Reading Reviews for A Beautiful Injustice
  
40 Reviews Found

Review #26, by soccerj18 A Beautiful Injustice

23rd February 2011:
Hi luv!

Coming from the forums.

Alright, so I think you characterized Sirius and James pretty well, but I think you were a bit too formal with their speech. For example, I just can't imagine the Marauders calling each other by first names. I know that you were writing this before they became animagi, but it still sounds a bit too formal. I could see them calling each other something like 'mate'.

Secondly, I know this was mentioned before, but I think the flashback could be made clearer. I had to read over a few times to actually catch where it started. So italics would have been lovely right there.

Third, I don't think you developed Kristi and Sirius' relationship enough. To me, it seemed like they got together once or twice, and then Sirius told her she loved him. I think it takes away from the point of the story (that Sirius got rejected in love), because it feels like he was more 'in lust'. So maybe add a bit showing the process of him falling in love. Even a sentence like 'The more time I spent with her, the more...' or something like that.

I hope that helped! But really, good job.

Author's Response: hey thank you for taking the time to read over my oneshot and for reviewing as well. I'm glad you thought it was good and i will keep in mind the advice you gave me. I think i meant to put in something that showed their relationship develop more but that i ended up forgetting that i wanted to add it. Again thank you for your time and the review.

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #27, by TheProphecy A Beautiful Injustice

20th February 2011:
Hellooo!

Reviewing from the forums :)

I liked this story very much. At the very beginning I thought you had Sirius true to character but as it went on Sirius seemed a bit serious *Giggles at pun*, the same with James when they are talking about becoming an animagus, I felt although they would've wanted to help Remus and that would be their main motivation I wanted to see the reckless side a bit more. I felt they were too solemn and dull for my liking.

I loved Sirius's nervous inner thoughts, I felt you wrote them very well and realistically.

I liked how Lily and james had their conflict, though I felt you could've made that general part a little more original and less predictable. But it was good :)

I loved that rejection bit, it is not often I see such a brilliant rejection and it was a nice twist to have the girl reject the I love you rather then Sirius.

I thought this was a really good idea as to why Sirius became the play-boy we know and love, it's always something I have been curious about and it was nice to see your ideas :D

The only point I will mention was that It wasn't very clear where the flash back was. Just a point, I got a little bit confused.

But other then that I really enjoyed this. Well done.

Hannah x (8/10)

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm really glad that you liked this even though i did have sirius and them a little more serious about the conversation i was kinda thinking it would be nice to see that side of them because i'm sure they had many serious conversations where they didnt joke around about things. I know that the part with james and lily was a little predictable but i think a good majority of their relationship was predictable until they started to get along thats where things (atleast in my opinion) get a little more unpredictable.

I'm glad you liked the rejection part of the story and that it was a good idea for why he becomes a play-boy in the future. Someone else told me that they had a hard time realizing when the flashback started as well so i will deffinately make sure when i edit this that i do something so people know that its a flashback.

Thank you for your time and for reading and reviewing. It means a lot to me!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #28, by Lalala A Beautiful Injustice

17th February 2011:
Lalala, here with your review:)!

I liked it, it got progressively better towards the end, too:) The only thing I would change would be the spacing (because it was a little hard to read) and maybe add a little something more to the beginning so that it leads into the whole Kristi thing and isn't as confusing. Like, why he's hiding it from his friends and what he loves about her. Or maybe her saying good-bye or just leaving and Sirius sort of going and explaining it, his feelings, the situation, etc. I especially liked the ending. How it flipped around from the normal "guys only want one thing" and made it so that girls were guilty of breaking hearts too. It's not normally something people think about or say. I really liked it!
10/10

lalala

Author's Response: aww hey im so glad you liked it. i'm glad you thought it got better as you continued on and that you liked how i ended it. I thought it would be different to have the girl as the one who wasnt in love and the guy is. I tried to explain that Sirius was hiding it from his friends because his feelings for her were really deep and they would make fun of him because of him making fun of james for loving lily but i probably didnt stress it enough in the story.

Thank you for your time and for reading and reviewing.

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #29, by orderofthephoenix A Beautiful Injustice

17th February 2011:
Hey!

It's nice to see you've written Sirius as someone who's not as bold and cocky as he's sometimes portrayed. :)

I don't like Peter much but I'm glad you gave him some lines. Many authors kind of forget he's there so he doesn't say anything.

When Sirius was reminiscing about the first time he met Kristi, which was very sweet by the way, I didn't realise it was a flashback. Perhaps you could insert a few asterisks (***) to show this?

Overall, a good read :)

Sophia x

Author's Response: aww thanks hun! I'm glad you like the way i had Sirius in this oneshot! yea i dont really like peter much but because this was while they were still in school i knew he still needed a part. I will try to remember to do something so people understand its a flashback.

Thank you for your time and for reading and reviewing

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #30, by hpgrl A Beautiful Injustice

16th February 2011:
hey!
Great job. You conveyed Sirius's feelings well and the story flowed nicely. I loved the ending, and it kind of gives a perspective on why sirius is really the supposed player that everyone considers him. Your writing is strong, only thing I'd like to point out is that I feel like your dialogue is kind of stiff- just for some of the dialogue, it feels like its too forced. I don't know if you get what I'm saying, but if you don't - its fine. Its a really minor thing. Everything else was superb :)

Author's Response: aww thanks! I'm so glad that you thought i did everything really well besides some stiffness to the conversations and yes i do understand what your talking about i will work on it for my next oneshot and hope that with time i will improve on it. I'm also really happy that you liked how i had sirius and that you loved the ending!

Thank you so much for your time and for reading and reviewing!


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Review #31, by Toujours Padfoot A Beautiful Injustice

16th February 2011:
NO

*hugs Sirius*

Poor Sirius! I like that you seemed to explain why Sirius never married or was openly involved with women in the books. Kind of fills the canon holes.

But no! I loves Sirius and that tart broke his heart! *cries*

Altogether, it was well-written. I could feel Sirius's anticipation for what was about to happen, and I was really rooting for him. He was so nervous and boyish and adorable, and I just kept thinking, "happy ending, happy ending, happy ending". But I can see that this ending was perhaps the best, because it serves a purpose. It explains why Sirius Black didn't let himself fall in love again.

:(

*cries again* I hope Kristi gets stepped on by a dragon.

Author's Response: lol your review made me smile so much! I hope kristi gest stepped on as well.. but it was really fun writing her and this whole oneshot so i'm glad you liked it. I'm also happy to hear you were hoping for a happy ending because i was hoping people wouldnt be able to predict what was going to happen to him. The whole idea of this oneshot was to explain that this is what made him become a womanizer so although my challenge was Sirius Black and First Love i thought well why not make it a sad ending because i could see this happening to him so i'm glad you hated her and that you were hoping for a happy ending!

Thank you so much for your time and for reading and reviewing. I'll be getting to your story either later tonight or tomorrow i'm heading out the door in a few mins for work but thank you for your awesome review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #32, by silverstarletworld89 A Beautiful Injustice

16th February 2011:
OMG what a(mumbles horrible words about Kristi) That was so harsh how could she do that!! Don't worry Sirius I love you and I would never break your heart!!! I love how you intergrated the James/Lily dating and the starting plans of how they should try and transform into Anamagi to help Lupin awww the boys are sooo sweet, ep I love them all apart from a certain one of course. Loved the details of how Sirius was feeling, could really imagine it.:-)

Great story!!
Silverstarletworld89

Author's Response: Yay! I'm so glad that you liked my oneshot! Glad you love all my details in his thoughts and how he was feeling that you could really imagine it as well! I'm also really happy that you liked how i integrated the lily/james and the boys planning on being Anamagi.

Thank you for your time and for reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #33, by justonemorefic A Beautiful Injustice

16th February 2011:
Here to review swap!

I like your interactions between the boys. You've got a pretty good handle on grammar and syntax! There are some things that might be better suited just implied rather than explicitly stated out loud. Like: "Besides, if we do this, we wonít have to be sitting in the common room wondering how much pain youíre going through and how alone you must feel being locked away from the rest of the world. We will be able to be there with you through it." That's a rather lengthy piece of dialogue and doesn't quite fit James voice. Shortening it a bit might be good :)

I think some of his interaction with Kristi could be developed a bit more; I'm not sure why he loves her. But I do like that final twist at the end. That doesn't happen much, to be sure. Poor Sirius!

Hope this helps some! :D

Author's Response: Hey thank you so much for all of your input i will make sure to keep them in mind for the next time i write something. I'm also glad that you liked the interaction i had between the boys and i probably should have shown more into Sirius and Kristi's relationship. Also i'm glad that the end was a twist for you because i didnt really want anyone to be able to predict it and i'm glad that it doesnt happen that often.

Thank you so much for your time and for reading and reviewing.

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #34, by ericajen A Beautiful Injustice

16th February 2011:
Aw. You rarely read stories that make you feel bad for Sirius, but here one is! I thought it was really nice. I loved the way you described his feelings for her. It was so touching the way he was nervous and everything. Very different than how he is normally portrayed and therefore very refreshing! That was very sad at the end, though! Poor Sirius. He deserves better. But I also liked how you incorporated the very last part about him swearing off of love and everything. This is almost like an explanation for his womanizing persona. All in all, I think it was very well done! Good job!

Erica.

Author's Response: hey i'm so glad you liked it and that you felt bad for Sirius. Also glad that you thought that it was refreshing in his perspective and that it actually makes you feel bad for Sirius. I have never read any stories about sirius unless its in James/Lily so i'm glad my ideas were not cliched. And yes this was supposed to be an explanation for his womanizing persona that he has.

Thank you so much for your time and for reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #35, by Miss MarlaG A Beautiful Injustice

16th February 2011:
I am going to cry.
HOW COULD KRISTI DO THAT TO SIRIUS BLACK! NO WAY! I HATE HER! LETS BURN HER AT THE STAKE!
I wanna cry. poor sirius! I really wanna cry.
this was really cool. i hope you win!
:D gald to exchange reviews with you!

Author's Response: Hey i'm so glad you liked it and that you think that i should win. And i'm glad that you hated kristi since thats what i wanted people to feel. Thank you so much for your time and your review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #36, by SexyDoorFrames A Beautiful Injustice

16th February 2011:
Ohh, It was amazing. It was refreshing to read a peice in Sirius' mind. I hardly read any of fics that have him as the narrator. So this made it an amazing thing to read from the start. I love a bit of Sirius/Oc. I always have even though I mostly search out next gen now.

I loved the ending; the way he goes all cold. I liked how it was turned around to the girl being the err...meanie. Usually it's the guy, so once again it was refreshing to read. The last line just summed everything up and was the perfect ending. I don't like Kristi, but I figured that was your point. She's so mean.

In all, I really enjoyed it. Excellent one shot.

- SexyDoorFrames

Author's Response: I'm so glad that you thought it was refreshing to read a oneshot being in sirius' point of view and that i had the girl being the one to be the meanie as you say! I'm glad you liked it and that you thought it was a great ending! The idea instantly came to me when i was given my challenge and the ending was the first thing i had an idea for and centered the rest of the story around it.

Thank you so much for your time and for reading and reviewing my oneshot. it means a lot!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #37, by Ellerina A Beautiful Injustice

16th February 2011:
It's really rare to find a piece written in first person from Sirius' point of view and I think that added a really interesting perspective to this situation. It all read really easily and I thought you wrote the James/Lily situation quite well, as well as giving Sirius a bit of back story as to why he might have been so cold towards women in the future.

The only thing I thought you might be able to improve was the dialogue. It seemed a bit too formal for the characters and their level of close friendship. Maybe try reading it out loud to see whether the flow of it works? That way it might seem a bit more natural.

Good work!
Annie

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I'm glad that you think doing this in first person added to the story and that its not usually done. Also i'm glad that you liked my james/lily situation and that i did a good job for a backstory as to why Sirius will be the way he is.

Thank you for your insight into the conversations i will deffinatley try to remember that the next time i write something to try and read it outloud and hear how well it flows. That is a great piece of advice. Thanks for your time and reading and reviewing my oneshot, it means a lot!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #38, by MrsJaydeMalfoy A Beautiful Injustice

16th February 2011:
Awww, poor Sirius! This piece was very well-written, and very interesting as well! I loved the inclusion of the James/Lily situation, as well as the Marauders' decision to become Animagi. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors, and I think this flows very nicely! A well deserved 10/10!

Author's Response: aww thanks hun! i'm so glad you liked it and that you thought i did a great job! I'm also glad that you liked the extra things i put in so it wasnt all just romance but that there was some substance as well. I liked the james and lily situation as well cuz i just feel sooo bad for him and i love reading about them! Thank you for your time and for reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #39, by TenthWeasley A Beautiful Injustice

15th February 2011:
Hey, Erica! Man, I miss you. =] So here I am to leave my OFFICIAL review for your lovely Sirius/OC one-shot!

This story has made leaps and bounds and mighty strides since I first read it, and it's turned out wonderfully Erica - truly. =] Your writing style has improved so much in just the short time I have known you, and I couldn't be happier for you. =] Your Sirius characterization was great, and I loved your OC as well - in the kind of way that made me want to punch her in the face. But that's (hopefully) the way she was written, so what I'm trying to say is that you did a great job on your characterization!

I couldn't be prouder of you, you've turned this story around one hundred and eighty degrees and it's marvelous. I absolutely love your originality - I am so very, very proud of you!! Love you girl, congratulations on your first fic! xoxoxo

Author's Response: aww hun this made me sooo happy that i almost wanted to cry! The fact that you think my writing has improved even in the short amount of time is awesome! I'm so glad that you liked my characterization of both Sirius and my OC and yes you were supposed to hate her! Your review has made me so happy it was very sweet and I'm so glad that you like it! Thank you for your time and the review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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Review #40, by IwRiTe4mE A Beautiful Injustice

15th February 2011:
Aw that's really sad. I mean poor Sirius, he really loved her. This was really well written. :) I really enjoyed it. Sirius' emotions were so real and now I feel so completely bad for him. Anyway loved it!
~Kat

Author's Response: Thank you for your review it means a lot to me that you took the time to read and review it. I'm glad that you liked it and that you thought his emotions were so real. And i'm glad you thought it was well written. I got the idea for it right away when i got my challenge from CharlieDay. Again thank you for your review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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