I liked this beginning! I liked how you showed a casual conversation between Rose and her friends. It's very believable, especially the part about Hermione being a stickler for looking for a career! Nice job!Author's Response: Yay, thank you for reading and reviewing! Glad you liked it, and hope you continue to. :D Report Review
Hey, and I'm back!
Let's start off with some positives: A very well written opening to yet another chapter; I like the dominating introduction of the team. The part where you compared it to the Annual Swedish Broom Race, defeating Dark wizards etc simply added to the impact. Also you were, to some extent, successful in maintaining a persistent flow from the introduction to the scenario where Rose's all set for the trials. Good job. =).
Moving on: I found the 'golden suite tradition' idea rather entertaining and extremely amusing. Something you don't expect in a professional team; it's good to know that such a successful team is not what you expect it to be: serious and boring =P. Your idea of them having fun and their coach taking it all lightly too was a really good one =) Again, the match was well described indeed; you sure created an appropriate atmosphere. I must say that you are excellent at writing Quidditch matches. The exquisite details make me feel like I'M there too. Keep it up! =)
Now towards Scorpius' character. It was wayy different than what I have read of him. It was fresh and I liked how you've viewed to be different than the Malfoy he is. However, I would've liked you to mention him in more detail. I know this was only the introduction of him and that more will come, but here, there should have been some mention of his personality that confirmed the fact that he really is Draco Malfoy's son despite his friendliness. Other characters are also well created and I like the serious yet fun character of Coach Wood. It's good to see him like that =)
Scorpius' relationship with both James and Rose is not what I expected. I would've enjoyed to see him and Rose not getting along, from the scratch. If you're planning on taking their relationship towards a future, there should be a bit more resentment, hesitation, reluctance and slightly more arguing =P between the two; considering their family history. Also, it would be more interesting and really fun to read. I hope you think on working on it. =) On the other hand I really really liked how James is friends with him! Their friendship is going to be really interesting to read about! It's a really different approach and I like it =)
That's it from me at the moment. Keep up the hard work! You'll rock it for sure! =) Looking forward to you experimenting a bit with the relationships between all the characters.
I hope you like my reviews as much as you liked my username. Thank you for requesting! =) Good luck and Happy writing!
-apocalypseAuthor's Response: Not gonna lie, but I really love your reviews! I'm glad you liked the traditions and little things. I can't help but add those, because otherwise I think the chapters and stories are just lacking. Yay, my quidditch scenes didn't suck, which is good since I plan on writing a lot more.
I'm glad you liked Scorpius' portrayal. I just really wanted to write him differently, since he always seems to be a one note character. As to Rose and James, she doesn't exactly have a reason to really resent him much... yet. They are more of a tough love family since she was the only girl who the boys in the family paid attention to growing up. For Scorpius and James, its sort of the same as my view for this ScoRose, I just want it to be different, and hopefully memorable. I know everyone expects fighting or resentment due to their families, but if there is any it won't be because of that.
Again thank you so much for the reviews! I love them! Report Review
Hey, apocalypse here with another review!
Let's get started with some appreciation, shall we? =)
Now this chapter had a much more appropriate and effective beginning than the previous one. The impact was much better in this chapter. Good work. =) Good to see Ron in the picture and you mentioned Hugo as well, though I missed Hermione; her guest appearance would've been fun. Three years? Quite a jump. You mentioned Rose being on the team since like two years? And that she didn't rent an apartment yet and is staying with her parents; the thing that seems to be a bit off track is Hermione's presence and/or reaction? Knowing her, I'm sure she might have had a bit of a disagreement on this issue at some point or the other. You didn't mention it so it, I guess, just seemed incomplete.
On the other hand, I liked your interpretation on both, Ron/Rose and Hugo/Rose, relationships; it was very sweet. =). It's fun to see Ron playing his 'Dad' role. =P I must say impressive speed at which you're progressing with Rose's character. Well done! Can't wait to see what more you can do with her character. =D
Moving on: The flashback. Woah. I can see your passion and love for Quidditch by the way you've described the match scenario; keeping in mind the atmosphere, set up and all the minor details. You sure seem to be a huge fan of that game. It was very well written and almost seemed liked you've actually witnessed a live match too; sounded like you were actually there. Really well done =). Now that I know your secret weapon: i.e. good at writing quidditch scenes, my expectations for the next match are higher. Good luck for that!
What Rose did in that match was for sure a big step; no wonder you described her as bold. She being so carefree proves that she's in fact her father's daughter. Haha. Again! Hermione? Where is she? Her presence was much needed in this particular situation. Hermione just seemed to be missing throughout the scenario, making it seem a bit off. Consider mentioning her in the upcoming chapters; with Ron and Hugo in the picture it just seems to be unfair not mentioning her. =P
Her getting a job right after she got kicked off was pure luck but a really good idea. I can't wait to see where it leads her to or should I say to WHOM it leads her to. =D
The transition between the present and the past in this chapter lacked fluidity; it was kind of abrupt. Just a minor aspect seeking for some more attention, which I know you will be working on, soon. I know you'll be able to do well in the upcoming chapters.
That's it from me, for now. Good Luck! I will surely be coming back for more. =)Author's Response: I really do like the Quidditch. And Im glad you liked the Quidditch bits I wrote cuz quite honestly they took a lot of time and research before I was at all okay with them.
When it comes to Hermione, to be honest again I really just fear writing her partially because of a hatred for her in the movies, not as much as Ginny though. But I will be sure to have her in the next few chapters, until then my excuse for her not being there was she was at work. Lol.
To tell you the truth the part where she signs to Puddlemere then, literally popped into my head as I was writing it down, no for thought whatsoever. ;)
Lastly, my transitions, I don't really think they had ever been much good. Even when I had to write 5 paragraph essays for school.
Anyway, thank you so much for the review! Your critique is exactly what I've been needing! :D Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review! I'm really sorry for the delay, I've been really tied up in work!
So, let's start off with discussing the areas of concern, shall we?
Firstly, the characterization: All the characters are very well written; Rose, Alice, Patrick but I think my personal favorite would be Albus, for sure! I like how you portrayed him to be the one with a good sense of humor and his 'watching-out for the cousin' attitude towards Rose. One of my favorite parts was when Albus gave Patrick that 'really-you-know-I'm-the-son-of-Harry-Potter-right' look. It was really amazing and something one would definitely expect the son of such a famous person to do! Really good =D Moreover, the way you're handling Rose's character is different and I like your approach. Hopefully, it'll prove to be a big plus point for your story. Not revealing the entire her just yet was a smart move and I really wasn't expecting her to give quidditch tryout! I'm surely going to have fun reading more about her character. Keep it up =)
Now towards the story plot. Your plot sure has a lot of potential. It's good, it's unique and it's fast paced. However, a plot is the base of your idea; and you need to build up on it slightly in order to deliver your idea. Your plot is brilliant but needs slight work which I'm sure you'll have no problem with =)
Moreover, your paragraphs have a smooth flow. The fluidity maintained throughout their conversation deserves an appreciation, really good work on that! =) The frankness you initiated into the atmosphere was just amazing. I had fun reading it.
Guess we finally made it to the bumpy part now. =P. The start seemed more of a scene from between one of the chapters rather than a proper introduction to a story. A bit more work on the start and your story would've had a totally different and would have had a greater and better impact on the readers. The start should always contain some clues about what's ahead so that the readers may develop interest and can't help themselves but come back for more, if you know what I mean. =)
In addition to that, your dialogues are perfectly fine but in order to establish a proper balance in your story, work on the description as well. For instance the surrounding while they were having their conversation could've been better if described with details; it helps your readers imagine the exact same picture that YOU imagine your characters in.
Irrespective of those two minor things that I thought I should mention, the rest was good. I like the way you ended this chapter, it wasn't something that I expected, it's good to catch your readers off guard. =) Good work! You sure have the potential as well as the passion, just bring it out through your writing, you'll rock it for sure. =)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the reviews! Sorry its taken me so long to respond! I shall definitely get to working on the descriptions and details, as well as the fluidity, good point there actually :D. I'm really glad you liked it, as I am pretty obsessed with writing and planning out this story. Report Review
Scorpius and Rose banter. :) That I write/read about a lot, I can say that this one was good. They're very playful and fun in this story. It's very lighthearted.
And James and Dirk are great characters. Although Dirk seems to be hiding something a little bit. I dunno. That might just be me.
I like everyone to have hidden secrets. :) I write darker stuff a lot. Secrets are good I've discovered.
Anyways, James and Scorpius are great as friends. They're very goofy, but that's what make them so fun. I like that you've made them friends, as most people don't do that. It puts an interesting spin on them.
This is very long.
And I'm done now.Author's Response: Hehe, aww thank you! I want it to be a different ScoRose.
Dirk may be hiding something, or maybe just not mentioning something. lol Who know? Except me really, and yeah secrets and stuff make stories interesting!
I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Yay, Quidditch! And Ron! Rose is a very fierce character. She's like I've always imagined her.
I don't do a lot of stories from Rose's POV but I do a lot with her, so I like this. She's great.Author's Response: You liking my Rose makes me really very happy! And the Ron, can't forget him! lol
Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
I liked this chapter. Al made me smile. He's great.
Rose is an interesting character. She's got many layers... She's really fun though. :)Author's Response: Yay! Thank you... and is it bad that when you said she's got many layers, that it just reminded me of Shrek? lol
Any way thanks for the review, glad you enjoyed! :D Report Review
Hello there *waves back*...wow I really liked this chapter! Rose is an awesome main character and it is a change to see James and Scorpius as friends instead of James and Albus...sorry minor detail that I liked! I really love Rose and Scorpius' relationship and I can't wait for more! Hmmm... Dirk Wood on the other hand, may seem like a problem...but if he does cause any real damage...just call me and I will beat him up...XD Anyways sorry for my craziness and ridiculously annoyingly long review! I will shut up now, and end by saying thank you for rewarding me with this amazingly, awesomely, cool, yet funny, and FANTABULOUS chappie! Update soon...pretty please just for me ;)Author's Response: Yay! I really like your reaction to this chapter :) I hoped it would be funny. And the James instead of Scorpius wont be the most minor detail for long I think, Albus will be there too. Hehe Wood got you riled up? Excellent *taps fingers like Mr. Burns* Anyway, Im trying to make it different than most ScoRoses, so we will both have to see what happens because my ideas are still making themselves coherent, lol. Also, I love your crazy long review, and you are free to continue them so long as I keep writing chapters that are worthy of them :D I will update as soon as I can, just for you ;) Thank you! Report Review
This was a good second chapter :) You are amazing at writing the Quidditch scenes though! This is short but good story so far...but I am dying (literally...lol) for Scorpius to come into the picture! Pretty pleassse XD!Author's Response: I'm so happy to hear that someone actually likes my sports writing, I wasn't so sure of it to begin with. :D I think because of it though is why it was so short. And no fear, Scorpius shall appear! And there will be a lot of him! Thank you for your reviews, sorry it took so long to respond! Report Review
haha I was laughing so hard! Rose, the Snitch. Awesome! :)
and I also really like all the characters :) looking forward to the next chapter :)Author's Response: Hehe, glad you liked it!. I thought it was ridiculous but it worked! Thank you so much for your review! I will be updating as often as I can. :D :D Thanks! Report Review
hahahaha that was great! I love quidditch chapters :) I also love Quaffle O's Cereal is my favorite anyway so that just made it better. It's actually pretty realistic that you made the Cannons' management so bad, it makes so much sense! Plus after the game was so funny, how she was like, you know it got me disqualified, and dismissed right? and he was like, oh great! lol I literally laughed out loud :) Really great job, you were still able to give them all a lot of character even if the story was going quickly. Good luck with the rest of it!Author's Response: OmyMerlin! Your reviews make me squee with happiness! Everything is coming across as I've planned mwahaha!There shall be much more quidditch to come :D Yay you liked the scout bit, I was hoping that wouldn't go unnoticed!
Thank you thank you thank you!!! I'm so glad you like it! So glad in fact that I forgo proper punctuation lolz Report Review
I really like it so far, you got the friendship dynamics down really well, I like how they interact with each other, it seems a lot more realistic than other stories. I love that Rose is actually a combination of both Ron and Hermione, it's real cliche when people do one or the other. So, it's a great start, can't wait to see what happens next :)Author's Response: Sorry it took forever for me to get to these, I had work and the archive was down. But yay! Thank you so much! I've tried my darned'est to make her not cliched, as I've read many Rose's who are. I'm throwing this ScoRose in from left field and trying to at least be a little different. :D
Thank you again! Report Review
ScoRose...I never had much to say on them I always thought people liked them because they could make Ron have fits, but moving on from that.
I think your story is pretty good, as I mentioned I never really thought about this pairing, but it's good! You are a really good author, and the people in your story like Patrick are great!
LizzieAuthor's Response: Awww thank you, means a lot when I know you really only do the Harry/Ginny thing :) Report Review
First of I am so sorry this review is so late!
I loved this. I am a massive fan of ScoRo. and so far I love your portrayal of the characters! Especially Patrick... you have to love the way he just walks off the second hair is mentioned. typical! :)
This has some great potential and I can wait to read more!Author's Response: Haha Yay!
Everyone has mention Patrick so far which I find odd, hmmm He may become more later than.
I'm really glad you like it! I'll get the next one out as soon as possible! Thank you! Report Review
Very interesting beginning! Can't wait for more...and those tryouts!Author's Response: Thank you very much! Don't worry, the next chapter should be out soon depending on the queue! Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I saw you asking for some thoughts on the forums so I thought I'd stop by.
I like where this story is going with Rose. She has some some interesting dynamics and you could see that she tries to remain pretty low key and then goes and wows them all. I have a feeling Hermione doesn't want her daughter to pursue Quidditch or she wouldn't be keeping it quiet.
The other characters were also interesting, especially Patty and the way he was described as clinging to a group. I'm curious where it leads.
There were a few grammar issues, mainly at the end of dialogue, it should be a comma rather than a full stop. I also found the sentence below which needs to be rearranged slightly.
“Oh so she’s badgering you about the career thing again? I think that deserves a butterbeer.” Asked Alice as she stood. “Who else needs a round?” = “Oh so she’s badgering you about the career thing again?" asked Alice as she stood. “I think that deserves a butterbeer. Who else needs a round?”
It was mentioned that this was a prologue and it didn't really come across as such. It read more like a first chapter, but of course that is coming form someone who doesn't know where it's going. I think it was just the amount of random banter between people rather than the chapter being a more reflective look back.
Overall though, it was an enjoyable first chapter. I found the first part with Hermione and Rose very engaging and the theme of Rose's future that was immediately introduced was continued throughout. Well done.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm fixin' that stuff right now! :) Report Review
Hey there. Review swapper :)
From what you've written so far, the story does have potential. I have a few suggestions though.
1) Your summary. A summary is really really important. It's what decides wether or not the reader will stop to read your story. Your summary doesn't offer enough information as to what the story is actually about...
2) Words like cannot, do not, etc when in dialogue read smother when you change them to can't don't, etc. It just reads better.
3) the prologue. If you're going to call the first chapter a prologue, it needs to be shorter with foreshadowing for later chapters. This is more like a first chapter, not a chapter one. Maybe switch up the POV? Have it describe the tryouts or someting?
I did enjoy it however (sorryif my comments seem harsh...)
- kirstenalannaAuthor's Response: Totally cool, I've been having major trouble with the summary and think it is about time to get it sorted. And yes, I shall get on to the grammar, ;)
I think I just called it the prologue because I'm introducing the main character about 3 years before the actual story starts if that works.
Anyway thank you so much for the review, it is very helpful! :D Report Review
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