You had me at "Doctor Who". I love that show! But wait, if they're dead and chilling up in the clouds, shouldn't they already know everything? Including the answer to the first question ever asked? Doctor, who? That's another rant for another review. Let's talk about your story, shall we?
I loved this chapter! We got to see Ellie do her thing, talking to ghosts. And what a ghost! Regulus Black! I really liked how you presente him, with his devil-may-care behaviour and general wit and sarcasm. And of course, Ellie replied in the same note. This story reminds me a bit of that tv show "Ghost Whisperer", but with the difference that while the main character on the show was very serious about her ghost buddies, Ellie is laid-back and fun about it.
This line And he was cute. And dead, but who really cared about such trivial things? was simply perfect, since it showed me that she was still a teenage girl and she still had teenage interests, such as boys. His warnings were creepy and frightening, but the character's reaction to them made this a very fun chapter to read.
I love how Ginny took on the role of the twins' mother after their own mother died. It reminds me so much of how Molly was with Harry and in my mind Ginny is very similar to her mother.
Things are slowly moving forward with the plot and I like that you're taking your time, not rushing into anything. The plot so far seems thought out, the characters are well developed and the general mood of this story is light and fun! I'm looking forward to reading more!
RalAuthor's Response: AAAHHH!!! Another DW fan! Yayayayayayay! But that's the point Regulus was trying to make. Death just ain't all it's cracked up to be - at least for him.
Yeah, Ellie does her thing. And yes, Ellie's gift is influenced by my rather unhealthy obsession with that show a few years back, but I really wanted to make her different from the main character of that show. Ellie's seventeen, still trying to figure things out, and her gift complicates the situation a whole lot, so she doesn't take it as well as she pretends to. Her complete noobness becomes more obvious later on.
Regulus' warnings are supposed to be sort of ominous (also why I chose him, because I think he has the potential to do ominous well) but Regulus himself is supposed to seem unthreatening, so I thought humour might help with that!
To me, Ginny grows up to be a lot like her mother, in many aspects of her life - adopting her kids' best friends being one of them.
I'm so scared about not rushing that I sometimes wonder if I'm dragging my feet a little too much! But hopefully things turn out okay!
Thank you for the lovely review! Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review!
Right from the start, I have to say I love the idea of a witch seeing ghosts that other magical folks can't see. It sets her aside from her peers and it gives the reader (me, in this case) a preview that things aren't going to be very normal with her. The main thing about these characters, the ones with special powers, is that it's very easy to turn them into Mary-Sues or Gary-Stues. But you avoided that from the very first part of that chapter, by showing us a teenage Albus Potter who doesn't like this girl. That, coupled with the fact that she admits there are things she is no good at (i.e. music) made her free of the Mary-Sue cliches from the start.
I really liked the description of the magical disease that took their mother. It was a very nice explanation, with sufficient detail for me to understand what had happened, without the whole event becoming the center of the chapter.
I like the dynamic between Rose and Ellie. Rose is one of my favorite NextGen characters (paired with Scorpius, of course) and I like how you've presented her as being so different from her mother, in the sense that she actually believes in Divination and seeing the future. Not something you see very often with this character.
Ellie is so funny! I love a witty and sarcastic teenage girl and she has plenty of wit and sarcasm. One particular line made me laugh out loud I could make things go bang by waving around a wooden stick, of course I was different. Brilliant!
The ending was very well written, because it keeps the general humor of the chapter while giving me a clue that something is indeed going to happen, and it's not the exams or Albus.
Lovely first chapter, m'dear! The writting flowed nicely, I couldn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes and the mood was (for the most part) light and funny, just like teenage stories are supposed to be!Author's Response: Hello!
I'm super worried that Ellie will turn into a Mary Sue - or worse - an anti-Mary Sue! So I'm counting on you guys to let me know when things start to get out of hand!
Epidemics are really weird things to write about, I think. They scar a community in such profound ways, over such a short period of time, yet no one hardly ever talks about them. So yay for you liking the description!
Rose can only ever really be paired with Scorpius in my head. And she just has so much potential, personality wise!
And yes! Ellie's supposed to be sarcastic and have this uber-dry sense of humour, and I'm really glad that it's coming through! Her snarkiness can get the better of her, though!
No, indeed it is not exams or Albus that is going to happen, although, they may feature!
:D Thank you again for such a lovely review! Report Review
Here for review tag!
Haha this seems like an interesting story. I am loving Ellie's characterisation. The fact that she can see ghosts (not the normal wizarding types) seems so cool and interesting and I cant wait to see how you explore and develop this aspect further in the story.
Albus and Ellie's banter was fun to read too, and I have a feeling its going to develop into romance, so it will interesting seeing that unfold.
The ending was very intriguing too! All in all, seems like a lovely story to me, so keep writing. I hope to come back for the further chapters soon =)
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hello!
Thank you! I wasn't sure if this had been done before, but I think this particular skill is heavily influenced by years of intensely watching Ghost Whisperer when I was young and impressionable!
Yes, it'll blossom into a romance - hopefully, if I manage to make it work in a semi-non-cliche manner!
Thank you again! Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here again!
Okay, so this chapter features another attention-grabbing opening paragraph! There's no way I could ignore anything with Regulus Black.
I was really happy to see Ellie showing some flaws in this chapter:
"... every single ghost I came across, needed me. I never asked for them. They always came looking for me." (arrogance)
"'So, go away,' I said. I could hear the defensiveness in my tone, and I internally cringed." (defensiveness)
These flaws make her seem more real. So far you have successfully avoided Mary Sue territory.
I liked her exchange with Regulus for the most part -- I like that he smirks constantly and behaves a bit impishly -- but I question whether he would really say "TTYL" as he leaves. She can't believe it, either, which is part of the joke, but unless he's just going to be a punchline there needs to be some compelling reason for him to use it. Is he using it ironically? Is he desperately trying to talk like a teenager, even though he's been around for over 50 years? It would be interesting to find out why he talks the way he does in a later chapter. ;)
I didn't catch any grammar issues in this chapter!
Finally, I really like your portrayal of Ginny, and that she is able to break through Ellie's snarky shell to her squishy emotional core with the watch. :)Author's Response: Hello again!
I'm beginning to realise that Regulus Black appears to be a difficult character to ignore! I think he's been the most popular character so far!
And thank goodness her flaws are apparent already! She isn't perfect, but sometimes, she likes to think that she's the emperor of the universe, and it's awesome that you picked up on it!
The "TTYL" thing I debated over for a while. I put it there on a whim, and when I went back to edit, I think I changed it about fifty times. But in the end, I stuck with it. I'm actually not sure if I should take it any further or not, but you've given me some interesting ideas concerning his character, so I could possibly make more of it than I initially planned!
And yes! NO GRAMMAR ISSUES! THE GRAMMAR NAZI WITHIN IS APPEASED!
And I adore Ginny. It's wonderful to hear someone who likes my portrayal of her! Report Review
Hi, Elphaba here with your requested review!
First of all, I really like the short, snappy one sentence paragraphs at the beginning:
"No, I'm not kidding.
Yes, I am sane.
For the most part."
I also like Ellie's voice as the narrator. I could easily imagine her speaking in my head as I read. Her commentary is fun, and enhances the story rather than bogging it down:
"'Hurry up! The candles will have melted all over the cake by now!' Thank God Chris has grown out of the melodrama."
During her great-gran's explanation of her gifts, I wondered about the purpose of her gift. How would she help the invisible ghosts? Do they either move on or become visible after she counsels them? I'm assuming this will be covered later in the story, but I could have used a little more information here.
There's one other place where I would actually like to see a few additional details: "'Oh my Merlin! His new book's out!' She picked up a book from the New Releases stand and waved it under my nose." I would actually like to know who 'he' is, the title of the book and maybe why Rose is so excited about it. These details would help to flesh out both Rose and the setting a bit more.
I like that you've bucked the trend of making Albus Potter the weird/creepy/loner kid at Hogwarts, and instead made him a bit more like James. I also like that Rose is a Ravenclaw instead of a Gryffindor, and Scorpius is welcome at the Potter house. I appreciate the absence of cliches. :)
I found two very nit-picky little grammatical things in this chapter:
"'Why does everyone keep on barging into my house like its there's?' I asked..." There's should be "theirs."
"How did you tell someone politely that you thought that they and their entire profession were complete and utter bogus?" Complete and utter should have the suffix "ly" added.
I think my favorite part of this chapter is the back and forth between Ellie and the Mystic. I love Ellie's dry humor:
"'Your future is... confusing...'
'There's a surprise.' I looked significantly over at Rose, but she was completely engrossed in what the crazy woman who had hold of my hand was saying.
'I see... trials...' No surprises there: it was NEWTs year."
So far, this story has my attention! :) Moving on to chapter two...Author's Response: Hello! And thank you for reviewing!
I have a lot of trouble with beginnings, so I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Yes! You like Ellie! It's difficult I think to like a story when the narrator is uncompelling, especially when it's written in first person. So nice to hear that she reads well!
I didn't want to explain the entirety of her gift all in one chapter. It took her a while to figure things out, so I wanted the reader to go on a similar journey. But more shall be revealed!
Haha! I'll keep that in mind! I'm terrible at description, so it's wonderful to hear exactly where you want more info and what not. I'll try harder!
I think the cliches could become more intense a little later on, so it's really nice of you to say that the cliches aren't too prevalent just yet!
And the grammar issues - *hides face in shame*. I'm a ruthless grammar nazi and for me to use the wrong "there" is actually killing me inside! I shall have to fix them!
The fortune-telling scene was difficult to write, so yay that you enjoyed it! Report Review
Hiya! Oh, wow that's one captivating opening line!
You know life ain't normal when Regulus Black is standing in the middle of your neighbour’s kitchen.
I love your humorous portrayal of Regulus! And I'm glad it's Regulus rather than Sirius. It's such a mysterious but utterly frustrating visit - the things Regulus hints about, like how Ellie will be needing his help for the rest of the year. And instead of, you know, elaborating and providing information, he goes on to admire the kitchen tiling and whatnot. Gah! I adore how infuriating your Regulus is :D Hopefully he will be popping round a little more often in Ellie's life.
And oh, I love Ginny here :) She sounds a lot older and more mature, which is fitting, seeing as she's middle-aged and has three nearly grown up children. I love how motherly she is to Ellie and Chris, it certainly figures that she would take after Molly Weasley's habits of mothering people! But here Ginny is gentler and more thoughtful...I think it's a lovely depiction of her! To give watches on Ellie and Chris' birthday...that really does mean that she sees the twins as part of the Potter-Weasley family! That is rather surprising, and I do hope that you'll be showing us more on how Ellie interacts with and fits in with the Weasleys and Potters more!
Also, this second part of the chapter is a lovely change in atmosphere from the first part. With Regulus, there was some humour with his annoying self around, but in the second part, there was something warmer and more personal in the tone of Ellie's narration. I get the sense that Ellie does feel quite overwhelmed. And with good reason too. That was a wonderful gesture on the part of Ginny!
I would love to see more on Chris, and how the twins' relationship to each other are :) Hopefully more will be revealed in future chapters!
OK, this has been a very entertaining chapter :) Good luck with writing and keep at it. Cheers!
-tehAuthor's Response: Hello!
Haha, that first line was a right pain to come up with, so I'm glad that you liked it!
I'm writing Sirius in another story, so I wanted to have a shot at Regulus. He's one of my favourite minor characters, so I wanted to see what he was going to be like! And I adore how he's turned out! And yes, he turns up more in Ellie's life!
Ginny I think, is a seriously underrated character, in part, I think because of her portrayal (or lack thereof) in the films. So, again, like with Regulus, I wanted to see how she'd turn out if I wrote her down. I've always thought she'd turn out a lot like Molly when she became a mother - especially with the whole adopting their kids' best friends!
I wanted to show another side of Ellie in the second half, and I'm happy that you liked it! So far, we've seen her as being this super sarcastic, snarky little thing, and I wanted to perhaps hint that there might be a little more to her than that!
And more Chris to come! Report Review
I'm here for your review that's kind of late because I suck like that and life sucks like that. Anyway, I enjoyed this first chapter so much I added the story to my favourites!
Moving onto the actual review part.
Five-year-old Ellie seemed a lot smarter than most five-year-olds. I mean, she understood what a specter was and everything, meanwhile, I can't get my brother to understand the concept of not talking to strangers. My point is, five-year-old Ellie wasn't that believable.
Am I nitpicking? Yep, I am but this is feedback after all.
I noticed throughout the story that you use one-liners a lot instead of actual paragraphs and I don't know if this bother's other people but this is like a pet peeve of mine. It annoys me when people do this because each one liner is relevant and can be put together to form a paragraph.
But it isn't and instead it's a one liner and I'm sitting here thinking "WHY!"
Is my humor not working? I don't think it is, let me know if it is though.
I loved the dialogue between the family, it was such easy and light banter that you can't help but smile at. It's the type of things you'd expect a really close family to say.
I don't know why but every time that Albus said 'Anderson' I kept picturing Anderson for Sherlock and it made me laugh. That's irrelevant to what I'm actually supposed to be doing right now but who cares!
You could definitely add more description to your story. While there was some description, it was mostly made up of dialogue than anything else.
Ellie reminds me of me, if you mention books, that's all I need to hear and I'll be going with you wherever. Which brings me to the point that your characters are all believable and relatable even if they are fictional and can do magic. I especially love the friendship between Rose and Ellie.
All in all, I really enjoyed this chapter and I look forward to the rest of this story. I hope I was helpful in some way and if I wasn't, I hope I amused you to some extent with this review!
-GREIS IS OUT! (that's pronounced Grace if you're wondering)Author's Response: Hello! And life sucks far too much for anyone's convenience.
I agree. Five-year-old Ellie is a little unbelievable. She was just a little too chill with the whole thing, but I think that's my fault, because I kind of glossed over her whole reaction. If it helps, I do intend to show how much she struggled with her gift when she was younger a little later on! But thanks for pointing that out. Once you mentioned it, it does make sense.
*cringes* I do one-liners because I can't write paragraphs. Honestly, I've really, really tried, but I suck that them. Sometimes I write too many paragraphs, and other times my writing is just one entire block of paragraph. THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND! But I know, it's annoying, and I completely understand where you're coming from. I hate reading huge chunks of writing, so I went for one-liners to compensate for my lack of mad paragraphing skillz.
Oh, how I love you for liking the dialogue and finding it natural. I can't do description to save my life, as you noticed, so I again, compensate for it through dialogue, which I fear can sound quite unnatural at times. But I AM trying to work on my description, so thank you for pointing that out!
It's nice to hear that you can relate to Ellie on some level. I'm a bit of a book-lover myself, so I couldn't resist!
Thank you so much for your helpful review!
PS: I was wondering how to pronounce it! Report Review
Aah! I love Regulus! From here on out, Regulus is mine! I don't care if some dead supermodel swans in and is all like 'Oh! Hey there Regulus, I'm so gorgous' he is MINE no matter what. End of.
Somehow, I always love filler chapters, because they can be highly entertaingin with all the randomness and what-not!
I like how the Potters kind of took Chris and Ellie under their wing, it seems like a very Potter-ish thing to do, seeing as Harry had a bit of a make-shift family, and knows how important that is!
I am pretty sure that Ginny is well used to entertaining people who are slightly off-balance, seeing as she's friends with Luna :P
Although, I think Ellie tops Luna on the weird-o-meter
I wait in anticipation for the next chappie :DAuthor's Response: The free review was completely unnecessary (because I would have come knocking back on the proverbial door of your review thread), but much appreciated!
And okay, you can have Regulus, but you might have to fight the super model for him - it's a possibility.
I love writing filler chapters (so expect many more) because you're right - they're just such a nice break from everything else that's going on, although making the second chapter in your story a filler could be considered a little... extreme!
Wow! You're wonderful for noticing that! Yeah, I wanted some of that same sort of stuff from Harry's circumstances to be coming through (and I'm super glad you noticed!) and I think Ginny being Molly's daughter would definitely jump on board with it!
Ginny is just such a chill person. I think Voldemort could be tap dancing at Vauxhall, and she wouldn't bat and eyelid. Although I still think Luna is weirder than Ellie, because Luna is just too awesome like that!
Thank you again! Report Review
Siriusly89 here with your (severly overdue!) requested review!
Can I just say beforehand, that I JUST LOVE THIS?
I have yet to read another story that has a main character that see's dead people! Ever! I'd love to get to learn more about this though! Why does she see dead people exactly? Is it just some weird quirk she picked up from her ancestors, or do the family carry the gene for a reason? Maybe Voldemorts lurking around somewhere waiting for a chance to kill Harry and Ellie stops it from happening!
That. Would. Be. Epic.
On the other hand, I have read an awful lot of Next-Gen's where the main characters hate each other, and then they magically turn into these wonderfully flawless people who they really love! So do be careful to avoid that certain trap!
I loved the fortune teller at the end! Lets face it, crazy ladys make a great addition, no matter what the story is :P
This story has a lot of good hidden humor which makes you laugh at odd intervals! My favourite line from this chapter being:I did what only a child could do after such a revelation.
GENIUS! RIGHT THERE IS GENIUS AT WORK!
And because I love this so much, I'M GIVING YOU A FREE REVIEW!
On to the next chappie!Author's Response: Haha! Don't worry about the lateness! You had quite a few reviews to do!
And YAY! Thank you for liking this story!
I think Ellie's gift is inspired from the days when I used to intensely watch Ghost Whisperer (good times, good times), and that one time I watched the Sixth Sense, when I was young and impressionable! And I explain her gift a little more, a little later on!
And you're right. Ellie saving Harry Potter's butt would be epic.
I'm really worried about the cliche-ness of the romance, but I seriously had no other ideas about what to do with them. And the cliche really fits rather well with Ellie's personality, too! But I shall endeavour to be careful!
The world needs more crazy ladies, in my opinion.
And thank you for thinking that this story is funny! And genius? You flatter me! Report Review
First let me say that yes, I said I needed sleep and my mind was slowing down but...I HAD TO COME BACK!
I loved your portrayal of Regulus - we don't know anything about him really so you've done a great job from scratch. I want to know what he's up too!
Ellie - well I really like her so far.
The plot seems really intense and well thought out and I haven't encountered anything cliche or cheesy which makes me extremely excited! PLEASE UPDATE!
I mean...you left us with so many questions! Have mercy!
*hands her some Premium Muse Food*
Alright now I suppose I HAVE to go to bed...but I'll be wondering about this story, just so you know!Author's Response: YOU SHOULD GO TO SLEEP NOW! But thank you for the review! I have no idea how you were able to form such coherent sentences! When I go re-read some of the stuff I've written at three in the morning, not only is the story terrible, my grammar goes out the window and into the rose bushes!
I've always found Regulus to be a really interesting character, so he seemed like one of those people that you should include in as many stories as humanly possible. And he's definitely up to something...
Now that you've said that the plot is intense, I have to make sure and double-check that it actually turns out that way, because that's what I want. And seriously, no cliche? What about Al and Ellie's super cliche relationship? You must be the first person who doesn't think it's cliche - which is great!
And I'll update as soon as I can... and thank you for the muse food! Report Review
I really loved how you portrayed her as a child and her recollection of her gift. I think my favorite part was the creepy old lady, to be honest. The flow was simply perfect for me and so was the perspective. I couldn't find any grammar issues. If it were earlier, I'd write a huge review of every bit I loved, but it's late and my brain is slowing. Rain check on the long review? ;)
I really want to read more!!! I'm adding this to my favorites. :)Author's Response: Haha! That's okay! Your review was wonderful anyways! I was actually thinking of getting this story reviewed via your review thread, but every time I went there, I'd be like "ooh! This doesn't sound like something they'd want to read!", so yeah. I always chickened out. So I'm really glad that you enjoyed this! Report Review
Oh, wow! This is really, really intriguing. I love reading fanfictions from ships that can usually grow cliche, Albus/OC being one of them, and I'm always very pleasantly surprised when one is as unique as yours is. As an avid Jily shipper I face the same problems writing fanfics that involve them - with so many stories written, it's hard to find a plot that's really unique, and that can bring people in from the start. But I personally feel that you've done a great job with that. Personally I've never read a story like this one before, so you've at least got me there!
Ellie is adorable! Every time she speaks, or even most of the time when she thinks, I can't help but giggle. She's very much a character with a lot of independence, and someone who can hold their own, so I really hope you continue with that when the fic progresses. I can't stand when authors take a strong OFC and make her character all gushy as soon as whatever canon male comes along and sweeps them off their feet, so I guess this is a little bit me begging you not to do that with her XD I can't imagine you doing so, though, because she seems to be someone who would rather die than be caught getting all mushy over any boy - Albus Potter especially.
Which brings me to my next point; I adore the dynamics of their relationship. Albus was characterized exactly how I imagine him being - a little snarky, quite a bit full of himself, but still having that sweet side that just makes you incapable to do anything but love hin. And I was just swooning over the subtle little implication that he doesn't hate Ellie at all (such a cute name, btw) but actually kinda likes her. It's like they've fallen into this flirty play-fighting, but he's the only one who's noticed that it's a little flirty, while she's still under the impression that they can't stand each other. It's really sweet, and I can't wait to see how it plays out later on in the fic.
I'm rambling, and I apologize, but I just have one last thing to say that I touched on briefly earlier - please, I beg you, keep this story as awesome and unique as it is now. I've been noticing a terrible trend of stories becoming cheesy and the romance rushing in all-too-soon just for the sake of romance, something which really tends to bug me. When you've got a story as awesome as yours, with characters who are as brilliant independent as they are in a relationship, it can really bring down the quality of a story for me when an author just dives into stuff hoping for more reviews or whatever. And I can't see you do that - I've read your other stuff and it's brilliant, so I'm not too worried. I just really love this fanfiction, and I really want it to continue as wonderfully as this first chapter was. As far as first impressions go, you make a pretty good one on me! ;)
Can't wait to read more. Such an awesome start!
xx MollyAuthor's Response: Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy rambling reviews? Probably not, but I really, really do! Also, may I just say, that I am totally flattered that you've read my other stuff (and you like it)? Because I totally am!
I, for some reason, really adore stereotypes and cliches - sometimes far too much, but I do. So I couldn't resist including a cliche relationship! It's actually terrible of me, not thinking up a more unique relationship dynamic, but there you have it! Also, the way I wrote Ellie - she'd have a love/hate dynamic with anyone I paired her with. It's part of who she is.
I love writing Ellie! She is just so much fun! She's pretty heavy on the sarcasm, and I absolutely love it! Also, I can throw in as many pop culture references as I like with her! There's nothing like bringing all the fandoms together! And I'm gonna try really hard to stay true to her character. Of all the characters I've written, she's the one that I get the most, so I hope there's little danger of me losing her.
I think you're the first person to notice that about Al and Ellie! I'm really glad that you did! Because it's pretty important. Because that is pretty much what their relationship is, right now. Also, because Al is so swoon-worthy, like all the time, I had to give him a certain snarkiness, just to balance things out a little!
And I'm gonna try really, really hard to keep to the main aim of this story. So for the first time, ever, I'm gonna sit down and plan things. Properly. And it's going to be totally awesome! The planning, I mean. The story can be whatever it wants to be. Report Review
Hey, this is Faux from the forums again! I really only found one thing to comment on:
I mentioned in my last review that you could use some work on description, and again, that's definitely true. I still don't have a really good idea of what Cassandra's like - from what you've given us so far, she doesn't seem to have much of a personality beyond her wit. I'd suggest you start out by telling us what the kitchen's like, what Regulus actually looks like, that kind of junk.
FauxAuthor's Response: GAH! WHY IS DESCRIPTION SO DIFFICULT?!?!?!
Anyways, thank you SO MUCH! I really do need to work much, much harder than I am on my description!
Unfortunately, I'll probably be knocking on your proverbial door again, for another review, just because I'm so terrible at the whole description thing, and you give really good advice!
Hopefully, that doesn't bother you! Report Review
Hey, there, its Gabbie with your requested review and pleasure to meet you and all that jazz. So this is very interesting! I've never read anything quite like this before, and certainly not with a witch being able to see ghosts. I suppose not many people wanted to touch on that since at Hogwarts, there were dead people everywhere. :D
But Ellie is different from that and the way you have it written is very nice, its not so dark, so much as sort of funny. I liked the beginning with her great-grandmother too, and am thankful that you didn't have her screaming and running away. She seems pretty determined for a kid!
As sad as it was, I thought your opening with her and Chris at seventeen was a little touching. They seem very close and I enjoyed reading about them and I have my worries for their Dad. I hope you play around with that a bit more, he seemed really out of it. :( Can't blame him though.
But anyway, Albus! Whoa, what a change he is! I have never read a cocky, sexy Albus before and I must say that I enjoyed it. It was very unique I think and his banter with Ellie was hilarious and Scorpius Malfoy is in this too? I do love me some Malfoy men. :3 Hope to see him soon! ;)
But I LOVED what you did with Rose. She seems like a normal teen, not so much high strung and its great that she's different from her mother when it comes to fortune telling, something Hermione couldn't stand. Hahahaha.
I thought with the fortune tellling with Ellie was well-done, a little creepy and weird. I mean, I sense some good foreshadowing going on and I really loved how you wrote it. :D
So, I didn't spot any major CC's! I loved this and I think Ellie and this world you've given her are great.
Much love and thanks for the read!
GabbieAuthor's Response: Hello! And I assure you, the pleasure is all mine!
It's pretty exciting to know that you find my story a little unique - especially considering the love/hate dynamic I set up already!
I aimed to make Ellie (and by extension, this story) sort of funny - I don't particularly enjoy writing angst, because I'm so bad at it, and it makes me feel horrible, so I want to keep it light, but have some action and adventure as well!
The scene with Ellie and Chris was really difficult to write, actually (ergo, it was so short), so I'm glad that you found it to your liking! I, too, worry for their dad, so of course I have some ideas for him!
I'm sure you've read a sexy Albus before. There are a lot of sexy Albuses out there! But yeah, it didn't make sense to me that he'd be this total nice and sensitive guy - you just couldn't if you hung around James that much! Also, like James, Albus too, has Marauder blood running through his veins! And who doesn't love some Malfoy men action?
I really tried to make Rose as normal as possible. I didn't want another Hermione - with Ron's genes thrown into the mix, it just wasn't possible!
The fortune telling scene was supposed to be a little creepy and weird - because fortune telling is a little creepy and weird, at least, in my opinion, so I'm really glad that you liked it!
Thank you for the lovely review! Report Review
Hey Its Mya here with your review!
I really loved the skill you gave Ellie! It's very unique and even Chris with his music playing. Never heard of the Potters being neighbors so that's interesting too!
I like Al in this, he seems a bit like James though Ellie hating Al is kind of a cliche. I hope there is something different you are planning for their relationship =) Just to make it more unique!
Rose seems really nice! Though I hope maybe some of the other cousins could be involved? It feels like Rose is always the best friend lol.
I dont see the adventure yet, but surely you have something very exciting planned and Ellie's gift will totally enchant the whole thing!
Can't wait to read more!
You know where to find me if you want more reviews =)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad that you think the characters and stuff are interesting!
And yes, I wanted Al to be more James Snr than he's usually portrayed - I mean, they do share genes, after all! And their relationship is very cliche, I know, but I couldn't help myself!
And all the cousins will be coming and going, I promise!
And the adventure will come soon, I promise! Report Review
Hi m'dear! Here from review tag!
Ohh I love the idea about there being ghosts that not many can see. With how much different sort of things there are in the HP universe, it fits right in. I also liked that Ellie wasn't afraid when she spoke with her great gran.
I love the irony of Rose and the divination. I also like that you've chosen her as your OC's best friend instead of Lily.
I'm sure you know that your sort of stepping into a cliched plot here. But cliches are there for a reason -- because people like them. I don't think it matters that this sort of plot has been done before as long as you add your own twists of characterization in on Albus and your OC. You've already started adding in different traits to your OC, like the fact that she doesn't do quidditch, so I'm sure you'll continue putting your own unique spin on her and Albus and their love hate sort of dynamic
I feel like we were missing a bit of descriptions to help set the scenes. It doesn't have to be a lot, just small details thrown about to remind us where we are/what's going on.
This was a really fun first chapter, m'dear. I liked the light adventurous attitude of it all!
JamiAuthor's Response: Hello!
I'm glad that the ghosts appear to be so popular. I wasn't sure how well received it would be - if it would fit in right or not, but I'm happy that you thought they did!
Rose and divination - I think it has so much potential for being so much fun!
I am fully aware of the cliche plot, but I didn't know what else to do, and I actually really adore cliches for some strange reason, but I shall endeavor to make it a unique experience!
And yes - description is something I struggle with, but I tried to add some more in the next chapter, but I'm not sure if I improved or not! But I'm trying to work on it - thank you!
Thanks, again, for reviewing! Report Review
Aannnd... I got my wish!!
Ghostie Number Two was just as cool as Ghostie Number One!!! Call me insane (which maybe I am, a little), but your version of dead Regulus Black?
Toally charmed the heart right out of me!!
Okay, so I don't normally go for sort-of jerks who know that they're beautiful (not to mention DEAD), but seriously, you've got it going on as far as believable and likable characters. I think I'm in love with a dead guy bvausr you just HAD to make him so lovable!! I've seriously never seen him written this way before, and I really love it!! I haven't read any of your other work (sad to say!) but I think that someday you should write a Regulus Black story (taking place during his life) in which he is just as cool and hot (paradox?) as he is in this story!!!
Sorry for all the parenthetical moments. You've just made me so happy with this story!!
As for what he's going to do, I can't say. Make her life a living nightmare? Sounds good to me!!
Ginny is awesome. Totally cool mom. And a fantastic almost-mom as well!!
Again, congratulations on this second fantabulous chapter!! I certainly hope that it get more recognition soon, because you definitely deserve it!
Here's to hoping you update very soon! (Feel free to request another review; now that I know the caliber of greatness that his story is, I'll be much quicker at reviewing!!)
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: (Parentheses are awesome!) (I love them so much!)
And you did get your wish! And I adore Ghostie #2. He's so much fun to write. And it's weird, because he is dead, but he's just so charming and loveable, and I really can't help liking him! He'll be recurring, because he's just too much fun to write, and I wanted to write him as he might have been if he'd had a normal life, without all that pressure and everything else. But I couldn't write a story with him as the main character like that! I'll just have to make do in this story I guess...
Ginny wins all the awards for coolest mum ever.
And thank you! You didn't have to review the second chapter, but you did anyways, and it made me so happy! Report Review
I'm really not sure if you remember me or not, but you requested a review from me a lonng time ago, and I've finally gotten round to writing it! I can only hope at this point that you'll forgive me, as I am most fervently sorry for the extremely long wait I've put you through. Unfortunately, life has been way too busy as of late... But we aren't here to talk about that; we're here to praise this chapter!!!
Okay. For starters: Albus/OC. My dear, this is an immediate way to win my heart. I am a lover of Albus/OC, becaus he's Next Gen and there's so much that can be done (same with the rest of them, but Al is my favorite!!). The only way to make me dislike a story like this is to majorly make it preposterous and unbelievable, which you haven't done at all. I really, really love your portrayal of him in his brief appearance, and I can't wait for more!!
The OC half of your pairing is AWESOME. I loved your description of the kind of spirits she sees, and the visit from Great Granny Agnes (that's what I've nicknamed her, is that okay?) was priceless. Throughout the chapter, I kept expecting her to see some spirit come to visit, but no such luck for me. :(
Maybe next chapter? I'd love to see how she interacts with some of the more colorful beings that are around!
As far as the mall bookstore situation goes... The teenage vampire mention was a crack at that genre, correct? I'm hoping so (no offense if you happen to enjoy that genre!) because I find that sort of jibe hilarious. :)
P.S. Ellie and I could be best friends. Definitely. She's awesome because she is a bookworm. 'Nuf said!
P.P.S. What house is she in? Perhaps I missed it, or perhaps it's in the next chapter? I know that Rose is a Ravenclaw, but I'd also like to know where everyone else is sorted, too! :) Maybe I've spoken too soon; you've probably got it all planned out!!!
Alright, Chris seems like a cool guy. HE'S A MUSICIAN, ZOMG!!! What other instruments does he play? Have you decided yet? Can he play the oboe? (Im an oboe player, so yeah, it would be totally awesome if a fanfiction character played the oboe!) He probably plays something awesome, whatever it is that he plays. I'd love to hear more about his music in the coming chapters!!!
Their poor mum... It's sad that she died, but I'm glad that she hasn't come around to have chats with Ellie. That would be just a little too much, unless it was part of the plot, of course! And I'm sorry for laughing, but bwahahahaha! "Great Magical Flu Epidemic"--that's really a good name! Some names for events are so intangible; this name you've got for your flu epidemic tells it all. Nice!!!
Th fortune-teller lady... Is she magical, or just a crazy Muggle with a rare manipulation of pseudopsychology? She knows quite a lot about Ellie, and I'm glad she didn't say any names or anything to give away the plot! Will we see her again, or was she just a one-time appearance? (Will she becone the new Divination teacher, perchance?) Hah, just kidding, I like to guess things sometimes, but I'm usually wayyy off. :)
Okay, so because I made you wait for so long for this one silly review, I'm gonna go review the next chapter. Maybe then you'll forgive me? :)
The first chapter is fantastic... Don't worry about people not liking it. Who DOESN'T like an Albus/OC, especially one as original as this one? You write with a clear and present voice, and your characters are already lovable.
In short: you're awesome.
Oh yeah, and before I go off to Chapter Two... Consider your story favorited by yours truly!! :)
Kudos to you for being so amazing, and I hope to see many more chapters on this story in the near future!! :D
~UnluckyStar57Author's Response: I think you win the award for longest review ever received! And don't worry about the lateness! I definitely don't mind. I'm just super happy that you took the time to read and review - and enjoyed yourself! Bonus!
I, too, am a fan of Next Gen, and although I prefer Rose/Scorpius, I do love me some Al/OC! And I adore cliches. I think they're the most fun thing to write - so I wanna include as many as I can!
Great grandma Agnes is a great name! I hadn't actually thought of a name for her, because I didn't plan to use her again, but if I do, do you mind if I borrow (*cough*shamelessy steal*cough*) that name? It's actually brilliant!
And the teenage vampire thing was a crack at it. I personally don't enjoy them, although I know loads of people do, but I really can't judge (like Rose said) because I'm into historical romances (like Ellie). But it was fun!
Aww! You wanna be besties with my OC? Flattered, much?
As you're like the only person to ask any questions, I'll answer them as best as I can. I didn't mention her house - but it comes up and it's a pretty big deal. Chris is an awesome guy, and I haven't decided exactly which instruments he's gonna play. Obviously, the piano, but both Ellie and him are into music, so I have Ellie playing string instruments and the drum-kit, so I kinda wanted Chris to play something different. The oboe sounds like a great idea! I'll see if I can make it work! Yes... I didn't know how to kill their mother off, but I needed her dead, so I came up with a plague. But I couldn't call it the Plague, or Scarlet Fever, or something, so I had to come up with the most unimaginative name for an epidemic, ever! And the fortune-teller is a muggle.
And thank you! Such a nice review! Report Review
Whoopie! You wrote a second chapter! I'm so happy! Congratulations! Bravo! Way too many exclamation marks!
I adored this chapter! Again. I love to read next-generation characters like Ellie but a lot of the time next-gen is completely plotless. More sex than actual story! This seems, thanks to the ghosts, like this is going to be a really interesting story and I can't wait to read more!
I love the way your started similarly to the last chapter with: 'You know life ain’t normal when Regulus Black is standing in the middle of your neighbour’s kitchen.' Instantly, from that line, I knew I was going to enjoy this chapter. I've always been quite curious about Regulus, as he isn't explored much in the books, so I think it's awesome that Ellie is able to see is ghost! Oh, and this bit was awesome by the way: 'And he was cute.
And dead, but who really cared about such trivial things?' You obviously have an awesome humourous streak!
Your characterizations in this chapter are awesome-especially of Regulus and Ellie. I can completely see the Black in Regulus shining through-the arrogance that Sirius has is definitely prominent, and I really hope he will be a reoccurring character! I especially loved the line: 'He shrugged, his smile coming down a notch from ‘I’m-the-coolest-dead-guy-ever’ to ‘yeah-I-almost-defeated-the-Dark-Lord-so-I’m-trying-to-be-humble’.' I also like the way you are developing Ellie's character and personality. I like the fact that she's a little nerdy, while still being quite sarcastic and witty. What a great combination-and one I haven't seen an awful lot of, either.
Hmm, why does Regulus think Ellie needs him? Is this possible foreshadowing of future events? Anyway, everything Regulus said in this chapter certainly grabbed my interest and I now find that I am asking myself a lot of questions. You have a great way of keeping the mystery and suspense, will still retaining a light, humour filled chapter, which is awesome.
The line: '“I’ve been dead for forty years, Ellie. Death can get pretty boring if I can’t livestream the latest episode of Doctor Who.”' was great-absolutely perfect comedic timing! You really have a knack for that, by the way. Oh, and have I mentioned I LOVE Regulus' character?
Aw, Ginny was so sweet in this character, and I really liked the slightly tender moment between her and Ellie, and how Ellie reminisced about her mother. It certainly added another layer of depth and believability to this chapter.
Another great one-I hope you update as soon as possible!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Hello! Do I get in trouble for being such a slow replyer? I mean, you reply to my reviews, practically the next day, so this is terrible! And in response to my last review to you - I LOVE READING YOUR REVIEWS TOO! Also, I do enjoy reviewing your stuff.
And aren't you just so proud? An actual second chapter! With actual plot development! Which is a lot more than all my previous drafts. *hi-5's myself*
It was so difficult to get that first line - I had to change things a bit to make it work! And I adored writing Regulus. I think he might be my favourite character in this story. As a writer, I don't think I'm allowed to pick favourites, but he really is. He's just so much fun!
And you think I'm funny? Aww... I'm truly flattered. Wait until you read some of my lamer and nerdier jokes that I want to add later on - they're much worse!
Ginny is probably the coolest mum ever. And I really wanted her to be a cool mum, because we see Molly as really traditional archetype, and Ellie really needs someone like that, but I didn't want to write Ginny as Molly, because she just isn't.
As for updating - I'm about to begin writing the third chapter in the next ten minutes! Report Review
I. Love. This. Story.
Read two chapters and I'm hooked already.
Regulus sounds like fun... but mysterious. I really don't have a clue about that.
And I love the relationships between Ellie and the Potters... Ginny Weasley is so... amazing/super/awesome.
And Chris... I have a feeling I'm going to like Chris, am I right?
Amazing chapter and story!
Cheers, SW.Author's Response: *smiles uncontrollably*
I feel extremely pleased that you're hooked - I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it! It flatters me far too much for it to be a good thing!
Merlin... Ellie and the Potters... they're good fun to write.
And you're not gonna like Chris - you'll end up loving him (I kinda do) - provided I write him correctly! Report Review
Hi! This is Faux from the forums with your requested review!
You told me in your request that you were worried that this would be boring, which it's definitely not. The whole seeing-dead-people thing is an interesting idea, but you'll have to watch your OC Ellie closely to make sure she doesn't become a Mary Sue (characters tend to get cliche when you give them too many special abilities, etc). I think you have a well-rounded first chapter here, but there are definitely a few ways that it could be improved.
First off, there are a few noticeable grammar errors in here (not many). Finding a beta might be a good move, just to have a sort of net to catch those little things.
If there's one thing that this story lacks, it's description - there are only a few paragraphs that go over two or three lines of text. Again, this is definitely not a boring story, but I think that adding some description of the characters, scenery, etc, would make the story more lifelike and help you to keep your readers grounded in each scene. I didn't feel like I got a great idea of all of your characters in this chapter - so, again, description could definitely be useful to round them out and make them more realistic.
I like the dialogue for all of your characters - it seems natural, and each character's dialogue is slightly unique, which helps with their characterization.
This is sort of off-topic, but I like the use of the name Cassandra, because it's not really crazy/odd, but it has a mythological background that makes sense for the character. Cheers. :)
Good start! Feel free to re-request if/when you get another chapter out!
FauxAuthor's Response: Hiya! And thank you!
I am so very worried that my OC will become Mary Sue! Sometimes, when I write something down for her, I read over it again, and I'm like, too Mary Sue! So yes - thank you for reminding me to be constantly vigilant!
*cringe* I hate grammar mistakes! So, I'll definitely be going back through and fixing them (I think I used the wrong 'here' or 'there' in one instance...).
Sigh. Description. Thank you. Now that I read over it again, you're completely right - no description at all, is there? I shall endeavour to improve!
And yay for Cassandra! I thought the name was rather fitting, especially considering how Ellie didn't believe her.
And thank you again! Report Review
Hello! from the Review Tag :D
Wow, OK, this is a great start! I see that you really are trying to build a story and weave in a certain amount of mystery and humour (and probably romance in future chapters). And the Founders are coming in too? Can't wait to see where this goes.
I think Ellie is a really interesting character. There's quite a lot of backstory of her character revealed in this chapter already: her ability to see dead people, her mother's death in a disease epidemic, her twin brother and his talent in music etc. I think you revealed all this information very skillfully; there were no info dumps and your story has quite a nice smooth flow. I would however love to know more about Ellie's 'gift'. So far it does't seem to be a major thing in this chapter; you've focused more on interactions between her and her friends (Rose and um...Albus). But as this is the first chapter I'm sure you have plenty of time and space to reveal more about her mysterious abilities! And speaking of Albus, is there a reason why she seems to dislike him so much? Is there a personal reason or is she hating on him just 'cause he's popular and all that? I hope you'll reveal more about the both of them soon :)
And I think you handled the fortuneteller scene quite nicely. Ellie seems to be very dismissive of Divination and predicting the future, which is rather strange given that she herself as abilities no one will probably believe, the gift of seeing ghosts of the past.
But anyway, I think your story is coming on very nicely! A very solid start. I can't wait to find out what happens, and how the plot will develop. Good luck with writing future chapters :)
-tehAuthor's Response: Hello!
Thank you so much! Thank goodness that plot building is already evident! And yes, mystery and humour abound. And yes, so does romance. And yes, Founders! Woot!
I'm glad to hear that the backstory was revealed well. I'm terrified of writing information dumps, so usually I skip out on backstory alltogether and then do intense backstory in like chapter 20! More stuff on Ellie's "gift" is coming. I'd like for it to be a big part of the story, as it's such a big part of her. But yeah, I really wanted to set up some foundations for relationships. I think they're very important in stories, and Ellie's relationships become more important as more of her character is revealed. And Albus... there relationship is tons of fun, that's all I'm saying!
You have an excellent point! I think it reveals something quite ugly about her.
And thanks again for the glowing review! Report Review
Hi, i'm here for your requested review!
Concerning you request about interest. I think this potentially could be a really different story. However, i'm really curious to know more about the people she sees and hope that you continue to explore the difference between her ghosts and the ones who choose their feeble interpretation of life (ghosts at Hogwarts for example, that is how Nearly Headless describes them). I think there is a line perhaps that could be drawn but I think you need to make it clear at some point because when people chose to be a ghosts in HP it is typically because they are afraid of death or they are strongly connected to the place they haunt (Mrytle). With that you can say that they are holding onto something like Mrytle was holding onto her death, her unfair treatment in life etc. I think it could work your way but i think you will need to make the line more distinct. (does this make an sense? feel free to PM me if you have questions because it's late and I'm jet legged so i'm not sure if i'm writing coherent sentences).
Sorry, I think I went on a bit of a rant there. Other points of interest with this is that there are mild hints of a more adventure type story. Not many but with the summary and with the abnormal gift I can only think that it will all mean something for later on. You also seem to have a grasp on your characters and show that in their actions. Rose's weird fascination with Divination (poor Hermione) and Ellie's sarcasm. I think this is a good base to start with.
I'm not against tired plot uses like the love/hate or hate/hate love dynamics and cliches which is probably what is going to happen in this story. They can still be done in effective ways but just be sure to make this one yours and not like everyone else's. What are the reasons they don't like each other? If she is so close to her twin then i'm sure in any normal situation she'd (or Albus for that matter) would have tried to get along with best friend of twin. It would take something for them to dislike each other. I'm interested to see their dynamics flesh out.
I think there is a bit of a problem with dialogue. Not that it isn't believable or anything but there are segments when it is just them talking without much description. A good balance between the two can make a story feel very rounded and description does make the reader feel the story and want to read the story more because they can see what is happening. I always imagine it as movie scenes in my head and try to describe my characters actions, emotions, and how others react to my characters. Things like that, it not only helps the reader imagine your world but it also helps characterize your characters and make them stronger and easier to relate to because each person has their own set of habits and quirks.
I do like your characters already, don't get me wrong and they were interesting to read about. Which is a great way to start a story. You want people to be invested in your characters lives and how they turn out. I think they could become very dynamic the more we learn about them so great job with that! Don't think the story is boring because I think it could turn into something, try and plan out the next few chapters out a little, see where you're planning on taking this story perhaps and maybe you can find your muse that way. Or take a break until it comes back (they always seem to disappear in the most annoying of times don't they?)
Thank you for requesting me, I hope you found this review helpful and that i answered your questions satisfactory.Author's Response: Sorry for the delayed response! I'm terrible at replying!
Yes, I most certainly want to continue exploring the concept of ghosts I've set up here. It's such a large part of Ellie's life, and seems like a plot device with quite a lot of potential (aka: I enjoy writing about it) that I wanna keep going with it!
I really, really, really wanna make this into an adventure story! I usually write fluff pieces with a lack of plot, but I really wanna write something with some plot backbone and action and adventure! I mean, all my favourite series at the moment are jammed-packed with action and it would be totally awesome if I could take this opportunity at trying something new and different! And thank you about Rose and Ellie - I wasn't sure if Ellie was just too sarcastic and Rose's weird thing with Divination just too weird (I agree - poor Hermione, indeed!)
And thank you on the advice about tired plot devices. I completely agree - the plot device that I'm using is so overdone that even I hate it sometimes, but I've always wanted to write one, because I find cliches fun, but I will definitely keep your points in mind - they are very good and very pertinent and very appreciated (and yes, Albus and Ellie's dynamics are... or will get interesting)!
Ah, dialogue! You're right, once again. I become a veritable Scrooge with description when I begin writing chunks of dialogue. I, too, see a movie in my head, and I usually forget that other people can't see what I see without me actually describing it to them!
And yay! You liked my characters! I agree, it's important that readers connect with your characters, otherwise the story can get very, very boring, very, very fast. And thank you for the writer's block advice! It's very helpful - I think I might just go do that, and see what happens!
I hope the jet lag wasn't too horrible and don't worry, your sentences were perfectly coherent! And your review was amazingly helpful! Thank you so much for spending your time on this! Report Review
Hey! I'm here with your requested review :)
Well, this sure does seem interesting! You've established the characters really well for only being the first chapter and I really like the relationships, especially between Ellie & Chris, Ellie & Rose and Albus & Chris!
About Ellie, I really like her :) She seems like a sweet girl and I really like her sense of humor; you can never get enough sarcasm! :P The dialogue between her and Rose & between her and the seer made me laugh. She obviously didn't believe in the woman and let it clearly show, which is a good preview to how her character will be later on.
The relationship she has with Albus is interesting! Since she is obviously super close with Chris, you'd think that she'd be close with Al, too! I wonder if there is an underlying reason why they "don't like each other"? I use quotations because obv. that's gonna change(; (PS Ellie is one of my all time favorite names! :P)
I thought the flow went really well throughout the chapter. It didn't seem like it was going too fast or too slow, and that can be sort of hard to do when you are writing a story where the characters aren't located at Hogwarts.
I feel like you've established a very good plot here and I can totally see it turning into a nice long story! I hope you get your muse back and that my review helped :)
When you get your other chapters out, make sure you come back and re-request! I'd really like to see how your story develops.
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Fasted. Request. Ever. (Wow!)
Yay! Interesting! Yay again! It's good to hear that some of their personalities shone through, especially their relationships. Those three relationships may just be the most important of all in the entire story!
And how I adore sarcasm. Ellie talks a lot like how I think, so it's nice that you enjoyed her character! I think it's really important that you like main characters in stories, otherwise they become difficult to read. And her reaction to Madame C is definitely a common way she reacts to things!
And yeah - the Ellie/Albus relationship gets interesting. And there might be a reason they don't like each other...
Glad about the flow! I opened with a flashback, so I was worried that the time jump might be a bit awkward!
Thank you so much! I hope I get my muse back soon as well!
And I'll definitely re-request!
PS: Ellie's one of my favourite names, too! Report Review
Hello there! It's Courtney, here for your requested review!
First of all: HOW CAN YOU THINK THIS STORY IS BORING??? I already love it and I've only read one chapter! So you'd better hurry up and get your muse back and then re-request because I am already dying to read more! This is exactly the sort of thing I love to read!
There is honestly nothing wrong with this first chapter, in my opinion. I love Ellie and her characterization, love Rose, love Albus, love their dad, love the fact that Ellie can see ghosts...gah! Need I say more? Yes, I will say more, because I always attempt to make my reviews insightful. Ahem.
I loved the way you started this chapter. It was all very mysterious and set up the mood perfectly. The first four lines, especially; 'You know your life ain’t normal when you can see dead people' was great and if you keep writing like that, you'll be gold in my books. I love the interaction between Ellie and her great-grandmother. It was mysterious and exciting and five year old Ellie was very cute. I loved the lines: '“What gift? I got a few today, but –”
“Not those gifts!” She’d said, laughing.'
It seemed exactly the thing a five year old would say, and the way an older family member would react. I am especially curious to learn more about Ellie's gift and what it has to do with this plot that I am hearing about...
I liked the scene in the kitchen with Ellie, Chris and Albus. All of their personalities shined through perfectly-you are doing a great job setting up their personalities. I really, really love Ellie's character-I honestly can't say that enough. Some of the lines she says are so funny and sarcastic and just spot on. And I already love the dynamics between her and Albus (the whole hate thing is a little cliche but I honestly don't care. I love a good love-hate relationship, I write and read them all the time!) The banter between Ellie and Albus was just so perfect. I felt myself smiling the whole way through it. I think one of my favourite lines was; ' “Are males physically incapable of getting a bloody glass?” I muttered in disgust.' Oh and, '“Potter! You can’t just barge into people’s homes like this!” I cried' and ' “Are you in the habit of drinking juice straight from the carton from other people’s fridges?” and...okay. I'm going to stop now before I come off sounding like a complete weirdo.
Rose also seems like a great character. I love that she seems to have gained some of Ron's characteristics and some of Hermione's traits which makes her a much more believable character-she seems very balanced. I think one of my favourite Rose/Ellie interactions was this: '“I’ll never understand your belief in all of this, Rose. I mean, you’re one of the smartest people I know, but how can you buy into all of this Divination crap?” I asked as scrutinised the spines of a shelf of books.
“You sound just like Mum, when you talk like that, you know,” Rose answered.'
Okay. I'm going to stop quoting now because otherwise I'll just end up quoting the whole bloody story.
I really liked Ellie's reaction to Madame Cassandra when she was reading her fortune. Her witty little comments to everything she said were just perfect! My favourite was (yes, I'm quoting again. I apologise profusely) '“Suffering…” With Albus Severus Potter in my life, of course there would be suffering.' Oh and the last line of this chapter...so perfect.
I honestly can't wait to read more so please, please get your muse back as soon as possible! I'm looking forward to reading what happens next!
Courtney:)Author's Response: Aww! I don't mind all the quoting! I'm so flattered that you want to quote me in the first place!
And I don't know how I thought the story was boring! I just lost inspiration for it, I guess. But I'm glad that you enjoyed it so much! And I shall definitely re-request, once I write the next chapter!
And you like Ellie? That's good. I find it really difficult to read a story where I don't like the main character, especially when I'm supposed to. And she's a definite piece of work! And yes - her "gift" proves useful!
Do you know how difficult it was to write that kitchen scene, so how much your wonderful words of praise mean? Well, they mean a lot. I was worried that the Ellie/Chris/Albus interaction would feel artificial, but it's such a relief to hear that it worked! Chris' personality definitely needs more work - which will happen!
And yes, the hate-at-first-sight thing is really cliche, but how I adore cliches! And it's good to hear that you smiled through it! That was the aim!
I think Rose is my favourite character at the moment. You're right, she's smart like Hermione, but she's so much like Ron too!
And if you liked Madame Cassandra - she comes back!
Thank you so much once again for your lovely review!
PS: I had a lot of fun with the "Suffering..." line. I think it's one of my favourites from this chapter (is it weird for authors to have favourite lines from their own work? Probs.)! Report Review
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