Reading Reviews for Pursuing the Unattainable
  
37 Reviews Found

Review #26, by The Quick Quotes Quill Lover...

23rd January 2011:
Really well written good story. Shame its a one shot. I would have loved to have read more. xx

Author's Response: Thank you so much!! *blush* Glad you enjoyed it!

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Review #27, by myname Lover...

12th December 2010:
Amazing!! Off to read your other stories!

Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it so much that you want to read other stories of mine!

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #28, by Jazzeh Turnip Lover...

22nd August 2010:
Firstly, you have a beautiful banner. Honestly, pink banners usually put me off but I thought this one looked particularly stunning.

I was going to say that I'd just read another story with a Marlene in it... I guess that must've been yours too, huh? Have you written a lot from that universe?

I love how you tied the beginning in with the end. And I think I did spot a mistake somewhere but I was stupid and didn't note it down. I would look through it again but I'm on a tight schedule :) haha

I love how you wrote Marlene, and how she seemed to hate this man but love him and need him at the same time. You got that across wonderfully. But you also got across how it was almost as if Travers had manipulated her to feel that way. Very powerful stuff you have going on here.

I definitely shall check out more of your stuff. I have another lined up right now, I think, ahah.

9/10
Lorren.

Author's Response:
Thank you so much RyleeAnn@tda made it and she really did a terrific job!

Well actually this is the first time I wrote about Marlene McKinnon so it isn’t mine but I do have a tendence to write about minor characters.

I’m glad you loved that. Well yeah there are actually alot of mistakes in it especially tenses seeing I’m horrible with them. The review fest I presume.

Well he is sort of like a drug to her. People who use drugs hate that they use it but they need it and they also love it. I know a bizarre explanation. Well yeah Travers is a Slytherin so he probably could or did manipulate herto feel that way. Thank you so much i hope you have enjoyed it!

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #29, by Galawen Lover...

22nd August 2010:
Wow in so little words you managed to get create, for me at least, a complete impression of Marlene's character and their relationship. I'm assuming the line:
"A thousand drained corpses and prayers for mercy can't drag me from him" is the one you were given? You did a fantastic job of encorporating it into the story. The whole piece followed the atmosphere of reluctance and regret that those words inspire and of course how fitting seeing as Travers did eventually tur Marlene into a corpse: effectively forcing her to leave him forever.
Well done! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your great review! It’s really a great compliment to me that you think that! Well actually no it wasn’t given to me. You had to make one yourself. But he I’m still glad you think I did a fantastic job of encorporating it into the story. Well it’s fitting if you put it like that seeing he did turn her in a corpse. I didn’t look at it that way but it fits.

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #30, by In The Shadows I Dwell Lover...

22nd August 2010:
Wow! I wondered how this would all tie in with her murder however I was not expecting this. Your writing is simply perfect and it captures her emotions so perfectly, in a way that makes you never wish to finish reading. This certainly held me captivated from the very first line, which I must admit was very hooking until the very last. Their relationship although it seemed complex was rather interesting and it was clear that despite everything there were many issues lurking beneath the surface that you just touched upon.

I really enjoyed this piece, the writing was wonderful and there were no grammatical issues to distract me which is always a bonus! I look forward to reading more of your work in the near future! :) Keep up the excellent work!

Author's Response: Wow well I think you are the only one or one of the few who actually remembered Travers killed her seeing as most people didn’t expect it. Well I’m glad it kept you hooked since the first sentence seeing I wrote it for the Hooking first sentence challenge. But seeing I also wrote this for the Every words count challenge I couldn’t show everything so yeah.

I’m glad you enjoyed it and that you didn’t find any grammatical issues and hopefully didn’t notice the tenses issue I have going on. I hope that you will enjoy any other writing from me and I also would love to know your thoughts on them!

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #31, by alicia and anne Lover...

16th August 2010:
I really liked this, a forbidden romance (the best kind in my opinion to read hehe) I loved the flow of the story and it kept me hooked, especially that first line. And knowing that he killed her in the end made me want to warn her not to get in too deep. Very good story.
10/10

Author's Response: I also have a big thing for forbidden romance stories. They have a certain appeal. Well it was for The Hooking First Sentence challenge so I’m glad it kept you hooked. Well wouldn’t we all want to warn her. But she probably wouldn’t listen. Thank you very much for the great review.


-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #32, by Capella Black Lover...

16th August 2010:
Well, I've always been a sucker for impossible and dark relationships, and this one fits the bill perfectly. I love how you manage to express so much in such a short piece of writing, and how you interspersed the introspection with narrative, so that we are given clues as to what's brought about her musings, without excessive detail.

I'm left with questions, obviously; why did she fall for him in the first place? How long did they stay together? What eventually makes her leave him? However, the clever thing about this story is that it doesn't need to answer these questions, because, at the end of the day, it isn't about their relationship - it's about the guilt and the mixed emotions she's dealing with as a result of it. That's very cool.

I also liked the way you added the occasional first person thoughts in amongst the story; the only difficulty there was when they weren't in italics, because then it was harder to interpret the POV change. However, the simple act of having these gave strength to the story, as they drove those specific points home.

My favourite line is when he mumbles I love you, and she finishes off the sentence with I hate you, I want you and I need you. That really sums up the whole piece perfectly; the way she isn't even happy to hear those words, because it isn't a love that could ever end well, it isn't that simple. And to make something that complicated in such a short piece, is really quite amazing.

Author's Response: I've also always been a sucker for impossible and dark relationships. Those relationships and stories about those relationships intrigue me alot! I’m glad you love the way how I manage to express so much in such a short piece of writing. I actually don’t like it when an author gives every detail so I try not to do it myself.

Well I myself love open stories so you are allowed to answer those questions yourself if you want to. Yeahh! You get the point of the plot. It’s not about the relationship but about the emotions she’s dealing with. That was exactly what I was trying to tell the readers.

Well it quite difficult to do that and I’m sure I made alot of mistakes with this seeing English isn’t my first language ( which makes writing a bit harder. Because I can’t always express myself fully though I try). But I’m glad it gave strength to the story.

This would probably sound arrogant but I also liked that part alot. Marlene is aware of how wrong the words are. She know it would not last but still wants to be with him. Thank you so much for your great review. I have really enjoyed all of your reviews and i hope to hear of you again.

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #33, by Cherry Bear Lover...

9th July 2010:
Hi there! Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to reviewing this, but I'm here now. First of all, can I say that I really love the title and summary for this? I feel like the title really fits this story well, and the summary is very intriguing.

I'll get all the nit-picky things out of the way first:
- you switch from past to present tense in this a lot, and it's a little confusing. I think it'd be better if you just stuck with one tense. For example, in the sentence, "No matter how hard she scrubbed away at her skin she can still feel his hands on her", you have past ("scrubbed") and present ("can still feel"), so it'd be better to make it all past, "No matter how hard she scrubbed away at her skin she could still feel his hands on her" or all present, "No matter how hard she scrubs away at her skin she can still feel his hands on her".
- in the sentence, "Even his smell had somehow managed to transfix itself in her memory", I think transfix isn't quite the word you were looking for and that fix would work better. Transfix means to either gain someone's attention or pierce sharply.
- in "'Say something,' His words are faint as his lips descended on her scorching skin", the comma after 'something' should actually be a period. Dialogue only ends with a comma if the following words are describing the person saying it (i.e. "Say something," he demanded.)
- in the phrase, "Making a female scream her lovers name", "lovers" should actually be "lover's" because it's a possessive noun (the lover is possessing the name).
- in the sentence that begins, "'I'm'. His breathe is warm", the period after the quotation mark (") doesn't need to be there, and it should actually be "breath", not "breathe" (breathe is the verb form, as in to inhale and exhale air, while a breath is the noun form, as in an inhale or exhale of air).
- you randomly switch from third person to first person in the middle of the piece (in the section: "For being able to manipulate her into wanting him. It has always been this way. This unspoken relationship we have is all we both have to keep us sane"). As it is with tenses, it's best to stay consistent with one point of view throughout the entire piece, so you should either make it all first person or third person. If you intended something to be her thoughts - in which case, it's okay to do first person - then you should distinguish this somehow, like you did in the first sentence with italics and the "she thought" tag.
Sorry if this seems overly-nitpicky or anything like that; I hope they help at least a little bit.

Onto the hooking first sentence, since that's what this challenge was all about. It definitely grabbed my attention, and I thought it was a really unique sentence that told me a lot about Marlene's character and her determination. However, I was puzzled by the fact that you repeated the sentiment behind that first sentence at the end of the piece; it seems a little redundant to have Marlene thinking it twice, so I think it would be better to either change your first sentence (which I would be sad about, because I quite like it as it is) or get rid of the repeat in the final paragraph.

One thing that I really loved about this was the idea behind it. Until reading your author's note, I had no idea that Travers was the one who killed Marlene McKinnon so I thought this was just another love story. Reading that made your story stand out as a thousand times more original than I had originally perceived it to be, so I congratulate you on that. It's such a unique idea - a relationship between two people where one ends up killing the other. That being said, I do think it would've been more interesting to see Marlene breaking up with him and hint at Travers killing her for it. As it is, to me, it doesn't at all seem likely that Marlene is going to break up with Travers. You have no foreshadowing to it except for that last sentence. The rest of the piece is dedicated to how much she hates him but loves him so much that she doesn't think she'll ever be able to tear herself away from him - particularly that repeated line in the beginning and the end that I was just talking about.

I did like Marlene's perspective on the words 'I love you'. It's such a common phrase that it's become so cliched and almost cheap, and yet it's so rare that anyone acknowledges that. I liked how you made Marlene aware of how wrong the words are, and I especially liked the part after it, the "And I hate you, I want you and I need you." I love repetition and parallelism, and the way you did this just made the sentence really emphatic and powerful in my mind.

That's about all I can think to say. This was a really original piece of writing and I think that, with a little error fixing, it can be incredible. Thanks for entering my challenge and check back after the deadline to see if you've won!

Cherry Bear

Author's Response: Hi cherry bear

First I want so say: Woow that's a long review. The long waiting was worth it. First of all sorry for the long wait to responds. Life was very hectic the last couple of weeks. I'm glad you loved the summary and title . Seeing coming up with that is very difficult.

Thank you so much for the nit-picky and it was not to overly. It was very helpfull for me seeing as I’m a foreign writer and English is not my first or even thirth language. So I make a lot of mistakes. The nit-picky helped alot and if I find time I will correct these mistakes as soon as I can to my best abilities. There were even some things I didn’t een realise I was doing like that I switch from past to present tense in this a lot. I will look out for that in future writings of mine.

Thanks I’m glad you thought it was a really unique sentence seeing as that was my purpose. I wanted something unique. But hihihi I didn’t even realise it actually said that lot about Marlene’s character. I didn’t saw that that way but I actually completely agree with your view it tells a lot about Marlene's character and her determination. I will I think get ridden of the the repeat in the final paragraph seeing as how arrogant it sounds I really like my first sentence a LOT. The first sentence rule I even decided to use in my future work. I never thought about it before before your challenge.

Well I thought a lot of people didn’t know that Travers killed Marlene or simply forget that fact . That’s why I put it in my author’s note and I’m glad I did. Yes that little fact does make the story a bit original then most expect when they read this. It’s a unique idea yes but unfortunaly these things really happen in real life. Well Marlene is not going to break up with him for a long time ( in my head) but she knows she eventually has to do it. So the main point was like you said that the pieceI wrote is dedicated to how much she hates him but loves him so much that she doesn't think she'll ever be able to tear herself away from him. Saying I love you has become almost cheap and cliched. Look around you. You’ll probably have known people who one day say to the other I love you and the other day break up because of some little argument. People use I love you to easily I think and Marlene knows and acnkowledges this. The part you mentioned "And I hate you, I want you and I need you." Is actually my favourite part in the whole piece so I’m very glad you liked it.

Thanks so much for your compliments and your nit-picky I valued both of them a lot. I really enjoyed the challenge and hopefully I did wel.

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #34, by melian Lover...

2nd July 2010:
HI! Here for the review! And I'm SO sorry that it took me so long to get to this - life has been crazy and I just havent' been able to get to this before now. I do hope you'll forgive me.

Anyway, the way I do reviews is I allow my inner critic to dictate the first bit and outline any grammatical errors,typos and the like I may have found. Then I talk about your story.

The first thing I notice as I read this was the excessive spacing between paragraphs. This isn't a big problem but it is distracting for the reader, and it's normally the result of you just pasting from Word into the form here. The way to avoid it is to paste as plain text; you have to re-add your formatting but it solves the spacing problem.

The next thing I noticed was that you change tenses a lot - you move from past tense to present tense to past tense again. For the sake of consistency you should choose one or the other and stick with it and it will make the story read a lot better. For example:
His words are faint as his lips descended on her scorching skin.
In this case you did it in one sentence; to stick with past tense it would ideally read "His words were faint ...".

Right. Enough of that. Your story. I think you've got a really interesting premise here, that the murder of Marlene McKinnon was inspired by love/lust rather than an act of war. You managed to convey the scenario using very few words, which few people manage to achieve, and you did it very effectively. We could really feel Marlene's conflict in this situation and how she knows what she's doing is a bad idea but can't stop it. Then again, the human heart can make us do all sorts of things we know are wrong, can't it?

Overall I think yo have a very good idea and, if you made those tense changes, it would be an excellent story. Well done!

cheers, Mel

Author's Response: Hello Mel!

First thing first thanks for taking time to review. I’ll forgive you if you forgive me for the fact that I took so long to answer. Life has been very hectic this couple of weeks/months.

Thanks for pointing the excessive spacing between paragraphs out and the way to solve it. I had no idea it could distract the reader. If I have time I will try to change it!

Yeah another reviewer also commented about the fact I change tenses alot. I didn’t even notice I was doing that. Silly me and I will also tr to change it if I have got time atleast. I love the fact you even gave an example!

Well thank you som uch for your huge compliments! You really made me giddy and blush seeing you are such an amazing writer ( whose story I still have to read ) and I’m brand new author. I chose it to be inspired by love/lust rather then war because I had heard in the news that a man killed his wife because she had cheated. Really creepy and weird inspiration! I’m glad you think I can convey the scenario using very few words because it’s really hard to do that. Yes the human hearts makes us do things we know that’s wrong and which we will regret because of this.
Thanks you so much!


-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #35, by marauderqueen Lover...

18th June 2010:
Ooo this was good! I liked this because it's almost like the reason he killed her.
I liked the detail and the line were she says 'It burns'.
~Izzy
9

Author's Response: First of all sorry for the long wait and thanks for taking the time to review.

I’m glad you thought this was good. Well in my head it was one of the biggest reasons he killed her. I thought it would be nice to see a different reason then most would think. I’m glad you liked the detail and the line were she said ‘ It burns.’

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #36, by odyssey Lover...

27th May 2010:
Wow. You really did a good job with this, it worked so well with the title. To be honest when I wrote that I was thnking more of Snape/Lily and that sort of thing but I really enjoyed this. Not a ship I would ever have thought of, but it worked.

The only thing I would mention is that you change from past tense to present tense back to past tense throughout this, so you might want to look at that to make it consistent.

Otherwise, I thought this was great! THanks for passing on the link. :D

-odyssey

Author's Response: First of all sorry for the long wait and thanks for taking the time to review.

Thank you so much for your compliments!. It’s a ship not alot of people would think of yes but I’m a big lover of minor ships and minor characters. So that’s why I had chosen this ship and you are right the title does fit a Snape/Lily.

Wel I will check that out and will try to correct it. Thanks for pointing that out by the way!

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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Review #37, by Alexandra Lover...

17th May 2010:
I really liked it, a nice unusual ship which I thought you did really well :) There was just one bit where you changed from she to I and back again just after "How does he always know what to say?" I love stories that explain what happened and why. Not to mention an Order member and a death eater, lovely. Great job :)

Author's Response: Hey Alexandra
First I really want to thank you for your review! I’m glad you liked it. Yeah I really like unusual pairings. I did not notice I did that I will check it out and thanks for pointing that to me otherwise I would have never noticed it. I also love stories that explain what happened and why and that’s why I decided to write this story like that. Yeah I really love death eater and order member romances. Thanks so much!

-xoxox-

Cleopatraa


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