32 Reviews Found

Review #26, by CambAngst Chapter One

18th May 2012:
Hi, there. I tagged you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room and I wanted to do a second chapter because, at least to me, prologue's shouldn't really count as a full review. ;)

I thought it was a bit odd that you ended the first paragraph without a period and put the dialog in its own paragraph. It didn't look right and started me off on a difficult note.

Again, you seem to use a lot of commas in this chapter in places where you really need a full stop. Your sentences have a tendency to run together in such a way that it's hard to follow what you're saying in some places.

As far as the plot of the story goes, a lot of it felt rather awkward to me. Part of it just comes down to how you're delivered the story up to this point. Everything is relayed in a very matter-of-fact way, without a lot of emotional context to go along with it. I'd like to know not just what Molly is doing, but why. I'd like to know how the events unfolding around her affect her, and what motivates her decisions. I'm not getting much of that. It would also benefit from more dialog and interplay between the characters rather than just narrative.

I'm not really sure what else to say. I think you should really sit down and re-read this and try to work through the capitalization and grammar issues at a minimum. Beyond that, you have to think about how you're going to get the readers to make a connection with your characters and understand what they're all about.

Author's Response: hi
Thank you for the review, advice and CC.
It really does help and i know things have to be edited, i have exams coming up, so i have to find the time to ge around to it, but now i have a beta things should be edited quicker.
thank you again

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Review #27, by CambAngst Prolouge

18th May 2012:
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.

So my first suggestion -- and please take all of my suggestions for what they are: a sincere attempt to be helpful. You can take or leave my advice at your leisure -- is that I think it would have been nice if you could have thought of a way to deliver Molly's "name, rank and serial number" type information in the context of the story itself, rather than having her talk at the reader for the duration of your prologue. I appreciate that you have a need to get information into the reader's hands, but I feel like it will be more difficult to remember this later because I don't have any context to attach it to. For instance, rather than telling me Molly's middle name and her age, you could have put her in a scene where she needs to get out of bed and somebody is yelling, "Molly Evelyn Weasley, get up! You're 16 years old, for Merlin's sake! Take some responsibility!" In that way, you convey something about the character and also provide something memorable to go along with the information about her. Ditto for Percy's job, as another example. Rather than telling me that he has a very important job working for Kingsley, have him slump into the house after missing dinner, explaining that Kingsley has kept him in the office late to work on some important project. But anyway, that's my main suggestion.

So aside from the method of delivery, you've set up an interesting picture of Molly as a person and her family and friends. I think this is the first time I've ever seen Audrey cast as a muggle. It's an unusual pairing for Percy.

Another thing I noticed is that a lot of your sentences are very long. Several paragraphs seem to be one sentence with 4 or 5 clauses broken up by commas. These would read a lot better with some full stops added in. Sometimes it's a bit hard to follow what you're saying because the different parts just sort of run into one another. You also have some issues with capitalization.

I realize that all of this probably sounds rather harsh, and I do apologize for that. Here's the thing: When I see the beginning of a story that suffers from lots of structural and grammatical problems, my gut reaction is to think that you don't care very much. And that's obviously not the case. I don't think you would have bothered to write four more chapters if you didn't care. But that's how it looks to someone who's dropping into your story cold, and it's going to turn a lot of readers off. If you want to draw people in and attract an audience, job #1 is to make sure that your story is easy on the eyes. Believe it or not, that's a huge differentiator on this site because -- just between you and me -- an awful lot of what's posted here is really shoddy, haphazard and nearly unreadable. And I know you're better than that because we're both Gryffindors! Roar!

So I'm off to read your next chapter, but please think about what I've said, as well as what I read in CloakAuror9's review. You're here because you have a story you want to tell, and I'd love to see you make that story stand out and shine!

Author's Response: thank you for the review :)
I know there are issues like grammar and things (too many comma's) but I now have a beta so hopefully it should get sorted.
Thank you for the advice and CC

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Review #28, by CloakAuror9 Prolouge

11th May 2012:
Hey there! I am here for your request, I am so sorry for taking so long. School is (and will be) in the way of my online life, but I am here now...better late than never, right?

Okay so I thought the chapter was really good! You have a great start and a great opening to a story. I think Molly's characterisations is well done. You have put in a lot of details at the very start, which I would consider as a good thing since it gets the reader into a very straight-forward thinking.

I'll give you some CC, is that okay? Please, please don't hate me at the end of this.

Okay, so there are a few things you could improve on. The first I noticed was that you didn't have proper capitalisations. You usually you them at the start of each sentence, proper nouns and some other areas.

The next problem you can tackle would be over-using commas. I know its hard to not over-use them, you just want to keep inserting them between the words, but you must prevent that from happening. You can always use the 'full stop' in most cases.

The third would be, you're jumping from one thing to another without any transitions. Like this one: "I have one younger sister Lucy and I am nothing like my parents except for my looks." You see how you jumped from Lucy to Molly being nothing like her parents, without much explanation?

The last one would be try to lessen your words by putting them into simpler phrases. I'm not sure if you were trying to catch the 500-word-count, but remember 'quality over quantity'. Example: I'm in my last year of Hogwarts, and I'm in ravenclaw house. instead of this ine you could've put I'm a 7th year Ravenclaw student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy or something along the lines of those.

These are just things I pointed out so you can focus on them in the future, but you don't have to :p I'm not forcing you or anything, they were just my suggestion and opinions.

I do hope that you at least consider them, because I seriously think that the story has a great potential. And I must admit, I seem to have a liking for Molly and I feel that she's a very good character.

Overall, you have a really good start and please do not be discouraged by my CC! If it hurt you in anyway, I am so sorry! You have written a really good story and I would love to read more!

CloakAuror9 xx
Recenseo 2012

Author's Response: thank you for the review. :)
i know there are flaws like caps, and grammar (and over using comma's) i'm not too good at that stuff but i now have a beta so it should improve
School is busy at the moment as i have exams coming up but when i get the chance they will be edited
thank you for the advice i will take it in consideration and make a few changes and the review :D

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Review #29, by draco_lover12 Prolouge

10th May 2012:
Going to be harsh here. There is no grammer, no capital letters and for me, that's a big turn off with stories. This story sounds awesome but can you do those??

Just giving you some advice.

Author's Response: thanks for the review and advice
I know about the grammar and caps and i really need to edit but i have exams coming up so i can't just yet but i will get around to doing it

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Review #30, by luvdobby26 Chapter One

1st April 2012:
Loving the story!!! Your great at writing!!

Author's Response: aw thank you xx :)

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Review #31, by luvdobby26 Prolouge

1st April 2012:
Great start and well written! Keep up the good work!!! :)

Author's Response: thank you :)

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Review #32, by goddess faith Prolouge

22nd March 2012:
This is a good start. I can't wait to see the other chapters. Two things though. Use more periods instead of commas. A lot of your paragraphs were run on sentences. And capitalize the first letter of every new sentence. Other than that it was good. Kind of cool to read about Molly when I am writing about Lucy, lol. Can't wait to read more!
~Goddess Faith

Author's Response: thanks for the review and the tips :)
lucy appears in it more as it goes on
-potterfan310 x

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