Wow. This was a very powerful and intense one-shot. This story definitely showcases how you don't need to write a 5,000 word story to make an impact. The entire story was dark and twisted which I love. You also added in a bit of mystery with the unnamed characters. Even without full names or previous knowledge of the characters, I still felt connected to both of them. I could just imagine what the victim must have been going through as she was being tortured and slowly losing her sense of self. Then you contrasted this character with an equally insane villain (though not at all innocent) who fed on her victim and gained joy from her pain.
The word choice and descriptions that you used were phenomenal. I loved all the little bits of pure emotion you put into your writing, such as the "look of chilling desperation" in the victim's eyes. It also was a great addition how you emphasized that the torturing came natural to the villain. The way you had the villain refer to her victim as prey was perfect. It really added to the animalistic quality the women seemed to have as she was committing the torture.
A couple of other word choices that I loved were the curse discharging and your description of the chilling quiet of the warehouse after the victim's mind had been emptied. You could feel the tension in the warehouse and the glee of how successfully the woman had completed her task.
I was not expecting her to blow up the body at all! Given how crazy you made the women though it makes sense because it's so outside of the box. This story is absolutely wonderful and I can't wait to read more of your work!
Alli Report Review
I really liked how you had the wand shaking from the power behind the spell, I think that is a nice touch to have to show just how dark and powerful the spell was that she was using.
This was quite a dark one shot and you wrote it very well, the descriptions were great and it was great to not have you naming the characters as it makes you think of who it might be? I must admit that I did think that it might be Bellatrix torturing Alice Longbottom, but the explosion of the house at the end made me think maybe otherwise.
This was quite dark and amazing that it was only a short amount of words as well. Fantastically done job on this one shot, really amazing!Author's Response: Hi!
To me, the wand would shake as though it is almost rejecting the darkness and evil from the curse. That's just my personal take on it though, I guess.
I know that many people draw a link between the characters and Bellatrix and Alice Longbottom, and while that was naturally in my head when I wrote this, I really didn't mean to identify them so strongly with the characters in the story.
Scott Report Review
I really like how you described the wand. It interesting but it makes so much sense with Bellatrix feeling the wand build up its power before releasing the magic. Bellatrix is so crazy and you showed it very well in this chapter. It was like jump into her mind for a little awhile. The process of the victim losing her mind was great how everything slipped from her mind. Your concept on the magical world it awesome to read from you description on the wands to the power of the curse was great!
Megthechef43 aka Meg Report Review
Hi Scott =)
Well, this was certainly a very...ruthless chapter, for lack of a better word. I loved how you wrote this with the action so prominent and tangible. The short length justified the events enough too.
The death eater greatly resembled Bellatrix, what with her cackling and all, though I can't wonder who her poor victim was. Nonetheless, the characters weren't important, the events were, and you wrote the brief action in a captivating way which I liked.
I would have liked to see a little more description though, if not of the characters then perhaps the curse and the surroundings, or the pain etc. For instance, it felt a little too quick to me. If you had shown the crucio inflicted on the victim multiple times (more times than you showed here) and each time described the effect and the situation, it would have been even better. I'd have also liked to maybe have a little more imagery in the end, especially of the fire.
Without that also though, it was pretty okay as it ended on a more mysterious note. It made for a quick, chilling read, and it seemed like a snippet from a larger story which was good. The grammar and all was fine too and it overall made for a nice read.
I enjoyed it! Good job! 8/10
(AditiDraco95) Report Review
Surprise! I'm your Secret Santa from HPPC!
First off, I just wanted to say that I LOVED this little one-shot. Some people don't like short, short stories because they don't last long enough, but in my opinion it really is a skill to be able to put so much into so little words. And you did it with so much grace. I love the way you've written this and the elegance you put into your descriptions and imagery.
I also really liked how you managed to get into the characters' minds even though, as you said, you weren't focusing on them as much as you were the action in the story. I picture these two women as complete, three dimensional women. The first thing that popped into my head when I started reading was that this sounds exactly like Bellatrix Lestrange and Alice Longbottom, and if you wanted them to be it would be believable. But it also works keeping them unidentified as well, because they really could be anyone.
I really liked your description of the female Death Eater's character and her craving for control. She knew actually what she was doing, exactly what would happen, and she was enjoying every second of it. When she's in control she's in her element. And I thought the description of her really brought depth to the story and it makes it more acceptable that she gives no reason for doing what she's done.
I also like the victim as well, but mainly I liked the imagery in her paragraph. My favorite sentence has to be "Happy memories flooded through her mind but left through a growing black hole, which sucked in anything that made her life her own." I love that, it truly is an amazing sentence. I like how she didn't just go insane without a second thought, she could feel it coming, and she could see her mind emptying and going black. It's a really poignant sentence, and a really thought-provoking description and it still blows my mind just thinking about what that's like.
And the ending was really amazing. I like how the Death Eater didn't just Avada Kedavra her. It was neat and different how she used some complicated spell, and fire, and the victim's own wand to kill her off.
This really was an amazing story and I really enjoyed reading it. I have to say I'm surprised I never read any of your stuff before, but I will be reading more after this!
-EnigmaticEyes16 (EE16 on HPPC) Report Review
Hey Hey Hey! It's Ruby the Reindeer here with your review this time. Yes, reindeers can write and talk. After what you've read in Harry Potter you are still surprised at insignificant events like this one? You are a sweet one, I can feel it. Sweet and naive :)
This story however is far from sweet. The event that unfolds here is worthy of a cruel Death Eater. A true Death Eater. Bellatrix perhaps. For the most part of the story I believed it was her as the executioner and Alice as the victim but the ending changed that. I still imagine it was Bellatrix because only she is capable of relishing the Cruciatus curse as much, but now I can only guess who the victim might have been. A witch of course, but whom?
In any case I loved the imagery of this brief one shot. As gruesome as it has been your choosing of words and expressions brought the scene alive and managed to convey what I think it was meant to convey: fear. Scenes like this and the ones that are written in the HP books make me happy that Bellatrix and all the other Death Eaters met their end. They were cruel and undeserving of forgiveness. Report Review
Dearest teh Scotteh,
I am here finally to review this one shot! (That I totally thought I had reviewed before and I cannot believe that I haven't.)
The first thing that I really want to talk about is your attention to description. It's absolutely fabulous, definitely some of you best work. It sets the scene perfectly, and you can visualize everything so well, exactly how the warehouse is situated, the fear of the woman.
It's one thing to read a story and say "oh, this person isn't doing well, this person is scared" but you've managed to make it so that you FEEL the terror as you read it, you feel the despair of this nameless woman who you really know nothing else about...except that she is scared and she is in pain.
Aside from the victim, you see how ruthless the torturer is. She shows no mercy, this nameless death eater. One of my very favorite sentences in this, is when the curse discharges across the room, and how it is “welcomed” with a horrific scream. I think that’s so brilliant because, to me, you can almost feel the glee of the woman in that short sentence, even though you don’t see said glee until the next sentence where she begins to smile.
One of the other things I really enjoy about this is the way that you describe the physiological and psychological effects of the curse. The way she starts to feel insanity creeping in, the way that she slowly gives up. And you describe how happy memories flood her mind but are then sucked into a “black hole.” It, as per usual, makes me think about what kind of physiologic damage occurs in the brain as a result of this curse, whether it be the magical power overwhelming the neurons or actual physical damage to the cellular structure of the neurons. Why am I so predictable?
I honestly found the ending to be a bit unsettling, with the match and blowing up the warehouse. It did wake up the inner validator in me for a second because I was like wait, what? But even though you describe the woman at peace, even though she was already tortured into insanity, it was still such a shocking thing for her to cover the woman and gas and blow up the warehouse. Part of me thinks, ah yes, a male wrote this didn’t he, big explosions and all that :) But I thought that it was really well done, I think it was meant to shock, to really show how much this woman is so unfeeling. It’s very easy to go Bellatrix here, even though the woman is unnamed. And I think that it really shows how insane some of the death eaters could be.
Over all I thought this is a fabulous piece of work, you’ve done a great job in so few words really pulling the reader in. Very well written, I really enjoyed reading it!!
Ashleh (see also: Da Retz) Report Review
Here with a review! =)
I really thought you did a great job just focusing on events and not the characters as much. It was truly a unique story and I loved how it added to the mystery. I think it really opens the door as to who you want your readers to picture in this story.
I thought that you did a great job describing the story. It really helped paint a vivid picture in my mind as I read along. I just have this insane creepy feeling now. Maybe it has to do with the warehouse effect.
Anyways...Keep up the awesome writing! =)
Recenseo 2012Author's Response: Hi!
Thanks for the kind review- I'm really glad that you liked this story. To me, the characters definitely weren't important, in terms of being able to be identified, so I'm glad that the open-end works well.
Thanks again for reviewing!
acciohpff Report Review
Boy, this was intense. I think the entire time, I was trying to imagine what was happening to the woman being tortured and it really got to me. I really wanted you to describe her suffering more, to give a few more sentences to her pain but I suppose that really wasn't the purpose of it. The main character was the Dark Witch and I think that you captured her emotions and her attitude very well. For a moment I thought it was Bellatrix but then, when she left I decided against it. Bella wouldn't ever leave her victim without watching them suffer. The character of this one was well defined, even in such less words. It was painful - as it should've been - but it was wonderfully written. Awesome work! =)
~Recenseo '12Author's Response: Thanks for stopping by to review!
This review... I can't describe how awesome it is :)
When I wrote this, I don't know if I was aiming to have the victim as the main focus, because I wanted to focus on the Dark Witch and what she was doing. I'm glad that you thought I did well to capture her attitude, thank you :)
Everybody tends to think that this is about Bellatrix, but I think she was just a template. I really like your take on Bellatrix and how she compares to this character though! I definitely agree with you there :)
Thanks again, so much! Report Review
I really enjoyed reading this. I felt such a sick sadistic pleasure come through your writing style, and I loved it. And the smile at the end made it for me, imagining those crimson lips curving upwards as a light from the fire spread, revealing a truely dark and demented character.Author's Response: Hi!
Thank you so much for reviewing! This review really made me smile :) I'm really glad that you liked it!
Wow... That is all what I can say! I never really thought to read something like this before but it was amazing the way you wrote it.
I instantly thought of Bellatrix during this as it seemed just so like her.
I hate the fact she gained joy from torturing someone and murdering them. It is truelly horrific to think that this would of happened so many times during the war. I know its only fiction the whole thing but it always reminds me of the war going on in the real world. And my brain thinks its real ;)
You did a really good job with this :D
~BlameItOnTheNarglesAuthor's Response: Thank you!
I mainly write Dark/Horror stories; I find it impossible to write Romance or Humour.
I think most people think of Bellatrix during this, and I'm glad, because it tells me that there is a Death Eater to some degree in the character.
Thanks again for the review! :) Report Review
Very good, very dark. You have a lovely writing style!Author's Response: Wow- thank you!
I don't know what to say, I'm glad you liked it! :) Report Review
I loved this, I'm an angst lover a lot of the time, where you focus on the real thing, and I just thought. Wow, this is a story that seems to know what it's talking about, just by the title.
So I had to read it, and I did, and I loved it. It wasn't very long which was a bit sad, but I loved what you've done, and I'm really happy you wrote it.
LizzieAuthor's Response: Thank you so much!
I love these types of stories too, so I'm really pleased that you liked my attempt.
Thanks again for the review, and hopefully the length of my writing is something that I'll be able to work on :) Report Review
Wow. This was so intense, I was actually a little scared. LOL.
Amazingly so! You did a really great job with this!
Sam.Author's Response: Thanks Sam.
I hope you liked it, even if it was a little intense. :P
Thanks again :) Report Review
I love how you've started this out. It's quite a powerful first paragraph. This description especially: The defenceless woman began to scramble backwards away from her, a look of chilling desperation trapped in her eyes. You've set the story with one woman composed and powerful and the other terrified.
There is one little part I would change though: theatrically begin to speak... - theatrically should be slowly or something otherwise it seems like you're making a mockery of this cruel and powerful person.
Because this woman, this unknown female Death Eater is scary. You've captured what I feel is the crux of Death Eaters, there's this insanity, this relish for pain and suffering.
Wow. This was so movie-worthy. I wish I could just watch it, watch this warehouse light up and the whole scene with the circle of fire. It's morbid but it's an amazing use of description and this was very chillingly well-written.
xCharAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! :)
I'm really glad you liked this, it took a lot of obsessive work, but I'm really happy with it; and glad that everyone likes it, obviously.
Wow, movie worthy? That is such a great compliment to me. Thanks again for such a great review! :) Report Review
So, the first thing I thought of - character wise - was Bellatrix and Alice (Longbottom). This is probably because I wrote about Alice getting tortured by Bella and it brought back memories. :)
This is a great piece! The description is just gorgeous, I am so jealous of this!
The little twist at the end with the exploding warehouse was great! It gives the location and makes the reader really sad for the tortured girl. It makes the Death Eater seem more insane than the tortured girl would be (see why I thought it could be Bellatrix?)
Anyway, I love this so so much!
Emma xxAuthor's Response: Thanks Emma! :) though there really is no need to be jealous, your writing really is excellent.
I'm really glad you liked the descriptions, that was a large part of writing this, mostly because the story is based around the descriptions. :P So I'm glad they worked, at least to some extent.
Thanks again! :) Report Review
Hey! Fellow Gryffie here, I want to give you a big thank you for all the work you did during December for Secret Santa. Thank you so much for all the hard work!
This was short and I actually don't normally read such short chapters. I always find that I want more (how selfish of me! how demanding!) because they tend to end at a point where plenty more can be said and should be said. You, however, were able to fit everything in such a small word count that didn't leave me begging for more.
Actually, since I'm such a wimp I was a bit scared while reading this and I shuddered when she shuddered and I even covered my eyes at one point (which was pointless because then how am I going to read the words?).
This was terrifying. I could hear the screams in my head, I actually had to read through this twice because the first time I started to get a bit scared and started scanning the words. The second time I read through it was much better. I guess because I knew what to expect.
It's interesting to see that you got this entire idea with just writing down 'unidentified female Death Eater. Unidentified female victim,' because it was really that powerful. I imagined Bellatrix momentarilly because the way you use 'The Dark Witch,' that kind of seems, to me, Bella's characterization. However, once I read it over and I realized that the witch couldn't be Bellatrix. She was far too...well, she seemed to nice (which makes no sense, I know). At first she seemed very powerful to me, strong and fearful but by the end, when she's smiling and then she disappears it seems to be that she wouldn't really last as a Death Eater. I'm thinking beyond this one-shot now.
The victim was a second thought to me as I read this over. I know she's supposed to be a main point but I was more focused on what was happening to her than her as an actual person. I think it's because of the words you used, 'empty, hollow' you made it so that she doesn't seem like she's really there which I think is great because she really becomes this shell of herself, she's defeated. We don't know it before hand she's a strong woman, we don't know the background to her life and her skill. We just know she's defeated and this is her end so is she really all that important? Well, we'll never know.Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for this review! :D
I'm glad you liked it, and I agree with what you said about longer chapters. I am always left wanting more, but never seem to pull it off very well. Never mind! I'm glad you thought the word count got everything included though! :)
Haha, maybe covering your eyes wasn't the best idea in the world, as it did hinder your ability to read on- just slightly.
I honestly don't know how I ended up with that. Probably hours of nit-picking whilst I wrote, and stuff like that. It took me ages to finally have this ready to upload.
That's really interesting, what you said about the character of the Death Eater. Everybody sees her as Bellatrix, but I totally get what you mean about the other side to her. I think it's great that you've thought about it like that, because now I can look back and see exactly how I wrote that.
The victim was a bit of a second-thought as I wrote it too. I guess by not adding any character to her, she is by default kind-of innocent, which just makes this even more brutal. But no, there really is nothing about her past or character in this, so I guess it's right to focus on the actions.
You'll never know. Well, I am thinking of writing a couple of stories similar to this for the Imperius and Cruciatus curses. So maybe I'll end up giving you a bit more information, provided I use the same template characters.
Thanks for such a great review! and the Secret Santa was my pleasure, honestly. I'm glad you enjoyed it (I hope you did, but judging by this, I think you did. Hopefully.). :) Report Review
Wow. o_O This was . . . violent. I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to violence. I'm glad I didn't start with it as I almost did, or I might have decided not to read the others. :P
Before I started reading, I was really interested to see how a one-shot would compare to your first chapters of WIPs, because there obviously is a significant difference between the first chapter of what's meant to be a longer story and the only chapter of a story that's meant to be . . . short.
Ok, moving a bit past the Captain Obvious stuff now. I really thought this story seemed more polished than the other two chapters I read. I don't know if it's because you've had it around longer and have had more time to edit and tweak it, or if it just feels that way because I know this is some snapshot in time, rather than a beginning to something larger. The point is, I thought this story had a more flowing sentence structure.
It's intriguing to write about characters without naming them or including much dialogue. I wrote a story like that myself once, although I did have a particular main character in mind, who I did name at the very end. It really does force you as a writer to focus on the setting and characters, rather than relying on the dialogue to drive the chapter. You seem pretty good at the description, so I don't know how it is for you, but I know I personally tend to lean on dialogue as a crutch when I get stuck.
I have my own ideas about who the "unidentified female Death Eater" might be, of course. I suppose that I'm not the first one to notice that she definitely bears a certain resemblance to Bellatrix Lestrange (movie Bellatrix, in particular).
My impression of your writing so far is that you are a strong descriptive writer. My vague advice for future writing, especially subsequent chapters in your WIPs, would be to make sure you include enough substance in your chapters to balance the descriptions. Keep polishing your skills--beta reading helps with this!--and you should grow more comfortable with it all.Author's Response: :O long review!
It is violent, very violent I guess.
This is definitely more polished, I agree. Mainly because I spent ages obsessing over it. Even then, I had to correct a good few mistakes with an edit. Hopefully that's all done now. :)
This was a personal challenge for me. No identifiable characters, and no dialogue. They are something that I knew I would hide behind, so I really tried to focus on description.
Of course the Death Eater has some very strong connections with Bellatrix. I think she has such an intriguing character, mimicking it was a fun exercise to do.
Thanks again for these reviews, and thank you for all of your feedback across the three chapters. You're just amazing, and this has made a brilliant end to the day! Report Review
Hi there! Review Tag!
I really like this oneshot. You describe everything really well, and everything is in vivid detail, so it's like we can't escape from the awfulness of what the Death Eater's doing, just like her victim can't. It's all very grisly and disturbing. Great job ;)Author's Response: Thank you!
I'm glad you like it, I will be writing similar things very soon. I think that I like to write Dark stories the most. :)
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
Awesome... I'd say this seems like Bellatrix... Maybe? Even though your AN is unidentified, it could work as Bellatrix don't you think?
I loved this! :D Angst is my favorite genre, and this was just... Awesome.
Happy Holidays from Slytherin House!Author's Response: Thank you!
I'm glad you enjoyed it - I LOVED writing this.
Now I've moved on to the other two curses, as well as my Founders' slightly dusty WIP.
Thanks again for reviewing, and Happy Holidays! Report Review
This was really powerful writing! It was short, yes, but I think that only added to the horror that I felt. I've a feeling that you wrote this with Bellatrix in mind, partially because she is the only female death-eater I remember, and partially because you truly depicted how mad, cruel and ruthless she is.
The way you described how the victim finally went mad, was so interesting and well-written. Especially this line- Happy memories flooded through her mind but left through a growing black hole, which sucked in anything that made her life her own. Loved it.
A few errors I spotted though-
though it was nothing compared to the bleak situation inside. Two women were inside;
You have used the word 'inside' twice in quick succession- it sounds very redundant.
Two women were inside; one was stood tall- 'One stood tall', right?
Anyway, I loved your writing- it has the perfect amount of description, the idea was great as well. Great work!
P.S.- Was this the one-shot you wanted to enter in my challenge? (unnamed) If so, it fits perfectly. :) If you'd like, I can add you to my list of takers. Please do let me know, though. :)
VanyaAuthor's Response: Thanks again for the review!
I guess it has to be Bellatrix really, the only other one that I remember is Alecto Carrow, and this doesn't fit her character that well.
Thank you! That sentence, it's funny because I remember how stuck I got on that paragraph! :P
Thank you for telling me the errors! I can go back and edit them soon. I didn't notice I'd used the word 'inside' twice, especially so close together.
Thanks again! I'm glad that you enjoyed reading it (I think?)!
+I've added a link in the challenge thread, I totally forgot that I hadn't posted in there! :) Report Review
The story was quite short, but very powerful. Your description was good :) And just...so heavy. I don't really know what to say other than that. That sums up my feeling on it. I don't know where to start...just great job!
~LilyAuthor's Response: Haha thank you! :)
I'm glad that you enjoyed it! I don't know what to say! I found writing that review hard enough, now I have to come and answer this! :P
Thank you! Report Review
For me, you achieved your goal pretty well; I could see it all unfold in my mind. It was intense, as such a scene should be, and had just enough details without being too gory.
I couldn't help but picture Bellatrix, even though you didn't name her, nor did you intend to.
No foreplay and no aftermath, but it worked as a glimpse of the cruelty the Death Eaters were willing to display. Well done!
Cheers, LeoAuthor's Response: Wow! Thank you!
I guess everyone imagines Bellatrix, but I only had two female Death Eater's to base her on (the other being Alecto Carrow) so I guess that is the impression that got built up.
I'm planning to write more stories centered around the Unforgivable Curses, so thanks for the feedback! :) Report Review
For something so short, this was pretty powerful. The whole scene played out in my mind with Bella Lestrange in the role of the torturer, which probably means I'm just not that creative. But it worked really well. The casual brutality of the whole thing was unsettling.
Your descriptiveness was good. It made the whole scene easy to envision.
Your writing is technically solid. No typos or grammatical errors, nothing repetitive, nothing sing-songy.
Well done!Author's Response: Thank you!
I also can see it as Bellatrix, but I intentionally didn't identify them. I'm glad that people can see that link because it means that I must have done a semi-decent job!
Thanks for the review, I will (hopefully) be writing the other two curses soon; your feedback will come in useful! :) Report Review
This is very chilling.
You're usage of diction is amazing and your imagery is very effective, especially in describing the setting in the first paragraph.
You wrote a very powerful fic in very few words. I'm impressed and it's perfect. Keep writing :DAuthor's Response: Thank you!
I'm glad that you liked it, I will hopefully have the other two curses written, in a similar style to this! :)
Thanks for reviewing! :) Report Review
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