Intriguing. Very intriguing. To be honest, I've avoided this story because it seems like it would be scary. And maybe it still will be but I don't care now that I'm reading this. I'm impressed, first of all, that you're doing this story in 2nd person. Not sure if you're going to keep it up the entire way but it's interesting and I like reading stories like that. I think it harks back to my old "Goosebump" stories (if you don't know what that is then I'm sorry, Google it :P ).
The language was wonderful. Though the sentences tended to run long here and there, I don't care. I think it creates a wonderful effect especially since we're basically in Molly's mind and I don't worry about sentence structure in my own head. No grammar or spelling errors which is so relieving because I'm nitpicky and those tend to distract me, even if a little.
You wanted to lose yourself, she wanted to find herself and, somewhere along the line, you met each other. - the idea of schizophrenia in the wizarding world, though this is probably more than just that, is interesting. I can see the family around her, in their actions and the thoughts of Molly, worry about her and want her to get better. But I also see Molly's rejection of their opinions. I myself help a lot of people through different trials in life and it's such a natural reaction.
All in all, this is a start that has captured my imagination so I shall keep reading (soon). :)
xCharAuthor's Response: Haha, honestly I'm not sure if it will be scary or not (I'm the kind of person who doesn't get scared by things I read so I'm a really bad judge of that), so I can only shrug about that. Yeah, the second person is going to be around for the entire story! It's interesting for me coz this is the first thing I ever wrote in it. Goosebump stories! Ah, I remember those! :D Thanks!
Yeah, I ramble. A lot. Numerous teachers have told me off for using incredibly long sentences, lol.
It's not quite schizophrenia... more schizophrenia in a very literal sense, I suppose, lol. I'm glad you think it's a natural reaction, as I have no experience with anything like this at all, either in reading or RL, so it's a bit of a stab in the dark for me.
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Aph xx Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! Wow, I'm early, aren't I? =P Couldn't wait!
How do you do it? Seriously. How do you pull it off without confusing anybody? The start? It was AMAZINGLY done. Really. Had it been written by someone else or even slightly differently, I would've gotten confused and wondered what was happening and why, all of a sudden, everything was in third person. But with you and your excellent writing, I simply got pulled into the story as if by magnet and completely forgot that I was supposed to be confused. Seriously. I didn't care that something was different and that I was reading some other story in this story. I just wanted to read on and on and get the feel of it all. I couldn't stop reading, because, I knew, that eventually, everything will be set right and the confusion I'm supposed to be feeling, wouldn't be necessary. Excellent, wonderful, marvelous job. Brilliant! =D
I really like the names you chose for your characters of the book. Of course, it's obvious that they're more than just book characters in the story so they had to have awesome names, right? =P Malea, Medora and Malcolm. Nice =) Ah. Malea. I have to say that I really like her character. She's pure Slytherin in a way which makes her all the more interesting as she's so different from Molly. Then there's her infatuation with Lestrange. That, I think, is one very intriguing idea. I had never thought that I would view Lestrange as a very tempting guy but Malea's point of view changed that. It was like I, too had a crush on him. =P Sounds weird, yes, but awesome writing does that to me. ;)
You did a good job with describing Malea's life and her feelings all in a small excerpt. It was only a few hundred words but you managed to convey her life story very beautifully and acquainted your readers with her personality very well. I loved the way you showed her relationship with her brother and sister and what she thought of her parents' opinions. The part where she considered improving her studies just so that Lestrange could notice her, that part made me laugh for some reason. It was so naive that I couldn't help but smile at it all. =) Again, very good work with it all.
And then we come back to reality and the all wonderful second person that you have so brilliantly executed. The dream/ nightmare that Molly had was written very well and at the point where it morphed and turned into something like a real vision, my heart starting beating faster. Really. It was like I had gotten out of bed and was trying to listen in to what was going on. The way you described it and the suspenseful feel that you gave to it all, that was just great. I was pulled in even deeper, standing along with Molly, trying to figure out what the French phrases meant. =P
The plot has finally started to unravel which is great! I've fallen in love with the story already and can't wait to see how you take it forward! This chapter was one of the best I've ever read and would ever read. It just had a very familiar feel for me for some reason and I felt attached to it after reading it. Wouldn't ever forget how brilliant it was. I think that if I could I would actually give you a standing ovation right now, just because the chapter that marks a very important turn in your story was written so brilliantly that it highlights the events within it even more. Wonderfully done!
Ah, that's it from me at the moment! =) Update soon! I'll be looking forward to it! I hope you like this review as much I liked your chapter! =) Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =DAuthor's Response: Wow, I really wasn't expecting it so fast! I'm very impressed, lol - seriously, I don't know how you do it :D
Gosh *blush* I honestly don't know. It was kinda a gamble when I was writing it - I knew I wanted to do it like that and why I wanted to do it like that - but I had no idea if it would work... Ah, gosh I'm so glad you liked it and thought it worked! So so glad! :D
I love choosing names for characters! They have to fit them, you know? Suit them, in a way. There's also a much younger sister called Melisandra, just to complete the pattern :P Thank you! I really really hoped when I first wrote her that she would be obviously different from Molly, because they are kinda similar and, well, that would be kinda awkward, lol. I chose Lestrange mostly because it's always Snape/Lucius/etc. and I wanted to use someone different, who I could sort of mould to do the things I want them to do without them being out of character, you know? Haha, thanks! Don't get too attached to him, though... or, maybe you should. ;)
I wasn't sure if pushing that much information in such a small space and with so little action would get boring or not, but it was fun to write and kinda necessary for later bits of the plot and things... haha, yeah, it's a silly idea, really, but people don't always think straight when they're infatuated, do they? *cough* James Potter Sr. *cough* :D
Ah, the dream! Yeah, the dream is perhaps more significant than you realise ;) Thank you! I never honestly thought I could do suspense (I'm very impatient in RL, and the two don't seem like they're compatible), so... ah! Thank you! :D (Writing the French was probably the hardest bit of the entire chapter, I think. I was paranoid over getting the grammar/phrasing wrong, lol)
Oh my gosh! Thank you so so much! I honestly don't really know what to say in reply to that, it's just... gah, so lovely! :D Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for the wonderful, wonderful review!
p.s. Thank you so so much for being a lovely, lovely reviewer! You've picked up on pretty much everything so far and it just makes me grin like an idiot. I love all your reviews! (I've actually read this one over at least once a day since I got it, just because it makes me feel so happy :D) So, yeah, thank you! Report Review
I really got into this while reading it! I think you started out well; your description of the library and the books really set the scene for us to fall into. It feels really natural when you read it because of your attention to detail.
The second-person narrative technique isn't something I've read before, or something I've ever used for a whole chapter.
However, I think you've pulled it off really well and it was very effective in capturing Molly's perspective of things, such as her feelings about eating and how she feels about reading - again, all pulled off through excellent description and a wide use of adjectives.
The switch of narrative towards the end with the use of 'she' rather than 'you' changed the tone as it fitted, creating a really mysterious atmosphere about the plot. I'm left with questions, a lot of questions I want filling in from this...what is the potion she's taking, what is the backstory, how did this 'other' Molly come about and what is she going to do?
I'm not normally a reader of Next-Gen stories, but I will definitely try and find time to continue this fic, as I think it's well-written and has an interesting foundation upon which to continue.Author's Response: Thanks! :D I was kinda description-obsessed when writing this (still am, really) so that's why it's so heavy. I'm glad you thought it worked, though!
I've never used second person before this and now I really like it, tbh. It's kinda fun :P It's so good to hear that you think it works and like it - I'm always nervous as to what people think about it, since everything makes sense to me as the author, lol!
Haha, I'm glad you're left with questions! That was my intention... all of those questions will be answered, I promise! ;) Just, you know, maybe not soon... :P
Seriously? Wow, I'm really flattered by that. Thanks so much! That's amazing! :D
Thank you so much for this lovely review - and I'm so happy I've converted you to Next Gen (even if only a little :P)!
Aph xx Report Review
I was really thrown when I started reading this and it wasn't in your beautiful second person but instead your beautiful first person. Then it all clicked into place and I did a mental cheer because the transition was so clever and well done and ah. I love the whole concept of this and now it's really hotting up.
Her confusion was just so perfect with the whole dream, the whole idea behind Rodolphus being dark and the other being light, and all the description in this was just as beautiful and clean and wonderful as ever.
I loved everything about this and, I swear it, next time I'll be up to date with this chapter and will review without being pushed by a review swap! Thanks for writing such a wonderful story - you really are very fabulous :D
-ACAuthor's Response: Haha, sorry! I'm glad you liked it, though - I was really worried it would be too confusing/weird/etc. coz I've never read anything where that happens so it was a bit of a leap in the dark.
Ah, the dream... :P There's more confusion to come for poor Molly, but I'm glad you think it works well! The light/dark thing I really didn't do intentionally, but when I created Adonis I looked at him and was sort of like 'huh. They're like opposites'. Thanks! :D
Haha, don't worry about it! I'm still behind on reviewing Azkaban (I will review every chapter of it, even if it kills me!), so it's not that big a deal :D
Thank you for the wonderful review! (And you're welcome for the story!)
Aph xx Report Review
AH! I love reading about Quidditch- it's one of those things that I don't go out of my way to read but when I do read it I really enjoy it.
The characterisation (is still) brilliant! Victoire was written really good and I love the family dynamic between all of them; it was such an original way to write them :) Molly's crush is intriguing me. I want to know who he is! IS HE FROM THE BOOK THAT SHE IS ABOUT TO READ? OR MENTIONED IN IT? (Sorry, random speculations about what happens next haha).
Once again, the pace is good. You wrote the Quidditch really well (A lot of Quidditch stories are too fast paced and i'm like "whaa?")
That last line! What a cliffhanger! I think I'm just going to go ahead and read the next chapter without you even asking haha.
JasAuthor's Response: Haha, that's good because I quite enjoy writing it. It's pretty fun - even if you do have to find surnames for fourteen people, plus a commentator, etc.
I've got to admit, I was most worried about Victoire because she was the one I was least sure about in my head, but she seems to have come across alright. Haha, the crush unfortunatly isn't from the book or mentioned in it, but I'm glad you're intrigued... and I shall say no more! :P
Quidditch is fun to write! It was hard to get the pacing in terms of the Snitch and abilities - you know, not to make Louis seem too good - but, hm... I enjoyed it!
I love cliffhangers! I hate reading them, but I love using them!
I'm so glad you enjoyed it - and thank you so so much for the really lovely reviews!
Aph xx Report Review
I love this story! It's so original! I adore the imagery and description you are using in this story. I think this chapter has to be the best so far.
The characterisation has been consistent throughout the past three chapters which is really good :) I still love how you've written Molly as a normal teenage girl (in a lot of fan fictions they have dramatic storylines, hide behind an attitude etc. etc.) and I like Dominique as well. There is a bit of debate whether she is a girl or a boy but to me she'll always be a girl :)
Ooo! Molly has a crush; can't wait to see where this goes :) Honestly, I can't find anything wrong with this story: the pace is well set out and you've written in 2nd person so beautifully :)
*Jumps to the next chapter eagerly*
JasAuthor's Response: I'm kinda obsessed with imagery and description, lol, so I'm glad you like it! Really? Honestly, I can barely remember what happens in this chapter... thanks!
Dominique is always a girl to me too! I tried to make them both as normal as possible, while still being somewhat removed from the 'normal' of their family, if that makes sense. Like Dom's a Slytherin and Molly's book-obsessed. I'm glad you like the characterisation, though - I have so much fun writing them!
Haha, yeah, she does. Or does she? lol.
Thank you so much for this review! (and particularly all the compliments! Report Review
javct45 here with your review! (again)
I had to have a quick read through the first chapter again (because I had almost forgotten what it was about) and have to say that I had almost forgotten just how much I loved your story! I adored this! It's such a unique storyline and it's written so well in second-person (which is a POV that is rare to find, and even rarer to find written well- which was what you have done)
I loved your characterisation. Next-Gen characters are pretty much OCs because we know so little about them but I love the wat you have written Molly. She's a girl; just a normal average girl (which is something you don't see very often in stories). Her fascination with Pride & Prejudice is amazing (Also, I might add, Pride & Prejudice is my favourite book)
I like the pace. It's not going too fast or too slow. I hope we learn the name of the seventh year Molly was talking too. Great chapter and onto the next one :D
JasAuthor's Response: It's good to see you back! :D
*blushes* Thanks so much! I'm still enjoying writing this (which is so rare for me) so everything seems to be going well - and the pov is actually getting to be quite fun :P
It really irks me when most OCs or characters have hugely complicated family lives/pasts/etc. so I really wanted to void that whole idea. Also, there's plenty of drama anyway :P I love that book too! And the films... ah, so good.
Ooh, the seventh year... I know his name! *smirks* You don't actually find out for a while, unfortunately, but he will turn up again, don't worry!
Thanks for the lovely, lovely review!
Aph xx Report Review
Wow this was really good. When I started my I was kind of worried. I haven't read much in the second person and every english teacher I know has told me to avoid it, but this was really good. You didn't introdce us to Molly, you made us Molly. I loved it.
The concept is good too. A witch that has some kind of mental disorder that magically came out of some book- its interesting. I'm going to read the next chapter now hopefully I'll run into you again in BvB review battleAuthor's Response: I've never been told not to use second person, lol, but then I've never written or read anything in second person either ;) I'm glad you liked it, though - it was a bit of an experiment, to be honest.
I'm glad you like the idea - I wasn't sure how it would go down, tbh, coz it seemed a little out there, you know? But it seems to be okay...
Thank you for this lovely review - and for wanting to read on! :D
Aph xx Report Review
Hi! It's Livingfairytale from the forums with your requested review. Let's get started!
First impression: So, basically I don't read a lot of next-gen stories. It's not that I dislike them very much, but I find it difficult to relate with characters we know so little about, if you know what I mean. Nevertheless, I must admit that this prologue really intrigued me.
Characterization & Plot: I think you did a really good job on the characterization. I usually avoid stories written from second point of view, because most of the time they are poorly written; but this was beautiful! It didn't bother me at all, even though using 'you' and 'she' was sometimes a little confusing. You created the right amount of suspense, without giving too much of the plot away, well done! I really want to know what happens next. And what is this potion all about? I'm way too curious!
Plot flow: It seems to me, you have the plot looking the way you want it to. It's flowing nicely, smoothly, without boring the reader.
Overall: I think you did an amazing job on this prologue! It got me curious to read more. Please feel free to re-request anytime you want! You're a great writer, keep it up!
x LivingfairytaleAuthor's Response: Haha, I know what you mean! I don't tend to read Hogwarts-era myself, so I totally get that ;) I'm glad it intrigued you, though, even if it isn't something you normally read!
I've actually never written anything in second person before - this was my first shot - so it was a pretty new experience for me. I used 'you' and 'she' to hopefully try and avoid confusion (sorry that it didn't completely work out! :D) and to try and separate the characterisation. Haha, I can't give anything away just yet ;) Sorry!
Ah, I'm so glad you think it's flowing nicely - I was so worried when I went back over it for the first time that it would be too slow or not enough to keep people interested! I am more relieved than you can imagine at the moment!
Thank you so much for this really lovely review!
Aph xx Report Review
Hello! I saw the fifth chapter of this was posted and I just couldn’t /help/ but read it before bed. I knew it would really jump into the realms of this book Molly found and all the secrets and events of the past contained within it. And the suspense of needing to sleep knowing this chapter was out wouldn’t have gone well…
Anyways, this chapter was, like the rest, amazing! It didn’t take me long to be drawn into the events of the chapter, trying to work out what was going on. I will admit, when I first started reading, I was totally lost about who the story was talking about. But then I remembered the book, and how that took place in Marauder era and the confusion left. And I don’t think you should change any part of that, despite my minor confusion. I don’t know quite how to put it into words that make sense, but that really helped draw me into reading.
Another thing I really enjoyed about that beginning part with Malea [which is an awesome name!] is that it was written in third person. I completely understand why you did that and I’m really glad you did that because it really helped differentiate between what era I was reading in. It made me mentally take note of which character I was following in the words, which made the transition between the two great.
Malea’s character, along with Medora, Melcolm, and Rodolphus have pretty good introductions in this chapter. I feel like I get a pretty good understanding of Malea’s character for sure, along with Melcolm, but I am looking forward to a bit more information on the others. It’s not necessarily that I don’t feel like I understand the other two, I think it’s more of I feel like I have more of an imcomplete picture. It’s nothing you have to worry about, as I’m sure their characters will become more prominent as the chapters go on, but something I thought I would mention…
And before moving on to the second part of the chapter, there were a couple wording and/or sentence structure things I noticed in the first half of the chapter:
“Alone of the pairs of eyes, she stayed looking, watching the way his face lit up when he laughed, the way he threw his head back.” –The beginning of this sentence throws me off a bit…I think it’s a bit repetitive maybe, and that’s what’s throwing it off? Definitely something to take a look at…
“Medora followed her gaze – it was hardly difficult, after all, and her sister’s infatuation with Rodolphus Lestrange wasn’t anything new.” –Instead of ‘and’ I think the better word would be ‘as,’ just for the sake of wording and the understanding of the sentence.
“What would be worst, though, was that, should such a thing happen, Rodolphus Lestrange would know. “ –‘worse’ instead of ‘worst’. I think that may be preference of word choice, so you don’t have to make the change, but I’m not sure.
Those are the only three things from that first part of the chapter, and really of the entire chapter. Because that second part? Absolutely beautiful. You further build on Molly’s character [I will eventually stop speaking of her characterization xD], and really give a new insight on what this book is doing to her. Well, at least the start of what this book is doing. And by that I mean the dream. Or nightmare. Or whatever it is. Because that? It was giving me the chills just reading it. It seems eerily strange and makes me wonder if it’s part of what’s going on in this diary/book or what. I actually felt sort of like Molly waking up from that dream: mildly disorientated and trying to figure out what exactly happened.
This really was a brilliant chapter! I’m so glad the story got an update and I decided to stay up to read it. Great job! Cannot wait for more! :D
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Oh my gosh - thank you! Thank you so so much! I can't honestly believe that you like this that much - seriously. I'm having trouble typing this... I think I might be in shock, lol. I just can't believe it... thank you so much! :D
A few other people have mentioned that it was confusing - that they weren't sure what was going on, so I was a bit concerned, but thank you for saying that you think it helps, rather than hinders! I was really worried...
Haha, thanks! I did have fun looking up the names for some of the characters. I actually originally intended to switch between third and second person for Molly and Malea (confusing, right? :P) at times, but then decided not to, lol. I still get confused between the two povs every now and then... :P
Yeah, I introduced the characters in Molly's era a lot more slowly, I think, which probably doesn't help, whereas here I kinda flung them all in. There will be more development on all of them, but I can't remember when that actually is... :D Sorry! I'll definitely bear that in mind when I do the next Malea bit, so thanks!
Hm... yes, I'll definitely take a look at that soon - and the other two changes as well. I see what you mean about it being a little off... thanks for pointing it out! Honestly, you're too good to me, you know that? :D
With the book, I'm really trying to show what the book's doing to her, rather than tell, you know? I'm not sure if it's working - but I'm so happy the dream/nightmare/thing (I'm not giving anything away :P) gave you chills. It is significant, but perhaps not obviously so...
Thank you so so much for this review! I really didn't expect it at all - and so many compliments with things I could improve on, as well as targetting (whether you realise it or not) everything I'm most worried about. Seriously, you're amazing! :) :) :)
Aph xx Report Review
I thought you did a wonderful job characterizing your characters throughout this chapter. Molly has such a nice depth to her. I thought that the setting was very well done and very well described. The pace was smooth and at first I was confused, but that's because I hadn't done a review on your story since I read it last. Once I remembered what I was reading about and that Molly had that book the begining made a lot more sense to me. It kind of threw off the flow, but like I said you need to read the previous chapters in order to understand this chapter.
I thought that it was very believable the way that you portrayed your characters emotions and mannerisms. I was happy when I saw at the bottom that you translated the French. I know a couple of languages, but French isn't one of them. I thought it was nice to see in a story though and it fit with what you were trying to convey.
I didn't see any typos or spelling problems which was nice. =)
I thought the jumps were very interesting. I always like it when a new thing gets introduced in a story. It can make it more complex which I love! I am certainly nervous about Molly and this book though...and the dream that she had...I can't wait to see what happens!
Keep up the great work! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Thank you! I only realised that it might be confusing after I'd put it in the queue and then I didn't want to change it - and, to be honest, I'm not really sure how I'd change it either. I'm glad it made sense when you remembered the book, though - that makes me feel better! ;)
Thanks! I wanted to include the French because (apart from the fact that I speak it) Lestrange is an actual French surname, so he kinda needs to be French. In my head, he and his brother are French *shrugs*
I'm glad the jumps weren't too confusing! Haha, this is probably going to get complex, lol. As for as Molly and the book and the dream are concerned... you're probably right to be worried ;)
Thanks so much for the lovely review!
Aph xx Report Review
Aph, you are doing a terrific job at distracting me from doing boring stuff like Maths revision :P
I'm loving these characters. Plus Malea and Medora are such awesome names, I just went EEMAGOSH at them, then ogled.
One teeny eeny miny bit of confusion: this is a next-gen right? So why is there Rodolphus Lestrange in the first bit with Malea.. Have I just missed something? o.O
I think I'm drooling over Rodolphus though ;)
I absolutely lurve the first two paragraphs-my favourites, definintely. 'she thought it looked more dashing. More princely.' Ah, so gorgeous!
This was all so great. As per usual ;)
LOVE YOU DARLING. Now I really have to go and do.stuff. Like Maths. Yeah (maths doesn't like me and I don't like quadratic equasions so we're all hunky dory really).Author's Response: Haha, I'm not sure what to say to that... er... I'm glad? :D ;)
They are fun names! I love picking out names for characters, even though I stress out over them, hehe. I'm glad you like the characters - I was a little unsure when I first wrote them because I knew how they were in my head, but they didn't seem to transfer well...
Ah yeah, lol. The bits in the book (i.e. the bits with Malea in) are Marauder-era, hence Rodolphus Lestrange and his delightful accent ;) (Don't worry, I kinda drool over him too, hehe)
Love you too! Report Review
Ah, we've really go to the exciting bit now! She's opened the book and I can't wait to see what happens. I guess there's a little more information about that now, which is good, but I for real can't wait for there to be more of this story to read and drool over because it's just so good.
Every time i read another chapter I'm just amazed by the ease of the narrative and the beautiful use of second person, it's startling how it doesn't make my head spin - but it doesn't. I love Victoire and Dom and Louis, they all seem so very real. I love that.
Oh yeah, that's another thing, I love how you've used JKs Hogwarts with things focused on like quidditch try outs rather than mad drama and such.
Anyway, another lovely chapter and I can't wait to read more :)
ACAuthor's Response: She's opened the book! :D Yeah, everything's going to pick up now... Thank you so much! :D
Thank you - it's got easier as I've written more of it, I think, and it's actually quite fun to write :) Ah, the cousins - I really, really want them to seem real so thank you for saying that! :D
I really hate stories which focus on having lots of drama rather than anything else, so I'm including a lot of rather mundane things... like homework and classes and things. Thank you!
Thank you so much for a lovely review! (I'm so glad you're still enjoying it!)
Aph xx Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!
Firstly can I just tell you that how well I think the second person seems to be working for you. You have really done a good job with keeping it perfect and effortless that I can't help but admire your style in this story every time I read it. Really good job!
Over to the characters: Hmm, every time I read this story, I begin liking Molly's character all over again. You've done a really good job with her personality; yes, you've made her a bookworm but I think that it suits her very well. The best part about her is that even though she tends to stay alone in the Library and the society in general, she's still able to maintain her relationships with her cousins very well. Her conversations with them do not appear uncomfortable or distant.
I think that I need to compliment your ability to create your characters perfectly in this story. They need more appreciation here seeing as how you've made them so original and casual that they're used to Molly's behaviour but still respect her as their cousin and are civil to her. Dom, Vic and Louis are the best of them I think =) It's strange how she's very close with Louis; I think I particularly like this friendship more than the others =)
It's good to see Victoire being portrayed more than just a 'diva' =P She's genuine and caring and can see when people are troubled around her. I think that this quality that you've added in her sets her apart from her usual characterisations which is one of the reasons why I like her so much in this story. Excellent job =)
The plot's going really very good. I think that you're an excellent job with the pacing of the entire story. You brought the book to your readers' notice a little earlier just to grab their interest and now, finally, you've made her start reading it. I have to say that the last few lines of this chapter were almost like magic with words. The elaborate detail and the excellent usage of words made me want to read the same book she was reading. I had never thought that the passion that anyone has for reading can ever be described in perfect words but I think you've done it. It feels like you've conveyed the feelings of every book lover in those last few lines. I'm sure those feelings must feel as familiar to other readers as they did to me. Brilliant job =D
Yes, it's definitely realistic. It's a Next-Gen story but it feels way more familiar than many others I have read but perhaps that's because of the second person. Nevertheless, it's going perfect so far and I'm really glad that you didn't drag everything much and have finally reached the point where the main object of the story comes back into focus. =) I can't wait to see how you carry it on further. =D Also, I'm really very interested in this guy she has a crush on now =P You have been so remarkable in grabbing my interest that I can't wait to learn more about him! =)
Another really good chapter! I'm really liking this story so far and I hope that you keep it going the same way =D Hope you like this review! Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =DAuthor's Response: Hey there! I'm so glad to see you back again!
Ah, thank you so much! I have to admit, second person has got easier as I've written more of it (I'm currently on chapter 11), but still... thank you so much! :D
I am so so paranoid about characterisation it's almost surreal, so you have no idea how happy you saying that has made me :) :) :) Personally, I always think it's a bit unrealistic when people make their 'bookworm' character also completely incapable of functioning in normal society - just because people hang around in libraries often doesn't mean they don't know how to talk (yes, I am a person who hangs around in libraries :P). Anyway, thank you so so much for that! You've really made me feel so much more confident about this - and the characters!
Yeah, the plot's kinda picked up now, I think, since things have started moving. Thank you! Thank you so much!
Aha, sorry - the mysterious Adonis will turn up again, I promise, but not for a while... but you will (eventually) find out more about him. Hopefully not too far in the future that you lose interest! :P
Ah, gosh, I don't really know what to say! Thank you so so much for the wonderful, wonderful review! Seriously! This has pretty much made my day... :D Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
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Aph! I can't belive I didn't realise the fourth chapter was up x) Sorry! But I'm sort of not sorry because it made a lovely treat for me to read on a Tuesday night.
The more I read of Molly, the more I absolutely love her so much! She's so similiar to me that it's kind of scary. I particularly love how she's angry with herself about the fact she had an argument with Dom over a boy, scolding herself for being so shallow.
And Louis! Oh my gosh, his obliviousness is so adorable I could melt 8D.
AH wow, I love the mystery with the diary at the end. The way you describe it is so delicate (I imagine your descriptions as little butterflies flitting over the page), and beautiful. Loved it!
Annon xAuthor's Response: Annon! You're late! Hehe, no, it's totally fine - I'm just glad you stopped by :D
Thank you! I assure you I didn't base her on you, lol. Perhaps next time I start a story, I'll write you in, if you want ;)
Louis is adorable! I love him so much it's hard to ignore him... I keep thinking 'I must put Louis in soon'. :P
Seriously? Little butterflies flitting over the page? Gosh, that's so amazing (and a pretty awesome description too ;) ), thank you so much! :D Yes, the diary is very mysterious... I like my mystery, lol.
Thank you so much for the (totally unexpected) review! It really made my day!
p.s. sorry about the over-usage of smilies.
p.p.s. and the abuse of the word 'totally', lol. Report Review
Hello! I can’t even begin to explain how excited I am that there is a new chapter of this story! I was planning on reading it this weekend, even if you hadn’t requested, just because I really feel drawn to this story [Ahahaha…end of chapter matching start of review…why is that funny? Gosh I need sleep…]. I’m not sure what it is about it, but I am beyond excited and curious to see what happens! Now. On with my review of the chapter already.
I don’t even know what to say about characterization that I haven’t already…it is just phenomenal. I can’t come up with a single complaint, especially when it comes to Molly’s character. I think second person for the point of view really brings out her character and every other character she interacts with. I really get a feel for her relationships with everyone and it’s just…it’s wow. [This goes for Dominique, Victoire and Louis too…they’re all fantastic characters!]
The flow and plot were also fantastic! You really have a rhythm with this story, and it makes it so easy to read! I get sucked into what’s going on and feel all but mesmerized by the words. They go together so nicely, in most places, and it really is fantastic. There was one place the flow got a little iffy, which sort of has to do with plot too, yet it doesn’t…it was just confusing:
“Morning, Molls,” Jake yawns, stumbling out of the door behind you and you give him a smile and a ‘hello’ in response. He looks, you’re pleased to see, about as tired as you feel. Running a hand through his light brown hair, he adds, “Are we all here? How about food?” –With this, I was confused at what door Jake stumbled out. I know Molly and Louis were in the common room, but door behind Molly? Something to edit with more description maybe?
One other plot-y flow-y thing that I’ll mention before finishing up on plot would be:
“Looping an arm through yours, he begins to drag you off towards the castle, Victoire on his other side.” ~“Anyway, lunch,” Louis grins, starting off towards the castle at a brisk pace, dragging you all along with him. “ ~You have the first sentence followed a couple sentences later by the second one. They are mildly repetitive and it makes it a bit confusing, so you may want to edit one of the two of them so it doesn’t repeat, if that makes sense?
Jumping back to finish up on plot: AH!!! THE BOOK! This is /the/ book, correct? The one with the character in the prologue? The ‘second’ person or mind in Molly’s head? The other one? AH! Sorry, but I’m uber excited! She’s finally starting the book and it’s just…it’s so exciting! I want to know what happens because I know something does with the book and just…gah! Write more! ;D
Okay. It’s out of my system now. I think… But really, the book! She finally settles in to read the book and I am SOO excited and curious to see what happens. Especially because it’s the book. The one that changes everything. And I’m just excited. And I’ll stop going off about it as I repeat myself 50 billion times over xD
Now…I have one nitpicky thing, which was the only thing other than those two plot/flow things I already mentioned, that I noticed during the chapter:
“It’s important to talk to other people, Molly. Everyone has to in later life and it’s only going to get harder as you get older.” ~Nitpicky, very much so, but the ‘in’ before later doesn’t need to be there. Not really, at least.
Other than those three things, this was fantastic! I was totally amazed in it’s awesomeness and cannot wait for more! And so to finish this review, I’ll share my two favourite lines. But before that, I apologize if I sound spazy. I’m tired, need sleep, and was really impressed with this chapter. It was fantastic! ♥
“Louis mumbles something inaudible in response, but which you’re sure is something his mother would smack him around the head for saying.”
“Immediately, you’re immersed in the story. The first word leaps up, takes you by the hand and drags you amongst the ebony-black words and the cream pages to a world so similar, yet so unspeakably different.”
Great job! Can’t wait for more! :D
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: I think I'm getting a habit of requesting reviews from people when they're already intending to read this, lol. You're the second or third person to say that to me.
Thank you! Thank you so much! I'm always so worried about characterisation - paranoid, almost - so you have no idea how much that means to me! Thank you! :D
Ah, right. Yeah, I'll go back and make that a bit clearer. It refers to the door leading to the boys' rooms in the tower, but it's not very clear. Ooh, repetition! Unintentional repetition, lol. I'll change that - thanks for pointing those two things out!
Hehe, it's totally fine to be excited! :D Yes, it is the book! The all-important one! Things should start kicking off from here on... even if it doesn't seem like it, lol.
Thank you so so much for this (and I'll make the third change, as well ;) ). Your reviews are always so wonderful - so incredibly helpful and just amazing! Gah, now I'm running out of things to say and kinda rambling, lol.
Thank you so so much (again!)!
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This chapter was wonderful. I loved seeing Molly shine more. I liked her interaction with her cousins. I love how your able to keep this in second person.
It's got to be hard at times. It's something I would never be able to do and I think it makes it more interesting being able to see things from Molly's perspective.
Your plot is interesting, the pacing is fine and I love your characterization of Molly and her cousins. I think it's done really well and clear.
I am worried about that book though...curious, but worried.
Keep up the great work!
-SR17Author's Response: The cousins are very important, I think, especially because a lot of them are around the same age, so there's bound to be arguments, cousins who are close, etc, you know?
Second person... it's not that difficult any more, really. I'm writing chapter 11 at the moment, and it sort of comes naturally *shrugs* It's pretty fun, though :D
Hehe... is it giving too much away if I say you should be? Hm... not sure. I'll leave you with it, anyway ;)
Thank you so much! I love your reviews - and thank you for specifically looking at the things I'm unsure about! It really makes me more confident about this.
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Okay, so here it is my 100th review! =)
I really like this chapter. It's fun to see Molly let loose and be Molly. I thought you brought out the characterization of her more in this chapter and you did it well. She was vivid, fun and sparked intrigue into that black book that she picked up. I have a few ideas that I am entertaining about it, but I will wait and see how they pan out.
I really loved seeing her interact a lot more with her cousin and classmates. I thought that the color changing charm was fun and gave your chapter humor. I loved how she was worried about her eyebrows. =)
The pace of this chapter is good. I didn't feel like it dragged on. It felt more light and airy which I think helped the flow. First chapters are always set up chapters and they always seem a bit slow then things pick up. You've been pretty consistant in making sure that it is paced naturally.
I loved your description of walking around the castle at night in the dark...it was a bit creepy. I could definatly imagine and sense what you were describing.
I think that this story is truly unique. I really like how it's in second person. It adds to the story. I can't wait to read more!
Keep up the great work! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Thank you! I wanted to show her interacting with more people and that there's more to school (for her, at any rate) than just classes and homework. Ah yes, the black book. Well, I won't say anything to spoil it ;)
Honestly, I trawled the Lexicon for ages looking for a fifth year Charm, lol, and that was the only one, I think. It was a pretty fun scene to write - and, seriously, I'd be worried about my eyebrows too! :D
Hehe... I'm absolutely paranoid about pace with this story, tbh, so I'm so so glad you don't think it drags. I always wonder if things detract from the main plot or if I'm including too much detail... perhaps I'm just overthinking it. Who knows? ;)
I actually based that on my own experience of walking round school in the dark a while back - it was completely terrifying! Hard to put down in words, though, so I'm glad you think I got some of it across, at least.
Thank you so so much for the wonderful review!
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As I read more of Molly, I only like her more and more! The way she interacts with different people only makes her more real and interesting, and I'm really getting into her situation.
I liked meeting all these new people too, who were new to Molly - the Gryffindor from charms, Mahendra from prefect rounds. The way that they are all entertaining in their own styles is reminiscent of one of Molly's prized romance novels, and I love getting to know them as Molly too.
It was also interesting to meet Dominique, and (sort-of) Lucy. Dominique was a perfect combination of gossipy and family-friendly, and the combination was very realistic! It was cute how she got Molly to realise that she was crushing on the seventh-year, though, but I wish Molly wouldn't ignore her - I can see why she did though ;) and I hope we get to see Lucy later on!
The appearance of the mysterious book was very intriguing! I like how you aren't rushing into her opening it though, cause it feels very natural for Molly to keep the tension sustained until she lets herself read the book, and the drawing-out is very bittersweet and just makes me want to open the book all the more. I love how you describe the book as 'squeezed between two textbooks' because it feels very personified in that moment and the intrigue only increases :D
Can't wait til I can read the next chapter! 10/10 again; one of the most original ideas I've read in a long time!
~TGKAuthor's Response: Gosh, thanks! I think characterisation is so important in a story, so I'm so glad you like Molly and thinks she's realistic - it really means a lot!
Really? I don't actually read a lot of romance novels, so I don't really know - but my secret love of Austen will take that as a huge compliment - thank you so much!
Dominique is very friendly to Molly and she'll be turning up again so I'm glad you like her! Yeah, Dominique's good at advice but Molly's not so good at taking it ;) Lucy will turn up later, I promise. I have things planned for the two sisters... :D
I thought about having her open it earlier, to be honest, but they are at school - they will have other things to do, so it kinda got delayed that way. She'll open the book eventually, though, don't worry! ;)
Thank you so so much! I love your reviews - you pick up all the things I worry about and need/want feedback on and you're just always so nice - and unexpected! Thank you!
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I really liked this chapter.
I liked seeing Molly interact and see how she views things. It's original to see it from her point of view like this. I thought her characterization was well done as was that of the other characters.
I think the plot of this is very interesting and it moves at a nice speed, flowing smoothly. I don't think it's slow at all. I think you're doing a great job setting up your scenes and your descriptiveness is wonderfully portrayed throughout the chapter as well. =)
I am looking forward to reading more about Molly.
Keep up the good work!
-SR17Author's Response: Thanks! I'm really enjoying second person so far - it's really interesting and oddly fun to use. It was a bit of a challenge for me, as well, since this is the first thing I've ever written in second person. I'm glad you like the characters, as I sometimes wonder if they're under- or over-developed - it's quite hard to tell at the beginning of a story.
I'm so so happy to hear that you don't thnk it's slow! Honestly, I think it's really slow, but I can't make it go any faster, you know? Molly just doesn't work any slower *shrugs*
Thank you so so much for the review! It was incredibly helpful!
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This is a really interesting prologue. It's deep, powerful, descriptive and mysterious all rolled into one.
The characterization is well done even though this is only a glimpse at your characters so far. I think the plot line is very interesting and is very intriguing to the mind.
When I look at the overall flow of the chapter it's great. When I think of flow, I look for spelling errors, typos, stumble sentences or phrases that just don't seem to work or make sense. I am glad to say that I only found one sentence that I stumbled on that was confusing.
"You, calm and rational as ever, step forwards, taking control."
I think you meant You're not You? I figured I would point this out and see what you thought. If you did mean 'You' that's fine too.
I am looking forward to reading on to see what else happens!
Keep up the good work!
-SR17Author's Response: Thanks so much! I really tried to get the mystery into it at the beginning, because the whole situation really needs to be set up, so I'm glad that it seems to have (kinda, at least) worked.
Yeah, the Prologue is a bit short so doesn't really allow for much character-showing, but hopefully that's not a bad thing... :)
Ah, right. Yeah, I did mean to say 'you'. It's because the person previously in control in her mind is the other person in her head (person B). Person B is not always calm and rational whereas Molly is. I hope that makes sense and clears that up for you... :D
Thank you so much for the review - it was really very helpful!
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Oh my gosh - this is absolutely amazing! I've been vaguely interested in reading this story for a while, since it was mentioned a while back somewhere, but haven't actually got round to reading it til now.
I love how it's all written in the second person. It makes me feel closer to Molly than any other character I've read, and you write the POV so well that identifying with Molly is easy. My love of classic novels is coming out far too much with this :D
I loved all your descriptions of the Ravenclaw CR and the people, too. The common room and the library really came alive with your gorgeous descriptions, and it felt so real to be there! Also, I like how you've characterised Louis to be friendly with Molly - as the closest cousin, there's enough detail to keep interest, but not so much detail about the other cousins that we become bored with /another/ set of next-gen cousins *eye-roll*.
The ending was beautiful, too - the way that Molly is constantly off in her dream-world and has to force herself out of it is almost a hint, a shadow, of what is to come (at least, as far as I can tell!). The way that a seventh-year also loses himself in books and had to help her out of hers, and even knew her name - well, it might not seem like a big thing to some people, but you wrote Molly's mixture of embarassment and surprise absolutely perfectly! It felt so natural, a little excited and a bit embarassed and awkward... it was just wonderful.
Absolute 10/10! Definitely going to carry on reading this :D
~TGKAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! I was completely surprised to see this review - it pretty much made my day!
Second person is actually quite fun, tbh. Maybe that's just me, though, lol. Hehe, don't worry about it - I love classic novels too. I'm reading Jane Austen at the moment ;)
I actually looked up the Claw CR on the Lexicon because I couldn't remember much about it - so I'm so glad you think it was good and there was enough description. I'm kinda paranoid about description, if you couldn't tell :P Not all of the cousins will feature hugely in this - most of them won't be big characters at all. A handful will be, of course, but I'm really trying to limit that to give the OCs time to shine.
She's always off in her dreamland, it's true and, honestly, I've never thought of it as foreshadowing, but... hm... perhaps it is. I don't know and I really couldn't say ;) It's a huge thing to her - she's so oblivious and cocooned in her own little world *shakes head* :)
Thank you so so much for this absolutely wonderful (and utterly unexpected!) review!
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Ah! No viewing of the lovely book? No fair! Anyway, loved this chapter - you have a fully-formed Louis, one of the lesser-loved Next-Gen males, and I adore him. Molly, of course, was brilliant as well, and I just wished we could have seen the book this chapter, but otherwise, nice job and I really enjoyed it.Author's Response: Nah, a nice cliffhanger-type-thing to keep you on your toes! ;) I love Louis as well and I think he doesn't usually get all that good a lot in fanfiction, so I created my own. Don't panic about not seeing the book - you'll see it soon enough, I promise! :D
Thanks for the lovely review!
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Oh my dilly billy gosh, this was brilliant. I was meaning to read this story for a while, so when you popped up in the 'Claw Tag, I couldn't resist. An excellent start, and I liked how you used 'she' to separate her from Molly, so it isn't confusing. She seems like she has an altogether different personality from Molly, and even though this is only the prologue, I'm really enjoying it so far. Off to read the next chapter, now!Author's Response: Really? Gosh, thanks! The two main characters are completely separate people and, while there are some similarities, they are very different. I'm glad you think it was clear because, seriously, you're probably one of a few who found it non-confusing ;)
Thanks for the lovely review!
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Hello, I'm here from the 'claw review battle. :)
This is a wonderfully written story. You manage to use beautiful, gorgeous language throughout the chapter, and still make it written in second person, which is ridiculously hard as well, I think. But the choice to write it in second person also seems perfect for your character of Molly. It really lets the reader get inside her head, and also, she doesn't really seem like the kind to use "I" as if she were telling her story to others. It's like you're living it as it happens.
Despite there being an almost dreamy undertone to the story, there was some humor in the story. I loved the first paragraph, where Percy is reminding Molly there's more to life than school, and it's prefect duties and chess. Classic Percy. Also the inclusion of Harry's classmates as teachers is a nice touch.
Molly is a very different sort of character. She does't react to things, externally, but rather thinks about them. I think that her ability to be unphased by so much makes her inner conflict more powerful, because she lives so much inside her own head.
The last scene was an interesting set up. I thought, at first that the guy in the scene was just some guy but when he knew Molly's name, I was interested to find out more.
Also, I think it's funny that you used the guy who played Bingley in the Pride and Prejudice movie on your banner, while Molly is reading the book in the story.
Overall, fantastic job with this story. It has a wonderful atmosphere, and your writing style is flawless. Great job.Author's Response: Gosh, thanks so much! I really don't know what to say in response to all of the compliments you're showering me with - seriously, thank you so so much!
The second person is actually quite fun to write once you get used to it - I kinda like it now, lol. It's difficult to use, though - I've tried it in a couple of other stories and it failed horribly.
Hehe... it's a Weasley-family story so there will some humour in it - it would be impossible, I think, to do one without some sneaking in. I'm so glad you like Percy because when I write him I really try to get him close to the canon Percy, as people have such different interpretations of him and it can get confusing.
Eh, the guy at the end... hm... I can't say much, unfortunately ;) He will turn up again, though - that's for sure!
I know! I love Pride and Prejudice... It was completely unintentional, though, I swear! :P
Thank you so so much for the wonderful review!
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