omg i am way to shocked about athena not being with fred anymore to comment about anything else.
but wow, i love this too much
can't wait for more Report Review
I think, though I don't know why, that the site has removed my previous review. No matter all it really said was it was a bit of a change but I'm still here reading :)Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you're still reading. Just remember to keep all language in your reviews 12+ :) Report Review
And chapter two... :)
'Athena rapped sharply on the bars of the towering wrought-iron gate in front of her with her wand, and almost instantly the cool voice of Rhiannon Avitus-Rutherford issued forth.' I think this sounds much, much better as two shorter sentences!
I love her mother! She's so delightful haha!
Nathaniel also sounds hilarious. She he says 'Scandal!' I actually laughed, and I'm not sure why...
I don't really have much to say here. The plot is really still in it's budding stages so it's a bit tricky to say too much! That being said, I do think the first two chapters were very engaging and interesting and on the right track. These reviews are a bit short, I apologise, but you've really got nothing to change; this is all very well formed :)Author's Response: Hmm, an interesting point. I'll have a look at that :)
I'm glad you like some of the minor characters. I'm a fan of Nathaniel, he was originally based on a friend of mine, but he's developed a mind of his own :P
Once again, thanks so much for the reviews, they've made my day :) Report Review
Hello! FINALLY hear with your review (again, I'm really sorry)...
I don't think there's anything to say here. Not even anything minor :)
I like all your character names! Especially Athena and Artemis (I'm a big fan of Greek Mythology)! You know also, it's kind of funny that Athena reminds me a touch of McGonagall (just in her seeming practical and capable and quite sharp in her speech; all good things). Especially when you consider Athena is Minerva. Was that intentional or am I being ridiculous? haha.
You write so dramatically haha! I like it :)
I like that there's restrictions on an apparation license! It seems much more realistic :)
I really like reading aspects of the book that we didn't get to see purely because the books focussed so much on Harry. I'm also always a fan of seeing familiar wizarding names incorporated into stories. So all-in-all I really like this so far! :)Author's Response: It's okay, I forgive you. Especially after the lovely review :)
I'm a bit of a Classics nut myself, so I'm glad you picked up on those mythology names. I've never thought of Athena as like McGonagall; much as I would love to take credit for the name thing, I really just named Athena after the goddess :P
I'm glad you like the little details; I enjoy putting my own little spin on the wizarding world and the aspects of it that JK didn't cover :) Thanks for the review!
Hi, electricfeel here with your requested review. You didn't specify which chapter you would like me to review so I'm reviewing the first, I hope this is ok!
First off, your banner and summary were just so alluring! The banner itself is beautiful and the summary really drew me in, you've helped to set your story up as exciting and action-packed. It's a fine example of how a story summary should be done.
I really loved the first few paragraphs, your main character seems very likeable and I especially loved the way you highlighted how different her life will be now that Dumbledore is dead and the war has begun. It's very true that life for her will be extremely different and I liked how you pinpointed this early on in your story.
The first few paragraphs really seem to be where your writing shines, you've set up your story well and the flow and pace of it worked brilliantly. I feel that when you use dialogue, however, it begins to feel a little bit rushed. It's not a major flaw or anything, it's just a little thing that I think could be worked on to really develop your writing skills and take your story to the next level.
Overall though, it's a very strong beginning. You've set up your characters and plot well and definitely offered enough mystery to encourage readers to read on. Well done!
Anyway, I really hope this review helped :)Author's Response: Hey! Sorry about the non-specification, I realised that after I posted the request, but the first chapter's fine :)
Thanks! I can't take any credit for the banner obviously, but I'm glad the summary was effective :)
I do have a tendency to abandon description once I get into action and dialogue but I hadn't really noticed it, so thanks for picking up on that. I'm glad I got the introduction to the character right, and thank you for your comments on the first few paragraphs, they made my day. Thank you so much for the review and I'll keep what you've said in mind :) Report Review
Wow i really like the difference in the tone of the story compared to Red hair and a beaters bat. Immediatley can feel the darkness in this one. Not sure about loosing fred as her boyfriend but i'll wait to see how you write it before i make a proper decision. Good luck update soon xAuthor's Response: Yes, there's a definite tone of darkness in this one, for obvious reasons. I was a bit unsure how readers of Red Hair and a Beater's Bat would react to that development, but there is some background detail and explanation in chapters to come. Thanks for the review! Report Review
I wish that Athena was still with Fred D= that was a major frowny moment for me but it's really good writing and I'm looking forward to reading the restAuthor's Response: Yeah, sorry about that! There'll definitely be more background about what happened there in later chapters. I hope you'll warm up to Cassian once you meet him, though, and thanks for the review! Report Review
You asked for a review last sunday, and so here it is!
So I'm really impressed with this!! It's seriously amazing! I'm going to read Red Hair and a Beater's Bat to catch up to date :)
So I'll start with your areas of concern that you posted in my thread, and then I'll ramble as per usual :)
SO the first area of concern was characterisation.
I really liked your characterisation! I got a good idea of Athena's character, that she was humble and didn't care about her looks but also fierce and intelligent in the order meeting. I also liked your characterisation of Artemis, as she seems so much different from her sister, which is usually the case in real life, which make it realistic.
Next is believability! I liked that you made the family so involved in the Order and it makes a really good plot invention, but I don't think that you should include (if any of the Weasleys) Ron and Hermione, as they actually weren't allowed in the meetings, like in the fifth HP Book, Order of the Phoenix. I think it's ok to let the of-age Weasley's in though. Although I suppose, as Athena is going in to her seventh year, she would only be sixteen and her not being in the meetings would take away the whole plot... I don't know, just think about it and then do whatever you'd like :)
So I really like the ideas you have, and I like the names for the two sister's boyfriends. I think they're imaginative and unique enough to belong in the wizarding world which is great, and adds to the believability of the story, so well done.
So, I always do three reviews per novel (except for one shots of course) and so if you repost on my thread once the next two chapters are up, then I'd be happy to do reviews for those two, if you want me to. :)
You're right to be proud of this and I look forward to seeing Athena's point of view of the rest of the story :)
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x x x xAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks so much for the review! In response to your points about the younger students in the Order, remember Harry was actually the last of his friends to turn 17, Ron and Hermione are both quite a bit older and are already 17, turning 18 during their 7th year. The same goes for Athena. I actually wrote the backstory for her sixth year (though I'm not posting it because it's a lot of irrelevant detail) but she turned 17 in the September of her 6th year (similar age to Hermione) and joined the Order officially on the same day.
I'm so glad the characterisation of Athena worked, she's exactly as you described her and I'm glad that's coming across, particularly in the first chapter. As you also picked up on, Artemis is very different to Athena, and once again I'm super relieved that I've characterised them in a way that others can see them the way I do...I have struggled with that in the past. Thanks also for the comment about the names :) I love having fun with names, particularly ones from the classical world, and it's good to know they fit the setting of the story and add to its believability. Thanks for the offer for more reviews, I may take you up on that when the next chapters are up :) Once again, thank you so much for the review! Report Review
(I love first giving first reviews) What a great start to a new story. I love the idea that you've come up with (set before and maybe during the escape from Privat Drive). I like the sound of the new characters that you've come up with. Sounds like another humdinger of a story, and since I already know how good you are, I give you another 10/10. Please update soon.Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! This story really is my baby, and it's made my day/week/month/year/life that you reviewed it. I'm so glad you're enjoying it, and my other stories :D A chapter update should be out in a week or two :) Report Review
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