I absolutely adore your opening sentence! The whole paragraph in fact, the wording and description is just brilliant. Not too wordy, yet vivid and engaging. Brilliant.
The last sentence of that paragraph did throw me a bit though. Your side note about how he doubted Molly slept took me a couple reads. I'd suggest trying to split that sentence up, or maybe use some hyphenation rather than just commas? It just was hard to follow.
You portray some weighty, emotional and very personal issues in a great way! You're digging deep into how hard and complex something like this could be and it's great.
There were a few places throughout the story where I saw some word repetition like; "sleeping bodies turned over in their sleep." It's a fine sentence, but I find that using the same word so closely together can just read slightly awkward. even just saying "bodies turned over in their sleep" still says the same thing and feels a bit more natural, I think.
I loved the dialogue between ron and hermione, though I wish there had been a bit more description. What did Hermione's face look like as she said things? Stuff like that. Also, though I feel like the general theme of the words is very in character, the way they're phrased doesn't feel natural for the situation. Having (unfortunately) been around angry drunk people quite a few times, I can tell you the speech is often slurred and awkward, you did a great job with his almost irrational emotion, but maybe clip his sentences to be more simplistic. And I think Hermione is almost saying too much. In response to a drunk person I often find myself ranting with short sentences, similar sentiments to what she has to say, but not quite as coherent - it's hard to respond to a drunk person! These are just some pointers from personal experience and might not be universal, but I thought I'd offer them up.
"Arthur hated the fact that war took over your life and didn't you go until years after the last spell had been cast." This is just another great sentence! You've taken a very familiar sentiment from the real world and put it in wizarding terms, and it just works so well!
Also, I love the way you alternate between detailed scenes and some emotional reflection and really delving into character thoughts, it's a good mix.
~EAuthor's Response: Thanks once again for writing a very thoughtful (and long) review! I really appreciate it!
I'm so glad that you liked the opening sentence and I will keep your comments in mind when editing the story- I do agree that it is a little confusing and wordy. I will go back and fix those other sentences you mentioned- I do agree that they sound awkward.
As well, thanks for your opinion on drunk, angry Ron. I myself have not been around very many drunk people, or any drunk angry people so I didn't know quite how to portray Ron's actions. I will go back and "fix" his dialogue- I agree that shorter sentences would be more realistic.
I'm so glad that you're still enjoying the story and thanks once again for the lovely review! Report Review
Stumbled across this story and wanted to let you know I really like it so far! The deeply personal characterization of dealing with grief is very touching - it immediately draws the reader in and connects them with the character, makes them care and want to know more. Even though there's so little action or events it really sets the stage well for a story, reminds of what's happened, and how it must have felt. Beautiful!
I noticed you'd received various critiques on your intro with the "theirs" and what-not, and if you don't mind, I'd like to weigh in! I actually really liked it. I didn't know what you were talking about at first, but I enjoyed the experience of finding out, it grabbed me right away. I was thinking "who?" and guessing whether it was friends, spouses, specific family members... and felt myself sort it out as it drew to your explanation. However, I felt it might have been a bit long, and that could have contributed to the awkward feeling of it. Maybe less of the examples would have worked better? Just a thought.
Also, I was kinda thrown by "the weasleys might be considered a perfect family." I get what you're trying to say, but something in me wants a further explanation before you use the word "perfect." Maybe you could throw in a few sentences or phrases about how they operated that made them so unique? It's a weighty word, and feels like it needs a bit of explanation, even though we know them.
I really liked it though, I hope you don't mind my spontaneous long review, just wanted to leave some thoughts!
~EAuthor's Response: Hey! I'm so glad you like this story so far and no, I have no objections whatsoever to spontaneously long reviews! I'm so glad that you thought I characterized their grief well- it was something that's very important for the story.
Haha- yes, I have gotten many critiques on my use of "theirs" and I've changed it now to "their families"- the edit's in the queue. I made it the length that I did so that I could try and cover at least some of the many, many types of families out there.
I'll take into consideration your comment on the use of "perfect". I guess it is because we all know them so well that I didn't hesistate to call them "perfect". If I can work an explanation in there without disrupting the flow (in my opinion), I will.
Thanks once again for your opinions and for leaving a review! Report Review
Hello there! I'm here with your review as requested. First off I want to apologize for taking so long with this request! I'm really sorry. Things have just been quite hectic lately, but I finally got around to this. And I'm so glad you requested! I'm sure this is going to be a great piece.
You had a fantastic opening chapter here, and I enjoyed it so much! You really opened it in a way that a multi-chaptered story should start, and you pulled me in right off the bat!
I think that's the most important thing in a novel length story. The first chapter has to be enthralling enough to entertain the reader and keep them coming back for more. I think that's vital, and you most certainly did that here!
I loved how descriptive it was. It was in-depth and moving, and you wrote it in such a way that your reader could relate to. When you wrote about the different people and such in the introduction, with your comparisons, I could think of a person I knew to compare that to, and immediately I knew how to think and feel.
One thing I noticed as I was reading that first section was how you use "theirs." And I'm not even sure what's right, but it just looks a little odd to me. The first sentence I had to go back and read to understand it completely, and then I came to the conclusion that you were referring to someone who "belongs" to someone in a way, yes? So theirs? So when looking at possessions, it made me think that there needed to be an apostrophe before the s, but then I thought back to 'hers' and how that's written and now I don't know. :D So technically I have no idea what's right; it just looks a little odd. :D
But anyways! No more ranting about my confusion. I loved every bit of this. I felt like you knew the Weasley family personally just by the way you wrote them. It seemed like first person account, and you had such vivid descriptions full of emotions, and you're really painted a picture for this story for your reader.
I liked your abrupt sentences. They really got the point across and had an impact on the reader, and I also loved how you didn't dwell on boring introductions. With a need to impress the reader, there is no time for that, and you definitely didn't waste time doing that. You used the plot to help further their personalities, and you were marvelous at it!
I am so excited to find out more. Especially when you have left it like this for poor Ron. I want to see what happens!
This was great, and I really don't have anything bad to say. I enjoyed it all so much, and it was all great. I was just confused about that one little thing, and that is so minor. Really great job.
I hope you found this somewhat useful! You are definitely good to go on descriptions and all that. You have them nailed in this chapter.
I can't wait to see where you take this! You have a great set up here. Unfortunately I can only hit the first chapter for now because my queue has a ridiculous number in it, but I will be back as soon as I can. However, you can always come request the next chapter whenever you like. :)
DrueAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review and I've hardly noticed the delay!
Someone else also mentioned the problem with the "theirs" so I will definitely go back and try to fix it. The only problem is that I now have to figure out how to phrase it differently...
I have such a huge smile on my face right now- I'm so glad you liked it! I'm going to enter this in the "Depth of Character" challenge (featuring Arthur) so I'm so glad that you think I did well with their characterization.
I'm also so glad that you liked the flow/sentence structure of the piece. I was really trying to show the emotions of the characters through them and I'm glad that came across nicely.
Thanks so much for the review and all the compliments- I think I will be back soon to request another review! Report Review
Once again, you have a way with touching little details. The ending was great.
Overall, I felt like this chapter should have been longer. The scene with Angelina and George felt too easy, as though she just wandered into the shop and George instantly broke out of a six-month funk. The scene either needs more setup or more dialog or maybe both.
The way that the next scene jumps ahead several years needs to be better explained. Reading that Fleur was pregnant again gave me a sense that time had passed, but seven years doesn't seem right. If I recall correctly, Victoire was born about 2 years after the end of Deathly Hallows, so she would be 5 if seven years had passed.
The last thing I noticed was this line: "his eyes were beginning to glint in a way that had Arthur worried for the Burrow's stability." I thought the scene was taking place in George's apartment over the shop in Hogsmeade, so I'm not sure why Arthur is worried about the Burrow.
Overall, I still really like this story. Can't wait to see what you do with the remaining two chapters.Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time to review! I'm glad that you think the ending was good.
Thanks for your comments- I will go back and look at it again. I think because I wasn't writing this story in chronological order (flipping between scenes) some scenes seemed longer in my head, or the timing seemed clearer.
The reason I had Arthur worried for the Burrow is that in when George was younger the majority of his pranks took place at the Burrow. Arthur was reminiscing a little, perhaps remembering the times when the Burrow's structure had threatened to collapse. Maybe I should make that clearer...
Thanks once again for your review- I really enjoy your constructive criticism! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
I know you asked about characterization and flow, but first I want to mention one quick mechanical thing - the formatting. I know it's not a huge deal, but I find it hard to read stories that have so many lines between paragraphs. Two at the most, but after that it just gets hard for me to follow and keep track of what's been said, and I find the empty space very distracting. I wish that the spaces between each paragraph had been smaller.
As far as flow goes - on the whole, it flowed well. I felt that even though you were skipping over what seemed like a fairly large amount of time, it made sense given the mood of the piece. I hope that you don't continue to do that, because what works well for a first chapter doesn't always work well for the piece as a whole, but at least for the first chapter, I thought it worked really well.
I did, however, wish that the first few paragraphs had been worded a little differently. I liked the sentiment behind them, but not the way they were worded - specifically, the use of "theirs." I did understand what you meant, but it just felt a little too ambiguous for my liking. Again, I liked the sentiment, and I thought that it was an excellent lead-in to the piece - I just wanted it to flow a little more smoothly.
Your descriptions were terrific - I especially liked the paragraph starting, "Was it wrong for him to wish this on another family?" You used great imagery to describe for us exactly how Arthur was feeling and to get across the general atmosphere enveloping the community. However, there were subtle stylistic things that would have helped a little more - for example, if you'd italicized "would" in the sentence, "he would not break apart" in the paragraph starting, "The guilt settled deep in his stomach," just for added emphasis. Just a few little things like that would have packed a little bit of an extra punch - though as is, it's really terrific.
How was your characterization?
Well, I'm not quite sure. This isn't really the relaxed and jovial Arthur that we know, but it also really shouldn't be, because he's just lost a son. The situation is so radically different than what we've seen Arthur experience before that I think that, at least initially, you've got a lot of latitude in what you can do with his and everyone else's characters. Thus far, it all feels like a fairly normal response to such a tragedy for me, at any rate.
I only review one chapter at a time, but if you found this helpful, feel free to rerequest - I'd be happy to review the next one. :)Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing so quickly!
I've actually been having troubles with spacing- I don't know how to shrink the spaces between paragraphs, though I've been trying to fix that.
I'm glad that you thought it flowed well. I tried to make the story flow well even though the story moves quickly from one point in time to another. I will go over the next chapters as well and rewrite any jumpy parts.
I will go back and look at the first few paragraphs. I don't know how else to phrase it though- I made it ambiguous to try and show the many types of families (though I didn't cover them all).
I'm glad that you liked my description and I do agree that italicizing the "would" would make more of an impact.
I'm glad that Arthur doesn't seem out of character to you, and that his reactions seem normal responses to tragedy.
Once again thanks for reviewing- I just may review again! Report Review
Wow. What an ending. Just, wow.
I like the way you're bringing the characters in a few at a time instead of inundating the reader from the get-go. It allows me to focus on the individual issues each characters is dealing with, and it also makes me want to keep reading. Now I'm very interested to see how Ginny is coping, and how it affects the growth of her relationship with Harry.
I didn't find any spelling or grammar issues with this chapter. Nicely done!
I'm adding this to my favorites. Can't wait to read more.Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm so glad that you're continuing to enjoy the chapters. I'm glad that you're enjoying the way I'm introducing the characters little by little- I dislike overflooding the reader with things in one chapter.
Thanks for adding it to your favourites! Report Review
First of all, it's a shame that this story isn't getting more reviews. I think you're laying out a really engaging vision of how the Weasley family must have dealt with Fred's death. It forces the reader to think, to put themselves emotionally in the shoes of the characters.
I did note a few little mistakes in this chapter:
"Is this just a one big pity party" - I think the "a" doesn't belong.
"They needed to be alert and ready of the Order" - Should "of" be "if"?
The good: I really liked the scene with George. It was kind of haunting, leaving me wondering what will be the next turn for him.
The less good: I found the dialog between Ron and Hermione a little bit out of character. I think Ron - especially drunk Ron - would speak a little less formally.
Overall, still a good chapter. Moving right along...Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I'm so glad that you're still liking the story and that you enjoy how it's written.
Oops- thanks for noticing the mistakes! I'll fix them soon. As for the drunk Ron, well, I've never been around someone who's drunk so thanks for the input. I will go and try to change that around... Report Review
Wow. That was powerful. You have a real gift for using language to invoke emotion. "...haunted, glassy eyes" and "hopeful glances at shadows", what a way to capture the feeling. I have two sons and this nearly plunged me into despair.
On to the next chapter. Can't wait to see where you're taking this...Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'm so glad that you enjoyed it and thanks for the compliment! Report Review
I believe your writing is great! I love how you show the differences between the characters after the war, and during the aftermath, and how George is dealing with loss just as everyone else is, but much different. Very well done! I also love how you show the story from Arthur's point of view as a father, and not just the usual as the children's. I rate this read 7 stars. (: Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: Thanks so much for taking the time to review! I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story- the next chapter will be up soon (it's already in the queue). I do think that it's very interesting how everyone deals with grief and tragedy in different ways and I'm glad that's coming across. Report Review
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