Why Hello There Char!
It's SeverusLove from the forums and I'm here for your review (FINALLY -.-). :)
First of all, I'd like to tell you how totally graphic and weird this all is - mostly for the fact that it's Bella/Lucius and that is just so weird. :P And second, I'd like to say that I am (oddly enough) intrigued by the story. You managed to write it in such an entrancing way. I love psycho stories like this, hahaha. :P If it were any other writer, I would've hated it already.
The pace and the length was perfect, it was not too short and not too long. The tone was dark and psycho - which I love. The flow and progression of plot was very good too, the transitions were clear and made sense.
As for description and sentence structure, they were beautiful; you have a wide sense of vocabulary I wish I had. That way, I wouldn't have troubles trying to express what I want to express. I love your choice of words. :D
The most vivid line for me would have to be:
"Regret isn't something that she's used to yet she sits there, looking back on her life, wishing a few things had been different." -- it's just so Bella-like and unBella-like at the same time. I can't imagine her regretting but if she ever did, this is the way I imagine it would've gone. I also loved the last line of the story and the one about her being irked about Lucius ordering her around. xP
For characterization, I don't really have much to go by. Since it is AU and Lucius/Bella, it would obviously be at least a bit OOC. Which it is. But I appreciate the way you keep Bella's thirst for control, to not be ordered about, her desires to please her masted, her love for torture, and her psychotic and insane self. She only had a tinge of OOCness in her. :)
I also like how you somehow maintained Lucius' pride and sense of being above others. Although I admit he was really OOC. :P
As for spelling and grammar, unless you did this on purpose but your chapter title "Disintigration" is misspelled. It's supposed to be "Disintegration". :)
"Faces pass before her eyes, their faces contorted in agony, their mouths open on silent screams." -- I think "mouths open in silent screams" would sound better. :)
Also, I've noticed that there are some sentences, that just seem to be off or too long. This one for example:
"It was the giving up of the baby she'd carried for nine months to a heart-broken woman who no longer called her "sister" that had laid bare the path to purgatory and it'd been the disappearance of her lord and master that had broken her."
-- it would be nice if there was a chance to pause to catch my breath if I ever read that aloud, hahah. :D It would be nice if you put some sort of comma, period, or semi-colon in there. Maybe between the word "purgatory" and "and"? :)
Another example would be:
"And so she forgets the little face and focuses on her master for she knows that he will come and he will forgive her for failing to find him sooner." -- a comma somewhere would be nice. :)
There are a few others too that escape my mind at the moment.
As for format and style, there was one part towards the end, I don't know if you meant for it to be one paragraph or two separate paragraphs, but it kind of bothered me. It looked like this:
"It hurts something inside of Bellatrix. And she hates him for that.
More so on this night when he denies that the disfigured boy is the one whom her master seeks."
Overall and in general, other than characterization, this would've been perfect. It would be nice seeing you write more of Bella. She is one of my favourite characters. :D This has officially been added to my favourites, hah! xP It is the first oneshot I've read that I didn't seem to find any problems or be too troubled about the use of the present tenses. Usually, present tense fics tends to be a bit off and I get this nitpicky feeling about it. But this one, you get too engrossed in the story, you hardly notice. :P
Thank you for requesting, I truly did enjoy reading it. :D
See You 'round the Forums, neh?
P.S. What does the word 'lofticries' mean? xPAuthor's Response: Sevvy!! So sorry for my delay response on this absolutely AWESOME and STUPENDOUS and SPLENDIFOROUS review!
I was going for weird!! Whoâd ever thought Bella/Lucius? Not meâ¦until I wrote this! LOL. You are so cute (in an odd way) :P
Oh good on the transitions and pace. I thought it might have come off disjointed as the other times Iâve tried writing this way.
Yay on Bellaâs characterization being okay-ish! I obviously needed some OOCness to get the story to work how I wanted to but overall, I tried to keep psycho-lady near and dear.
Yeah, Lucius wouldnât have been soâ¦manly I think.
Gah! Iâll fix the chapter title! Geez! Itâs the first thing you see! And Iâll get the mouth thing too.
I happen to like long sentences :) but I can see what you mean. It took me forever to figure out how to say that line and by the time it was okay, I left it. But I do think Iâll tackle it again in an edit.
Thank you so much for this!!! â¥
(âLofticriesâ is a song by Purity Ring. Thereâs this one line that kept getting stuck in my head - Lofticries with trembling thighs/ Weepy chests with weepy sighs / Weepy skin with trembling thighsâthat made me think of the first scene and voila! a psycho dark story was born!) Report Review
Wow, there is actually no word to discribe that but beautiful. It was captured amazingly. Very discriptive yet classy. I love how the plot rolled into itself smoothly and how you enever really understood everything in it self until the end. A wonderful peice of writing about one of my favourite characters ;) haha.
I also like how everything is centered around characters, and even though discription of surrounding is good, it's better, for a one-shot, to keep it more focused on the characters as you only have a limited way to express them :)
Well done and good luck!
Bella xAuthor's Response: Thanks! This was very good to read as I was worried about the characterization :) Thank you so much for all your lovely words and I'm glad that you enjoyed it!! Report Review
First of all well done to you for stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new.
Also your fears of not writing it well was completly unjustified. The originality of the plot clearly shows you as a competant writer but the way the story is written is one of the best one shots i've read for a long time.
The contempt Bellatrix has is perfectly shown and her vicious nature comes to light when she resents her own son and insults her sister.
I have no constructive critisism for this one -shot as any critisism I could give would be very tiny picky things and if anything then it would be counter productive.
Well done :D
Ginerva_molly_weasley xxAuthor's Response: Thank you! :beams: I was like "oh geez, I'm really writing this aren't I?" as I was writing so I'm glad to hear it turned out OK.
And WoW! Thanks so much for all the goodness you wrote down here! You do my writer's soul a kind deed!
xChar Report Review
Hey, it's me from the forums!
Loved it! You made the story flow so good! And it matched the events from the books, I wish you could've included the Deathly hallows but though, like what was her last thought before she died?
Your story is a bit pyscho but that's okay because that's who Bellatrix really is. And I think the best thing about our story is you captured the Bellatrix we knew from the books and movies.
I don't know what else to say, I guess you've done a fabulous job! Thank you soo much for letting me review this wonderful story!
Amazing Writer, you are.
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Yeah, I didn't know how to put the deathly hallows in there. Thank you for reviewing and I'm glad I stayed relatively to character! :) Thanks!!! Report Review
Wow, this is such an interesting idea for a story and I would have never thought of this myself. I really like it. I think it's nice to portray that even the worst of the worst have moments of weakness. And I mean, there's not really a moment of weakness worse than sleeping with your sister's husband while thinking of another man (or in this case, a monster).
I think you made it quite believable, given the canon implausibility of the event, but I have one suggestion. In the first paragraph "...An evening to be forgotten...", etc, the tense is a bit wonky and it was something I noticed right off the bat. I'm not really sure how to tackle it, but as the rest of the story is in present tense, I think some of that paragraph should be in future tense? ie, "an evening that will be forgotten" or something along those lines. But I hardly ever give grammar crit, so feel free to completely disregard my babbling.
All in all, it's a very interesting premise and I'm glad to have clicked this one to review.Author's Response: Thank you for looking at this and giving me a nice and honest opinion! I'm glad that it was original enough that it was interesting yet not too far off the mark that you couldn't relate.
I'll take a look at that tense. I kind of like it how it is but I can just keep thinking about it for a bit!
Thanks! Report Review
This story takes such an interesting journey from that passionate opening scene to that last line that literally blew my mind. (Seriously, that last line was brilliantly perfect.)
I really liked the idea behind it and the insight into Bellatrix's character. There were parts where she was still that powerful, crazy, witch from canon, but there was also a softer, more fragile side at times that was really refreshing.
I also really liked the idea of Bellatrix being Draco's mother and how that tore her up. When I got to that part, the first thing that popped into my head was that bit in canon (at Spinner's End, I believe) where Bellatrix tells Narcissa she should be proud that Draco was chosen to be a Death Eater and if she had sons, she would gladly give them into Voldemort's service. This story adds and interesting dynamic to that scene. A little twist of the knife already in Narcissa's back.
Anyway, I also thought that you executed this really well. I didn't notice any mistakes, so well done :)
Overall, this was a really good story, and I enjoyed reading it.
~SingularityAuthor's Response: Wow! I'm so happy you liked the whole thing! I was a bit hesitant once I'd stopped typing madly and looked back on the whole thing but I felt it was a bit of a story that needed to be told.
How interesting how you relate this story to that canon scene! So was not thinking with that but now that you bring it up...yeah! It does bring a whole new meaning to it!
Thanks so much for this lovely bolstering review! :) :) Report Review
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