Actually I don't think this chapter sucked at all. I did think it was rather short and quick compared to the two previous chapters. Other than that this chapter was very nicely written. Report Review
Hello again. I hope you are doing well. This was another captivating chapter to an increasingly interesting story. I really loved the idea of the lily being the battle symbol for the fallen, it really seems fitting. You did another very good job with your use of descriptions which really made me feel like a part of the story. I could understand exactly how she was feeling. There were a few things I felt that I needed to point out. As with the first chapter I think it would be easier for the reader if you used ["] quotation marks for dialogue. Also I noticed two misspelled words: Authorised should be spelled authorized and artefacts should be spelled artifacts. I was also a little confused at the very end. You mention she landed in an unfamiliar place, but then mention she was in Dumbledore's office.. wouldn't that be a familiar place to her? Over all great chapter and I am looking forward to chapter three. Report Review
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year. I really like what you did with this chapter. The use of descriptions was really well done and helped me to really visualize what was going on in this chapter. The pacing was really well done and I though the flow was spot on. I also thought you did a really good job capturing the characters. I could see Ron doing just that and being so unromantic about a proposal. If I had been Hermione I would have reacted the same way about the whole situation. Over all great job and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Oh, before I forget.. I just wanted to point out that it might be easier for the reader to keep up with the dialogue if you used quotation marks instead of just [ ' ]. Report Review
Keep writing do it now Report Review
Please continue!! I think it will be interesting to see how the mauderers react to Hermione and who see falls for!!0Author's Response: I will definitely continue this! The chapter is currently being written and will be out soon! Report Review
Wow wow wow what an exciting chapter! I can't believe she actually went so far back! And to think she was a spy for Voldemort? HAH! I really hope they don't give her a hard time.
Great job with describing the scenarios and the feelings that accompanied it! Love love love! :)Author's Response: Hermione won't get too much of a hard time! Dumbledore isn't a complete fool so he'll realise soon enough that she is from the future afterall such a great wizard would surely know that magic can go wrong sometimes.
I'm really glad you liked this! Report Review
Awww, I don't want Hermione to be annoyed or Ron :( I honestly love this couple so so much.
I love how you describe the stress and anxiety Hermione is feeling. Reading through your story helped me relate to her by feeling the same way. Once again, great descriptions and detail. Keep it up!Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
I love this couple too but don't worry Hermione doesn't stay mad at Ron for too long!
Hermione is naturally anxious so I try to make this come through!
I hope you liked this! Report Review
HAHAHAHA! Ron is such a glutton! I love him though.
This is an amazing chapter. Very humorous and made me laugh. I love the detail and description that you used to portray your characters deeply.
Can't wait to read more! :)Author's Response: Haha thank you for the review! Ron is just brilliant isn't he! I think he's completely fabulous to write as I can make other characters quite annoyed with him when he is completely oblivious to what has happened and why they're upset with him!
I'm trying to use a lot of humour and drama in here to try and balance the whole idea of romance which will emerge later within this! Report Review
This is quite the interesting story!!!
In my opinion, this definitely would keep the reader's attention!!! Good Job for that! Now, focusing on the writing, your writing improves in every chapter!!! There were very few grammatical errors within all three chapters. The plot is very unique and, as i had previously mentioned, kept my interest. I loved the interaction amongst the characters and i think that also played a big part on the fluidity of the flow of the story. Furthermore, I think the amount of dialogue is proportionate to the amount of description within the chapters. I've seen some authors who put more dialogue than description that their chapters seem more like a script than a story. So good job!!!
I can't wait to read more of your works!!!
Happy Writing!! 10/10Author's Response: I'm glad you think it keeps the readers attention! I always worry my chapters won't be very interesting so its good to be told otherwise!
The plot to this is possibly one of my favourites throughout this mainly because it is so different to anything I have ever read before and I like the fact that it seems to have captured so much attention from people.
Grammar is something im really hot on in this story so I'm really trying to keep it that way as I know it can be distraction.
Interaction between characters is very important for me so I'm trying to get some of the relationships and the rapport coming through in this quite early!
I'm glad you like it! Report Review
Wow! A young McGonagall, I never would have imagined such a thing ;)
-I like how McGonagall is still stict, that fits in nicely.
-This chapter is just as good as the others- its interesting and the time travel is fun to read!
Keep up the good work 10/10 :)Author's Response: Haha a young McGonagall whilst unbelievable could actually happen!
I'm glad you like time travel although this won't be a typical time travel! I'm glad you like it though! Report Review
Interesting- I wonder what will happen in Dumbledore’s office?!
-The characters are again perfectly potrayed, I like the idea of Hermione going into work even on her day off- it seems very her.
Another good chapter, couldn't see any spelling or grammar issues 10/10 :)Author's Response: Hey thanks again for the review!
I love writing this story because there is so much which happens in it and I like the fact that each chapter brings something new! You will see what happens in Dumbledore's office soon enough :D
Hermione just loves her work! What can I say!
I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
A good first chapter- its intriguing.
-The characters are good, I can definitely see Ron making breakfast for himself and only himself ;P
It's a good chapter, I really like the descriptions! 9/10Author's Response: Hey thank you for the review! I'm glad you find it intriguing! I like to keep my cards well and truly covered until the information needs to come out!
Ron is just one of my favourite characters. I love him so much because I can just make him seem so oblivious to everything!
Summer! Hello! It's Deeds here with your requested review! Let's get started!
I tend to do a running review and then tie everything up in the end, I hope that's alright with you. You wanted a general review and to know if Hermione is OOC and if her reaction was warranted.
The smell of bacon wafted up the stairs as a brown haired bundle shifted beneath the duvet, thrown untidily on the bed. The smell intensified filtering through the cracks underneath the door, filling the room, causing the inhabitant of the bed to sit bolt upright. She furrowed her brow at the empty space next to her, stroking the outline indented in the mattress, as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
Perfect way to start the first chapter! I want bacon so badly right now and I don't even eat bacon. My mouth is watering like I haven't eaten in ages. Great job on description and great job on working on utilizing our senses as well.
She removed her hands from the table in an attempt to let him place food on her plate as she assumed he was going to do however he bent down for a kiss before taking the whole of his food to the place at the opposite end of the table.
^ Uh. Men. So annoying. Some of them are just so clueless like Ron here. I'll comment more on that in a second but when I read that part my heart dropped in my chest. Serve your girlfriend breakfast Ron! Come on!
On the one day that they'd both had off for the past six months she'd thought that he could have maybe shown a little more consideration but obviously she was mistaken.
I understand why she's mad and it is completely logical and realistic. In reality the littlest things can set us off in relationships because sometimes we think our partner is going to do one thing and they do another and we can't help but feel a little put off. Especially if they haven't had a day off together for such a long time, I would react similarly to Hermione.
Hermione, do you think we should get married?
^ *head meet desk*
So, you were worried about Hermione being OOC and if her reaction was warranted. I think it was but you might just want to add a little bit more explanation because I'm kind of left wondering if this is how Ron acts al the time. What kind of relationship they have. Are they happy? Is she happy? Because she rushes off rather quickly and I can't really gauge how mad she is compared to say 'other' times with her response. I can't say if she's OOC. Nothing screamed OOC to me because her reaction was believable and so were her actions.
I really can't critique this too much Summer! You're making requested reviews too easy. I enjoyed the chapter because it still left some mystery to it. What happens when Hermione goes back in time? What happens when she comes back? We don't even get to that yet so right now we just find out the conflict that leads her to rush off from home and would essentially lead her back 40 years. Sounds like an interesting story to read.
I guess the only critique I can give you is to explain the relationship between Ron and Hermione a little bit more, give us more info on the two.
Thanks so much for requesting! If you have any questions/concerns feel free to PM me.
- DeedsAuthor's Response: Hey thank you so much for the review! Its a rather long one but I love that because it shows how much time you spent on it *Much love!*
The first paragraph is always the hardest to write in my opinion as you have to entice people in... and what better way to entice them than with bacon?!? Who doesn't love bacon anyway? I must admit I rewrote that about 3 times so I'm glad it came out well because it took so much time.
Ron is just the funniest/stupidest/cutest/most oblivious guy ever! I love him so much and I really did want to show in this that whilst he does some things which are really annoying and not really very considerate he's not a bad person, he's a lovely person who just doesn't realise he has the 'emotional range of a teaspoon' (from JKR)
Hermione is very... difficult to write. I don't really want to reveal all the details of their relationship right now which may seem like she rushes off with a little less explanation than was really needed but it will all come out. Ron does do things which annoy Hermione a lot but she puts up with it because of their love however this time it was the final straw for Hermione especially because it was her day off .
Thank you for the compliments but some critique is always good! This was more of an introduction chapter so stay tuned to see where this is going to go :) Report Review
Oh, Dumbledore's office? What? Guess I'll find out why in the next chapter;). I liked Hermione a whole lot more in this chapter, when she went through the proposal in her head I realised it was a bit insensitive. Even if I don't want to believe it because I love Ron so much *sigh*. Haha, as always your writing was beautiful and all the sentences were flowish. I like the contrast of long and short sentences, especially at the end of chapters. The Bathila Bagshot thing was a nice twist, I like how Hermione gets to look through her things when she has so much history with her. :DAuthor's Response: Haha Dumbledore's office indeed! I'm glad you liked her more. I am trying to keep her as much to canon as possible but as every fanfiction writer knows she is extremely hard to keep in canon!
Ron isn't the bad guy in this, just a little insensitive maybe but definitely not bad!I'm glad you like the way my writing is flowish and I mix the sentences around. This was really my little 'experiment' so I like that it works.
I used Bathilda Bagshot to try and get rid of some of the cliches associated with time travel so I'm glad you liked the twist :)
Thank you for the review Report Review
Oo er. Someone's moody! :D I really liked the first bit of this chapter, it was so descriptive and lovely, and Ron and Hermione were being so cute and in love! But then something snapped and she hated him? I don't really understand why, because he didn't make her breakfast. That is quite selfish of him but I think she would've told him so, not suddenly start hating him. Then again, the goatee and the egg in his mouth made me want to throw up :S. Also, I thought the idea that they all have tattoos is really sweet. :D This is really good writing and it flows well, I liked the way you ended it, with Ron calling after her :)Author's Response: Hey :)
Hermione is a little bit moody in this because it's their first day off in a very long time together and she had expected him to behave a little more gentlemanly by at least offering her breakfast ect. And they are cute and in love but Hermione is seriously considering their relationship especially after the botched proposal.
I'm glad you like the description in this and think that the writing flows well!
Thank you for the review Report Review
Thank you for writing this. I am simply amazed. It is perfect in grammar, spelling, flow, and plot. I can't wait to continue reading.
AJPotterAuthor's Response: Hey! I have to thank you for reading my writing! I'm glad you like it! Report Review
Amazing, I will write more on the next chapter.
AJPotterAuthor's Response: Hey thank you for the review...
I shall reoly more on your next one! Report Review
Hey doll, anonymous here:d
I love you style, it was...fascinating? I don't know...the way you wrote this ensured I couldn't walk away mid chapter, even if I wanted to.
I think the flow was really, really well and the way you phrased your sentences were strong, and flowy(?)if that makes any sense!
I was so surprised with Ronald's little stunt there, but I wasn't surprised by his...proposal, I suppose.
I don't know how he could justify that...maybe he thought Hermione wasn't one for grandness? I don't know, but I hope to find out!
AnonymousAuthor's Response: Hey :) Thank you for the review!
I'm glad you like my style and I hoped you wouldnt have wanted to run away mid chapter! This story is sort of my baby at the moment and I really love writing it!
I liked that you liked the way I phrased my sentences! I find that sometimes they end up awkwardly phrased so I'm glad you liked it.
Ron makes me laugh. He's not a bad character but just a little bit oblivious! Hes sweet! I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
A very good chapter indeed! Your detail and inner feelings of Hermione are very good in this chapter! There were a few grammar/spelling mistakes, but nothing one read over shouldn't catch. I really liked the cliff scene and the Ministry break. However, I don't really see it being possible that Hermione would be the head of a department she just moved to when there are many more older people there good for the job. Also, wouldn't Bathilda's things have been looked through by now? It seems like a lot of years to go by before anything is done about her things (especially with how important she is in the wizarding community). Though I can't wait to find out what exactly is going on with that not so seemingly safe box lol. Why is she in Dumbledore's office? (assuming she is brought to the past as she would have called it Mcgonagall's office). Anyway, my absolute favorite part was when you described what everyone did in the ministry, and definitely everything that was going on inside! The imagery was wonderful and the memos even frustrated me! :)
I give this chapter a 10/10!
By the way, due to the high demand on my review thread, I am asking that if you want your future chapters reviewed, you come and re-submit. I love the story so I will definitely continue reading, but I may not get back to it until you have the next several chapters up otherwise. It would be best just to re-submit so you get the reviews you definitely want/need/deserve, and this stays on the top of my priority list. I wouldn't make you do it if I wasn't so swamped with stories right now. Love the story, and I will definitely continue to read when I have the time!Author's Response: Hey :D Thank you for the review!
I'm glad you think the detail and inner feelings with Hermione were good! She is an extremely hard character to write. I'll have a look over the spelling mistakes.
The point about Hermione being head of department will be explained all in good time throughout this! Although I will say its to do with Kingsley and them being offered high positions within the ministry.
I think Bathilda's things may have been looked at before but it just works well for the story and avoids a lot of the cliche in tiime travel! I'm glad you liked the imagery and the memos really made me laugh!
I'm glad you like this and I will be sure to rerequest! Report Review
Wow, you are very good at showing and not telling. I salute you. It is sort of a slow beginning to the story but that's not a bad thing since it eases you in. Though it does sort of end kind of abruptly after Ron asks whether getting married is a good idea. Still its a good beginning and I love Ron/Hermione. :DAuthor's Response: Hey :) Thank you for the review.
I'm glad you think I did well at showing not telling and thank you for that! It sort of does end abruptly because of the not-proposal and that's how I really did want it :)
I'm glad you like this Ron and Hermione! I don't tend to write them very often Report Review
Plot line: I first off would love to comment on how it is five years after the battle and they are still boyfriend and girlfriend. I was never one to think they would get married right away, as other stories say they do, so I loved this. Just with this first chapter I can see how adorable this is going to be and I can't wait to continue reading more about it. I didn't get lost at all, even though it is short.
I loved Ron. The food bit fit him wonderfully, and though I think Hermione may have got a little too upset with him about it, it was still very like her. Like in Hogwarts, when she wanted his attention she was mad, and now, with the idea of marriage interesting her and angering her at the same time, I would say she acted on old impulse. I never thought of them getting tattoos, though, but the idea was really good and I loved the small detail.
Spelling and grammar:
Everything actually seemed fine to me. I don't think I caught anything with this read through. :)
General liking of the story:
I really liked this chapter. Your detail is amazing, and the little things, like the shower, tattoos, breakfast, and Ron's facial expressions made it very enjoyable and I loved it. I am eager to start the other chapters! :) 10/10!Author's Response: Hey :D Thank you for the review.
I much prefer it when they aren't married because it gives more substance to the relationship and I think that Hermione would have wanted to wait a little longer to get married. This story will hopefully be adorable.
Hermione in this story is going to be very dramatic so that's why she got quite upset with him. There's a lot of reasons why things happen at the beginning but I did try not to make Ron out as the bad guy because he's not. He's just a little oblivious!
I'm glad you liked this chapter and all oif the little details
Wow, so much description and I loved every bit of it. You really managed to make this story come to life with all that, I could so easily picture everything in front of me! Just beautiful.
I really liked your characters, I think you did a good job on both Hermione and Ron. Loved the awkward proposal and the fact that you haven't made Ron the bad guy even though they seem to possibly break up. I always hate when writers do that.
All in all great chapter. Everything flowed and was good in every single way. Can't wait to read more (:
~EleniaAuthor's Response: Hey :D Thank you for the review!
I'm glad you loved all the description of it! I really did try to make the scene come alive with the descriptions of the senses/
I'm glad you liked the characters I loved writing them both and loved the way that Ron was awkward and he wasn;t the bad guy! I hate stories where he's the bad guy because he's not, not really just a little bit naieve and oblivious!
Oh, Hermione, what have you gotten yourself into? :P
This is really interesting. I can't wait for the next chapter. :)
Sam.Author's Response: Hey thank you for the review!
I agree with that about Hermione. We shall see how she is afterwards!
I will update soon! Report Review
Oh, Ron! There are no words to properly describe just how silly he was with that... first the breakfast, then the terrible proposal... Silly will have to do. :P
Great start. I cannot wait to see where you take this. :)Author's Response: Hey :D Thank you for the review
And I do agree with how silly Ron was but he's so cute! I'll update soon! Report Review
Wow my terrible idea has been transformed into an amazing start! It is a very promising beginning as you can tell Hermione is already so uncertain of her future regarding Ron's hasty proposal. It seems rushed and maybe if Ron had taken the time to do it properly then maybe a different reaction or at least a more thought out one would have occured. Though it is good that you haven't made Ron out to be the bad guy or anything like that, he's just confused like Hermione is and in that respect I think you captured their characterisation spot on. I think the survivor tattoo was a nice touch, it reminded us what they've done and how it can change they're lives.
I can't wait to see what you've done next and I'll be reviewing the next chapter soon. BTW let me know how future chapters are going and if you need any help PM me or whatever :)
Bex (10/10 btw!)Author's Response: Hey Becca
This was your idea so I'm glad you like it a lot and that it's a promising beginning. I know you already know what the plot is so I'm glad you still noticed a lot of this!
I really don't want Ron to be the bad guy, he's not bad really, hes just a little bit naieve as to her reactions and what she wants. The tattoo 'survivor' has recieved a lot of critisism but I really like it!
I'm glad you want to review further chapters! Report Review
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