Second review that I owe you.
I'll start off with the good, as always. I really love Parvati and Lavender's chemistry. You make them seem like life long friends, and everything about them is realistic, like the tiny kind of but not really fights they have, and how Parvati does all this stuff for Lavender. I appreciate how much thought you put into their relationship and I like how you're not just making it about Lavender and Seamus, but about Lavender and everyone she meets.
Again, I'd recommend a beta reader. There wasn't much bothering me in this chapter but the thing at the end, well, it seems a little too cliche. She meets Seamus, who just HAPPENS to be this hot stud, and he just happens to have a super sexy girlfriend. Maybe if you wanted to make it less cliche, you could have the girlfriend calling out and then just having Lavender turn around and be surprised, and then you can describe her next chapter. The really big thing that I think you could do to make this more original is make her not give Lavender the mocking look. Seamus lives there, he's probably around female customers all the time and I hardly doubt that brunette gives everyone a mocking look, especially chunky girls like Lavender who probably don't get anything like Seamus.
All in all, you're still doing great. Don't take what I said too harshly, because you really are a talented writer and if you stop back by my thread I'll be happy to review more for you. Just work on getting rid of cliches (and while I'm talking about cliches, EW, Dramione? Please tell me that was just wizarding gossip lol) Good luck!Author's Response: Normally I'd agree with you, cliches are very annoying, but when I was writing this story I was trying to figure out what kind of story would fit with Lavender's personality and that kind of story would be a romantic comedy with a couple of cliches in it. I made Seamus sexy just because Lavender is so beat up in all the Dramiones (I hate those) that I thought she deserved a stud.
The girl and the mocking look, well I certainly couldn't make Seamus's girlfriend nice! I have to get rid of her.
Anyway I'm glad you liked some bits of the story and I'm sorry you didn't like others. Thank you for the reviews though. :) Report Review
Hi! This is killinglonely from the forums (it's also my HPFF name) here with your first review. Before I begin, a couple things that bother me. They aren't actual flaws with your story, but your title is 'Job interviews', and the 'I' should be capitalized. Just a pet peeve of mine.
Moving on, I really love your characterization of Lavender. She's like how she was in the books, but back then she just seemed boy obsessed, and I like this fun, kind of careless personality you've given her. You're also very gifted with dialogue which is something I'm jealous of because I struggle a lot with it.
Now does she not know that this bakery is owned by Seamus's parents, or what? They went to school together so it seems weird that she didn't mention it, to be honest, especially since they seemed to be good friends. That's really my only main thing that bothers me about this chapter. You might want to invest in a beta, it's not that your grammar is horrible, but I myself even need one and I find that having one makes my writing a lot smoother. For example, 'what color is that Pepto Bismol?' should have a comma after the that. Just an example.
All in all, you've done a wonderful job with characterization and I can't wait to read the next chapter! (: 8/10Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for the great review and I'm glad you like Lavender, I tend to focus most of my energy on my characters, because in my opinion a good character makes the whole story enjoyable.
I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
This seems like a great beginning to your story. I really like that you have Lavender as the main character and I can't wait to see what happens when she ends up meeting Seamus again! I felt so bad for her when his mom called her a brown noser and walked out. I can't wait to see where this story goes from here as it seems like it will be a funny and good story! I liked the characterization as she was still a very girly person but the fact that she was continueing her education for art and such are different from anything I have ever thought so great job on that as well. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hello! I'm glad you like this story! I always feel bad for Lavender, she's so trashed in all the HPFF when really she's just a little girly. Report Review
This is really good! I always thought Lavender was the type of girl that never really had much of a personality, but you totally proved me wrong! I always knew Seamus was hot! Write more soon :)Author's Response: Seamus is more then hot, Seamus is blazing! And of course Lavender has personality! I hate it when people just write her as some kind of bimbo. Anyway I'm glad you liked her. :) Report Review
I always knew Seamus was meant to be so HOT! XD LOL great story BTW! Can't wait for a new chapter!Author's Response: Seamus is hotter then hot...he's blazing! Or at least Lavender thinks so. ;) Report Review
Ahh wow, Lavender makes me laugh. I loved the line where she said she wanted to go clubbing and come home late (I'm not sure if the other part is 12+? Hmm...) and Parvati's response. That was funny! And Seamus coming to the rescue! I can't wait for more of him ;) And his lovely abs which we are yet to see :PAuthor's Response: Poor Lavender, however I do have good news, you will soon be able to see the glory of Seamus's abs because I'm putting in a chapter image for him! Report Review
Ahahaha this was hilarious! I love that she made so many batches of cupcakes! And her lucky bra! Ahah! And the ending line of this chapter made me laugh! Anyway on to the next chapter! :DAuthor's Response: Caatie! Hi, it's nice to get another of your reviews. I'm glad you liked my newest story! Report Review
This is really funny! Lavendar's character is just hilarious. She definitely fits with my image of Lavendar in the books. I love that she applies for a job in a bakery with no experience (1 time doesn't really count, haha)! She's certainly optimistic.
Looking through this for the second time, I noticed a few spelling errors. Like "collage" when I think you meant "college." Not anything huge, though.
I've never read a Seamus/Lavendar pairing before and it definitely looks to be interesting (and very very creative and funny).Author's Response: Hello! I'm glad you liked this story and my characterization of Lavender, poor girl. Report Review
Because Ron Weasley didn't walk downstairs shirtless with a skanky brunette who clearly had terrible surgery.
At least Hermione Granger can do a proper enlargement charm.
OH MY GOD. I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. WHY. OH NOT HERMIONE, NOT HERMIONE. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
*FIVE MINUTES LATER*
HAHAHAHAHA.Author's Response: Hi Deeds! I hope you're feeling better, and I'm glad you liked this chapter! Report Review
I loved this chapter! I think that every ship you have introduced me to through your stories I end up shipping haha :)
I love your writing style! It's so unique and funny! The characterisation was brilliant! Can't wait to read more!
JazAuthor's Response: Hey! I'm really glad you like my stories and my ships. The next chapter should be out soon! Report Review
Here from review tag!
It's nice to see you wrote a story about Lavender, she relaly gets an unfair depiction a lot of the time after she acted so ridiculous when she was dating Ron, it seems like most people portray her just like that on the rare occaisions that she's written about. It as nie to see something from her perspective.
I also enjoyed the premise of the story, its also very easy for it to relate to real life with how hard it is for people to find jobs now. Oh, and a Doctor Who shoutout! But I noticed it was David Tennant Dr. Who, who looks an awful lot like Barty Crouch Jr, hmmm
This was aninteresting introduction, and we can see the plauisble set up for the potential Lavender/Seamus shipAuthor's Response: Hello Cassius!
I agree Lavender gets abused a lot in FF which is mainly why I decided to write her into this plot. You'll also find that the vast majority of my stories have Dr. Who shoutouts. :)
I hope you liked the story! Report Review
Hahaha, I love how Lavender forces Parvarti to taste test all her cupcakes. Parvarti's descriptions were hilarious to boot. Poor Lavender!
I'm glad batch 15 came out all right, and giggled that they were woken up by a bunch of cats. Lavender is so dramatic - like the fact that her cupcakes are more important than some dying man at St. Mungo's.
I also love the idea of a lucky bra, and the pattern sounds super cute! Let's see if the bra brings her luck and she can actually bake some cupcakes!
I about died when Seamus came down and Lavender was drooling over him without realizing who it was. Hello, shirtless Seamus! Haha, even he knew she couldn't cook! I thought it was great that she kept getting distracted by his state of undress - so stinkin' cute!
Yay! Her cupcakes were good! She won't get fired, at least not yet, hopefully! But boo for that girl attached to Seamus, only wearing a Cannon's shirt? Please. I have lots of words to describe her and none of them are pleasant! I want to know who she is though and how fast we can get rid of her so Lavender and Seamus can get together.
Nice chapter! I'm really enjoying this. Again, I did notice some grammatical and spelling errors, so maybe a beta could help you clean it up a bit. :)Author's Response: You're going to feel even worse for Parvarti later on. This is only the beginning.
I'm glad you like my Lavender and I'm also glad you liked my Seamus. Who wouldn't get distracted by a shirtless man?
Lavender also has some choice words for that girl...in the next chapter. I hope you stick around! Report Review
This was a really cute first chapter. I really adore your take on Lavender in this piece - she's very superficial and somewhat shallow, but quirky as well. I love her inner commentary, especially the bit about the boys and her parents naming her after two colors because I definitely did NOT realize that until you mentioned it! Hot Pink Brown would've been a mouthful though. ;)
I love how she's struggling to find a job, and she blows her rent money on a new outfit. Typical. When you first mention her interviewing for Finnigan's Bakery, you mention it as her third job though she had already applied at a different job, so there was a bit of confusion there.
There were a few grammatical and spelling errors too, but I think a quick read-through will help clear those up.
I love how she sort of lies about knowing how to bake (baking cupcakes once doesn't really count as experience, hah!) I'll be interested to see how she fairs at an actual shop baking cupcakes and to see the first interaction between her and Seamus (which is totally a cute ship, by the way).
Also, I love how you tie in the bit about her being bitten by a werewolf, but I'm not sure how convenient it is for her to not actually turn into a werewolf. Is that even possible, or was it simply added for the sake of your story? Parvarti's bit about being half-Muggle and taking Muggle studies and being able to get a job was a nice touch too - very realistic, and I laughed when Lavender faked being deaf when Parvarti brought up the rent.
I hope she doesn't mess up this job. Great first chapter. :)Author's Response: I had to write Lavender, she's so abused in the Draco/Hermione stories and when I was re-reading the books I realized she wasn't all that bad. Just a little shallow and boy-crazy and really who isn't?
I shall get to those mistakes.
That thing with the werewolf...yeah, that one's a bit tough to work out. I wanted to keep it canon though. It's still giving me problems though.
Glad you liked it! Report Review
I love this storyyy!!!
Asdfgjkl; it's adorable and cute and charming and full of rainbow cupcakes filled with sprinkles and GO MINOR CHARACTERS!! I think it would be funny if the brunette was something they went to school with, eg. Marietta Edgecombe, Pansy Parkinson, Daphne Greengrass, Susan Bones.. Idk.
Anyways I'm not a huge fan of Seamus in the movies but you make him sound pretty hot. So I like it. And Lav sound like a good friend to have.
Great story!Author's Response: Hey Kat! I'm glad you liked this story, I just had to write Lavender Brown because she's one of the most abused minor characters ever, poor girl. I don't think the brown haired girl is going to be anyone we know though, just a random OC. Report Review
Really good! And very funny. I love the lucky frogs :)
And I love the way you've portrayed Lavender- she's not the whiny cow she usually is in FF! :)Author's Response: Lavender kicks butt! I'm glad you liked her and the story! Report Review
Bah bah bah. Lucky underwear for the win! I'm with Lavender on this one. Works like a treat.
Ahha, good old cooking failures. I'm pretty sure that I'd have a similar issue. My cooking failure is soup. I always burn it. LIke, I don't know how - I didn't realise you could burn soup but... yeah. You can.
I loved how Lavender made a reference to the whole RON incident, although I'm not sure I can see her as the fat girl but... A boys voice. A CUTE BOY? Ahha,I loved that :)
Great second chapter!
-ACAuthor's Response: Lucky bra actually :). And if you think burning soup is bad let me tell you about the time I exploded my eggs. Like literally exploded.
Lavender's boy crazy. :) Report Review
Ahha, this kind of reminds me of how I got my job. Lets just say that there wasn't a lot of a real interview process involved in securing it. They actually didn't even know my surname. so, I'm fully aware that it can happen :)
The bit about 'what were my parents thinking, naming me after a colour when my surname was already a colour' really cracked me up, because that had literally never occured to me before. Ahha. She seems fabulous, anyway, and I can't wait to read on!
-ACAuthor's Response: I'm glad you liked this one as well! :) Report Review
Hi! You'e tagged!!
I was so happy to tag you because I had seen that this story was updated recently and I couldn't wait to review it (alright, I would have reviewed it anyway tonight buit, this is just earlier!).
I really like this story a lot. It's hilarious and your writting style is just so original. The characters are great, all of them are full-fledge and well rounded charactesr; none of them is superficial or, you know, just there. I really enjoy that.
Now this chapter was really enjoyable for two reasons. One, the progression of the story was nicely done; you really keep the same rythm of the first one and the same tone, the action goes forward. Second, the way you wrote the chapter is great. The different styles and cuts in the story do not feel out of place. All of them fit and do not break the flow so this is a good thing.
I did notice quite a few spelling or errors in this chapter and I wish to point them out to you:
"...where it proclaimed it loud letters that..." ; proclaimed 'in' loud letters
"...collage boys..."; still not sure if that is a mistake or not since I pointed it out in the first chapter, please tell me if I'm wrong here (so I can learn a new vocab word!!)
"...poster of the lead singer of the Weird Sisters lead singer…shirtless..."; no really, it's the lead singer??? :P
"...I would imagine a car tire to taste like..."; this isn't an error per se, it's just that I personally think it would sound better if you said : '...a car tire would taste like...'
"...“I gave her a look. I won’t,..."; you didn't open your dialogue in the right place here
"...Parvarti Patel."; this happens a couple times in this chapter, her last name is 'Patil' and not 'Patel'
"...destroy other persons hope..."; other person's hope (you forgot the apostrophe)
"...who was sitting across from me eating. A little crisp but not bad."; you forgot to open the dialogue at the end of the small paragraph
That's it! It was a great chapter, great story and greatly done. I really enjoyed it and can't wait to read the rest!Author's Response: Hey Akussa! I went to a MtG this Sunday! I actually won three games, mostly with my red deck!
I'm glad you like my characters, and sorry about all the mistakes with Patil's name, my dentist's last name is Patel and I keep getting them mixed up. And I will be sure to fix the rest of the problems that you pointed out.
Thanks for the AWESOME review! Report Review
Hey! Here from review tag :)
The beginning of this was really cute. I love the little slight toward Dramione fans -- that was pretty funny! I did notice a few typos in this section, mostly mis-spelled words ('college', not 'collage') and places where 'a' or 'the' was missing, so I would just proofread your chapters a little more closely before you post. Also, I don't know how much you care about being accurate as far as Brit-picking, but I'm a fan of the U.K. version of Skins and I think it's implied there that 'college' actually refers to what Americans would think of as high school. I'm not positive, though, so double-check before you make any changes.
I really loved the recounting of Lavender's many failed attempts to make cupcakes. Your descriptions were really funny and you created a lot of sympathy for her character with her desperation. The last bit was funny, too, with Lavender's reaction to seeing Seamus. Still, I have to say -- I'm not sure why he would come downstairs in his boxers when he knew that other people might be in the shop. I guess Seamus would be prone to strange behavior like that :)
Great work! I'm really enjoying the story :)
AmandaAuthor's Response: I had to, I hate Dramione SO MUCH! There is no way canon Hermione would even look at canon Draco twice.
Sorry for all the mistakes, I was just in such a rush to get it into the queue, don't worry it will be edited! I'm glad you like Lavender, and of course Seamus would come downstairs in his boxers. He's just strange like that! Report Review
Sorry about not doing this sooner :/ Also, I would have reviewed the story you wanted me too but I'd already reviewed it haha.
Anyway, I've never thought about Lavender/Seamus together but when I think about it, it would be a good couple. You are introducing me to a lot of new pairings! Thank you haha :)
The characterisation was brilliant! Lavender was very, well, Lavender (my vocabulary isn't that great today)
Very unique storyline and I can't wait to see where this goes!
JazAuthor's Response: No problem! I'm glad you liked this one as well, I love writing minor pairings. :)
Hey! Here from review tag :)
This is a cute start to a story, and I kind of like the Lavender/Seamus ship. I liked the commentary scattered throughout this piece, like the Veela comment about the shirt and Lavender's recollection of her previous job applications.
I do have a couple of brief critiques. "You see after trying on several different outfits for my job interview, I finally remembered my new top and put it on." - that line didn't really seem like it was in the right place to me. Lavender spent the first part of the story ranting and raving about the top, and then all of a sudden she'd forgotten about it, which seems a little odd to me. You've also got some punctuation and phrasing that doesn't really sound right, so you might look into getting a beta (if you don't have one already) to double-check chapters before you post them, that's all :)
In some places, you did a good job of including detail. For example, you did well to include the werewolf incident with Lavender, and to explain the Muggle references by saying that Parvati was a half-blood who also took Muggle Studies.
Nice work! Cute first chapter :)
academicaAuthor's Response: Hello! Thanks for pointing out my mistakes, I'll be sure to look over everything and fix it when the queue re-opens.
Thanks for the nice review! Report Review
Hi! You're tagged!
This is a very interesting opening chapter. I really like it and I absolutly love your take on Lavender! She is absolutly great!
I really like your narrative style. You manage to use the first person really well and it feels like we are in the mind of Lavender and not simply reading about what she thinks (if that makes sense).
I noticed a couple little typos in there :
"...I’m at of my rope..."; I think you forgot a word in there '...at the end of my rope...' maybe?
"...with a lot of muggle collage kids..."; do you mean 'college kids' ? If so, the same error can be found near the end of the chapter, if not, sorry, my mistake!
"...She was too busy flirting with Neville who was currently working there, Neville was completely oblivious, but even I stopped to check him out."; this sentence is a bit hard to understand. Maybe you should cut it in half?
"...I was a little tacked aback..."; should be 'taken'
That's it! I really enjoyed it an I can't wait to read the rest and how this job will turn out for Lavender! Great opening chapter, you've really picked my curiousity!!Author's Response: Hello! I'm glad you liked this story, I was really quite nervous when it came out because Lavender is a very different type of character then the ones I normally write. My sister loves her though so I decided I'd post it to get her off my back. :)
Thank you for pointing out all the typos, when the queue reopens I will fix all of those! Report Review
Cuttteee :) Love the Whovian refrences and the older Mrs Finnegan, I really like this. I just don't understand why Pavarti has blue eyes, but other than that, she's very Pavarti-ish. Great characterisation as we don't know much about Lavender from the books, so I can't wait to read more! :DAuthor's Response: Why can't Pavarti have blue eyes? I guess I see where you're coming from, but still.
Glad you liked it though! :) :) Report Review
I really liked this, I've never actually read a Lavender story before! I loved what you said about Neville! Soo true :P And Doctor Who, such good taste ;P I'll definitely be sticking around for more! This is a really cool story :DAuthor's Response: Lavender doesn't have a voice, she's normally just the girl Ron sleeps with so Hermione can run off with Draco. I'm glad you liked my take on her! :) Report Review
Wow! This is really quite good!
I like the style of this story--the silliness and sarcasm suits Lavender's character well.
You have a really good sense of humor, and there are parts that really were funny. Like, the list of job's she'd applied to and the "and if you're an alien I shall take you to my leader...". Cool stroke of creativity! :)
Overall, this first chapter has a nice flow and you introduce a lot without it being overwhelming.
But, I will point out some stuff that somewhat ruins that flow:
1) Diction - "runs toward him like he's a container of ice cream"; to keep more in with the style you're setting up, I think you should choose a more descriptive verb that "run", like "darts", for example, and also add a flavor of ice cream so that it has better flow. What is Parvati's favorite flavor, btw? XD
2) Confusion over description- when you say "but even I stopped to check him out. Puberty was clearly in love with that boy", does that mean that Neville is really good-looking now? I'm really confused about "puberty was clearly in love with that boy"...
1) "abilities, however" - you need either a period or semicolon (and then a comma after however) b/c they are two independent clauses
2) "tacked aback" - taken aback?
3)"said Mrs. Finnigan, she then began to wheel" - again, either a period or semicolon b/c too independent clauses
Yup, that's it! Sorry to be so picky, it's just I really like this beginning, and I want your story to stand out from the rest! :)Author's Response: Hello! Don't worry about being picky, I want my story to do well as well. :)
Thanks for everything, and I'm glad you liked it!
When I say puberty was in love with that boy I mean that Neville got insanely hot. :) Report Review
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