Oh, well-written and seemingly In Character characters! Not like all the other fanfics!
I'm sorry but I'm too tired to write a proper review right now. But I liked this. Putting it on my favourites and continuing reading and reviewing tomorrow! Woho!Author's Response: Glad you think so! I've been super annoyed about how I've characterised them in this - Draco is pretty weedy and a bit of a doormat, which isn't his character at all - so I'm glad you like them (: I am trying to go for a bit of a different angle on most conventional fanfic love stories, not sure I succeeded. I think I just added to the immense pile of angst already on my author's page (:
Thank you very much for the review! (: Report Review
Wow, just read this story all the way through in one go :)
Great characterisation (although not strictly canon, as I can't see Draco changing that dramatically, and what, no mention of Harry Potter??) and I love the dialogue! Sounds so natural and real. And I absolutely adore your descriptions, I can picture everything very clearly in my head.
Love it!Author's Response: Ooh, thanks! I have some excuses for my pitiful doormat!Draco. I kind of thought that after all the drama of the war and the total pwnage of Draco in the final battle (being punched in the face by an invisible person, woah.) I had this idea of him being so upset/downtrodden/embarassed that he'd want nothing more than to melt into the very background of society and pretend he never existed. Plus, what with the trials I assumed would have happened for the Death Eaters, + compensation and the total ruin of his family name, he'd be of pretty slender means. Hopefully, er, that's an alright excuse! It's my ultimate ambition to one day characterise Draco as the twitchy racist ferret he really is.
I'm glad you like it! I do enjoy writing descriptions a fair bit more than anything else, so it's great to know they came across well.
Thank you for the review! :D Report Review
daphnes a b*tch.
hah GO ASTORIA
im already ready for the new chapterAuthor's Response: Glad you liked it & thanks for the review (: Report Review
draco is such an indecisive ninny in this story. I don't know how I feel about it. I sort of love it, actually, because everyone always makes him out to be this overly enthusiastic prat all the time. i'm also not sure how I feel about the whole cupboard thing, and the fact that Draco didn't even try to stand up for himself.Author's Response: I think I was too eager to make Draco a non-enthusiastic prat that I made him a totally unenthusiastic...well, prat. Ah well, better luck next time! The 'perfect Draco' is something I'm still sort of trying to get in fic. He's surprisingly difficult to write.
The cupboard thing? Erm... *flails for excuses* ...he was surprised and didn't get a chance to stand up for himself? Ah well. Thank you for the review! (: Report Review
I can almost see where this is going. a vague sort of prediction anyway!Author's Response: Well, I do hope I disappoint you in that respect, because I kind of hoped the ending would be a bit of a twist :') Anyway, it's been validated now, so let me know if I met your predictions (: Thanks for the review! Report Review
this is really, really interesting. I'm intrigued and definitely going to read what's left.Author's Response: Glad you liked it! (: Report Review
I'm Alex, I don't think we've ever properly met, but I'm your secret santa at TGS :) And in honor of the event/the holiday I'm here with some reviews for your stories!!!
I'm sorry to say I've never read any of your work before, despite seeing you around TGS a lot recently...I'm glad I happened to get you for secret santa, though, because I really enjoyed just this first chapter, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories!!!
I also wrote a Draco/Astoria, more on a whim than anything, but I'm excited to see what you do with the pairing, and where you go from this excellent introduction to the story!
Merry Christmas, dear, and be looking for more reviews from me in the near future!!!
~ AlexAuthor's Response: Finally got around to replying to your review :') I'm such a procrastinator, I swear.
(This reminds me to review your story. Oh my days I completely forgot. Fic just goes out of my head when I start back at school :S)
Anyway, glad you liked it! Looking back, I'm not really that fond of these first few chapters - Draco's characterisation is a bit 'er, woah there' and it's quite off the mark. He's too downtrodden and miserable or something, I think he needs to be a good deal more indignant and such. But I've nearly finished the story and I honestly cba to go back and rewrite :')
And - it's two months late but I really don't care - Merry Christmas to you too! :') Thanks very much for the review (: Report Review
I hope you can get the 4th chapter finished and validated soon!Author's Response: Ahha, I hope I can too! My week is a little hectic but I'll see if I can get it written and posted soon. Thank you for reviewing! Report Review
sorry, I didn't review your first chapter,but I am going to make it up with this review.
It is funny how I keep forgetting the name of this story, just as Draco keeps forgetting Astoria's name. I had never imagined her as this kind of person, but I see that everyone's view of Astoria is very different.
I think you write very well, but sometimes there are many long parts with so many details, that it begins to bore me. But I think that means something good. You seem very experienced and have some talent, but I hope that some of the sombre will be turned into something quite joyful later. It is quite all the same. But now I will just go on and read your 3rd chapter and maybe review that one too.
Good job, by the way!Author's Response: Astoria is a blank slate, so it's good fun coming up with different versions of her, so to speak, to write about. That is actually quite funny that you forget the name, ahha!
Thank you for saying that - honestly, making it boring and drag on was what I was kind of dreading, so thank you for pointing that out - I'll try and make it flow a bit better in later chapters and make it stop dragging its feet (: Hopefully the next few chapters will be more interesting and I'll try and work more on creating a bit more drama and a bit more joy too. The next chapter should be a bit lighter and happier (:
Thank you very much for your review - it was great to hear from you. This is a wonderful challenge - Draco/Astoria is my all-time favourite pairing, and sometimes I wish there was more of it, especially seeing as many people regard their relationship as either doomed or very unhappy. Thank you for taking the time to review! Report Review
I haven't got too much to say, as I'm very okay with lengthy descriptions and conversations of of bitterness, though I can see for some people how this might drag on (some may say, nothing's really happened much yet). This is why I'm horrible at critiquing for you D; Your story's very flaws are the ones I never mind. Plus, any fic that uses the word "tweed" this much is one I must love. I do like the bitter!Draco in the beginning. it's got the twinge of ferret-y I was looking for. I suppose it involves more callbacks to his past.
Rambling, done!Author's Response: Nothing's really happened at all, and seeing as this is only going to run to about six chapters, nothing really will happen in the end, although it doesn't exactly come up roses for the mystery-wrapped-in-an-enigma-wrapped-in-tweed that is Astoria, I can say that. I think the penultimate chapter will be a whole story's worth of drama to make up for the plodding blah of the preceding chapters.
BITTERNESS. How fun is it, really, to write bitter characters? More fun than it should be. Between us, we could probably create some sort of library of bitter.
bitter!Draco was, I must admit, a bit of an attempt to get his character back on track. He derailed a bit. When I write the next chapter, I'm going to stick a giant picture of a ferret to the wall so I don't forget to make him ferrety like he should be. Good for you for reminding me (:
I really should put in more angsty bitter callbacks to Draco's past. It's actually quite appropriate.
Thank you for the pointers! :D Rambling response done! Report Review
I totally get images of Scorpius at this: ‘Are we insulting Draco now?’ Blaise joined in, arriving at the side of the table. ‘Oh, good, I like doing that.’ --It's even at a pub and everything!
Of course, I suppose the mopeyness is because, as I've noticed, you don't really accentuate the Death Eater and the scarring past and the parental issues that much. Which I don't mind, since I don't really care about the heavy issues and I love the little beat-down people issues like poor Draco. But others might? D: I DONT KNOW, I'm trying to offer critique from someone who doesn't mind the very thing I'm criticizing??
Okay I'm going to stop my fail right here.Author's Response: >Of course, I suppose the mopeyness is because, as I've noticed, you don't really accentuate the Death Eater and the scarring past and the parental issues that much.
Ah, I must admit that I was trying to drag myself away from the comfy uber-angst of stuff like State of Things in which every other sentence is like PANSY is DEAD and my PARENTS are IN PRISON and I am ON TRIAL WOE, WOE, WOE and THRICE WOE plus assorted crying and poverty, so I wanted to make it a little more...little. If that makes sense. Not to everyone's tastes, yeah, when I read this back it's really boring and blah. It's more of a writing exercise now than anything.
Scorpius is gradually appearing everywhere. Creeping up in everyday life. Doodles, stories, you name it. He's taking over my life, basically. For a moment in the next chapter of Starving Artists I almost referenced Scorpius as wearing his Mum's tweed jacket, simply because the angst of Draco in this is so mopey Scorpius like that I couldn't resist. But I did, and now I'm just kind of giving up on this.
Thanks very much for reviewing! Critique is awesome. I need it. It's like the review equivalent of a slap over the back of the head when I get too distracted by my love of angst and people who fail (i.e Scorpius) to write properly. So thank you (: Report Review
Let's get the Yes-Draco-is-too-nice-and-mopey out of the way. He is not nearly ferret-y enough. Now that's done with, you totally know I'm up for any mopey people. I love how you describe younger-weird-Greengrass-tweed-adjective girl. it's things like how he noticed the initial flash that make me say, Grah! How come I can't think of descriptions like that? I love how you describe everything, really. I am fairly sure it is your fault that my descriptions have steadily become snarkier.Author's Response: Argh! I knew I'd slip up somewhere! I need to make some sort of Draco voodoo doll to take out my writing angst on, I never manage to nail that whole ferret thing. I think maybe it's because mopey people are so fun and easy to write, I just default to making all of my characters little mopey mopesters. Moping like two short mopey things on mope drugs at a mope party...moping. Yeah I take things too far sometimes, I feel.
Er, wow, thanks (: Descriptions are way easier to write than people...people need depth and emotions, whereas, generally, stuff like chairs and watches just need to look pretty. Now I've typed that, I really want to write a story in which a chair has deep emotional depth and feelings etcetera etcetera. Erm, well...moving swiftly onwards. Report Review
A very interesting story, Astoria sounds very intriguing and I am loving Draco's confusion over Pansy! It's a nice change to see Draco as money-strapped and working in a bookshop and not in a swanky job, you manage to make it work very well and not out of character at all!Author's Response: Astoria's a bit of an enigma, yeah :') I've written the whole 'Draco-as-a-peasant' idea quite a lot, but this is the first time I tried to write it without making him so OOC as I've done before, so I'm very glad to hear that you liked his characterisation (: Thanks very much for the review! Report Review
Very interesting. Please continue writing and getting them out (:Author's Response: Thank you very much! Chapter 3 has just been validated, although I suppose that's pretty obvious (: Report Review
Hello there, schoenemaedchen here with your review.
So, first and foremost, I wanted to say that I have a VERY positive overall impression of your first chapter here. I really enjoyed it.
You truly have a great talent for setting the scene. I have this perfect image of how they live, work, eat and breathe...I think this is talent that not SO many have. The reader is often left to kind of fill in the blanks. I think you fill in these blanks so well, though. Excellent, excellent description.
I also really enjoy your dialogue. I find it totally natural and your characterizations of Pansy and Draco are right on. I also really like how you've portrayed "Tweed Girl"...especially how you've kind of revolved her character around one object--that ugly jacket! I assume this is Astoria? Fascinating...this really left me wanting to read more.
I like the contrast you're setting up between "Tweed Girl" and Pansy as well. I think it will make for an interesting transition, which is the impression I get and hopefully what you were going for in your writing.
If I have any points of CC, It would be to please watch out a bit for run-on sentences. At the beginning when you have more descriptions, I thought some of your sentences were a bit on the longish side. They certainly weren't bad sentences, but I start getting distracted when a sentence doesn't really have an end in sight.
Also, this line confused me a bit:
'Come over to mine, then?' she asked, flipping through the book again.
I mean, I definitely figured out she meant her flat, but I think maybe a bit more detail might help. It's quite possible that this is British-English dialect that I'm not familiar with as I'm an American, in which case definitely leave it!
Other than that, really excited for your next chapter. I beg of you to come leave a review request for it!! :)
Thanks and have a good one!
-schoenemaedchenAuthor's Response: Hey lovely girl! (I did drop German as a subject a while ago, but I love your username!)
Thank you very much! Scene-setting is really important to me, because I often have very vivid images of places in my head and I feel I need to describe them. Characters less so; I find it quite difficult to be original with visual descriptions of characters, but settings are things I enjoy writing about.
Ahha, yes, the ugly jacket! I'm trying to go for this angle about Draco really disliking this weird girl in Tweed and thinking she's really weird, so he never really makes an effort to talk to her or remember her, but then as the story progresses...well, suffice to say that he starts to notice a little more. It is Astoria, yes - she's one of my favourite characters and this is my favourite pairing to write. Draco/Pansy is another pairing I really like, and I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to go for that take on Pansy that a lot of people have (which is that they kind of dismiss her as some sort of whiny, easy-to-get girl who clings on to Draco all the time). Building up the characters for this was fun (:
Ooh, run-on sentences are a bit of a bad habit of mine - thank you for pointing them out. I often feel that too many short sentences make it too choppy, but too many long sentences make it very laborious, and I struggle to find a compromise between the two. I'll work on that (:
Ah, I think that might be dialect coming through. It's kind of common here (or where I live & am from anyway) to say stuff like 'Everyone's going over to mine' or 'I've left the bag at mine' or whatever you will when you're talking about your own house. Sorry for the confusion there! :S
Thank you very much for the lovely review! (:
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LOVE the first sentence. It's so simple, but exactly something I would use as a first sentence.
Your descriptions are lovely, and the only thing I have to complain about is that the paragraphs seem too long - they look so dense that it puts the reader off.
I LOVE this sentence: January escaped him in a miserable slush of half-melted snow and watery sunsets, leaving him, as a final parting gift, a particularly bad bout of flu.
Something else I picked up on was that some of the punctuation in your speech isn't right.
However, I really enjoyed reading this bit: 'Busy,' she answered. 'I work in the Muggle Liason Office (Draco mentally filed her under the 'weird' category in his mind) and even though it's really interesting, (he filed her under the 'severely deluded' sub-division) all the overtime I do (he now placed her into the 'avoid at all costs' folder) means that I don't get to see people often.'
NARISAuthor's Response: I always struggle heaps with that first sentence, so I'm very glad to hear that it worked (:
Hmm, those first few paragraphs are a little immense, aren't they? I did deliberate for a while about how to split them up, but they all kind of dealt with the same thing and I was worried that breaking them up might make the flow a little too choppy. I'll definitely go back and have a look.
Punctuation in speech is still a bit of a mystery to me. I'll do a little more work on that (:
Ah, great - I was worried that that sentence was overly long and a bit complicated to read, so it's good you liked it! I'm trying to build up this whole little story about Draco really disliking this odd girl in the ugly clothes that buys books off him all the time, so I felt something like that should be included. Although it is quite amusing to think that Draco has a mental filing cabinet (:
Thank you very much for the lovely (and prompt, might I add!) review! (:
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