Forgive me - i'm aware this has taken a while to get around to. Anyway, reviewing time (that's what your after anyway, isn't it? :P)
First up, grammar -
(Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines -> Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Dialogue.) There are loads of helpful articles in the Writers Resources, but the dialogue one will help with the errors in this the most. Check it out ^_^
Other than that, this was really good. I'm loving Tonks (seriously, she's fantastic in this. Really how I imagine her) and so is everyone else. Dumbledore's dialogue was a bit OOC, but he's a nightmare to write, so I wouldn't worry to much about it.
Your pacing and flow were good, and you handled the flashbacks well. One thing i've noticed, is that you tend to favour words a lot. Like 'report' was used twice within two lines (there were a few other offenders as well, but this was an easy example). It interrupts the flow, but can easily be fixed with a thesaurus.
Honestly, I really liked this and LOVE your banner. I felt the need to mention it, it's beautiful.
Hope you re-request as I'm interested to see where this is headed! Keep up the good work, and I hope i've been somewhat useful,
- Adele :)Author's Response: Meh - don't even worry about it! I know what its like when RL invades :P
Thank you for telling me about the WR - I'm going to skip over there after school today! So cheers for that :)
Yey for Tonks :P She's such a fun character to write! Dumbledore didn't feel right for me in this chapter either - I know where you're coming from completely! I'll alter his speech as soon as I have time :)
Hmm, thanks for pointing that out - hadn't noticed. I'll go back over it soon :)
Thank you so much for the review! Keira :D
P.S. I completely agree about the banner - I'll pass the message on :D Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your review request! :)
I have to say, I really liked your summary and your idea for this story. It's a nice way to sort of throw Remus and Tonks together; so I think you did really well for your first official 'ship'.
Your depiction of the Order meeting was exactly how I imagined it would be. I really like how you in-character everyone seemed to be--Dumbledore with his wise intellignece, Snape with his sneering superiority, Kingsley with his amusement and Moddy with his over-protectiveness... you pulled them all off really well.
I also liked the amount of insight you added. This line (What could possibly keep a man so focussed and determined to fight for a society that would prefer it if he was dead?), in particular, gave me a lot to think about, and would be interesting to read as the story progresses.
The bit about the Tonks's stalker was pretty funny but seemed a bit childish--I don't see why the older adults would particularly care, but your call. It does provide some amusement in the serious matters, though.
I'm really curious to read more about your Tonks and Remus (seperately, as well as together) since you have them really well characterized.
I found a few grammar mistakes/errors in this, but they were pretty minor. I suggest a quick edit to scan for mistakes. :)
Overall, it was a great story. I am looking forward to your next review request! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thank you :)
Yey - the summary! For some odd reason I found it especially difficult for this story! :P
The Order Meeting. Thanks! :D With Vincent, I just felt that it offered them something to smile about. As they are at war and admidst all the deaths everyone is looking for something to smile at. Hence Vincent :)
I'll do another scan through for any mistakes. Thank you so much for the review :)
I thought I added this to my favorites, but I guess not. I will now! I really like this so far! I really like all the detail you put into Tonks' co workers, great job :)
Moody's protective side is really sweet, as well as Remus'. I'm really excided to read more of this, it seems like it's going to be something really different :)
one question: with the Freezing charm, basically wat Dumbledore meant was she's going to alter her appearence so she looks like Remus attacked her, and then Dumbeldore'll freeze her like that?
brilliant chapter, can't wait for more!Author's Response: Hello :)
Oh! Thank you so much :D I'm glad the relationships are coming across well!
The Freezing Charm: Is hard to explain! :P Basically, she will transform into someone normal looking (I.e. without violet eyes and green hair) and she will be frozen to look like this person. This means that no matter her emotion, her appearance will remain the same. However, she will still be able to make herself look paler, add scars/tatoos etc - You get the idea :P
Basically, she can transform as much as she wants whilst remaining in the same 'mould'.
Thanks so much for the nice review :) Report Review
Hi, hi. Here with your requested review (sorry it took me so long. RL decided to stop by, uninvited...)
Alrighty, first off, your grammar and stuff is pretty good, but there were one or two places you used a comma where I felt a full stop would have been better and vice-versa (particularly with your dialogue tags (this was a particular issue I found, although the rest of your story was generally okay. Check out Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines -> then go crazy. All the topics are really, really helpful.)) I'm not going to pull examples, but if you're looking for specifics, send me a PM and i'll run through it with you if you want. :)
Anyway, other/more fun stuff!
Characterisation - This was good. I liked the way you depicted Tonks and Moody particularly. I'm interested to see how she evolves as a character throughout the story as she has had some great foundations for her character set up in this chapter. Well done.
Dialogue - This was both good and bad. Bad in the sense that I found a few of the sentences forced/OOC. A good idea is to work out what they would say/how they'd express it, but then say it out loud after you've written it. Do the words flow off your tongue like they do if you were talking in conversation? Because that's what the characters are supposed to be doing, so it should work the same for them - Eg. 'She's a scared nine year old girl, whose family has been murdered before her.' This does't flow easily as there are excessive words you wouldn't use in natural speech. Something like: 'She's a scared nine year old girl, whose family was just murdered.' Practically the same, but flows better. Food for thought :)
Pacing and Flow - This was really good. Seriously, well done on this one. Particularly for your first ship, this was really good. You didn't spend excessive lengths talking about how she was mad about Remus etc, but just enough to keep the tension there ;)
Overall, a wonderful start to your first 'ship' and I can't wait to see where this goes. Hope my review was helpful and feel free to stop by again with a re-request.
- Adele :)Author's Response: Hello :D
Sorry? Don't even worry about it - RL invades sometimes ;)
Grammar+Dialogue+Keira= Not a good mix. Really? Ah thank you! I'll go look now - I'll PM you if I'm stuck - if that's okay?
Tonks and Moody. They're two characters that I've never written before - but turn out to be really fun! Moody will be a reocurring character throughout this series until his ... untimely demise :(
Dialogue. I completely understand what you mean here (that line gave me some issue when I was writing it but my common sense decided to go on a walk when I was looking to re-arrange the line :P).
Oh, thank you very much! :) And your review has been very helpful so thank you! I'll see if you have room for Chapter 2 - if that's okay?
Keira :) Report Review
Oh yes I enjoyed this chapter tremendously. I can't wait to read about Tonk's time with the pack, excellent penmanship and another 10/10 and plz update soon.Author's Response: Thank you very much :) I'm almost finished with the third chapter :D Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
What a cliff hanger! I think that you did a great job with this chapter- the flashbacks fit smoothly into the present day and you split them into pieces that made sense with the present day situation.
Once again I think that your characterization was very good- Tonks was very youthful in this chapter, stubborn and clumsy, just like in the books. It was interesting to see Moody's protective nature highlighted again- will you eventually explain the reasons behind it as it doesn't seem that Moody treats all of the young Aurors in that fashion. And ug- you made Vincent even worse in this chapter! In the last chapter it just seemed that he was a guy with a very serious crush on Tonks but he was plain creepy here! "I'm always here."... It's a very good thing that the other Aurors are looking out for her- the switch in patrols was very nice given the situation.
I liked the detail you put into describing the Auror office- they made sense and added to the realism of the story. The little detail about the family photos was particularly well done- it makes sense for them to hide any ouvert connections to their loved ones to protect them from danger. As well, the flow was very nice- it was smooth and you related your paragraphs very well. This was particularly evident with your flashbacks, as I mentioned before.
I noticed that there are some occasions where you still didn't capitalize words where they should be, such as with "for Merlin’s sake" (it should be "For"). I would just do a quick read through of your chapters and wherever there's the beginning of a sentence you should capitalize it. As well, with "looked over. Their eyes narrowing" I would either change the period to a comma or change "narrowing" to "narrowed".
I think that it's a very good idea that Tonks volunteered- as Dumbledore said, her situation makes her ideal for the job. I don't know how anyone else would have managed to imitate a werewolf without metamorphagus abilities. You've obviously put thought into this- the freezing spell will ensure that she doesn't blow her cover with her emotions.
All in all, I think that you're doing a great job with the continuation of this story and capturing the reader's interest. Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Hello :)
Thanks :) I've never been sure about flashbacks so really hoped they fit in!
Moody :D He's always fun to write! I've always wondered about their relationship so you will definetely see the reasons behind it! :D (If you keep reading of course :P) Vincent - I have plans for Vincent (mwahaha ;) ) - he was never originally that bad in the slightest but as I was writing the chapter he seemed to take on a personality of his own! :P
Thanks for pointing out the errors. I must have missed them! ANd I have an issue with my tenses so I'll go correct them now :D
Your reviews are great and the errors have been very helpful :) Thank you very much :D
So, I really like how the story is written in Tonks' POV and they give us a really good view of what she thinks. Plus, I think you really captured a perfect Tonks when you wrote this. There's a lot of things I never noticed about her that the story emphasised like how she notices things with details. Oh! Also, the part when she hits the ink bottles is that supposed to be a 'clumsy' thing? I thought it was and whether you did on purpose or not, I think you did a great job on it. :P
The only problem, a very minor one, I had was about Jack. You know the bit where Tonks and Jack was talking to each other and Kingsley addresses him as 'Noble.' On the next scene there a Jack Thorne. Are there two Jack's in here or just one? Please explain, I'm really confused.
Overall, I like the story and I think you did such a good job writing it. You seem to know where your story is heading and you put everything into words properly. The descriptions are fantastic! And the chapters are always on a reasonable length! Woop. I love it.
Ta-ta for now,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hello again! :D
Oh! Thank you! Yeah - the ink bottle was an attempt at her 'clumsiness', I completely forgot about it and then had one of the moments and then was like 'must make clumsy' :P
Ah. Jack. Yeah - that's my error. When I wrote the first chapter I didn't realsie that I had named two characters Jack. So when it came to this chapter I just carried on with two different Jack's instead of changing it (stupidly!). I'll change it now :P
Thank you so much! I've nearly finished chapter three so hopefully it'll be up within the week :)
Thanks for the review!
Keira7794 :) Report Review
I really liked this chap! I think this was really good and written really well. I think you really let us get inside her head with this, with her thoughts and stuff. I think you left the ending on a good note, It left me wanting to read the next chapter to find out what happens. The characters seem very interesting. Again your description and pacing was pretty good in this I thought. I couldn't see any grammar or spelling issues. I loved the argument with her and mad eye, he seemed so much in character there. Really good job on this, I'll keep an eye out for the next chap, and feel free to ask for a review on it.Author's Response: Hello :)
Thank you so much! :) Moody is very fun to write, so I'm glad you're enjoying him! :P Thanks so much :) Report Review
Hi this is Rose m with your review :D
First off, I'm so glad you asked me to read this! I saw this when I was looking though the stories on here and thought I'll have to read it cause your summary was good! So I was glad when you asked me:)
Onto the chap :) I really enjoyed it. At first, I thought there was going to be too much description, but then you did even it out with the dialogue and it definitely helps with general flow of this.
I thought most of the characters where spot on, loved mad eye
I thought that the dialogue was done well and was easy to follow.
And there where no glaring Grammar issues that I picked up on.
I liked the scenes you did when she was thinking back to when she was in Hogwarts, with the Slythrine and that.
Overall, this kept my interest and was a really good read and a different idea. Look forward to chapter two!
Good workAuthor's Response: Thank you very much - I'm glad it didn't disapoint! Yey for Mad-Eye! :P Thanks so much for the review :) Report Review
Here again with another review. Yea for me, I get to be the first review of this chapter. I really liked this chapter. I felt as if I was truly getting to know Tonks on a better level. I felt that her characterization seemed really good. I really like the idea of the freezing spell that was a pretty neat thing to add. I felt that the flow and pace of this chapter was really good.
I was confused on one thing though. Is there more than one Jack? The Jack that gave Tonks the patrol schedule, seemed to answer to the name Noble when Kingsley called. Then you mention that her cubicle was between Jack Thornes. So I wasn't sure whether there were two different men or whether they were the same guy and I was missing something else where. Other than that I liked the chapter and I am excited to see what else is to come.Author's Response: Hello :)
Ah. Jack. Yeah - that's my error. When I wrote the first chapter I didn't realsie that I had named two characters Jack. So when it came to this chapter I just carried on with two different Jack's instead of changing it (stupidly!). I'll change it now :P
I'm nearly finished the third chapter so hopefully it will be up within the week :D
Thanks for the reviews! :) Report Review
Here I am with your review. I thought that the flow of the chapter was nice and the pace was good. Your use of description was nice. I had no problem keeping up with the story or where it was headed. You mentioned a special guest at the very beginning of the chapter and I never did figure out who that was. Especially considering that all the characters that were speaking were those that are normally seen at all the order meetings.
I do think that you did a good job setting up the story for the upcoming chapters. I can sort of see where this is going and I am interested in seeing what is to come.
Good job.Author's Response: Hello :)
The special guest was Remus. I think I need to go back and clarify that a bit more as Remus is usually with the wolves and therefore doesn't attend some meetings. And those that he does, he rarely gives a report. It will also be explained it the coming chapters :D
Thank you very much :) Report Review
Hey! First of all, I'd like to hand you a bucket full apologies. I realise how long this review has taken me and I do understand if you hate me for it. School has just been...so cruel! If my career wasn't on stake here then I wouldn't have taken so much subjects.
Any who, moving on! I'm shocked that this is your first ship! Normally, people would start writing ships first and them they move on to the stories without ships. Mhm. I wouldn't say you went the 'wrong way' because technically, there is no such thing. Every author has some place to start with and yours was just different from what I've seen is all.
If it helps, I think you did a fantastic job. You seriously don't have to worry that much about the story! I love it! When I saw the thick paragraphs I knew that it would be, no doubt, an awesome story and guess what, I was right. :P
Unlike some of of the reviewers, I didn't have trouble reading the story. I followed it quiet well and I think that's all because of your awesome descriptions.
The chapter was, overall, well-written. I like Tonks' character here. She seems such a lovely young warrior. She's very observant, like any other member of the order should be, and she has a long span attention. I love the way that she's a balance person, she's not that arrogant, she doesn't radiate too much confidence, and she thinks about things. Mhm. I might as well say that I love her.
Ooh! The wolf part for Remus was quiet interesting as well. Its very rare to see things like that. I think its because some, if not most, of the authors are afraid to invent new theories and things and they just want to stick to the more familiar side and sometimes it does get boring.
Yeah, I just went totally off topic! In any case, I love your story! Woop! 1000/10
Ta-ta for now,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Apologies? Pssh don't even worry about that :) I know the feeling - school is driving me crazy currently! :P
Haha - yes I've noticed! It's just weirdly not something I've ever done - so first time for everything! :P
Oh! Thank you so much! Yeah - I completely agree, Tonks is awesome! One of the best characters in the series (except Ron and Luna of course :P)
Meh, off topic is good :D
Thanks so much for the great review! :) Report Review
This is a really well thought out and well written story. I love the fact that it's such a different plot line aswell because you don't see many stories which focus on werewolves and how Remus had to blend in with them.
Tonks wanting to volunteer for the task is so typically Tonks like especially no whilst she's starting to notice her true feelings for Remus. I really like the way you're actually introducing her interest in him/
Well done on this!Author's Response: Thank you very much :) It was just a slightly random plunny which hopped into my head :P
I hope I can carry on keeping the characters true to their personalities! :D Thanks for the review :) Report Review
Hi to the receiver of my 2000th review.
The opening of this story was really good and well detailed. I could follow the whole thing quite well, and sometimes with some of the stories that can be differcult.
I have to feel sorry for poor Remus. I often wondered (when I read it in the book) how he managed to carry out his uncover work for the order when he had to be part of Greybacks pack. And now another dangerous mission, and without a wand.
I have no choice but to give you 10/10 for this excellent starting chapter and add to favs so I can try and keep up with your updates. So please update soon.Author's Response: Thank you so much! The second chapter is now up and I've nearly finished writing the third :D
Woah - 2000 reviews?! Congratulations! :D Report Review
It's Roots in Water with your review!
I definitely enjoyed reading this chapter and I think that you're off to a great start with your new story! It's rare for me to read a story based around Tonks and Remus' relationship but even so I don't think I've ever come across a story where Tonks goes to the werewolf packs along with Remus- it's a very original idea!
I think that you did a great job with your characterization- we can already see Tonks' fascination with Remus and Remus' poor situation. It's easy to see from your description of him that the war is really taking a toll on him. As well, I never really thought about what it would be like for him in the werewolf packs but I think that you've done a great job of realistically describing his situation. It makes sense that they would be aware of his wizard-like tendencies and be less accepting, especially since, as you mentioned, he only goes near the packs during a war.
I enjoyed your description at the start of the chapter where you outlined the seating arrangement at the table. You wrote it in such a way that it didn't seem like just a list- you also gave slight physical descriptions that helped to show Tonks' auror tendencies. As well, I think that you portrayed an Order meeting quite well- it was interesting to see your take on what they would report on. Of course they would always be trying to recruit more people for their cause! I also liked the addition of Vincent Ginnis as he's a potential cause for jealousy- I can already see Remus bringing him up because of his insecurities.
The flow as well was good- there weren't any jarring moments and I think that you balanced your description and dialogue quite well. One thing I would mention is that the start of a new sentence should always be capitalized- you occasionally left the first letter of a new sentence in your dialogue un-capitalized (such as with "the answer is clear" - it should be "The").
As well, I noticed a few other small typos: the phrase "focussed in concentration" should be "focused" and, if you're focused, I think that the element of concentration is implied (and thus doesn't need to be included in the sentence). As well, with "crowded round" it should be "around", with "muggleborns house" it should be "muggleborn's" and I wasn't quite sure what you meant to say with "was bought to speech" - did you mean "brought"? Finally, I think that the phrase "would prefer it if he was dead" would flow more smoothly as "prefer him dead/to see him dead".
As for believability, I definitely thought that this was believable. Your reasoning behind Remus' position in the pack was sound and the little interactions you included throughout the chapter between Tonks and Moody made her volunteering to go wandless to the werewolf camp believable. However, I do wonder why having Tonks accompany hiim would improve Remus' position in the pack... Are you going to make it seem as though he has bitten her, thus making him "belong" more to the werewolf world?
All in all, I enjoyed reading this chapter and I think that you have the beginning of a very interesting and well-written story on your hands. Thanks for requesting a review and I hope that my comments are helpful!Author's Response: Hello :)
Oh thank you very much :) It was a slightly random idea that bounced into my head and since I've never done a ship, I thought it was about time! :P
I'm glad you thought the Order meeting was portrayed well - I was slightly nervous about that! :) And Vincent - you'll hear more about him in the next chapter :D
Oh thank you so much for pointing out the errors - I'll go change them now :)
Haha you guessed :P By biting Tonks he'll 'prove' himself and improve his hioerarchy in the pack. :) Your comments have been brilliant so thank you very much for the lovely review!
Keira :) Report Review
Hey, Elenia here with your review!
I love reading about Remus and Tonks since they are one of my favourite couples, so I'm looking forwards to how you are planning on getting them together (: I think both of them were written very well, they were believable and very similar to their canon character. As were many others too. I liked the cryptic Dumbledore and the grumpy protective Moody. I think maybe Snape was the only one who was a bit off. I think his comments should maybe be a bit more proud and smug, and not so easily provoked?
I think the chapter was a good start for this story. Not much happened, but you gave us little hints to where this tale is going. So I'm sure the chapters to come will hold more action in them.
I liked the beginning of the chapter and how you didn't give information about every single character around the table, that would have been too much, but you kept up the interest. and it held through the whole chapter I think. So good job on that.
Not so much to say yet about the R/T 'ship as we didn't get any that kind of vibes from the two of them yet, but I think you are heading in the right direction. I hope you will come to re-request when your next chapter is out! (:Author's Response: Thank you very much :) The next chapter is in the queue! I completely agree about Snape - I was so eager to get it in the queue that by the time I looked over it, it was too late :P
I've edited it now so hopefully it'll be up soon! Thanks so much for the review :) Report Review
First, let me say I was excited to read your story after I read your summary. It was very short, but very very intriguing (this coming from a girl who can write an entire chapter, but when it comes to a summary, it generally is uninteresting). So good job on that!
Also, there were a few lines within the story that I took a liking to. Such as:
"What could possibly keep a man so focused and determined to fight for a society that would prefer it if he was dead?"
This line stuck out to me because I never really thought of Remus that way, but it is extremely true. Remus doesn't really have anything to live for in a society that just casts him aside. Is he doing it in his best friend's memories? Or is there something else? This would be something interesting to write about within the story. :) Just a suggestion though...haha
Now for the criticism. For a first chapter, it wasn't bad. Just slow and nothing really happened. I understand you wanted to get the setting and time down (I'm assuming this is during the fifth book?) but some of the conversation made it slow to read. For example, the part where they are talking about Vincent Ginnie. It is my assumption that this man is going to be a problem in upcoming chapters, but is it appropriate for this back story to be told in the middle of an Order meeting?
With the way that part was explained, I felt like I was reading Tonks as a teenager and not as a full-grown adult who has become a well-known auror. Problems such as a creeper are usually side conversations outside of the actual important meeting if you know what I mean.
As with other characters, Moody seemed on target, as did Dumbledore. Snape seemed a little bit off, though. I know he likes to taunt and tease, but Snape is not one to show anger very often (the only time I can really remember is when Harry penetrated his thoughts during their Occlumency lessons). The fact that he roared about how he had been in Slytherin seems uncharacteristic. I picture him saying something more along the lines of, "May I remind you that I was once and still am, a part of Slytherin House."
Lastly, there were quite a few grammar and spelling errors. My suggestion with this would be to put the chapter down for a day or two and reread it before submitting. I know, I am also very impatient to get my chapters out, but reading it after you have had a day to think about it will make it a much cleaner read.
Well, I think that's about all for now! I'm interested as to how you will bring Tonks and Remus together, so if you want a review on the next chapter, feel free to post in my thread again on the forums :)
-DobbyAuthor's Response: Hello :)
Thanks so much for the review! The first chapter is more of setting the scene for the rest of the story so I really wanted to see if you were intriged to read on xD
I've edited the chapter now and the next one is in the queue :) (as a plus, I completely agree about Snape. He's been edited now xD)
Thanks so much for the review! :) Report Review
Here from review tag!
This is definetely a good way to start the story off! I remember reading Book 5 for the first time when the Order was having their meetings and Fred and George were trying to listen in with their extandable ears, it felt like we were right there with Fred and George, wishing we could hear what ws going on. So with that being said, I really enjoyed your depiction of the Order meeting, which was pretty much exactly how I would picture one happening.
The characterization was very good. I love how you Dumbledore making cryptic wise saying that most people wouldn't get, was very fitting for him. You always have Moody down very well, we can see just how paranoid and vigilent he is. As for Lupin and Tonks, they seem to be starting off just right. We can really see the pressures they are under and the responsibilities thay have with the Order, and how that situation may draw them closer togther. Seems totally believable so far.Author's Response: Thank you very much :)
Yep this chapter is just setting the scene really, so I hope you enjoy the other chapters which will be up soon :D Report Review
I really enjoyed this :) I love a good Remus/Tonks story, and this looks to be the start of a great one. and I love Beauty and the Beast! I never really thought of their relationship like that, but it makes perfect sense!
I think you got Remus' personallity spot on, not wanting Tonks to be in danger becasue of him. Also, Tonks, being clumsy and not wanting Moody to be in harms way because of his age.
Moody was funny to read, the one eyed, one legged man not bringing a whole lot of creditability was great :) Snape... bitter guy, Snape is. Great job with his character too.
As far as 'ship', I think you did great showing some attraction between the two right away. Tonks studying his exaustion and Remus being protective of her, were nice. It wasn't too overpowering for chapter one, just little hints here and there. Great job, I want to read more!!Author's Response: Thank you :) The Beauty/Beast thing just hit me whilst I was at the Christmas Pantomine so there will be a running theme :D
Oh! Yey I'm so glad you like my characterisation! It's the main thing I'm always focussed on!
Well I'm upto Chapter 3 so more is on it's way! Thanks for the review :D Report Review
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