I love how you described Caprices' feelings of embarrassment, nervousness, shock etc. I also love how you described the great hall and the people that she met.
The storyline is fine, so you have nothing to worry about.
I really like how in every chapter, you tell us extra things about Caprice, until now I feel like I know her personally!
I also enjoyed reading about the time she spent with her aunt before she left for Hogwarts, and her feeling towards her parents.
Keep up the good work!
9/10 again!Author's Response: Hey again,
Thank you so much for all the reviews and the encouragement! Really means so much. I'm glad you liked the way the story progressed and I hope you read on. Thanks so much again!
oooh I love this chapter!
Sorry that it has taken me so long to review. I have closed my review thread because it was getting out of hand, but I am going to continue reviewing everyone's story that was on my waiting list.
A fantastic chapter, where you let your readers discover more about Caprice and the plot. I also really loved it when you worked Sirius into the chapter!
Will read chapter 3 when I have time.
9/10!Author's Response: Aww its a shame you closed the thread, but I know it can get a bit out of hand sometimes. I'm glad you liked this chapter, it's where things begin to form a plot. :)
Thanks again for reviewing
Oh my goodness when I read the last line my mouth just dropped open with surprise! Wow! :)
A very short yet descriptive chapter, although it was a prologue so its meant to be short!
9/10 fantastic and cann't wait to read the next 3 chapters!Author's Response: :D Thank you so much! I can't wait for you to read the next three either! lol Lemme know what you think of them :) Report Review
i am in love with this story!!! uurrrgggh its so funny! i love it! cant wait for the updateAuthor's Response: There is much more to come! I'm so glad you like it and I hope you do return for more :) Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
That was AWESOME
i could practically feel Capri's anger
PLEASE continue the story
it's epicAuthor's Response: I will!! Thank you VERY much for such an enthusiastic review! xx Report Review
But I thought No.13 was unplottable and people can't see it..?Author's Response: I guess you missed it... she's at No. 11. Sirius is at No. 12 but cannot be seen because it's enchanted so, so she sees the No. 13 which is again another muggle ordinary house. :) Report Review
While I like the tone of this chapter, I think if Sirius is doing what I (and probably many others) think he is doing, it is a little too obvious. It was FUN!Author's Response: It was meant to be a little obvious, but don't worry, he has his reasons and they will soon come to light. Glad you found it entertaining though :) Hope you keep reading! Report Review
Punch him! Capri, please do punch him. >)Author's Response: I'll pass the message on :P Hope you keep reading :) Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hey! I finally got the chance to read all of this! I've been too busy writing (x
But I'm so glad I did because you're an amazing writer! You truly are! This was just awesome! Though I wasn't expecting anything else since Heaven Can Wait is so awesome too!
I really like Capri. She's a great character, you've done a good job on her. And Sirius too, I think he's very true to his character. But poor guys! They really don't seem to get a break, do they? Something always goes wrong between those two.
I like it that you've told the story from both pov's. It makes this much more interesting as we can see what the other one is going trough too!
The whole story is really interesting. I loved all the twists in the plot from the very beginning. So great job! It flowed very well and was captivating. I couldn't stop reading. And I can't wait for the next chapter, so I hope you will update this soon!Author's Response: Elenia! I love your reviews and I love that you like my stories so much.
I really hope you enjoy this one just as much as Heaven Can Wait :) Hope the plot keeps you interested and hope you return for the next chapter :)
Thank you so much for reading love and thank you for reviewing! xx
:D love the playful banter.totally epic.still dont know if i like jerk sirius that much, but its pretty cute. i cannot wait for them to be together :D
till next time
lOnyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much love :) I'm glad you like the playfulness of the chapter, their reactions toward each other are usually more intense so I thought I'd go in a different direction for a bit. Report Review
so i'm a tad confuzzled about that ending...Author's Response: :/ hopefully it'll be more clear in the future chapters, its a very impulsive thing I went with turning Sirius into a arrogant playboy overnight, you'll see him and Capri talking about it later, don't worry despite appearances their friendship isn't dead. :) Whoops I think I'm giving away too much! Report Review
Hey, it's simplelullaby over at the forums here with your review!
Wow to the chapter image by the way. Lady Malfoy's amazing! I was a little surprised when reading your chapter actually - it's a little like my Marauder-fic in that they've both got horrible families and are both neighbours of Sirius - but pleasantly so, trust me.
I like your mini-prologue at the beginning of the story. It adds to the mystery, and sets up a good place for you to actually begin your story. It's really great! :)
"Its classic Victorian look and feel still breathed as if one had walked into the past through our front doors" - This sentence is a little clumsy, I wasn't too sure what you were getting at and had to read it again. Maybe split this into two sentences, or rearrange the words? "Its look was classically Victorian. If a person walked through our front doors, they stepped into the living, breathing past." Or something along those lines.
I'm liking your setting - it's really quite nice how you manage to blend setting and character together so it doesn’t seem like you're switching at all. It's almost like you personify the house to reflect your protag's mother, and I think that's pretty amazing. ;P
I noticed in the first few paragraphs that you use commas quite a lot. ("My family was a rather odd family, ten again my whole neighbourhood was") Mix it up a little with dashes or split sentences to add variation.
"God forbid any boys should read" - my favourite line! Made me laugh out loud (rather, snort rather unlike a lady).
The characterisation of your Protag's mother is especially brilliant. I hate her almost immediately, and she doesn’t even speak! It's pretty brilliant, the way you set her up, and Aunt Agatha is only slightly mentioned (am I wrong or was the 'boarding school' Hogwarts?) here. Also throughout the building characterisation of the mother you're also building up your Protag (who I already like).
BRITPICK - We don't do school in "grades." I'm not too sure (I don't know the American school system), but I think you mean "Primary Four."
I would've liked to hear more about Governess Elliot, though I loved the "she was a total witch!" line. It'd be nice to see how she had gained your protag's bad opinion in another way other than her showing off, if you know what I mean?
Loved the canary's name - Sonnet!
I loved you describing your protag's love of books. The way they're depicted...you can just tell how much she loves them. They're her only escape from her boring life, and I just love that. You've already built her up so much from her describing other things - hearing something specifically relating to her is the most natural step, and you take it well.
"You must be wondering.cousins for sure." This paragraph is all a little clumsy. You elongate sentences when they should be stopped, and put commas in really strange places. I'd suggest looking it over. :)
I loved your use of the word "contraband" to describe items like chocolate.
BRITPICK - We say "chewing gum" instead of just "gum." And instead of saying "cookies" we say "biscuits."
Your end line was fantastic. It just makes me want to click onto the next chapter just to see where this new plot development goes!
So, to the overalls.
Overall Plot Development: As an opener, which are always tricky, this chapter created enough intriguing threads to make me want to click onto the next chapter and see what happens. There's not anything substantial, but it's enough to create a good opener!
Overall Characterisation: I think this suffered from the lack of dialogue, but altogether we have a brilliant idea of the mother and what she's like, to your protag at least. This is more about what your protag thinks, so I'd say it's more about introducing her than anything. Not that that's a bad thing - actually it's quite a lovely, unique approach. I loved it!
Overall Description: Although this chapter was all description, I think that some of your descriptions would do better being added-upon so that the flow isn't constantly interrupted with new descriptions. Bulk it up a little you know? ;)
Overall Grammar and Spelling: I think you could do with a little bit work here. Too many commas are used, and you could do with getting a little more familiar with the full stop and dash...and don't forget the semi-colon. Your spelling was brilliant, no faults there!
So, overall I loved it. You could do with recruiting a beta to help you with grammar, but honestly this chapter is so good even I, a convicted grammar-Nazi, am willing to overlook it.
I hope I helped you. Please, please respond!
(7/10)Author's Response: Hey Aimee, thank you so much for reviewing my story. I'm very very sorry for the long wait getting back to you but I've had an impossibly hectic few months! Anyway thank you so much.
I havent read a single Marauder fic (and I've read many) where Sirius and the Oc are neighbours, I've read one where James is her neighbour so Sirius inadvertently becomes her neighbour later in the story when he runs away. Anyway it'll be interesting to read your story sometime too:)
Thank you for all the great advice I assure you they are all helpful and will be considered during my next major edit. Also thanks for the britpicking advice. I'm glad you liked some aspects of the story and of course there is much room for improvement.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
Hey...it's me again. And I want you to know that I feel like crying! Just...ugh. The end of this just makes me want to cry. I hate it! I hate it. Just...ugh. I'm so upset. :[ You have no idea. So...I'm gonna talk about lines in this chapter that made me ridiculously impressed:
1. "I had... considered, reconsidered and concluded."
2. "I wanted so badly to reach out and grab her hand, to pull her back, to ask her not to leave. Not like this."
3. "We were meant to be more than friends. Sometimes it takes the sudden realisation of how incredibly ignorant and stupid one can be before you realise how much you want to hold on to the one person you’re letting go of."
Those just...wow. So many lines in this chapter were incredible and ending with the Snow Patrol lyrics was perfection. Those lines stood out though. I guess we'll talk about your concerns though, then I'll go back to gushing:
Characterization: I can't describe how wonderful this was in this chapter. Getting both their points of view and seeing how different things were and how very, very similar was incredible. I actually felt really, really sad for both of them. Things just...didn't work out yet. And that's awful, but this was so well-written that I really don't have comments about that. I'm impressed. All the characters were flawless here.
Interactions: they're the best friends I've seen written in a very long time. I don't know if I've added this story to my favorites yet, but if I haven't, this chapter sealed it. I nearly cried when they were talking on the pitch together. Just...ah, perfection. No words.
Believability: positively flawless. This chapter, with its many twists and "almosts" was so realistic that it elicited real emotions from me, as I've mentioned. I swear! My heart actually ACHES right now! That's ridiculously impressive.
Flow and pace: fine. Wonderful. Take your pick. I'm still reeling from everything this chapter made me feel.
Back to gushing: it was incredible, it really was. I can't believe that this is simply fanfiction. I hope that you do something more than this in your writing career; I can easily see myself reading a book that can show emotions like these. I am so, so impressed. You've done a beautiful job here and my only fear is that the following chapters won't make me feel the same way. I truly hope they do. Great job. I'll read chapter eleven ASAP.
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Emily, you've officially stunned me speechless with this review! I am SO overwhelmed by all your praise! Oh my GOSH!!! *blushing insanely*
You have no idea what it means to me to hear all this. That you can feel what they feel and you are with them in that moment! I can't believe what I'm reading! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Oh God what else can I say!?? This was a beautiful heartfelt and amazing review and its reviews like these that make me battle forward with this story through writer's block and through... everything.
I share my writing here because it's my escape. I love it and I sometimes sit and write letting it all just flow, sometimes i write pages before leaving it because it was just a good ride for me, and a place to take a break from real life and escape it. In fact Caprice's first chapter, started that way. A moment when I wanted to take a breather and I just sat down and started writing. That's why no matter how many people tell me this story should have a better start I cant bring myself to scratch it because that's where it all started :)
I am truly sorry if the following chapters let you down, but I hope you believe in them enough to know these moments will return at some point. I am humbled by all your wonderful memorable and thoughtful compliments and I am so glad I came by to ask this story to be reviewed because hearing a story be appreciated like this is the height of glory for the anonymous authour :)
Thank you once more Emily, for showing such love for my work.
Till next time.
Mmkay, hello again! Don't forget to respond to the reviews I leave! :] I hope you're doing well, so we'll just jump right into the review. Let's go!
Characterization: Well, here there was a lot of Capri and Sirius, as well as this Jason fellow. Capri herself is wonderfully believable which I love. I'm so glad you're avoiding Mary-Sue land. I absolutely LOVED the ending of this chapter. She's right to feel bad about imagining that she was kissing Sirius, and I totally understand why she's so conflicted. Sirius himself is perfect here. He's trying to figure out his feelings and avoiding his best friend seems like a good idea, even after he's so sweet to her when she has a hangover. He's a good friend, but he's hurt right now so I completely agree with how he's acting. And Jason...hm. I don't know what to think of him. I'm torn between thinking he's just a nice guy who stumbled upon the wrong girl at the wrong time...and thinking there's something sinister about how perfect he is. Hmmm...we'll see.
Interactions: very good! The Capri/Sirius friendship was very believable, especially during her hangover and after he's started avoiding her. And Capri/Jason is also good. He's so perfect it makes me sick...but we'll see how it goes. I do feel bad for him that she doesn't actually like him, even if she's trying to.
Believability: you have another box checked here. It's still a believable story and I think you're doing well. Though I'm not sure if Caprice could really skip so many classes and not get in trouble for it. That's teetering on cliche Mary-Sue land.
Flow and pace: check and check. No complaints.
So, I think you're doing very well. The ending of this chapter in particular was very powerful. I was impressed how realistic it was. I could really connect with your characters which is awesome. Keep up the wonderful work and I'll read the next chapter soon! :]
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hey hey!
Thanks again for coming back to review! You're awesome!
So good to know Capri's far from Mary Sue! seriously it's the most important thing to know about your OC.
hahahhaha everyone thinks Jason is shady! I love that everyone is so skeptic about him. Like he's way too perfect to be real! haha!
Yup Sirius and Capri are unique friends, they are still discovering how deep their friendship is really and what boundaries they are willing to cross.
Umm Arrrgh! Mary Sue! ok to be clear she just skipped two classes, and Jason just happened to find her at both situations. So...
Ok I hope that you're enjoying the story so far and that the plot is developing slowly. I usually like to show instead of tell but with Jason I thought I'd just have Capri tell whats going on because it's difficult to manage so many OCs that are alien to the readers. Anyways THANK YOU SO MUCH! for reading reviewing and taking the time to let me know what you liked and what I could improve on! Thanks a million! :) :) :) Report Review
Hello there, it's me again. :] I saw that you responded to one of my reviews. It's good to know that you ARE seeing them. I hope you had a good vacation.
Now, review time? I think so.
Characterization: ah, my favorite. ;] I absolutely adored that this was from Sirius' point of view. You wrote him well and I liked the inner view we got of his thoughts. Well done. There weren't many other characters that played a large part in this chapter, but the ones who appeared were fine.
Interactions: well, here we get a little more interesting. The Marauders all mesh well, which is good. I like the description that Sirius gives of Remus being the dorm warden. I always thought he was something like that. There was a completely cliche interaction between Lily and James where she yelled at him for asking her out. So...cliche, yes. And Sirius makes a cliche comment about her "temper being as fiery as her hair" or something. CRINGE. But there was a funny line in reference to James: "so I threw my pillow at James to wake him up, might as well have thrown a book for all the good it did." I definitely laughed. :D And...Sirius' awkwardness with his exes was great. And his jealousy of Caprice's interest in Jason! Awesome.
Believability: pretty good here. I'm not a guy, so I don't know how they think, but it seemed reasonable, the way you wrote for Sirius. I didn't mind it. :]
Flow and pace: both are going well. I can't really complain here either.
We're a little lacking in descriptions still, but some things you described well, like the party atmosphere. We'll see how this enhances or flops in the following chapters. I'll keep you posted.
I'm very interested to see where things go since Sirius pretty much just admitted to himself that he has feelings for Caprice. We'll see! :]
On to chapter nine ASAP.Author's Response: Hey again! More reviews! YAY!
Ok so I'm thrilled you enjoyed the Sirius POV wasn't quite sure it crossed over well until people said it was good enough :) so thanks again.
Yes! very cliche but hell I like the occationa cliche line thrown into the midst. It's just all good entertainment.
Glad you liked Remus too! Thank you so so much for coming by and reviewing this chapter! I really really appreciate it! Thanks loads! Report Review
ok, please get over it already!
this i-love-him/her-but-i-can't-kiss-'cause-it'll-ruin-our-friendship this is getting old and worn out. i'm tired. get them together already!
waiting for ur next update..Author's Response: Bhahahahaha Ok, just for you then ;P Report Review
I don't understand how you do it. The chapters are so eloquently written that I find I cannot focus on anything else. Which makes it difficult to keep my mind in my studies at time ;-) You always have a great balance of action, romance, and life. Sirius and Capri really do have this pull to one another. However, I must say the one who really captured my interest this chapter was Remus. I loved how you described Sirius feeling as though he could talk to Remus about things that James might not understand. It is not very often one reads things like that. Then Remus' concern for his friend and his friend's heart was really reassuring. It truly showed how close the marauders were. You didn't have to go into much detail for your readers to feel that connection.
I appreciate your kind words about my possible stories. Perhaps I will have to post at least the start of one my the end of the year (a year's time should be enough for me to find inspiration for the middle portions). It brings me such joy to know there are people as thirty for a good story as I am. Your words to me are so kind and I hope to not disappoint.
Thank you for busting my ego a bit. I just wish my stories are as half as good as yours.Thanks again for posting. It was a highlight of my day.
orangezauberAuthor's Response: Hey again :)
So glad to hear from you once again! This wasn't a great chapter although I really do appreciate your wonderful praise. It was a bit of a filler and a staging chapter for the next chapter which is still in the works.
I adore Remus, his character is easily the most complex one to write. There is such depth to the character Rowling created that we barely got to scratch the surface in her books. I think that he was the glue that held the group together in my opinion. He feels like the one who was equally good friends with James, Sirius and Peter. They all I'm sure confided in him and keeping secrets was something he knew all too well. I want to write giving more prominence to Remus but I fear that I'm not quite skilled enough to pull off such a perfect character. We'll see :)
If I may shed some light. None of my stories have an ending in mind. Especially with Caprice, I don't know any more than the next two chapters ahead. Its how it started and I've maintained that. Writing this way is a sort of a journey, you get to build on the start you created and take risks you never would have if you planned the story all along.
Go ahead and post your beginning, readers and reviewers will help you judge how to take the next step. Unsure footing is always a great place for adventure to begin :)
~Pen2Paper Report Review
Hello! Me again. Are you seeing these reviews? :[ I hope so! Let me know. :]
Anyhow, moving on to your concerns--first up, characterization: well, I definitely don't mind anybody in particular. I don't see any Mary-Sues, so that's a plus! :D I think Capri is a good character, though I'm very surprised she got over her heartbreak so quickly! And I'm also sort of shocked that Sirius was having sex (mentioned last chapter) and he's only fifteen. :o Scandalous!
Interactions: quite nice. I do like that Capri didn't mope forever. And I love how kind her friends are about her situation. So sweet. And I'm very excited about this Jason fellow! We'll see where he goes. Wink wink. :]
Believability: you're fine here. Nothing was out of place in this chapter except maybe how quickly she got over how upset she was last chapter.
Flow and pace: are going fine. :] It's smooth and steady and not going wacko. I like it quite a bit.
Word choice: I don't see anything that's odd, so nothing to comment on here.
Overall, I think you're doing great still. I liked this chapter, though it seemed a littly sporadic in relation to the last chapter where she was so upset. She just...got over it in this chapter and that seemed a little rushed. But maybe it's all just a show. We'll see. :]
Keep up the good work! I'll read chapter eight ASAP!
he had joined the team when James was in first yearAuthor's Response: Hey!
Ohh I love your reviews!!! Shoot me for not replying sooner! So sorry I'm just all over the place these days! busy busy! Anyways!
Thank you thank you for reviewing! Yay! no Mary-Sues! I fear it like the plague lol so thank you for the reassurance! Haha yes scandalous indeed, just how I like my Sirius!
Thanks loads again! Report Review
Hey, it's me again. More reviewing now!
Wow...this chapter...ahh, especially the end. That just hurt. I'm not even the one going through it, but I can imagine how much that would really, really suck to experience. You're doing a great job with portraying the emotions. Keep up the good work.
So, your concerns:
Characterization was good here. Everyone is consistent and well-written. I don't have any complaints. And Caprice isn't a Mary-Sue at the moment! Yay!
Interactions: the friendship between the Gryffindor girls is very believable. It makes them all seem very close. I really liked that Nora went out with Capri to comfort her after her feelings were hurt so badly.
I have no concerns about the believability of this chapter. Everything made sense and was reasonable. So, well done there.
Flow and pace? You're doing fine. :] The flow is interesting. You mentioned Jason, but he doesn't seem to play a large role yet. We'll see where he goes. I hope she doesn't date him just to make Sirius jealous...Pacing is fine too, we're moving alone nicely.
I think you've got something good here. It all seems like it makes sense and I was impressed with the emotions you portrayed. I might like to see more in the way of descriptions of the characters though. I don't remember what half of them look like...so maybe some hints in that department would help. :]
Keep up the good work! I'll continue reading ASAP!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hey Emily!
Whoa! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE AMAZING REVIEWS! I'm so so sorry I couldn't get back to you earlier! took an extended vacation and left the lap top behind so I wouldn't be tempted to write, work or play games and instead just enjoyed Lol.
Anyway your reviews are amazing and i'm glad you are enjoying the story. I hope that the characters are developing. This is my first fiction really and I'm hoping that I'm steering away from cliches and mary-sue behaviours with my oc. I am working on getting more characters involved. Since I found it hard to tie in the characters I thought I'll instead bring in their perspective. Hope you'll see what i mean in the future chapters.
Don't worry, she's not gonna be a "Fifth Marauder" loll she's only tied to Sirius. Thank you so much for the reviews Emily. You've given me I really appreciate it. Glad you came by :) Thanks loads, again.
Hey there, it's DarkRose again.
Well, here are some opinions on the chapter:
I think that Caprice and Sirius have a cute friendship and I'm fond of the fact that they consider themselves "best friends," but what about James? How does he work into the plot if Sirius has a different best friend? Maybe it will still make sense. :] We'll see.
Ah, right after she finds out that Sirius is leaving...DRAMATIC! She just spazzes! I felt uncomfortable and I'm not even there, haha. If I were Sirius, I would be weirded out, even if she WAS my best friend. Freaky.
A couple of things that might turn this story cliche/cheesy: if Caprice becomes the "Fifth Marauder," so to say, hanging around them and participating in their pranks...eesh. You might want to steer clear of that. Also, the fact that she's on the Quidditch team and has this "Striker" title seems a little Mary-Sue. Careful!
So, characterization: I didn't mind either Sirius or Caprice here. I mentioned what did weird me out, but overall, they were good. I liked that Sirius was totally a guy at the end and got distracted and didn't write. That's a good characterization point.
Interactions were pretty good. That's how I write friendships between girls and guys. :] With petnames and hugging and things like that. People sometimes say it's too close for friendship, but I like it.
Your believability is also doing fine right now. It's a tiny bit of a cliche plot-line with the Fifth Marauder scenario, but I wouldn't worry too much about that.
Flow and pace are doing fine here too. You also wanted to know about word choice...I didn't see anything that bothered me. So! I think you're doing well. I'll read chapter six ASAP!
--Emily Report Review
Away I go!
Good chapter, however, this chapter did confuse me a little. At the start of the last chapter you made out like Sirus and Capri were really good friends (best friends even), yet, in this chapter they don't seem to really like one another.
The plot is becoming more developed as the story comes along. It is also getting more interesting as they have aged and have more emotions ;)
The characterisation is really good, however in this chapter, slightly confusing (unless it's just really obvious and I'm just missing it).
I loved the final line and the quote from 'September Rain' at the end, it just added to the emotion that Capri was feeling :)
*Jaz, 9/10Author's Response: Hey Jaz! Thank you so much for the incredible reviews again! I know you said you were glad that I wasn't skipping ahead and I was like "uh oh" :P lol I didn't mention four years later in the Iron Heart chapter because I said in the last line of the previous chapter that four years later she wished she could take it back. anyway I hope you weren't too confused there.
Glad you like where the story is going. Thank you so much for the reviews :) I'll be back for more :) :) Report Review
Once again, this chapter is good. However, I would suggest stating at the start of the chapter that it is four years later, because I was a little confused at the start how she got back home.
The characterisations are really good, I like how you've kept it canon - especially with Sirus leaving his parents house and going to James's. It's also nice to see Sirus being friends with Caprice before they 'fall in love' it's good to see a non-cliche'd Sirus and OC story.
The plot, so far, is coming along great! I can't really give a great comment because it's only the start of the story, but I'm still enjoying this nonetheless.
However, I am a little confused as to why Caprice wanted to burn the letter at the end.
*Jaz, 9/10Author's Response: Hey again! and again SO SORRY for the lateness! its unforgivable!
Anyway I'm so glad you find it canon and realistic I'm trying very hard to stay away from cliches. :) Anyways thank you so so much for the reviews!! Geez I'm sorry I havent replied earlier!
PS: Capri was so angry she wanted to burn the letter because she expected more than the five lines written to her by Sirius.
Thanks again for the reviews! Report Review
Back with another review!
Sorry about taking so long. I really enjoyed this chapter; I like it how you are keeping them the same age and not skipping ahead to when their sixteen.
The plot is coming along nicely. You are defiantly defining the characters really clearly and giving us an insight onto who's who in the story.
The pace of the story is good; it's not moving too fast and you are cutting the scenes at the right time as well :)
The characterisation has been consistent so far. The way that Caprice acts around Sirus is perfect and you have hit the Marauders on the head.
There were a few grammatical mistakes throughout the chapter but nothing too big (it didn't turn me off the story or anything)
*Jaz, 9/10Author's Response: Hey! Oh my God! Please don't kill me for being so late with a reply to this! I'm so so so so sorry! ok onto the replay,
Ah ummm well this is unfortunately the last chapter for the 11 year olds but I promise its not going to change drastically!
Again thank you, I'm really glad that pace is not a problem, i was wondering if it was a bit choppy! and i'm really glad that Caprice and the Marauders are doing ok in characterization. Thanks for the heads up I'll check out the grammer and Thank you so so much for the review! Report Review
Well, it's DarkRose again. And, off we go to review-land!
A few random things to mention before I get into the more accute points:
First off, you have the sentence: "A week had passed since I discovered I was a witch." but it has most definitely been longer than that. I think you mean that it's been a week since she arrived at Hogwarts. Fix that, maybe? :]
Secondly, I adored all the "discoveries" that Caprice has been making since she arrived at school. I like that she has a close friend in Nora and she gets along with her dormmates. It's great that you didn't make a cliche animosity right off the bat.
And, thirdly, a random thought: you mention that the Gryffindor girls and Severus "eat dinner together" occasionally or something like that, but that doesn't ever happen in canon. It's completely an unimportant detail, but if it bugs you, feel free to throw out that line.
Now, on to the reviewing!
I love your OCs. I think they're all really solid and non-Mary-Sue-ish, for now. :] And the characterization of all the canon characters is great as well. I think you did terrifically showing how they all fit together and interact. I love the funny little inside-joke between Caprice and Sirius, the Jill/David one. :] Cute.
Well done with the descriptions of everything in this chapter, though it was a little bit like a list when she was describing her friends and things she'd learned in the wizarding world. It didn't kill things, though, so I wouldn't worry TOO much.
I like how you ended the chapter. That last line was really impacting. It left off at a great transition. The paragraph before it, though, when you talk about Sirius telling Capri that they can't ever be more than friends, seemed a little weird. A bit out of place. But I understand why it was there, so that's all right.
So, anyhow, really, really great job. I think this chapter went beautifully. On to chapter five ASAP!
--Emily Report Review
Hey there, it's DarkRose from the forums, here with your reviews! :]
I've actually read and reviewed the first two chapters before (YEARS ago), but I'll leave a quick note about them, since I reread them just now to reacquaint myseld with them:
So, chapter one, Life at 11, was really sweet. It was short, almost like a prologue, but it definitely set the mood. I loved the title. It could be taken as a double meaning, you know: that she's eleven years old AND she lives at number eleven? That's what I got out of it. I liked the fact that you managed to show her characterization in subtle things, like the fact that she's a bit introverted (she reads rather than socializes) and she's got an...interesting family. I would have liked to hear more descriptions though. What does she LOOK like, for instance? And things like that.
Chapter two, Unexpected Possibility, was quite good as well. I liked the fact that she was very surprised by the owl coming to her room. I wonder why it showed up in the middle of the night though...and it seemed a little odd that she didn't scream, though you explained that pretty well. Personally, I would have FREAKED OUT. :] Good job describing her interaction with her aunt, though we still didn't get many descriptions here. There also isn't much to go on with characterization in this chapter, but I think you have things solid enough that that didn't affect it much.
Now, this chapter:
I think you did absolutely terrifically. I really liked how you portrayed Caprice here. I'm wondering, her nickname "Capri," where is the emphasis on that? I don't want to be pronouncing it incorrectly. Is it "CAH-pri" or "Cah-PRI"? If that makes any sense whatsoever...
Good job with your characterization of Lily, Severus, and Sirius. He hasn't introduced himself yet though! I think that will be funny when he finally does.
One thing that I didn't particularly understand is why she's hiding the truth about her magic from her family? Won't they realize eventually that she's different from them? Though, I guess they haven't realized it about the aunt. Though I would think that would've been difficult to hide. Did the aunt hide it from HER family? Which is why Caprice's mother doesn't know? Hmm...maybe explain all that more?
I wish we had more descriptions of Caprice's looks and her surroundings. I think you describe emotions very well, but physical descriptions might help bring the story into a more realistic scope.
Good job here. I think you wrote this in a very intriguing way. I like that we got a glimpse of Caprice's first year, though I'm expecting you to skip the rest of it soon, since that's what most authors do...and we'll see if you avoid too many of the Sirius/OC cliches! Off I go to chapter four!
--Emily Report Review
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