Reading Reviews for Keeping the Secret
  
157 Reviews Found

Review #26, by alexisgabriela Secret Friends

28th July 2011:
Your writing is really great! The chapter read very well and Deora is a believable and adorable character. Deora is also an extremely pretty name. :)

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Review #27, by panchami An Anomaly

28th July 2011:
hey I really love this keep writing!

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Review #28, by Pretense Of Perfection An Anomaly

27th July 2011:
I sort of love how she kissed him, kicked him, and then ran away. Very playground-esqe.

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Review #29, by Pretense Of Perfection When Fire Mixes with Fire...

27th July 2011:
The letter Deora's brothers wrote her was extremely amusing, and had me laughing out loud at certain points. Imagining the two of them fight over the quill, was downright hilarious, and portrayed in words very well.

Sirius and Deora's arguement was heated and passionate, and has certainly been building for some time now. I genuinely believe a part of their hatred toward one another is due at least in part to how alike they are in personality.

Deora's feelings of anger toward the end felt slightly forced and very rushed to me. One minute she was arguing with Sirius and storming out of the common room, and the next she was lost in the Forbidden Forest. You definately could've taken things further and delved into and explained exactly what she was feeling and portrayed how lost in thought she really was to end up lost in the forest hours after she set out. Her fear also seemed rather hasty, and almost nonexistent when she did realize that she had spaced out and was in the middle of the forest in the dead of night. Panic would be anyone's first reaction, no matter how tough, especially with the war raging, especially with her overhearing Regulus's conversation about Voldemort.

Overall though it's been an interesting read so far. I'll definately be keeping up with this story.

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Review #30, by Pretense Of Perfection I Solemnly Swear Not to Punch Anyone...

27th July 2011:
Well, since you requested nit-picky, here it is (:

- I'm not entirely sure that teenagers in the 70's wore polos
- I believe it's the Welcome Feast, not the Welcome Back feast
- Deora did acknowledge that she rolls her eyes a lot, but it does still get kind of repetitive
- The introduction of Dorcas, Lily, and Mary was shaky. I genuinely like their personalities, but I felt like introducing them all at once and in so few words does Deora's best friends no justice at all.

Anyways, on to the stuff that I liked!

I really like you characterization of Peter so far! He seems to have a lot of depth and unexplored character, but it also doesn't seem feigned or forced. His friendship with Deora has obviously blossomed, and I simply love that fact. The only downside to his character in this chapter would be his acknowledgement of Deora's father dying. I felt like him not acknowleding the death before seeing her at school isn't very loyal. Being her best friend, even in secret, you'd think he'd have found a way to send her a quick owl or sneak out and give her a hug.

Other than that though, I loved their interactions with one another, especially how apologetic he was toward her when he realized that she was the one in the broom closet with Sirius. Peter genuinely seems like an integral part of the group, which many authors often ignore. You integrated him beautifully as a large part of this story, and as a significant part of his friends lives. Job well done there.

I also sort of enjoy Dorcas' friends. Sort of. I don't love them, yet. Out of all of the flaws I can see Lily having, I cannot see cursing to be one of them. She is supposed to be a role model to her fellow peers after all, and due to her character I personally see her as taking that job very seriously. Mary seems nice, but sort of forgettable at the moment. I'm sure as the story developes, so will she, and my liking of her. I thought Dorcas was brilliant, and I love that she is a bit of a floozy. Generally speaking in Sirius/OCs a girl who's a player ends up with Sirius who is also a player, which is obviously becomming cliche. Excellent work adding such an interesting personality onto secondary character, without playing up the cliches.

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Review #31, by Pretense Of Perfection Secret Friends

27th July 2011:
Interesting beginning to a story. Far too often people that write Marauder-Era stories either do Peter a great injustice by making him a completely unlike-able character, or ignore his character completely. While he does turn out to be "a villian" later on in life, he definately wasn't as a child.

The way you wrote Peter makes a reader empathize with his character, despite our knowing how he turns out as an adult. His friendship with Deora is not only sweet, it's also complex. As you said, knowing more about his background, family, and home life do make you see some of his later actions in perspective a bit more than J.K.'s story does, and I think this piece will be a prominent theme in your story.

I noticed a few grammar and spelling mistakes, as well as a switched tense or two, but nothing that really detracts from the work overall. I'll definately be reading the next couple of chapters to see where you take this story.

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Review #32, by UnderAPaperMoon An Anomaly

27th July 2011:
Yeah, I'm in love with this story..
and i love how right after she realized what she was happening that she kicked him and ran ^.^

but yes lovely story and i cant wait to see whats to come :D

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Review #33, by rachel An Anomaly

26th July 2011:
this is so far my favourite chapter. I think its really sweet how remus, peter, dorcas and lily stand up to sirius for deora and peter even pushed him!

im sooo looking forward to the next chapter! :D

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Review #34, by Bridie An Anomaly

24th June 2011:
hahahahahahahaha only Deora would kiss a bloke and then kick him in the shins. Loved it. Update asap

Author's Response: Hiii thank you for reviewing and so sorry for the late reply. And yes she would haha it makes sense for her ;)

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Review #35, by megan2u An Anomaly

3rd May 2011:
If reviews help you update faster I'll have to leave one here! What a steamy kiss!!! Can't wait to find out what happens next!

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Review #36, by megan2u Bane of My Existence

2nd May 2011:
Uh oh! This can't be good! Really like what you're doing with the story!

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Review #37, by megan2u And So It Begins...

2nd May 2011:
I'm baaaccckkk! And this was one of the first stories I needed to catch up on. I'm loving the tension between Deora and Sirius, hope that Jeremy guys smartens up after this! :)

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Review #38, by TheSerpentsTongue An Anomaly

24th March 2011:
Okay, so I don't want to be one of those annoying readers that tells the author what to do, but. . .

YOU HAVE TO UPDATE THIS SOON.

And that is said with absolutely no selfish intent at all. I'm merely thinking about all the other silly little Sirius fan girls (like myself) that won't be able to live for much longer unless this story IS updated. You see, I'm clearly putting the others before me. ;)

Anyways, on a more serious note. .
I love Dee. I think she is one of the most original characters I've ever read on this site. Her emotion is so raw and real, that I feel that I can completely relate to her. Excitement has built up in me so that I fear I might not be able to take it for much longer. This is brilliant, love. Keep up the amazing work. :)

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Review #39, by TooMuchMagic An Anomaly

14th March 2011:
First things first: I love Deora's name. Deora Darling Grunnion. That is absolutely the MOST adorable name ever. X3

Okay, moving on. This story sounds very promising! I like how Deora and Peter are "secret friends", and how she's so fiesty. I'm looking forward to more updates for this, do keep 'em coming. :D

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Review #40, by fromBooks_toMusic An Anomaly

7th March 2011:
Hey there!

I just finished reading your story and I love it. I really do!
Deora is a little bit violent, but she's such a cool person.
Don't want to write much now. So that's your review!
Keep it up! Good stuff!

Greetings :)

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Review #41, by Kenzie Black An Anomaly

28th February 2011:
I love it update soon!

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Review #42, by Lillylover22 An Anomaly

22nd February 2011:
OH MY GOD!!! DEORA JUST KISSED SIRIUS!! she then kicked him in the shins. so thats cool. update!! 9/10 =]

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Review #43, by writeyourheartout Secret Friends

22nd February 2011:
Hey preeah! Sorry for taking forever, but I hope this review makes up for it! Since this was a requested review, I'm gonna be nitpicky for you, especially with your characters, beause you specified in your request for me to look at them, so I hope that's alright! I'll just jump right in:

After reading through the entire chapter, I think you have a very solid prologue that gives us a nice insight to Peter before Hogwarts. You seem to have a really strong grasp on who your version of Peter is, even though this chapter focus' more on the Grunnion's than it does on the Pettigrew's, I feel confident that you know who your Peter and Deora are - both as individuals and as a friendly duo. It's perfect that you've instilled that in your readers already from this short introduction alone!

However, the Grunnion family as a whole is not coming across quite as strong. In fact, they seem to be written just a bit too perfectly, almost like a Stepford family, with their picture-perfect home life and this cookie-cutter image. Do you know what I mean? I'll try to explain: When I was reading, I honestly had the vision in my head of mom in a summer dress, the very image of a Stepford wife, Dad in a sweater vest with a side part in his hair who's only ever stern with the kids, never angry, and then takes them out for ice-cream, and the kids only ever pick on each other, but never truly fight because they're just that close of a family. Very 'Better Homes and Gardens' magazine-like. Of course, one could argue that this simply is how it looks from Peter's perspective, considering his home-life is the direct opposite, but it just feels a little too perfect over there. That's 100% just my opinion, though!

I think a big contributing factor as to why I feel this way about the family is because of the kids. I really feel that they are acting just too young for their given ages - especially Deora. With the dialogue, the 'mama', the 'daddy', the hand-holding with pops - I honestly would have pegged Deora around 6. The thing about 10 year olds is that they're just now starting to search for some independence. I'm not saying she can't still find herself attached to her parents/family, but she's just coming across very, very young.

So, I think the Grunnion's being related to the inventor of dungbombs is funny and original and I like that you had some fun with that, but I have to ask: After the boys put the dungbombs in Deora's shower (does she really have her own private shower? Or does it just read that way? Are they super rich so that each kid can have their own personal bathroom, or was that detail simply overlooked?) and she comes downstairs smelling like poo, did she ever go back up and clean herself off before going out? *rereads* Nope, LOL, that's pretty gross - you may want to adjust that. :-p

So after the theater, when exactly did Peter come out from hiding behind Deora's parents to being in reaching distance of his dad, who drags him away? I think you missed that step.

Here's a few small mix-ups:
"Peter was almost positive she has (had, not 'has') been as well." - Since this chapter is being told in present tense, make sure you remain consistent or it really stands out!

"She'll (She'd, not 'She'll') never admit it, but she was terrified of going(.) and (no 'and') (However,) with Peter around, she'd feel a bit more at ease." - You switched to present tense again, but also this sentence doesn't read very smooth without those additions. There's other ways of fixing that sentence up, too - that was just the first one I thought of, is all.

""You and your Mudblood wife are careless and..." - Since he's being cut off instead of simply trailing off, it should be a '-', not '...'. Also, you forgot your closing quotation mark!

Something I noticed with your writing is that you tend to repeat a lot of things (words, the meaning of a phrase) quite often, so I made a list of the ones I caught:
Did you know that you say the phrase 'blue eyes' three times in first four paragraphs? I'd consider mixing that up, a bit.

"Mrs. Grunnion asked curiously, confusion evident on her face." - Those two thoughts are rather redundant: 'curiously' and 'confused' about the same thing. We don't really need the second half, as it doesn't provide us with information we don't already assume from the first half.

"...they began to discuss Hogwarts since Deora and Peter would both be attending Hogwarts next year." - Repetative with 'Hogwarts' - I'd consider a replacement word, even as simple as 'school'.

"They both knew this would happen(,) even though, (no ,) they both wished it wouldnt." - Repetative with 'both'.

"I did no such thing! Don't come to my house and accuse me of such atrocious things!" - Repetative with 'thing(s)'

This line at the end: "He was dead serious." sounds redundant following the line before it. This is the same situation as the 'curious'/'confusion' thing I talked about earlier, where that sentence doesn't provide us with any new information - it's essentially the same line that precede's it, just phrased differently. Sort of like empty words.

Alright, so like I said, I was very nitpicky, but please don't get me wrong! This is a fine start (I mean, seriously - look at your huge fan base already!), but I read through almost every review for this chapter before writing this, and most the compliments have already been repeated over and over, so I wanted to supply you with a different perspective, not another of the same old review, haha. But I'm excited to see where the story is heading! You have me intrigued, especially with the author's note that we'll be switching to first person Deora!

I hope this review was helpful! Keep up the great work, preeah, and I'll see you in chapter two! :-D

xTanya

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Review #44, by Dani_saur An Anomaly

19th February 2011:
she kicked him in the shin! Oh that is just pure brilliance seriously love this story :D sorry if there's typos but I'm grounded doing this on a crappy broken iPod. You've got a great writing style for this and amazingly witty dialogue can't wait to read more

Author's Response: hiii sorry for the late late late reply but thank you!! i'm so glad you like this story and haha yes she did. it makes sense though, it's deora.. when in doubt, violence ;) haha. thanks again!

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Review #45, by PurpleDusk An Anomaly

17th February 2011:
write more. write more. write more. PLEASE!

Author's Response: Hahaha okay okay okay ;)!! thanks for the review!

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Review #46, by m_vicky And So It Begins...

15th February 2011:
I knew she would be a beater, it just fits. I like Deora, she's a very interesting person. I like her and Sirius , of course.

Author's Response: Right?!? She's violent therefore she has to be a Beater... I think every other position maybe aside Chaser require too much patience, a trait that she does not have :P And thank you so much for reviewing! I hope you keep reading! xx

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Review #47, by lily16 An Anomaly

14th February 2011:
Ahh I can't believe she did that! I glad you didn't drag it out. Also, I love (LOVE!) this new friendship Deora was starting to have with Sirius. Can't wait for the next chapter :D

Author's Response: Haha, I know right?? and their budding friendship, awwee... will it last though?? ;) I should be updating soon, just trying to finish up the next chapter now! Thank you so much for reading AND reviewing! You're the best! xx

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Review #48, by RUMBLERORE An Anomaly

13th February 2011:
oh my gosh. I think I just died. :O seriously. hehe, but first, happy late birthday :D yay. ha, yeah I just read the last two chapters like right now, otherwise I would've wished you happy birthday earlier. oh well. I always like getting birthday presents and wishes after my birthday. keeps the fun going. :P so yeah, amazing chapter much?! yesss. so good. ahh. I like them together...so we'll see where that goes. :) and for reals, when are james and lily going to get together?! I can hardly stand it. and is mary like over sirius? was that in the last chapter? I don't even remember what happened with them. ughh, I need to go back and re-read this whole story. haha. that's fine with me. anyways, great chapter! I am sooo excited for the next one! :)

Author's Response: awwe thank you!! i love my birthday as well, i had an amazing one just can't believe i'm not a teenager anymore, so weird!! but back to the story! thank you, ah i'm so glad you liked this chapter! and they are cute together aren't they? well when they're not trying to kill each other. james and lily, hehe... they'll have their moments, i'm just taking my time with this story. it's turning out to be a long one so i hope you're ready for plenty of reading (and reviewing?? haha) but thank you so much for reviewing. means a lot!! xx

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Review #49, by Chelsea An Anomaly

13th February 2011:
Wooohooo, I'm not going to go insane! Haha... I can't believe she kissed him, crazy hormonal teenagers lol. Okay, so I adored the short little story Deora told about her dad making up names for the stars, I really got the sense that she missed him and how close they were. I think it would be interesting to delve a little deeper into how her father was killed, although I guess in the war it probably isn't too important or anything. Anyways, great chapter! I love that Deora resorts to violence at the end, classic. Can't wait for more!

Author's Response: You reviewed again! I kind of love you now... lol. and ahhh I know, crazy hormonal teenagers ;) and that's good!! they were really close and he was her everything so i'm glad that came across... and yes yes, her father's death, the war, deatheaters, peter's dad, all of that will be making more appearances in future chapters ;) and Deora will always be a violent girl, it's just in her personality haha, unfortunately for sirius. xD thank you again for taking the time to review, you're awesome!! xx

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Review #50, by GinnyPotter25 An Anomaly

13th February 2011:
That kiss was super hot haha, I love this story, great update!

Author's Response: Was it?? YAY! I achieved it, ha! and thaaank you, i love hearing people's opinions so thank you so much for taking the time to leave a review xx

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