Hello there :)
Can I just say, this is beautifully written. I started to get emotional when you wrote about how, not even a day after they were married, she was killed. How sad is that? Heartbreakingly sad.
I love the idea you had for this story. I think this is such a great one-shot and you really portrayed Sirius well. You did such a good job with this :)
--DobbysSockAuthor's Response: Thank you so much.
Sorry to say this, but I'm glad I made you emotional! :) Report Review
Sev here with your review:
I'd say that this is less of a one-shot. It seems like you took a whole book and threw it into a few words. Sure, it's kind of sad that Win died, but we never knew her, so we don't care as much.
If we really knew Winifred, then it would have brought on so many more emotions.
Dialogue helps you understand the character, so dialogue should be really strong in such a short one-shot.
I didn't know that this was Sirius except for the relationship. "Sirius/OC" That's not good. Instead of 'He' you should use Sirius's name a few times :)
I suggest a beta ^^ Then your writing will be even better, because they can catch anything that you missed :DAuthor's Response: Thank you. I personally was pleased with how this story turned out but it was enlightening to have a viewpoint from the other side of it. I may or may not take your opinion into account in the future. I'm also a little surprised you had nothing of a positive nature to say on it. : Report Review
Hi! leannemariesnape here with your review!
I really liked this. It so bittersweet. You take us through the emotions that Sirius was experiencing, and I really like that.
I think that the wedding was very much in Sirius' style and I also think the guilt that you portrayed was done very well. It was sudden and shocking, and I think as a result, you showed the despair of the first war.
I couldn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes, characterisation was good and also the flow of the story was very good... I really can't find anything to suggest to improve :D
leanneAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! ! ! I very much needed to read something like this right now :) I'm glad I was able to convey what I wanted to through this story! Report Review
What an interesting take on Sirius's life! A beautiful insight but at the same time exceptionally heartbreaking, never have I seen Sirius portrayed as having married another before Harry's birth, and at the same time seeing it ripped from him in a brief moment was almost as heartbreaking as his actual death and the way you've portrayed his emotions made it seem so real. I particularly loved how you drew his death into this story, and his relationship with Harry, and in particular this single line: "as the Veil shifted and covered the world he knew," which summarised his death perfectly and at the same time still had the air of mystery which surrounds the veil itself.
The writing was perfect, in a single chapter you've managed to capture a completely different side of Sirius, and at the same time tie in all we know about him. I particularly loved just how the story flowed the entire way through, it captured my attention from the first word until the very last. Even if their time together was so brief we could gather a sense of exactly how Sirius felt about Win, and that is one the aspects I love most about this one-shot, and how this relationship really changed him into the person we are familiar with in the books.
I absolutely adored this!
- In The Shadows I DwellAuthor's Response: Wow! Thanks so much for this in-depth review!
I did try to keep the mystery the Veil is shrouded in alive and it's good to know that my mission was accomplished.
I'm also glad that I was able to portray Sirius as we know him and how he possibly could've been.
Thanks for your kind words! Report Review
This was really well written! I loved the characterisation. You caught Sirius's youthfullness beautifully and explained his lack of love later in life. I loved the descriptions of the wedding. Beautiful and simple. Exactly what I imagine Sirius's wedding to be. I loved how you linked it with his death, taking the image of him dying mid laugh to the next level. You are a really good writer!Author's Response: Thank you! It's very good to know that I didn't stray too far from Sirius that we know. Report Review
"...as the veil shifted and covered the world he knew"
That's a beautiful last line there. This whole story is good, but the last section is great. There is a nice bit of closure to it that makes his fall through the veil a little less sad--you realize that there is nothing plaguing him that he has to endure anymore. I particularly like that his view on death was more like the third brother from the bard's tale;that is good for poor Sirius, who endured much in his hard life.
As always your writing is as superb as your voice is unique. I knew when I clicked on this story that I was going to be taken inside the hidden reality of someone else's private mind and that it would be a good trip, like a vacation from self.
Good story and nice premise.Author's Response: I wanted that closure so bad that when I was given a chance to write about Sirius in the challenge I took up, there was no way I wasn't going to include it.
I agreed with the 3rd brother's philosophy on death (as it was the only sane one) so took that one.
I'm happy to serve as a portal to another world!
:) Report Review
Hello, ravenclaw_princess from the forums.
I was totally enraptured with this story. The opening paragraph was so beautiful that it gripped me right away.
The whole way through you have crafted really lovely sentences full of lash descriptions and emotion. I could sense all of Sirius' feelings the whole way through, from his love to his grief. You created a very nice atmosphere throughout, it was light when he was thinking of Win, and then it become so much more sombre in her death.
The whole story flowed really well from start to finish and I really loved the last paragraph. It summed the whole story up so well. I didn't notice any grammatical errors either.
Over all, well done on an excellent story. It was such a joy to read.Author's Response: Thank you! I was totally going for atmosphere and I'm so happy I got it! I'm not usually able to do lush and beautiful descriptions and that's what I was concentrating on here. Get the reader in the moment you know?
I'm very happy you were able to enjoy it! XD Report Review
First review! YAY!!! :D
This is an amazing story, Char! You wrote this so well, I experienced different emotions reading this. The sudden changes of mood worked well too. I can't believe you've not written Sirius before. You did it brilliantly. :D
The way you changed from their peaceful, tranqil life, to a Death Eater suddenly apparating in and killing Win was brilliant. You acheived the impact you wanted with those words. :) I did wonder, however, why Sirius didn't have Anti-Apparition wards on his house. Especially as they knew about Voldemort and the Death Eaters.
I like how you used dog references ('cuddly puppy' & 'sudden bark') at the beginning to hint that the groom was Sirius.
A little spelling error: 'man-made or molded by nature' should be 'man-made or moulded by nature'.
I love that you made this story fit with his experience of going through the veil. :)
I am definitely reading more of your stories! :D
-Sophia xAuthor's Response: Yay!!! First Review of this story!! This was so lovely to read ^_^
Um, Anti-Apparition wards would've ruined the plot line. :P But let's just say Pettigrew was there and helped the Death Eaters in, shall we? Adds more to the reason why Sirius wanted to kill him.
I think on the "mould" vs "mold" it depends on which country you come from :) I'm shamefully American. :D
Thanks again for this, Sophia!!
xChar Report Review
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