Reading Reviews for Wounded Vexation
  
41 Reviews Found

Review #26, by WeepingWillows Purebloods and Mudbloods

19th April 2012:
I just love your Draco :)

I think you write him just perfectly. You have him in character and I can actually picture the tone of his voice while you're writing him. It's refreshing to see that you write Draco the way he should be written and not a sugar-coated version of him.

I like Amelia's boldness and I loved the argument between her and Draco about blood. I also loved Amelia's comeback with her telling Draco that his mother obviously didn't care too much about her blood. That was perfect. :)

So far the plot flow is good and actually I didn't think that the grammar was that bad at all :) I didn't catch any noticeable or huge errors anyways!

So well done! :D Keep up the good work.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

I am glad that you like how I write Draco. I love writing him. =) I am so happy it is refreshing because it can get a tad annoying when he is glazed over. That is the one thing I am trying to avoid. Make him grow up yes, but I don't think you can ever really make him fully change 100% you know?

Amelia is my brain child! =) I am so glad that you like her. I was nervous writing an OC because I've never done it before, so I am glad to see this feedback. She is a firecracker that's for sure and I really wanted to make sure that I created someone who could present a challenge to Draco. I really liked that comeback too. That is what I would always think about when I would read the books and Draco would taunt Hermione.

I am glad to hear that my grammar didn't make you want to run away from the computer. =D I have been working really hard on improving it. So I am happy to see that there weren't a lot.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to read and review. Thank you for the encouragement!

-SR17


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Review #27, by Moonyxluna Purebloods and Mudbloods

15th April 2012:
The beginning with Draco and Mr. Lamport carrying in Narcissa was such a sad thought. It was really beautifully written, but it was sad! It is such a neat idea that Narcissa would only allow Amelia to watch over her. (Probably looking too much into it, but it's almost like Narcissa is leaving Draco with this awesome girl that she approves of :p)

Draco! These are the awful first impressions we talked about! He does remember her! and, even though his mum picked her out of everyone else he still acts with such distain towards her. Looking ahead, I can't wait to read what you do to make his character mature through this story.

--"I know you now me or at least you should :I think now should be know?--

OH wait! They used her hair for the polyjuice potion for Crabbe and Goyle when Draco was repairing the vanishing cabinet! that's way cool! Brilliant to bring in that little bit of canon information to remind the reader of HBP :)

The way you had Narcissa enter into the 'blood purity' argument was perfect. It brings in my next point on how I love how you are writing Draco. You aren't making him that 'misunderstood' soul- he's a bully, and bitter person. It's fantastic to see you taking the challenge of really bringing him through a lot to grow up.

-- Gibby nodded and her ears waved rapidly nearly knocking her off balance as she bowed. I thought this was so adorable! I just think house elves are the cutest things. I think you should re-vamp the sentence because it felt a little awkwardly worded. I would say: "Gibby nodded so enthusiastically as she tried to bow, that her large ears threw her off balance." or something like that.

Absolutely beautiful imagery of the garden. And I loved the way you wrote Draco's mannerisms in that little scene. It seems like he's got some realizations going on in that little moment and seeing it through Amelia's eyes was really interesting.

--Her intrigue pulled at her even though she knew he... I would add a comma or a dash after 'her', I feel like there should be a pause there. I swear I'm not trying to be nit-picky, but that's such an important moment in the chapter/story for the first realization of Amelia that there may be something more to Draco, that I want it to be perfect.

I'm really really going to hope the ring was one that belonged to his dad and he's mad about his father's upbringing on him and I'm just freaking out over nothing that it's not a wedding ring.

I really love what you have with Amelia's character. I think you have a really fantastic start to this story and I am looking forward to seeing how these two will (hopefully) develop into something more over time. I'm dreading reading about if/when Narcissa dies. It's looming over the relationship from the pair in a really dreadful way and I don't want it to happen! Really great work on this. You shouldn't be worried about her character; I really like her so far. She's nice, but she's got that little bit of a fire when someone insults her/her family. Great work!

Author's Response: It was sad to write about them walking through the door with Narcissa. I wanted it to sort of set the tone for the chapter in a way or a least have it draw readers in.

Yeah there is another one of those bad first impressions. No matter what he does or anyone else does, he fights it and he really shouldn't.

I am glad you liked that little unique twist with her hair and it being used for the polyjuice potion. I had to tie them together some how and when I saw her as a blonde this idea popped into my head. I am glad that it was well liked and well recieved. I really wanted to keep Draco tied to his Canon in subtle ways. =) I didn't want to have the ordinary Draco where he is either portrayed as a Bad Boy turned good over night or just a saint because he didn't kill anybody. What he went through in his life was damaging and he cannot escape the facts of who he is and was while growing up. Did he make some awful choices? Yep and now he is paying for them mentally and emotionally. I have to stop there otherwise I will give to much away.

Gibby is a ball of engery. Whenever I write about her I always smile because like you said they are just the cutest things. I kind of picture her as a female version of Dobby. Of course NO elf can top Dobby, but he is the inspiration for Gibby.

I have also taken note of all the suggestions you have made about changes to wording in sentences and punctuation. Sometimes my mind gets fuzzy while writing and I don't pick up on as much as I would like when I edit or re-read. So you pointing those out is very helpful. That is a great line that you pointed out and I wish I would have remembered the comma in it! =) I don't think you're being nit-picky at all. I think you are giving the constructive feedback that I need. Especially because you're right about the sentence and what it means.

I cannot say anything about the ring other then it will be explained in the next chapter. ;)

I am so glad that you like Amelia and I am glad that you have some inside idea of her. You're right she does have that fire when someone insults her or her family. I think it has a lot to do with she knows how precious life is, but she also has that side we all have. That is why I find her so relatable. When pushed you are usually tempted to push back. I also think it helps drive Draco's characterization too. It's great to know that you like this and that your interested in what is going to happen next. Narcissa's death is a looming, but I promise that their is a reason for why it happens.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading and reviewing this and for favoriting! I have never been so confident or inspired than I am right now. I am really glad that you like this it means more than words can explain. I am so glad that I can count on you to be constructive and nit-picky about stuff. It really does help us write better!

Thanks!
-SR17

-SR17


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Review #28, by Moonyxluna Sitting in Silence and Coping with Reality.

15th April 2012:
I'm going to review as I read again so bear with me :)

I liked the description of Draco's gestures in the beginning. It went back to that upbringing that he can't seem to put on a good first impression towards people, that he doesn't want to shake their hands. In the second chapter-- you have: now we need to talk about the at home care plan for your terminally ill mother-- I don't think the 'terminally ill' part is really needed, I think "We need to talk about the at home care plan for your mother" would work just fine . The reader knows why Draco is at the hospital from the first chapter, and it just doesn't feel like a doctor would remind him in that way. if that makes sense?

the first exchange of words between Draco and Amelia was lovely! It's those fantastic first impressions going so badly for him :p I'm kind of curious as to how he already knows she's muggleborn? (when he thinks to himself, 'why does this mudblood keep staring at me') Does he remember her from school?

This is just me being overly picky, but if you edit -- As the door finished closing behind him, he apparated with a loud 'crack!' -- I would change it from 'apparated' to 'dissaparated', since he's technically leaving.

I loved this line-- Draco stood in the dark foyer, listening to the resonating sound that Gibby's snapped had caused. -- it's a really beautiful thought; I just thought it needed to be mentioned. :)

I really like that he's worried about what the press will think. I really like how you are writing his character. You seem to have his thoughts down with the little side comments about having to live with a mudblood, etc. I love how you are showing the difference in them. The part where Amelia thought to herself about the drapes having to be open- it was just a small thing, but it made me smile; he wants them shut, she wants them open. It's even the little things they are not going to get along on; it's going to be wonderful!

Overall, it's really great work. I really like Amelia's character so far, and I am looking forward to reading more about her in the next chapter. (Me reading the OC workshop kind of helped me cheat a little to know what to look for and I like how you are writing her!)

I'd like to learn more about Narcissa's condition. (which I'm sure you will expand on in further chapters) How long does she have left? What happened/how did she get sick in the first place?

Another thing I'd love to see is longer chapters :) I think the part with Mr. Lamport, while the details were splendid and Draco's mannerisms were fantastic, I think it could have been a bit longer, with more of an explanation. Maybe, have Draco ask why it's necessary (since he clearly doesn't want her there so far) I think having the letter in the first chapter helped, but I still would have liked to see that discussion go on a bit- it would add more to the chapter and give us more Draco/Amelia tension as well! And that's always lovely in love/hate stories!

Your details and descriptions are fantastic. I loved how you described Malfoy Manor's foyer, and the rooms Amelia and Narcissa will be staying in. Beautiful job on those.

Great chapter! I will have to leave you with this because I'm about to fall asleep at the keyboard, but I'll be reading chapter three tomorrow morning!

oh PS- adding to favorites :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am so happy that your enjoying the chapters and that your understanding what it is that I am trying to accomplish. You're a patient reader and I really appreciate that. I also really apprecite the way that you point out some helpful tips. These are things that I want to know about and I love that you're doing that. Not only are you helping me see that I am doing well with somethings, but your pointing out where I could improve on or elaborate on. I really need this type of confidence boost.

I agree with the edit changes/ideas that you have given. I have taken note of them and I will edit them when the queue isn't as long. I don't want to overwhelm it.

I am glad that you like the way that I write Draco. I just seem to get him and his character because I find him relatable in more ways than one. I'm glad that his mannerisms come through I worked hard on those. The interaction with Amelia is something else. He just continues to make one bad impression over the next. The muggleborn part you'll find out in the next chapter.

I am super happy that you pointed that line out because I worked really hard on it. I searched for a half hour before I came across the word 'resonating'. I just thought it described what I was trying to convey the best and I am glad that you picked up on it.

Draco and the press yeah, he is still very worried about other people's oppinions. After all being a Malfoy now doesn't mean what it did years ago. He is having this internal struggle with himself which will eventually have to come to a head.

I do plan on explaining Narcissa's condition a little more in I believe it's the 5th chapter. Those questions will be answered in that chapter. It is going to be sad, so I hope that I bring those emotions out.

I do plan on the chapters to follow to be longer. I am finding all of this information you have given me so helpful that it is giving me insight for what I need to focus on in the upcoming chapters. I do have a lot of them written already, but I can go ahead and add to them and tweek them with the input I'm given to really make them pop more.

I am glad that you liked the description of the rooms and the foyer. Those were probably easier to write than anything else. =)

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I can not begin to explain how appreciative I am towards all the insight and help you've given me. And you are adding this to your favorites!? I have the hugest grin on my fast now! Thank you X's a million +1!! =)

-SR17


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Review #29, by Moonyxluna A Letter Can Change Everything

14th April 2012:
Hi dear! You always leave me the greatest reviews so I had to return the love when I told you I was reading this. I wrote this as I read so if it sounds disheveled that's why :p

The first sentence is a really important part of any story, and I think yours is great-- It was almost sunset, when Draco received an Owl from St. Mungo's.-- however, the comma between sunset and when doesn't need to be there, so I would take that out to really bring it that 'instant draw in' the story needs. I have the same habit of using way too many commas so I know it's just an instinct thing.


The imagery/feelings you have set up with Draco's realization was really beautifully written. I got a really good grasp of his feelings towards his dad, and about losing Crabbe. There was one thing I noticed-- you have this: ...around the dark Study. The dark, velvet curtains... it just sounds awkward because the word dark, while not in the same sentence is so close to one another that it feels repetitive. I would change the description of the curtains to: deep, velvet curtains or something along those lines.

I liked his annoyance with the attendant, I think that brought a bit of that impatient (self-centered seems really harsh since it's his mum in the hospital but I guess that's the trait I could feel from him)

Is the healer in the elevator the girl? Such an awful first impression of Draco for her, I love it! His refusal to let her help him brings out that high and mighty side of Draco that is so true to his character. Even growing up I think he would still hold onto those mannerisms, and you brought that to this chapter beautifully while still giving him professional mannerisms. (For a frame of reference for me) How old do you see Draco here?

I think this was a really neat first chapter. I'm really sad that Narcissa has to die, but hopefully that will bring Draco through (which looks like much needed) some growing up by losing his last parent (having already lost Lucius to Azkaban). I didn't notice any spelling/punctuation things, so good job on that. Great work overall!

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

Hahaha thank you for pointing out that comma and the over use of the word dark. It does make it sound redundant. I actually intended on using deep, but my brain wasn't keeping up with my typing hands. I will definitely edit those.

I worked really hard to make sure that the imagery and feelings came out. I usually have a problem with those so I am happy to see that I have done that here.

Ah yes, the attendant. I have this thing for always writing them to be annoying. I also figured she would help bring out Draco's annoyance the best. The Healer in the elevator... =) Draco is never been one to make a great first impression. I am glad that I was able to bring out his mannerisms and his professional mannerisms. I worked really hard on those. He is about 21-22 yrs. old at this point in his life. Or about 5 years after the second war has ended.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the first chapter. I'm sad to, but she has a purpose for it. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with Draco.

Yay! No spelling or punctuation things! =)

Again, thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am glad that you enjoyed it!

-SR17

P.s. I can see what you mean now by being speechless about how to reply to a review. I had a difficult time writing a response.


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Review #30, by bri_5_stars A Letter Can Change Everything

13th April 2012:
You are very descriptive, I like it. This chapter was a little bit sad because of Narcissa, but I'm guessing it's supposed to be. Anyway good job!

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing.

I have been working hard on being more descriptive so I am glad that you pointed that out. I am still working on figuring out just how I write.

Yes, it is sad and as you said it's suppose to be. The other chapters are a bit sad a well, but they come with a good lesson on life in general.

Thanks again! =)

-SR17


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Review #31, by ScarletEye158 Purebloods and Mudbloods

10th April 2012:
I like Amelia, she seems sweet :) I like being able to see her perspective on things, but I can't wait to see Draco's again :D

I like how you incorperated Amelia with the blonde-haired girl from HBP, that was clever!

Narcissa's little speech made me tear up a little. I like how much she has changed after the war and I hope Draco takes into consideration at what she is saying! I can't wait to see what happens next, please update soon!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

I am glad that you liked this chapter it was the one that I felt the most comfortable writing thus far.

I am glad that you liked Amelia. Thank makes me feel better knowing that I was able to bring her into the light the way I wanted to. She is just a but of a fire cracker at times. Draco will be coming up again shortly! =)

I thought that would give it a little twist and I needed just the right thing to make it stand out on how they knew one another. So I am glad that you noticed that.

Yeah...Narcissa...I think she has finally realized that all of the hate in the world has done nothing but destroy everything she has and she wants to make sure that she makes up for it. Draco...I can't say one way or another if he will or will not listen to his mother. Well I could, but I don't want to give it away. ;) I am glad that Narcissa's emotions felt real. I always have a hard time getting those to come out at times so, I am happy to know I did okay with them.

I am going to try to update as soon as I can.

Again, thanks for reading and reviewing! =)

-SR17



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Review #32, by ScarletEye158 Sitting in Silence and Coping with Reality.

9th April 2012:
Yay, I knew it! Amelia & Draco FTW :D
Great chapter, btw, I like how you portray Draco. I hope he gets a little nicer throughout the story, but who knows with Draco, eh?

I love Gibby, too, she's so cute! I'm still upset about Narcissa, though, what happened to her? D:

Can't wait to read the next chapter, keep it up!

-Amanda

Author's Response: hahaha =D I love how they are polar opposites. I am glad that you like the way that I am portraying Draco. He will eventually tone it down a bit I hope? ;)

Gibby is too funny. I think of her as a female version of Dobby. =) Yeah...I feel kind of bad for making Narcissa go through a lot, but I promise it will be revealed in a few more chapters. I have to deal with Captian Moody (Draco) first =)

Again, Thanks for reading, reviewing and the encouragement! It means a lot!

-SR17


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Review #33, by ScarletEye158 A Letter Can Change Everything

9th April 2012:
Aw this was so sad, poor Draco & Narcissa! I haven't read many Draco stories, honestly because people always pair him with Hermione, so I'm really enjoying this :) I see this is a Draco/OC so maybe the Healer from the lift? ;D can't wait to read the next chapter! Keep up the good work (:

-Amanda

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing. I am glad that you like it. =)

I actually decided to write this one because another friend's Dramione inspired me to write Draco in another light, but I had to do an OC for the challenge.

Thanks for the encouragement! =)

-SR17


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Review #34, by charlottetrips Sitting in Silence and Coping with Reality.

6th April 2012:
I really like how youíve portrayed Dracoís disgust and reluctance to be in this ward so clearly, not only in his thoughts and in his actions, like this ďhandshakeĒ with the Director (thereís more from the previous chapter as well). Itís a subtle thing but it adds more to letting me know what Draco is like at this time in his life.

And now we see what his viewpoint is in regards to Mudbloods, Purebloods and Half-bloods. Heís still in the medieval ages :(

I was wondering if we were going to be seeing Ameliaís point of view at all. So far (havenít read much further yet because I wanted to take the time to express my opinion of her before I actually read about her), she seems like a slightly young Healer, perhaps a little inexperienced at keeping her professional demeanor in because it seems to slip. And wait, how does he know that sheís a Mudblood?

More Amelia! I want to know who this lady is and get to know her. I think youíve done a wonderful job of setting up Draco as the not-so-nice person we know from the books but on the cusp of a possible moment of change, where heís about to go through the loss of his mother or something. I like that youíve had Amelia be a live-in Healer. Itís a nice set-up to get her in the vicinity of Draco to have this become (or not) something :)

xChar

Author's Response: Hi there!

I am glad that Draco is coming across the way that I wanted him to. I am playing around with the idea that when you go through life being forced to think one way is right you don't change so easily. I thought that the handshake was a very Draco thing to do touch as little of the person as possible. So I am glad that you picked up on the subtle parts.

As for Amelia, she is going to come out more in Chapter 3 which is still waiting to be validated. I had a lot of fun writing her character into this and I hope that people pick up on my little hints and details. It will also explain your question of how Draco knows she is a Mudblood. Narcissa has a small part coming up in the next chapter that I think will start the cycle of change.

I am so glad that you have enjoyed this and the way that I have been portraying my characters throughout it. I have already written through chapter 7, so updates will happen faster between edits.

It means the world to me that you find this interesting and that you're wanting to read more. It's because of you that I found a way to expand my mind and because of that I thank you so much!

Thank you for reading and reviewing both chapters. Hopefully Chapter 3 will be up soon! =)

-SR17


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Review #35, by charlottetrips A Letter Can Change Everything

6th April 2012:
Hello dear. Iím interested in seeing your take on a more mature Draco. Itís nice to know that youíre opening yourself to different characters and different avenues which will make for a more rounded writer. I look forward to seeing you continue to explore the edges of your box and pushing past the confines of it! :)

'He cared for his mother and they had grown closer since the end of the war, but he hadn't felt this remorseful since Crabbe died in the Room of Requirement five years ago.' - this is a thought that Draco is having and it seems to me that it would be better if it was worded as 1st person, showing that heís thinking it.

I like the care youíve taken in describing the scene to me. I seem to skim over such details because I donít know how to introduce it in too well and so always admire someone who does it without being odd in the way she does it.

This little squabble between Draco and the attendant is funny. It also shows that thereís still the Draco we know from the books but, for me, heís fully justified in his handling of her. What a stupid sign to have up. :P

Hm, is this Healer the mysterious OC in question? I like this meeting. Itís just a simple meeting in an elevator (which incidentally I wrote a little ditty about yesterday Ė chance meetings in elevators) with Draco being stuck-up and the Healer still persisting in not being too put out by it. I like it.

I have a little tiff with Draco sitting on the floor of the hospital ward. I would think that he would feel it was too unclean, but maybe heís too distraught over his motherís condition to be too worried about it. Also, the fact that his mother is being used as a catalyst to getting Draco to be more of the likeable or at least approachable variety is very real to me. There was at least affection there to some degree in the books.

I was a little confused on the Healer who came to find Draco to bring him to the Director. Was this the same Healer he met in the elevator? It isnít too clear from when the two meet again, just that heís staring at her with his mouth slightly open. Not too sure why heís doing that.

There were some grammar and spelling errors, not a lot but I did see them because Iím just a critical person :P

Other than that, this story has definite potentials to expand on a Draco that is familiar to the reader and to make him someone that maybe we could like (or not) depending on what you mean to do with him. I think Iíve pretty much said all I could in the above! :) Youíre doing great!

Author's Response: Hi there! Sorry it has taken me so long to answer back to your reviews which were a delight to see!

I never meant for that to be written as a thought. It was done by accident and will be changed as soon as chapter 3 is validated.

I adore writing the parts of the addendants. I think back to all the trips I've had to take to the hospitals in the past few years. I was drawn to make them obnoxious, because I feel that most of them are only there to do the minimum amount of work possible when you're a complete mess and distraught. I was looking for a simple way to introduce a new character that people would remember if I brought her up again later on. So I am glad that you liked the way I introduced their meeting.

Yeah I was a bit hacked off at myself for making him sit on the floor too, but I thought he's distraught, nobody knows where he is at let alone himself, and he is so disoriented from the hallways all being the same. I am also going to go back and include a name for the Healer that finds him sitting there just so there is a difference between the two and there is no confusion. Yeah he is just staring at her with his mouth open I think because I was going for the idea that someone would actually 1. Find him and 2. Speak to him when they know who he is.

I think Draco is going to need quite a bit of pushing in the right direction and he won't be seen in a nice way quite yet. He is still struggling with himself.

I am awful at grammar. I'm glad that there weren't a bunch of them and more of a minimum amount because I have been trying to improve with them.

I am glad that you like it so far and these reviews have given me so much inspiration to keep on writing. I don't want to give any secrets away, but they will evolve throughout as long as my muse allows them too. Thanks for the encouragement! =)

It means the world to me!

-SR17


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Review #36, by atellam A Letter Can Change Everything

4th April 2012:
Hey :)

Considering i'm trying to do the whole, 'review everything I read' thing, i just bare with me yes? I'm not going to focus on characterisation here, but the actual story and that stuff, etc. and we'll chat about characterisation later :)

First up -
+ "He cared for his mother and they had grown closer since the end of the war, but he hadn't felt this remorseful since Crabbe died in the Room of Requirement five years ago."
- I'm not sure why this is on italics? If it's a direct thought, why is it in 3rd person? Unless you're trying to place emphasis on it, but I think it's own paragraph is doing that anyway, and the italics confused me, to be totally honest. It's not bad, I was just puzzled as to why.

+ 'peered around the dark Study.'
- Particular reason for the capitalisation? Or was it missed in the editing process? :P

There was one other thing I wanted to point out at the end, but I can't find it now, so it obviously wasn't important :P

Alrighty, rest of the review. :)

Dialogue - This was fine, although i'd suggest breaking it up. What you're doing isn't wrong by any means because Draco doesn't say anything, so you don't need a new line. It's just large chunks of writing that you sometimes get lost in, does that make sense? I'd try breaking it up a bit, fro example, each time they speak again after some narration. Even though it's the same person, and you don't NEED to, I think it might make it easier and stop anyone getting lost in the description. Does that make sense? :S

Which leads into my next point...
Description - This was really nicely done, and while there wasn't a large amount as the chapter progressed, I could still see it in my mind's eye, which was great. The best way to up your word count is to expand on your descriptions, and while it's certainly not lacking at the moment, there is some room for more towards the end of the chapter. Just food for thought :)

I'm not going to comment on characterisation here, so I think that's it for my review. Hopefully i've been helpful, and keep up the great work!

- Adele :)

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you for reading and reviewing!

I must have accidently put those in italics. Which I never meant to do. I was having trouble with my computer that day, so I have this noted now to go ahead and make sure it gets edited. The same with study. I never meant for it to be capitalized. It was just something that I missed.

I understand fully what you mean about the dialogue and I plan on going back and breaking this up so it's easier to read. Also so it doesn't get lost in the description and flows nicer.

Ah yes...description...this is where I am going to make the biggest changes. I will be adding more to the end of the chapter to help flesh out Draco more. I appreciate you mentioning that.

Again, thank you for reading and reviewing it means a lot to me. =)

-SR17


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Review #37, by Sapphire_Skies A Letter Can Change Everything

3rd April 2012:
This started out well, I thought, but unfortunately by the end, I wasnít too impressed with Draco. If this is five years on from the battle, Draco is twenty-two, twenty-three, and instead heís acting like a petulant five-year-old. If heís the main character, readers have got to want to read about him, theyíve got to sympathise with him, despite who he is, and while I did feel myself engaging with him in the beginning, he irritated me by the end. Sure, you want to paint a realistic picture of Draco, and maybe he would have acted like this several years ago, but not now heís older. However, there were moments where I thought you captured his personality really well, for example with this line here, near the beginning,
He was angry that his father was locked in Azkaban and not there to take care of his dying mother. He was angry that he was left to find a way to untarnish the Malfoy name.
I can really see Draco thinking this, trying to shift the blame almost and resent that everything has been left to him to sort out.

As for your writing, it was generally good, but I did see some misuse of commas, including one in the first sentence, which isnít really the best way to open a story. There was also a case of wrong capitalisation (of study, near the beginning), and numbers below a hundred should always be written out as letters (so 5 should be five). There was also something else, with this line,

'He cared for his mother and they had grown closer since the end of the war, but he hadn't felt this remorseful since Crabbe died in the Room of Requirement five years ago.'

This technically isnít a thought coming straight from Dracoís head, so it doesnít need the distinction you give it. Youíre telling us what heís thinking, just as youíre telling us that he put the letter back on his desk.

Despite all this, I do think youíve got an interesting basis for a story with Narcissa being ill and Draco having to take responsibility for her, it could throw up some interesting conflicts and potential for character development, it was just Draco who irritated me a little with his attitude.

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Review #38, by WeepingWillows Sitting in Silence and Coping with Reality.

30th March 2012:
So far I really am rather fascinated by how you write Draco. The way you write him really fits his personality as it's written in the books, and it's interesting to me since a lot of writers like to sugarcoat Draco's rudeness but I think it's interesting how you describe his conversations with the healers and how he was disgusted. A part of me wonders if he's disgusted not by the healers, but more by the fact of the situation that his mother has become in. He obviously cares for her, but I find it intriguing.

I find Amelia fascinating and I'm curious to see where you go with her character!

Author's Response: Hi there again!

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am glad that your intrigued by this chapter especially how I have portrayed Draco.

I don't think he's really someone who can be sugarcoated. He has way to many layers that we never get to see all of it. So I am glad that I am not falling into that category with him.

I am happy that you find Amelia fascinating because she is the first OC I've ever written. I have been nervous as to how readers would take to her. So I am glad that your curious! =)

Thanks again for reading and reviewing. Its really made my day! =)

-SR17



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Review #39, by WeepingWillows A Letter Can Change Everything

30th March 2012:
Hi! Its WeepingWillows from the forums, it logged me out so I couldn't sign in but so far I think it's a good start.

What I feel like you did best in this chapter was when you described Draco's feelings when he got news that there was nothing that the healers could do magically or medically for his mother. I think that you wrote that part perfectly.

However I noticed that the flow of the chapter went from slow to fast. I felt like your dialogue was good but I felt like there were some paragraphs that could have been separated to make the flow of the chapter easier to read (like towards the end).

Like for instance:

"I am one of the resident healers and I was asked by the Director to be on the look out for you," she finished. Draco just sat there with his pale face reflecting off the wall and his mouth hanging slightly open. "If you will follow me, I will show you to his office." Comprehension dawned on Draco and he stood up quickly, brushing himself off. He followed her down the seemingly endless corridors and about five minutes later they arrived at a polished oak wood door with a shiny, gold name plate on the front of it. Reading the engraving, Draco realized that she had taken him to where he needed to be. He turned to look at her with a strangled look upon his face as he tried to force out two simple words from behind his lips. Before he could, however, the resident healer said, "No need to thank me Mr. Malfoy. You're welcome." Then she gave Draco a small smile and an obvious wink. Draco tried to not show his disgust, but failed miserably. Her smile faltered and her cheeks flushed red. Turning sharply on her heel she walked away as fast as she could.

It was easy for me as a reader to get distracted at this point and loose focus on the chapter. I was thinking that perhaps this might have given the story a little bit of a easier flow when it came to these type of paragraphs.

"I am one of the resident healers and I was asked by the Director to be on the look out for you," she finished. Draco just sat there with his pale face reflecting off the wall and his mouth hanging slightly open.

"If you will follow me, I will show you to his office."

Comprehension dawned on Draco and he stood up quickly, brushing himself off. He followed her down the seemingly endless corridors and about five minutes later they arrived at a polished oak wood door with a shiny, gold name plate on the front of it. R

Reading the engraving, Draco realized that she had taken him to where he needed to be. He turned to look at her with a strangled look upon his face as he tried to force out two simple words from behind his lips.

Before he could, however, the resident healer said, "No need to thank me Mr. Malfoy. You're welcome." Then she gave Draco a small smile and an obvious wink. Draco tried to not show his disgust, but failed miserably. Her smile faltered and her cheeks flushed red. Turning sharply on her heel she walked away as fast as she could.

Overall though it was a good start to the story =]

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review. I am glad that you like it so far and how I've described Draco.

I really want to show a progression with him over time rather than "Oh yeah he was a Death Eater, but look now he's a swell guy over night."

Thank you for pointing that out. See this is what I need for someone to show me where or what I can do to improve or suggest changes that would make this flow better.

I have noted the changes that you have suggested and I will make sure that those get changed.

Thank you again for reading, reviewing, and pointing out things. I greatly appreciate this more than words can say!

-SR17


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Review #40, by WeepingWillows A Letter Can Change Everything

30th March 2012:
Hi! Its WeepingWillows from the forums, it logged me out so I couldn't sign in but so far I think it's a good start.

What I feel like you did best in this chapter was when you described Draco's feelings when he got news that there was nothing that the healers could do magically or medically for his mother. I think that you wrote that part perfectly.

However I noticed that the flow of the chapter went from slow to fast. I felt like your dialogue was good but I felt like there were some paragraphs that could have been separated to make the flow of the chapter easier to read (like towards the end).

Like for instance:

"I am one of the resident healers and I was asked by the Director to be on the look out for you," she finished. Draco just sat there with his pale face reflecting off the wall and his mouth hanging slightly open. "If you will follow me, I will show you to his office." Comprehension dawned on Draco and he stood up quickly, brushing himself off. He followed her down the seemingly endless corridors and about five minutes later they arrived at a polished oak wood door with a shiny, gold name plate on the front of it. Reading the engraving, Draco realized that she had taken him to where he needed to be. He turned to look at her with a strangled look upon his face as he tried to force out two simple words from behind his lips. Before he could, however, the resident healer said, "No need to thank me Mr. Malfoy. You're welcome." Then she gave Draco a small smile and an obvious wink. Draco tried to not show his disgust, but failed miserably. Her smile faltered and her cheeks flushed red. Turning sharply on her heel she walked away as fast as she could.

It was easy for me as a reader to get distracted at this point and loose focus on the chapter. I was thinking that perhaps this might have given the story a little bit of a easier flow when it came to these type of paragraphs.

"I am one of the resident healers and I was asked by the Director to be on the look out for you," she finished. Draco just sat there with his pale face reflecting off the wall and his mouth hanging slightly open.

"If you will follow me, I will show you to his office."

Comprehension dawned on Draco and he stood up quickly, brushing himself off. He followed her down the seemingly endless corridors and about five minutes later they arrived at a polished oak wood door with a shiny, gold name plate on the front of it. R

Reading the engraving, Draco realized that she had taken him to where he needed to be. He turned to look at her with a strangled look upon his face as he tried to force out two simple words from behind his lips.

Before he could, however, the resident healer said, "No need to thank me Mr. Malfoy. You're welcome." Then she gave Draco a small smile and an obvious wink. Draco tried to not show his disgust, but failed miserably. Her smile faltered and her cheeks flushed red. Turning sharply on her heel she walked away as fast as she could.

Overall though it was a good start to the story =]

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Review #41, by XxJinxxedxX A Letter Can Change Everything

28th March 2012:
I really like it so far, I think that it will be a great submission to the contest. Thanks for participating. I can't wait to see where you go with this. :D

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! I am glad that you like it so far.

Thank you for creating such a fun challenge that really forced be to think out of the box! =)

-SR17


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