Hey :) I've finally got round to checking this out :) First all, excellent start, drew me in straight away and instantly made me want to read more. You're an wonderful writer with a lot of talent, I adore your style and your flow is natural, there isn't any problems with it. I really liked your take on Narcissa, she's a very neglected character, writing wise so I really enjoyed this. The emotions in this were perfect. You have great description and your word choice is perfect. In all, I loved this and I'll come back to read the next couple of chapters soon :)
- SexyDoorFramesAuthor's Response: Thanks Keely! I'm really pleased that you like it. I think that Narcissa does tend to get ignored by a lot of writers, but I think there are so many opportunities surrounding her.
Thanks for the review, and for the great comments- I really appreciate you reading this! Report Review
Family is always thick. I love that. I never thought of their relationship like that. I thought of it more as a have to, with being in the family.
I do have to say while reading these three chapters, you have changed a few of my ideas about what, and why and about the characters in general.
I think this is very well written, and I loved reading it.Author's Response: I imagine a mix of the two; I imagine a relationship that is a 'have to', but I think that they would have grown close. I think it's an interesting relationship :)
Changing your ideas of the characters is something that I'm so pleased I managed to do, so thanks for saying that!
Thanks for the review :) Report Review
So that is how she got there. Very interesting. I suppose having a sister killed would do something like that to you. I like it.
I usually think Narcissa as somebody who would rather not cause situations around her, and would rather not be seen. I like how you have Narcissa here, she is more than just a flat character, she is true.Author's Response: hey! sorry for taking so long!
I'm really glad you liked Narcissa in this, because I think that so many people don't think much about her character. I think there's so much to explore in her character! Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
I find that Narcissa is a character that I don't get to read a lot about. I think that you did a good job here. I am always wondering about a lot of things, and this seems to be one thing that I wonder.
I love how you wrote this. It has a feeling of sadness to it, and utter loss. I think that the emotions that I am feeling match greatly to what you were trying to get in you story :) Love this!Author's Response: Sorry for taking so long to respond! Thank you!
I'm really pleased that you enjoyed this, and am also pleased that you felt the emotions that I was trying to include!
Thanks again! Report Review
Ahh and there it is, the reasoning behind the kill. Again I LOVE the order that this one done in, I can't say it enough. I like the motive was the last thing to show.
So here's the Narcissa that I love. She was haunted by her sister's crimes. How awful of her to torture her sister's cat. Why is it that when people torture humans people are like, ok that sucks, but when animals are involved they are like HOW DARE YOU! lol, anyway, I really enjoyed this so far.
As a whole, there are only a couple of little itty bitty minor things through out it (a.k.a. Narcissa's pet cat, which she kept as a pet) but the grammar is good, the writing and word choice is good, and I Really think you did an excellent job of portraying the mental anguish of both the women. Also, for Narcissa, how the bonds of family and blood still remained the most important things, over her crimes. And how Molly could be portrayed as an arrogant war hero. I love it. The woman who killed Bellatrix. Nicely done, sir :)
LRAuthor's Response: I'm so pleased that you liked the way that it's structured. :)
No matter what she did, Bellatrix was her sister, and I think that in the pure-blood families especially, there was a lot of family loyalty. I wanted to explore how Narcissa loved Bellatrix, even though Bellatrix had done all of these evil things- such as the torture of the cat.
Thanks for pointing that out, obviously I wanted to stress the fact that the pet cat was a pet. :P I'll sort that out.
I'm really pleased you enjoyed this though! Thanks again! Report Review
Lol. Brave man, sir. Brave man. There are few that have killed Molly Weasley and lived to tell about it. Narcissa knows better than anyone now :)
I do have to admit though, I get in the rut of imagining certain characters my own way. It's gotten to the point where I have created my own canon where there are things that I just know that happened. This dragged me from my preconceived notions about her redeemable nature and smacked me right in the face. I think it's definitely easy to hate Narcissa in this chapter, because you didn't go really behind the motives of her kill. I mean, obviously Bella was her sister but you didn't really talk about her grief or whatever motive she might have had.
That's why the flow of this story is so brilliant. You make us feel sorry for her in the first chapter, and then in the second chapter you make us loathe her entirely, for who could ever, EVER forgive the slaying of Molly Weasley? I do love it though, because it's generally out of the box. It would make sense that Narcissa would want to avenge her sister, yet goes against the grain of what we saw in the last book. The woman that would spare the life of Harry Potter but kill Molly Weasley. I'm not sure which is worse :p
Also, One more quick note, I liked the beginning where you described how Molly Weasley looked out the window and "saw" Bellatrix. Good descriptions of a post traumatic thing. I think too many people have Rose tinged glasses on when it comes to the end of the war and getting back to their lives and the truth is that it could never be that easy. Being Harry Potter could never, ever be easy. And especially Molly Weasley, who has lost a son and watched her children taunted and tortured, she'd live with that for the rest of her life. So, I thought that was nicely done :)Author's Response: Haha, I laughed when I first read the start of this review :D
I don't know what to say... but I'll try my best anyway.
Molly is a character where I think everybody wants her to enjoy having all of her grandchildren around her. I do like those stories, but I wanted to explore something different here.
I'm really glad that this is testing how you see Narcissa in each chapter, because that was something that I really wanted to explore. I know that so far, this story may not fit with how people think about Narcissa in canon, but as you read more, hopefully I'll bridge the gap...
I really wanted to stress the fact that, to me, Molly could not just forget everything, because I don't think it would ever by that easy. She lost a son, as well as a lot of friends, and I think that when you add this to how she might feel after killing somebody, I don't think she would be able to just forget it.
Thanks again for the review, Ash! Report Review
Hi friend :)
I really liked this short little glimpse into Narcissa's brief life and subsequent death behind the walls of Azkaban prison. I find it intriguing that the dementors would have left a shadow of themselves behind even though they were no longer there. Of course I am instantly wondering why she is in Azkaban in the first place but I'm sure i'll find out in due time.
I also like the fact that you added in neglect by the prison guards. Of course by normal standards in other prisons that would be considered cruel and in humane but it's a touch better than dementors, no?
And as always, you use impeccable grammar here. Good word choice and description through out, It was as though I could feel the coldness of the walls of the castle around me. Brilliant job! :)Author's Response: ASH!
Thanks so much for the review! Sorry it's taken so long to respond too!
I'm really glad that you enjoyed this! And I'm glad that the dementors leaving a mark has been accepted and understood. The new guards may be terrible, but they're a lot better than the dementors.
Description is something I want to work on more perhaps, but I'm glad that you thought it worked here! Thanks for the review! Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread.
So I'm not gonna suger-coat this too much: You lost me with this one. Narcissa's memory of Bellatrix torturing her cat was spot-on perfect characterization. So easy to see Bella doing this and enjoying it. She's a scary, scary, warped individual. Then you have Narcissa waking from a nightmare where her sister is using the killing curse, and it still makes sense. And then you make The Leap.
I get that Bella was Narcissa's sister, and family, and flesh and blood, but you just finished setting up what a horrible person Bella was *in Narcissa's own mind*. To go from that directly into explaining that Narcissa was upset enough about losing Bella to kill Molly was a huge jump. I think you needed more of a transition. Perhaps throw in some happy memories from when Bella and Narcissa were young, before she became so twisted and evil. Maybe add something about how Bella tried to protect Draco from the Dark Lord's wrath and teach him how to navigate the treacherous waters of the Death Eaters. Just something to humanize her a bit and show that she meant more to Narcissa than the insane monster that we all remember from Deathly Hallows.
That's my take, at any rate. I don't want to sound like I'm trashing your whole idea, because I think it could be a good one. As a reader, I just need a little more help crossing that bridge. Does this make sense? Please, PM me if you have questions or if you think that I just don't get it.Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing.
The next chapter, which is about half written, will address a lot of what you spoke about here, although I'm sorry if I've lost you with this.
Thanks for the review. :) Report Review
Wow. That was so intense. You really do have a flare for capturing those darker moments and feelings. I feel like I now have more of an understanding of where Narcissa was at when she decided to murder Molly. It's so twisted though that despite all that cruelty, despite the pain that Bellatrix brought her, Narcissa still loved her. Though we were looking at this from Narcissa's POV, you were still able to make Bellatrix stand out as her own character with these peeks into the Black sisters' past.
xCharAuthor's Response: Thank you!
I'm really pleased that you liked it. Hopefully you'll be able to see more about why everything happens soon, but I'm really glad that you like it so far.
Thanks for the review, it was so kind! :) Report Review
Gosh, this just keeps getting better and better. You're making me feel grief for Bellatrix and I really don't want to do that (x
Everything is just so beautifully written. I think you handle all the emotions so well, and that's what makes this story so real.
I could just feel it, all Narcissa's anger towards her sister for all the things she has done, all the disbelief towards her evil actions and the love that would always bubble under the surface, no matter what she did.
The ending just made this perfect. How can it be justified for a person to kill another and be celebrated for that, when another one gets sentenced to prison for the same act? Because the other was for greater good?
Such a brilliant chapter once again. I just can't believe how you manage to fit so much thought into so few words. That's talent there (:
~EAuthor's Response: Thank you!
Wow, I'm glad that you think this is getting better! :) and grief for Bellatrix? That's interesting! :)
I'm actually lost for words right now, I just feel like there's no way I can respond to this, because you can't be talking to me? Surely not.
I really wanted to get that underlying love into this chapter, because I think that she could never stop loving her sister. Maybe I'll have time in other chapters to consolidate that :)
I agree, what is 'the greater good'? It's something which I think is a really grey area, and I wanted to question whether it was acceptable.
Thank you! You're too kind! :)
Scott :) Report Review
Heey! Just noticed that you'd updated this story (:
Wow! Did not expect that! After reading the last chapter I tried to picture all kinds of things Narcissa could have done to end up in Azkaban, somehow this didn't cross my mind!
I love the tension you've managed to build here! Kept me captivated through the whole chapter. It was just so distressing and enthralling. Your writing is just brilliant!
And your description! Wow, just wow.
I'll stop rambling now and read the next chapter!
~EAuthor's Response: THANK YOU!
*attacks keyboards in excitement* sdjkfseghfpBDIDBFSPE D]F
I don't know what to say!
I'm glad that you didn't see it coming, I was always worried about if I was giving too much away :P
Thank you! This has just made my day, especially from someone who is as talented as yourself :)
I'm really pleased that you liked the descriptions, that's always a worry for me...
THANKS AGAIN! :D you're awesome :) Report Review
Wow. This was gripping. So sad and so powerful. I loved your meditation on the meaning of evil and darkness at the beginning. It cast an appropriately menacing tone over the entire chapter.
Molly's feelings were very believable. It's impossible to believe that she could have survived the final battle and Fred's death without some serious emotional scars.
Then came Narcissa's section. I hope we get to explore her feelings more in forthcoming chapters. I always sensed a lot of ambivalence from her on the topic of her elder sister. She and Lucius were so frightened of Voldemort in Deathly Hallows and such reluctant hosts while Bellatrix was so devoted. It's interesting to imagine her being upset enough by her sister's death to kill over it.
I noticed one small typo in this chapter: "Within five minutes, Aurors was swarming the Burrow" - should be "were swarming" Otherwise, it was solid.
Another really good chapter!Author's Response: Thank you! :)
I'm really glad that you enjoyed it :)
I think Molly definitely struggled, and I'm glad that she appears very believable. :)
Narcissa? To me, I think that she could never hate her sibling, no matter how evil she was. I hope to convince you as this progresses. :)
Thanks for pointing out the typo, and thanks for the review! :) Report Review
Oh my God.
Good and bad are really not very easy to define. From the books, we get a very clear picture of who is on which side, but now... Because you're so right - Molly IS a murderer, she's taken a life and taken someone who was cared for, and she walks away without punishment. She's celebrated. It's so unjust. I mean, yeah Bellatrix was evil, but when the Death Eaters went around killing people nobody cared what the person they killed was like. Nobody is perfect, and I bet the people who got murdered had their faults but that's never used as a reason why the Death Eaters murdered them or used as an excuse. So why should Molly be any different?
Wow, now I'm feeling sorry for Narcissa again. Look what you're doing to me, I'm actually so confused. Of course she wanted revenge. But... it's Molly...
This is messing with my mind. Well done :P
Marina Report Review
There, visible for only a second, thanks to the crackle of lightning, was the silhouette of her killer.
Oh my! What? What? Whaatt? This is just so chilling and haunting and written so descriptively. I really feel like your descriptions and the way you handle a story has noticeably tightened up and improved with this story so far. You write horror/dark quite well m'dear.
I never would have thought that Narcissa had it in her. I'd be interested in seeing more of a back story, like what made Narcissa crack. In the books she was so fearful and cowardice that for her to now be such a BAMF...it's believable but would be cool to see the transition.
xCharAuthor's Response: THANK YOU! :)
I'm glad you liked that part, and I'm especially glad that you can see some improvement. :)
Narcissa? I always imagine her to have struggled a lot post-war, and I hope to reflect that slightly more as I write more. Hopefully then you'll see the transition. :)
Thanks again :) Report Review
Oh my gosh. You're so right, I do not feel sorry for Narcissa now. What a horrible woman! Yet again she's motivated by love for her family, though how she could still love Bellatrix I don't know. I hope that's something you'll explore later/earlier in your story.
This being told backwards brings a whole new aspect to story-telling. I was so ready to defend Narcissa in the last chapter but now... now I can't see how I could ever understand her or sympathise with her. She killed Molly! It was so sad and bittersweet to see the Weasley clock brought in at the end. If only Narcissa had looked... but then she would have escaped, maybe, or not killed Molly. So many what-ifs.
I cannot wait to see what surprise you have in store for us next. I can't tell where this is going to go but I'm so excited!
MarinaAuthor's Response: Thank you! :)
Not so sorry for Narcissa? That doesn't surprise me, although hopefully you'll begin to see some more of her motivations in later chapters.
I really like the concept of a backwards story, because it makes exploring motivations and emotions so much better.
I'm glad that your view on defending Narcissa has changed, because that was the main effect that I wanted to happen.
The Weasley clock was in before, and then I scrapped the bit with the clock, until I got to the end and it seemed to work better. :) I'm glad you liked that bit though, it was one of my favourite parts.
I hope you enjoy what's coming next, although I'm still working out where I want this to go.
Thanks again Marina! Report Review
You know I love your writing. if you haven't picked that by now, well I don't know, but I love your writing which is sometimes weird because you write things that make me sad, but have truth behind some of the words.
I really don't know what I love more the plot or the way you write things. I truly have no clue. You're brilliant, and I do mean that. This story is brilliant.
LizzieAuthor's Response: Thank you! You really are too kind! :)
I'm really glad you like it, even if it makes you sad. Although obviously I don't want you to be sad. :)
I think it's definitely the plot- :P You really have made my day with this! Thanks again! :) Report Review
#200, here goes! :D
This was just amazing. I love Narcissa's character, her complexity is just amazing, and I think you captured that very well.
I saw the 'back to front' challenge on the fourms, and I was completely lost at how someone would do this, but I think you pulled it off so wonderfully, good luck in the challenge!
The amount of emotion and detail you managed to put in the small amount of words here, is completely amazing. I really loved reading about how her thoughts drifted to Draco, alone. You really should be so proud of this, it was such a fantastic read! Thanks for the swap :)Author's Response: Thank you! :)
Review number 200, yeah! :)
I saw the challenge and HAD to enter it, and plan to write another. I really like this, but would like to write one slightly longer, with a more complex plot.
Thank you! I am really proud, it's an idea I've had for months so I'm glad to finally get around to it. :P
Thank you so much for this review, it's made me really happy! *goes to write* :) Report Review
Im really interested to see how this story plays out especially since its the backwards to forward thing! I thought this was a good beginning. Your description was great as well and I thought your last two paragraphs when describing death creeping up on her were both really good. There's not really a whole lot to go on since the chapter is short but again it was a wonderful chapter and has me wondering what revenge she took. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thanks! :)
I know it's short, but the next chapter has ended up slightly longer, and will hopefully reveal a bit more.
I'm glad that you enjoyed the description of death though, I always worry about my descriptions. :P
Thanks again :)
-accioHPFF Report Review
Hey Scott *waves*
I love this chapter (but hey, you know that already!)
The ghostly, melancholy atmosphere that's maintained throughout is really chilling and helps with the mood. I'm really intrigued about this because Narcissa is a character I respect, in a way. Because of how much she cared for her family (Draco in particular) I long to know more about what brought her to azkaban :D
I love the way you talked about the dementors leaving a mark because it is like that with most things, if somethings there long enough, it will make its mark and leave an 'imprint' of itself there.
Bex :DAuthor's Response: Thanks Bex! *waves*
I'm really glad you liked this, and thank you so much for the awesome banner :)
I think Narcissa is one of my favourite characters, so this was weird to write, but the story idea has been in my head for months, so I thought I really should write it.
Thanks for such a kind review! :) Report Review
Wow, this is a very powerful opening chapter. It's short, but the length fits what you have done so well. I love how you've set it up. The flow and description in this chapter are wonderful! I love how you've made a post-dementor Azkaban. I can see the dememtors effect lingering, long after they are gone. You have a great start to what is sure to be a great story!
~LilyAuthor's Response: Thank you! :D
I'm really pleased you liked it, and that the length wasn't an issue.
The Dementors leaving a mark are something that just seemed to work, so I ended up using that. :)
Thanks again! :D Report Review
Oooh, this was a really good chapter and a start for a new story! Amazing job!
I love it how you've managed to get so many thoughts and feelings in such a short chapter. It's really captivating, starting from the very first sentence. And it left me with so many questions! Why is she in Azkaban? Why does Draco resent her? I can't wait for the next chapter!
Your descriptions are just amazing. I could really feel and see everything because of your detailed sentences and your choice of words. All the rawness and the despair of the wizarding prison, even though the dementors weren't there anymore, that was just how I imagined it to be.
Hopefully your next chapter is ready because I want to see how this story continues (:Author's Response: Wow! Thank you! :)
I'm really glad that you liked it, even though it was short. I'm also very pleased that you're still questioning those things, because I did worry about making everything too obvious.
I don't know what to say! I'm just so glad that you liked it, and thanks again for taking for the time to review! :)
An update should be ready today or tomorrow- hopefully today :) Report Review
Oh, this was an amazing story!
I'd never pictured Narcissa as the one who would get into Azkaban- she always seemed to weak and kind for any sort of crime that would have her end up in there. This was exactly what I expected given her characterization; the prison breaks her- not only her spirit but her body as well.
I'm really curious about her crime... What could it be that made Draco resent her? And who did she take vengeance from?
What I've really liked here- other than the wonderful atmosphere you've managed to create- is the beginning: how Narcissa considers Lucius weak, because she doesn't really know what he's been through- and when she understands it's too late. It was a nice touch, and quite an original thought.
I've also liked the fact that, even though the Dementors were gone, they had left their mark on the prison. It makes sense, but very few authors think of it.
Overall, I really liked this- I'm looking forward to more:D
~ AngieAuthor's Response: THANK YOU! :D
I know what you mean, Narcissa doesn't seem like the kind of person to do anything that would land her in Azkaban. I guess it's circumstances after the War, but an update revealing more of the story should be up soon! :) I had to edit this to make it less revealing for now, sorry about that! :P
The start, where Narcissa considers Lucius weak is one of my favourite parts. I can't imagine her having the strength to endure it.
I don't know where the Dementors' imprint on Azkaban came from, but it just seems likely to happen, so I thought, 'why not?'
Thanks for such a kind review! :D Report Review
Hello Scott :)
Aww, this makes me sad. Not sure if that's the exact emotion you were going for, but I love Narcissa so much that I don't like to see her suffer.
But enough about me. Considering how short this story was, it was actually quite captivating, and I think that really exemplifies your talent as a writer. I'm not usually one for extremely dark stories such as this, so the fact that you were able to get to me with such few words really says something – trust me, it's hard to do. Despite the whole slowly-deteriorating thing, Narcissa still seemed relatively in-character; the brief mention of her concern about Draco was a really nice touch and further promotes the notion of maternal love, just like in the books.
I'm also quite impressed with the aura of mystery you've created here. You've given barely any insight as to why she's in Azkaban to begin with, so writing this in an end-to-beginning format (at least I think that's what you're doing?) is a very clever choice. Said format doesn't always work, but I think this is the kind of story it will suit quite nicely.
Overall, very well done! You've got a lot of talent! :)Author's Response: Hi! :) Thank you!
Usually I write about Narcissa when she's happier, so this was a contrast, but I thought it was too good an idea to give up!
Wow- thank you! I'm glad you thought so! It felt like her character like was impossible to get right here, so I'm glad it ended up good! Both her character and the deterioration took a lot of problem solving.
Yeah, it's a beck-to-front story, so you'll start to learn more as time goes on. Hopefully your view on Narcissa will change too! :)
Thanks again for such a great review! Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread.
And boy, am I glad I did. This was *really* well done. You engender a lot of genuine sympathy for Narcissa as her life wastes away in prison, but you give us only the barest hint of what it is she's done to end up there. It was tantalizing. It makes me want to read more. The sooner, the better! Seriously, hurry up!
I noticed one small typo: "Memories of the crime, the exactly moment..." - should be exact, I think.
Otherwise, this was beautifully written. The brutality of Azkaban, the calculated indifference to her decline, were characterized perfectly, I thought. Even after the dementors were removed and the new, "enlightened" government took over, nobody was going to shed many tears over a woman like Narcissa, especially if she committed the crime, whatever it was.
I'm not kidding, please update this soon! I'm dying to find out what happened.Author's Response: THANK YOU! :D
Wow- this review has just made me really happy. I know I NEVER update stories, but this is being written soon as it's for a challenge. So yeah, there will be more soon! :)
I don't know what to say! Thank you so much for such an awesome review! :D Report Review
Wow. I feel really bad for Narcissa now. All she did was trying and protect her family from harm and this happens to her? Poor woman.
Still, I thought this was a really chilling look at how Narcissa slowly went insane. This line particularly stuck out to me: "Narcissa felt there was nothing, nothing in the entire world, that would ever make her happy again." So so sad. Without any glimpse of hope, there was really no hope for her in Azkaban. Again, I feel so sad for her.
Great job :)
MarinaAuthor's Response: Hey Marina! Thanks for the review :)
Everyone feels so sorry for Narcissa, it's great. I can't wait to see people's reactions after the next chapter though- everyone may change their minds. :P
I'm really pleased that you liked it! :)
Scott Report Review
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