LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVED IT!! this is amazing please update soon and keep me happy :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review! :) I'm so glad you liked it!
I think I'm done with this fic, but don't worry, there's more Teddy/Victoire in the works, and a sequel (Cloud Nine) already validated, if you're interested in reading that! :) Report Review
This is such an adorable read. I enjoyed it so much!
I love your characterization of everyone in this. Teddy and Vic are so cute together, and I especially like how you write Teddy in this chapter. I'm glad he doesn't come off as this super confident guy, which is how he is in a lot of stories I've read. He's a little nervous and awkward, which gives him better chemistry with Vic, I think. And I loved the scene with Dominique--she made me laugh :)
One tiny thing I noticed: towards the beginning, when you're switching scenes from Victoire's bedroom to the Leaky Cauldron, I think there should be some sort of break between those lines. It would make the story more clear to split those scenes up.
Like I said, I loved this story! It's beautifully written, and it's so much fun to read. I look forward to reading the sequel :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'm definitely going to edit in some kind of break - I was hoping to make a smooth transition, but I definitely didn't. Oh well!
I'm so glad you liked it so much, and I appreciate your taking the time to read it! :) Report Review
A couple quickie little things. When you're changing time, like between "Victoire somehow doubted this.
When she got to the Leaky Cauldron the next evening," those, I think it's nice to have an asterik (*) or something else of that sort to break it up. It's a bit confusing otherwise.
Also, there's a typo here-"Has anyone ever told you that you think to much" There should be another "o" in too :)
Alright, onto the review! So I figured out how to be a little more specific about your dialogue. I think it's you lack of contractions, actually xD There's a bunch of times when you use I am or You are and typically, people will use the contractions instead. Just fixing those should help a lot ;)
Onto Victoire. I'm not really sure what to think of her yet. She seemed a bit shy in chapter one, but here she's really confident and outspoken, so I'm interested to see which path you'll take. Though she was more shy at the beginning of this chapter, and then she opened up, so that may just be her personality around Teddy. And if that's the case, it's perfect. I have yet to see any major flaws, but it's the second chapter so I'm not at all worried about that. Her over analyzing things isn't big enough to be a flaw yet, but I could definitely see it turning into one. And judging by the characters on your other story, you definitely know how to develop them well! I'm also interested to see what'll happen when she goes back to Hogwarts, since Teddy won't be around.
Teddy. I find your Teddy/Victoire relationship really different, actually, since so far it seems like Victoire's the one who's leading things xD Teddy seems like he's being overly polite, and nervous in this chapter too, so I hope those traits don't disappear. It definitely is an unusual take on his personality, but at the same time, i really like it. Again, I'm interested to see what'll happen with him when Victorie goes back to school!
You have a great start to this story, and I love the romance in this chapter. Keep up the good work!
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for pointing out those typos and identifying what it is about the dialogue that was throwing you. You know how it is - you read through it a million times, but somehow something always gets by you.
I think that I'm done with this story - I really kind of wanted to just have a stand-alone story of how they got together, you know? I might be a little strange this way, but since my first fic ended up being incredibly long, I'm kind of enjoying writing smaller snapshots right now. I have another one posted of Teddy proposing to her (four years down the line, mind you), and one that needs to be validated about how he felt about her about six months before this takes place.
I do have a longer one that I'm outlining now, though, that does go through the first year or two of their relationship. (Which is so much fun, because I get to have her play with monsters!)
Thank you so much for your review. I really do appreciate it - you're really helping me to improve my writing! :) Report Review
WOW! I love of much character development and romance building you did in just one chapter given my very open challenge. Soo impressed right now with the amount of information you've managed to squeeze into the however many words this is, we know the houses of a good majority of the Weasley-Potter children, Victoire's hopes and dreams for the future, the Victoire/Teddy background, and so much more. Loved how much you did with this story! What a great entry! Thanks again for participating in my challenge!Author's Response: Oh, I'm so glad you liked it! :) Thank you again for making the challenge, I had so much fun with it! Report Review
Yay! I'm so glad I get to review another one of your stories :D
Ironically, I think your strengths and weaknesses from this story and the other are flipped. Especially in terms of plot, dialogue, and style. And since you mentioned characterization, I'll talk about that too (but more in my next review) :)
Plot. Last story, I mentioned your plot being fairly usual, with nothing really there to make it stand out. Well this time, your plot is definitely both unusual and intruiging! I've never actually read a Teddy/Victorie that goes through their relationship like this. Mostly, I've seen stories where they were childhood friends who always loved each other. This, on the other hand, feels like you're going to show the process where they fall for each other more than they already have. I also love the addition of dark creatures. That element makes your story stand out the most for me. There's so much you can do with it, so many dark creatures to explore. That, hon, is a stroke if brilliance.
Dialogue. Let me start off by saying that you have the perfect balance of dialogue and prose in this chapter. Your descriptions are fluid and they fit perfectly into the dialogue. But I feel like the dialogue is a bit stiff. Not as natural as it usually is with you. There are a few lines in particular that just seemed awkward to me, like, "Fred, how on earth am I supposed to know? I’ve seen you twice this summer. Neither time have we talked about the Gryffindor Quidditch team." Particularly the last sentence of that. It just doesn't seem as natural to me as if you had said "And we didn't talk about the Gryffindor Quidditch team either time." For the most part, your dialogue is good, but you did have a few instances of awkward dialogue, so watch out for that ;)
Your flow is great in the chapter, and I'll talk about your characters next time! Great start though :D
-NaidaAuthor's Response: Oh, I'm so glad you think that it's new and interesting! That's exactly what I was aiming for, but I wasn't sure I'd actually managed it, you know?
I'm especially glad that you like the addition of the dark creatures. That was one of the first things I decided about my next-gen universe. A lot of my stories touch on it, and a few of them focus on it. Since none of the ones that really focus on it have been put up yet, I've been wondering how people would receive the idea of dark creatures being a bigger issue than dark wizards. I'm glad that you think it's a nice addition!
I can see what you mean about the dialogue - I'll look through it again and try to smooth that out a little. Thank you - I totally would have never noticed that!
Also, thank you so much for your reviews. I'm finding them to be enormously helpful both in revising stories and in how I structure new ones. :) Report Review
Hey! magnolia_magic here from the forums! I'm so incredibly sorry for the wait...college is killing me right now, basically :/
I think you've got a really awesome start here. I love the way you write Victoire, especially. She's analytical and worries a lot (although, I think all teenage girls are that way when they're around their crush) and yet she also has this adventurous side that comes out in subtle ways. I think that contrast is really interesting, and gives her more depth as a character.
I liked reading Victoire and Teddy's interactions--they are so cute and awkward together. I think you describe their relationship very well. While I was reading, I felt butterflies just like I would if it were me in that situation. I think that's the mark of top-notch description--making the reader feel the emotions along with the characters. You do a great job with that here :)
Even more than the Victoire/Teddy relationship, I loved seeing the dynamic between Vic and Fred. I absolutely love the way you've written Fred--he's clearly his father's son. I can definitely see why he and Victoire are such good friends. Their personalities seem to compliment each other really well, and they are so funny together :)
I really don't have anything I want to criticize in this chapter. I thought it was so well-written, and I'm excited to see what happens next! Awesome job!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Oh, no apologies! I just graduated recently, myself - I remember how that goes far too well!
Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad that you liked the dynamic between Victoire and Fred - I know that it's a different cousin friendship than most people write, and I've been wondering how it comes across! Right now I have a couple fics about them in the works, and it's a lot of fun to write them. :)
I'm also (of course) glad that you liked Victoire and Teddy's interactions. I really wanted readers to feel exactly the way you're describing, so I'm glad I did a good job!
Thank you again, so much. :) Report Review
Hello there, hun! I'm here with your review of the next chapter. I'm so glad you came by to request. It would have been awhile till I could squeeze this in, so I'm glad you brought me back!
Awesome second chapter. You're really making good progress with the plot at a great pace. I loved the length of it. I love the longer chapters. ;)
And this was so precious! Absolutely beautiful, and I loved it so much. I loved that the whole chapter took place around the event of Teddy and Victoire's first date, and I can see Vic somewhat acting like this before/near the date and stuff.
I find her somewhat of a perfectionist in any characterization of her I find, so I thought it was a good addition with the whole indecisive part over the outfits. But also, any girl is really like that over a date they are excited for, and you portrayed that brilliantly. You kept it really light hearted and you got me really excited for the date, all the while contributing to both Dominique and Vic's characters.
Also, the talking mirror! That was cute and just from the brief description we get, what the mirror says to Vic was hilarious! I laughed out loud, and it's the little things like this that I think add a lot of personality to a story. It also showcases your talent as a writer because it just voices all these little details that, I suspect, don't come to mind right off the bat. You have to think about them, plan them, work them in, and you did so brilliantly. Plus is it was a nice laugh. :D
I loved Vic's sarcastic tone with her sister. I found it quite funny when she said something alone the lines of "Well, we're going on a date so I suppose he does" in reference to Teddy liking her. Yes, it was my first initial thought too when Dominique first asked that. :)
You know, I don't think I've ever read a story about how and when Teddy and Vic get together. Any any over Ted/Vic story, it seems to be that they are already into their relationship at whatever step it may be. I don't think I've ever read one that deals with the process of them actually getting together. From what I would have expected, this is definitely a different take on it all in some ways. But I love it. It's creative, and it's different and that's what makes it unique and really makes it stand out from all the others.
I loved that Teddy played with his appearance on the date and Vic sighed over it. That's one of the things I would have pictured as well, and you voiced it brilliantly.
What I found unique was the tone of their conversation and the actual dialogue. I love how you made it a thing of "is it weird if?" or something along that instance. Definitely quite different, but so creative and really precious.
Their kiss was perfect. Again, different from anything I would have predicted, but I love it all the more because of that, and now after reading this, I would like to believe that this is how it would go. :)
Ah, and Teddy told her he loved her! That would freak me out on the first date, I think. I would have run off in the other direction, but I'm not Victoire. :) So who knows. While just that part of it all seemed fast, it was cute. And he did say that he had fancied her since the middle of fourth year, so it makes sense that he could already be there with his feelings for her!
I saw that you are worried with the plot and characterization. Well, hun, you have nothing to worry about. :) The characters are coming along brilliantly, and I think I've gotten it across that all of your characters thus far are something that steps away from the norm and you're really made them unique. Don't worry a single thing about that. ;)
And your plot is coming along nicely too. It's at a brilliant pace, and you also have a nice flow with it all. You don't bog us down with anything at a given time, but rather spread out your descriptions, actions, emotions, dialogue, etc. :) No worries. My only piece of advice in this department is that you don't want to swamp the reader for a bunch of fluff for chapter upon chapter. So just make sure there's something other than fluff and romance a few chapters into the future to add some differentiation. :)
Fantastic job! I'm so glad you pulled me back for the second chapter, and I hope you find this review helpful. Really, thanks so much! I'm quite enjoying this story.
DrueAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your review! It made me smile! :)
I'm really glad you liked it so much. I've had trouble in the past with including too much dialogue and not enough description, and I thought I'd done a better job with this one, and I'm really glad to hear that you agree!
I actually only want this fic to be two chapters long - I really want this to be the story of how they initially get together. I have a few other fics about their relationship in the works (and one validated, which I think I will run off to request from you next - I hope that I'm not becoming annoying!), and other than the one that's already validated, I'm not planning to make any of them fluff. :)
Thank you so so much again. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it! Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested. Please forgive me for the long wait. I've been swamped with my schoolwork, and my queue has been huge lately. But I finally amde time for this, and I'm so glad. I'm really glad you requested.
You seem to be off to a great start, and I think you have a very original, enjoyable fic coming along here! This could really turn into something great. Most Victoire centered fics tend to start off a little cliche, but I think you avoided that completely. Really splendid job.
I love your characterization of her. She really does seem unique and down to earth. She's not one of those perfectionists who cares only about her looks, and you got that across in this chapter. I think that's brilliant of you because it strays away from the norm characterization of her in so much. And you made her a Ravenclaw! Even better. It just adds more character to her and more originality to your plot. I can definitely see her being a Ravenclaw just by reading her within this chapter.
And Fred! I like that she is friends with him. I think that's a new cousin friendship I think I have come across, and I like it. He seems like he has been greatly characterized as well, and I can't wait to see more of him!
As I was reading along, I did feel that the dialogue was perhaps a little heavy at times. There were some parts of the chapter as if I were just floating along with the dialogue. While you don't want to drown your reader with introductions and what not, I think I would suggest to have a little bit more. Just a tad to make this chapter seem more full and round. It would add more depth and life. But I really think that's my only complaint. :)
That aside, it seemed to flow really well! Victoire and Fred seem to have a great friendship, and their dialogue came easy. That came through in the chapter. It was easy to read them exchange their conversation, and it all seemed natural. All of the chapter did. The transitions, the dialogue, the description of her outfit, Teddy's entrance. All of it. Really well put.
Your input of Vic stumbling in her heels was one of the little descriptions you put in there that I really think add life to the story. It's these minor details that you probably have to think hard on to come up with because they are so particular, but they are the things that bring life to it all and add more character to the people within the story. Not only that, but it makes us better able to relate to your characters. So just that little snippet really brought the story off the screen and gave it some life. I would love to see more of that because it just makes it feel so full. Really great job. :)
This was a great first chapter, and I really think you're off to a wonderful start. I can't wait to see where you take this. This is definitely a Vic story that stands out from the crowd. So excellently done.
Due to my huge queue, I can only read the first chapter. I'm going to empty my queue and then I will be back for more. However, feel free to request again at any point if you wish to hop in line to receive it faster. It's up to you. Thanks for requesting and introducing me to this lovely story! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) I have chapter images to add, so when I upload them I think I'll go through the dialogue a bit.
I'm so glad that you think that Victoire is well done. I'm in the middle of a few Victoire fics, and I'm really enjoying writing her. I tried to avoid a lot of the stereotypes, and I'm really glad that you think I've done a good job of it! :)
Thank you again, so much. :) Report Review
Hi! Brielle here with your requested review!
So, when I startd this I was really excited because I absolutely love Teddy/Victoire. And when I was done with this chapter, I was never happier with the pairing.
Dang girl, this is some fantastic bit of writing you have here. You have /no/ need to be worried about this! The way you depict Victoire is practically golden. She's so different than the other prim and proper Vic's I've read about that it makes me smile to think about her. She's quiet, a RAVENCLAW, and clumsy. She spends time pinning over Teddy. She's friends with FRED.
So as a character, Victiore is really well written, and I like her a lot. Her interactions with Fred are specifically brotherly, which is well done. Most stories that try this can't do it exactly right, but you seem to have it panged. The way they interact between each other is simply unchangeable, because it's just so. them. I've never read a story where they're friends, so this is now the (oh... i don't know) face? of my depiction of them. I'm currently obsessed.
BUT, moving onto Teddy and Victoire :)
The way she sees him is so... different. A lot of stories have them as siblings that fall in love, but I think the way you have them being friends (and just simply that) makes your flow that much better. This way, you never had to explain how they were close together and more specifically why, but rather just how adorable and awkward she was around him.
All in all, a fantastic plotline and a lovely first chapter! I'm excited for the next one, and I really wish it was longer!
-Brielle :)Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much! This has totally made my day. :)
On the downside, this isn't longer - but on the upside, I have a one-shot in which he proposes to her that will hopefully be through the queue in the next couple days. :)
Thank you so so much! Report Review
love it! keep adding please!Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! :)
I actually really only wanted this to be a 2-chapter fic, so it's done now. On the bright side, I have a fic in which Teddy proposes to Victoire up for validation right now, so check back in a few days! Hopefully it will be up and you'll like it as much as this one! :) Report Review
This is a very sweet story, and I love the ending. It's just so fluffy!
I think that there were also a couple of humourous scenes, for example, the thing about Manchester City, which made me laugh. I also thought your characterisation of Teddy was adorble, and I loved how much Vic was anticipating the date. I was so glad it worked out well! The kisses at the end were just... dghjfd amazing. The description is well done, and the dialogue was also very natural.
As for crit, I thought that both of them were a little forward with one another, which I think would be unlikely, considering how they weren't sure about how the other person felt, in the beginning. But, I think that is totally down to personal taste, and I don't think it took away from my enjoyment of the story as a whole.
Well done for such a lovely piece! ^_^
P.S Sorry about how short this review is. :/Author's Response: Oh, I'm so glad you liked it! I can see what you mean about them being a bit forward, though. :)
No worries about the short review! I know, I hate it when I don't have much to critique so my reviews are very short. Hopefully it's a good thing, though. :P
Thank you so much for the review. I cannot say how much I appreciate it! :) Report Review
Hi again! AditiDraco95 here.
Well another beautiful chapter. I really like the fluffy romantic side of this - it is quite "warming" :D
I love how you describe your scenes, it actually makes the reader imagine it straight on. I also like Teddy's characterization and of course Victoire's. The dialogues, the narrative, the scene setting and the over all chapter was really very nice to read. I truly liked it.
You've done a commendable job with this entire story, and I must say it leaves me longing for more which is quite a good sign for an author :)
I didn't find anything to criticize here, and as I said, this was a very sweet and beautiful story all in all.
ADAuthor's Response: That's definitely a good sign. :) Maybe I'll request a review from you for their engagement fic that should be validated at some point in the next few days, too.
Thank you so so much for your review and your very kind words. :) Report Review
Hi there! This is AditiDraco95 from the forums with your review!
I must say I really liked reading this. You're worrying unnecessarily, you definitely don't have too much dialogue and the scene setting is fine. In fact, I didn't find anything to criticize in here. Your writing flows well, the characterizations are good, the plot and the scenes are woven nicely and the narrative overall is great!
This was a remarkable piece of writing - especially as chapter 1. I really liked it. You've done a great job!
ADAuthor's Response: Oh, good! :)
Thank you so much for your (very lovely) review! Report Review
Hello! Here with your review! This is a good start to the story, and I'm intregued about what direction this story is going to take. I like the friendship between Dom and Fred. It's not really a friendship that is spoken about all that much, so for that reason, it was interesting to read.
I also liked the speech between the characters. It seemed very natural and flowed well, which I think makes up for a lack of description in the story.
There were some things in the story that made it seem a little bit awkward. For example, the bit about James becoming a beater: “I guess they took your order to keep their mouths shut very seriously.”
Teddy’s confusion cleared immediately. “Are you joking?” Fred shook his head. “You’re giving James a Beater’s bat?” In these lines, I feel like there's a missing piece of dialogue because Teddy goes from not having a clue who the beaters are, to questioning whether or not James is suitable for the position. (Although if that was intentional, and I maybe read it wrong, feel free to shoot me :P )
Characterisation is difficult to comment on because of how little we know about the next-gen kids, but I think you wrote them all really well. It is interesting to see that Fred and Vic are the resident pranksters of the school, rather than James and an OC or... cousin. Your Victoire is also really interesting. I like how she's chosen a career path that is less popular than other things, and I like her resistance to people's opinion of it. Also, Teddy seems like a really nice guy.
As to dialogue, there is quite a lot, but it seems very natural, and as I said before, as there is little description in the story it doesn't matter that much and it doesn't take a lot away from the story. Plus, it would be almost impossible to write this scene with less dialogue. It is just the nature of this chapter. However, if you do want to reduce the amount of dialogue, then you could take certain things out and just have Vic thinking of them- for example, when they talk about setting off the fireworks rather than speaking about them.
Overall, this was a really good first chapter, with some good solid, and natural dialogue, and I really enjoyed it.
I hope this review was somewhat helpful. :)
LeanneAuthor's Response: It was very helpful, thank you! :)
I can see what you mean about Teddy suddenly understanding what Fred was talking about... my intention was that he understood because Fred and Victoire expected him to, and there aren't that many people he knows at Hogwarts who he would hear about. When I edit the chapter to put my chapter image up, maybe I'll switch that around a little. :)
I'm glad you think that the dialogue/description is natural. Maybe I'll add a bit more in, but since you think it's good the way it is, I won't stress too much. :)
It's actually a funny story - Fred & Victoire and James & Roxanne are kind of both pranksters (and Lily gets into it as well sometimes). They definitely pull different sorts of things, though, and Fred and Victoire are so much older than James and Roxanne that their time at school doesn't overlap very much.
I'm glad you like her chosen career path! :) The DCB actually makes frequent appearances in my fics, and I'm very attached to it.
Thank you so much for your review. It was definitely very helpful! Report Review
Hey-a!I'm here with your requested review!
I liked the title of your story!
I found your story very intresting but in between I felt it was bit dragged. I loved Vic matureness.
I found ending really awesome. And Ted has too much patience!Ha ha!
Your description of characters & usage of words is excellent!
8.5/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) Report Review
Hi! I really like this opening chapter! Although it was a little long, that's just my tastes.
I think you have all solid characters here. I like how Teddy's a little shy but at the same time more mature than Victoire and Fred. Victoire made a comment about how running around for treasure wasn't a proper job- doesn't her Dad do the same thing? Regardless, I really like the banter they have with each other, it's very relatable and realistic. I think out of everything, your dialogue is probably your strongest point.
Great job, and feel free to re-request when I have slots :)Author's Response: Her dad did do the same thing, but I tend to think that he stopped wandering all over the world once he had kids. :P
Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
I really really really liked this story! Please publish the sequel soon!Author's Response: Thank you! :) I'll put the sequel into the queue as soon as what I have in there now (for an unrelated story) gets validated. Hopefully it'll be up in the next few days! Report Review
I really like how you've written the characters here. Can't wait for the next chapter. Great job!Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) The sequel should be going into the queue tomorrow, so hopefully it'll be up in the next 3-4 days. Report Review
Hey it's Logamind here from the Forums.
This is a great first chapter to your "two shot" haha. I didn't want it to end.
Poor Victorie, paranoid about Teddy coming into the Pub. Every teenage girls been like that over a boy at one point, so I thought that was great. It made Victorie easy to like.
I loved the idea that her and Fred were troublemakers together. Fred was also wonderfully written. The two characters had a great relationship with one another.
And Teddy when he asked her out. I had to physically stop myself going "awww". You've reached the sap inside of me who loves fluff and lots of it.
I thought the flow was great, I like longer chapters as they give you time to really get into the story. This one was brilliant, it flowed wonderfully in my opinion.
This really was a great first half to the story and PLEASE pm me when the next one is up! Really can't wait to read it.
LogamindAuthor's Response: Oh, thank you so much! :) I'll absolutely PM you when it gets validated. I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection