Reading Reviews for Beyond Help
  
60 Reviews Found

Review #26, by panchami Can't get my head around you

30th June 2011:
hey this is really got I just love mint's character pleae keep on writing.

Author's Response: Thanks, hun~!

-Vi.


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Review #27, by reallifewizard Can't get my head around you

29th June 2011:
I love sushi!!! :D Great chapter :)

Author's Response: Sushisushisushisushi. I can't live without it. And Chinese food. Who doesn't love it? :D Thanks for leaving a review~

-Vi.


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Review #28, by makoshark Can't get my head around you

29th June 2011:
"I'm not sure that the picture of the wide-eyed zombie girl biting out the brains of Scorpius Malfoy was part of James homework, but if it is, his Arithmancy's Professor is awesome."

That line is brilliant!

Author's Response: Ha Thanks. That just shows how much James loves Scorpius :DD

-Vi.


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Review #29, by Forever I spy with my little eye

29th June 2011:
There are a few grammar/ word usage mistakes that I caught. Also some sentence structure. I guess English isn't your first language? If this is true, I'm impressed by some of the words, etc, but there are still a few confusions. For one, inebriated means drunk and I don't think anyone would be drunk in the middle of class. If this is what you meant, you may want to give a little backstory or clues as to why Deb thinks he's drunk. Maybe get a beta that speaks both your original language and English and then another that only speaks English and get them both to edit it, so you have your meaning but it makes sense to an English speaking person? Very good on the whole though and I love the plot, I just cannot get past some grammar mistakes.

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Review #30, by stepnhunguyen Can't get my head around you

28th June 2011:
Oh, poor Jake! Andy is definitely the bad cop, but he should've been less...fierce to Jake. Yes, he is dating Lily. :) James really should not judge, but that's his flaw I guess. I'm glad that they acted somewhat civil to eachother and they learned more about eachother. That's a good sign, right?

10/10

happy daze.

Author's Response: Oh our James has a lot of flaws. Just like Debbie. Being civil is always a good sign...Or maybe not :D

-Vi.


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Review #31, by Seriously_in_love I spy with my little eye

26th June 2011:
i love th main character she is so damaged but a kind of damaged that can be fixed

Author's Response: Thanks~. I love her too. :D

-Vi.


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Review #32, by EffyFoSho Ain't no rest for the wicked

23rd April 2011:
I really liked this chapter again but there are a few punctuation mistakes and at one point it doesn't seem to flow very well but I'm sure if you just looked it over you could fix all that :)
I'm really excited to see how Deb is going to make James fall in love with her, specially since they don't like eachother
Great chapter, again :) xxx

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Review #33, by EffyFoSho The beginning.

23rd April 2011:
Ooh, I really like it so far.
Deborah sounds like a really interesting character and the idea of 'The Illegals' already has me hooked :)
On to the next chapter
Effy xxx

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Review #34, by krapfm I spy with my little eye

20th April 2011:
very interesting :)
Favorite people: The Illegals and Lily!!! (oh and Fred, but only when in a pink tutu :P) and that phrase:
"Exploding toilet."Eric said.
"Wasn't our fault, really," Danny explained. "The toilet got in the way"
:D
krapfm

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Review #35, by Forever I spy with my little eye

20th April 2011:
Love the story concept, but I can't say your writing is too good. It almost seems as though English is a second language? It's really only the sentence structure, some grammar, and spelling. You might want to have someone edit it before. I noticed it a bit in your other chapters, but this one was much worse.

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Review #36, by stepnhunguyen I spy with my little eye

13th April 2011:
ANTHONY IS AWESOME.

He's hilarious, how he attempts to hit on Deb. And the person who's more awesome than Anthony? DEB. I love how her replied to Anthony; she's awesome. My favorites quotes from her are all of those things she said back to him. That made me crack up. :D

Gee, James is being mean! But he's got a past, which is probably why he doesn't trust Deb at all.

Favorites characters so far: Anthony, Deb, James, and Briony! .I was kidding about the last one.

10/10

haPpy DaZe

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Review #37, by AlexFan I spy with my little eye

13th April 2011:
I love Deb . . . she is evil, just like me excpet I'm a tad more violent and scary.

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Review #38, by reallifewizard I spy with my little eye

12th April 2011:
Okay...i love it. and i am happy beyond belief that you named her deborah because debbie is my favorite name in the whole world, its an ongoing joke between me and my friends and i cant hear that name without cracking up, so it just makes me love it even more. yay.

Author's Response: Aww thanks. The name was just perfect for her. At first I thought it wasn't a pretty name, but now I just love it.

-Vi.


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Review #39, by Anne Ain't no rest for the wicked

11th April 2011:
That was really good. Please, please, please, please, please, please continue! :)

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Review #40, by krapfm Ain't no rest for the wicked

3rd April 2011:
Hey
Hopefully you are already better now :)
Please continue with this story! Honestly the Illegals are awesome. Even if they do a lot of wrong things.but I don't know, they still are very likeable.
I'm very much looking forward to an update :D
krapfm

Author's Response: Aw. Thanks. I'm better. The chapter 3 is already written for some time now. I'm just waiting for it to be beta'ed :) And I love Illegals too.

-Vi.


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Review #41, by lily16 Ain't no rest for the wicked

30th March 2011:
Ahh I love this! You should definitely continue, there's no question.

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Review #42, by fethre Ain't no rest for the wicked

29th March 2011:
A very good second chapter.
I have the feeling you're going to completely surprise us, even if right now it does seem like it will be cliche.
I'd like to point out a few mistakes with quotation marks. I don't know if you've already noticed, but in some places, it looks like you've used commas. This is mostly in the beginning.
Example: ĄThe first day back at school and weĎre already late.ď
I don't know if something messed up with that, or if it was just a slip, but watch out. It can confuse the readers as to when someone is saying that.
I'm much looking forward to the third chapter. I hope you'll be able to update soon.
-fethre.

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Review #43, by fethre The beginning.

29th March 2011:
Overall, this was a nice introduction.
I feel like I know a little bit about Deb, which definitely makes it easier to read and slip into.
I think this should be a rather interesting story, and I can't wait to see how it turns out.
-fethre.

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Review #44, by fallingfromthestars Ain't no rest for the wicked

4th February 2011:
haha, I almost chocked on my lemonade when I read the part about all of them helping Danny (I think it was him) to stop chocking and the other two just sat and watched.

Author's Response: Ahh yes. They really love each other :) I think Deborah and Emer would be concerned if it was the first time :D.

-Vi.


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Review #45, by hellouniverse100 Ain't no rest for the wicked

3rd February 2011:
You should CONTINUE! I like the story so far and it is interesting! :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm writing, I'm writing!

-Vi.


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Review #46, by libby103 Ain't no rest for the wicked

29th January 2011:
Hey there!
It's Liberty from my review thread on the forums!
I'm so sorry that this review has taken weeks for me to get to!

Anyways, I won't be pointing out any errors here because the ones I found were mostly of the same sort as the previous. The only way for you to remedy that is by getting a beta quite honestly...

To talk about the actual story!

So I love your narrative, it's funny. "Wotters" and "Peasleys"? Yes. Just yes to that.

My only criticism with your writing is that you have so much dialogue. I love seeing dialogue in stories, especially as how a lot of authors forsake it for internal monologues, but I felt that you had more dialogue than plot development. However, the dialogue did serve to develop characters. When you did have internal monologues, they were served to develop Deb's character a whole bunch.

What I'm basically saying is, this is good, your main character is getting some good background before you get into the main story (or at least I think this isn't the main story.) However, I'm hoping that this starts going somewhere soon. The first chapter was an introduction and this chapter feels like another introduction, another chapter of intro would become a bit repetitive.

Also, I get where this plot is going, it's a bit obvious. Deb's going to get James Potter to fall in love with her despite the fact that she detests everything he stands for. I feel as if you're setting this story up so that Deb will fall for James in the process then Eric (that's the one that likes her right?) will notice and tell James why Deb ever started hanging around him and etc. That's where it sounds this story is going to go. That's not necessarily bad, but keep it interesting and don't veer too much into cliche territory.

Your dialogue, which compromises a good portion of the chapter, is really good though. You manage to make everything flow and keep to the witty tone the story seems to exude.

I hope I wasn't too harsh and that my comments helped!
from,
Liberty

p.s. feel free to re-request me on my thread whenever your newest chapters are up!

Author's Response: You weren't exactly right about how the story will go. At first this story can look really obvious, but it's not. So things can look a little bit cliche in this story, but it's mainly about our inner demons. I made Andie say that "The girls seduces the guy, the guy falls in love, then the girl falls for him too..." because it's not going to be like this. Or I hope so.

-Vi.


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Review #47, by xxblackxx Ain't no rest for the wicked

28th January 2011:
I already added this story to my favorite. :D
It's so cool and I like that you make her so great and they're all so cool.
I love the Potter/Weasley and Illegals rivalry.
It's fun.

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm really happy to hear this.

-Vi.


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Review #48, by ronhermione4evr The beginning.

21st January 2011:
ronhermione4evr from the forums, here with your review!

It was a well-constructed first chapter. I definitely think that you could work on the spacing of the story, though, because even though it was a short chapter, it seemed very long when I was reading it. One thing I liked is how you showed the Potters and the Weasleys in more of a negative light. I guess that it's something new to those reading because most of the fanfiction next generation you read about in OC has to do with them falling in love or befriending them, so this definitely was a pleasant change.

-ronhermione4evr

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. Actually this story has something to do with Oc befriending the clan. But it's not a pleasant thing.

-Vi


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Review #49, by libby103 The beginning.

19th January 2011:
Hey! It's Liberty from my review threads on the forums!
Sorry this took long...

As far as characters go, your main character is the only one really introduced. Deborah seems very unconventional, though that's not a bad thing, it could be very good if you made it work. The things that stood out to me the most about her was the fact that her parents were absent and she had her own way to lock up the apartment. Though, as 17, she surely can do this on her own, it seems like she's not cared for by her parents. If you're going to have something like that affecting her life, you're going to need it visible in her every decision, her every action.

The flow of this chapter is really good.

I really liked all the examples Deborah gave from her past, where she made bets and won.

I also liked the Potter-Weasley clan from her Point of View.

You asked me for grammar help specifically, so here's every error I spotted...:

-since the Illegals is a name she's quoting, it should be around quotations like, - "The Illegals," they call us. - there should also be a comma after the name

-"Who can take revenge on your behalf and destroy someoneís life? For a certain price. Everything cost these days." This whole little section sounded weird. There's also various grammar mistakes. "For a certain price" is not a complete sentence. The "cost" in "Everything cost these days" should be plural. A good way to remedy all of this is to change it to, "Who ELSE can take revenge on your behalf and destroy someoneís life? For a certain price, WE CAN, HOWEVER, everything costs these days."

-When saying which year a kid is in like in, "A third year pushed me," the "Third" should be capitalized like so. It's a proper noun. Make sure to make that change to all the places where the year number is a proper noun, as this mistake occurs more than once here.

-"So after that incident I befriended twins." There should be a comma after "So" and after "incident." This sentence sounds vague, like she went of and found some twins, thought it was cool, so she made friendly. It would be better to add a word like "these" to specify, "So, after that incident, I befriended these twins."

-"Danny was a Ravenclaw just like me and Emer was a Slytherin." There needs to be commas around the phrase, "just like me"

-"It didnít matter that we didnít have a place where to spend them. We just wanted money." "Them" is weird here, as money isn't people, but rather a thing, like "it." I think these two sentences would be better if combined like, "It didn't matter that we didn't have a place to spend IT, we just wanted money."

-"Thatís why we befriended a innocent Hufflepuff with connections. Andie Bones." "a innocent" needs to be "an innocent"

-"In our forth year a cocky Slytherin girl betted me that I couldnít find a better guy as a partner" "forth" should be "Fourth." Also, the past tense of "bet" is still "bet" and not "betted."

-"But McGonagll did not find it funny. " You spelled "McGonagall" wrong.

-"In fifth year we had to hijack the Hogwarts express and drive it safely back to Hogwarts after the winters break." Comma needed after "In Fifth year." "Express" should be capitalized as it is a proper noun. "winters" should be capitalized as a proper noun and possessive, "Winter's"

-"It's a good thing that the schools staff did not found out." "schools" should be possessive "school's" and "found" should be "find"

-"How should I feel when my drunk best friend confesses that heís in love with me from the day we met?" There needs to be the word "been" in there like, "How should I feel when my drunk best friend confesses that he's BEEN in love with me from the day we met?"

-"I never returned back his feelings but he still managed to be very jealous. " You should omit the "back" for flow purposes. Comma needed before "but."

-"She made him look stupid in front of all school." "all" doesn't sound right in this context as it implies a plural, "the whole" would be better as it implies all that is within something. "She made him look stupid in front of THE WHOLE school."

-"We just provide them alcohol." "with" needs to be in there for specification. "We just provide them WITH alcohol."

-"We do not ruin Hogwarts reputation. " "Hogwarts" needs to be possessive, "Hogwarts'"

-"We bring it to them and ect." "ect." is supposed to be "etc."

-The two paragraphs where Deborah is tying up her hair and she kisses the twins on the cheek, yeah, those two paragraphs have a lot of tense issues where you switch between present and past tense. I'm assuming you meant to have past tense. I'm not going to bother correcting this, I'll just leave it up to you :)

-"And I, Deborah Mint, always want to be up and just enjoy the bumpy ride." Consistency issue! It's a bit of a contradiction for her to say she always wants to be up and then say that she wants to enjoy the bumpy ride. A bumpy ride would imply that at some point, she would be down.

I probably missed a few places, but I think I got most of your errors.

As an overall note, there are tons of places where you can conjoin sentences to make the story flow better.

There were a lot of comma and possessive errors! I had examples of every single one I spotted, but the site only allows 6,000 characters for a review, and I was over, so I had to erase a lot of it...

Sorry this review is so long!
from,
Liberty
p.s. I won't be reviewing your 2nd chapter till the weekend, sorry!

Author's Response: Thank you for pointing out my mistakes! I really want this story to be good.

-Vi.


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Review #50, by The Captain Ain't no rest for the wicked

16th January 2011:
I'm loving the Illegals. They sort of remind me of the mafia the way that they make deals with people and such. I'm a bit confused about the duck thing. Why was the professor telling Deb to not make her wobble like a duck?
Anyways, your plot and characterization are fine. With a little help from a beta reader when it comes to grammar, you could have a really great story on your hands.

Author's Response: I really want to have a good story! Thanks for the pointers~

-Vi.


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