Reading Reviews for Undone
  
29 Reviews Found

Review #26, by MyMyMiss Sneaking In

5th August 2011:
Hello Ma'am I am here with your lovely review :) to review your lovely work.

First things first. You seem to be going in and out of tenses alot, one minute were talking about the past the next the future, just a few words that make it seem that way is all. Also, this part here, then I stuffed the other half into the back of one of his sock draws; I think you meant one of my sock draws.

Ovr the boring stuff now on ward to the good stuff :) You have a cliffhanger, do you know how much I dispise cliff hangers? That note is awesome ;) Leaves the reader thinking, Hmm, is it Luna? Lavendar? or whom? It intrigues us readers so we click on the back button to see that its Ron/OC, which leaves us wanting to know who the girl is, so we read on ;) Great job there.

Your story is very grammatically corrct, Mine is shocking, as you can see ;)

Poor Ronnie's about to have a kiddie ^.^ Hermione's gonna flip :P I really enjoyed the conversation between Fred and George ;) That was priceless and the way you portray Molly is spot on her actually Character. :) Well done!

All in all, I think you have a very uniwue writting style and am going to read the Next Chapter ^.^

Forum Name: MyMyMiss
House: Slytherin.

Author's Response: Thankyou very much :)

I hadn't noticed the tenses until now so thanks for that :) I'm halfway through Chapter 3 now so hopefully itll be up within the next week (depending on the length of the queue)!

Thanks for the great reviews and giving me the determination to carry on!

Thanks again
Keira :)


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Review #27, by Emmanuelle Sneaking In

3rd August 2011:
Oh...
nice begining, has my hopes up @ maybe this will be an excellent story.
Emmanuelle

Author's Response: Thankyou :)

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Review #28, by academica Sneaking In

3rd August 2011:
Hey there! academica here with your review :)

I really liked this chapter. I thought using the famous Weasley clock was a very original way to start the chapter, first of all. The story flowed pretty well, and I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes. I think you did a good job keeping Ron in canon and I definitely don't think anything is dragging.

I did notice a few punctuation errors that you might want to double-check for in the future; you could also look into getting a beta reader to iron out these small errors for you. In the beginning of the chapter, you were using commas to end sentences instead of periods. It might also make more sense to use double quotes (") instead of single ones and not use italics to indicate dialogue; a lot of people on the site (me included) use italics to indicate thoughts and that might get a bit confusing. Oh, and I think you made a mistake when you were talking about where Ron could get money -- did you mean 'my parents', not 'his parents'? Or are Lily and James alive in this one? Just wondering :)

I loved the part at the end about how you can't teach a Muggle new tricks; that was a cute little addition. I think sixth year is fine; sixteen is slightly more appropriate (if there can be such a thing) for a teenage pregnancy than fifteen. Ron does get lots of Quidditch time in 6th year, so you're right, you could use that as a way of letting him 'disappear'. It might even be an interesting (and true to life) conflict if his Quidditch performance starts to slip because he's spending so much time trying to take care of his girlfriend and the baby.

Good job here! You've got an interesting concept for a story and I'm glad you aren't trying to make teen pregnancy look all sunshine and roses. Thanks for requesting a review, and I hope my comments are helpful! It was a great read! :)

academica

Author's Response: Thankyou for the fast review! Your right, I missed those errors so will correct them as soon as I can :)

Thankyou again :D


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Review #29, by JerseyDreamerx123 Sneaking In

20th July 2011:
This is a great start to a story!

I enjoyed reading the Fred, George, and Mrs. Weasley conversation.

The part where you had "L" write his address on the envelope was pretty funny.

I can't wait to read more and find out more about "L" :)

Author's Response: Thank You! It's my first attempt at something like this, so thanks so much for being my first review! :)

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