Reading Reviews for Impenetrable
  
92 Reviews Found

Review #26, by The Christmas Fairy The Entrance

1st January 2012:
Hello, Naida,

I thought that chapter 5 was great - a real step up! You wanted to get feedback on your cliffhanger, and I think you did a great job here. It made me really curious to know what will happen next.

I do worry a bit that Tom has managed to get into the chamber so early in your story, if it is novel length, but I look forward to finding out where you are going to take it next.

I spotted one mistake - The sentence 'Amaya pushed started up the stairs for the boys’ dorms.' has an extra word in it.

Author's Response: Thanks! The sad thing is that I had to skim through chapter 5 again *headdesk* I'm getting so out of touch with this story. But thank you for the lovely review. I decided that Tom getting into the Chamber early was necessary to move the plot along, because I really did want to set it up as a parallel to CoS. Thank you for your thoughts on this!

-Naida


 Report Review

Review #27, by The Christmas Fairy The Slug Club

1st January 2012:
So here we are in Chapter 4! I enjoyed the discussion between Tom and Ella at the beginning, and I thought Amaya's reaction was very well written. I also really liked the Slug Club dinner - it was fun to read.

There were a couple of things that I wasn't keen on though. The first was the letter from Amaya's mother. It isn't the idea of an arranged marriage that I have an issue with (I actually think this is very interesting and does give the extra layer you were looking for), as much as the concept that her mother would write months in advance to tell her, but then not give her a name. I think this could use a little more thought. The second one was Tom's plan with the sticking solution. It felt a little convoluted for Tom to just have thought it up in an instant. I think it would work better to have Tom puzzle it out a little bit more slowly.

And finally, I would also like a little more on just why Amaya has a problem with Avery. That could definitely be expanded on, and I think it would really enhance the chapter.

One picky thing - You don't need an apostrophe in O.W.L.s

Author's Response: Meeehhh, this is my least favorite chapter. It's the one that's going to be close to completely rewritten as I'm editing. And your advice is definitely being taken into account.


As for Amaya's letter, at the time I wrote this, the idea I had for it was /very/ small. It was going to only be there to push Amaya to do something with Tom. Now, it's grown a lot and it's basically half of the entire plot. So that part is going to be reworked-I'm planning for the part with the name to have been smudged so that Amaya can't read it/Avery ripped it out. And the letter she wrote to ask her parents will be the one she dropped in the hall later on. So hopefully that will be better.

And Tom can definitely puzzle things over more-will fix.

Thank you so much for all the cc! It's incredibly beneficial!


 Report Review

Review #28, by The Christmas Fairy The Bathroom

1st January 2012:
Hi, Naida!

I enjoyed this chapter very much. I think that Tom is developing very nicely, and I loved your closing line. I think I'd like to see a bit more from Amaya than simply obsessing about Tom - something a little more feisty, perhaps, but there's plenty of time for that.

I really liked Professor Merrythought. I thought she was just nasty enough to be entertaining, and the little touch about her hair was fun. The way you introduced the information about the basilisk in the bathroom was very well done - although in British English, you should say 'tap' rather than 'faucet'.

If I was going to make one criticism, I'd say that Tom worked out that the monster was a basilisk a bit quickly. I think you could have drawn this out a little more. I also would have liked Tom to be a little less certain that he could control it. I know Tom needs to be arrogant, but possibly this is a step too far.

One picky thing - phrases like 'zoning out' and 'no kidding' are a bit modern for a story set in the 1940s

Overall, I think you did a great job here.

Author's Response: Amaya's just awful in the early parts of this. You're being way too kind to me ♥

Merrythought was incredible entertaining to write. You need that one nasty teacher in there ;) Thanks for the Brit-picking as well.

Tom is a bit too smart, I agree. This shall be fixed as well. I hope :P

Thank you once more and I think I've FINALLY answered all these reviews :D

-Naida


 Report Review

Review #29, by The Christmas Fairy The Prefects

1st January 2012:
Hi, Naida! The Fairy is here with a review of chapter 2

I enjoyed the banter between Amaya and Anabel. They have a fun dynamic, and although you described this chapter as filler, I think it did an important job in introducing us to the other Slytherins and their personalities.

Again, I thought the flashback worked very well, a good insight into Tom's first day at Hogwarts. I also like that you are not trying to make Tom to be a misunderstood hero. I hope you continue in this vain, but I will soon find out:-)

My pick list for the chapter is as follows:

'the sound of rain hitting the pavement was eminent.' I'm not sure 'eminent' is the right word. Maybe 'prominent'?

Eustace is misspelt at one point.

Author's Response: This is actually my least favorite chapter *hides*. Definitely necessary, as you said, but I personally don't like it much. And I definitely don't want Tom to be a hero. No, I more want to show his evilness :P

Thanks!

-Naida


 Report Review

Review #30, by The Christmas Fairy The Mission

1st January 2012:
Hello, Naida! Happy New Year from your very own Christmas Fairy!

This is the first story I have read featuring Ton Riddle. He's a character I have mostly avoided so far, because I've never been sure how much I could ever develop any empathy for him. Personally, I like to have an MC that I can feel some sort of connection to and I doubt I'll ever find that with Riddle.

I think chapter 1 of Impenetrable is an encouraging start, though. Using Amaya as a second MC is clever, because I think I can already feel some empathy for her. I thought you set up her home situation and personality very nicely, and I thought the flashback to sorting also worked well.

I'm looking forward to reading more. Next chapter!

I have just one picky thing for you:
'With such few people, there was a greater chance of someone spotting him as he disappeared' should read 'With so few people'

Author's Response: -fail at answering reviews- Sorry, love!

I know exactly what you mean about needing to connect to the main character, which is why I had Amaya in there. You picked up on that too, though! I *like* writing the villain though, for whatever weird reason, so that's why there's both POVs. And thanks for that correction!

-Naida


 Report Review

Review #31, by AC_rules Celebration

29th December 2011:
Hey there Naida :)
I really liked this chapter but it definately made it occur to me that they're all so young. Fifteen years old! Man, that really is young. Anyway, before I get too distractedly by wistfully thinking of my own youth (pah) I thought this was a really great chapter (as always).

Some of your ideas are so original and perfect I want to peel them off my screen and save them for later (telepathic basilisk connection, much? How hard of a word is basilisk to spell, on that note). Tom was great as aways, as was Amaya.

(Happy birthday, Amaya!)

I like how she didn't seem that obsessive in this chapter. Maybe there is hope for her yet :)

Oh and you said you're having Tom-troubles? Feel free to PM me at any point in time and I'd see if I could help you in some way. I am nearly always available :P

Can't wait for the next!

-AC

Author's Response: I WAS HOPING TO GET A REVIEW FOR YOU. And now I'm ignoring all my other lovely reviews to answer this one >.< Anyways, thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked the telepathic basilisk connection stuff, because I quite frankly thought it was a bit cheesy xD As for Amaya, we shall see...And I'm totally going to take you up on that offer! I've actually had this chapter sitting around for a while *hides* so I should probably try again, but I shall definitely PM you when the need arises. Hey, you're writing a story in the same era now. WE CAN BE BUDDIES.

Can you tell that it's midnight again? xD

Thank you again for the revieeew! *hugs*

-Naida


 Report Review

Review #32, by whatyouonabout An Attack

6th December 2011:
I definitely want you to keep posting chapters! because I just found Tom Riddle fanfics, and I'm kind of obsessing with this fandom.
I like how you have 2 kind of storylines going on.
Amaya trying to get Tom to notice her, and Tom finding the Chamber of Secrets.
Do they ever get together?! AND HOW DO THEY DO IT?

Anyway, I like your story, please keep going!! ;D

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Tom Riddle was an odd choice for me, actually, because I tend to stray away from fics involving him, but when plot bunnies hit, there's no stopping them xD I definitely WILL keep posting chapters. And the 2 storylines is definitely something I'm going for here. Ooh, keep reading to find out what happens in the end! *refrains from giving hints* Thanks again for taking the time to review!

-Naida


 Report Review

Review #33, by AC_rules An Attack

23rd November 2011:
Hey there,
First off CONGRATS AGAIN ON FINISHING NANO! I'm SO proud of you!

Secondly, this chapters was great! I don't know what you're talking about! I love it when you read a story and you can feel it getting better and batter the more you read, and this is one of thoes. Again Tom is brilliantly in characters - not quite evil yet, but getting there slowly - which is realyy good.

Nice bit of action too. You know that I'm terrible at reviewing things but yeah, I really enjoyed this chapter and I've missed that story.

One thing, quite odd, is sometimes you've started a new paragraph and the first word, usually 'I' is just sort of floating up there at the end of the last. I guess you just added the return in the wrong place, but you might want to go fix that so I have nothing what so ever to complain about :)

Exceeleenntte :D

-ac

Author's Response: HI! (I'm answering this at midnight, so apologies if this makes no sense at all)

Thank you!! I would put a heart in there, but the archive won't let me, so we'll pretend, okay? I'm really glad to hear that I'm improving! I definitely don't feel like the same author today as I was six months ago (Wow, has it really been that long...?), so I'm glad that it shows through in my writing too. Tom will hopefully become a lot more twisted by the end of this...I really wanted to show some character development for him too!

Ooh, thanks for that, I'll go back in and see if I can fix it. It might have been one of the weird things that happen when I struggle with the formatter xD It hates me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

-Naida


 Report Review

Review #34, by kestral14 An Attack

23rd November 2011:
This story is really great! Keep up the good work, because I can't wait to see what happens next!

Author's Response: THANK YOU SO MUCH!! Simple reviews like this really make my day better :D Thanks for taking the time to write this down!

-Naida


 Report Review

Review #35, by Jes An Attack

22nd November 2011:
You should be happy with this update! Your writing is brilliant. I found myself checking this story every few days for an update and nearly jumped out of my skin this morning when I saw chapter seven was up! :)
Keep up the great work!

Author's Response: Oh my gosh, this review nearly made me cry. I didn't think ANYONE checked this story for updates! Thank you so much! I always get the best feeling when someone tells me something as simple as this, so thank you for taking the time to review!

-Naida


 Report Review

Review #36, by rebekah123 The Prefects

5th October 2011:
awsomee uggh 20 charactersss .

Author's Response: Thank you!

 Report Review

Review #37, by rebekah123 The Mission

5th October 2011:
this is really good! cant wait to see what happens

Author's Response: Thanks, hun! Love getting reviews like this!

 Report Review

Review #38, by Jade Sterling The Mission

28th September 2011:
Oh! Your character Amaya seems so sweet! And I really like your Tom! He's very sweet and chaming, cannot wait to see what he turns out to be later one! *continues to chapter 2*

Author's Response: Aw, thanks you! Your review made me incredibly happy! Thanks for taking the time to review and read on :D
-Naida


 Report Review

Review #39, by strawberrydarhling The Basilisk

18th September 2011:
Please update soon, I am really enjoying this!

Author's Response: Thank you, hun! I'll try my best!

 Report Review

Review #40, by strawberrydarhling The Entrance

18th September 2011:
Love the cliffhanger!

Author's Response: Thanks! :D Your reviews made my day!

 Report Review

Review #41, by strawberrydarhling The Slug Club

18th September 2011:
I am really enjoying this!

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

 Report Review

Review #42, by ravenclaw_princess The Mission

11th September 2011:
Yay, I get to review another one of your stories :)

This story has so much potential. Tom Riddle is such an interesting character which we only know snippets about so I have high hopes for this story. And the first chapter didn't disappoint.

I liked your characterisation of Tom. He's a difficult character to master but I think you've done well with taking what JR gave us and adding your own interpretations. He is obviously well liked, but he has loyalties to no one but himself. I wonder what he has done to gain everyone's admiration. While he isn't one for friendships, you can see him all ready plotting how to use his fan club for his advantage. His hatred of muggleborns is all ready clearly established in him now.

Amaya is interesting. She seems quite conflicted with where she belongs but is very much giving in to her parents and their beliefs. I'm imagining that she has no idea of Tom's true thoughts or she wouldn't be interested in him. She seemed quite shy around Tom, yet also so adamant that she would secure Tom. I'm not sure what she is like around other guys, but she's a mess around him. She seemed a lot more easy going when she was with Anabel at the end.

As for your writing, it was wonderfully paced and flowed well. Your descriptions were beautiful for both the environment and the characters thoughts.

I recommend adding a section break where it moves from Tom to Amaya, and then again when re return to Tom. I also noted that there was a point where Amaya was the starting word for about 5 paragraphs in the row, so I'd change that up a bit. I sometimes have this problem too :) The only other thing is that Tom was at school in about the 1930's or something and some of the language and behaviour is a little too modern. It's entirely up to you though how authentic time wise you want the story to sound.

Once again, you have crafted a very lovely first chapter to the story. The plot is engaging and the characters are really nicely characterised so far. It's also written so well; I really do love reading your stories.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review. Once again, I love them. So full of content. I actually did just send an edit of this into the queue before you wrote the review, changing some of the language and adding section breaks, because I've gotten quite a few reviews telling me to do so. Glancing at the edited version, I think the whole Amaya thing is fixed too, but thanks for pointing that out! I'll definitely keep an eye out for it in the future.

Surprisngly, Tom is a failry easy character to write for me. I do plan to reveal quite a bit about him, and I'm so glad that you like his characterization.

Amaya is more compliacted for me. But what you said about her is pretty perfect, so I suppose what I wanted to come through did. Yay! She really is a lot of the typical lovestruck teenage girl :P

Thanks again for the amazing review!
-Naida


 Report Review

Review #43, by SilentConfession The Prefects

10th September 2011:
Alright, i'm glad i've seen a bit more into Amaya, she seems a lot more catty in this chapter than the last. I am not sure what i feel about it yet but i'm glad to see another dimension added onto her. I'm curious how this and her Gryffindor side will play together in later chapters.

I felt like there was a bit too much conversation in the last bit of the chapter. I didn't really see it in my head and it would have been lovely to have some narrative to guide the readers mind to what was gonig on.

You've still left me curious about Tom and his motivations of blood purity. I think you have him characterized well with being popular and putting up with people just because he knows they will be useful later, but i also feel like he could go deeper. Just carrying on Salazaar's work isn't deep enough or at least i'd like to see why he cares so much about Salazaar.

I liked the flashback with Tom and seeing his own ignorance of Hogwarts. I can imagine this ignorance pushed him into making sure he was never ignorant again. I think you have a good start and Amaya seems like a typical teenager who gets very aggressive with her crush, good job with that!

Author's Response: *sighs* Thank you so so much for these reviews! I definitely need to edit these, because she's not catty at all in the long run. Your comment about the conversation is definitely correct, and I think my writing style has changed too. Tom's infatuation with Salazar is actually going to be explained...but I will definitely consider putting in hints. You have no idea how excellent this review was for me! Thank you so so much!
-Naida


 Report Review

Review #44, by SilentConfession The Mission

10th September 2011:
Hi Naida! i'm finally here for the reviews i promised you!! i'm SO SO SO sorry it's taken so long but life is so hectic! First of all i think this story does have potential and i see a lot of character development that will yet to come considering some of the statements made. You writing style is lovely and your word usage is brilliant, you do have the ability to paint a lovely picture with words. Great job with that.

I'm curious of Amaya, i think she has tremendous potential but i'm also a little confused about her. I feel anxious mostly when i read that she didn't agree with her pure-blood upbringing and yet she has a crush on Riddle who becomes one of the most evil blood purifying tyrants of all time. I'm curious to see what she sees in him and what draws her to him. I guess i will see in further chapters. i do see the start of a good OC though, just be sure to show us some of her faults as well.

On to Tom. I think you've done a good job with him, there are some comments like "At first, it had been entertaining, but he was sick of receiving terrified looks wherever he went." I'm curious to see his personal growth through this story and how he learns to enjoy that. I think that his putting up a politician persona is very good and is how he would act.

Overall i think you have an intruiging start and i wish you luck!

Author's Response: No problem at all! I completely understand how that can be. I'm almost considering rewriting these first few chapters. I feel like I've improved a ton, and everything you're pointing out about Amaya (I hope) improves. Her character and the direction of the story has changed since i first posted this chapter...I'm glad she doesn't seem too bad though! Tom's character is easier for me, so I'm glad that it's working. Thank you so much for the review! Definitely put a lot into perspective for me.

 Report Review

Review #45, by AC_rules The Entrance

6th August 2011:
I love your characterisation of Tom and how hes so irritated about everyone trying to catch his attention and about how mundane they all are. He's not quite evil at this point (and I hope that he'll become more evil by the end of the story) but hes definately cold and detached.

I can't wait to see the outcome of Amaya's scheming and my mind is boggling at the idea of Tom smiling kindly which sounds almost as terrifying as Tom giving you a hug xD

Ravenclaw!!

Author's Response: I figure that Tom won't be all evil until he starts on his horcruxes, but he definitely will progress in this :D Thanks so much for the review! It really made my day!

 Report Review

Review #46, by cherishiskisa The Mission

6th August 2011:
I was really hoping that someone would do a TR/OC fic where she tries to capture his cold heart.
He is honestly WAY too hot to go on without a girlfriend.
Nicely written, interesting, and brilliant plot line so far!
10/10 :D

Author's Response: Thank you so much! This made me so happy!

 Report Review

Review #47, by AC_rules The Basilisk

4th August 2011:
So I read this chapter before now and I intended to review, and I can't remember why I didn't. Anyway, I love the development your making with this story - with Amaya not getting any further whatsoever but with Tom actually making progress. At first it really through me when there were other things Tom had to do to get to the chamber of secrets, but then when i thought about it it made a lot of sense. I suppose that Tom got Ginny to break through all the enchantments the next time? Or that he'd already broken them so didn't have to again. Anyway, lovely chapter and I'm stilll really enjoying this story :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so glad you like it! Its a huge compliment, coming from you. My thought process was that once he had broken through the enchantments once, he wouldnt have to do it again. Thanks again for all the compliments and the amazing review!
-Naida


 Report Review

Review #48, by Jes The Basilisk

26th July 2011:
Hi, :)
I just wanted to say I really love this fic. Your writing is beautiful and flows really well, which makes this story even more enjoyable. I've been trying to find stories about Tom Riddle when he was at school, and this seems to be the best one so far, so keep up the amazing work!
- Jes

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Wow. To hear that this is the best story about Tom Riddle at school you've read is an amazing compliment. I'm sure I don't deserve that, but that you so much! It really made my day!
-Naida


 Report Review

Review #49, by FredWeaslypartnerincrime The Basilisk

24th July 2011:
Nice, very nice, i hope you edit this further. It would make more sense if you did the same in the chamber of secrets, petrifying till myrtls death. maybe you could do a bit on myrtl in the story, introduce her and the like. you also need rubeus hagrid, and aragog, maybe a bit of suspence as hagrid hides him. I really enjoy this story, keep up the good work!

Fred- your Partner in work

Author's Response: Yes, I do plan to continue this :) Thank you for the review, and I'm glad you like it :D
-Naida


 Report Review

Review #50, by Miss Lily Potter The Mission

19th July 2011:
Hi! You requested a review a while ago and I'm a terrible person who's just getting to it. ><

I like this start. (: I like Amaya, I don't think she's a Sue. I'm a bit confused as to where her loyalties lie, but I think that's just because it's the first chapter.

I'm a bit confused about Tom as well, but from what we know about him in canon you seem to have gotten him pretty spot-on. I like how he pretends to pay attention; it seems like him, always wanting to put on a good face.

It seems really modern to use the word 'gossip' back then, but other than that, a really good chapter. (:

Author's Response: Hello! Don't worry about taking a while. My own review thread has been abandoned for a month :( busy time of year.

I'm glad you like the start of this! I think the characters get clearer as the story progresses, or at least I hope. Amaya's loyalties are confusing because she's confused about them too XD

Thanks again for the review! Really appreciate it!


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page   Jump:     Next Page>