Really liked this chapter, and I loved the whole Lucius v Narcissa thing. I think its great how you've moved away from the normal thing of having Lucius and Narcissa hopelessly in love from the word go.
Only one small thing. In introducing Nixie, Vesper and Drew all in the same chapter, there was a lot of description pertaining to these characters, and it slowed down the pace at the beginning of the chapter. I think I would have waited and introduced Drew in the next chapter. Other than that one small thing, it was great!Author's Response: Thank you for your feedback! My favorite love stories are the ones in which two people go from hating each other to loving each other. I hope you keep reading and leaving great reviews, they're very encouraging :) Report Review
I saw your story pop up at the top of this list so I thought I'd give it a read! Love the start, it really pulls you in. Even thought it is a wholly descriptive chapter, it's great how you hint at what has gone wrong and why she is upset, which prompts the reader to continue!
For me, it's either two things that would make her THIS upset; either Lucius has done something bad/is going to do something bad, Bella had jinxed and killed someone or become a deatheater or, and I really hope it's this, one Andromeda Black has run off with one Ted Tonks!
Can't wait to keep reading!Author's Response: Thank you so much for a wonderful review! I hope you keep reading to find out :) Report Review
Hi there! I'm here with your requested review and I deeply apologise for taking such a long time to come here! Madness has ensued in my life...
Anyway. What a way to drive things away from Cliche Land! Usually, enemies being locked up together end up falling for each other or their hatred toward each other might soften a little... Honestly, that's what I was expecting! And I'll take a wild guess and say that you did this on purpose! You kept on making us believe that this is what's going to happen. I mean, a walk? What a perfect way for them to chat up and get to know each other! Therefore, I really was taking by surprise!
I still adore the way you write Narcissa! You seem to know her so well that she remains consistent and very canon-like as the story goes on. I also believe that your Lucius, especially in this chapter, has been very believable. The way he talked and the way he managed to achieve exactly what he needed to achieve... It's just so like him.
I'm sort of sad this chapter ended so soon, but I think you've chosen an optimum point to stop at. It leaves me intrigued, wondering how she's going to deal, who's going to help her... It's yet another chapter ending with a gripping cliffie.
I cannot wait to see what's going to happen in the next chapter. Well done!
-MannoAuthor's Response: Please don't apologize! I myself have been unable to respond to my recent reviews because of life. I completely understand where you are coming from.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I find your reviews so inspirational and look forward to more of them! xx Report Review
Hi there! I am finally here with your review. Sorry it has taken me so long. Real life can get in the way... a lot.
I really liked this chapter. I LOVED your description at the begining of the chapter, but it kind of seemed liked it sort of died off. Maybe it was because you were ending the chapter that I feel like this. Totally possible.
I really like the way that you characterized Lucius and Narcissa. She is this spit fire that won't tolerate him. I think it's a Black family thing. Lucius is just cold, heart less, but in a way that makes you highly intrigued. I really enjoy this cat and mouse game that they seem to be playing with one another.
I am afraid that Narcissa will get caught and that this will make her lash out more at Lucius in retaliation. I don't think she'll tell on him at all, but a woman scorned or cornered is a dangerous thing in itself. =)
Keep up the great writing!!! I look forward to what else is going to happen.
-SR17Author's Response: No worries dear, I appreciate that you took the time to read my story. I'm glad it was suspenseful for you! My goal was to end it in a way nobody expected. Can't wait to read more of your reviews!! xx Report Review
totes awesome it was the purest of all poetryAuthor's Response: Thank you so much :) Report Review
Wow, I really loved this chapter! It was filled with fun and intrigue! I was already quite excited to read it from the way you left off your last chapter but my excitement was increased throughout this one. It was great how the chapter flowed. There were no parts where I thought it was a bit choppy.
Also, it wasn't boring at all. Everything about it was interesting. Your plot is developing really well and I can see that you've got great ideas planned for this story. Lucius and Narcissa are both very strong characters but I'm glad that you've made them strong in their own way. One thing I see often it the main characters being too similar.
It's a good thing that you've characterized them well. I think their characters play an important role in seizing and understaing the story. Overall, great work! Spelling and grammar mistakes were kept to a minimum, the interest level was high and the flow was amazing. You've got a great story coming along!
MarissaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much love! I'll be requesting again soon when the next chapter is up :) xx Report Review
Hi! Maggie here with your review!
This chapter was fun because we get back to the Lucius we saw at the beginning; arrogant and cunning and all of that. You do a really good job of writing him that way, though I will be interested to see how his character develops in the future.
Narcissa is well-written as always (I loved her dialogue, as well as Lucius'), but I was confused as to why she left the Great Hall with him in the first place. Was she really afraid of being by herself? She doesn't seem like the type. But then again, Hogwarts would be pretty scary at night when it's all dark and empty, so maybe it's understandable. It just caught me by suprise, since Narcissa seems so independent.
I wasn't suprised, however, to see that Lucius had gotten his wand back without anyone knowing. It shows that he'll do anything to get what he wants. And leaving her stranded on the staircase! So mean, but just what I'd expect from him. Like many of your readers, I'm looking forward to seeing how Narcissa chooses to get back at him :)
Your description was especially good all throughout this chapter. I loved your word choice and the way you took the time to set the scene at the beginning. It really makes for a more vivid read, and I enjoyed that a lot :)
Thanks for requesting! I think you've got a fun story here, and I'm interested to see where it goes. I'm going to be closing my review thread for a while since school is starting next week, but I will check back every now and then for updates :) And if you ever want to PM me with a question or something, feel free. Great job!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: As always, an amazing wonderful inspirational review! I tried to make this chapter as random as possible. A lot of people thought it would be a cliche night where they would talk and bond, but BAM, he suddenly leaves her on a staircase floating in midair. *EVIL LAUGH AND WALKS AWAY WHILE SHE CURSES HIM IN HER MIND*
Next chapter will be up soon, thanks bunches!! xx Report Review
Hello, StormThief here :)
Not gonna lie, I was caught off gaurd by the fact that Lucius had his wand and knew the password. I would be so frustrated with him! But its typical Lucius behavior I suppose. He was very IC, and Narcissa as well. I think you're really building up a lot of chemistry(not romantic, just chemistry, if you know what I mean!) and they are both really fun to read together. So good job :) This is a pretty short chapter, so there's not much to critique! I can't wait to see what happens to NarcissaAuthor's Response: Hi there, thanks again for another wonderful review. Yeah the first few are usually shorter than the rest of the chapters, apologies, I must work on that! Thanks for the review love, xoxo :) Report Review
As always, you show your excellent and vast vocabulary and really explore the setting and world of your characters with your description and dialogue! I love the bantering and arguing that goes on between Lucius and Narcissa. They're such an entertaining pair. And Lucius is quite nasty, isn't he? A bad boy may be just a good thing for the strong-headed Narcissa. ;)
I love the pace this is going in; the flow is perfect and nicely timed. Not too quick or slow. I'm excited to see how Narcissa will get out of this and - better yet! - WHAT WILL BE HER REVENGE? muahahah. Oh how I adore revenge.
Once again, marvelous job! Your chapters just keep on improving and continue to keep me enthralled and pulled in. Keep up the good work, you. ;)Author's Response: Aw *GUSHES*
You flatter me much more than I deserve. I always look forward to your wonderful reviews. Thank you so so much love xx Report Review
"This was no longer a game. It was war." I forget how much I loved Narcissa. *sigh* I've missed this story so much, it's so weird. I already know how it's going to end but yet I react to every little thing. Malfoy better watch out, this girl don't play! I can't wait for the rest! Update soon. Fighting GREMLIN!Author's Response: AW reading your review brought back so many memories for me :'( Remember when we would sit in the computer lab and I would just read for you guys while you would "ooh" and "ahh" and "gasp" the whole way through? Good times! I miss you and love you! Thanks for the wonderful review troll xx Report Review
Lucius! That was NOT very nice, now was it?
Hm...I think she'll get caught, but I don't think that she will tell. Maybe she will, but I see her being more interested in getting her own revenge on her own terms, not just getting him another detention he will trick his way out of.
I can't believe he stole his wand back! Or that he just left her there. He really was terribly rude, no?
Poor Narcissa though. I feel so badly for her, the way that he just abandoned her like that, lost in the dark. And even if she does find her way back to the common room, she doesn't know the password.
He is infuriating!
Oh, it will certainly be interesting to see Narcissa get her revenge. She isn't going to just take this, I know that for sure.
~CassieAuthor's Response: Yayy!! First review of the chapter!
Yes Lucius is quite the evil little miscreant! But then again, that's what I love about him ;3
You are definitely right about Narcissa not taking it! She will have her way in the end!
Thanks a bunch for your review love xx Report Review
Hello! :) I see that previous reviewers have covered the typos/etc so I will concentrate mostly on the plot and characterization.
I loved your explanation for why movie-Narcissa had a black streak in her hair. I could never figure that one out myself!
Nixie particularly stands out as an OC in this chapter; I love her name. During the passages where you describe Narcissa's friends, it might help the flow if you were to interweave some conversation.
There was one phrase I'm not sure came out the way you intended it: "unsettling propriety". I'm assuming you mean that Nixie's notions of propriety unsettled people? The way you have it, it's her propriety itself which is unsettling. If I've misinterpreted your meaning, I apologize.
I'm glad your Narcissa has enough fire to stand up to Lucius. I definitely laughed when he called her a zebra and when she Stupefied him. It certainly shows later on in her life in the books that she does have the strength to be an equal partner with him. It'll be fun to see how they finally fall for each other! Entertaining chapter, thanks for requesting!Author's Response: Thanks a ton for your review dear, it's much appreciated! I love Nixie as well, it's not something you her everyday :)
As for that phrase, I meant to target her propriety, but thanks anyways! xx Report Review
Hey there! Sorry for the slight delay in getting this review off to you -- I feel like yesterday's site closure totally threw off my entire schedule. :) But I'm back now for chapter three!
Ah, yes. I did foresee a detention in Narcissa's immediate future -- and I rather liked your OC Charms professor, too. A sort of combination of McGonagall and Madam Pince, I thought! It rather serves Narcissa right, I think, both the detention and having to serve it with Lucius.
And now I'm curious about what Lucius told her! Now that I look back, though, surely Drew hates Lucius for a specific reason... Hmm. I'll be rather interested in knowing the outcome of that small mystery -- does Narcissa end up asking Drew about it?
There were only a few very small things I saw:
A few hours and many reprimandments later -- 'Reprimandments' isn't a word; I think the one you intended to use was 'reprimands.' :)
Another thing that sort of stuck out to me in this chapter was that a lot of words -- especially when describing your characters -- seemed to repeat. One that I can remember off the top of my head is the use of the word 'smug' in referring to Cilia, which happened on several occasions. It's a perfectly lovely word, mind, but it also has its fair share of lovely synonyms! Or perhaps you could describe another aspect of her -- haughty, sharp, etc. It's things like that that really build your characters in your readers' minds. Just thought I'd mention it to you!
Overall, another well-written chapter of this story. You're moving things along quite well, and it seems like you've got a firm handle on this story, which is very good to see. Good job, and thank you for requesting another review from me! :)Author's Response: No worries at all, I completely understand. I myself am quite busy and sometimes lag at responding to reviews :p
Yes, I rather like Professor Septima as well. I didn't want to use McGonagall specifically, but someone who was in a way similar to her.
Lucius and Drew do have a past! It will all be revealed within the next few chapters. She doesn't go to Drew directly, which results in a bit of drama bursting forth *sigh*
You see, I wasn't sure if reprimandments was a word or not. Some people told me it was, some told me it wasn't. I just decided to use it, but I"m going to take your word for it and change it to reprimands right after responding to your review. Thank you so much for clearing me up on that.
Also, I should add that sometimes I have an unfortunate habit of being redundant. Thank you for catching that repetition for me. I think I am going to change one of the words to complacent instead.
Thank you bunches for another wonderful review. You really help motivate me with your feedback. I appreciate your honesty, and I'll definitely be back for more review requests :) xx Report Review
Hello -- TenthWeasleyWriter here, back again for your requested review! You weren't specific in your request as to what you wanted me to look over; therefore, I'll just be doing general reviews again. :)
I am again most struck by your writing style -- and I think I've figure out why! If I can say so without sounding strange, or arrogant, or whatever, it really does remind me of the way that I used to write fan fiction. My style's changed a lot since returning to write basically full-time in January 2011, but I've been writing it for years, and this sounds very much like something I'd have put down at one time. It makes me smile to read a very similar style in someone else's writing!
This chapter was much less vague than your previous one, and I see now how it ties in with everything. I'm very curious to see how things are going to play out, knowing now about the apparent animosity between Lucius and Narcissa. I very much enjoyed your characters here -- especially Drew, for some reason! He actually spoke my favorite line in this chapter:
“Has anyone seen a blonde haired minx? She’s stolen my heart and refuses to give it back.” -- That's a clever bit of writing, that! I'll be watching for more of his relationship with Nixie; so far, I'm enjoying that the most. Though there is, of course, the literal and figurative sparks darting between Lucius and Narcissa to watch for, too!
There were only a few things I spotted worth mentioning:
Ever since Narcissa had dyed a streak of her long blonde hair black during her fifth year, her friends, particularly Nixie, had began calling her a skunk. -- In this sentence, "had began" doesn't flow with the tenses. Either "began" or "had begun" would work better.
As the Black's and the Malfoy's were both very prestigious families -- I see this in a LOT of fan fiction, so you're definitely not alone in making this mistake, but plural nouns do not need apostrophes. Those are solely to show possession. :) So here, "Black's" would change to "Blacks" and "Malfoy's" would change to "Malfoys."
Other than that, though, this was a very good chapter! Again, I've just got to impress upon you my admiration of your knowing how to write. It makes for a much better story, and you've got both the mechanics bit and the storytelling bit of writing down. Very well done!Author's Response: I can honestly say your review has made my day so much better than what it started out to be. I'm flattered that my writing style brings up memories for you, especially since you see yourself reflected in my writing. That means a lot :)
I'm really glad you enjoyed reading this chapter. Lucius and Narcissa are my favorite couple and so I do my best to bring them into the light.
I also love Drew and Nixie as characters. Drew especially, so I understand where you're coming from. He is rather dreamy ;p
You see when I was first writing, I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be begun or began, so I really really appreciate the help! I will be editing that in just a moment!
Also, now that you mention it, I see my mistake with the apostraphes. Thank you so much for pointing that out. What would I have done without your feedback?
As I love your wonderful reviews, I will be back to request for chapter 3 soon. Thank you so much :) xx Report Review
hey, its Whiskey, back for another review :D
Ok, a few comments:
1) "She smiled, unable to hide the euphoric feeling of shunning his pride." Maybe I didn't get something here but to shun kind of means the exact opposite of what you are trying to say? She did not spare his pride, but undermined or damaged it, right?
2)"A stern lady she was, with crystal grey eyes that were enhanced by a long, pointy hat." It is not clear, to me, how crystal grey eyes and a pointy hat can enhance eachother. I suppose you mean that they are both stern and piercing?
3)"...she stood up and faced the big blonde beast."
haha that's cute! But "big beast" when describing a man almost always implies burliness and unkemptness...maybe change the words a little bit? Like: the "ferocious blond monster" or "insufferable blond nightmare", something focusing more on how difficult he is rather than making him seem powerful.
3) "...or are you just so used to the hoard of house-elves your family has collected over the years?" Elf-rights and doing things yourself are ideas that I recall as not very Slytherin pure-blood friendly :P These people basically think they are royalty and expect others to wait on them, so I was a bit surprised by Narcissa saying such a thing, considering how some of her other attitudes (like her opinion on Muggles) have been consistent with the pure-blood view so far.
There are a few other slightly awkward things, but its nothing that a careful edit won't fix :)
I like the pace your story is taking, not too fast but not too slow, getting right to the point.
Lucius has gained more character in this chapter and its working out nicely. I liked when he stared her down from accross the table!
One thing I'd like to see in this story is some inter-House dynamic. Narcissa's nemesis is also a Slytherin, which is great and unusual, but it still makes me wonder what is going on in the other Houses? Are there any differences in the Hogwarts social politics during Narcissa's time in comparisson to Harry Potter's time? Are there any differences between the way Slytherins are amongst themselves and the way the Gryffindors are amongst themselves?
I really hope I was helpful, since I'm liking this story very much so far! Feel free to rerequest as soon as you've updated, i'd be happy to read more!!Author's Response: Hello there again!
I'd like to say thank you for the meticulous and honest review. It really makes me happy to know that you dedicated so much time and effort to help improve my story. I will definitely be taking in all your feedback.
Once again, I really appreciate your advice. It has really helped me with writing this story. Thank you xx Report Review
Hey there, it's Whiskey from the forums!
First of all, yay minor characters getting their own story, and so much more yay at getting to read about Slytherins! Basically, I like the story already ;)
Hmmm, lets see (I hope you don't mind me merging the prolog review with this one, btw) :
The summary is sweet and simple, yet exciting... and the prolog successfully continues with the same winning strategy. Had me hooked from the start!
One thing I can say to the prolog, though, is that it might gain some more color from a description of HOW Narcissa is upset (frustrated at her own weakness/confused by the power of her own feelings/ exhausted from overthinking and willing to finally surrender to raw emotion... you know, something like that). So far, I mostly saw you describe THAT she was upset. Don't get me wrong, the way you captured her actions immediately made her relatable, pitiable and sweet, and provided for a captivating scene, but diving inside her head more might have added some spice.
This chapter (Chapter 1) also had a few highlights that I must gush about!
First of all, I just loved this description: "Nixie, like her, had fair blue eyes and silky blonde hair, although Nixie's hair was a curly wonderland compared to Narcissa's tame, sleek style."
It's a simple sentence but it accomplishes so much. Not only does it inform us about the way the characters look, but it also implies things about their personalities. It might be just me, but often, when I'm reading about several unfamiliar characters at once, their appearance descriptions tend to get scrambled together in my brain and I can't even begin to tell them apart a few paragraphs later. But with this one sentence, you basically prevented this from ever happening through a few simple details that not only gave me a visual, but also a feeling for the characters.
The same goes for your introduction of Drew and Vesper.
But I am not sure I can say that about Lucius... Maybe i've been desensitized against the arrogant dreamy rich boy type of character, but I found him more difficult to imagine than the rest. Maybe try adding some personal detail to accompany his entrance (something we don't know yet), like the particular way his robes fit him, or, jee, I dunno, some slightly unusual thing about the way he looks at people or frowns, etc.
This brings me to one more point: So far, you seem to have a predominantly tell, not show, kind of narrattion. I can't really make up my mind about whether I like that or not, since both methods have their merits. Besides, sometimes it makes more sense to construct a basis of given knowledge in the minds of the readers by simply telling them how things are and hoping they take your word for it. This allows them to have some guidelines for interpreting what happens later on in the story. So this is not a critique, but more of an observation. I would advise you, though, to mix in a bit more moments where the reader has to read between the lines and make up their own mind.
I hope I didn't come accross as too critical and that this was of some help :)Author's Response: Woohoo! Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it and look forward to more of your reviews :) Report Review
I am finally here with your review and I want to firstly apologize for taking so long. real life got in the way of me getting this done sooner.
I really liked this chapter. I thought it carried over well from the second chapter. It flowed nicely and I didn't see any areas that were confusing or messy in transitioning and conversation.
The description was brilliant in this chapter. I loved Professor Septima. The way you described the bony finger was easy to picture this professor that could rival that of Professor McGonagall. You were also able to contibute some humor into the piece which I thought lightened it a lot considering that the characters you are working with can be considered darker.
The pace of the chapter was smooth and easy to follow. You broke it down and it really made it easy to picture. Your characterization of Lucius and Narcissa was flawless. You really have a strong grip on your characters and their mannerisms.
Overall, I really liked this chapter. I love the way that you characterize Lucius and Narcissa. I loved the description and the tidbits of humor contrasting the darker side of the chapter.
Keep up the great writing! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Please, don't apologize at all! I completely understand where you are coming from, as I myself have done the same thing before. No worries love :)
I can honestly say that I love your reviews, and always always always look forward to them. You always give me such positive energy with what you say and motivate me to improve my writing.
I'm very ecstatic that my writing style is of interest to you, and that you enjoy my descriptions. I like to describe to the point of understanding, as opposed to boredom, if that makes sense :p
Once again, thank you for the wonderful review, and I look forward to more of them. Thanks bunches!! xx Report Review
Hi it's Aether here from the forums again. I looked back, and it seems that someone from a different account (Imsocorkyy) requested it. Hah, hah. Weird!
This was a nicely written chapter. I think you do a great job of capturing the rivalry between Lucius and Narcissa. Also, you've left me wanting more because of the promise of an exciting night. I hope that they don't kill each other! Hah, hah. ;)
Now for the more critical part. This is all personal preferences and ideas for how I feel this story could be made more interesting and engaging. I feel like this story could use a bit more creativity. This may be a matter of personal preference, but I feel that things are a bit predictable, and I feel that I've read many stories with this general formula.
Narcissa's friends are like many other OCs I've read on this site. They're beautiful, fiery, pureblood and rich, with very few flaws. I can tell that you love your OCs very much, but sometimes that affects how realistic they are.
As an author, I like to treat characters like friends, not my children. I take a step back and consider what makes them different and interesting. I've had some great friends, but I certainly didn't love everything about them. They had flaws. Maybe they weren't pretty, maybe they spoke out of turn all the time, maybe they couldn't keep a secret, maybe they weren't always nice, maybe they spent too much time obsessing about grades - but I appreciated them for those flaws. It was part of them, just as much as their good traits. It makes them real. Narcissa's friends sound like movie stars. I don't feel like I really know them, even with Narcissa's description of their hair, eyes and spirit. It falls a bit flat for me.
What creative bit can you add to their character? I'm often inspired to write characters like people I've met in real life. That definitely helps me a lot in thinking about personalities and keeping characters original and engaging.
Also, at this point the plot feels a bit formulaic: Boy and girl hate each other, Boy and girl eventually talk and it out, They fall in love. (with a lot of stuff in between). This is fine. Many romantic novels follow general formulas set down by publishing companies. I just feel, personally, that it hinders creativity.
This is just an opinion, and it's not meant to be a 'this is how it's supposed to be' critique.
I think you're doing a great job of showing the rivalry between Narcissa and Lucius, and there are no obvious grammatical errors in this chapter that I picked up on. I think you've written a nice story so far, and thanks for requesting! I hope my comments are helpful. :) Keep writing!
AetherAuthor's Response: Hello Aether!
Yes, at the time, I didn't have an account on the forums, so my friend had requested reviews for me. Very sweet of her :)
I appreciate the honesty you expressed about my characters, and though I do love them, I can understand where you are coming from. Their characters will develop further in the coming chapters, so hopefully that counts for something.
Also, I'll have you know that this isn't a typical cliche story where they simply just fall in love after spending some time with each other. I already have the story written, and there are quite a few bumps on the road, the biggest one to come yet. But once again, I appreciate your advice to the max.
Thanks a bunch xx Report Review
Hi! I'm here with your requested review :) [you said in your request chapters two and three but I only review one at a time, just so you know ;)]
One think that definitely sparks curiosity is the fact that Voldemort is on Narcissa's list. I really like your reasoning, and I'm interested to see how that will play in her eventual relationship with Lucius.
Narcissa seems very affectionate towards her friends, and I guess I'm not sure yet if that's a good thing or not. In a way all of the things have me interested; I'm looking for the transformation of her character through the story if this is the way she is starting out. I thought the inclusion of the 'black streak' through her hair was a neat touch. :p
Alright, so we've got her two best friends. You've given me the few paragraphs of lovely descriptions about them, but the information doesn't stick with me. I'm getting the two of them confused because it was a block of text all at once. Try working in details subtly, and showing me of telling me. It'll develop their characters if you work some of those descriptive details into the dialogue. Maybe, after her friends tease Narcissa for her skunk hair, have Narcissa retort about Nixie's pixie haircut (because it rhymes :p)
And then we have the tension :) I guess the one thing that confused me was her attitude towards Lucius. I understand it's setting up that lovely sexual tension to have the two dislike eachother, but why? In Narcissa's list she mentions she doesn't like muggles, and she already seems to be a purist, just doesn't follow Voldemort. Is it just the fact that Lucius is ready to join the death eaters that is causing all of her hatred towards him? (you don't have to answer that if it's going to ruin your plot, just my guessing :p)
You've got a lot of really interesting dynamics set up and I'd love to read on. I don't really read too many Lucius/Naricssa stories so I'd love to know what will happen to change Narcissa's mind. Feel free to re-request, great job!
-JulieAuthor's Response: Thank you for the honesty! I'm glad you enjoyed reading my story, and I'll have you know that I'll definitely be working on character development in the coming chapters. Thank you xx Report Review
Hello -- TenthWeasleyWriter here, stopping off with your requested review!
The first thing that struck me about this story was that you really seem to have quite a good handle of grammar and spelling and punctuation, and that is something I love to see. I won't judge a story's content based on the mechanics of writing, and have read many stories that break these rules right and left, but my rather finnicky and peculiar nature spots every one of these things regardless. Not having to stop and analyze a misplaced comma or improper capitalization really does make me happy.
This is an interesting start to your story, too, although admittedly I'm not entirely sure what your story is about. There isn't a lot of plot revelation, apart from perhaps the last two paragraphs. We do get a very good sense of Narcissa's emotions here, however, and it couldn't be more clear that she's upset about something; I do wonder about that! You say she's heartbroken -- is it Lucius, or someone else? Ah, but I do think reading on would probably give me the answers. :)
For your first fan fiction, this is quite good! I'm sorry the review couldn't be a bit longer; it is rather a short chapter, and I haven't much more to comment on than plot and mechanics. If you've got any questions, you can feel free to ask me, too. Thank you for requesting a review from me!Author's Response: Thank you so much, I really try my best to triple check my grammar all the time. Grammar errors are my pet peeves, not going to lie :o
Yes, this chapter was rather short, but then again it is a prologue. I'm hoping to see more of your feedback in the future chapters, which are more in depth with plot and characterization.
Thank you again, I really appreciate it xx Report Review
Why hello again.
This was definitely another fun and interesting chapter! I love Narcissa. I've never been a huge fan of her but what she did for Harry in DH has given her a special place in my heart so to see her in Hogwarts is a big change. I had no idea what to expect from a teenage Narcissa but your story has me believing that this was exactly what she was like.
It's fun, interesting and definitely exciting! You catch the reader's attention right away and keep the attention all throughout the chapter. I love the way you write and the added humour makes the chapter even more loveable. You've got a unique writing style which works for you. So far, I've loved every chapter more than the other. You made Narcissa so vulnerable in the first and so independent in the next two.
The difference isn't overwhelming because I can see how she could change between the two. Lucius is quite the devil isn't he? I find myself wanting to see him more and more and when the chapter ended, I was a bit disappointed that there wasn't more to read but I can't wait for you to write your next chapter!
Amazing! Keep up the good work you've been doing throughout the story so far.
-marissa lily potterAuthor's Response: Yay!! Another awesome review :)
Narcissa is one of my favorite characters ever, and I'm glad you're starting to like her more as well. She needs to be more recognized by everyone because she has such a big part in the series.
I'm so glad you enjoyed reading this chapter, and thank you :) It's people like you who motivate me to write more!!
Thank you!! xx Report Review
So this was definitely an interesting chapter! When I read in your summary that Lucius and Narcissa clash, I expected nothing of this sort. But nevertheless, I am very pleased! The surprise was a good one. I like how you defined both Narcissa's and Lucius' personalities. They're very different but you know the saying, "opposites attract." ;) Going back in time was a nice touch and it makes the first chapter even better.
I can't wait to see how the rest of the story plays out. You have already set up Narcissa Black as a very strong character and I love that. What I would love to see is that same strength in character that you have for Narcissa, in Lucius Malfoy. Sometimes, authors go about having one strong character interact with a weaker character. Seeing as you'll have them interact, I think that Lucius' character should be equally strong.
Grammar, spelling, punctuation was all great. Nice work with that! I wasn't expecting Narcissa to be so hostile but it was amusing so it's all good. Narcissa's friends are interesting. I can't wait to see what roles they will play in the story. Also, I love their names. They're so unique and thoughtful. Anyway, great work with this chapter as well! :)
-marissa lily potterAuthor's Response: Another wonderful review, thank you thank you thank you :D
I'm glad this chapter was a surprise for you! I always try to twist things up so they're not what people expect them to be, you know?
Lucius Malfoy will develop a lot more in the coming chapters, and so will Narcissa and her friends.
Thanks bunches love xx Report Review
Wow, I absolutely love the attention to detail in this chapter! You described everything so well and the imagery portrayed was amazing. I could feel myself a part of this story, sort of like I was in a pensieve and watching it happen from a third-party perspective. That's my favourite, when I'm able to do that I have to congratulate you on being able to.
Narcissa Black is a very interesting character. I have never read a story where the focus is on her during her Hogwarts year so I'm pleasantly surprised with this one. She seemed like such a strong, independent woman but I like how you portray her as human too. She has feelings just like everyone else and it's very interesting to see her struggles.
The first chapter was lovely! It caught my attention right away from the very first sentence. And it kept my attention throughout the remainder of the chapter. The way you left it open was well done. It makes me intrigued and wanting to know what'll happen! It was a great start and I can't wait to see more from you!
-marissa lily potterAuthor's Response: Oh gosh! *blushes*
Thank you so much for the wonderful review :) I'm glad you enjoyed reading my prologue. I try to be very meticulous, and I'm ecstatic that you noticed.
Narcissa is a very wonderful character, but is unfortunately misunderstood by many people. I hope that with my stories, many people will change their perspectives about her.
Thanks bunches love xx Report Review
EM here with another requested review!
Grammar/ spelling: Two thumbs up! You're safe on this part.
Characterizations: You have definitely captured Narcissa and Lucius on this one. I liked your details on them at the very beginning of the chapter as it really reminded me of who they really are as they aged. However, I don't know if its just me but they seemed to have softened up a bit as the chapter went along. This is good because it makes them seem more human especially for Lucius. I can't wait how they continue to grow ^_^
Plot: Love it! Detention, getting locked out of their Slytherin Common Room. Be careful though because I have seen quite a few stories that goes through this same path then their characters magically fall in love. It's become quite a cliche not only for this pair, but for others as well (Draco/ Hermione, Harry/ OC etc.). I'd really like to see something uniques happen between them ^_^
I hope i wasn't too harsh on this review! This really has the potential to be awesome!
Happy Writing!Author's Response: Hey there, woohoo! Another review :P
They did soften up a bit, but then again, they will develop much further in the coming chapters.
Honestly, detention was very fun to write! Let me just say, I promise that I have nothing cliche in mind at all. You'll just have to wait and find out hahaha.
Thank you so much, your review was wonderful and a joy to respond to. Thanks bunches love xx Report Review
I'm not exactly sure how I missed that this had been updated? Oh well, I'm here now, hoping that you ascribe to the thought that late is better than never.
Well, that's quite the punishment that they got for Narcissa trying to Stun Lucius :P I think it is funny in an ironic way that their punishment was the clean the Great Hall muggle style, when muggles are something that they despise so much. Very clever.
I like Narcissa. I think she has the haughtiness she feels she deserves as a high standing pureblood, but underneath it all she is kind as well. She isn't all bad. Just a little...misguided!
Great chapter :)
~CassieAuthor's Response: No worries at all, I appreciate your review very much :)
I'm glad you found their punishment entertaining. I'm not going to lie, it was quite fun to write.
I like Narcissa as well. I just think she's seriously misunderstood by some people.
Thanks again love xx Report Review
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