Reading Reviews for Progeros
  
30 Reviews Found

Review #26, by SilentConfession One

8th August 2012:
Hi! I'm here for that requested review i owe you! Sorry it's taken so long, it's been a busy few weeks for me.

I've never read an Ignotius's story before, ever. So this is really interesting for me because it's such new territory. I think you began an interesting spot which seems to beg more questions than it answers. This is always good and i love first chapters that are a bit ambiguous and don't lay down everything. It makes me want to continue on with a story when the author does that because i feel like there is more to the story. I don't feel like I really know what to expect with this story or where you are doing with it. These questions will need to be answered soon but for a first chapter i think it's good to leave the reader guessing a little.

Your descriptions were good here actually. I felt like i could easily picture in my head the house and what was happening around them. Keep paying attention to detail and being able to describe what's happening around them and you shouldn't have to worry about anything. However, saying that, there were some grammar issues like misplaced comma's or just twisty sounding sentences that broke up the flow of this and sometimes made it hard to imagine what was going on. It tripped me up some so i'd suggest going back and maybe reading it out loud to yourself to keep iron that out. Although it is difficult to write with older english and to keep the story in that time period, it shouldn't be chunky which i felt at a few places it was.

I think Ignotus seems believable at this point. He does seem a lot older than his age and the only thing i can say is just be careful to not go overboard with it. For me, at this point it does not seem justified to why he's like this or what made him such a serious kid. I'd like to see that motivation at some point. However, i do think this has a good start on the character we know in canon. I just think that he'll need to be expanded on in later chapters for me to believe his wisdom.

I liked the feeling of this chapter, it seemed old fashioned and it worked for me. There was stiffness and formality in a lot of the relationships here which made sense to me as it's how i imagine those dinner parties would be. I liked how his interest in Anastasia evolved and how it was only when he realized that there was something that needed to be solved that he became interested in the conversation. That was a great piece of characterization for him and i thought that it was this interaction that gave a little of the plot away of the story and what we can expect from the story.

You switched POV's a few times in this chapter alone. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not but i just wanted to point it out. Sometimes POV changes work really well as long as it isn't too quickly and the transitions are intentional and smooth. I don't think there was too much of an issue of that in this chapter, but just keep watch out for that in later chapters as well :D

Thank you for requesting me! I hope you found this review helpful :D
-zayne

Author's Response: Thank you so, so much for this wonderfully thorough review! And I'm so sorry for taking this long to respond; I've been having a busy week as well. :)

First of all, thank you for all your compliments. It really is such a relief to hear that you thought this was an interesting first chapter. I'm never really good with beginnings... And I think some of the questions will be answered soon. Gradually, but soon.

Also I'm glad to hear that the description was okay here. As for the wonky-ness of the sentences, well, a bit after you've left me this wonderful review, an edited and beta'd version of the chapter appeared on the archive.I hope that some of this chapter's technical problems have been fixed in it.

And I'll try my best to not make Ignotus overly mature! I think we'll see him relax a little as the story moves on.

Again, thank you for the amazingly helpful review and thanks for reading!

-Manno




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Review #27, by married to black One

2nd August 2012:
"...That, though, he believed, should not be the focus of attention as should be his injury which could have very well been severe. What if his elbow was broken?! "

That line made me laugh. Largely because I don't find broken bones severe unless there's many of them at once, ha. A little pointer: the 'though' should be with 'he believed' in order to run more smoothly ("That, he believed though,...") But oh, Ignotus is such a cute boy. I absolutely (and I seriously mean absolutely) LOVE how you wrote a story about a (the) Peverell brother(s)! I find them so fascinating and I'm really intrigued in where this is going. I love reading about a character's childhood so this is madly awesome to me. Enjoying, enjoying, enjoying. :)

I thought your writing was pretty well-done, if I do say so myself. I feel like your flow was interrupted at times from extra added commas or certain word usages. I don't think it stood out that much though; just something I personally noticed and you could look over again if you wish. Your word usage is lovely and I love how they speak. It's so proper and formal - definitely a style they would speak in during that time!

Being curious and all, I'm wondering if this is in Ignotus' pov only? Or are you going to be changing povs depending on whose talking and such? What I mean is, as I was reading, the story seemed to mainly go with Ignotus' thinking and pov, but we sometimes got the mothers' pov as well. So I'm just curious if that was intentional or not? I don't mind either way. I only pointed it out just in case it wasn't intentional and you'd want to know about it (it's something I always unintentionally do so I like it when people ask me about it and figured I'd do the same). :)

In this line, you forgot to put the second dash after 'arm', so the sentence doesn't run smoothly.

"It was only his family and a few other close family members -such as his uncle who did, indeed, take a look at his arm, but it was still a feast."

That's just something I noticed. But honestly, I really liked this as a first chapter. These kids are smart for nine-year-olds (sure beat the nine-year-olds nowadays, hah) and I'm so interested in what will happen next. I can see Ignotus is really interested in Anastasia and her condition. Something about the pair reminds me of the boy and girl from Bridge to Terabithia. It just feels like it's going to be quite sweet. :)

Lovely story and chapter! I'm glad I got the chance to read it.

Author's Response: Ah! Thank you so, so much for this lovely review! I feel horrible about not responding sooner, but my life has been sort of hectic this past week!

Anyway...I'm very glad you like the story! I'm quite interested in the Peverell brothers too, and that always encourages me to write more of this story! And that line you pointed out was so inspired by Draco Malfoy.

Also, thank you for telling me about the wonky sentences. As of now, I have a wonderful beta and she's edited this chapter and the edited version is now up on the archive!

As for the shifting POV, I think it's going to shift around slightly but not much really. I think here it was unintentional, but in the following chapters, I'll need to let you guys see different sides of scenes.

Yes, the Peverell boys are pretty smart, but at times, they're only children and we'll get to see that soon! And I adore Bridge to Terabithia! Such a lovely movie!

Again, thank you so much for the wonderful and very helpful review!

-Manno




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Review #28, by academica One

1st August 2012:
Hey Manno! I'm here with your requested review :)

First off, I'm super glad you requested - I've kept my eye on this story ever since it got posted, and I was planning to come over sometime soon and leave you a "thank you for all your wonderful reviews" review. I would have chosen this story!

Secondly, DAENERYS! Okay, GoT squee over.

I like your characterization so far - I think this is a really cool family to explore, and I can see the "skeletons" of some of the characters, like the differences between Antioch (who is already showing the pride we're used to seeing in canon) and Ignotus. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next to make Cadmus his own person.

The flow did seem a little awkward to me. I think part of it is your effort to sound historically accurate, in terms of your tone and sentence structure. I like that you don't have "thee" and "thou" sprinkled everywhere, but I do think some of the sentences sounded a little too formal or passive for my taste. The other thing, like I mentioned, is the sentence structure. For example, with this sentence - Ignotus found a vine unleash itself from a nearby tree and lay itself in his path - I sort of feel like the meaning got lost in your prose. There might be a forum guide on this topic, or it might be something that a beta reader can help you out with. Regarding the imagery, though, I don't think the imagery really messed with it. I liked how Ignotus kept looking around at the brightening hall, because it gave the scene a bit of a foreboding feel, though I'm not sure what the reference could have been there.

I really like the interaction between Ignotus and Anastasia. I think it has that ungainly feel that I often see in historical pieces, where children are thrust together in high-class parties and don't really know what to do with each other, and yet they both feel so curious about the other person. I love how Anastasia's bravado contrasts with the frail look her illness has given her physical form. I'm interested to learn more about her through Ignotus's eyes.

Overall, I think this is an excellent start. I didn't spot any major technical mistakes, and I hope you come back and re-request from me in the future :)

Great work! I hope this review is helpful!

-Amanda

Author's Response: Hi Amanda! Thank you for coming by with such a lovely review!

Ah! I worry that people will find the banner better than the story! I really do love this banner even though I don't watch a Game of Thrones. One very important character that's yet to be introduced looks a lot like Daenerys... or that's what it's like in my head anyway.

As for the flow, I kind of had a feeling it would be a little messy. I felt that writing the story in modern English would just deprive the story from the archaic feeling that I think will be necessary as we go further on in the story. I have got a beta though, and I'll make sure we try to see a way out of these loopy sentences.

I am very glad that you liked the interaction between Ignotus and Anastasia. They are, obviously, very important in the story and I needed the start of their friendship to seem natural. I also think that more will be explained about the way Anastasia acts and all in the following chapters.

Thank you so much for this reassuring review; it certainly has been helpful! And I surely will re-request from you once the new chapter is up!

-Manno


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Review #29, by marissa lily potter One

26th July 2012:
Hey there, marissa lily potter here with your review!

To start off, I'd like to say that I did notice some verb tense confusion. You seemed to jump from present to pass to past active a lot and it was confusing at times. For example, you said "the mansion was brighter than it would usually be" and I think it would be better to say "would usually have been". That was one of the few times I noticed it. It wasn't too common, but there was some confusion in verb tenses.

I also noticed that you used the words "nonetheless" and "shall" very often. I suggest that you use a thesaurus when writing so as to not repeat words often. The characters seem a bit mature for their age... I don't know why but I feel that. Maybe it's their speech but I suppose that during their time period, they all spoke in such mannerisms.

The descriptions were great! They were definitely intriguing and added a lot to the story. The beginning of the chapter started off really well and caught my attention right away but when Anastasia was introduced, it seemed like the chapter wasn't flowing well. The characters definitely flow well though and they're completely believable. I think you need to work on characterization a bit because the characters are left a little vague.

Overall though, good job. I hope to see more from you in the future and good luck with the story!

-marissa lily potter

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks a lot for coming by!

-facepalm- Usually, I am very careful with verbs and such so I'm a little sad to see that I messed them up here. I do plan on getting a beta though because I know for a fact that a second pair of eyes always helps. But thanks for pointing that out though; I'll try to keep an eye out and edit those.

Ah, 'nonetheless'. Even in real life I use that word a lot. But I suppose you're right, I'll try to wriggle my way out of the habit of using it and find myself some synonyms for it.

As for the way the characters talked, I tried to make sure that the adults sounded more sophisticated than the children to show the difference in age. The child with the most sophisticated speech is, I think, Ignotus and this is mostly influenced by the many books he reads, as mentioned in the story.

Also, I didn't get much room in this chapter to work on the characterisation of all the characters since I didn't want to make a first chapter full of boring introductions, and I hope they'll be more developed and less vague as the story progresses.

Anyway, thanks for all the critique! I need as much of that as possible because I really want this story to work out.

-Manno


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Review #30, by Jchrissy One

26th July 2012:
Wow, I'm really excited to see where you take this!

I love that your writing style matches the era that this would have taken place. Your sentence structures and word choices is what really makes this feel real.

Your imagery is wonderful. You give us a perfect idea of the scene then let your story continue. It's the exactly right amount to keep it rich with descriptions but not over bearing.

I love how thoughtful and introspective Ignotus is.
He seems much older than a 9 year old, but I think most children with extremely gifted minds do. I'm also very curious about Anastasia. Is there an actual problem with her? Does she simply just look young for her age? And even more, I'm VERY curious as to how this will transform into Next Gen characters!

I think this is a great start, I'm excited for the next chapter!

Jami

Author's Response: Oh, Jami! Thank you so, so much for your review! I can't even describe how much of a pleasant surprise this review has been for me!

I'm glad you think the style and the conversations worked out! I had pondered that over a lot, so this is such a relief!

Also, I'm not the best with imagery and descriptions -half of those included were added after the chapter was initially written! It makes me very happy to hear that they seemed to be enough! Really!

Ah, Ignotus! He's one of the best characters I have got the chance to write about, and I love him a lot; so it's nice to see that you love his thoughtfulness too! And there's a lot about Anastasia that's yet to come, so I can't really say much about her right now!

Again, thank you so much for the wonderful review! You really made my day!

-Manno


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