I think the thing that stands out most to me in this succinct one-shot was the emotions. You managed to bring those out and make it clear though the format was mainly dialogue. It takes more than a little skill to actually fit something relevant into 500 words and you managed to do that here.
I did spot some spelling and grammar errors but, as I am currently on my iPad which is not conducive to copy-pasting, I will trust your eyes or perhaps that of a quick beta to help you spot it.
I also had a little bit of a confusion as to what emotion Narcissa is trying to display in the 1 year later section. I becomes clearer as they continue talking but initially, she is yelling yet also trying to hold back laughter while being angry at the same time? Anyway, that was the itty bitty point I had a problem with.
The Malfoys, to me, came off largely family oriented in the books. Now whether that was family pride or family affection is something fanfic writers take liberty in exploring. Sometimes, passing off their actions as affectionate can seem false. That is not the case here.
Thinking of Lucius and Narcissa as these young parents so in love with their child that they would do what they can to protect him...it's believable and sad because of that.
xCharAuthor's Response: Power and green can take people over, I believe there was a time before that got the best of Lucius Malfoy, and he really thought he was giving his child the best chance possible.
I'll look through it for typos, thank you :)!
I think the confusion is how I have it set up. At first it's just a playful afternoon with Draco messing around on a toy broom, then her curiosity gets the best of her and she asks if they have a new mission from Voldemort. Voldemort has given them a bit of 'free time' but also hints to the future of bringing Draco into their ring of Death Eaters. This is what starts devastating Narcissa and when the yelling starts.
I'll have to go back through that and see if I can smooth it out without adding to the 500 word count!
Thank you so much for your review! Report Review
Hi! I really loved the idea of showing that parent's love is unconditional, even if you happen to be a death eater. It's good to smudge the line between good and evil, it makes it more real. Real people after all make bad choices and good choices daily, the effects of such actions just vary. =)
Dialogue was wonderful, it was a real discussion and very emotional. I loved it. =)Author's Response: I don't know how I didn't respond to this! Oh my goodness! Thank you so much for the review, I am so happy the discussion seemed real and that Lucius and Narcissa came off as exacltly what they were, parents.
I still can't believe I forgot to respond to this, that little submit button gets the best of me sometimes.
Thank you for bringing a smile to my face once again, it was so nice reading back on the review (and replying to it)! Report Review
ooh. Very clever. I like what you did with this. The entire time I was reading I was thinking Lily/James. Which I'm so glad it wasn't... my canon-sensitive heart was balking at the characterization of them. Lily and James -- their reluctance and bitterness. And I was like WOAH. ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT DUMBLEDORE LIKE THAT? and was all ready to type out this nicely worded reviews chalk full of gentle, constructive criticism -- and then BAM. You pulled the old switcheroo and suddently, everything made sense and fell into place and my need to defend canon fell to the wayside because this, this was VERY well written. I think you did a great job with the Malfoys characterization without giving it away. Gah. I can't even find the right words to praise you with, but well done... very, very clever trickery on your part.
Touche. I was very impressed with this.
-MelissaAuthor's Response: I wish I had a 'reading reviews camera' so you could have watched my face while I read this!
I am so ridiculously ecstatic that I tricked you!! The fact that I had to list charters is killing that sense of trickery for most people's readings. I don't really look at the characters when choosing a story to review, I just read the summary, and I'm so happy you seem to do the same!
Really, this idiotic looking huge smile is still plastered on my face from your review.
It took so much of my (already lacking) self control to not give out more of them by their characteristics, trying to keep their sentences vague and such. Good thing it was the 500 world challenge so I could get away with giving little detail ;).
Thank you for your extreme smile inducing review!!! Report Review
This story is nice, short and sweet. It gives us a beautiful look into the house of Draco Malfoy, and how his future is definately not his to choose.
The way you made Draco soound like a problem is simply perfect, and is very fitting. The characters are very beliveable, and stay canon whilst still having your own flair.
My only issue is the last sentence; did you mean to say, "Her arms gathered the bundle of blonde hair and blue eyes close to her chest, *she* needed to feel their hearts beat together." ??? If not then you may want to make that end a little smoother.
Your detail is great. There isn't too much or too little. The story flows nicely, and it was very easy for me to read.
I lied, I have another problem. I want more of this story! lol... I very much enjoy your writting, and look foward to reading more in the future.Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful review!
This was written for a 500 word challenge, and forgot to change 'needed' to 'needing' after I removed the 'she,' thank you for catching that for me!!
Am so happy you enjoyed this story, the Malfoy's hold a bit of fascination for me.
I look forward to hearing your opinions with my other stories, too!
Thanks for reading and reviewing! Report Review
Hey! Dropping by from the review tag -- and let me tell you, when I saw that this was a Lucius/Narcissa story I clicked on this immediately. :3 I've been reading a fic lately that's really made me warm up to this pairing, and the more I read of them, the more I love them.
I loved the emotions you put into this one-shot. You really showed readers that, yes, the Malfoys are human and that's really awesome to see -- so often, they're Slytherins without feeling, without caring, and that just isn't true. Narcissa, especially, was great in how obvious it was that she cared for Draco, even before he was born. I loved that!
And I loved the bit about Draco being a "benefit" too, especially knowing what he went on to do (or, rather, failed to do) for Voldemort in HBP. He was just a child there, too, when you think about it, and that makes that line in the second part of your story -- the bit about his being a pawn -- that much more hard-hitting. I love re-reading the books now (though I have many, many times!) because I always feel that when I first read them, I was too young to get a lot of it. That's partially why I love fan fiction; it really opens my eyes to a lot of the series's subtleties. :)
But anyway, enough of me rambling. Congratulations on completing a 500-word Every Word Counts one-shot! I've written I think four of these, now, and they're just so much fun. And not everyone can do them! You write a very good Lucius/Narcissa, and I'll be looking forward to getting the chance to visit your page again before too long. :)
Good job!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! Having to lists the characters messed me up in this story, I have it set up so that if you don't know who is speaking, it comes off as the Potters.
Lucius and Narcissa are slowly turning into one of my ships I like writing, though Draco and Astoria are kind of cutting in line with them!
Your review made my smile so much! I completely understand what you mean about not really getting all of it when you read them at a young age. They are the kind of books that can be re-read a million times and you still wont pick up on every tiny little hint, foreshadowing, or detial.
I hope to see you around here again, your review was such a perfect thing to wake up to! Report Review
Ooh, this was lovely. You are a fantastic storyteller and the way you used dialogue to tell the story of Lucius and Narcissa (who, by the way, are one of the few canon ships I ship, so you get another point for that) is very original, so well done for that.
A few technical errors:
-Typos. Typos typos everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Or something. (I make all my weirdest/worst jokes when I've just come home from school.) Mostly a lack capital letters after dialogue which is not immediately succeeded with something like, "she said".
-Draco's eyes are grey, not blue. (Don't ask me how I know that, I remember the strangest details.)
-The change in mood in the second half could have been done better. Honestly, this is just a case of moving the 'the happiness evaporated' sentence to before Narcissa's questions, just so we don't get lost.
-It's not clear, in the second half, whether what Draco isn't ready for and what the Malfoys' mission is are the same thing, and that confused me a bit. That might be just me, but I've reread it and reread it and I still don't get it. I'm not saying I'm not stupid, but I'm usually not that stupid.
This was great, though, honestly. You get a real sense of Narcissa's maternal feelings and it's just so adorable while also being so sad. I can totally imagine this happening in canon before PS/SS exactly as you've written it, so well done. :)Author's Response: Thank you for catching the eye color! I should have known... But with the typos, I'm having the hardest time with dialogue punctuation. I have researched things that say no matter what after the dialogue ends, never capitalize, some of my books have a capitol after the ." and some don't. The HP ones don't, my Judi ones do, maybe it's a British thing? Haha.
I'll look into changing them mood smoother, this is for a 500 words only challenge, so I can't do much more explaining, but I do want to eventually elaborate this into a one shot!
I honestly don't know what their mission is either, I just wanted a way to bring them back to the reality of their lives. As for their discussion about Draco, when they are talking about the Dark Lord seeing advantages, that is implying making a future death eater out of him.. maybe? haha!
Thank you so much for your review! I will definitely read over and see what I can change without actually adding or taking words away, and I am on a mission to get to the bottom of the dialogue punctuation once and for all! Report Review
Wow. This was really, really well done. You had me going until literally the last paragraph, convinced that this was about James, Lily and Harry. I could even see some of the same characterization you've used with James and Lily in your other story. Bravo for fooling me completely!
It's a very unconventional portrayal of Lucius and Narcissa, especially him. It isn't hard to imagine her being very frightened for Draco. She's reacting as any mother would in an especially dangerous situation. For Lucius, it seemed that you had him on the brink of turning away from the Dark Lord and fleeing at certain points, which was out of the ordinary and actually not 100% out of character.
This was nicely written, although I think I can see one of two places where you had to cut a dialog tag in order to hit the magic 500 words. It wasn't hard to follow, but some sentences did take a second reading to figure out who was talking. It's a difficult challenge, and you did well with it.
Overall, some masterful story-telling. I enjoyed it thoroughly!Author's Response: I am so happy that you were tricked! I wish I would have just lied on the description of characters in the about story part, but I'm ecstatic I fooled the master of plot twists!
Poor Lucius let the need for power completely take over him and eat away that little bit of goodness I tried to portray in this. I'm happy you didn't find his reluctance completely out of character, it was important for me to show just a glimpse of a soul in this.
Thank you for your review and sweet words!
-J Report Review
Every word did count.
I had no idea that it was Narcissa and Lucias that you were talking about, i so totally thought it was Lily and James.
Again, you're an incredible writer!Author's Response: Yay, I am so happy you were tricked! That was my main goal here!
Thank you so much lovely Report Review
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