to see the two of them bonding on that and I hope that they'll get closer as they work on this project together. :D
I really liked their Muggle studies teacher, he seems neat! Hahaha. I thought that there was alot of characters in this but I was able to follow it really well and I think all the details you added into it were great. There's still some tension between Thalia and Sirius and the threat of violence to come from Snape and Remus's snooping into what they were fighting about. I like the buildup too at the end, I'm thinking that dance with Sirius won't go as planned! ;)
So, as for CC's, there were just some sentences that could have been cut off but otherwise, it was great! :D
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hi Gabbie!
Don't worry about how long it takes, I know what life can be like, and that should always come first!
I had to make Mary, I mean I think it's too early for someone to die. And I really like her as a character as she makes me laugh, so I wouldn't want to kill her off!
The attacker should be revealed, in about 2/3 chapters, as the next 2 will be in the holidays so it obviously won't happen there!
Yes James and Lily are getting on slightly better, but it won't last for long with those two! And Maia and Remus will carrying on getting closer and closer ;D
I haven't really planned that much ahead with Thalia and George, but they will be together for a while. I thought it would be more realistic for James to say something about them making out, as I imagine Sirius as the more broody, quite type, and he'll bide his time, and think of a plan, rather than come out with it straight away!
Christmas will be interesting. That's all I'm really going to say about it. Lots of dramatic things will happen. As for the dance, I have a plan, and hopefully it will work out!
I'm glad that you thought that I managed the characters well, as now I think about it, there were an awful lot in this chapter! I guess I needed to make it up from last chapter, when it was just Sirius and Thalia really!
I'll look over the sentences, as I'm editing the whole story at the moment, so those should be sorted out soon :D
Thanks for the awesome review!
-Kiana :D Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter. Your characterization of Thalia is coming along super nicely, and I really enjoyed reading all of her interactions with friends and other people at Hogwarts in this chapter. I love the fact that she likes to get up early in the morning, go down to the common room and read. That is a very nice touch on her character.
I think my favourite part of this chapter was Thalia's conversation with Remus. I love the fact that Remus told Thalia about Sirius reading Muggle books just to annoy his family. That definitely seems very in character, and I found it quite funny that he had taken to reading books at school, too. I really like the fact that you are including little details like that, to make all of the characters seems so much more believable.
Oooh, George Wood. Related, by an chance, to Oliver Wood? He certainly seems just as Quidditch obsessed, and Quidditch obsessed characters are always a lot of fun!
Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter-I like how quickly Thalia is settling into her school life, and I'm interested to see where this will go next.
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hi!
I'm glad that you really enjoyed this chapter, as that's always nice to hear! I'm glad that you like Thalia's characterisation, as she's my main character, so it would be bad, if you didn't like it! Yes I thought that would be a nice touch to add to her to, as it made her different to most other girls of her age.
I enjoyed writing that conversation between her and Remus as well, and I found it really cute, that I was tempted to make them go out, but quickly changed my mind!
I'm glad that you liked that Sirius read muggle books, as it did seem rather different for him to do that, but I see it paid off! I love the details about them, as I agree it does make the characters more believable!
Yes George Wood is Oliver Wood's Dad! I thought it would be fun to add that in, as he would have roughly been around with the Marauders! It was fun to include a quidditch obsessed character, as I agree they are fun!
I'm glad that you liked this chapter, and thanks for the great review! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
So the school year has started and they're once again plagued with the nuisance of plenty of homework and boring classes! Such a shame! :)
I liked the interactions you wrote between the characters in this chapter. Not only did they help to show the relationships between the characters, they also showed the possibilities in the future. It's really interesting that Sirius enjoys Muggle books and I can already see the possibilities in this similaritiy between the two of them...
As well, the moment between her and Sirius at the end of the chapter was intriguing because not only did it show that they can get along without fighting, unlike James and Lily, but that there might be feelings of attraction between the two of them... It was such a sweet and simple moment but it speaks volumes about their relationship.
Her rambling thoughts are also an excellent way to provide insight and memories, and I think that you're doing a great job of utilizing this tool without going overboard. I like her randomly inserted thoughts about Professor Binn's mistakes or Prefects.
I noticed a few typos as I was reading through and I'll quickly point them out. To begin, with the phrase "dressed quickly eager to get to the common room" there should be a comma after "quickly" and with the phrase "Cathy is being forced by the evil Heathcliff into marrying his son", "to marry" sounds better than "into marrying" (just a personal opinion, of course). As well, with "It's at least another hour until breakfast starts?" there should be a period, not question mark, since it's a statement, not a question and with "as I recognised it, when I saw who" there period or semi-colon instead of comma.
With "Ha that's just like Sirius, he hates living with his family as well so he escapes into the muggle world to annoy them, so now he reads muggle books and magazines or dates muggle girls" I would break this sentence up into smaller parts. For example, instead of a comma after "Sirius", I would use a period. As well, with "I said eager to get some breakfast" there should be a comma separating "said" and "eager" and with "I always loved going to Alice's house as she lives in St. Ives which is right by the coast so it's always fun to go there", the sentence starts and ends with practically identical sentiment... I would remove one of them (probably the "so it's always fun to go there"). Finally, with "which was in Egypt this year, so it was" I would change comma to a period and remove the "so".
As well, though it was fantastic to see an author focusing on the school aspect of Hogwarts and not just the social aspect of it, it felt as though you were trying to speed through the day. I would love it if you elaborated a little on one of the classroom scenes, perhaps writing out one of the girls' conversations in Potions class. It would help to ground the scenes.
All in all, I think that you did a great job with this chapter. Your characters continue to be interesting and I love the developments you're including. It will be interesting to see if Sirius and Thalia get together before James and Lily, which they probably will since James and Lily didn't get together until after fifth year... And, when they do, what it will do to the dynamics between James and Lily. Thanks for requesting and I hope that my review is helpful!Author's Response: Hi Roots! Thanks for such a quick review, it was appreciated a lot!
I'm glad that you liked the portrayal of their relationships in this chapter, as that was my aim, to lay a basis of them, and of course have a school chapter. I do hate it when stories just focus on the social aspect, so I thought it would be good to include a chapter which is based more on the academic side!
Yes I thought it would be funny to make Sirius read muggle books, and of course it meant that he and Thalia would then have something in common. This actually leads to something as well...
I'm glad that you liked the moment at the end, as that's how I'm starting off their relationship with these little moments. They probably will get together before James and Lily do, as they're actually on vaguely good terms and this is 5th year, and that's a lot more than you can say for James and Lily.
I'm glad that you liked her rambling thoughts, as that what my own tend to be like! I wasn't sure if they would be too weird or boring, so I'm glad to find that's not the case!
Thank you for pointing out those errors! No matter how many times I read through a chapter, there always seems to be a few left, which is so annoying! I'll go and edit them out as well.
I did feel that the chapter was rushing through the school day a little, but I did it because I thought the reader may get bored of just hearing about the lessons. But I agree with you, as I do think that it will make it less rushed and more interesting if I do include some dialogue, so I'll go back and add some in, as there isn't really much in this chapter.
I love your reviews, there so helpful, and you seem to pick out bits, which I and others don't seem to notice! It definitely was helpful, so no worries about that!
-Kiana :D Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here again. :)
While I did catch a few punctuation and grammar issues, this chapter shows a lot of improvement! :)
This is the trickiest error that I spotted: "we came to the agreement that we could bare their annoyance for a couple of hours." Bare in this case should be "bear," it's tricky because both words work as nouns and verbs.
I also found three spots where you used "to" instead of "too." Here they are: "...Peter was severely lacking something in the brains department, his own friends though so to," and "Oh just to congratulate George on the new team, do you want to come to?" and "Hey I'm not just beauty and brawn I have brains to!"
This sentence had me really confused: "But, hey I guess he was used to it given that he was best friends with the person he received that look the most." I think I've figured out that "the person he" should be "the person who." Does that sound right?
I like the conversation between Thalia and George, and the awkward moments she shares with Sirius. They seem realistic, and I like that Sirius has some competition for her affections. Wood isn't made out to be a creep or a jerk, either, and seems to genuinely be interested in her.
I also like how you insert little details about Thalia's parents into the story as it goes, instead of dumping everything out at once. I like that she blackmails James into keeping quiet by threatening to expose his rejection at the Christmas party. :) The details all seem consistent and believable. So far Thalia comes off as a normal girl, and not a Mary Sue.
Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Hi Elphaba!
Thank you for pointing out the errors, I have a school holiday next week, so hopefully as I have the week off, I can give all of my chapters a thorough read through and get rid of those errors!
I'm glad that you liked the conversation between Thalia and George, as I did try and make him come off as nice person, as I do think that he would be nice, and not a jerk!
Ha and yes Sirius, can't always get his own way can he, so I thought it would be fun to introduce a rival for him!
Yes you tend to learn a bit more about her parents as the chapters continue, as I thought it would be more fun that way, rather than revealing everything at once, as otherwise there's no mystery.
Everyone seems to love the fact that James got rejected, and I do have to admit it must have been pretty funny to see someone as big headed as him to be rejected!
I'm glad that she's not coming off as a Mary Sue as I really don't want her to, but it's so hard to do!
Thanks for the great review, it was really useful! Report Review
I was so excited for some banter between Sirius and Thalia but sadly, there wasn't all that much and it ended much too soon.
When I got to the part about Thalia going to talk to George and Lily making a comment about her 'having fun' I was going "I KNEW IT! I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN!"
Sorry, I just expected her to get with George, no idea why, it was just this feeling that I got.
Also, you've got some grammatical errors in this chapter that I think you might want to fix. Feel free to ignore me though.
And the whole part where Thalia and Sirius were baring their souls to each other. I'm sorry, I just couldn't help but gag at that. I was like "oh my God, could you make this any chessier." It's not that the scene was written badly, it's just that I'm not a person for cheesy romance moments.
Hell, even when I have to write them I cringe sometimes because I hate to do it.
I couldn't help but clap my hands in glee after reading your Author's Note and finding out that Fleur's mother had rejected James. That would've been totally awesome if it had actually happened and really funny!
Anyway, great chapter and if you read and review the next two chapter of It Happened Accidentally then I should warn you that I edited chapters 10, 11, 12 and 14 so they're in the cue and haven't been validated yet.Author's Response: Hello again!
Yes I liked the banter, but I felt that it had to end soon, as they don't know each other that well, so it would have been a bit unlikely if they kissed or whatever.
With her and George, you'll find out in the next chapter what happens, so I won't say now ;)
Yeah I know I have some grammar issues, but a have a school holiday next week, so I'll have lots of time then to properly check through, and weed out the errors.
Ah yes James and Fleur's mother I thought that would be fun to add it in!
Thanks for the review, and I'll be off to them soon! Report Review
RRT! Remember, I said that I was going to refer to the Ravenclaw Review Tag as RRT!
Anyway, moving on.
Despite the fact that this was rather long and made up of mostly details and descriptions of just about everything, I enjoyed it. It doesn't sound like such an achievement but I usually get bored when I read chapters like this but this time I wasn't.
I have got no idea how but you've somehow managed to make magic and going to class sound like the most ordinary thing ever.
I also think that Thalia's family life seems really interesting and I'm looking forward to learning more about her family.
Anyway, great work!Author's Response: hello!
Ha I know I found this chapter rather dull, but I find in some stories that they're never at school even though it's at Hogwarts, and I felt that I needed to include this chapter, so I'm glad that you found it interesting.
I'm not really sure whether making magic and going to class is good as ordinary, but I'll just roll with it.
Yes I had fun weaving in more info about her family as the story goes.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Am I back to review chapter 4? Yes, I am! Am I going to review my way through this story? Probably.
I, for one, like shorter chapters, because they're easier to read quickly and you feel less guilty about it when you do it to take a break from something (just one more chapter, I promise myself, as I click the next chapter button for the twelfth time in two hours). But anyways, onto my review!
Can I just say that I love the little details you put into your story. You either live in England, have been to England, or do an insane amount of research concerning your setting, because naming things like Charing Cross Road and St Ives being next to the coast are really nice! I haven't been to England, ever, so I don't actually know much about the places, except from what I learn from Horrible Histories, BBC, and Monoply! Aside from that, the other details you include are lovely, too, such as the name of the second-hand bookstore's shop owner, or which part of Wuthering Heights Thalia's up to. I think it adds a very realistic touch to everything!
So this chapter was filler-y (but I like fillers!), where I felt you were just trying to set the scene up a bit more, and give us a better understanding of Thalia, and how her mind works. I liked the little cameo appearance from Remus - I think it's nice that there's one Marauder that she feels comfortable talking to, and I think that's pretty realistic. The prank was a nice touch, too - just an ordinary day at Hogwarts!
Ooh! Potential romance development at the end there! I'm pretty excited! I love that Sirius is a closet bookworm - and a closet muggle bookworm at that - it makes him so much more adorable!
A nice chapter - looking forward to some more!Author's Response: Hi again!
And feel free to review your way through, I love that :D Wah yeah I prefer shorten chapters than this, but it's just so hard to find the right place to cut it, and I don't want to end up with a story with +100 chapters!
Nope I live in England, I don't think I could bother with all of that research, so I'm glad that you liked it ;D I didn't realise that people outside of the UK watch Horrible Histories, I'm far too old to watch it, but I still love it!
Yes the bit about Wuthering Heights is purely there, because I was up to that bit myself, so I was wondering as well, so I'm glad that you liked those little details:)
Yeah I did have a few filler chapters in a row, but it gets there's about 4 exciting chapters after this one, so hey it balances out in the end :D
Yeah an awful lot of Marauder fics miss out them doing pranks, so I had to include them, as they're such a key part of the books!
Yes Sirius needs some cute traits, he's not all bad, so I thought hey why not make him a bookworm!
Thank you for the review, it was lovely :') Report Review
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