Hm... I'm unsure about this story. On one hand, I really like it. The idea, the setting, the backstory. On the otherhand, I hate the way Hermione turned out to be (desperate and needy from Chapter 3 onwards).
I suppose, the one big downside to the story is just that - I don't like the Hermione character. She changed so drastically it's unsettling. Other than that, I do like it. It's well written and intriguing. I mean, who would possibly want their own kind destroyed? To go as far to prevent them from casting charms against the fire that is meant to kill them and set jinxes on witches and wizards to allow them to be easier to find for muggles?
The poor minstry. Always infiltrated. They might have to invest in better staff :DAuthor's Response: The edits will be made to Hermionee's character after many reviews of the same nature. Glad you picked up on it and feel free to check out the edited version of the story once I repost chapters :) Report Review
I am very impressed with this story. It is the most original Dramione fic I have read in a long time (the last thing we need is another story of them being Head Boy and Head Girl together...lets be honest). I was a little thrown off by how much Hermione threw herself at Draco but I guess it makes sense considering how lonely she is without her friends and family. I am really routing for Draco and Hermione and I hope Draco can save her before it is too late. If Hermione dies, I will be extremely disappointed. Cant wait for more...update ASAP!!!Author's Response: Thanks. I am still not sure about the ending :) Report Review
hey, i've been waiting for an update for ages now, what happened to you? i hope you didn't abandon the story, it'd be a shame. please post the next chapter soon, suspense is killing me!Author's Response: I haven't abandoned it, I'm simply deciding whether to do a huge edit or waiting for more fabulous inspiration. Since you expressed concern, I shall get on it tomorrow :D Report Review
What happens next? :-3Author's Response: this is where the story gets really sad it hink so ive had to do so much editing to make it perfect. you shan't be disappointed though :) Report Review
omg jst read this full thing. it's amazing. i love the story. please update the next chapter soon! great work!
ADAuthor's Response: oh thanks adluvshp. i have been writing but with all the essays i've had to do fanfiction updating has been a bit slow. plus i do challenges, but this story should be updated within the month :)
glad you liked it Report Review
I actually really like this, but where's the next chapter?!
It ended so dramatically!Author's Response: the next chapter is coming soon. needs editing ;) Report Review
Here this is apocalypse, here with your review!
Okay let's start with the beginning? The scene where they wake up started off well, but it did not really have such an appropriate end. I mean, why did Hermione get so mad all of a sudden? She gets too angry too early. For instance: '"Time" I said shrilly, staring at the wall.' Getting shrill all of a sudden was really not needed. You could have made her ask "Why do you need time?" instead making her start yelling. Hermione's narrow minded, yes, so she really doesn't know why he asked for more time. However, she's also a girl, who should try to understand him more. If she's in love with him, she's supposed to want to know why he's saying what he's saying and should let him explain before she assumes.
Finally! =P In this chapter you finally got Malfoy's character almost right. He was finding it hard to confess his love for her or even make her understand what he wanted to say. THAT'S what Malfoy would've originally acted like. He's completely alien to the idea of love and having that feeling at all, so it makes perfect sense that he'd hesitate. =)
I really liked the part where she asked him to erase her memory and then he refused. It was completely understandable on both of their parts. But, I also want you to know that at some point in the scene where they talking and she was asking him to say it; I felt that you were dragging the scene unnecessarily.
NO! He had finally started saying that he loved her! That
woman! You know, you would have to explain why the Muggles are so aggressive with them. I mean, sure, they think that they can harm them. But when Voldemort was powerful didn't they notice anything superficial then? Also, where's the Prime Minister now? The one who always knows about the wizards? Shouldn't he try to explain that wizards have been helping the Muggles and not killing them? Sure Voldemort was a killer, but he's dead right? I hope you get I'm trying to say. =)
Also, I've noticed that she has barely mentioned Harry and Ron after the first chapter. Where are they? Shouldn't they be trying to find her? Or her, them? There really should be SOMEthing.
I liked how you wrote about the feelings that she was having when she had been captured. This time your description was very good so good job with that =)
Your chapters progress really well. Every chapter has its own story and its own particular style which makes the reader completely absorbed in the story. That's your style so keep it up! =D
I'm going to look forward to the next chapter as I really want to know what happens to her and if somebody like Harry, Ron or Malfoy try to save her or not.
Goodluck and Happy Writing! =)Author's Response: yes i tried to get so many feelings into this chapter that i went a little overboard. i think i will have to rearrange the order a little bit. the next chapter will deal with the muggle reactions etc through television reports and newspapers and stuff. I saved it until she was caught you see :P
Thank you so much for reviewing the chapters so far. I will let you know how it goes
:) Report Review
How about we start off with some appreciation this time? I can see improvement in the consistency of the paragraphs. The first four paragraphs are well organized and are complementing each other. No jumps here, well done! The flow here is very much apparent. I am glad that Hermione realized her mistake before it was too late; dragging it would have made your readers lose interest. Good job on binding it together and not getting carried away.
Providing details on Hermione's thoughts: the police might take Draco's DNA; the fact that Draco's name is not in the muggle database; risk of exposure. Now that's more like Hermione: quick processing; evaluating the seriousness of the situation; proceeding accordingly. I like how you specified the details here; makes the scenario more realistic. Well Done. =)
Now towards the bumpy part: "The police station was full and busy that morning.." Is this one lined description enough? It gives us a very blur picture. Now it could have given a total different impact if you would have mentioned details such as: the officers' actions: some of them getting over with their shifts; piling up the case files for processing; dragging the thieves towards the lockers; reluctance among some of the people; the suspects. Give importance to creating an atmosphere; it will take your story to a completely different level; a higher level, for sure. =) I hope you get my point and plan to work on it, after all you are the one who will benefit from it. Here is an another example: ".. we stopped off at an internet cafe, got two coffees and a snack", this one lined description could have been a proper one paragraphed scene when influenced by the atmosphere.
Description also helps enhance the scenario, "we took a bus to the outskirts of the London and found a crummy-looking homeless shelter that was letting in a queue of people. They looked perfectly ordinary." Now you could have used more words to describe the place other than "crummy-looking homeless shelter" you could have filled your readers up with the description of the shelter while Hermione and Draco were waiting for their turn in the queue. Here, your paragraphs lack their fluidity. Also you mentioned the people looked perfectly ordinary. Now people have different perspectives; did you mean to say that the people were acting like they were ordinary where as they seemed like they were hiding their identities like them Or if they were people undercover?
I'm glad you mentioned the sky getting darker, it helps reflect the mood. Try being more expressive when talking about sensitive yet solid elements like these, in future. =)
I'm pointing out all these tiny bits of mistakes so that you may fix them in the upcoming chapters. Helping you proceed towards perfection, you see. =D . Keep up this passion and hardwork; your story will surely develop a successful future and attract double the number of the current readers. =)
Way too much critique? Don't worry the it's almost all over now. =P. The conversation at the food hall was one of my favourite parts! I found it super funny how Hermione left Draco with all the questions and enjoyed every minute of it, so did I actually. =D I think Hermione deserved that short period of enjoyment after all the craziness. And! What Draco did to Hermione? I seriously did not see that coming! Not so soon, anyway. You surprised your readers; let me tell you it really IS an achievement. Really good job!
One of the highlights of the chapter? Your two paragraphs' description on their kiss. It showed how much she actually noticed him. Really good.
I mainly looked at the description in this level. It was a very important chapter for their relationship so I had to see if it was perfect that way. It was close to prefect I have to say =) From the romance point of view, it needed more description than usual. However, I'm cutting you some slack as the entire chapter, combined, was really really very good. =D
Will surely be looking forward to read and review more! =)Author's Response: OH yes im so glad you picked up on the one-line descriptions. I added these in afterwards. I found it really hard to do the police station part. I think it was because I wanted to hurry up and get to the good part :P
I added loads to the beginning about the exposeure part and I didnt think about it that way - the logical thinking of hermione's. Good point.
the kiss part was my favourite to write. this was not too much critique because when i re-write this chapter it will be fabulous perfection! I'm glad I shocked the readers and I can't wait to go over this.
I will PM you on the forums when the chapters are up :)
thank you so much Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse, here with you review!
First of all I’d like to congratulate you for the progress you have made so far, well done. =) Lets start off with the things that you could work on in order to further improve your story. The start is fine, however I feel that your flow in writing is not very much consistent, I mean one second Hermione is at home, having breakfast, and then the next, she is out shopping for the night. Try avoiding these kinda jumps, establish a more persistent flow between the scenes, I am sure you’ll be able to do it, really well. =)
The idea of the whole set up for the big night and Hermione dressing up nicely for Draco, irrespective of her injuries, was very sweet. =P In addition to that you could have worked a bit more on the minor details to make the atmosphere more tempting. For example you said ‘.. did my hair nicely for him’ you could have given more details on what actually made it look nice? Or whether it was tied up in a pony tail or was she just wearing her hair down. You know, these tiny details actually help enhance your scenario. And the part where you mentioned the meal, in order to add perfection to the scene you could have explained how the meal was presented on the table instead of just saying ‘I stood by the table, where the meal was emitting hot steam and a lovely tomato smell.’ It would have made it look and sound all the more tempting and would have made us understand how much Malfoy was actually not seeing. I’m sure you’ll work on these details in the upcoming chapters and make them awesome. You have the potential in you. =)
You explained Hermione’s side well but you know what could have been better? Working on Draco’s side as well. Hermione did not concentrate much on his expressions in that scene. She should have noticed his every move as she was trying to figure out what feelings he had for her. For example, when Draco came back from work, you could have described his expression on seeing the entire set up in addition to the dialogue; you mentioning his mood during the conversation proved to be a plus point for the scene, however the expression was lacking, like I said. Though, good work.
Your dialogues are probably the stand out for the entire chapter; you really are good at them. Keep it up! Your secret weapon. ;-) Yes you were right the emotion levels really are high. Were you angry while you were writing this chapter? Haha that kinda rage doesn’t really come outta nowhere or does it? =P. Either way, really good work on that! But! Yes, there always a but. =P I felt that Hermione was jumping from issue to issue really fast. And at one point, I really couldn’t understand why she was yelling. At some places I just felt like she should’ve stated rather than shout.
One more thing: Hermione’s not the scared and insecure person you’ve portrayed her as. I mean, sure, she did not like all that he was doing but she should’ve found better ways to make him understand. And! “I screamed so loud that he put his hands over his ears. Then I wailed some more and sobbed on the ground. I felt as if I was dying.” This sounds kinda extreme for Hermione’s character, don’t you think? It sounds like it’s a ten-year-old child rather than a woman. On the other hand, I have no idea why you made her react like that. That is one of the reasons why I’m mentioning all of this. See, she was hurt, yes. But you could’ve have justified her behavior by merely saying something like “I did not know why I was acting like I was. All the sane thoughts had left my mind and had forced me to stop thinking rationally.” Hope you get what I mean =)
Okay, I promise this will be the last criticism for this chapter. After all you did ask me to help you. =P Just doing my job, you see. Okay, so Hermione’s feelings were well described throughout the chapter but you know what could have given it a bit more depth? Instead of scattering her feelings of rage in two lines here and two lines there, paragraphing it properly could have given it a better, more empathetic approach. Work on all these tiny details, and trust me, your story will surely rock it!
I really really loved the end! It was unexpected. Hermione could go to THAT extent? Woah. Excellent end to a chapter, leaving your readers to come for more, I know I will. ;-)Author's Response: The feedback was very good. I think you are right. I need to justify her actions and feelings in response to him too. Well noticed ;)
the end was supposed to show how upset she was and that she does not owe him anything. the critisisms are good and I'm gonna go back over everything and re-write and I think I'll mention you when I update this because you're such a good help! It's great to know thaty someone will take time to help.
Really appreciate this. Thanks Report Review
Hey this is apocalypse, her with your review!
Firstly, I'd like to say sorry for being so late in giving my review. I'm gonna try and be quick next time =)
First, some issues that I had.
"Malfoy took a good look at the place and amazingly found a window on the ground floor with easy access." If it's her house, isn't she supposed to know about the window herself?
Um "she crawled next to him"? Why? She's Hermione. She should hate Malfoy or at least stay away from him. Being friendly is acceptable considering their circumstances but the closeness and the too nice casual conversation slightly did go overboard.
Aside from the critique, her teaching him was sweet. When you're in hiding, it's nice to know that you have someone with you. =)
And it's really funny to see him struggle with all the details. Things that are so normal to Muggles are so foreign to him. It feels right since it's also the other way around. And I noticed something ironic. He's running from the Muggles to prevent himself from being captured and he's still learning their ways. If Muggles knew how much he was sacrificing and going against his character, they might've been grateful =P
Moving on, Stacey knows their real names? Don't you think that if they wanted, they should aliases?
Hahaha! Stacey told him everything! That was a really good scene! I liked it. ALso, I understand why the lust takes over her but I don't understand why he's leading her on? If they're pretending, then he's only supposed to do that in oublic right? Why do they even talk to each other when they're in each other's company? He really needs to explain his attitude.
Apart from the characterisation issue and the minor details, your story and the plot definitely is good. I particularly enjoyed this chapter. Keep it up! =)
I'd like to say here, that I'm a huge Dramione fan. That is one of the reason why I comment on their characterization and their attitude towards each other so much. If you feel that I'm being hypercritical, don't hesitate to tell me that =) Also, in your response, I'd like you to tell me things that you want reviewed in the next chapters. I think I've touched the issue of characterization enough time =)
I really hope I helped you with my review.. =)Author's Response: thats a flaw. giving their real names has consequences for the future which i do not wish to give details on :P this isnt the end of stacey ...
about the part with draco finding easy access, the place is boarded up and they both search for a place to get in. he just happens to be the one to find a spot. i should have been clearer.
also, they have aliases in the coming chapter to avoid any more hassle. i didnt want them to have aliases yet. its because theyr in a different town that they wont have to hide too much, plus hermione is registered on muggle databases. also, the muggles dont have lists of names of witches and wizards.
yes, his character will be explained in coming chapters :)
the critisisms are fine. i really should learn to be clearer. i will be when i edit.
well hopefully in the next chapter you will review on the emotion levels. the dialogue is quite strong. hopefully i conveyed what i tried to.
so glad you're a dramione fan. i tried to make this as realistic as possible. i think one of the only ways they could ever be together if there was some major lifechanging event and this is it, i think.
chapters 4 and 5 are very very emotive, especially 5. let me know what you think. thanks for review, ive noted your comments and can't wait for more.
also, do you beta?? because future chapters i may struggle with Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse from the forums, here with your review!
Firstly, I'd like to say that this is a really good idea. It's a nice plot which has a lot of potential and I can see it going down the road of success, so congratulations for that =)
Over to your concerns then? Yes, a story on this topic can be written. It's not common that the witch trials are mentioned in the HP world and it's a god and unique idea on which your story is based. Even though I've said, that it might be successful, however, I have to say that the brilliant idea is often overshadowed by many other flaws so you have to keep looking and being careful of those. On the other hand, I believe that every writer is talented and I also believe that they are perfectly capable of handling their own stories, so, I know that you'll be able to do a good job on it after all the help you get from reviews =)
The sensitivity level is fine, however, I would have liked to see more of the fear in everyone. You only described Hermione and said that she stayed away from company but it would have been really helpful for your story if you had described the feelings and actions of all those around her just to give an idea to your readers of how serious the situation actually is.
Your characterization of Hermione is indeed slightly different from the one we know so well. Hermione's headstrong, strong-willed and not easily scared. She knows what she's doing mos of the time and I don't think she'd rely on anybody expecially someone like Malfoy. So, I have to say that you'll have to work slightly more on that.
Since I'm talking about Malfoy and characterization, I must tell you that Malfoy's character wasn't of the one that I like so much. He's conceited and looks down upon Hermione and would never have let her into his room. However, since you had to make them talk and have him help her, it would have been extremely better if you had put in tidbits mentioning his attitude towards her that made her angry so much. In my opinion, however nice Malfoy becomes he can't ever deviate from his original character of that of a Pure-blood.
Something else that concerned me? Well, the reason for magic getting exposed was slightly weak. You could've developed it further just to prove that why this particularly time the Wizarding world was unable to risk exposure. However, I say 'slight' problem as I noticed the mention of the 'officer' who stopped the Ministry and I'm thinking that he has a role in the story later on, so, I'd say that this ain't a big problem as long as you have a solid motive for the officer.
I think I'll stop now =) I really hope that you found this review helpful. I'll be reviewing the next chapters too, but my only request is that it may take me a three-four days, so bear with me =)Author's Response: okay thanks. Yes i totally agree with the thing about malfoy letting her in his room. He really shoul have put up more of a fight. I also thought that a simple exposure would be affective because it was something so small i.e. more unexpected. I will be slightly changing the chapter and editing to make the conversation between them more inclusive of seven years of hatred.
i really appreciate your comments and thanks very much for taking the time to do it :) Report Review
It was a little confusing at the beginning because they were arguing the whole time, basically saying the same thing over and over again. But otherwise it was good:)Author's Response: yes it was repetitive because malfoys an idiot who cant make his mind up.
thanks for reading :) Report Review
Whoa! You are an amazing writer. I could feel her pain. Keep going!Author's Response: thanks very much KimmieC Report Review
Wow, Nice way to end the chapter. Burning sounds terrible, I fell for her, Loved this.Author's Response: i know. i havent even figured out if or how i'll write it :(
but i shall try my hardest Report Review
i.love.this.so.much. continue continue continue! Report Review
AMAZING:) Continue please! Report Review
I so much love it! I can't wait for the next chapter. Definitely going to my favorites :D Report Review
Keep writing! This is really good! Report Review
Oh my, didn't see that coming. Love it! Report Review
This is really good! Report Review
oh no!! you must write more! fantastic! :) Report Review
WHAT? OMG! HERMIONE. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT-
I CAN'T EVEN.
*Walks away to cool down then comes back*
love the story, write more. :) Report Review
Very good idea! Please don't stop writing, this is a very good plot! I really really like it. Report Review
This is amazing! Your idea is so original! I'm stunned by it! I've never come across any other fanfic with this sort of plot! The modern witch burning idea's genius!Author's Response: thanks! I wasnt going to do another story but the idea was so good that i had to write one more :D Report Review
OMG so good! Keep going with this story, it makes me want to read MOREAuthor's Response: thank you very much. i will update this soon Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection