Hi! Here for the swap and happy to be!
So, as you know, I'm not one for romance and, well, you are definitly one for it!! I do love the way you play with it and present the loving boyfriend and confused girlfriend.
I thought you did a great job at capturing the characters. Both were well done and very believable.
I really like how much descriptions there are in this chapter. The narrative flows so nicely and it feels like the scene has some sort of texture in it. Poor Ron thought, it's painfully obvious that him and Hermione don't see eye to eye about this relationship; he'll get hurt pretty bad won't he?
I really liked this and was happily surprised. I would never have read it willingly - not because I thought it looked bad but because when I see "romance" as the main genre, I instantly skip it. I definitly would have missed out because you are so much for to read and have an amazing talent at making the stories come alive. Great work!Author's Response: Hey
Thank you for your review from review tag and taking the time to read the story even though it isn't normally something you read! I just prefer to write it because it's what I'm good at!
I'm glad you thinkg I did well at capturing the characters and actually you are wrong, Ron won't get hurt badly, you should know by now that Ron has to be with Hermione no matter what the cost.
I'm really glad you liked this! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! I'm sorry about the horrific delay - I was on holiday and didn't really have time to fill requests. But I'm back now. :)
I'll get to your concerns (I promise), but I do tend to obsess about mechanics, and I want to mention a few things on that note first.
On the whole, I thought that your prose was good; you did a good job of describing what was going on without making it seem repetitive or boring. That can be very difficult to do - there are a lot of writers, even good writers, that really struggle with it. You, however, really varied the lengths of your sentences and the way they were structured, which made this an easy and enjoyable read.
Your descriptions were also one of your strongest points. You tended to be a little more creative in them, which usually worked well. Hermione looking in the mirror in the second paragraph and the window shooting open and letting the smells and sounds in in the third paragraph are great examples of this.
You also tended to make great choices about where you described things - I loved the fact that you mentioned the fact that the staircase was spiral when you were talking about Ron whistling, so that when Hermione started to make her way down them you didn't have to say it again, because it was already part of the visual. I also really liked the way you talked about her "forcing" the toast into the toaster - it really showed her irritation and pulled me into her emotions. There were a lot of other points like this, but I'm not going to name them all - those were just the two that stood out to me the most.
I know that these sorts of things are really minor, but for me, it's those minor things that really make a story stand out and show the author's skill.
I'm thinking back to the other requests I've filled for you, and it seems to me like your prose keeps improving between requests. That's really terrific, and I'm glad that you're growing as a writer. :)
All of that said, there are still little things that I think you need to polish to take your prose from good to great.
One problem I noticed was the way you formatted dialogue. It wasn't a huge issue here, because there wasn't a lot of dialogue in the chapter, but I can foresee it being a problem in other chapters where there is more dialogue. You sometimes didn't end the dialogue with punctuation, which you should always do, and there was one point where you treated something (she lifted her head) as a dialogue tag when it wasn't. There's a great article about dialogue in Grammar Guidelines if you need the refresher. :)
Another issue I saw was with your word choice. There were a few points where it just didn't make sense. In the second paragraph, for example, you used the word "evident" - "evident" means something more along the lines of "obvious," and it's typically not used like this. Along the same lines, the word "criteria" in the fourth paragraph was a bit off, too - "criteria" basically refers to standards you can judge something by, so it seemed off to me. There weren't a lot of these, but there were enough that it caught my attention, so I'd be careful about it in the future.
I also felt like sometimes, you went a bit overboard with your descriptions. As I said above, it generally worked well, but there were some points where it didn't. For example, I felt like there was too much going on in the last sentence of the first paragraph, especially since the wording implied everything was happening all at once. Similarly, her taking dainty steps down the stairs in the sixth felt a little out of place. You talked about her eating her toast daintily later on in the chapter, and that did work, because it was in contrast to Ron. However, when she's going down the stairs - well, who goes down their stairs to get to the kitchen in a dainty way when they've just woken up?
Does that make sense?
Again, it was overall very good - there were just some little things that I think you could improve to really make it excellent.
Characterisation was a bit of a mixed bag for me. There were some things that I thought you did really well, and others that I thought you struggled on. I do want to mention Ron briefly, but since you asked about Hermione and the chapter is mainly about her, I'll spend more time on her.
I felt like Hermione's actions were in keeping with her character, but her description sometimes wasn't. The tattoo didn't really seem like the trio to me - I'm not convinced that any of them would fe el the need to remind themselves of the war, or that "survivor" would really be how they'd think of themselves, you know? The tiny shirt also didn't really seem to fit the Hermione we knew in the books to me; I'm not saying that she should be wearing baggy shirts, but surely there's a middle ground. I thought that if your depiction of her sexuality had been a little less subtle and a little more overt in certain places, it would have felt more consistent with her characterisation in the books.
Her interaction with Ron, on the other hand, did work, and I quite liked it. I felt like you moved beyond what we saw in the books in a way that reasonably extrapolated how Hermione would have grown since the end of the war, which is something that I think a lot of people don't do. She's often either too similar to really be realistic or wildly out of character, and you really showed just the right amount of development considering the circumstances. In five years, she'd have to have changed some, and especially given that her relationship is clearly a little strained (or at least that was the implication to me, with them not having much time off), her impatience with Ron and how badly she reacts to the incident made perfect sense to me.
(I've run into the character limit - I'll PM you the rest.)Author's Response: It's fine about the wait for the review! I'm grateful you made time for it!
I shall go through the mechanics of this and will have a look through it and edit it!
I tried to vary my writing a lot because I tend to write in one style so it'a good to know my experimenting with this one worked a lot more than I thought it would do!
Some of the description I included was sort of necessary throughout this for later plot points (obviously not to do with the window but some of the further ones!) I'm glad you liked the description within this.
Thank you for pointing those out, I shall try and have more 'good' stand out description points in the future.
I'm glad you think my writing is improving! I;m hoping so as that is my main aim for writing on here!
My formatted dialogue at the moment is awful. This chapter hasn't actually been Beta'd yet so my dialogue tags will be fixed and I am getting a lot better at sorting them out! I'll remove the dialogue tags in a minute where I go and edit!
I knew about the certain words and I am half way through editing it! I look at some of the word choices and think 'omg I actually wrote that?' but then I go and change it.
I'll have a look at that! This was a chapter written very late at night so it hasn't gone through a beta (even though I thought I'd looked over it!)
The characterisation was something I really struggled with here because whilst I didn't want Hermione to lose her character I needed it to change drastically. In this story there will be flashbacks explaining little bits of this such as the tattoo. The 'survivor' does have a special reason and that will be shown when Hermione is thrown back in time to the marauders era! I also really do think she will have changed a lot over the time which is what I tried to show to some extent even though I did try to keep her having some characteristics.
I'm really glad you liked her interaction with Ron as I felt that was such an important part of the story. I really didn't want their relationship to become too samey or even very perfect. There need to be several imperfections within their relationship as her irritation with Ron needs to be shown for the rest of the story to work!
I'm glad you thought the characterisation of Ron. I love writing about him even when I'm writing him in a bit of a vile way. The not-proposal was just so funny! I took it from the way my best friends fiancee proposed to her the first time (he was in the dog house for a few weeks!). I shall have a look at going a little overboard on him though!
I'm glad you think it flows well but I'll look at making it smoother! I'm glad not immediately mentioning them didn't take anything away from the story.
I will certainly rerequest! Report Review
I thought your descriptions in the beginning were great. It was such a perfect way for Hermione to wake up - the smell of bacon, and then throwing open the window to have the wonderful smells of the outdoors as well. Everything just seems bright and cheery in the morning, and when she makes it down the stairs to Ron, it seems like they're happy and in love.
But then Ron acts like a pig and Hermione's mood turns on a dime. It's a bit jarring, I think, the way her thoughts turn towards her discontent. Though the way that Ron is so oblivious to Hermione's anger is very reminiscent of their Hogwarts-days. It's just like Hermione to run away too, to avoid confronting him.
I can't believe Ron just asked her if they should get married. That's the stupidest thing a boyfriend can do. Sometimes men are so clueless.
There were a couple of things that I'd like to make suggestions on:
to sit bolt upright - you have two verbs right after each other. I think it would be better to just say "bolt upright" which would imply that she's sitting up as well.
Also, When she felt like she’d fulfilled the criteria of cleaning herself - I don't know, but this sentence is just kind of weird, like 'fulfilled the criteria' is just awkward.
Otherwise, this is a great first chapter. I'm interested to see how the Marauders come into play and Hermione's interactions with them. She's obviously not happy with Ron so I can only imagine how that will affect how she responds to what I'm assuming will be one of the Marauders' affections.Author's Response: Hey :)
I'm glad you liked the description. I wanted to make the almost perfect scenario for her to wake up in! so you got the impression about her being completely in love with Ron.
I think it should be a little jarring though because of the two contrasts in the scees. I wanted there to be some comparisons to thier Hogwarts days though and Hermione is always the one to run from confrontation!
Ron did make me laugh. I had to rewrite the scene several times just to get it right!
I shall look over the chapter again and I'm glad you liked it. The marauders will come into play but most definitely not in the way you will imagine! Report Review
Hi! Review Tag!
I’m going to review this in my normal manner, which is a Running Review, meaning I comment as I’m reading along. As such, sometimes my first comment can go something like this (but don’t worry, I normally am nice and from what I recall of this story, you were writing it well):
Everything had been going crazy for the past few weeks in the Department of Inheritance with several cases of people who had only just been discovered to be dead in the aftermath of capturing the last remaining Death Eaters has been submitted. - this sentence is rather long and oddly put together.
Yeah, I can sympathize with Hermione here. I mean, who wants your boyfriend to just casually toss the comment in? That’s just such a let down. Oh wait, that’s what my husband did. :P But we’re doing wonderfully and he’s made up for it a hundred times over. So basically, I can get where Hermione is coming from. There are so many things that the guy should think of to make the moment perfect and you can never really take it back once you’ve done it wrong.
she just wanted him  have shown her a little more emotion, - I think we’re missing [to]
She remembered [to] the times when they’d first got together, - lol, this [to] shouldn’t be there :)
The amount of interviews and magazine deals they’d done they - in the first brackets add [With] and the second brackets add a comma [,] and the sentence will flow better.
LOL, on the angry memos :P One thing I am glad we don’t have in our muggle world.
Hermione’s conflict in exploring Bathilda’s belongings made me believe it. One point though, because you do well in dragging it out for the beginning part of the story, you should also drag it out right before Hermione opens the jewel box. The suspense is what draw the reader in, not necessarily the action, you know what I mean?
she found herself in an [unfamiliar place]. - Using “unfamiliar” and then her being able to say that it’s Dumbledore’s office doesn’t quite make sense. I get that she didn’t spend as much time there as Harry but perhaps we could make that flow differently?
You have a good eye for descriptions. Sometimes the way someone can put them together is too clinical but I don’t feel that here in how you’ve brought me along for the story. It’s also nice how you’ve gotten the story going in the second chapter now!
xCharAuthor's Response: Hey :) Thank you for the review.
I won't comment on every thing because you already know how invaluable your feedback is whilst I am editing!
I agree with the whole idea of wanting the whole aspect of it to be perfect! I would never have wanted my fiancee to propose to me like that. Actually if he had I would have probably refused!
The angry memos are what I love in this chapter! I'd hate to have a load of those chasing me around the place!
I shall try and drag the action out a little bit more! I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Here to review! ^_^
I love this, it's such a Ron thing to do, and I think you captured that perfectly. I could see the scene playing out in my minds eye and laughed at Hermione's sudden shift in mood, as it's so in keeping with canon.
I think you've done this brilliantly and I'm rather intrigued to see how this works to include James and Lily (I saw them marked as characters) and the Marauders Era (a particular favourite of mine :P).
All in all, fantastic charactrisation and just overall wonderful-ness.
Keep up the amazing work! ^_^
- Adele.Author's Response: Hey Adele! Thanks for the review!
I agree that it is a Ron's thing to do! I tried to get it just perfect so I rewrote the scene so many times! Hermione is horrible to write, why I got the plunny to write a whole novel about her I do not have a clue!
I'm glad you think this is good! And I'm glad you're intrigued to see how this works because actually it's quite clever even if I do say so myself!
Thank you for the review! Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
I really like the way you start off this chapter. All of the details are so tangible and earthy. It's easy to put yourself into Hermione's place and follow her through her morning routine. I loved all of the little details, especially the Survivor tattoo.
Everything starts off so wonderfully with Ron. They seem so taken with each other. The first hint that anything might be wrong comes when her thoughts on how to spend a proper morning as a couple are obviously centered a bit farther up the body than his.
Then it all comes off the rails. It was really jarring when Ron suddenly turns into a complete pig, which I suppose was how this was intended to be. The fact that he really doesn't pay much attention to what she wants made it obvious why she's so disaffected. Then comes his "non-proposal", which has to be the world's most cardinal blunder as a boyfriend. It feels like he's regressed a bit since the end of Deathly Hallows. But Hermione is not without fault here, either. She can't just come out and tell him what's bothering her, rather she runs away and hides in her work. The dynamic is very reminiscent of their school years.
I thought your writing was spot on in this chapter. No typos or grammar problems that I could find. There was one thing that read a little awkward: "Her grin grew wider as she made her dainty little steps down the staircase, her hand trailing down the bannister. Taking her final silent step down the staircase, she noticed the red-headed man next to the stove." You use the words "down the staircase" twice, very close together. You might want to mix the word choice up here.
This was a really nice start to something. I'm interested to see what this bit about time travel is going to be.Author's Response: Hey :) Thank you for tagging me!
I'm glad you like the little details and how I start it off. I really wanted to set the scene in this chapter just to really let people know what was going on and who the story was really about.
The Ron and Hermione relationship is a complex one and I love them both however they both have different things on the agenda obviously!
Ron does make me laugh. I just imagine him to be completely unresponsive to any of her hints and I still imagine him to have similar attributes to what he did when he was at Hogwarts particularly with eating.
His 'non-proposal' was the funniest thing to write within this as it is one of the worst things any guy could do. Hermione also has faults in this, I won't deny it but that's just the way she deals with things that upset her.
I'm glad you liked my writing and you should know by now that some of my writing can be a little awkward so thank you for pointing it out!
I'm glad you like it and I'm glad you're interested to see where I go with it! Report Review
This is incredibly interesting. I don't think I've read anything about Bathilda's death on HPFF yet. Certainly an interesting and different way to go about sending Hermione back in time.
The description is fantastic, it's the right amount to completely imagine the scene without getting dry, boring or over the top.
Adding to favorites, I can't wait to see what you come up with :)
Del<3Author's Response: Hey :)
Thank you so much for your review!
Bathila's death is very interesting to try and explore and what a perfect way to explore different avenues which have been virtually unexplored by fan-fiction by going through her items and finding something unknown and mysterious.
I'm glad you like the description and thank you for favouriting! I have the inspiration to go and write another chapter now! Report Review
Oh my! I really like this and can't wait to see what you do with is!! Please update soon!Author's Response: Hey :) Thankyou for my review!
I will update very very soon! Report Review
Hey there! Here from review tag :)
This is a cute idea for a story, and I like the introduction. You've got a lot of good description in there, especially the part about the bacon. I could almost smell it! I liked the ending to this chapter, too, because I think it would be just like Hermione to rush off to work when she's frustrated.
I'm not entirely sure about the characterization. I can sort of understand Hermione's frustration, but I do feel like she overreacted a little bit. I'm also not a big fan of the tattoo idea, though again, I can see where it might fit in here. Also, the flow is a little dodgy, mostly because you've got some fragmented sentences and passive tense sentences in there. These are things that a beta could potentially help you with.
Nice work! This is an interesting start to an intriguing plot.
academicaAuthor's Response: Hey, thank you for the review!
I'm glad you liked the introduction. I tried to make this as believable as possible and the description was all part of setting the scene. The ending came pretty naturally as most women try to hide the fact they are mad by rushing off so even though it was her day off, she'd want to get out of the house!
The characterization of Hermione will be explained as she goes through because she is just tired of her life with Ron at the moment. The romance is lacking and they are getting over the honeymoon stage which was mainly what was holding them together. As they're only 21, they're still discovering things about themselves so when Hermione has the day off and tries to be romantic and then he's just not, she is very annoyed with him. The tattoo is also very very important in the latter chapters and although it seems very un-hermioneish now, I think since the war she will have changed but she will also want a reminder of what she managed to overcome.
I am looking into getting a beta for this! Thanks again! Report Review
Here with your review swap! :) This was funny and lively, and even though I almost never read Hermione / time travel fics, I'm drawn in to see what happens. I laughed out loud at Ron's horrible little goatee with egg in it, what a hilarious, in-character and disgusting detail ;)
There are just a couple of punctuation glitches that I noticed and you might be able to easily fix; I typically have an easier time reading quotations with a double quotation mark like so. " That's just for my own personal reading comfort however and merely a suggestion :)
Cheers! I'll be back for more in the future!Author's Response: Hey :) Thanks for this review!
I'm glad you liked it and this time travel fic is definitely going to be one with a difference because there is going to be a lot of drama and Hermione isn't going to be one of these who fits in with the marauders, she will shy away from them all. I'm glad you liked the detail.
I shall have a look over this, thank you so much for this! Report Review
You're details are fantastic in this chapter! You capture the feel, look and smell of many things. I think details are hard to do, and I think you did them great.
For Hermione, I think there are a few things that are a bit off. I think that you have her emotions down very well, but some of her actions in the first half of the chapter just seem a little bit off to me. Not Hermione-ish. It might be me personally, but I don't get the feeling that she would skip, or things like that. It's not that big of a deal, but I think just some of her actions don't match her.
But you did her emotions great through the whole chapter, and towards the second half of the chapter I felt that Hermione's actions also matched well. I think that you did Ron great! He is all himself and I think you did wonderul!
Great chapter.Author's Response: Hey thank you for getting to my review so quickly!
I'm glad you liked how much description I put in. In a way I thought there was a little too much but I've had a lot of good feedback.
Hermione for me is a really difficult character to write and she doesn't come naturally at all. I tried to make it quite fluffy and whilst it was a little un-Hermione ish, I feel she will have changed quite a lot since the war as she finally gets a change to be happy.
I'm glad you thought the end of the chapter was better. I shall aim for that more often now! Report Review
Ah Ron, you're thick.
I loved your descriptions at the beginning because it really set the scene. You really took us step by step and kept it interesting but really just describing her getting up. I found that funny. I like that you had Hermione and her friends have the tattoo of "Survivor". That's interesting.
You got us all geared up for some romance and then Ron had to ruin it with his usual male-headedness. It's usual but also endearing but I can see how Hermione was annoyed. You totally described the natural action of a girlfriend: ignore it, pretend you're not mad while being mad that he isn't noticing. :)
xCharAuthor's Response: Bless Ron, he is just trying to do what he thinks will make Hermione happy, instead he ends up thoroughly upsetting her!
I tried to make it very descriptive and fluffy at the beginning to set the scene so I'm glad it kept it interesting. I tend to find because I have a synopsis of this whole story that it is a lot more descriptive and well thought out!
Although the tattoo is a little OOC for Hermione I also think that she would have wanted to remember what they went through when they were younger especially as it's a lasting reminder that they all had.
Ron is such a funny character to write especially because he is just so clumsy and doesn't understand how his actions are just unromantic! I do that action a lot with my boyfriend so I thought it would be more real if I included it so I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Looks like you're off to a good start, it had a nice and easy flow to it so far, the descirptions did a good job of capturing their moods and the scene, and i didn't notice any glaring spelling or grammar mistakes.
I had a hard time understanding why Hermione was acting the way she did. It really seemed like she was randomly mad at Ron for no reason at all and acting really irrationally. But then again, I'm a guy so I'll never understand these things haha.
Interesting beginning!Author's Response: Hey :)
Thank you for saying it has a nice easy flow! I tried to include as much description as I could within this frist chapter to try and set the scene.
Many women are irrational and her feelings will be explained throughout this. I am a completely irrational woman! Report Review
Very interesting start to the story, I am interested to see how you will write this. Post soon :D xAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review!
This story will be soon evolving! I will be updating very soon! Report Review
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