123 Reviews Found

Review #26, by goodbyetoyou Why Did It Have To Be You?

5th July 2011:
I really like the use of magic in your story! A lot of people will write an entire novel without the single use of a spell (believe me, I did it) and its really awesome how you incorporate it. Sometimes we forgot we're on a Harry Potter writing site and we don't just love the characters from HP but the adventures and the freedom, and I think you really take advantage of that! Well done!

Author's Response: Thanks! I try to remember that they use spells a lot :P

 Report Review

Review #27, by goodbyetoyou This Is Who We Are

5th July 2011:
I really like this first chapter, it was a good start. It's interesting to have someone who is on the wanted list as an OC, seeing all the mary sue's around here, and you throw yours out there as a criminal and a killer. awesome start!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! :D

 Report Review

Review #28, by LilyGreenEyes Family Reunion

4th July 2011:
Fantastic yet again! I actually stopped making notes again so excuse the randomness of my review!

You have Fenrir to a tee, he is such a creep!

The tension and emotions throughout this chapter are superbly written and really add to the experience you get when reading. They are so believable and intense it's just brilliant to read :)

Oh WOW! The order, all of them :) That's really great to see them still going and still looking out for their own. But wowzers! Her sister too! Great twist with a lovely ending :)

I honestly cannot wait to read more, I want to see Auxilry's revenge, and the Order meeting and see how the Raven/Teddy/Victoire triangle develops!

Please, please, please come back once it's updated! I honestly love this story so much!

Author's Response: The Raven/Teddy/Victoire triangle will have some suprising twists.

Thanks so much! :D


 Report Review

Review #29, by LilyGreenEyes Fists Fly

4th July 2011:
This is such a great chapter! You can totally feel the tension between them, the desire to get away from that place, Raven's desire to put right some wrongs, so many feelings that are beautifully written here!

The fight scene was, once more, brilliantly written, and I have to admit it was nice to see Vanessa get a little pain ;)

The emotions are superbly written throughout and would you look at that... Auntie Auxilry creeping out the woodwork :/ A great cliffhanger here, cannot wait to see what she does next!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! :D

 Report Review

Review #30, by LilyGreenEyes A Bloody Mess

4th July 2011:
Dun dun dun. Cliff hanger! Boy am I glad the next chapter is already waiting!

It's such a great story I forget to write notes as I'm reading to make a decent review for you, so please accept my apologies in case this is rather jumbled!

I really felt like I could feel Raven's plight to get him out alive. It was like I could feel the bond between them but Vanessa is a nasty piece of work isn't she! That was a fantastic fight scene indeed!

The thing with Nydia and the bag is highly intriguing and I cannot wait to find out who was talking to her about that prohesy! And meeting Auxilry. Too many exciting things to read. Off for my next fix of Raven, I love her, she's just brilliant, and so is the story!

Author's Response: Thanks! The prophecy won't be explained until chapter 7, which hopefully should be put into queue right after the July 10th once the queue is back up. :)

 Report Review

Review #31, by LilyGreenEyes Why Did It Have To Be You?

4th July 2011:
Oh WOW! FANTASTIC!

I love this story so much, you just keep weaving in these twists and turns that are all so brilliantly thought out and connect so well but I miss them until they hit me like the Hogwarts Express in a rush!

You have a real talent for writing Raven's feelings and emotions and her inner turmoil is so endearing that it's actually making me want to snatch up a wand and save her!

Her family history is very intriguing also and helps to give snippets to get the reader more on her side, however she is such a fantastic character, you don't need any help with that ;)

But wow! Teddy Lupin! That's the blue eyed guy! Phenomenal twist there, definitely wasn't expecting that! But what a great way to end the chapter :)

Loving this story, your characters and your style!

Author's Response: Thanks for your lovely words, dear! :D

 Report Review

Review #32, by LilyGreenEyes Regret

4th July 2011:
Another fantastic chapter that completely pulls the reader into Raven's world and carries them along on this adventure with her.

It was a great twist to see Raven's softer side, so to speak, and her compassion for the victims of the group she's been forced into. I really think you captured the feeling of being trapped perfectly, and you have a real edge to her character.

Your story flows beautifully, and the plot feels very intricate already, although nothing major has happened. It pulls the reader further into the darkness in such a convincing way and is brilliantly written.

Several things are intriguing me now, and pulling me to read on. One is Nydia, I really can't wait to read more about her, the other is the thing she has with the blue eyes, it's just so intricate but I can't stop reading and letting my mind try to work it all out!

Author's Response: Thanks! You've brought a smile to my face! I'm happy you like it! :D

 Report Review

Review #33, by LilyGreenEyes This Is Who We Are

4th July 2011:
Absolutely blooming brilliant! Such a brilliant start to a chapter that I really am lost for words, boy am I glad I make notes as I read otherwise I would have nothing sensible to say in this little box!

I love the drama you create in this chapter. Your writing style is just perfect for this story and really gives it another edge. The start of the story is so full of drama that I didn't want it to be merely a dream, however I get the feeling it may not be.

You have such brilliant detail in describing the situations and the characters that is a real delight to read and provides a superb start to the story.

You have created a fantastic mysterious atmosphere around your characters which is so tangible I felt I could feel it coming from my computer screen. It's great how you give a little, but then leave the reader needing more, it's like you're teasing us and it's brilliant to hook us in and take us further through the chapter.

I'm truly intrigued by this story, it's really hooked me in strongly and I cannot wait to read more! Thankyou so much for coming to my review thread!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your beautiful words! :D

 Report Review

Review #34, by honoraryweasley Regret

2nd July 2011:
Back again with another review! :)

This was great, again. I'm looking forward to more plot development - I'd recommend that in the next chapter, you speed things up a bit. It was good to have these two to fill us in, and detail Raven's dilemma and her feelings to us.

In particular, I found the last few lines very haunting - very well-written, so that the words don't get in the way of the emotions. I'm also starting to like Nydia a whole lot, although I'm a bit confused since she seemed quite different in the last chapter (I think that should soon be clarified, though), and suspect that Vanessa might be a bit of trouble at some point.

And now onto a couple minuscule kind-of-errors I picked up on...
* "I've been a Fire-Eater for so long, and it's never bothered me before, but why am I so upset by it now?" I don't like the usage of 'but' there - I feel like it should be 'so' or that you should just use a semi-colon in it's place.
* "Vanessa did only side with the strongest, and therefore that is why she's with the Fire-Eaters." Either use 'and therefore she's..' or 'and that is why she's..'. I personally prefer the latter.
* "'General Black, Bendamore Village is clear. Return to the Temple?' A man in a black cloak asks." The 'A' should not be capitalized.
* "The Fire-Eaters were currently lead by my aunt, Auxilry Black, and notorious werewolf Fenrir Greyback. I was only the icon and could be killed and replaced in the blink of an eye." A bit of tense confusion here - nothing overly distracting, but something I picked up on nevertheless. It should be 'are currently lead by', 'I am only', and 'can be killed'.

I really do like the line "So here I stand, watching Death, leading Death, like the bloody coward that I am." Great job!

-J

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :D

 Report Review

Review #35, by wit_beyond_measure3 Why Did It Have To Be You?

2nd July 2011:
Excellent! You did a great job bring in Teddy. I hope you keep going with the eye motif; it fits well with Raven's feelings of not wanting to be part of the Fire Eaters, of being forced to watch the carnage.

I didn't notice any problems with grammar in this chapter. It was really fantastic!

wbm/pf

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! :D

 Report Review

Review #36, by wit_beyond_measure3 This Is Who We Are

2nd July 2011:
Hello there! I'm phoenixflames19 on the forums, and I'm here with the review I promised.

This is an excellent start to a story. I like the tension in it a lot. Your plot seems to be developing nicely, and you did a good job of keeping me guessing on what this society is and who they are-- I'm still not completely sure! It's great.

A few small things, nothing that detracts from the story, but since you asked I'll tell you: in the first paragraph, I think you meant "dripping" not "dropping", correct? Also, in the flashback you accidentally lapse into present tense at the beginning. Just once, so not bad at all. A little ways after that, you might want to look at whether "could be heard" in the paragraph about Vanessa almost cursing the villagers is present tense or not.

Other than that, I love the direction your story is heading.

=D
wbm/pf

Author's Response: Thanks! I'll get on that when I can :D

 Report Review

Review #37, by honoraryweasley This Is Who We Are

1st July 2011:
Honoraryweasleyy here, with your review! :)

Great job on the grammar and spelling, firstly - I didn't come across any errors. Except in the line "Every other Fire-Eater is just a werewolf, marked with the mark of the society", the repetition of mark bothers me a little. Maybe that's just me.

You did brilliantly dealing with present tense, which is tricky! No slip-ups that I could see.

I really like Raven's character. She's so sarcastic and young-sounding - her comments make you laugh, but when you hear about all how she had no choice but to live the way she does, they also enhance the pity you feel. I found myself thinking, 'How can someone be so accustomed to something they know is horrible that they're comfortable with making jokes about it?' Throughout the story, the contrast between how innocent Raven and her friends seem, and the darkness of the Fire Eaters and all that, is almost shocking. It's nice, too, to balance out the darkness and ominousness that may not be everyone's cup of tea.

Also, well done on resisting the urge to give an "introduction" character - you sort of let the readers work out the finer details for themselves, which I like.

I'm looking forward to the development of Nydia and Vanessa's characters a lot, especially Nydia. Something I'd be on the look out for is Vanessa - you don't want her, the fiery tempered one, to be coming off as flat and clichéd. I don't see that happening yet, but it is one way her character could develop!

I'm also looking forward to finding out more about this mysterious "him" - good idea, subtly springing a mystery like that on us immediately to get us hooked.

-J

Author's Response: Vanessa is actually supposed to come off as being fiery and cliched for the time being. She's a bit of a character who plays a HUGE part in the storyline later on simply because she's very conflicted within herself.

Thanks so much for your review! :D


 Report Review

Review #38, by Blue Flame Fists Fly

30th June 2011:
Ouch, that has to hurt, risking so much and running for 'her' Teddy only to discover he's engaged! Such a lovely twist. =P

My only constructive criticism would be that their fight seems kind of...out of place, it seems like something that would happen when they're more sure that they'll be safe? That, however, might just me my opinion. Figured I'd throw that out, though. ^^

Other than that, it was a nice chapter, a bit fast paced but certainly good! Auxilry is starting to remind me a bit of Bellatrix, and her entrance is definitely a good hook to get people to read onto the next chapter.

Well done!
-Caiti

Author's Response: You know, until you say it Auxilry does seem a bit like Bellatrix XD

Thanks so much!


 Report Review

Review #39, by Blue Flame A Bloody Mess

30th June 2011:
...dun dun dun.

Wow, alright, I am officially hooked to this story! =P My favorite line this chapter was this one: 'There's no time for chatter now; this isn't a movie where people who are in jeopardy suddenly find time to wallow in their sadness over losing each other. If I stop to talk, we will die.' Despite the situation they're in, it made me laugh loads. And it is also true, and gives you the feel that they have to act and think quickly if they want the hope of surviving.

Plot wise, you've got a wonderful one going, and you've added plenty more elements to it. It's intriguing and captivating, seeing Raven finally taking a turn and trying to get out of there with Teddy. The fact she attacked Vanessa to save him lets us know just how much he means to her, and I do hope we get to see a bit more background into the relationship they add.

I am so looking forward to some Auxilry! Lovely chapter!!
-Caiti

Author's Response: Thank you very much! :D

 Report Review

Review #40, by Blue Flame Why Did It Have To Be You?

30th June 2011:
Alright, I'm going to get my small nitpick out of the way first =P Here: 'and Id take that than to dying alone any day.', I think you meant to say 'take that over dying' perhaps? ^^

To the good things! Once again, a lovely chapter to read. I love that you threw in Teddy Lupin! Plot wise, you've certainly created a brilliant twist that I am definitely intrigued about.

Character wise, once again we get to learn a bit more about Raven and Vanessa in this chapter. Clearly Vanessa enjoys being sadistic - which is lovely, cruel of course, but I always tend to like the not so nice characters ahaha. We get to see Raven's limit to what she'll do and perhaps a rebellious side stirring? I think you do a lovely job of adding more layers onto her with each chapter, showing her limits and views and reluctance to be a part of all this. The same with Vanessa!

Once again, I didn't see anything major tense/grammar wise. Overall the chapter was seriously awesome, and I can't wait to see if they manage to escape!

10/10
-Caiti

Author's Response: Thanks so much!! :D I'm glad someone likes Vanessa. Everyone who reviewed told me they didn't, but I love her! :D

Thanks for your review!


 Report Review

Review #41, by Blue Flame Regret

30th June 2011:
Heya! It's me again! =P

Wow, I really am coming to like this story!

'I am sorry, I am so sorry.' I whisper it quiet enough to only be heard by me.' & 'So here I stand, watching Death, leading Death, like the bloody coward that I am.' were such wonderful lines, that really gave you a look into her characterization and makes you feel horrible for the situation she is stuck in. Well done there!

And for the areas of concern you asked for! :
Plot- once again, I have to say I think this plot line is fabulous. It's unique and such a lovely idea, and you do a wonderful job of showing us just how ruthless this group is in this chapter.

Characters: Raven is clearly characterized by now, and I know I certainly can't help but empathize and feel sorry for her! The tidbits on Vanessa were good as well, showing she is more for siding with power than with good or evil.

Tense - I didn't see anything major tense or grammar wise [granted I will admit grammar isn't my forte =(], so I think you did a good job with this chapter. ^^

Now the only nitpick I have for this is the ending, when she goes to execute the prisoner. You gave us a look at her humane side, but I think there was a lot more you could have done with that, you know? Maybe add a bit, show more of what she's feeling as she casts it, what is running through her mind, etc. It just seemed an abrupt ending.

Other than that, it was fabulous! I love it!
10/10
-Caiti

Author's Response: Thanks sooo much! :D I think at the end of that chapter I might have added something in there about her numbing herself out, shutting off her emotions to the act.

Thanks so much for your lovely review! :D


 Report Review

Review #42, by NaidatheRavenclaw Family Reunion

28th June 2011:
AH, I am SO late on this! And I really wanted to read it too!

You're perfect as always, hun. No criticism from me :) I love how the OotP came in. For a second, I was going to yell at you since Voldemort is dead, but then I realized that of course they'd want to fight the Fire Eaters. Just another stroke of genius.

I'm excited to see some drama in the next chapters! And I hope that this isn't the last we see of Auxilry!

Like I said, amazing as usual. Can't wait to read on! (Will actually read it sooner this time!)

-Naida

Author's Response: Yay review! Of course it isn't the last you'll see of Auxilry :O She's like the IT Villian XD

Thanks lovie! :D


 Report Review

Review #43, by TheGoldenKneazle Family Reunion

27th June 2011:
Hi there! It's me with your review again :)

WOAH action! I loved the showdown between the OotP (which was a really fun surprise) and Auxilry's lot! Also, it was really cool to meet Celestine for the first time :) Although, I am a little bit confused as to why Nydia was suddenly accepted as a side-changer, and Raven too - wouldn't they be a little more interrogated?

I like how you did the Victoire/Ted/Raven too - not too much of either pairing, but jealousy on both sides. I also like the 'play-thing' speech about Ted; it was pretty powerful!

I also really want to hear more about the Order now. Also, will James II play a part in Raven's story...? It's all very exciting! Has Raven escaped fully, when will Auxilry come back, what's going on with Ted, how will Celestine react? Can't wait to find out the answers :D

I loved the descriptions of her dreams too. Blood, mirrors and Ted - they are all very clever metaphors (ish) and I love the terrible combination of all three!

Great chapter! Until next time,
~TheGoldenKneazle

Author's Response: James II is important, but not yet ;) and not to Raven's story, exactly...

Thanks! :D


 Report Review

Review #44, by Colorful Dream/Ramona Why Did It Have To Be You?

27th June 2011:
It seems like, anytime I review this, I have to write my name as if I am nothing but a guest. I don't know why. Strange thing, huh?
Whatever that might be, hello, here's Ramona from the forums with your promised review.
As a big fan of Teddy/? pairings I must say I couldn't wait for him to appear at once in the story. :D Well, I can't possibly tell anything about him yet. Sorry for that - it is a bit too soon to have a real opinion, but I can't wait to find out and see how the things will turn up.
I was about to ask about the thing in the mirror, but you said you'll explain that later, so no more mentioning the request then. :)
Link in signature for re-requesting. ;)
~Ramona

Author's Response: Alright :) thanks for reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #45, by Kat Fists Fly

26th June 2011:
Hey! So I really like this. I haven't read too many next gen stories where Teddy/Victorie is a pairing, but isn't the main focus of the story, and this is refreshing. The lyrics fit in really well, too.
~Kat

Author's Response: They aren't the main ship, but thanks :D

 Report Review

Review #46, by Blue Flame This Is Who We Are

23rd June 2011:
Wow, quite the intriguing story you have here! I have to say I absolutely love how she doesn't *want* to be in that position, how she's contradicting herself as she speaks to them...it's really lovely.

Okaaay so to what you asked for! :

Plot - I don't think I can express how much I am totally intrigued by this plot. It's unique, something I definitely haven't seen before and the fact their leader is reluctant to fill her role bodes for some seriously awesome, intense future chapters. It's also something I could definitely see arising canon wise, given how Werewolves are treated. I love the idea of this dark magic that allows her to transform at will, especially! Can't wait to learn a bit more about that. ^_^

Characters - Already loving Raven, for reasons above about how's she's reluctant to be leader and pretty forced into the role. The others are all intriguing, and I hope to see what they're own stories are. Is Vanessa a descendant of Fenrir and equally as savage? Just curious ^^

Tense/Grammar - Tense wise, I did see a point or two where it looked like you switched tense a moment. But it wasn't huge and didn't take away from the story. Grammar wise I didn't see anything major or distracting, it was lovely. ^^

10/10, definitely reading on soon! It's a great story!
-Caiti

Author's Response: Yep Vanessa is Fenrir's niece...and she could be just as savage, if she applies herself.

Thanks sooo much for the lovely review! :D


 Report Review

Review #47, by Giola This Is Who We Are

22nd June 2011:
Hi, Giola here with your requested review!

Alright, well the strength of this story so far is definitely the plot. You've obviously thought it out and planned out the whole 'Fire Eater' society (I like the similarity to Death Eaters there, by the way :P). The backstory for Raven is obviously there, though kudos for not revealing everything about her in the first chapter, it's tempting to do, and you didn't, you kept me guessing :D
I'm intrigued by who the 'he' is, when her Aunt was taunting her that he could never love her. I'm a sucker for romance, I suppose, but that, for me, is the burning question. I was a little confused initially about Raven's internal thoughts, I thought she was taking it all a little too lightly as the atmosphere seemed serious, but you cleared that up by showing that she didn't want to be there. That, I'm sure, is going to be a crucial plot point.
What I'd watch, is your description. You do a good job of painting a picture of the society and their surroundings, but occasionally it's just given to us in one big slab. Try to spread it out a bit over the whole chapter, but that's a pretty minor thing, it's just well other than that.
No spelling/grammar issues that I can see.
I'll try and read on, so I can comment on character and plot development. So far, though, I'm intrigued, good job!

-Julia

Author's Response: Thank you very much! :D

 Report Review

Review #48, by CrazyForYou Family Reunion

20th June 2011:
Wow, let me just say out of all things, I was not expecting the Order to show up!
The scene with Auxilry and Fenir was creepy and twisted but at the same time it was oddly comical (although that may have just been me). The way Fenir knocks out several Fire-Eaters made me want to laugh.

mine’s old Hogwarts friend, Robert Pennant - should be my old Hogwarts friend

I wasn't too sure why every one left Nydia and Raven alone, let alone why they trusted that Cel could handle them, but alrighty.

Celestine seems to already have a short temper; she lets out an annoyed sigh when Raven won't sit and then proceeds to just leave them in her living room. Thus, I'm given conflicted emotions about her. For one part I feel like she wants to reconnect with her sister. For the other part I feel like she wants to just wash her hands of Raven and leave her to her own devices.

I really liked the twist in this chapter, mainly because I wasn't expecting it. This chapter left me with a lot more questions than it answered, so I'm looking forward to chapter 7!

I'd love it if you re-requested when you update again:)

~CrazyForYou

Author's Response: I'm working on chapter 7. Most of your questions will be answered in 7, since Cel is going to talk to Raven, and after all, Raven has mentioned that she hasn't seen her sister in years.

Consider Auxilry and Fenrir as two villians who have teamed up, but don't have the same intentions. Again, chapter 7, which I imagine is going to be very long, will be more detailed. Now I need to go write all the loose ends I need to clear up in chapter 7 and try to format it into an entertaining story >.<

Thanks for taking the time! :D


 Report Review

Review #49, by CrazyForYou Fists Fly

20th June 2011:
Alrighty, here are chapter four and five combined.
Chapter 4:
Vanessa repeats the spell and he howls, throwing himself against the wall. – How did he manage to throw himself against a wall while under the Cruciatus curse? I’m impressed…
a group of her dedicated Fire-Eater followers behind her. – Dissension in the ranks? I knew I didn’t like her…
The interaction with Nydia confused me. Absolutely nothing happened. Raven showed her a bag and then they left. Part of me wanted Nydia to come with them because that would have made sense and fit with her earlier feelings. But instead they detoured up to the tower, exchanged a few words and left.
The mental connection with her aunt is eerie, especially when you realize it means she’s never going to be safe because her aunt will always be able to search her memories and find where she is. I’m curious as to how that was established.
Vanessa’s betrayal was hard to stomach. First because she was a friend of Raven, second because I felt like she was already massively overstepping her bounds and third because she chose the aunt over her friend. The fact that she has her own group of dedicated Fire-Eaters is very weird. I kept trying to picture the Fire-Eaters as a hierarchical organization only to find that it really doesn’t function that way even though they have ranks and such.
The fact that neither of them transformed during the fight was something I found interesting. Raven mentioned that if Vanessa had wanted to kill her she would have transformed…why? Wouldn’t that but Vanessa at a serious disadvantage because the transformations cause her a lot of pain? I felt like they were both more equal in their human forms than otherwise.
Chapter 5:
His gasping breath stays behind me, along with an occasional thunk as he falls to the ground. He is naturally clumsy and can't even walk without falling over something, let alone run. – But he just took out a pile of Fire-Eaters…I feel like this might be for comic relief, but it really doesn’t fit here. He’s been running and not falling, so that he would all of a sudden continually fall just seems odd.
Their conversation was extremely awkward. Oh, by the way, I’m engaged, just thought you should know. Alrighty. Sounds good?
you've MAGICALLY popped back up in my life acting like we could be a thing again! - Well, I mean I know she did, but I didn’t really think she’d given any indication to him. Unless I missed something huge…
Nice touch with the lyrics. I liked that addition, they fit in well the way they were included.
Well the last scene was interesting. I was definitely curious as to how their interaction was going to end up. Auxilry is interesting to me because she’s been painted as so clearly evil. I find that I prefer characters who are evil but have motives or reasons that are understandable. I have yet to find a single redeeming feature in her so she’s functioning more as the boogeyman in the closet as opposed to a character one is actually able to feel conflicted over. But I suppose we all need something to completely loathe that doesn’t deserve a chance at redemption (even if they never choose to take it).
I liked these two chapters; here the revisions you made become glaringly obvious as they completely shift the direction/style of the story. On that note, your writing style seems to have changed substantially if I’m remembering the originals correctly. Not at all a bad thing. Now I’m off to read chapter six!

Author's Response: I'll be honest with you, Auxilry is one of my all time favourite characters. There is a story behind her, though I'm not sure if I'll get it written in because I can't imagine her actually telling Raven her story.

I'm not sure what to say, it's alot of advise to process at once. Thanks for taking the time :D


 Report Review

Review #50, by CrazyForYou A Bloody Mess

20th June 2011:
Alrighty, so I typed up my review for the first three chapters in word and it's ridiculously long, so here it is. I'll post my review for chapter four with chapter five.

Hey, I think you’ve done a lot of work on the original three chapters, nice job! You definitely cleared up a lot of the questions I had and added a nice introduction to the characters rather than just throwing them into the story. I like the initial dream; I think it’s definitely plausible that the dream serves as a trigger for her unease in the subsequent chapters. That said, you have Raven feeling very upset about a variety of things, even if she only had the dream today. So I’m torn between thinking that the dream is a significant turning point and the idea that it wasn’t because she has always had these thoughts. The problem with that is then I’m unsure as to how she rose in the ranks and why she’s still there…why she every joined them anyway. I understand her aunt’s words were powerful but at the same time I’ve having a hard time imagining that she was able to wake up one day and rebel against said words.
On a similar note, she seems to have the same hero/saving-people complex that Harry has. Not sure if this matters yet, but just be careful that you don’t make them too similar.

In terms of word choice/grammar, you had a couple of errors in each chapter.

Chapter 1:
Vanessa dismounts me – that sounds really awkward. You might as well say “gets off of me” or if you prefer, “releases me”

After the three, she created nine others who had similar weaker aspects, until her magic feigned. Besides for the original Twelve, no one could change into a werewolf whenever they wanted, and their magic was weaker. – The word should be waned, not feigned. So it should be “until her magic waned.” “After the three” should be “After the third” “Besides for the original Twelve,” should read “aside from the original Twelve”

Sure, Vanessa and Nydia are the other two. They can change into werewolves at whim also, except it puts them into severe pain. – Of course is probably a better term than sure. “werewolves at whim” should be either “werewolves at will” or “werewolves on a whim.” It “puts them in severe pain”, not “into”

I liked the allusions to Vanessa’s bloodthirst this chapter and the way it ties into Chapter 2. The attention to detail helps make the story flow better even if it isn’t consciously noticed.

Chapter 2:
screams from the dying – I like this phrase except for the fact that it’s used in conjunction with the Avada Kedavra curse. At that point I’m confused. Why? Because it kills instantly. People that are hit with it don’t have time to scream as they die. Other can, but that’s not what this sentence implies. I’d change the first part to include something about vicious curses being used or something in order to allow for the possibility of people screaming while they die.

I was only the icon and could be killed and replaced in the blink of an eye. – she’s the pure-bred icon. How can they replace her if everyone else is inferior? She clearly has some value.

If I ran away, Auxilry would hunt me down, and kill everything I love. – What does she love? Her two friends? Well they obviously can’t all be killed otherwise all the Fire-Eaters will be unable to transform at will. Thus there really won’t be anyone in command.

because of loyalty to me. – just me being picky here, but “out of loyalty to me” flows better.

who’s stayed – should be who has. Who’s or anything ‘s implies the contraction of is.

therefore is why she’s with the Fire-Eaters – that is why she’s with the Fire-Eaters.

I liked the end scene with the man with blue eyes. I like that he wasn’t the mysterious man yet, it adds to the suspense and keeps the story moving.

Chapter 3:
I grimly open my eyes to the sun outside. – Not sure why you’d open your eyes and look at the sun first thing…maybe re-phrase this one to say something about the sun lighting her room and her opening her eyes to that.

so much death its beginning to take a toll on her. – should be it’s

When I was the weakest, he shows up on my doorstep, and Vanessa orders me to kill him. – when I was at my weakest. I’m not sure why Vanessa has the right to order her around. Last I checked General was higher than Sergeant.

Interesting introduction to the character of Teddy; his resignation in the face of death was interesting. If he thinks she hated him I’m surprised he didn’t try to lash out more. But I liked this introduction a lot more. I really don’t like Vanessa in this new revised version. She’s stepping out of her place and I miss the fact that she’s not really a true friend to Raven. But eh.

I'm still liking your story!
~CrazyForYou

Author's Response: Thanks for the critique! I'll get on that.

There'll be a bit more explanation to Vanessa's character in chapter 7. Thanks for your hard work in reviewing :D


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>