Hey! This is apocalypse, her with your review!
Okay let's start off with the areas of concern, shall we? I think I remember all of them =)
Plot: The plot is going very well up till now. It's very good to see how Caprice has adjusted so well and is now a very important part of Hogwarts as well as the plot. I like how you've set up the entire thing and how you're going about with it. The fact that she's trying to control herself and succeeding and failing at the same time is pretty well-written. I like how she interacted with Ania and did not let her actual feelings show. It shows how she has matured and how much your story has advanced.
Word choice: Well, your word choice, as usual is excellent. However, I'd like to say here that I can't help but feel that your dialogues are not properly punctuated. I know it's not such a big deal and as all your dialogues have similar punctuation, it can be ignored. But I feel I should just let you know, you know?
Example: "Hey, Cappie" - this should be: 'Hey, Cappie,". There should be comma before you close the dialogue. You do put question marks and exclamation marks before you close the speech marks but I've noticed that it's not the case with full stops and commas. This was just to bring it to your notice as I know it can only be corrected if you do a full edit. =) Apart from the above mentioned errors, your grammar is completely fine. =D
Characterization: Ooooh, I have a lot to say on that! =D Let's start with Capri. I think her character is developing at a very good pace. She's doing very good and is handling the Sirius situation pretty well. I like how she's interacting with him and is hiding her crush pretty well. =) I loved her conversation with Jason. I too can't believe how she did not notice him before. Where was he?! =P So glad you've brought him into the story. It'll make the story and plot all the more better! =) I felt so sad for her when she figured out what had happened. In the previous chapters, she hasn't been AS observant as she was in the last few paragraphs. I loved you made her observed Sirius specifically. It shows how she pays so much attention to him. =)
Sirius: Well, i can't say it's his fault. He thinks that she's his best friend and honestly he IS at perfectly liberty to do whatever he wants. It's quite like him actually. I wonder who the girl is; it's not Ania as she's not at Hogwarts. Hmm, I'm curious =P Though I do think that he should've told Capri the truth instead of hiding it. I do not understand why he lied. Wonder what's happening there =P
Lily+James: I really wish you would show something else in their relationship. I really wanna see how you make their story as unique as Capri's. I know that Lily did not like James but I really wanna see something else happen between them apart from Lily telling James to be quiet or go away. I hope you know what I mean. I really think that the predictable attitude of Lily needs to be avoided.
Marauders: As this is Marauder story and Capri is actually a friend of theirs, I think that their characters should have more depth. I haven't actually seen them jump out in the story yet. I think that the whole 'Marauder' aspect of the story does need work. Capri's friends, Emma, Nora and Lily, all have dynamic characters but the guys are barely noticeable here.
I think that this chapter overall, was a bit rushed. I mean, the whole paragraphs describing their classes and even some details of the Hogsmeade weekend weren't really necessary. I know that the trip had to mentioned because of Capri noticing Sirius' absence but then, it should've been better written to avoid the scenario feeling rushed. I hope you know what I mean. Also, I noticed that the girls took their letters to the Post Office to have them posted. Er, doesn't Hogwarts already have an Owlery for the students? Why would they need to take their letter out of Hogwarts when they have owls available inside?
Okay, I think that's it from me for this chapter. I'm really sorry for this ridiculously long review but I can't help it; I just had so much to say =P Hope what I wrote is of some help to you! =) Until next time, good luck, happy writing and most importantly, Happy New Year! =D =D =DAuthor's Response: Hey! WHOA!!! THANK YOU for the amazing review. I LOVE long reviews! Love it !
Anyway, also want to thank you for all the advice you've given me. It helps a lot to have a different perspective.
I am working on getting more L/J interaction. Instead of incorporating them into the Capri/Sirius chapters I wanted to separate them out into different chapters. You'll see em in future chapters :) Remus and and Peter also will get involved in the future chapters but the first few are concentrated purely on Capri and Sirius and since Sirius POV hasn't come around yet it's hard to include the guys is incredibly close with.
Thank you for the great review! I really appreciate it and I'm incredibly sorry for the wait. You can blame me for taking a ill timed vacation and my unhealthy habit of procrastination for it :P
Thank you anyway and I'm truly sorry for the delay in replying. Report Review
Ooohhh! The Vanishing Boy, eh? That made me laugh!
This chapter came across to me as a rather entertaining and funny one. The descriptions are great, there's no awkwardness and what-nots as I read through it.
I really like your characterisation of Capri. During the process if reading the chapter a few times I forgot that she was 11 year old. Her thoughts seem to work a little bit older for her age..hmm. Interesting!
Overall, I really like the story/chapter! 9/10 :)
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hey! Ok apparently reply through my phone is a no go since there isn't a reply here!!!
Anyway so sorry for the delay on replying, and thank you immensely for the review! I'm glad you like Capri and I intentionally have her thoughts being older than herself to help the character be more relatable.
Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Thank you for finally updating this story. I was beginning to think that you had given up on this story. You better give them a happy ending, they definately deserve one. :)
Keep updating please!Author's Response: I'm sorry its taken me forever to update Alyss, it's writer's block i'm afraid. I'll soon sort it out and get more chapters in :) Hope you keep reading! Report Review
I've missed this story sooo much. Update more, I can't get enough! :)Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much :D you made my day! Report Review
Aaahhh sorry I haven't reviewed before but I pretty much read this straight through! I really like what you're doing with the characters and how Peter isn't evil or stupid or hated from the beginning. This tension is getting to me so please update soon! Thanks for writing :)Author's Response: Wow! Thank you very much! I'm so glad the story kept your interest right through. I'll try to post update soon :) Report Review
Reviewer here finally! I'm super behind and I'm sorry about that. But here's my review!
Interesting beginning, I like how you started out. I wish you would describe her house a bit more than just Victorian. Tell me what kind of moulding they used, what the color of the stairs are. Can we see some more personality behind her mother? Your flow was nice, I though it carried very well! Cheers!Author's Response: Hey, Thanks a lot for reviewing :) I'll work on the detail. Thanks :) Report Review
Amazing! I've been waiting for an update, but it was worth the wait. You write so good, and I loved the chapter!Author's Response: Thank you so much love :) sorry it takes forever to update! Real life is extremely busy! Report Review
Lovely story. Please do keep writingAuthor's Response: Thank you so much hun :) Report Review
This is a really good story! keep up the good work!!Author's Response: Thank you very much! Hope you keep reading :) Report Review
And I'm back! So, since this is gonna be my last review for your current request, I thought that I'd address your areas of concern once again.
Plot development: I must say that as compared your first chapter, your plot has indeed developed tremendously! It's been only five years but it seems like it's been ages since I've reading this story; it's so familiar already =) The plot the essence of one's story and I must say that you've been able to capture that essence very well. There was a point in the first chapter where I had no idea where this story was going and to be honest, I had little hope for it's actual plot. However, as we've finally arrived here, I must say: Well done! Your story's first chapter and then this chapter don't seem like they're from the story at all! =P Your writing has improved noticeably and you've progressed very fast. It's an achievement to move on so fast and yet keep the pace from reaching the level that seems like its rushed. I'm very happy to see that it didn't seem like it was rushed at all. =)
Word choice: As I previously said, I like how you use the words. You've told us that she reads books so it's really not surprising to see her use her vocabulary in the narrative. Your story has a style of it's own because of it's wording which has made it unique and all the more familiar to me. Good job =)
Characterization: I see that you've worked hard on your characters. In this chapter particularly, Caprice's character was a lot more developed. She acted quite decently when she found out that he was running away. And while I'm at it there's this thing about this particular point of him running away: he didn't do in their fifth year. Sirius ran away when he was sixteen; in their sixth year. I'm pretty sure that that's the case, however, if I'm wrong, then I'm sorry =) Anyway, Sirius' character was much more defined in this chapter. It showed his side that's nice and barely naughty. I liked that fact of how he did not write to her =P Mean, I know, but it was important for his character =P So good job with that. =)
I liked how you made Caprice realise of her crush in this chapter and did not let it drag. Otherwise it would've gotten pointless. I want to see how she takes control of it in the upcoming chapters.
I had one confusion relating to the timeline. Four years have passed so that means they're starting there fifth year, right? If Sirius invented that charm in their third then how come they've been using it for THREE years? Shouldn't it be two years? That's the only confusion. I'm sorry if I sound stupid =P I'm sleepy and my brain's fuzzy otherwise my math ain't that bad =P
Reader interest: Well, what can I say? My sooo long reviews and the number of reviews you already have says it all =P You have been extremely successful in capturing the interest of people! That's an ability were less people and one that I crave to possess =P You're lucky and a very good writer who has done a very good job with words! Keep it up! =)
Overall, a very good chapter to a very VERY good story! I like how you've executed your idea and hope to review more of it in the future! =) Until then, Good luck and Happy Writing! =DDAuthor's Response: Thank you so much Apocalypse, for the numerous wonderful reviews, all the help you've given me, the advice, and the amazing praise! I am truly humbled! :) I'm so very glad that you liked this story and despite its first chapter took a chance on it :)
To clear up the doubts, firstly about Sirius: just like Hermione, Sirius in my story is nearly a year older than his classmates, Capri, James and Lily. He was born in 1959 (instead of 1960) but being a September born he was on eleven when letters were sent out in 1970, but turned 11 after the term began and so had to join the next batch of students the following year. While James, Capri, Remus, Peter and Lily are all 15 yrs old at 5th year, Sirius is actually 16 :) Hope that clears it up!
Secondly yes it should be two years, its an error i've already edited it and resubmitted the chapter :)
Thank you so much again:) I will certainly be back for more reviews in the future! Thanks for reading :):) Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse here with another review!
So, this chapter was where she discovers everything, eh? =D Well I have to say that you did a pretty good job in saying it all in one chapter. However, I have to tell you that I felt that this was rushed a little bit. I mean, yes, she described many things: Filch, Peeves, the stairs and the new friends she had made; but what about the more important stuff? The teachers? Dumbledore? The lessons overall? I, as a HP reader know all that but you have to think from the point of view of a beginner. SHE hasn't seen this all before so there should be a sense of awe and that feeling of ecstasy that I just wasn't able to see anywhere. I hope you know what i mean..
Moving on: I really liked that scene between Caprice and Sirius. It was like a typical pair of people who are destined to be together =P I loved how she brought back the memory of him screaming and used it as her weapon against him. Really shows how you've planned it all out.. Very well done! =) Also, I just noticed that with this conversation you have showed how brilliantly you have made Capri a part of the Marauder world. I barely remembered that she's an OC. It's like she's part of the original group. So that's a very big achievement! =)
The end! I have to tell you that when I read that line, I almost died inside! I was like nooo! Please don't let this be a sad part! What happened? Why is she saying that? =P And as I am being so blatantly honest here, I might as well tell you that when I read the line I couldn't stop myself and actually went forward and read the next chapter BEFORE coming back and reviewing this one =P Seriously. And as you'll be wondering what I thought about that one, I'll just say one line: (as I'm gonna give a detailed review on it there) I'm not disappointed =)
Very good chapter once again! =DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much again! :D I feel like I should say it as often as possible (these reviews are amazing!) Yes I agree the details were rushed a bit but it is mainly because I wanted to create the image of how she is constantly surprised by the things she sees at Hogwarts and she's trying to absorb it in and not question it too much. That and also it was a little quick-review sort of thing because readers tend to get bored when reading about things they are very familiar with from the books :/ I will try to make it more realistic though with how she reacts to new people and situations.
And the compliments of Caprice! Ah I'm on cloud no 9 :P seriously it is just incredible to know that she is a good character on her own and also as part of the story. I can't believe you could feel like she was part of the original canon! I'm so thrilled!!!
Hehehe the general idea i was hoping for is people to move onto the next chapter with the same enthusiasm :) I'm glad it worked on you. Glad you're not disappointed :D Report Review
A quick apology for taking 'forever' to get this review done.
This story is fantastic! Very fantastic!
The way you opened up this story is very strange yet unique. Also, I think it was really great of you to write this story since its a whole lot refreshing...it's a bit 'out-there' and I don't think I will ever encounter a story like this ever again so I'm really curious on how it's going to turn out.
Also, I must admit that I am still puzzled on how the plot is going to work since you only gave small hints as to where the story is going but I can safely say that it will have much to do with Sirius, correct?
The word choice is really great and it matched with the type of story you have here. It was also descriptive which made the story work for me.
Overall, I think you did a pretty good job! This story was really excellent!
Ta-ta for now,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hey, everyone's busy this time of the year, no apology needed :)
WOW! Thank you so much! I've got this huge grin on my face right now lol :) Thanks for the amazing compliments I'm so glad you liked it and yes it has MUCH to do with Sirius :) Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse, here with your review!
Firstly, an excellent chapter! =) It had a very good flow and gave a lot of new information. I like how you've written the story from Caprice's point of view as she describes everything in her own unique way. I like it.
Characterization: Caprice is very good character. Her character is in the works but it seems like its already developed. She's an eleven year old young girl but the word she uses and the way she describes things is quite unique and so childlike that I constantly enjoy reading her =D You really have a strong character there that I already know is pretty famous already =P Really good job with that! =) Sirius: I love him already! His character wasn't described much but the way you DID describe him from Capri's point of view was awesome! =D I really liked it. His sense of humour is spot on. I can totally imagine his eleven-year-old version being like that =D My favourite line EVER: '"So, what's your name Jill?" his smirk grew wider.' this may sound so stupid but I have to tell you that I laughed so much at it that I actually had to clutch my stomach in the end! =D Seriously, BRILLIANT! =DD
Moving on: Lily: Well, to be honest, I would've thought that her character would have been more dynamic; more noticeable. I mean, I'm reviewing her character but I barely remember how she was written. I know she ain't the main character of the story but still she's a very important part of the HP series so naturally everyone expects her character's description to be much more than just that.. I hope you know what I mean =) Severus: Again, his character was written very well. You only described his actions yet, they told all about his character. So good job there =)
Your level of description is very good. However, I have to say that being eleven and being as observant as Capri is, you'd expect the description to be more than usual. Her character requires more description. Also, I noticed that she was noticing everyone like she'd notice them for the first time and that's fine. But what happened when Prof McGonagall came? She just stated her arrival and did not describe her as she saw her or even say that she was intimidated or anything. Hope you see my point and work on it =)
Apart from the above mentioned points, I loved this chapter! It was very well written, despite the few grammatical errors, and I enjoyed reading it.. Good job! =)Author's Response: Hey again! Thank you so so much again for coming by to review once more :) I'm so glad you liked Sirius and Caprice. They are after all the main focus and to know that they've been introduced and developed well means the world really :) And I am so happy that you found the David- Jill banter entertaining :D hehe.
About Lily, yes, she's intentionally kept subdued in the chapters because I wanted people to be comfortable with the main pair Sirius and Caprice before everything got crowded with the rest of the characters not to mention the throng of OCs! Lily does come into frequent view in the following chapters and later becomes an integral part of the story I assure you :)
Thank you for the insight you've given me about seeing Hogwarts though a newcomer's eyes, I never know where to draw the line between too much detail and too less. Anyway your advice is very helpful and I intend to edit the chapter later to include more of Capri's first impressions.
Thank you so so much! Your review was most helpful and very encouraging! Thanks doesn't really cover it! :) :) Report Review
The plot is coming along really good now and your characterisation is really good. You have kept Sirus, Caprice in character throughout the story and Lily is perfectly canon :) It was also interesting to see Caprice talk with Severus. I wonder if they become friends (probably not haha).
This story has kept me interested so far. I like how you have started when they first start Hogwarts, very different from the other Sirus/OC stories where they begin when the characters are 16, 17
Just one thing, I thought that the sorting hat would say more, but that's just me and this is your story :)
Good luck with the rest of your story, it has really good potential. Feel free to re-request :)
*jaz, 10/10Author's Response: Thanks jaz for coming back again :) I'm glad you enjoyed the characterizations and especially Lily who is hard to write because of all the different versions of her out there!
Anyhow I started this story on a whim wondering what if Sirius's neighbour had magic too? Since it was essential to get that part cleared up I had to go to the beginning when they were kids and in the end it all worked out and people seemed to like the young version of the characters :D Glad you did too :)
The first draft actually included a lot more detailed sorting with and actual original Sorting Hat song but after reading it I felt it distracted from the story a bit so I proceeded to edit it out.
Thanks so much Jaz for reviewing! I will definitely be back for more reviews :) Report Review
This chapter was really good as well. Your imagery was brilliant in this chapter; I could imagine everything that was happening. The part with Sirus, "The Vanishing Boy" made me laugh.
The plot is coming along nicely, I can already see their first meeting. The dialogue in this chapter is really good, not awkward at all (some stories I read have really awkward dialogue).
One question, is Caprice's mother/father a squib or a secret witch/wizard because her Aunt is a witch and Caprice seemed shocked when she found out about Witches and Wizards
Anyway, great chapter :)
*jaz, 10/10Author's Response: hey again! :) Thank you so much and glad you found that vanishing boy as funny as i intended :) I find humour not to be my strong suit :/
Umm wow, no one's asked me that before about her parents and to be honest I haven't thought about it much! I tend to develop the plot as it goes along. For now I have no idea if her parents are magically related. But if the plot calls for it I suppose changes could take place :) Its just her aunt who she knows who has magic for now.
Thanks so much jaz for the review and the fab rating! :D Report Review
Here with your review!
Very interesting start to the story. Your take on Sirus is very different and refreshing. I know he's only 11 but still.
The word choice in this story was very good :) Honestly, I thought that this was the female main character point of view, until I read the last sentence. You also wrote it formally, but not so formally that I couldn't understand what you were trying to say; which is what some authors do.
Your characterisation is good so far, not that I can really comment. Once again, your take on Sirus is a different one. I wonder if it is going to stay...
This story has got me hooked, can't wait to see what happens next :)
*jaz, 10/10Author's Response: Hey javct.
So firstly thanks immensely for coming by to review Caprice :) Umm well you're feelings were right about the main character :) It is indeed a female main OC. I intentionally refrained from naming her and personalising her in the first chapter which is more of a prologue, to give the story a bit of a quirk at the start. Sorry if it was misleading, she is actually living in No. 11 Grimmauld Place as Sirius's neighbour ( since he lives in No. 12) which becomes clearer later :)
So thrilled that you are hooked though :D sorry if there was some confusion.
Thank you very very much for reviewing :) Report Review
Hey, I'm back!
Well, this was definitely a better chapter! A very very good chapter actually! I had fun reading it =D
I loved the way how she could not believe that there was an owl in her room. Hehe it was described brilliantly! I could totally see any human feel the same way! =D
The way you introduced Sirius was awesome! I couldn't stop grinning and then laughing =D Seriously, very good work.
I like you've explained her being magical. Aunt Agatha seems like a very nice person and has the same character that Capri described her as. She's supportive, caring and very sweet. I liked her =)
Capri! Wow, her character is really well written. I like how you've focused on writing her character as an eleven year old's. Her mind works just like an eleven year old's. However, I noticed that she comprehended things very quickly even though they were quite unbelievable. That shows that going to grow up to be quite intelligent and a sharp little girl =D I like her..
An awesome chapter! You've DEFINITELY captured my interest now! Your writing style is very good and I can't wait to come back for more =DAuthor's Response: Hey again :) Thank you so much again for the raving review! These really made my day! I am so thrilled that you enjoyed the chapter and that you found both Sirius and Caprice interesting and entertaining :)
So glad the story has grabbed your attention! Thanks loads! :D Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse here with your review!
Wow, it's a considerably small chapter but I have a lot to say on it =P
Plot: well, to be honest, there is no plot in the story yet. I mean you haven't given any significant detail so as to make sure that your readers know that there's a plot that you're gonna build your story on. However, that being said, I have to say that the chapter had some clues that made it easier to guess as to how the story is gonna shape up. For instance, the last sentence of the chapter clearly shows that the narrator will have something to do with the Blacks in the near future. So, due to that minor detail, you have given a very good clue about your plot =D
Word choice: Your word choice id very good. I like how the narrator uses her words. It shows that she really is young and and an introspective person who spends a lot of time on her own. It also shows that she has indeed picked up a lot of words from the books she reads =P
Characterization: This was such a unique beginning to the story seeing as it barely had any detail. You did not describe anything much and I think that that was why the characters were very vague. The mother's character sounded like a very status conscious person's character. On the other hand, the narrator is adventurous, funny and likes to read books. Seeing as she is the main character at least in this chapter, I think you did a good job by saying less and at the same time giving us hints so as to easily interpret your words. Very good job =)
Reader's interest: You definitely have grabbed my attention! This was such a unique start to the story that I really want to know how you take it forward! =) Your writing style is really very good =) Also, the sentence that you ended made sure that your readers come back! It's intriguing to read a story from the point of view of the Blacks' neighbours! A really very unique idea and I can't wait to read how to proceed with this =DAuthor's Response: Hey apocalypse :) Thank you so much for coming by to review Caprice. I love your review! You gave me so much encouragement with your amazing compliments and praise! I'm so glad you enjoyed Capri's characterization :) Thank you so so much! Report Review
Back for the second review! :)
I thought this chapter was a nice continuation of the previous. We got to see more of Caprice's personality, and having her have an aunt as a wizard makes for a nice touch. It makes much more sense that she has some magical blood in her, since muggleborns are quite rare. Also, the fact that Aunt Agatha was there to explain things for her, since Hogwarts professors can't always make the trip, as Hagrid did for Harry, was great. It shows that you really thought this out. :)
That being said, I don't think it would have been very likely that both Caprice and Sirius gets their letters on the same day, since letters arrive around the time of a child's eleventh birthday. So unless their birthdays were on the same day, that wouldn't have been very plausible. However, it was nice to picture a girly, screaming Sirius! xD
+ "Very real, darling... and just as powerful as faith" She smiled at me.
^ In this sentence, there should be a comma before the piece of dialogue ends, and the "she" doesn't have to be capitalized, as it is part of the sentence. I saw this happen a few times in this chapter, so you might want to look that over. :)
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hey again :)
Thanks for coming back to review! Glad you think this was a good enough second chapter.
Hmm... I never thought of it that way! I always had it as ok so around the end of July or Beginning of August they send out letters to anyone who's 11th birthday has passed and have shown signs of magic! I'll think about your input though, thanks for that! :)
Thanks again for reviewing. I really appreciate it :) :) Report Review
I thought this was an excellent start to your story, as it set the scene really effectively and gave a brilliant introduction of the main character.
I loved the exploration of the character's mother; you have developed her character in quite a magnificent way and the influence of her on the main character's life life is rather stifling, providing an excellent motive for their attempts at escapism via Alice.
I loved the line; " "I live to paint darling, I love painting... It brings me such joy and of course as you can see the pay is very good." " That was really funny, loved it.
Overall, I'm excited to see where this is heading *off to read some more now*.
Well done! :)Author's Response: Hey :)
Thank you so much for coming by to review :) I'm really amazed by this wonderful review! Thank you so so much! please do tell me what you think of the future chapters too!
Thank you again! :) Report Review
Hi! This is Chocolate_Frog here with your requested review. :)
I liked how you started this out so far. Your characterization was pretty good so far: The part where she compares herself to book characters was a nice touch. Since it's the first chapter, I can't say much about plot development, but it seems like you have a strong introductory foundation going on here. However, I would have liked it if you included some more details to get the plot moving along, as the pace seemed a bit too slow.
I also like how your chapter title has two different meanings... life as an 11-year-old and, as revealed by the end, at Number 11. Nice bit of foreshadowing there, too. If she lives right next door to Sirius Black without even realizing it... Ah, I see a lot of potential for this.
Something I spotted:
+ You must be wondering where the fantasy tales came from for surely my mother would not allow suck things to spoil my mind.
^ I think by "suck" you mean "such". :)
Overall, it was a nice introductory chapter. Feel free to re-request for the next! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hi Chocolate Frog!
Glad you liked the story so far. The plot is a little slow because I wanted people to get to know Caprice and be comfortable with her before all the other characters flooded in. However the story does take up in the next few chapters.
Thanks for the pointers and Thank you so so much for reviewing! Really appreciate it :) Report Review
poor remus. that really stinks for him.
also, i don't think people can choose their animagus, it's whatever animal they are most like in personality, like their patronus.Author's Response: That's Patronuses yes, But I think Animagi can be chosen since the ministry keep tabs on marking of the kind of animal people become and stuff. Anyway thanks for the input. Report Review
aawww cute :) very adorable.Author's Response: Thanks as always Doglover :) Report Review
Hey! I'm back with your last review for now, but feel free to re-request when my queue empties out :)
This chapter definitely had a lot going on, which is great for keeping the plot moving and the reader engaged. There were a lot of elements I really liked.
For example, you're still doing a great job of characterizing Caprice. There were a lot of little statements that I thought made her a very realistic, relatable character. I like that it took her a while to come to terms with the magical world, and even on the train she still seems a bit ill at ease with it all. I think that's a realistic reaction for someone who just found out she's a witch. Also, I could totally understand her being socially awkward, since she had no opportunities to interact with other kids. I thought that was a good, believable touch. And I'm glad she ran into Lily, who seems sweet and outgoing...the perfect friend for Caprice :)
You also do a good job of using Caprice to show us your other characters. Her first impressions of the other students seemed on point in terms of characterization. For example, I loved that she thought Lily and Severus were siblings. It just makes so much sense that they would seem that way to people who didn't know them.
Her first meeting with Sirius was a little less believable for me. I mean, I liked that their meeting had an air of "fate" about it, but the thoughts going through her mind seemed a little old for her. The "unfathomable depths" thing was a little intense for an 11 year old. That said, I liked that Sirius seemed so sweet towards the end. It shows that, while he might be cocky, he's not actually a bad person. Great job on that :)
One other thing I had an issue with was Aunt Agatha's behavior at the beginning. I was expecting her to support Caprice's magical endeavors, but I definitely was not expecting her to be dishonest about it. Lying to Caprice's mother just doesn't seem like the kind of example she should be setting. As an adult, she should have been responsible enough to tell the truth and deal with the consequenses. That whole thing just didn't sit well with me.
That being said, I really like the dynamic you've set up between Caprice and Aunt Agatha. I can tell they are really close, and that Caprice thinks of her as a mother. You do a good job of describing their relationship.
Overall, I think you did a really good job with this chapter! Thanks for requesting it. And like I said, come back and re-request later if you want :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hey Maggie,
Thank you so much for the amazing review! I loved it and found everything you said very helpful.
I'm glad seeing the world and characters through Capri's eyes is entertaining and interesting.
I do understand her feelings toward Sirius are a little too mature for her, but like I said in the previous chapter she tends to express emotion as she sees from her fairytale books. So being intense is kind of part of her character :P I'll try to make it more clearer later.
As for Aunt Agatha I hear what you're saying and I do have a reasoning for her behaviour, it will come up later in the story :) Thank you so much for reviewing :) Report Review
I am a terrible person. Never in my life have I taken so long to review, and I'm SO sorry! But I'm finally here now.
I really enjoyed this chapter! I think the main reason for that is because I got to know Caprice a lot better. You really showed her inquisitive personality, and I think she's just adorable. Great job of characterizing her in this chapter.
I also like Aunt Agatha. I love that Caprice has someone magical to look up to in her life, and I'm glad that person is as warm and kind as Agatha. I feel like she can help Caprice break the news to her parents...and maybe smooth things over a bit, because I have a feeling her parents (especially Mom) will not be too thrilled to hear that their daughter is a witch.
I love Caprice's reaction to the letter. It was just how I would expect a Muggle-born child to react--with a mixture of skepticism and hope. I thought that part was especially well-done.
There are definitely some technical issues in this chapter. I won't list them all, but I will point out the one that especially stood out to me: There's a sentence that says something like, "Sometimes my father would write to me to say he missed it." I feel like that should end with "me" instead of "it," just so it would make more sense.
This was a really good chapter! I'm looking forward to the next one! :)
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Hi Maggie! Thank you so much for coming back :) I'm really glad that you were able to identify and understand the character this time around and that you enjoyed the chapter :) I picture Aunt Agatha as a sort of female Hagrid lol, always cheery and supportive.
And about the confusion, 'it' actually referred to Capri's smile that her dad said he missed in his letters. Hope that clears it up but yes I know it could do with some serious betaing!
Thank you so much Maggie, I'll be back for more reviews if you wouldn't mind :)
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